Making Friends With Worry: Therapeutic Tales of Courage, Connection, and Compassion

MAKING FRIENDS WITH WORRY: Therapeutic Tales of Courage, Connection, and Compassion

Stories from the 3A Toolkit approach to shrinking worry

Meg Kapil MA, CCC-S, RCC

PREFACE

I am really grateful to be able to share these wonderful stories with you and I hope they inspire you as much as they have me. These personal tales of facing down worry, of discovering personal strength, and of taking over as author of their own narratives hold hope and show resilience.

Woven throughout these unique stories are threads of connection, compassion, and courage all resting on a foundation of awareness. These personal narratives were co-created in a therapeutic setting so the solid foundation of awareness makes sense. These children and their families sought support to tackle worry and the havoc it spread in the lives of the whole family.

Fostering an understanding of worry and a plan to shrink its influence was a critical element of change. Knowledge is power, and through understanding the nature of worry, these children and their families regained power and lessoned its influence.

Connection was also central to growth and successful management of the worry. I honour the trust offered by these families, and the gift of connection they created with me. As relational creatures driven to connect with others, the support between family members was essential for these children. These stories also show the profound shift in how these children connected to their own worry and their own experience.

Courage also ties these different stories together. To stare down worry, essentially facing fear itself, takes courage and bravery. Many children, as well as youth and adults, struggle silently and on their own with worry for a long time before seeking help. To continue to sit with this distress day after day, often without really understanding what it is and where it comes from, takes considerable courage. Recognizing that you have a problem you want to address and seeking outside help takes even more courage. This process asks you to be vulnerable, to trust someone outside your family, and to tackle a really big challenge. For the children and families in these stories, I am so glad you did.

Finally, compassion features prominently in these narratives. Through knowledge and understanding and through experiencing relief and success, the seeds of self-compassion are sown for the child and compassion for the experience of worry is spread through the family.

The names in the stories have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the ‘main characters’ and permission was granted by the young authors and their families to publish these stories. I am grateful to be able to share these stories with you, to share these experiences of struggle, and most of all resilience and triumph over worry. I hope you find wisdom and hope as I did.

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© 2020, MEG KAPIL, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

The 3A Toolkit: A Practical Approach to Creating Calm and Shrinking Worry Although I imagine you really want to get to the good part, the stories themselves, I want to tell you a little bit more about what you will be reading. These stories follow a particular framework, the 3A Toolkit, that helped these children and their families be able to shrink worry and other big feelings.

Very briefly, the 3A Toolkit guides you through three phases: Awareness, Assign a Label, and Action. Here is an overview of what the children featured in these stories learned: Awareness • Body Activation • Unhelpful Thinking

Assign a Label

Action • Body Calming • Helpful Thinking

Awareness

This section focuses on understanding the nature of worry and what kind of changes in your body and your thinking go along with the worry.

Assign a Label

This section teaches you to give the feeling a label such as “I feel worried”. This starts the process of making the worry smaller.

Action

This section teaches you two categories of strategies: body calming and helpful thinking. These strategies help you transform the worry into something smaller and way more friendly.

If you are not sure about any of the strategies mentioned in the stories, you can look them up in the Appendix at the end of this book of stories. You can also read Creating Calm: 3A Toolkit for Managing Stress and Anxiety to better understand how the characters in these stories learned to manage their worry.

Now that you know a bit more about the framework that helped shape these stories, let’s go right to the wonderful stories themselves, enjoy!

© 2020, MEG KAPIL, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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MAKING FRIENDS WITH WORRY: Therapeutic Tales of Courage, Connection, and Compassion

“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.”

Anna Freud

A GIRL NAMED RAINBOW TRAINS HER WORRY UNICORN TO DANCE

The author of this story, age 6, bravely took on training her worry which took on the shape of a unicorn. You will discover that Rainbow has many strengths and interests, but even with all this going for her, she still has to deal with very big worries.

Enjoy reading her account of training her worry, be sure to read to the end so you can find out what she trained her worry unicorn to do.

ACT ONE: AWARENESS (Collecting Information) Once upon a time in a magical land far above the clouds, there lived a lovely young girl named Rainbow. Rainbow was no ordinary girl, she was caring to all around her, including her brother. She was creative and liked to draw and make cards for her family, she was kind to people as well as creatures, she was funny, and most of all she is very determined because she does not give up easily. There were lots of things Rainbow enjoyed doing including watching movies, getting lots of hugs and giving hugs too, eating grapes and sometimes candy, and getting cuddles from her dog. Rainbow had a wonderful life but not everything was perfect. Sometimes she was bothered by her worry (and her brother). Her worry was no ordinary worry. It showed up in the shape of a unicorn and when it was big it charged at everything with its horn, it stamped its feet, and it made LOUD sounds with its nostrils.

Rainbow always knew when the unicorn was too big because her tummy felt tight, her breathing got really fast, and she sometimes stamped her feet too. When the unicorn was too big and powerful, she also noticed that her thinking was not very helpful. She thought to herself “I’m not safe” and “something bad will happen” and “I can’t handle this”. Rainbow decided that she needed to shrink her unicorn so it couldn’t make so much trouble for her.

ACT TWO: ASSIGN A LABEL (Organizing Information) Rainbow decided that she needed to first of all Name It To Tame1 It so she said “I feel worried” and “that’s my Unicorn making a mess”. As soon as she said that, she felt much better, but not totally better. She realized that she needed to do a bit more to make the unicorn even smaller.

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ACT THREE: ACTION (What to do With the Information) Rainbow next decided to reach into her two huge buckets of Unicorn training strategies that were in the corner of her bedroom. One was a helpful thinking bucket and the other was a body calming bucket. Rainbow liked the body calming bucket the very best so she started her Unicorn training by reaching into that one first. Her favourite body calming practice, for when the unicorn was the biggest, was to dance. This time she did some tap dancing in her new tap shoes. She also used her butterfly hug, which means she crosses her arms over her chest and gently taps her upper arms. When the unicorn was a bit smaller, she closed her eyes and imagined she was back at the Eiffel Tower with her family because she felt calm when she remembered this. The Unicorn was much much smaller now but still needed some more training. Next, Rainbow reached into her helpful thinking bucket and took out some messages of safety so that she could tell the part of her brain in charge of her worry (and her worry Unicorn) that she is really quite safe. She said to herself “there are no tigers or dinosaurs here to attack me” and “there is nothing scary here” and “I’m safe and can ask for help” and “I can totally handle this”. After those layers of helpful thoughts, Rainbow noticed that the Unicorn was not big and scary anymore. To her great surprise it was much smaller and very cute and was dancing! It was not just dancing, it was dancing on a rainbow! Rainbow now knows that even when her worry sends the Unicorn, she knows how to shrink it down to the size where it likes to dance.

