Melbourne Observer. 120215A. February 15, 2012. Part A. Pages 1-26, Pages 35-36

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■ Dame Elisabeth Murdoch celebrates her 103rd birthday, flanked by grandchildren Lachlan Murdoch and Elisabeth Freud (nee Elisabeth Murdoch, daughter of Rupert and Anna Murdoch). The Melbourne Observer’s Di Rolle reports from the big party at the Melbourne Recitcal Centre - see Pages 8-9.

TV LEGEND USED ‘DATE RAPE’ DRUG

EXCLUSIVE

■ Australian TV star Graham Kennedy used the ‘date rape’ drug ‘Rohypnol’, it is revealed in a private letter published for the first time this week by the Melbourne Observer.

The In Melbourne Tonight TV legend, who died in 2005, revealed his selfadministration of the drug, to help him sleep.

Turn To Page 3

‘The night before the start of filming a feature was always difficult for me until I discovered Rohypnol - you hardly have time to put down the glass’ - Graham Kennedy

A STINT, NOT A STENT, SAYS BERT ... OK, IT WAS A STENT - P11

Page 2 - Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012

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Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012 - Page 3

Breaking Showbiz News

It’s All About You!

Melbourne

TV STAR GRAHAM KENNEDY Observer USED ROHPYNOL DRUG In This 60-Page Edition

■ Rohypnol is not available legally in U.S. but is available in other countries.

Rohypnol is an intermediate-acting benzodiazepine with general properties similar to those of Valium.

It is used in the short-term treatment of insomnia, as a premedication in surgical procedures and for inducing anaesthesia.

Rohypnol's sedative effects are approximately 7 to 10 times stronger than Valium.

The effects of Rohypnol appear 15 to 20 minutes after administration and last approximately four to six hours.

Rohypnol became (in)famous because it can cause memory ‘blackouts’, periods of memory loss that follow ingestion of the drug with alcohol.

■ Melbourne television star Graham Kennedy used the ‘date rape’ drug, Rohypnol, in the late 1980s whilst filming Travelling North in Queensland.

Kennedy, who died in 2005, made the admission in one of a series of letters to lifelong friend Henry Gay, who released it this week to the Melbourne Observer.

Kennedy wrote that he used Rohypnol to get to sleep before filming Travelling North, which also starred Leo McKern and Julia Blake.

Rohypnol is a potent drug, said to be seven to 7 to 10 times stronger than Valium. It is illegal in the United States, and is available only under prescription in Australia.

It can lead to dependence, anxiety, aggression, confusion, loss of inhibition, and loss of impulse control.

Kennedy said the effect of ‘Rohypnol’ was rapid: “The night before the start of filming a feature was always difficult for me until I discovered Rohypnol - you hardly

have time to put down the glass”. Medical source said Rohypnol usually took effect within 15-20 minutes.

Rohypnol is iften known as the ‘forget me drug’, as well as the forget pill, and Mexican Valium.

Other effects can include slurred speech, impaired balance, lack of concentration and dizziness. ● Turn To Page 11

Observer Showbiz

Latest News Flashes Around Victoria

Shovel attack alleged ■ Wayne Cornes, 50, the uncle of AFL footballers Chad and Kane Cornes has appeared at Geelong Court after allegedly attacking his Barwon Heads neighbour with a shovel in a dispute.The matter returns to Court in April. ● Graham Kennedy: used ‘Rohypnol’

FILE PHOTO

refund be paid to Berriman, and that ASM collect the football from him at its own expense.

There have been subsequent Tribunal hearings, with a further $100 payment ordered to be made to Simon Berriman.

Taxpayers fleeced ● Graham Kennedy’s typed letter to Henry Gay includes handwritten notes

FIGHT OVER FOOTY

■ A long-standing fight over a $75 football between collector Simon Berriman and Australian Sports Management (Vic) Pty Ltd has again found its way to the Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal.

Berriman took the case to VCAT after he paid $75 in 2009 to ASM for a football plus a phoptograph signed by a particular footballer.

VCAT Senior Member Alan Vassie was rtold that the football was delivered, but the signed photograph was not.

VCAT member Peter Eggleston had ordered that a $75

News: Bank loses Court case ................ Page 5 Melbourne People: Been and seen ......... Page 6 Di Rolle: At Dame Elisabeth’s party ....... Page 8 Melb. Confidential: Stint, not a stent ..... Page 11 Long Shots: Melbourne Awards ........... Page 12 Yvonne: Be alert about every bill ......... Page 14 Mike McColl Jones: Mad as hell .......... Page 20 Melb. Extra: Outback Legend reports ..... Page 22 Observer Readers Club: Birthday list ..... Page 23 Whiparound: News around Victoria ...... Page 24 Victoria Pictorial: Nostalgia photos ...... Page 34 Julie Houghton Cheryl Threadgold Jim Sherlock Aaron Rourke

ASM sought a further review lasy month, but this was dismissed by Mr Vassie.

VCAT said ASM director Mr B. Kirkwood seemed to hold the belief that the $100 payment was not due, because Mr Berriman had not returned the football.

“He is wrong,” Mr Vassie said.

Mr Vassie said he was of the hope that “a need for any further dispute between the parties” could be avoided.

“Already too much time and money has been spent by each of them.”

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■ Thieves have fleeced more than $27,000 worth of sheep from North East Water in the past financial year. CEO Craig Heiner, says 69 sheep have disappeared from the WangarattaWastewater Treatment Plant, and a further 137 sheep from land at Benalla.

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Page 4 - Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012

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Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012 - Page 5

Breaking News

Financial Planning

DRUG TRAFFICKER RELEASED Happy 90th Mavis

Briefs

with Jon and Andrew Rancie of Rancie McLean Financial Planning Level 4, 420 Collins Street, Melbourne Vic 3000 Phone: 9671 4990

Surgery

Dollar Cost Averaging Does It Work?

● Derryn Hinch ■ 3AW broadcaster Derr yn Hinch underwent surgery at the Austin Hospital on Monday to replace a stent related to his life-saving liver transplant operation last year.

Cleared

● Wayne Rigg ■ Former Ballarat City councillor Wayne Rigg says an investigation into $30,000 worth of his travel expenses was “political payback”.

He has been cleared of any wrongdoing.

■ Self-confessed drug trafficker Mahoud Kheir has been released immediately from jail after serving 64 days, following his appeal to the Court of Appeal.

Kheir had pleaded guilty to trafficking in and possession of drugs of dependence.

He had been held in remand on an unrelated charge, on which he was acquitted. Kheir argued that the timke he had spent in jail on the acquitted charge was not taken into account when County Court Judge Howie sentenced him.

Supreme Court Judges Buchanan and Hollingworth agreed.

They heard that Police had reason to believe that members of Khier’s family were engaged in drug trafficking. They monitored the telephones of members of the family and laid charges against the head of the family and three of the sons. Mahoud Kheir is the eldest son.

Kheir had spent 10 months in remand before being acquitted. He received a 12-month jail term on the charges of trafficking methtylamphetamine and possession of ecstasy.

The 33-year-old man was born in Australia. The Court was told he travelled to Lebanon with his family in his teenage years, and did not go to secondary school.

He is illiterate.

Married, with three young children, Kheir had a history of binge drinking, and abuse of methylamphetamine and prescription medicine.

Kheir had 27 prior convictions including offences of violence, drug offences, dishonestry, driving offences and street offences.

● Angela McGowan was at the Darebin RSL at Preston on Saturday night for 90th birthday celebrations for ‘Harmonica’ Mavis Ellis, who was well known to 3AW Overnighters listeners from 1990 until July last year.

It was a big week for Angela, and her husband Keith (below), the former radio man, who had cataract eye surgery at Templestowe. Keith says he is recovering well.

BANK LOSES COURT CASE The Fallen Tree

Valuable lessons can sometimes be lost due to emotional responses created from short-term volatility and disruption. It can be so frustrating!

One of the most straightforward strategies that can be utilised to assist client portfolios in times of high frustration and volatility is that of dollar cost averaging.

Dollar cost averaging is an investment strategy that can be used with any investment. Dollar cost averaging involves investing equal monetary amounts regularly over specific time periods (such as $100 monthly) in a particular investment or portfolio.

By doing so, more shares are purchased when prices are low and fewer shares are purchased when prices are high. The point of this is to lower the total average cost per share of the investment, giving the investor a lower overall cost for the shares purchased over time.

The really interesting thing with dollar cost averaging actually works better in volatile markets rather than those that gradually increase.

As investors we all prefer markets like those from 2003 to early 2008 when despite the odd “market correction” along the way the overall direction was pointing up.

Since the start of 2008 and the global financial crisis volatility has been ever present. 1% to 2% swings on a regular basis have coursed a significant amount of stress but interestingly enough some of us have become a little conditioned to it!

That’s a discussion for another time.

An example of a dollar cost averaging strategy is where $100 is invested over five time periods.

The market price of the investment begins at $10, falls to $7.50, falls further to $5.50 before bouncing back to $11 before settling back at $10. In other words the market over the five investment periods has ended where it started.

The bad news about dollar cost averaging is that some times you will be buying into a market at high prices although you will also be buying in at low points, which is where you essentially make your money.

In this case, at the end of the period by dollar cost averaging the investment portfolio was worth $606. Keep in mind, $500 was invested and the market ended where it started.

