MARCH 6, 2020
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AUGUSTAMEDICALEXAMiNER
THEBESTMEDICINE ha... ha...
A
priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I might be a typo.” A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, “I think I might be a Type O.” A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job, so they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together to compare notes. “When I found the bear I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water,” said the priest. His first communion is next week!” “I found my bear by a stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “In hindsight,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.” The judge asks a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw.” From the back of the courtroom a man
shouts, “You lying bastard!” “Silence in the court!” The judge turns to the defendant again and says, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.” “You tightwad!” blurts the spectator. “Silence!” yelled the judge. “You are also charged with killing your mailman with an electric drill.” “You cheap son of a...” the spectator shouts. The judge thunders, “I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?” “I’ve lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a single tool when I needed to borrow one?” A new camp commander was appointed to Ft. Gordon, and while inspecting the place for the first time he saw two privates guarding a bench. He went over and asked them why they were guarding it. “We don’t know. The last commander told us to do it, so we did.” The new CO called the previous commander to ask why the bench needed guarding. “I have no idea. The previous commander always had guards there and I just kept the tradition going.” Going back three more commanders, he found a now 100-year-old retired general. “Excuse me, sir. I’m the new CO of your former camp. I’ve found two guards assigned to guard a bench. Why did you put them there?” “What??? The paint is still wet?” +
Why subscribe to theMEDICALEXAMINER? What do you mean? Staring at my phone all day has had no Effect on ME!
Because try as they might, no one can stare at their phone all day.
The
Advice Doctor ©
Dear Advice Doctor, On vacation over the Christmas holidays I set my purse down in a restaurant, and it was out of my sight for maybe two seconds, but when I looked for something I had in there later it was gone. I don’t know who did it or how, but in the blink of an eye they stole my identity, ruined my credit rating, and drained my bank account. I’m still recovering. Help! — Cleaned Out Dear Cleaned Out, I’m sure this is a difficult situation for you, and I don’t mean to seem uncaring, but it’s a wonder this doesn’t happen more often, or that it has never happened to you before this. Why do I make a statement like that? Do you realize the average person blinks 15 times a minute? That adds up to more than 10,000 blinks a day, quite a lot of shuteye. “The blink of an eye” is an idiom meaning a very brief period of time, and in fact, the length of a typical blink is a mere 100 milliseconds long. Even so, University College London (UCL) neurologists estimated in a 2005 study that if all our blinks in an entire year were consecutive, they would add up to 9 full days spent blinking annually. We blink for several reasons, including as a response to eye irritants and as flirting or other forms of body language, and the majority of blinks, performed to lubricate the eyes and rinse away any foreign matter. How is that we don’t notice so much blinking? Those same UCL neurologists conducted an elaborate study to measure the effects of blinking on the brain. Subjects blinked while lying in a darkened MRI brain scanner with a fiber optic light cable in their mouth to make their entire head glow. This was to ensure that light falling on the retina was constant even while blinking, enabling scientists to measure any effects on brain activity independent of light. The surprising discovery of the study was that blinking instantaneously suppresses brain regions associated with sight. That’s why we are only rarely aware of our many blinks. When people say (as you did) that they missed something because it happened in the blink of an eye, well, the brain misses it too. I hope this answers your question. Thanks for writing! + Do you have a question for The Advice Doctor about health, life, love, personal relationships, career, raising children, or any other important topic? Send it to News@AugustaRx.com. Replies will be provided only in the Examiner.
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