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Credit for “Name It To Tame It” goes to Siegel, D. & Bryson, T.P. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. New York, NY: Random House.

© 2020, MEG KAPIL, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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SUPER SUNNY AND LANCE SAVE THE DAY

Lance, age 10, showed huge courage in facing his really large worry. Despite his struggles, he always brought his best self and kindness for two-footed and four-footed creatures alike. Lance conjured up some magic to help him shrink his worry to a reasonable size, and of course Super Sunny was his wise protector in this journey.

ACT ONE: AWARENESS (Collecting Information) Once upon a time in a magical land far far away lived a young and enthusiastic magician named Lance. Lance was super cool magician with lots of strengths and things going for him such as being athletic, being a great friend, being super determined and funny, and being beloved by all the animals in the kingdom (and his family too). You might think that Lance had a perfectly magical life. He mostly did…BUT….he was unfortunately visited by a pesky worry creature named Dickson on an all too frequent basis. Dickson was invisible to others but Lance always knew when Dickson had arrived because his heart started to pound, his throat felt fuzzy, his muscles were tense, and he became very very upset and sad. His head was also filled with not very helpful thoughts that Dickson placed there such as “I can only manage with my mom’s help” and “I can’t deal with this” and “I’m not safe” and “nothing will help” and “I will never be able to manage Dickson” and “there are no bananananananas is the fridge”. Lance decided that Dickson had been bothering him for waaaaaay too long and he wanted him to stop. So he decided to start to learn the magical worry shrinking process that he could learn at his favourite School of Magic and Wizardry.

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ACT TWO: ASSIGN A LABEL (Organizing Information) Lance learned that the first step in the magical worry shrinking process was to Name It To Tame It. So he said very confidently “that’s just my worry”, “that’s Dickson bothering me again”. Just by saying this, Lance already started to make Dickson a little bit smaller. He knew it was not quite enough though, and he needed to learn the next steps in the magical worry shrinking process.

ACT THREE: ACTION (What to do With the Information) To finish shrinking Dickson so he would not bother him any more, Lance needed to learn the magical body calming methods and the magical helpful thinking methods. He decided to start with the magical helpful thinking by saying to himself: “my worry is just making stuff up again” “I can deal with this, and I can manage even without my mom” “I am safe and will feel better really soon” and “Dad’s picking up the bananananananas” “I am determined and brave and will figure this out” By the time Lance had said all of these magical things, Dickson was way way smaller. To shrink him the last little bit, Lance learned some magical body calming such as vigourously shaking his body all over to get rid of all the worries, breathing, butterfly hugs, and he also closed his eyes and summoned Super Sunny, the wise protector, to help him feel safe and steady and ready to face Dickson. When Lance was visited by the apparition of Super Sunny, he felt like his whole body was happy. Super Sunny looks a whole lot like the cutest and fluffiest dog you can imagine with wonderful soft fur to snuggle. Once Lance opened his eyes, he saw that Dickson was now really small and kinda cute and even friendlier. He realized that Dickson was actually trying to help keep him safe but he got too excited and tried to keep him safe when there was actually no danger at all! Now that they were pals, they decided to go with Sunny and pet some puppies. Next time Dickson decides to get big and scary, Lance knows he is ready to start the magical shrinking worry process again because he has Super Sunny to help.

© 2020, MEG KAPIL, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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THE PINK UNICORN USES THE MAGICAL WORRY SHRINKING PLAN TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE PINK PRINCESS

The Pink Unicorn in this story is 7.5 years old and she was facing worry and some other big feelings like anger. These big feelings would take over and feel scary sometimes.

The Pink Unicorn showed such grace and determination in learning to shrink her worry and anger and learned to appreciate and understand how these feelings were trying to help her. I think you will enjoy how she finds a new way of relating to these big feelings.

ACT ONE: AWARENESS (Collecting Information) Once upon a time in a magical land far far away, there lived a very special Pink Unicorn. This was no ordinary pink unicorn, this pink unicorn was kind, funny, creative, an excellent helper, she was very very brave and never gave up even when she was teased about her multicoloured horn. Now, you might think that this special Pink Unicorn had no troubles at all but sadly she did. Some of the time she was bothered by worry and anger. The worry looked like a very big and tall and bossy and naughty princess who often got into trouble. The special Pink Unicorn knew that her worry was too big and bossy. Her worry would make her take over and act like she needed to fight tigers that weren’t there. The Pink Unicorn always knew when the naughty worry princess was getting bossy because she had scary dreams at night, scary thoughts bothered her, and her tummy felt tight and like it would explode.

One day, she decided she doesn’t want the worry princess to bother her all the time. She decided to use a magical worry shrinking plan to shrink the worry once and for all.

ACT TWO: ASSIGN A LABEL (Organizing Information) The very first thing the Pink Unicorn does is go to her favourite wizard and ask “what is the first step in the magical worry shrinking plan?” The wizard says, in a loud and determined voice, you need to Name It To Tame It! So…..the Pink Unicorn said to herself “I feel worried” and “that’s just my worry being bossy again”. Right away, she felt a bit better and

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noticed her worry had shrunk a little bit, but not all the way. So, she asked the wizard what to do next.

ACT THREE: ACTION (What to do With the Information) The wizard told the Pink Unicorn that she needed to reach into her thinking bucket and her body calming bucket so she could shrink the worry the rest of the way. The pink unicorn decided to start with the body calming bucket because she found that the butterfly hug was the most helpful thing of all. She also used her deep belly breaths to shrink the worry even more. She next imagined that she was back on holiday in Mexico where she remembers feeling wonderful and calm. The worry was so much smaller, only a bit more shrinking left. To complete the shrinking process, she reached into her thinking bucket. The helpful thoughts she found in the bucket were “I am safe” and “I can shrink my worry” and “my worry is making stuff up” and “I will figure this out”. Now that the worry was all the way shrunk, the pink Unicorn was in for a big surprise! She noticed that the big and bossy worry princess was really small and cute and very friendly. She was always going to be a bit bigger than the Pink Unicorn, but that’s okay because the Pink Unicorn realized that the princess was actually trying to help keep her safe! The biggest surprise was that they were now good friends. They went off to the park and played together until dinner, and then they had dinner together.

© 2020, MEG KAPIL, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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THE WORRY STORY

Noah, age 10, tackles not just his own worry in this story but the worry for the whole kingdom, thinking of others even as he faces his own struggles. Noah uses his new wisdom and skills for shrinking his own worry to teach others in the kingdom to do the same, spreading his wisdom as well as some delicious snacks! Enjoy this magical journey and be amazed at how thoughtful this young worry warrior is.