Remanded ■ Terrance Leslie Carrodus, 45, of Morwell, has been remanded until May, on a charge alleging assault.

Stolen

■ Bendigo man Tony Emmitt has been robbed of his $400,000 truck and his livelihood.

His truck was stolen from a depot in Woodend.He has had to stand down three Emmitts Excavations staff members because of the theft

● Bridgette Burton (left), Jonathon Dyer and Libby Gott appear in The Fallen Tree at La Mama from February 15 - March 4.

Photo: Tim Williamson ■ La Mama presents The Fallen Tree from February 15 - March 4 at La Mama Theatre, 205 Faraday St., Carlton.

Written by Christine Croyden and directed by Wayne Pearn, The Fallen Tree tells of Hannah and her neighbour Claire having survived Black Saturday.

Their community is rebuilding, the fallen trees have been cleared and the eastern rosellas have returned to the fresh, new bush land.

But the fire did not burn a big enough hole for Hannah to forget things that even a devastating blaze couldn't destroy. For Claire, remembering what she didn't know proves a challenge, until it becomes clear that she doesn't have a choice. Together they find a way to start again.

Performances: February 15 - March 4 Times: Wed, Sun at 6.30pm, Thurs, Fri, Sat at 7.30pm. Running time: 70 minutes Venue: La Mama Theatre, 205 Faraday St., Carlton. Tickets: $25 full, $15 concession Bookings: 9347 6142 or www.lamama.com.au

■ The Commonwealth Bank has lost its bid to evict a tenant from St Kilda Rd premises - because it incorrectly addressed the envelope.

The Bank wanted to evict a tenant Harry Fongus from premises at Apartment 202, 519-539 St Kilda Rd, who paid rent to mortgagor, Maria Jody Montebello.

The Bank alleged that Ms Montebello was in default under the registered mortgage to the bank in respect to the premises.

Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal Senior Member Alan Vassie was told that the Bank sent a ‘Notice To Vacate’ to ‘The Occupier’.

It used wording ‘All Occupants of Apartment 202’ in other paperwork.

Member Vassie found that the Residential Tenancies Act requires notices to vacate to be on a prescribed form, and that it be addressed “to the tenant, resident or site tenant”.

Bank solicitor, Ms C Louka, said the Commonwealth Bank was unaware of the identity of Mr Fongus until last month.

“An occupier of premises is not necessarily a tenant,” Mr Vassie said. “The occupier may be a licensee, or a trespasser The notice to vacate was invalid because it was not addressed to the tenant.”

If you had invested the same amount in a market that rose steadily from $10 in $1 increments to $14, you would have had a portfolio worth close to $591.

The average cost of the dollar cost averaged portfolio was $8.25 compared to $11.83 for the gradually increasing market.

What we quickly learn here is less about the end portfolio value and more about overcoming our natural behaviour. We generally feel good about investing when markets are trending up steadily.

Markets that are volatile unsettle us and create doubt about the wisdom of investing and have us second-guess our decisions.

A disciplined investment approach like dollar cost averaging helps overcome that natural behavioural that wants us to try and time the market, which is fraught with danger.

As always, if you would like to review your personal financial situation we would be happy to meet with you initially, at our expense.

Jon & Andrew Rancie are Authorised Representatives of Australian Financial Services (AFSL: No. 297239) Note: In this article we have not considered your personal situation nor your goals or objectives. You should not base your future investment decisions on the content of this article. Before you invest your hard earned money you should consult a Financial Adviser and have your situation reviewed, clarified and agree to a strategy for investing for the future.

Page 6 - Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Open Day

People Melbourne

Send news to editor@melbourneobserver.com.au

● Sir Keith Murdoch

www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

■ Dame Elisabeth Murdoch will open the gates of Cruden Farm in support of the work of Melbourne’s renowned Baker IDI Heart and Diabetes Institute, on Sunday, February 26.

The farm, at Langwarrin, was established by Dame Elisabeth, and her late husband, Sir Keith Murdoch.

The gardens were designed 80 years ago by Edna Walling. This year’s open day will include a sausage sizzle, baby animals, children’s entertainment, a silent auction, chamber music, raffles and stalls.

Cruden Farm is on Cranhaven Rd, Langwarrin.

Melway Ref: 103 G5.

Available at the gate: adults $25, children under 18 free. Parking is free.

Waxing lyrical

Brady and Brady

By George

Fax: 1-800 231 312

● George Dreyfus

■ Composer George Dreyfus presented the soaring sounds of his new score, Symphony No.3, at Hawthorn Town Hall, 358 Burwood Rd, at 2.30pm on Sunday, March 4.

The first half of the concert will revisit some of Dreyfus’s most famous compositions, including his much loved theme from the 1974 television series, Rush, as well as a suite of short pieces composed for Tim Burstall’s 1963 ABC children’s television series, The Adventures Of Sebastian The Fox. The symphony will feature a string orchestra, piano solo, wind and brass sections and an exquisite choral section performed by Camberwell Chorale.

This is the final concert to be held in the Hawthorn Town Hall before its temporary closure.

Entry by gold coin donation will be donated to the Hawthorn Community Chest. Enquiries: 9278 4770 www.boroondara.vic.gov.au/symphony3

Bound for Mt Buller

● The Madame Tussaud wax model of Dannii Minogue was keen to be photographed with Melbourne woman-about-town, Suzanne Carbone.

Fellowships available ● 3AW presenter Philip Brady invited Melbourne TV producer Jenchurai Brown to a belated birthday lunch at the weekend, on condition that she bring her pup, ‘Brady Brown Dog’.

■ The State Library of Victoria is inviting applications from Australian writers, academics, artist, composers and researchers for its 2012-13 Creative Fellowships. Sue Hamilton, Acting CEO and State Librarian.says the 2012-13 Creative Fellowships are for periods of three, six and 12 months. Grants range from $12,500 to $50,000.

● Dan Sultan and Tex Perkins will entertain at a concert to be held at the Mt Buller and Mt Stirling Alpine Lodge on Saturday, February 25. Also appearing will be Adalita, The Bowers & The Fearless Vampire Killers. Tex has staged ‘The Man In Black’ concerts, featuring the musical work of Johnny Cash.

Melbourne’s tram-a-lama-ding-ding

● Celebrating success at the Harcourts real estate network awards night are Claire Hunt (North Geelong), John Hall of (Rosebud) and Joe Grgic of (North Geelong).

■ A magnificent Hindu temple, Shree Swaminarayan, has been inaugurated in Boronia after elaborate festivities lasting seven days. Hinduism claims to be the oldest and third largest religion of the world with about one billion adherents.

● Nova 100 breakfast show presenter Dave Hughes, Brynne Edelsten, Lord Mayor Cr Robert Doyle, and copresenter Kate Langbroek were aboard a City Circle tram this week to present their show. It was Mrs Edelsten’s first tram ride. Nova Publicity Director Jane Elliott said other guests included Carly and Emily Cheung from the My Kitchen Rules TV program, and former North Melbourne footballer Glenn Archer.

MARKETING FEATURE

Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012 - Page 7

Bennetts Boots - Marketing Feature

Footwear for the 40+ woman

■ As you get older there are changes to the female feet.

In their forties, many women start to get issues with their feet.

This can be due to many years in heels,bad quality footwear,lifestyle or the changes being a mum can make to the feet.

Feet size and shape can change often; it is always a good idea to get your shoes fitted by a specialist, to make sure you have the right shoe size for your feet.

When a woman has a baby, generally her feet will widen to counteract the extra weight. It is common for women to go up half to one whole shoe size when they have children.

Those who have taking the time to see a foot specialist may now need to wear orthotics.These are moulded insets for your shoes,they help you walk properly and avoid future issues with your back and hips.

What makes a good shoe?

■ The shoe should hold onto the foot,this means your ballet flats are not a good option unless they have the buckle across the top of the foot ■ They need to be roomy around the foot but not slipping.This allows for the change in the foot size over the space of a day.

■ They need to be made from a breathable material like leather.We can sweet up to 100mls into our feet each day; the breathable materials reduce the effects this has on your skin. It's also a great reason to get two pairs of your favourite shoes.You need to air your shoesfor at least one day after every wear to prevent damage and wear from the fluid.

■ Easy to get on and off.That's really my personal opinion but I would guess most people will agree, struggling to pull on a pair of boots without a zip or twisting to do up a buckle is so frustrating when you're running out the door.

■ Able to fit your orthotics, if you have them ■ They must be comfortable with good structure and support ■ If they are boots they must not restrict the calf or ankle.

This can cause serious damage to your feet and legs.

Bennetts Boots has this and more: ■ We have 24 different sizes so we have the right fit for you;without restricting area's that you need to keep your feet and legs healthy.

■ All our boots are made from very high quality Nappa leather that is light,soft and flexible so it moulds around your calf like a second skin.

Making you look taller and slimmer ■ All our foot fittings are 'C' which means they are wider in the foot giving your toes room to move and most orthotics fit.

■ The support around the ankle makes walking around all day more comfortable ■ The Bennetts Boots Blue lining is soft, fury luxuriously pleasurable and have anti sweet,anti -smell properties.

■ All our boots have full length zips making them easy to get on and off ■ The solid structure of the boots is layered with extra cushioning,for shock resistance and all day comfort.

■ Most importantly we have a huge selection of styles so you can get the look and fit your after : Come into one of our store and feel the difference a quality pair of boots that fit will make: 39 Bridge Rd RichmondVictoria or 1/10 Dunlop Rd Hoppers Crossing.

