FEAR NOT!

by Ken Wilson Steppingstones to Recovery

When I see the word FEAR, my adrenaline starts pumping and my anxiety rises! I’m waiting for the punchline! When it comes to recovery from addiction, however, the word is often used as an acronym: False Expectations Appearing Real. When this idiom is voiced in recovery circles it’s a reminder to not project certain outcomes in our brain as reality. A preplanned outcome can be a set-up for disappointment.

Often families in recovery expect a personality overhaul when their loved one quits drinking or drugging. They are tired of the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde effect – a lovely person when clean and sober but a real grizzly when using. Usually the newly recovering substance abuser is quite a different person after treatment. But not always so. You see, the issue isn’t chemical use. Recently I saw a Facebook post – I can’t find it now and don’t know who to give credit to - but it was a photo of a young man who said “One day I woke up in a hospital and the doctor asked me “What is your problem?” I replied “I am an alcoholic and an addict.” The doctor said, “No, that’s how you have been treating your problem!”

A mental picture of this concept might be looking at an iceberg with the label “Alcohol” on the 10-15% of the mass that is visible above the water line, and the remainder of it below the water line labeled “my life problems.” If one stops drinking (top part) but doesn’t address the bottom portion of it he or she will drink or drug again, or will be that miserable person who is referred to in recovery circles as a “dry drunk.”

That’s what recovery is about. The first phase, of course, is cessation of drinking and drugging. A treatment program makes this phase much easier than trying to do it alone. Then comes the psychic change, a “spiritual” revolution. When the founder of the first 12-step program, Bill Wilson, spoke to crowds he rarely used the word “alcohol.” He spoke instead about a “return to sanity.” In fact, the word “alcohol” is only used once in the basic 12-steps of recovery. Step programs focus on this return to sanity. And results take time. The words used in the 12 steps for this focus is “character defects,” which newly recovering substance abusers dedicate themselves to correcting. It is a program of grueling honesty and often not a pretty picture. This is a never-ending lifestyle –those “working the steps” for 20 -30 years being just as dedicated to the task as they were at the outset.

A wife I knew many years ago was hoping her husband would spend more time with

This Is Your Brain

her at home after he completed a treatment program. She was surprised when he spent most evenings after work at his recovery meetings, and weekends with new recovering friends. He felt it was necessary to maintain his sobriety in early recovery. She expected him to be her whole life like he was when he was drinking heavily, when she would pour his drinks “one an hour” for him, get him to bed most evenings, clean up after him when he was sick from excessive drinking, call in sick for him on Monday mornings, and fib about his whereabouts when he didn’t show up to social functions. She did not feel needed like she used to feel, and sobbed to me, “I liked him better when he was drinking.” I pointed her to a companion group consisting largely of wives of alcoholics and she finally came into her own and became a whole person and a leader in the group. Their marriage still survives because of it.

You have a real treasure if you know someone in longterm recovery or even in early recovery.

FEAR not!