ACT ONE: AWARENESS (Collecting Information) Once upon a time there was a man named Worry Man. Worry Man had a superpower that made everyone breathe really really really fast and their hearts race really really really fast (like a cheetah). Worry Man kept everyone super safe and they were always ready for any danger BUT ….they were scared ALL THE TIME. One day, Noah (aka Worry Shrinker), realized that all the citizens of the land did not need to be scared all the time and that they didn’t really need Worry Man, they could defend themselves. He decided to coach all the citizens to train their bodies and their thoughts not to be worried, except when there is real danger, then it’s okay. He went to his private fortress to retrieve his most prized book called “How to Shrink Worries” and his magical wand that goes with the book. What Noah the Worry Shrinker told all the citizens was to first notice when the Worry Man is making their worry too big. He taught them to notice when their thoughts were full of worry and not helpful. For example, not helpful worried thoughts could be things like “I’m scared I won’t see my parents”, “I can’t do it”, and “I’m all alone”. These kind of thoughts make the worry much much stronger and bigger and Worry Man gets more power. Noah also taught everyone to notice when the Worry Man makes their bodies feel scared and uncomfortable by noticing when their heart is racing really really really fast and they are breathing really really really fast. When they noticed the worried thoughts and the uncomfortable sensations in their bodies, like the very very fast breathing, they know it is time to shrink their worries.

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ACT TWO: ASSIGN A LABEL (Organizing Information) Noah picked up his magic wand and taught the citizens the very first step in the shrinking process is to name your worry (Name It To Tame It). He told them to say “WORRY BE GONE” or “PLEASE DON’T WORRY US AGAIN” or “THAT’S JUST MY WORRY”. This was a good start to the shrinking process but they needed to do more to shrink Worry Man down to a friendly size.

ACT THREE: ACTION (What to do With the Information) Noah told the citizens that the final steps in the shrinking process included using helpful thinking and calming the body even more. Noah suggested they start with the body calming by taking 10 deep breaths, looking around the room to name what they see, listening to what they hear, and noticing physical sensations in their body. He next taught them how to do a butterfly hug to calm their bodies even more. Everyone was feeling mostly better but some still needed to use helpful thinking to shrink worry the last little bit. Noah the worry shrinker taught them how to imagine they were in their favourite place where they felt calm. Noah liked to imagine a forest in either India or Australia where he could notice all the details of the natural beauty, the sounds of the birds, the smell of the forest and of course how relaxed he felt. He also taught the citizens how to say things like “I’ll see my parents again”, and “I can figure it out” and “I’m safe”. After all of this, everyone was feeling so much much more calm and their worry was very very small. What Noah realized now was the Worry Man was actually trying to help everyone by keeping them safe, he just got carried away. By teaching everyone how to shrink their own worries and feel safe and think happy thoughts, the Worry Man felt sorry for scaring everyone, he became their friend and guard for the whole city. Noah invited Worry Man and all the citizens to the Wonder Restaurant and used his magic wand to celebrate by giving everyone burgers, fries, and drinks. Now the next time Worry Man gets carried away, they will know how to shrink him back to a friendly size all on their own.

© 2020, MEG KAPIL, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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SADMAD STRIKES AGAIN

Madeline the noble heroine of this tale, age 8, faces down not just one big feeling but two. This story shows how big feelings can have many layers to them and be more than one thing. I think you will be able to relate to the universal experience of making a mistake and being embarrassed by it, because I am pretty sure this has happened to all of us. Despite how uncomfortable this is, the amazing Madeline shows huge courage and compassion as she takes SadMad under her wing.

ACT ONE: AWARENESS (Collecting Information) Once upon a time a very very very long time ago in a land that was surprisingly close by, there lived a budding ghost who was part human-born named Madeline. Madeline spends most of her time at a school for wizards teasing the students. Madeline is a very happy and creative ghost who is adored by her family. She is generally very happy except when SadMad takes over her mind and starts throwing peanuts and other things at the students.

This makes a huge mess and often gets Madeline into lots of trouble. SadMad is not as naughty as you might think, SadMad shows up when they think Madeline is in need of protection. One day, Madeline was floating around the wizard school quite happily when she made a mistake by bumping into the head wizard when she wasn’t watching where she was going. The students started to laugh. This is when SadMad rushed in to protect Madeline. SadMad was getting too big and powerful so Madeline did not feel in control anymore. She knew SadMad had taken over because she noticed her thinking had changed to “everybody is making fun of me”, “I can’t handle this”, “I don’t feel safe”. She also knew SadMad was too big because her heart was pounding, she was breathing really fast, and her hands were shaking. Madeline realized that she did not want SadMad in charge anymore and she decided to shrink it.

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ACT TWO: ASSIGN A LABEL (Organizing Information) She started the shrinking process by casting a spell “peanut peanut peanut” and used the powerful Name It to Tame It spell, she said “that is just SadMad getting too excited”. She already felt a bit better and more in charge but she also knew she would need to do more to turn around her thinking and calm down her body so SadMad could not take over any more.

ACT THREE: ACTION (What to do With the Information) Madeleine decided to turn around her thinking first. She did this by saying “there’s no ghosts” and “I’m not in danger” and “I can deal with this”. She next turned to calming her body by using her ghostly hugs which are gentle and ghostly touches on your upper arms after crossing your arms over your chest, big breaths out from her belly that she calls “spell breathing” and shaking her whole body to get rid of the unpleasant sensations in her body. She felt so much better but she also realized that SadMad was only trying to help her, to keep her safe. So she decided she would take SadMad to the candy store to get some chocolate frogs to thank them for trying to help. She let SadMad know that she did not need any help or protection at the moment and SadMad couldn’t answer because his mouth was full with chocolate frogs. Madeline knew that next time she felt upset and SadMad came to save her, she would be able to be friendly with him and cast a spell so he stayed calm.

© 2020, MEG KAPIL, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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JOY AND THE UNHAPPINESS (AKA ANGER) MAKE FRIENDS

Joy, age 8, also paints a picture for us of the different layers that can make up a big feeling. Joy helps us understand how anger can cover up something more vulnerable, like sadness or worry. She also lets us know how scary it is when these big feelings take over. With creativity and determination and endless caring, Joy shows us how she navigates a new way of being with her anger.

ACT ONE: AWARENESS (Collecting Information) It was a dark and stormy night in a magical land far far away. There was a particularly creative and energetic creature named Joy. Joy was both adored and feared in all the land because she had some very big feelings. Some of these feelings were pleasant feelings like happiness, joy, love, playfulness and caring. Some of the less pleasant feelings were anger, frustration, jealousy and of course unhappiness. When Joy was visited by her unpleasant feelings, anger and unhappiness mostly, she seemed scary to her friends and family. What they did not know is that Joy did not like being visited by these unpleasant feelings, they made her feel out of control and very sad. She wanted to be in charge of her feelings instead of them bossing her around. She noticed when the big feelings were visiting because her voice got really loud, her tummy clenched and she felt like she was unsafe, her hands felt scrambly, and her feet wanted to kick something. Sometimes, unpleasant and unhelpful thoughts also went along with the unpleasant big feelings such as “that’s not fair”, “why”, “if I don’t get that…..” and “it can only happen this way”. Joy knew that her anger was trying to help her stay safe and to protect her, she needed her anger to know that she did not need protecting, and she wanted to make friends with her anger so it would not get so big.