Or jump online www.BennettsBoots.com or for phone orders call 1300 309 866

Page 8 - Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Elisabeth, what a Dame

● Dame Elisabeth Murdoch greets Premier Ted Baillieu ■ I did but see her passing by and I will love her till I die ... I speak of Dame Elisabeth Murdoch.

It was June 23, 2008 and I was watching the wonderful interview she did with Andrew Denton on the Elders Series, an interview I have kept.

I was riveted and captivated by this beautiful woman who has walked with monarchs and dined with the leaders of her age and though her family name is considered one of the most powerful in the world, she has lived a life of service.

Adored by her family and protected ever so by Lachlan Murdoch on the night of her 103rd birthday the celebration last week was at the Melbourne Recital Centre where she presides as Patron of the magnificent much lauded Elisabeth Murdoch Hall.

As in her television interviews, there is a greatness in her presence.

The room silenced when she entered the front doors in her now familiar wheel chair for her special night.

Looking fabulous in pink, she glowed, her smile, those sparkling blue eyes that ‘don’t miss a trick’ lit up when she saw her children, grandchildren and great-great grandchildren standing in school uniforms waiting for her entrance.

Her much loved grandchild Lachlan Murdoch walked to her side along with his sister, the beautiful living image of her mother Ann Murdoch, the irrepressible Elisabeth Freud, with her son Samson on her hip.

What I love about Dame Elisabeth is her love of people and family and her stance as matriarch of the Murdoch dynasty and the ever present strength of her love of life.

Never a word out of place, never a foot wrong as they say in all the etiquette books, Dame Elisabeth does her family name proud.

She carried herself with grandeur long gone and one can’t help but feel the presence of the love of her life, her husband Keith Murdoch.

I am sure I saw him in the wings somewhere on the other night watching over her.

It was a superb night with more than900 especially invited guests, a guest list prepared

by Dame Elisabeth Murdoch herself.

In the presence of Governor Alex Chernov and Mrs Chernov, Premier Ted Bailleau and his wife Robyn, the Lord Mayor Robert Doyle and all her family young members of the family Kate and Michael Kantor got up to make a speech about their remarkable grandmother, their Granny, or Great Granny Murdoch as she is known to the children, the 19 grandchildren, the 52 great grandchildren and 11 great great grandchildren.

We in the audience heard how not content to sleep, Granny has spent many decades of her life reading through the night, stopping just before sunrise to go pour and water the magnificent lawns of her wonderful home Cruden Farm.

On the evening, as well as a concert in the Elizabeth Murdoch Hall in her honour, Dame Elisabeth Murdoch was awarded the Freewoman of the City Award by the Lord Mayor, Robert Doyle.

It is the first time a woman has won the award, the highest form of recognition the City can bestow upon an individual. A graceful means of bestowing a City’s acclamation on a distinguished person.

It is an honour of distinction that carries no privileges – a means by which a distinguished person is given recognition for a high sense of duty or public spirit.

Others to have been awarded this prestigious award are HRH Prince Philip Duke of Edinburgh; Sir William Slim, Field Marshall; Sir Robert Menzies, Prime Minister ;and Nelson Mandela, African Congress Leader.

It was a most memorable night.

www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

To

Di

I love my job!

Di Rolle is heard most Mondays with Andrew McLaren on 3AW, just after the 1am quiz.

For SEVEN LAUNCHES FOOTY TEAM

■ Football season is almost upon us and I for one am very excited about it.

Channel Seven has unveiled its AFL commentary line-up for the 2012 premiership season.

As the sole free-toair TV broadcaster, Seven will show the four best games every weekend during the home-and-away-season - on Friday nights, Saturday afternoons, Saturday nights and Sunday afternoons.

On Friday Nights, which begin at 7.30pm in Melbourne, the iconic commentary team of Bruce McAvaney, Dennis Cometti, Leigh Matthews, Tim Watson, Tom Harley and Matthew Richardson will return once again.

Kicking off at 6.30pm, the new Saturday Night coverage will feature the irrepressible Brian Taylor, Bulldogs champion Luke Darcy, Geelong premiership skipper Cameron Ling and Richo.

On Saturday afternoons, beginning at 3pm, AFL Game Day host Hamish McLachlan and 7 Perth sports presenter Basil Zempilas will call the action, with the coaching legend Mick Malthouse and Tom Harley providing expert comments and former Swans Captain Brett Kirk the field commentary.

Then on Sundays from 3pm Bruce, Dennis and Tim return, joined by either Cameron Ling or Brett Kirk who will share field commentary duties for the season.

Collectively they represent the most decorated, revered and popular figures in AFL football today.

with leading Melbourne publicist DI ROLLE

very funny. Charlie Murphy came from that show a top billed international comedian, playing to soldout audiences around the world and his rise has been remarkable – he now has his sights set on Australia with shows scheduled for Melbourne in April.

Look out for him at The Princess Theatre, April 19 and 20.

Book at Ticketmaster, 1300 660 013 or www.comedy festival.com.au Melbourne tickets went on sale yesterday (Tues.).

New TV job ■ I always like to hear about ‘behind the scenes’ appointments in television.

So I was thrilled to hear that one of Australia’s most respected journalists, Sally Neighbour, is the new Executive Producer of the ABC’s 7.30 program.

7.30 is one of my ‘must see’ viewing habits daily – I love itit’s got integrity and its intelligent television viewing. Sally has more than 30 years ● Cameron Ling Seven’s team has they’ve lined up their won 21 premierships, positions. We can’t 17 best-and-Fairest wait for the opening awards and played or bounce.” coached in 3315 It’s very exciting! games.

The Managing Director of Seven Melbourne, Lewis Martin, told the ■ From football to a Melbourne Observer: fascinating character “Like every footy coming out, Charlie fan we couldn’t be Murphy.

Charlie Murphy more excited about the made a rapid ascent season ahead.

“It was in May last from ‘Eddie Muryear that we first drew phy’s brother/bodyup a list of our dream guard’ and became a commentary team. Chappelle’s Show cast “Well, we’ve member.

I am an avid fan of drafted exactly that dream team, and now the Chappelle Show,

Charlie!

● Dennis Cometti experience – much of Awards.Director of it with the ABC in a ABC News, Kate range of TV pro- Torney told the grams, including Four Melbourne Observer : “We are delighted Corners, the former 7.30 Report, Lateline, to appoint Sally to the Foreign Correspon- 7.30 Executive Prodent and ABC News. ducer position. She is She has been a one of Australia’s finWalkley finalist 15 est journalists, with an times and has won unparalleled reputathree Walkley tion for breaking stories and excellent investigative reporting.

“Her leadership and her passion will be a huge asset to the 7.30 team. ” Sally said, "I am thrilled at this opportunity to be at the helm of ABC TV's flagship nightly current affairs program and look forward to an exciting year for 7.30." Sally reported for Four Corners from 1996.

Sally takes up the role on Monday, February, 27. I always like to think of the people behind the scenes who put so much work into bringing us these programs. They tend to ● Charlie Murphy get forgotten. .

www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

Di

Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012 - Page 9

People

Dame Elisabeth Murdoch’s 103rd Birthday Party Melbourne Recital Centre

Rolle

● Dame Elisabeth Murdoch - all smiles at her party

● State Govenor Alex Chernov and Elizabeth Chernov

● Dame Elisabeth Murdoch with Di Rolle at Melbourne Recital Centre

● Mary McKendry and her husband Mao's Last Dancer author Li Cunxin

● Harold Mitchell with Dame Elisabeth Murdoch (it was also Harold Mitchell’s birthday week)

Must-see TV ■ Must see television this week, which is very boldly circled in my Green Guide is Family Confidential on ABC1 at 8pm Thursday (Feb. 16) is the story of Ernie Dingo and my friend Sally.

I can’t wait to watch it. I highly recommend. Having known them both and loved them for a long time, it will be an honest and moving story.

By the way, I am addicted to the Green Guide each week. I just love reading it, read it five or six times and love nothing better than sitting on my sofa with a cuppa and circling my weekly viewing!

● Sally Neighbour

● Lord Mayor Robert Doyle with Ted Baillieu

● Elisabeth Freud with son Samson Murdoch Freud, 5

● Brother and sister Elisabeth and Lachlan Murdoch

● Grand daughter Julie Kantor presents the cake

Page 10 - Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012

www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

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Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012 - Page 11

www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

Confidential Melbourne

Talk is cheap, gossip is priceless

A STINT, NOT A STENT: BERT (WELL, OK, IT WAS A STENT!)

Bitch Melbourne’s Secrets

Long flight will be dry

● Ross Stevenson and John Burns ■ 3AW breakfast show pair Ross Stevenson and John Burns will be travelling to London later this year, to cover the Olympic Games for their radio audience.

The airline trip will be provided by new station sponsor, Royal Brunei, which has a ban on selling alcoholic beverages on all its flights.

Some passengers sneak liquor on board, but any unopened liquor is confiscated at Bandar Airport at Brunei. The leg between Bandar and Dubai is dry.

Royal Brunei this month starts daily flights into Melbourne.

‘Stalked on Twitter’

● Peter Ford ■ Melbourne showbiz reporter Peter Ford has closed his Twitter social media, amid claims by the Channel 7 Sunrise show that he was being “stalked”.