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ACT TWO: ASSIGN A LABEL (Organizing Information) Once Joy decided she wanted to make friends with the anger and the unhappiness, she knew she needed to Name It To Tame It. So the next time the anger came to visit, she said “that’s just my anger” and “I feel unhappy”. As soon as she did that, the anger and the unhappiness got a little bit smaller.

ACT THREE: ACTION (What to do With the Information) After naming the anger and the unhappiness, Joy decided to distract herself so the anger would get a bit smaller. So she decided to read a book for a while. This worked well, but there were still a few more things she could do to be better friends with the anger. She thought she would calm her body down a bit more by doing the butterfly hug and having a dance party. She also did some figure 8 breathing by tracing a figure 8 on her hand with her finger with her mom and her mom gave her an actual hug to go along with the butterfly one. Next, Joy remembered to be kind to herself and she also decided to think some more helpful thoughts like “my anger will pass”, “I am safe”, “there are not tigers here” and she also drew a picture to tell the anger not to bother her anymore. She then changed her mental channel to an image of herself turning into a unicorn. After all of this, the anger was now way smaller, there was no more smoke in her ears, no more red face or big loud scary voice and the storm ended. Joy was feeling better and could now be friends with the smaller and friendlier version of her anger. She noticed that anger was being nice and trying to take care of her. She also felt really happy now because she could have real friends and nobody in her kingdom was afraid of her anymore. The best part is that she turned into a unicorn!

© 2020, MEG KAPIL, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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BRUCE TACKLES THE NIGHTTIME TIGERS Bruce, age 9, recruits some magical assistance and a very special furry friend as he battles his nighttime tigers. Bruce bravely battled these nighttime tigers on his own for a long time.

So many of us are visited by big fears and worries at nighttime, I think you will really enjoy learning from Bruce as he was able to train even the toughest and scariest nighttime tiger.

ACT ONE: AWARENESS (Collecting Information) In a galaxy far far far away, there was a secret and very fierce magician named Bruce. He was a happy kid, with two parents who loved him, and an imaginary cat named Fluffy. Now, Bruce was not entirely problem free. Unbeknownst to most people, Bruce and his imaginary cat Fluffy were attacked by Tigers every night. Bruce had bravely battled these Tigers on his own for many a year. One day, he decided that he did not like being bitten by Tigers every evening, he needed to tame them. He noticed that before he was bitten by the Tigers, he had scary thoughts about his family and the future. These thoughts made the Tigers stronger and bite harder. He also noticed that his breathing got a bit faster, his head was tight, his stomach was in a HUGE knot, and his heart was pounding in his chest. He did not like it and wanted to train the Tigers to do what he told them.

ACT TWO: ASSIGN A LABEL (Organizing Information) He knew that the first thing he had to do was to Name It To Tame It. So he said “those are just my pesky Tigers (aka worry)” and he knew that as soon as he named them, he would be able to train them to do what he told them.

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ACT THREE: ACTION (What to do With the Information) Next, he consulted with a village elder and enlisted the help of his family (and his imaginary cat named Fluffy). After the talk with the elder, he learned strategies to train the Tigers.

Some of these strategies were helpful thinking strategies and some were body calming. The thinking ones that worked well were using messages of safety like “I am safe” and “this will pass” and “I can handle this”. He also noticed that he has some ‘not very helpful thoughts’ that were feeding the Tigers like “something bad will happen to my parents”. He labeled these as unhelpful and instead thought about more helpful things like “I am surrounded by people who care about me”. Then he looked around the room and noticed all the green things he could find because he liked the colour green, he took big breaths where he made sure to breathe out an extra long time and took a walk to shrink the influence of the Tigers even more. After he did this, he realized that they could not bite him anymore. Instead, they were more like little kittens, all cute and snuggly. He was very surprised that he had actually made friends with the Tigers.

© 2020, MEG KAPIL, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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LUNA PUTS OUT THE FIRE

Luna, age 8, gives us an incredibly powerful image of what it is like to live with worry. She describes it as making her feel like a house on fire. What a vivid image that I think many of you can relate to! Luna was lovely, patient, and respectful and was able to draw from these wonderful strengths to stay strong as she put out the fire of her worry. Do you think Luna can manage to make friends with her worry? Read on to find out….

ACT ONE: AWARENESS (Collecting Information) There was once a magical land that you could only get to by magical means. In this magical land, there lived a charming young girl named Luna. Luna was a truly nice and patient and respectful young girl, as well as being helpful. She even possessed the most rare quality of putting up her hand in class to make a comment instead of yelling things out and she helps her friends when they fall down. Even though Luna was so wonderful, she still struggled sometimes when she had to face her Worry Monster which made her feel like a house on fire. She knew her Worry Monster was there when she had a tummy ache and felt frozen, as well as when she had scary thoughts like “I might get sick” and “people might laugh at me”. Luna did not like feeling like a house on fire and was tired of her Worry Monster bossing her around. She decided she had to face her Worry Monster, so that it was not in charge of her anymore, and hopefully put out the fire.

ACT TWO: ASSIGN A LABEL (Organizing Information) Luna decided the first thing she needed to do was Name It To Tame It! She said with a clear and calm voice “I feel yucky and I feel worried”. As soon as she spoke these words, she felt a bit better but not all better so Luna realized she needed to keep fighting the Worry Monster so it would not bother her any more.

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ACT THREE: ACTION (What to do With the Information)

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Luna next used some helpful thoughts like “this is just my worry” and “my worry is making up stories”. She now knows that worry spreads the fire because it wants to get her attention so it can keep her safe. The only problem is that worry does this way too often and when there is no danger at all! Like magic, her Worry became smaller and smaller and was not so scary, kind of like she put out the fire that the Worry was trying to spread. To make Worry even smaller and to take out the last bit of fire, Luna did a cat stretch and took a very deep breath that went right into her belly. Luna couldn’t quite believe it but her worry was not scary anymore and now it was friendly. Luna realized she had put out the fire that Worry tried to spread! She knew Worry would try and spread fire again next time she was scared or worried, but she now knew what to do to put out the fire and uncover the friendly character that was underneath!

© 2020, MEG KAPIL, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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ELEANOR SHRINKS JIMMY The amazing Eleanor, age 9, is troubled some of the time by Jimmy. Jimmy can be both huge and scary and in control of Eleanor and other times nice and friendly. Follow Eleanor as she bravely sets out to shrink Jimmy and find out the secret to the many ‘layers’ of her success!

ACT ONE: AWARENESS (Collecting Information) A long time ago at a school, there was a girl named Eleanor. Eleanor was a lovely girl who was considered by all her friends to be brave, kind, honest, loving, and safe. You might think, because of all of these wonderful things, that she had no challenges at all.

However, Eleanor was often bothered by her secret friend Jimmy. When Jimmy was small and friendly, he was good company, nice, and fun to be around. Unfortunately, Jimmy was not always small, some of the time he grew huge and scary and loud and made a big mess and took control of Eleanor. Eleanor noticed Jimmy was getting way too big and not fun to be around when she felt like she was going to be sick, her breathing got really fast, and her heart started to beat like crazy. Eleanor also noticed that Jimmy was way too big when there were lots of ‘not helpful’ thoughts rolling around in her head such as “I can’t deal with this”, “I’m going to be sick”, and “something bad will happen”. One day, Eleanor decided that she was tired of Jimmy taking over and making her feel bad, so she decided she needed to shrink Jimmy.

ACT TWO: ASSIGN A LABEL (Organizing Information) The first step in Eleanor’s Jimmy shrinking plan was Name It To Tame It. She said to herself, “I feel worried”, and “that’s just Jimmy making a mess”. Right away, she felt a bit better but not completely better. She realized that she needed to do more shrinking.

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ACT THREE: ACTION (What to do With the Information) To completely shrink Jimmy, Eleanor knew that she needed to calm her body and make her thinking more helpful. Eleanor started calming her body by doing her figure 8 breathing because this was her favourite body calming strategy. Next, Eleanor turned her attention to her thinking. She knew she would need lots and lots and lots of layers of helpful thoughts to outweigh how heavy the not helpful thoughts are. So, she started the layering process by saying to herself “I’m safe”, “that’s just Jimmy, he’s making up stories again, no need to worry”, “I will figure this out”, “the worry will pass soon”, and “I’m learning to shrink Jimmy”. After all these layers, Jimmy was small and friendly again! They decided that they would both go to Eleanor’s graduation together and they had a wonderful time and ate layer cake. Eleanor passed and was thrilled that she was friends with Jimmy after all.

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ZART THE WORRY BEAST IS BOSSY AT CAMP

In this story, you will meet the courageous Maya, age 8, who is excited about going to camp. However, before she can enjoy camp, she first has to face the fearsome Worry Beast named Zart. Come along this journey with Maya as she tackles the Worry Beast. Do you think she will make it to camp?

ACT ONE: AWARENESS (Collecting Information) Once upon a time a very long time ago in a magical land far far away lived a lovely little girl named Maya. Maya was beloved by all the people of the land as she was a good friend, generous, helpful, a sister, and even a bit silly. You might think that Maya was perfect and had no troubles at all. Alas, this was not true. Maya was secretly bothered by a fearsome worry beast named Zart. She would always know when Zart came to visit her because her heart would beat quickly, her breath was very fast, she felt like she wanted to run away, and her head was full of no good and terrible thoughts. Zart made Maya feel awful. One especially fine day, Maya received a letter telling her that she would be attending a special Camp.

At first, Maya was excited but that did not last long. Do you know why? It was because Zart came to visit and ruined all her excitement. Instead, all she could think about was how the camp was too far away, she can’t manage without her mom, she would have a terrible time, she won’t have any friends there, and she will be scared and can’t deal with the camp.

ACT TWO: ASSIGN A LABEL (Organizing Information) Right after, Maya remembered all the trouble that Zart could cause and she realized that he was being very bossy about camp. So she decided to Name It To Tame it and said “That’s just Zart” and “I feel worried”. She thought to herself, “what should I do about Zart?”

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ACT THREE: ACTION (What to do With the Information) She decided that she would start to shrink Zart by remembering all the great things she knew to be true about herself, such as being a good friend, being generous, helpful, a good sister, and even a bit silly. Then, she next decided to tackle the not very helpful story Zart was telling about Camp. Instead of listening to the not very helpful story, she thought that “I will try to enjoy the camp, I know how to deal with Zart, it’s just a short carriage ride, I will try to make new friends, I will try to have fun, I will be a bit scared but know how to handle Zart”. Now that she had her thinking sorted out and it was much more helpful, she decided to settle down her body. She first used her figure 8 breathing and felt calmer right away. She also used her butterfly hug to feel even more safe. Finally, she went for a short walk around the lovely forest made of candy and felt way better. By the time she returned, she realized the Zart was not big and scary after all, he was just trying to protect her. Maya and Zart went off to play some games and have some fun together. Now that she was friends with Zart, he did not boss her around about camp anymore. In fact, she went to the camp and she had a great time. She knew that if she needed help, Zart would be close by.

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WRITING YOUR OWN STORY

After reading these wonderful stories, you may be interested in writing one of your own.

Keep in mind that these stories were written after each of the children had attended several therapy sessions. I suggest you take some time to work through the stages of the 3A Toolkit with a trained helping professional or by reading your own 3A Toolkit workbook.

If you are still interested in writing a story for yourself after you are able to shrink your own worry, I have provided a fill in the blanks version of the story on the next page to get you started. I wish you the best and am excited for you to create your own wonderful ending to your worry story!

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(NAME)____________________________SHRINKS THE WORRY ACT ONE: AWARENESS (Collecting Information) Once upon a time in a kingdom far far far away but also very close by, there lived a (superhero or descriptive noun and name e.g. Wise Sorcerer)_______________________ named (name)_____________________. (Name)_______________________ was a (strength adjective)_____________________ and (strength adjective)__________________________ (superhero or descriptive noun)_____________________ who liked to (favourite activities) ________________________________________________________________ and is (helping hand strengths) _____________________________ and was beloved by (favourite people and pets) _______________________________________________________________________.

Despite all these wonderful things, (name)_________________ was bothered by their (name of worry) _______________________________________. They noticed their (name of worry) _________________________________would be the strongest (when and where worry is noticed the most)_____________________________________________________________.

They would notice that the Worry Monster was taking over because (body signs of worry) _________________________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________.

The (name of worry) ________________________ also took over some of their thoughts.

The (name of worry) ________________________ created lots of Not helpful thoughts such as (examples of Not helpful thoughts) “I can’t handle it”, “it will never get better”, “this is awful” and ______________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________. These not helpful thoughts were like candy for the (name of worry) _________________________and it got stronger with these thoughts and (name)_________________________ felt worse and worse.

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ACT TWO: ASSIGN A LABEL (Organizing Information) One fine day, (name)___________________’s (name of worry)_________________________ was particularly strong. (name)________________________decided that they did not want to be bullied by their (name of worry)__________________________ anymore! So they decided to Name It to Tame It and said “this is my (name of worry) _______________ _________________________ talking” and “I’m not going to let it bully me anymore”! (name)________________ took the (name of worry)_______________________ out and set it to the side so they could take charge again.