A ‘Tweet’ from the Sunrise program said that Ford had stopped used the social media site. A search for the @mrpford page said “no such user account exists”.

Ford appears on dozens of Australian radio stations each week, including 3AW in Melbourne.

■ At first, Bert Newton categorically denied that he had a heart attack, or emergency heart surgery, in Singapore last week.

Newton, 73, said he was suffering from a heavy cold, and was admitted for a short stint in hospital, to avoid complications to a lung problem he had last year.

On Monday, Newton admitted to Martin King on A Current Affair that he had indeed had a replacement stent in his heart at Raffles Private Hospital, Singapore.

Australia’s showbiz correspondents went into overdrive on Friday when Holly Byrnes broke the story on the Herald Sun web-site, headlined ‘Bert Newton Undergoes Emergency Heart Surgery In Singapore’.

Newton’s wife Patti flew from Melbourne to Singapore to be at her husband’s side.

Nine also employs Bert Newton.

Patti Newton said that Bert was phoning her up to 15 times a day, and said that he was at his hotel.

She denied that he had been in hospital, it was reported.

Wicked spokeswoman Amanda Osborne told the press at the weekend: “Bert Newton has not had a heart attack or emergency heart surgery in Singapore.

“He has had a very heavy cold, which caused him some minor complications and a short stint in hospital.”

Showbiz fans are left to wonder about the truthfulness of press releases issued by Nine and the Wicked promoters. They were not accurate.

Last June saw Newton create headlines when he was admitted to Melbourne’s Epworth Hospital suffering from a bout of pneumonia.

● Patti Newton

Cleared

● Adem Atmaca ■ Bribe allegations against Hume City councillor Adem Atmaca have been dropped. A local government inspector found there has been no wrongdoing.

Cruel

● The heart surgery story published by the Herald Sun on Friday

Rumour Mill

■ John Black, 72, of Hoppers Crossing, has been fined $500 after throwing his neighbour’s dog into a dam.

GRA GRA USED ROHYPNOL DRUG ● From Page 3

Hear It Here First

Virgin sell-out rumour ■ Vrigin Australia founder Richard Branson may consider selling his 26 per cent holding in the airline to Etihad, led by former Melbourne man James Hogan.

Air New Zealand currently holds a 20 per cent stake in the Virgin brand here.

Hogan says his Abu Dhabi based airline would seri- ● James Hogan ously look at investing in Virgin. Etihad has recently invested in Air Berlin and Air Seychelles. It is reportedly in talks with Irish airline, Aer Lingus.

The Merrywell to open

Melbourne Snippets ■ Age writer Jane Holyroyd has this week written a whinge piece about being fined $180 for having her feet on a seat on a train.

Tough but fair way to learn about manners, Jane.

■ Melbourne-bred Jeffrey Browne, boss of the Nine Network, copped a blast from sacked personality Kerri-Anne Kennerley.

Then again, he kept his job, she didn’t.

Whispers

■ A new ‘gastro-pub’, The Merrywell, will open at Crown Melbourne in mid-April. It will be run by globe-trotting chefs Grant MacPherson and Sammy D. Crown Pr boss Ann Peacock gathered Melbourne’s serious foodies for a sneak preview on Monday, and they were joined by Crown’s newly appointed ambassador, Jesinta Campbell.

Kennedy’s admission came in one of his many letters to close friend, Henry Gay, who is now retired with wife Maureen in Queensland.

The pair has worked together in the 1950s at Melbourne radio station 3UZ. Kennedy spoke of filming Travelling North: “Location filming can be boring if it’s an hour’s ● Graham Kennedy billet: this not only means you have to get up at 4am instead of 5am but it adds two hours on to an already long day.

“Lighting can take forever too. But the air is fresh and for some reason the film-catering food tastes better.”

Kennedy confessed that he was “always appalled when watching or listening to myself nad try to avoid it”.

“In film making, an actor is required to go to rushes (yesterday’s work played tonight) where, if you do something wrong, you have to sit there and watch it over and over again, depending on how many takes the director ordered to be printed,” Kennedy explained. ● Henry Gay

E-Mail: Editor@MelbourneObserver.com.au

www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

Page 12 - Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Melbourne

Observer MELBOURNE AWARDS Melbourne

Observer

The Best Columnists

Incorporating the Melbourne Advertiser Victoria’s Independent Newspaper First Published September 14, 1969 Every Wednesday

People Michael Mace

Contact Us Phone: Fax: Web: E-Mail:

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1-800 231 311 1-800 231 312 www.MelbourneObserver.com.au Editor@MelbourneObserver.com.au

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Newsagents contact: All Day Distribution Pty Ltd, 1st Floor, 600 Nicholson St, North Fitzroy, Vic. 3068. Phone: (03) 9482 1145. Fax: (03) 9482 2962. Distribution Manager: Sam Fiorini.

● Lord Mayor Robert Doyle with past Melbourne Award winners (L-R): Melanie Raymond (Youth Projects), Ian Penrose (Yarra Riverkeepers Association), Ellen Sandell (Youth Climate Coalition), Sue Roff (Arts Project Australia), Susan Barton (Lighthouse Foundation), Rachel Riak (NAB Program Graduate), Ray Jasper (SES) and Brendan Nottle (Salvation Army) ■ Lord Mayor Robert Doyle was joined by ten past winners of Melbourne Awards, including restaurateur Guy Grossi and the founder of the Lighthouse Foundation, Susan Barton, to launch the nominations process for this landmark year.

The Melbourne Awards are the City of Melbourne’s premier accolade to recognise and reward those who dedicate their time and energy to the city, celebrating the achievements of inspirational individuals, community organisations and businesses that contribute to Melbourne’s success. editor@ melbourneobserver.com.au Past winners in attendance also included Jade with Ash Long, Editor Camilleri, Ray Jasper, Brendan Nottle, Natalie “For the cause that lacks assistance, O’Brien, Ian Penrose, ‘Gainst the wrongs that need resistance Melanie Raymond, Sue For the future in the distance, Roff and Ellen Sandell.

And the good that we can do”

Long Shots

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Copyright © 2012, Local Media Pty Ltd (ACN 096 680 063).

Advertise yourself acrossVictoria Contact Mary Richardson, our Senior Associate Editor, to arrange advertising across Victoria in the Observer. Phone 1-800 231 311. mary@localmedia.com.au

Book launch ■ Whenever we hear the Melbourne district name of Lalor correctly pronounced as LAWLOR, we know it is usually an old-timer of the northern suburb, or their descendant.

Tomorrow (Thurs.) sees a new book being launched, tracing the history of the suburb, mostly built on a self-help basis by families from 1946.

Named to honour the leader of the Eureka Re-

bellion, the Peter Lalor Homebuilding Co operative Society was formed after World War II during a chronic housing shortage.

Lalor: The Peter Lalor Home Building Co-operative 1946–2012, by Moira Scollay, will be launched tomorrow (Thurs.) at The Great Hall of the City of Whittlesea.

Long Shots wonders if there is a photo of a teenage boy who rode his bicycle from Reservoir to his girlfriend’s Lalor home.

Condolences

● Di Rolle ■ Sincere condolences to Observer columnist Di Rolle, whose father Peter died on Sunday at Forster, New South Wales.

Di flew from Melbourne on Saturday to be with her sisters at her father’s bedside.

Di, who runs a busy PR practice from South Yarra , will be on leave over the coming week.

IMPORTANT NOTE ABOUT COURT REPORTS Contents of Court Lists are intended for information purposes only. The lists are extracted from Court Lists, as supplied to the public, by the Magistrates’ Court of Victoria, often one week prior to publication date; for current Court lists, please contact the Court. Further details of cases are available at www.magistratescourt.vic.gov.au The Melbourne Observer shall in no event accept any liability for loss or damage suffered by any person or body due to information provided. The information is provided on the basis that persons accessing it undertake responsibility for assessing the relevance and accuracy of its content. No inference of a party’s guilt or innocence should be made by publication of their name as a defendant. Court schedules may be changed at any time for any reason, including withdrawal of the action by the Plaintiff/Applicant. E&OE.

● Michael Mace ■ Meet Michael Mace from Adelphi Players Theatre Company.

A veteran director of more than 100 productions, including plays, pantomimes and modern operas, Michael began his theatrical involvement in March, 1962 as a teenager, helping backstage at the Bayside Little Theatre in Brighton.

When this company folded at the end of 1962, several members formed the Adelphi Players Theatre Company, which staged The Winslow Boy as its first show in 1963.

Michael continued working behind the scenes for Adelphi until commencing directing in 1968.

Among his credits are The Club, Equus, The Telephone, Not About Heroes and Demolition Job, which took out top honours at the Waverley Festival.

Michael has adjudicated for the Ballarat National Theatre, The Kyneton Play Festival and also volunteers in the Victorian Drama League's Library, where he was granted a Life Membership in 2001.

Adelphi Players presents three productions per year, rehearsing in Ormond and performing in the intimate environment of the National Trust homestead Labassa, in Caulfield.

In 2011 Adelphi Players and the Friends of Labassa celebrated 20 years of mutual support, with show proceeds donated to contribute to the restoration of the house.

Adelphi Players returned to the one act festival circuit last year, winning first prize and Best Supporting Actor in Anglesea for The Bet. The company hopes to repeat this success when touring again this year.

Michael and his cast are currently rehearsing Adelphi's 147th production, A Guardsman's Cup of Tea, by Thomas Browne.

This whimsical comedy will be staged at Labassa between April 17 - 22. For information and bookings, please contact 9690 1593.

■ Thanks to Brendan Allan of Adelphi Players for providing information for Michael's story.

- Cheryl Threadgold

Observer Treasury Thoughts For The Week

■ “I am always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.”

- Winston Churchill ■ “Some people demand the benefit of doubt when there isn’t any.”

Observer Curmudgeon

■ “A liberal is a man who leaves a room when the fight begins.”

- Heywood Broun

Text For The Week

■ “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

- Mark 11:24

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www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

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Page 14 - Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012

www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

Melbourne

Observer Life & Style

ALWAYS CHECK YOUR BILLS News Briefs Winner

■ The wise advice is that we should never see how politics and sausages are made. Ignoring the latter piece of advice is butcher Paddy Maginn of East Kew, who has won the latest Australian Lamb Sausage King award.

OMG

■ St Paul’s Anglican Church, Dandenong Rd, Caulfield, has fought back with the misuse of the “OMG’acronym.

It has posted an ‘OMG’ sign to its facade.

■ Meanwhile, the Global Atheist Convention is being held in Melbourne from April 13-15. God willing.

Pool shut ■ Public behaviour at the Drouin Public Swimming Pool has become so bad, that the Baw Baw Shire has shut the facility.

In the latest incident, three lifeguards were pushed into the pool.

The Shire says it has an obligation to ensure public safety at the pool. Police are investigating

Keep on the grass ■ Aussie home buyers are prepared to pay up to $75,668 more for a lawn, according to a national survey of residential real estate agents, conducted by Turf Australia.

■ For most of us, trying to balance the budget in today’s economic climate is not a walk in the park.

It wasn’t until recently that I really checked my bills. I assumed that all was correct, and I paid them on the due date.

It wasn’t until I received the latest electricity invoice for our home use and reeled back at the enormous increase from our usual average account that I sat down and looked at every little charge.

My biggest shock was the ‘last actual reading’ then I realised that there was a mistake somewhere. There was no way that this could be correct.

Our electricity meter is behind a door at the side of the front door, and before Christmas we found that it wouldn’t open. We tried, but it was stuck. Not even the invisible man could have slipped through the keyhole!

Yvonne’s Column

Prepare for a long wait ■ Christmas is the worst time to get a tradesman to call. Our usual man said he was going on holidays but he would be there without fail early February.

Meantime, we received a letter from our electricity supplier saying that the meter reader couldn’t gain access and the situation had to be rectified immediately.

Failure to do so was a daily fine, and a cancellation of our account.

Now, came the worst part, and I warn you that if you make a query on any account, be the amount large or small, be prepared for a long, long wait.

Apparently, nobody hears the ringing of a land line phone any more, it seems that only their mobile catches their attention and it’s answered in a minute regardless of customers waiting.

Answer me this ...

■ Finally I reached the person responsible, and at the risk of being accused of being racist, his command of English should not have qualified him to the position of troubleshooter.

After waiting for 45minutes for someone to hear the phone ringing whilst being entertained by Muzak and at regular intervals a recorded voice telling me how important my call was to them, I was becoming more irate by the minute.

You would assume that the person who answered your call would be prepared to deal with your complaint without disruption: even an apology would have been nice. So, why he kept putting me on hold whilst he talked to someone else I will never know.

All I wanted to know was how could my invoice be an actual reading when the reader couldn’t gain access. He replied that he has the reader’s number and he did actually read the meter.

“Then,” said I, “ why did the company send me a letter dated after the date of the actual reading telling me that no access could be made?”

Taking proof to the bank ■ We went on like this for what seemed like hours. I was finally put on to a supervisor, and as soon as I started to tell him my problem he hung up, but not before I managed to tell him that I would be cancelling my account and going to another provider.

So, now I scrutinise every bill that comes into the house.

During Christmas, Peter and I had lunch out. I presented my credit card, but it was declined – twice. I was embarrassed because I was paying back a bet I made with Peter about something. But more so because we frequent that restaurant often.

I refused to believe that there was no money in the account. And Peter paid the bill.

But I’m so glad that I asked the waiter to give me the slips showing that the amount had been declined.

On discussing it with the bank, it seemed that a mistake had occurred and I was charged twice on my credit card. The bank of course reimbursed me, but if I hadn’t asked for the dockets I would have had no proof.

Certain rip-off ■ Since my experience with the electricity supplier I scan anything where money is involved.

I wonder how many naïve people, hoping to gain something, send money to someone in Nigeria or India believing that they have the opportunity to acquire vast

been robbed and was making an insurance claim, stuttered and stammered when I asked them if the document they were signing was true and correct, and explained the consequences for willful perjury as they swore on the Bible.

Suddenly, many remembered an appointment and said they would come back later to sign. Of course, they never did.

I don’t know why some people think it’s okay to lie when making an insurance claim. I do know that the cost of insurance will never go down while people think it’s okay to make a false claim.

Greed is one of the deadly sins isn’t it?

Be alert readers. Check and double-check every invoice before paying any money.

Since Peter fell off a ladder I’m amazed that so many of my friends tell me a similar story.

What is it about men?

with Yvonne Lawrence yvonne.lawrence@bigpond.com

wealth by simply sending off their details, and often a cheque for a handling fee or some such nonsense.

The scams are becoming more sophisticated and you just have to delete these enticing offers.

The awful thing about these begging letters is that the wording can tug at the heartstrings, and a kind and generous person can feel guilty if they don’t respond.

Of course the wording in the letters are written by experts to do just that.

Be reassured that you will be ripped off.

Flea in their ear ■ The latest recycled scam is telling you that you have inherited so many millions and a cheque will be sent to you by return mail if you send a small amount to cover their fees.

The amount is usually only a few hundred dollars so it doesn’t sound alarm bells. Of course, there is no inheritance, and just an angry disappointed person who has been scammed.

So, not only do I scan my bills, but also I’ve become a real terror when someone knocks on my door. If the person doesn’t have any identification I send them off with a flea in their ear.

When I was a shopping centrte manager and it became known that I was a Justice of the Peace I couldn’t count the number of documents I was asked to witness daily from members of the public. Finally I reserved certain hours for signing documents.

One of the deadly sins ■ I’d like a penny for every time a person who had

Melbourne Observations with Matt Bissett-Johnson

■ What is itabout men that let them think that they can climb on a roof like a mountain goat?

A friend of mine is looking after her husband who broke his hip when he fell.

I even worry about the young man who cleans our gutters and scurries over the roof tiles without a safety net.

In fact, come to think about it, life was so much easier when I didn’t have to concern myself about bills and scams and things.

But it seems that in this time of economic instability there are many more people around trying to take advantage of others and endeavoring to separate them from their hard earned money.

So watch out, and don’t let the bedbugs bite.

- Yvonne Contact: Melbourne Observer, P.O. Box 1278 Research 3095.

3WBC 94.1 FM, P.O. Box 159, Box Hill 3128

NewsRound-Up Seniors hit with $30 rise ■ Pensioners in public housing, who received a $30 Federal Government rise, will lose the money in a State Government levy that doesn’t exempt the rise.

Beggar knocks at 11pm ■ Glenroy residents have been asked to be on the ‘look-out’ for a scammer who has been knocking on doors as late as 11pm, asking for money.

Guilty of animal cruelty ■ Transport operator Gavin O’Sullivan of Elmore has been hit fines totalling $10,000 after pleading guilty to eight charges of animal cruelty.

www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012 - Page 15

Seymour Alternative Farming Expo

This Weekend!

This Weekend!

Page 16 - Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Seymour Alternative Farming Expo

www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012 - Page 17

Seymour Alternative Farming Expo

Located at Site No 27 Seymour Expo

Page 18 - Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Seymour Alternative Farming Expo

www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012 - Page 19

Victorian Rural News

Page 20 - Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012

www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

Melbourne

Observer Mike McColl Jones

I’M AS MAD AS HELL - AND I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE

■ Remember the film Network, in which TV newsreader, Howard Beale (played by Aussie, Peter Finch), urged his viewers to open their windows and scream "I'm as mad as Hell and I can't take it any more".

Well, I'm at that stage now.

I recently purchased some of my favourite confectionery, and noticing it was smaller in size, I suggested to the person behind the counter "obviously it's now cheaper?".

"No" was the answer. "Well, why the smaller size?" She replied "The company is thinking of our health and they decided to take some ingredients out and reduce the size. This would make it much healthier!"

How kind of them.

I discovered also that my favourite beer had lost .2 percentage points of alcohol, and again, this was the brewery's way of saying "Let us look after you".

The fact that this reduction of alcohol will save the brewer millions of dollars a year in beer tax is purely coincidental.

I have just succumbed to those new light globes. You know the ones that look like illuminated Dairy Queens.

A nice man came in one day, fitted them and congratulated us on "becoming green".

Green? We've gone bloody brown ... they're so dim I can't see anything any more! I'm learning to read Braille and I'm thinking of buying a Labrador just so he can show me around the house.

And, what about fruit and vegetables?

Remember the days when they actually smelled and tasted like … fruit and vegetables.

Now they taste like wax!

That of course is if you can find fruit and veggies that are grown in Australia.

But, if you spend more, you can get organic fruit and vegetables.

Why should we have to spend more?