ACT THREE: ACTION (What to do With the Information) The (superhero or descriptive noun and name) _________________________ knew they had to settle down his/her body and turn around his/her thinking in order to tame the (name of worry)_____________________________. (name)____________________ relaxed the body first with (body regulation strategies) __________________________________ and __________________________________ and __________________________________.

Already, (name)____________________ could feel the (name of worry) ______________ __________________________ getting smaller and smaller. Next, they turned to their thinking. (Name) ____________________ noticed the RED thoughts from Act One and turned them around to Helpful thoughts such as “This will pass” “What would help?”

“The worry might go out my ears” “__________________________________________________________” “__________________________________________________________” “__________________________________________________________”

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Once the (superhero or descriptive noun and name) ______________________________ realized that the (name of worry)_____________________________was small again, (name) ______________________ realized that (name of worry)_____________________________ was just trying to help and keep them safe, it just got over excited and tried to help too much. (name)_______________________ turned towards the (name of worry)____________________ which did not look scary anymore and sent it kind thoughts. Now that their (name of worry) ____________________________ was tamed, (name)______________________ could carry on to school and enjoy the day.

A FEW FINAL WORDS‌.

My heartfelt thanks to you for taking the time to read these courageous tales of tackling worry and other big feelings and most of all, to the main characters in these stories for being willing to share them with others. I hope you learned a lot and feel full of hope about being able to shrink your own worry. You are the author of your own story, although it is not at all easy to write a new ending, I wish you the very best on your journey.

Sincerely,

Meg

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APPENDIX

Calming the Body Being aware of how your body responds to stress and worry is very important. It is also important to know that different types of strategies work for different levels of body activation. For example, if you are very worried, breathing exercises do not always work well and may even make your worry bigger.

If you are at a medium to high level of worry, try a strategy that involves more movement. You can use a scale of your choice to show how much worry you notice in your body, in the sample below I have a scale with 1 to 5 representing low to middle levels of worry and 5 to 10 for high levels of worry. It might help to think about how much worry is in your body as your volume. When are feeling worried, we need to turn down the volume in your body.

Breathing and muscle relaxation will be work in the low to medium range (0 to 5 on the sample scale) while moving your body will work better in the high range. I have had many people tell me that breathing doesn’t work for them and makes their worry worse. Usually this is because they have tried to use breathing strategies when they are very very worried and their body is very very full of worry. There are many different breathing and body calming activities. I will outline only a few of them here. I encourage you to add your own favourites to the list.

Below, I will share some ideas of strategies that will help you to turn down the volume in your body. Most important is to find body calming strategies that work for you. You must practice these, starting off by practicing them when you are already calm, so that you can learn to use them when you are worried. You will need to practice for a few weeks before you are able to use the strategies really well. Also, keep in mind that everyone is different and you need to find the strategy that works for you.

Keep practicing until you find what works best in your 3A Toolkit! Before we get to the strategies, consider what kind of stressors or situations correspond with where you end up in terms of the amount of worry you notice in your body, which we are calling your volume, where 10 is very high (e.g. panic) and 0 is very low (e.g. asleep).

Write down a few of the situations and events that tend to lead to lots of worry for you and some of the situations and events that lead to a little bit of worry for you. Imagine that the number 0 to 10 represents how full of worry your body is (the volume) with between 0 and 5 being a low to middle level of worry and 5 to 10 being a high level of worry. The body calming strategies will help you turn down the volume in your body.

It is important to notice how full of worry your body is (the volume) so you can match the right strategy to the volume. Below are some examples if strategies the match to the level of activation and they are explained in more detail after that.

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10

5

HOW MUCH WORRY (VOLUME) IS IN YOUR BODY? STRESSORS OR SITUATION

STRESSORS OR SITUATION

0

It is important to notice how full of worry your body is (the volume) so you can match the right strategy to the volume. Below are some examples if strategies the match to the level of activation and they are explained in more detail after that.

BODY CALMING: MATCH THE STRATEGY TO THE VOLUME IN YOUR BODY 10

STRATEGIES FOR MEDIUM TO HIGH VOLUME Walking, running, sport or exercise of your choice.

Movements using both sides of your body that are slow and rhythmic (like the butterfly hug).

Shaking

5

STRATEGIES FOR LOW TO MIDDLE VOLUME Orienting or noticing where you are Breathing practice with a long breath out Yoga and mindfulness Muscle relaxation

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Body Calming Strategies for Low to Medium Level of Activation Breathing There are many different breathing exercises. For managing high activation such as anxiety, the general principle is to focus on a longer exhale and using the diaphragm. It can be helpful to go through even breathing, breathing with a longer exhale, and breathing with a longer inhale to increase your awareness of your breathing patterns. A longer inhale is usually more activating.

Figure 8 breathing Draw a figure 8 on the back of your hand. If you do not want pen on their hand, they can trace the shape with their finger. Trace the figure 8 with your finger, exhale as you trace the curve of the 8 and pause and inhale as you reach the center where the lines intersect. I find this breathing exercise helpful as it makes it easy to focus on the exhale, it brings your attention to the present moment, and the touch of your finger on your skin is soothing. I usually practice this for at least one minute a day. It is important to practice these new skills when you are not anxious so that you can use them effectively when you are.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation Progressive muscle relaxation is an established practice and many different scripts and protocols exist for this practice. I will leave it to you to find your favourite and there are many options available with a quick search online. The key principle of this practice is to move through different regions of the body and tense one region at a time and bring your full awareness to the experience, then relax the same body region for about twice as long as you were tense for. In this way, you develop awareness of where you hold tension in your body and become capable of relaxing when you set your intention and attention to do so. An example of body regions you may choose to focus on when tensing and then releasing your muscles are: right arm, left arm, face and head, neck and shoulders, mid-section, right leg, left leg. Once tensing and releasing your muscles in those regions, finish the practice with a body scan to see if any tension remains.

Orienting Orienting is another common and widely used practice. Orienting is a way of bringing attention to the present moment and providing the brain with information that you are safe in this moment.

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There are different orienting practices also and I suggest finding one that is a good fit for you. A very simple practice is to simply name objects that you see in the space around you. This gives the amygdala, the security guard, information that there is in fact no physical threat present so it will settle down a bit. A longer orienting practice that I find more effective is 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. In this practice, the client names 5 things they see, hear, and feel. This is followed by 4 then 3 then 2 then 1 thing they see, hear, and feel. This practice engages multiple senses to provide the amygdala with accurate information about safety, thus providing down regulation of the amygdala and nervous system.

Mindfulness Along with being critical for the Awareness and Assessment phases, mindfulness is also linked to improved neural integration and has been shown to be correlated with reduction in anxiety, among other positive results. There are many App’s available also that support a regular mindfulness practice.