Some of our top restaurants have adopted the More/Less policy. (The more you pay, the less you get).

I was at one of these restaurants recently.

The waiter came over after the meal and said "How did Sir find the steak?".

I said "Sir found the steak when he lifted up a piece of broccoli and there it was!".

Sir was also upset that he had to pay $7.50 EXTRA per serve of each vegetable.

It's not that long ago when vegetables (like a wheel with a car) came with the main course free of charge.

I'm betting that it won't be long before we cop a hiring fee for our cutlery!

And speaking of wheels ... some cars don't come with a spare any more ... they have what would pass for a bike wheel.

Toast isn't toast any more ... it's trendy to only partially burn the bread, so it's "broast". (not to mention the electricity they save!).

There is one consistency with "trendiness". It's cheaper for the supplier.

Remember when toothpaste used to gently ooze on to the toothbrush?

Now, it gushes out over the brush and most falling into the sink ... and

Open Mike

● Howard Beale portrayed by Peter Finch most of it dribbles down the plug-hole. thrown into the breeze", or in America, Now I know where "the yellow you can even have your ashes placed went!". in a rocket and fired into space ... the Remember when a trip to the ultimate "send up". chemist was simply a matter of pickI love their slogan - "You'll ing up a prescription or getting some never never know if you never never Asprin. go!".

Nowadays, have a look at the seAnd the banks ... well, they are allection ... Shampoos for all types of ways thinking of us. hair, oily, stringy, thin, thick, every Our local bank recently closed (accolour, none ... there are even sham- cording to head office, it was because poos for people who don't have hair WE the public asked for it to be re... just so they don't feel out of it. located).

And the shelves contain EVERYOh yes, we wanted to drive to anTHING ... some items that we weren't other bank that was two suburbs away. even allowed to mention in mixed But, banks love our company. They company! love having us on the premises so As for Asprin….now they even much they invent ways to keep us have specialised pain tablets. there longer.

I saw one for ‘Back and Neck Pain Especially at lunch time…..the Relief’. longer the queue, the fewer the tellThese capsules have a GPS at- ers. tached so they can find their way to And they encourage obstacles…. the appropriate part of the body.

Soon after the last bushfire appeal, And how about the days when you I was in a bank, in a queue that was used to drive into the local service increasing in size by the minute. station (which was just down the street There was a man at the counter - now it's in the next suburb!). who seemingly had 20 sacks of small You'd pull in, hand the keys to the change, which he not only wanted nice man who would check your oil, counted, but sent to a bank account in water, tyres, wash your windscreens Nigeria - and he could only rememand talk to you about the footy. ber three numbers of his PIN. Now, you drive in (having secured (No wonder people are robbing a bank loan to pay for the bloody stuff), banks ... it's about the only way to get serve yourself, wash the windscreen, served). check the oil and stand in line to pay.

By the time I got out of the bank, I The only conversations heard knew most people in the queue by nowadays are their first-name, in fact, I discovered "No, I don't have Fly-Bys ... and I I was related to one of them, and there do not want two Violet Crumbles for was another couple who introduced themselves and as I left were planthe price of one".

When I was a child, I remember ning a wedding.

Ahhhh, the supermarket! pouring milk (from a bottle) on to my The epicentre of our neighCornflakes, and the milk was like bourhood, where we HAVE to go on a what they call cream today.

What they call cream today is what regular basis.

Supermarkets have heir own interused to float on the top of the milk esting rules. bottle!

For example, the Express Lane is I poured some milk the other day, always manned by the person who is and it was simply white water.

No self-respecting cow would ever the slowest in the joint.

It is almost impossible to purchase own up to it!

Don't you love the ads for funer- one item. You have to buy a pack of a als? You're sailing along, listening to dozen.

It is nigh on impossible to find a your favourite music when there is a commercial break and a voice says trolley that has wheels that turn.

And my favourite target, the shop"XYZ Funerals….have we got a deal per who ignores the sign ‘12 items or for you!".

The offers are so generous you feel less’, and staggers to the checkout with like driving into a tree so you can take a bulging basket.

Everyone can tell she has 127 advantage of their monthly special.

And these days, it's much more items but she doesn't care.

Here is some advice. than a burial in the ground or a burnWait till she gets to item 8 ... then ing on the Weber…..you can be “sprinkled at sea”, “taken aloft and get as many people in the queue to

yell with you, "9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 etc".

In my experience, not many have made it past 14!

Just about my all-time favourite the Telco.

Remember when all we had was a big black Bakelite phone ... and the only alternative was the public phone box.

Now, EVERYONE in the country (man, woman, child and pussy cat) has nearly two each!

We have this incredible access ... we can ring anyone on earth, we can receive a call on the smallest handset, we can send and receive messages from our hand, we can watch TV on our phones, we can watch sporting events and movies on our phones, we can access weather, the stock market, racing tips and buy anything from a DVD to a house ... about the only thing we can't do is to contact the phone company!

Remember how much the banks love us? Well, the Telcos love us so much more than the banks.

They want us to stay forever!

Before you even get started, we have the options.

Press Button 1 if you are Caucasian and right-handed, Press Button 2 if you sleep on the right hand side of the bed.

Press button 3 if you have had a ‘Brazilian Wax’ in the last 24-hours.

Press Button 4 if you can remember why you were ringing ... and so on ...

After button 168, I was told to wait for an operator ... I waited and waited and waited.

I was read the new privacy laws and asked if I would mind my call being monitored ... by whom? The great grand-child of the operator?

At this rate, he or she was going to be in an ideal position to take the details from my great grand-child.

But then the fun really starts ... Is this an enquiry about purchasing a new phone?", "An accounts query? "Or, something else?".

Always say "I want a new phone ... I want to spend more money ... you name it, I want to buy it!". That way you'll get through.

You might even have the added thrill of them using "voice recogni-

tion".

That's where they say "Explain in a few words your problem".

Lady if I could explain my problem in a few words, it wouldn't be a problem!

The ‘voice recognition’ works like a charm.

I once said "An internet problem".

The voice said "I am sorry, I could not understand what you said.

Again I said "An internet problem".

The voice repeated "I am sorry. I could not understand what I said".

I screamed "An internet problem".

She came back to say "You wish to be connected to the tourist guide in Kakadu National Park".

Yeah, well done voice recognition.

If you get really agro and hang up ... Remember ... when you start again ... you start from page 1 ... you have to explain your story from the beginning ... because you are now talking to someone, somewhere far far away ... who also has no idea!!

I am firmly convinced that Bin Laden hid inside one of these Telco organisations.

That's why no one could ever find him.

But now ... they have hit the jackpot…they want to ‘commercialise’ANZAC Day. I can see it now ... ‘World Series Wars’ where all the troops will have numbers on their backs and sponsors logos on their uniform.

Tony Greig's voice will announce "Let's 'ave a look at that mortar hit again - and if you ring this special number now, you'll be eligible for a limited edition plaque with the mortar shell mounted on genuine Australian mulga".

Sadly, I can see the day when a nation remembers it's war heroes with a march that detours through a drivethrough McDonald's.

Well, those are just a few examples ... I'm sure there are heaps more.

Let me know and send them in.

Meanwhile ... I want you to walk over to the window ... open it wide ... stick your head out and yell "I'm as mad as hell and I can't take it any more!".

- Mike McColl Jones

Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012 - Page 21

www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

Where To Obtain Your Copy of the Melbourne Observer Every Wednesday - at your local newsagent

AIRPORT WEST, 3042. Airport West Newsagency.

53 McNamara Ave, Airport West. (03) 9338 3362.

AIRPORT WEST, 3042. Airport West Nextra. Shop 73-74, Westfield Shoppingtown, Airport West.

(03) 9330 4207.

ALBERT PARK, 3206. Dundas Place Newsagency.

188A Bridport St, Albert Park. (03) 9690 5348.

ALBURY, 2640. Albury Newsagency.

ALTONA, 3018. Altona Newsagency. 84-86 Pier St, Altona. (03) 9398 2912.

ALTONA EAST, 3025. East Altona Newsagency. 63 The Circle, Altona East. (03) 9391 3316.

ALTONA MEADOWS, 3028. Central Square Newsagency, 1 Central Ave, Altona Ameadows.

(03) 9315 8022.

ALTONA NORTH, 3025. Alrona North Newsagency.

22 Borrack Sq, Altona North. (03) 9391 2291.

ARMADALE, 3143. Highdale Newsagency. Shop 1, 969 High St, Armadale. (03) 9822 7789.

ASCOT VALE, 3032. Ascot Vale Newsagency. 208 Union Rd, Ascot Vale. (03) 9370 6485.

ASCOT VALE, 3032. Ascot Lotto & News. 217 Ascot Vale Rd, Ascot Vale. (03) 9370 8558.

ASHBURTON, 3147. Ashburton Newsagency. 209 High St, Ashburton. (03) 9885 2128.

ASHWOOD, 3147. Ashwood Newsagency. 503 Warrigal Rd, Ashwood. (03) 9885 4662.

ASPENDALE, 3195. Aspendale Newsagency. 129 Station St, Aspendale. (03) 9580 6967.

AUBURN, 3123. See Hawthorn East.

AVONDALE HEIGHTS, 3034. Avondale Heights Newsagency. 5 Military Rd, Avondale Heights.

(03) 9317 8274.

BACCHUS MARSH, 3340. Bacchus Marsh Newsagency. 138 Main St. (03) 5367 2961.