Body Calming Strategies for High Levels of Activation As previously mentioned, breathing often is not effective for high levels of activation. For high levels of activation, regulation strategies involving movement are more effective. There are many different ways you can incorporate movement strategies and I suggest using activities that you are interested in such as sports, yoga, and dance. Just going for a walk can also be helpful. What is important is to come up with movement that you like and will actually use. Other movement approaches for when you are not able to leave the room include the following (not an exhaustive list): Finger Pushups Press the fingers tips of both hands together, then slowly and intentionally lift each pair of fingers away from each other and then press them back together. Continue this way with each pair of fingers for as long as needed.

Bilateral Foot Movements This exercise works well when you are seated and not able to get up and walk. Slowly and intentionally lift the toes and ball of one foot keeping the heel on the ground, and then follow the same movement with the other foot and continue as needed. Keep the movement slow and measured as quick movements may increase the level of activation.

Butterfly or Bear Hug Place each hand on the opposite arm in a gentle self-embrace using the amount of pressure that feels soothing. Then alternate squeezing one side and then then other. Some people like a gentle embrace (butterfly hug) and others prefer much firmer contact (bear hug).

Shaking Engage in rigorous shaking of your whole body for about a minute. You will notice partway through this practice that you really want to stop. This lets you know your ‘brakes’ are starting to work.

Once the time is up, allow yourself to rest, feeling your relaxed muscles.

Practice, Practice, Practice….

As I mentioned before, whichever strategy you think will work for you, you will need to practice it.

Perhaps choose a strategy from the low to middle volume section and another one for the higher levels and practice those for a week at least and see how they work for you. You usually need about three weeks to start to be really good at something new. If you find a strategy doesn’t work for you

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or you don’t like it, try another one. There will be something that works for you but you may need to try a few things before you find the right match. And remember, match the strategy with how much volume you notice in your body. Otherwise, even the right strategy won’t work if you use it for the wrong volume. Breathing is a good example of this. Breathing is wonderful for calming down the body. But, it does not always work well when you are really really worried (your volume is really really high), some people find it even makes them feel worse. This doesn’t mean that breathing doesn’t work, it just means you need to use it at the right time. Enjoy your practice and know that you are getting better at shrinking your worry every time you practice!

Now that you have learned a few strategies to calm your body down when you feel anxious, what strategy will you use when you notice a small or middle amount of worry? How will you practice this every day?

What about when you notice lots of worry, what movement strategies will you try to calm down your body? How will you practice this?

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Remember to practice these body calming practices when you are calm so you can learn them really well. It is hard to try a new strategy when you are worried, it will be much easier if you practice alot while you are calm. You might need to try a few different ones until you find your favourite.

Let’s now add what you’ve learned about body calming to your 3A Toolkit. Here is an example of what you could put in a body calming bucket of strategies:

Body Calming

A bit worried

A lot worried

Breathing

Movement

Orienting

Shaking

Butterfly Hug What are your favourite body calming strategies that will go in your bucket of strategies?

Body Calming

A bit worried

A lot worried

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Now let’s add these body calming strategies to your 3A Toolkit:

3A TOOLKIT AWARENESS

ASSIGN A LABEL

(collecting information)

(organizing information)

THINKING What are the not helpful thoughts?

What do you feel?

ACTION

(responding to information) What strategies will go in your bucket of body calming strategies?

A bit worried:

BODY What do you notice?

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A lot worried:

Strategies for Helpful Thinking From the Awareness section of the 3A Toolkit, we have already noticed thinking that is not helpful and is probably fueling the worry. In this section, we will work on what to do after we have noticed thinking that is not helpful. Basically, we need to work on creating thinking that is helpful!

There are two categories of helpful thinking that you will learn about: 1. Messages of safety 2. Specific helpful thinking Before we explore these two categories of helpful thinking in more detail, I want to let you know it does not work very well to try and stop the unhelpful thoughts. Instead, this brings your attention to them even more and tends to grow them even bigger.

Remember the example from before, if I said to you, “I don’t want you to think about cupcakes”, what do you think about?

That’s right….cupcakes!! Simply notice the not helpful thinking, label it as not helpful, and shift your focus and energy on helpful thinking such as Messages of safety and Specific helpful thinking.

Messages of Safety From the Awareness chapter, we know that when we are worried and ‘flip our lid’, our brain is basically fighting tigers and ‘thinks’ that we are in terrible physical danger, even when we are not. So, an important part of learning how to have helpful thinking that will shrink your worry is to give your brain the message that you are safe.

You have started to do this in the body calming section, these strategies help you to feel safe in your body. One really useful strategy for giving your brain the information that you are safe is orienting (check Chapter 3: Strategies for Body Calming for a description). With orienting, you are using your senses to give your brain the correct information that you are safe and not being attacked by tigers.

You can add another layer of calm and shrink the worry a bit more by giving yourself and your downstairs brain messages that you are safe. You can use any messages that reminds you that you are safe. Here are some examples: “I am safe” “There are no tigers here”

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“It is just my worry that is making me feel like this, I am safe” “I can handle this” “This feeling will pass soon” What are some other messages of safety that will help shrink your worry?

Choose a couple of messages of safety that will work best for you and be ready to use these to shrink your worry next time it is too big. You can use the messages of safety anytime you are worried although it is easier to use any thinking strategy when your activation level is not quite as high. If your worry is really big, then you will have ‘flipped your lid’ and the harder it will be to think at all. So try to use the messages of safety as soon as you notice your worry is getting too big.

You can even practice using them when you are feeling good, it is always easier to practice helpful thinking when you are already calm.

Sometimes, you will have some not helpful thoughts that you want to deal with more directly.

For these thoughts, we will work on how to create specific helpful thinking.

Specific Helpful Thinking Growing helpful thinking takes practice as it is not just a case of using the opposite thought.

The opposite is sometimes too far from the not helpful thought so it is too hard to believe. For example, if you are thinking to yourself when you are about to give a presentation in class “I’m going to mess up”, then the opposite thought is something like “I’m going to be amazing”. While this is totally possible, it will be hard for you to believe when you are worried because that is not how you feel in that moment.

Sometimes the helpful thoughts are not even related to the not helpful thought. Helpful thoughts have these parts to them:

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• They are about the present and not the future • Focus on what you are good at or capable of doing • Focus on what you can influence For example, if your not helpful thought is “I can’t do this” when you think about a performance coming up, then thinking “I will be amazing” will not be believable as there is too much of a gap between the current thought and the more helpful one. Instead, to try something like “I can get started” (present focus), “I have the training and practice to do this” (what you are capable of), and “I have practiced a lot and I will do the best I can” (what you can influence).