BALACLAVA, 3183. Carlisle Newsagency. 272 Carlisle St, Balaclava. (03) 9593 9111.

BALLAN, 3342. Ballan Newsagency. 133 Ingles St, Ballan. (03) 5368 1115.

BALLARAT, 3350. Bridge Mall Newsagency. 6870 Bridge Mall, Ballarat. (03) 5331 3352.

BALLARAT, 3350. NewsXPress Ballarat. Shop 20, Central Square, Ballarat. (03) 5333 4700.

BALLARAT, 3350. Williams Newsagency. 917 Sturt St, Ballarat. (03) 5332 2369.

BALWYN, 3103. Balwyn Newsagency. 413 Whitehorse Rd, Balwyn. (03) 9836 4206.

BALWYN, 3103. Belmore Newsagency. 338 Belmore Rd, Balwyn. (03) 9857 9729.

BALWYN, 3103. Yooralla Newsagency. 247B Belmore Rd, Balwyn. (03) 9859 8285.

BALWYN NORTH, 3104. Burkemore Newsagency.

1060 Burke Rd, Balwyn North. (03) 9817 3472.

BALWYN NORTH, 3104. Greythorn Newsagency.

272 Doncaster Rd, Balwyn North. (03) 9857 9894.

BALWYN NORTH, 3104. North Balwyn Newsagency.

77 Doncaster Rd, North Balwyn. (03) 9859 1983.

BANNOCKBURN, 3331. Bannockburn Newsagency.

(03) 5281 1625.

BARWON HEADS, 3227. Barwon Heads Newsagency. 43 Hitchcock St, Barwon Heads.

(03) 5254 2260.

BATMAN. Batman Newsagency. (03) 9354 1269.

BAYSWATER, 3153. Bayswater Authorised Newsagency. Shop 21, Bayswater Village. (03) 9729 1773.

BELGRAVE, 3160. Belgrave Newsagency. 1704 Burwood Hwy. (03) 9754 2429.

BELL PARK, 3215. Bell Park Newsagency. 21-23 Milton St, Bell Park. (03) 5278 4032.

BELMONT, 3216. Belmont Newsagency. 132A High St. (03) 5243 1385.

BENNETTSWOOD, 3125. Bennetswood Newsagency. 79 Station St, Bennettswood. (03) 9808 3391.

BENTLEIGH, 3204. Central Bentleigh Newsagency.

395 Centre Rd, Bentleigh. (03) 9557 1453.

BENTLEIGH EAST, 3165. Centrefield Newsagency.

939 Centre Rd, Bentleigh East. (03) 9563 7607.

BENTLEIGH EAST, 3165. Chesterville Newsagency.

299 Chesterville Rd, Bentleigh East. (03) 9570 1983.

BENTLEIGH EAST, 3165. East Bentleigh Tatts & News. (03) 9570 5951.

BERWICK, 3806. Berwick Newsagency. 29-31 High St, Berwick. (03) 9707 1311.

BLACK ROCK, 3193. Black Rock Newsagency. 606 Balcombe Rd. (03) 9589 4266.

BLACKBURN, 3130. Blackburn Newsagency. 116 South Pde, Blackburn. (03) 9878 0101.

BLACKBURN SOUTH, 3130. Blackburn South Newsagency. 108 Canterbury Rd, Blackburn South. (03) 9877 2110.

BORONIA, 3155. Boronia Village Newsagency.

Shop 22A, 163 Boronia Rd, Boronia. (03) 9762 3464.

BOX HILL, 3128. Newsline Newsagency. Shop 70, Box Hill Central. (03) 9890 2217.

BOX HILL, 3128. Whitehorse Plaza Newsagency.

G35, Centro Shopping Plaza, Box Hill. Phone: (03) 9899 0593.

BOX HILL NORTH, 3129. Kerrimuir Newsagency.

515 Middleborough Rd, Box Hill North. (03) 9898 1450.

BOX HILL SOUTH, 3128. Box Hill South Newsagency. 870 Canterbury Rd, Box Hill South.

(03) 9890 6481.

BOX HILL SOUTH, 3128. Wattle Park Newsagency.

164A Elgar Rd, Box Hill South. (03) 9808 1614.

BRIAR HILL, 3088. Briar Hill Newsagency. 111 Mountain View Rd, Briar Hill. (03) 9435 1069.

BRIGHTON, 3186. Gardenvale Newsagency. 168 Martin St, Brighton. (03) 9596 7566.

BRIGHTON EAST, 3187. Highway Newsagency.

765B Hawthorn Rd, Brighton East. (03) 9592 2054.

BRIGHTON EAST, 3187. East Brighton Newsagency.

613 Hampton St, Brighton. (03) 9592 2029.

BRIGHTON NORTH, 3186. North Brighton Authorised Newsagency. 324 Bay St, North Brighton. (03) 9596 4548.

BRUNSWICK, 3056. Lygon Authorised Newsagency. (03) 9387 4929.

BRUNSWICK WEST, 3055. Melville Newsagency.

418 Moreland Rd, West Brunswick. (03) 9386 3300.

BRUNSWICK WEST, 3055. Theresa Newsagency.

34 Grantham St, Brunswick West. (03) 9380 8806.

BULLEEN, 3105. Bulleen Plaza Newsagency. Shop 29, Bulleen Plaza. (03) 9850 5521.

BULLEEN, 3105. Thompsons Road Newsagency.

123A Thompsons Rd, Bulleen. (03) 9850 1882.

BUNDOORA, 3083. Bundoora Centre Newsagency.

Shop 3, 39 Plenty Rd, Bundoora. (03) 9467 1351.

BUNDOORA, 3083. Bundoora Newsagency. 1268 Plenty Rd, Bundoora. (03) 9467 2138.

BUNYIP, 3815. Bunyip Newsagency. (03) 5629 6111.

BURNLEY, 3121. Burnley Newsagency. 375 Burnley St, Burnley. (03) 9428 1669.

BURWOOD EAST, 3151. East Burwood Newsagency. 16 Burwood Hwy, Burwood East.

(03) 9808 7284.

CAMBERWELL, 3124. Burke Road Newsagency.

(03) 9882 3671.

CAMBERWELL, 3124. Burwood Newsagency. 1394 Toorak Rd, Camberwell. (03) 9889 4155.

CAMBERWELL, 3124. Camberwell Centre Newsagency. 628 Burke Rd, Camberwell. (03) 9882 4083.

CAMBERWELL, 3124. Camberwell Market Newsagency. 513 Riversdale Rd, Camberwell.

(03) 9813 3799.

CAMBERWELL, 3124. Zantuck Newsagency. 732 Riversdale Rd, Camberwell. (03) 9836 4953.

CAMBERWELL EAST, 3124. East Camberwell Newsagency. 188 Through Rd, Camberwell. (03) 9836 2495.

CANTERBURY, 3126. Canterbury Newsagency. 104 Maling Rd. (03) 9836 2130.

CARISBROOK, 3464. Carisbrook Newsagency. (03) 5464 2293.

CARLTON, 3053. Lygon Authorised Newsagency.

260 Lygon St, Carlton. (03) 9663 6193.

CARLTON NORTH, 3054. Princes Hill Newsagency.

607 Lygon St, Carlton North. (03) 9380 1419.

CARLTON NORTH, 3054. Rathdowne Newsagency.

410 Rathdowne St, Carlton North. (03) 9347 2630.

CARNEGIE, 3163. Carnegie Newsagency. 58 Koornang Rd, Carnegie. (03) 9568 5256.

CARNEGIE, 3163. Patterson Newsagency. (03) 9557 5794.

CARNEGIE, 3163. Southern Distribution & Delivery Service. 669 North Rd, Carnegie. (03) 9576 7044.

CARRUM, 3197. Carrum Newsagency. 514 Station St, Carrum. (03) 9772 7696.

CARRUM DOWNS, 3198. Bayside Distribution. (03) 9782 6333.

CAULFIELD EAST, 3145. Caulfield Newsagency.

14 Derby Rd, Caulfield East. (03) 9571 6194.

CAULFIELD NORTH, 3161. Junction Newsagency.

69-71 Hawthorn Rd, Caulfield North. (03) 9523 8546.

CAULFIELD SOUTH, 3162. Booran Road Newsagency. 177 Booran Rd, Caulfield South.

(03) 9578 3195.

CAULFIELD SOUTH, 3162. South Caulfield Newsagency. 792 Glenhuntly Rd, Caulfield South.

(03) 9523 8701.

CHADSTONE, 3148. Supanews. Shops A42 and A49, Chadstone. (03) 9569 5858.

CHADSTONE, 3148. Holmesglen Newsagency.

637 Warrigal Rd, Chadstone. (03) 9569 7365.

CHARLTON, 3525. Charltopn Newsagency. (03) 5491 1680.

CHELSEA, 3196. Chelsea Newsagency. 403 Nepean Hwy, Chelsea. (03) 9772 2621.

CHELTENHAM, 3192. Cheltenham Newsagency.

332 Charman Rd, Cheltenham. (03) 9583 3276.

CHELTENHAM, 3192. Southland Newsagency.

Westfield Shoppingtown, Cheltenham. (03) 9584 9433.

CLAYTON, 3168. Clayton Authorised Newsagency.