It can be really hard to learn how to turn not helpful thoughts into helpful ones, definitely ask the adults in your life to help you and they may also need to practice this for themselves!

More Thinking About Thinking We have talked about how thinking, especially thinking that is negative or not very helpful, can be assessed by the amygdala as a threat and grow your worry. We also talked about adding messages of safety help the reptile brain know you are actually safe and how to turn not helpful thoughts into helpful thoughts.

Let’s try this out with your very own thoughts that are not helpful. I will give you a few examples of not helpful thinking on the left. On the right, I will show you a few examples of thinking that is more helpful.

Use the blank spaces to practice turning your own not helpful thoughts into helpful thoughts.

First, write down a not helpful thought on the left, then cross it out. Next, with the help of an adult make a new helpful thought.

Remember that the helpful thought may not be the opposite of the not helpful one, or even about the same thing at all, but it will include the building blocks of helpful thinking (present moment focus, focus on capability and what you can influence). Once you have some examples of helpful thoughts, you may want to keep these with you so you can remember them when needed.

With lots of practice, you will get better and better and making the helpful thoughts.

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UNHELPFUL THOUGHT

HELPFUL THOUGHT (present moment focus, focus on capability, focus on what you can influence)

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I’m an idiot

I have worked hard on this presentation and will focus on what I know

I can’t do this

I will get through this and learn from any mistakes that I make

I will never get better

I am working on managing my anxiety better and will practice my helpful thinking as I do this presentation

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It really does take a lot of practice to notice not helpful thinking and then make more helpful thinking. It is also important to know that negative or not helpful thinking, which is common with worry, tends to be more ‘heavy’ than helpful thinking.

A good way to practice this is to write down a not helpful thought in the middle of a piece of paper. Then layer on top of this about 5 or 6 helpful thought cards until the not helpful thought is covered up completely. This show you that you need many more layers of helpful thought to balance out a not helpful one.

Not Helpful Thought Very HEAVY

Helpful Thoughts Need 3 to 5 times as many to offset the Unhelpful thoughts

Here are some examples of Not Helpful thoughts that are very common and act as fuel to grow the worry.

“I can’t do it” “I am all alone” “ I will never figure this out” “ Something bad will happen” “Everyone will laugh at me” “I need this to be perfect or….”

Practice adding layers and layers of helpful thoughts by writing one of the examples above of not helpful thoughts in the middle of a piece of paper. Then use the cards below (you can print them and cut them up) as examples of helpful thoughts and layer on at least 5 helpful thought cards or keep going until you feel you have balanced out the thoughts and the helpful ones are ‘heavier’ or ‘stronger’ the not helpful one. You will need to figure out for yourself how many helpful thoughts are needed to balance out a not helpful thought and each not helpful thought will have a different weight that is unique for you.

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Helpful Thought Cards:

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I am safe

This feeling will pass soon

There are no tigers here

I am trying

I can handle this

I am doing my best

I can figure this out

I am kind

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I can find somebody to help

I am a good friend

I can remember my helping hand

I am not able to do this YET

That is just my worry, it is not true

I have practiced and prepared

Everyone wants me to do well

I am proud of how hard I have worked

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My worry is Pink fluffy unicorns I am learning making up stories dancing on again rainbows

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I am enough

I am creative

This is a journey

I am learning

There is no right way

This won’t define me

I love that I am different

I am loved

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Example of How to Layer Helpful Thoughts Over Not Helpful Thoughts

My worry is making up stories again

That is just my worry, it is not true

I am safe

Something bad will happen There are no tigers here

I can handle this

This feeling will pass soon

Keep practicing this process of layering helpful thoughts over not helpful ones with your own not helpful thoughts. You really need to practice this often to be able to notice your not helpful thoughts, to be able to focus on helpful thoughts, and to shrink your worry.

The Content Trap Sometimes you will feel like you are stuck thinking about the not helpful thoughts, kind of like you’re going in circles. You may do this with yourself or other people my try to reason with you’re the story your worry is telling. For example, imagine you were speaking with the person in the example about public speaking anxiety. You might say to them, “don’t be silly, you’ll do fine in your presentation”. They will likely not believe you because they do not feel fine in this moment. They may reply with something like “….yeah but I know I will mess up because it happened before”. So, you tell them “you have prepared well and know the material” and they again respond with “yeah but that doesn’t matter, I always mess up”. You can see where this is going, in circles!

In the example above, the person is stuck in the story the worry is telling. Instead, try to look at the worry as separate from the story and use the 3A Toolkit approach to notice, name, and shrink the worry.

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For example, working through the 3 A’s:

AWARENESS

Thinking – notice the not helpful thinking Body – what do you notice about your body

ASSIGN A LABEL

• Name the anxiety • “that is just my worry”or “I feel worried”

ACTION

Thinking – focus on more helpful thinking or messages of safety Body – calm down the body using your favourite body calming strategy

Think about a time when you were worried. What were some of the not helpful thoughts that helped grow the worry? There might even be a few thoughts together, kind of like the worry is telling a story. What is the story that your worry is telling?

Once you are aware of the story that your worry is telling you, you can try and make a new story that is way more helpful. For example, with our example of public speaking in mind, this is a more helpful story: “I have been dealing with worry about class presentation for a long time but I am now ready to learn about how to shrink my worry and work on being more comfortable with presentation. I know this will be hard and I won’t always be able to do it well, but I know I am trying hard and I will learn and improve. I am proud of myself for not giving up and avoiding presentations altogether, even though some days this seems easier. I think I will be able to try more new things, which I want to be able to do, when I get even better at managing my worry”.

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What is a more helpful story you can tell about your worry?

Now that you know a bit more about helpful and not helpful thoughts, here is an example of what a bucket of helpful thinking strategies might look like:

Helpful Thinking Bucket

Messages of safety

Specific helpful thoughts

I am safe, I can do this, there are no I will figure it tigers here, out, I have I can handle practised this, worry is a lot. making things up

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What will you put in your helpful thinking bucket?

Helpful Thinking Bucket

Messages of safety

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Specific helpful thoughts

3A TOOLKIT AWARENESS

ASSIGN A LABEL

(collecting information)

(organizing information)

THINKING What are the not helpful thoughts?

What do you feel?

BODY What do you notice?

ACTION

(responding to information) Helpful Thinking: What will you have in your helpful thinking bucket?

Body: What body calming strategies will you use?

Now you have your very own 3A Toolkit to help you shrink your worries. Congratulations on your hard work so far! Your worry is probably already a bit smaller from the work you have done on growing your helpful thinking and calming your body. Maybe, you are even starting to see your worry as being a bit smaller and friendlier than you did at the beginning. You now know that your worry is really trying to keep you safe. Read the complete Creating Calm: 3A Toolkit for Managing Stress and Anxiety to keep building your own toolkit and you ability to shrink your worry!

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