345 Clayton Rd, Clayton. (03) 9544 1153.

CLIFTON HILL, 3068. Clifton Hill Newsagency. 316 Queens Pde, Clifton Hill. (03) 9489 8725.

COBURG, 3058. Coburg Newsagency, 481-483 Sydney Rd, Coburg. (03) 9354 7525.

COLAC, 3250. Blaines Newsagency, Colac. (03) 5231 4602.

COLDSTREAM, 3770. Coldstream Newsagency.

670 Maroondah Hwy, Coldstream. (03) 9739 1409.

CORIO, 3214. Corio Village Newsagency. Shop 27, Corio Village, Corio. (03) 5275 1666.

COWES, 3922. Cowes Newsagency. 44 Thompson Ave, Cowes. (03) 5952 2046.

CRAIGIEBURN, 3064. Craigieburn Newsagency.

Shop 9 Mall, Craigieburn. (03) 9308 2132.

CRANBOURNE, 3977. Cranbourne Newsagency.

105 High St,Cranbourne. (03) 5996 8866.

CRANBOURNE NORTH, 3977. Thompson Parkway Newsagency. Cnr South Gippsland Hwy, Cranbourne North. (03) 5996 0055.

CROYDON, 3136. Burnt Bridge Newsagency. 434 Maroondah Hwy, Croydon. (03) 9870 6140.

CROYDON, 3136. Croydon Newsagency. 158 Main St, Croydon. (03) 9723 2001.

CROYDON NORTH, 3136. Croydon North Newsagency. 5 Exeter Rd, Croydon North. (03) 9726 6030.

DANDENONG, 3175. Lonsdale Newsagency. 250 Lonsdale St, Dandenong. (03) 9792 1897.

DANDENONG, 3175. Lucky Winners Lotto. 118 Hemmings St, Dandenong. (03) 9792 4628.

DANDENONG, 3175. Doveton News & Lotto. (03) 9792 4937.

DEER PARK, 3023. Deer Park Newsagency. 823 Ballarat Rd, Deer Park.(03) 9363 1175.

DENILIQUIN, 2710. Deniliquin Newsagency and Bookstore. (02) 5881 2080.

DIAMOND CREEK, 3089. Diamond Creek Newsagency. 62A Hurstbridge Rd. (03) 9438 1470.

DINGLEY VILLAGE, 3172. Dingley Newsagency.

79 Centre Dandenong Rd, Dingley Village. (03) 9551 1184.

DONCASTER, 3108. Shoppingtown Newsagency.

Shop 34, 619 Doncaster Rd, Doncaster. (03) 9848 3912.

DONCASTER EAST, 3109. East Doncaster Newsagency. 74 Jackson Ct, Doncaster East. (03) 9848 3174.

DONCASTER EAST, 3109. Tunstall Square Newsagency. Shop 4, Tunstall Square, Doncaster East. (03) 9842 2485.

DONCASTER EAST, 3109. The Pines Newsagency.

Shop 35, 181 Reynolds Rd, Doncaster East. (03) 9842 7944.

DROMANA, 3936. Dromana Newsagency. 177 Nepean Hwy, Dromana. (03) 5987 2338.

DROUIN, 3818. Burrows Newsagency, Drouin. (03) 5625 1614.

DRYSDALE, 3222. Drysdale Newsagency. High St, Drysdale. (03) 5251 2776.

EAGLEMONT, 3084. Eaglemont Lucky Lotto, News & Post. 68 Silverdale Rd. (03) 9499 2589.

EDITHVALE, 3196. Edithvale Newsagency. 253 Nepean Hwy. (03) 9772 1072.

ELSTERNWICK, 3185. Elsternwick Newsagency.

348 Glenhuntly Rd, Elsternwick. (03) 9523 8335.

ELSTERNWICK, 3185. Elsternwick Office Supplies.

433 Glenhuntly Rd, Elsternwick. (03) 9523 6495.

ELSTERNWICK, 3185. Ripponlea Newsagency. 78 Glen Eira Rd, Elsternwick. (03) 9523 5649.

ELTHAM, 3095. Eltham Newsagency & Toyworld.

958 Main Rd. (03) 9439 9162.

ELWOOD, 3184. Elwood Newsagency. 103 Ormond Rd, Elwood. (03) 9531 4223.

EMERALD, 3782. Emerald Newsagency. Main St, Emerald. (03) 5968 5152.

EPPING, 3076. Dalton Village Newsagency. (03) 9408 8877.

ESSENDON, 3040. Essendon Newsagency. 15A Rose St, Essendon. (03) 9337 5908.

ESSENDON, 3040. Roundabout Newsagency. 94 Fletcher St, Essendon. (03) 9370 5305.

ESSENDON NORTH, 3041. North Essendon Newsagency. 1085 Mt Alexander Rd, North Essendon. (03) 9379 2243.

FAIRFIELD, 3078. Fairfield Newsagency. 99 Station St, Fairfield. (03) 9481 3240.

FAWKNER, 3060. Fawkner Newsagency. 54 Bonwick St, Fawkner. (03) 9359 2046.

FAWKNER, 3060. Moomba Park Newsagency. 89 Anderson Rd, Fawkner. (03) 9359 1595.

FERNTREE GULLY, 3156. Ferntree Gully Newsagency. Shop 2, 69 Station St, Ferntree Gully. (03) 9758 1343.

FERNTREE GULLY, 3156. Mountain Gate Newsagency. Shop 9B, Ferntree Gully. (03) 9758 4427.

FERNTREE GULLY UPPER, 3156. Upper Ferntree Gully Newsagency. Shop 3 Ferntree Plaza. (03) 9756 0171.

FITZROY, 3065. Fitzroy Newsagency. 337 Brunswick St, Fitzroy. (03) 9417 3017.

FITZROY NORTH, 3068. North Fitzroy Newsagency.

224 St Georges Rd, Fitzroy North. (03) 9489 8614.

FOOTSCRAY WEST, 3012. Kingsville Newsagency.

339 Somerville Rd, Footscray West. (03) 9314 5004.

FOREST HILL, 3131. Brentford Square Newsagency. 29-31 Brentford Sq., Forest Hill.

(03) 9878 1882.

FOREST HILL, 3131. NewsXPress Forest Hill. Shop 215, Western Entrance, Forest Hill. (03) 9878 2515.

FOUNTAIN GATE, 3805. Fountain Gate Newsagency. Shop 1157 (Level 1), Fountain Gate. (03) 9704 6408.

FRANKSTON, 3199. Beach Street Newsagency.

239 Beach St, Frankston. (03) 9789 9736.

FRANKSTON, 3199. Foote Street Newsagency. c/ - Bayside Distribution Services. (03) 9783 4720.

FRANKSTON, 3199. Frankston Newsagency. 5 Keys St, Frankston. (03) 9783 3253.

FRANKSTON, 3199. Karingal Hub Newsagency. c/ - Bayside Distribution Services. (03) 9776 7744.

FRANKSTON, 3199. Young Street Newsagency. 78 Young St, Frankston. (03) 9783 2467.

GARDENVALE, 3186. See Brighton.

GARFIELD, 3814. Garfield Newsagency Pty Ltd. 77 Main St, Garfield. (03) 5629 2533.

GEELONG, 3220. Geelong Newsagency & Lotto.

139 Moorabool St, Geelong. (03) 5222 1911.

GEELONG EAST, 3219. East Geelong Newsagency.

78A Garden St. (03) 5229 5109.

GEELONG WEST, 3218. Manifold Newsagency.

Shop 2, 132 Shannon Ave, Geelong West. (03) 5229 5897.

GEELONG WEST, 3218. Murphy's Newsagency. PO Box 7133, Geelong West. (03) 5229 1973.

GISBORNE, 3437. Gisborne Newsagency. Shop 20, Village Shopping Centre. (03) 5428 2632.

GLADSTONE PARK, 3043. Gladstone Park Newsagency. Shop 164. (03) 9338 3921.

GLEN HUNTLY, 3163. Glenhuntly Newsagency.

1164 Glenhuntly Rd, Glenhuntly. (03) 9571 2551.

GLEN WAVERLEY, 3150. Glen Waverley News.

Shop L2, 65 Glen S/C, Springvale Rd, Glen Waverley. (03) 9802 8503.

GLEN WAVERLEY, 3150. Kingsway Newsagency.

65 Kingsway, Glen Waverley. (03) 9560 9987.

GLEN WAVERLEY, 3150. Syndal Newsagency. 238 Blackburn Rd, Glen Waverley. (03) 9802 8446.

GLENFERRIE, 3122. See Hawthorn.

GLENROY, 3046. Glenroy Newsagency. 773 Pascoe Vale Rd, Glenroy. (03) 9306 9530.

GRANTVILLE, 3984. Grantville Newsagency. Shop 4, 1509 Bass Hwy, Grantville. (03) 5678 8808.

GREENSBOROUGH, 3088. Greensborough Newsagency. Shop 4-5 Greensborough. (03) 9435 1024.

GREENVALE, 3059. Greenvale Newsagency. Shop 4 & 5, Cnr Mickleham & Greenvale Rds, Greenvale. (03) 9333 3154.

GROVEDALE, 3216. Grovedale Newsagency. 19 Peter St. (03) 5243 1480.

HADFIELD, 3046. Hadfield Newsagency. 120 West St, Hadfield. (03) 9306 5007.

HAMPTON, 3188. Hampton Newsagency. 345-347 Hampton St, Hampton. (03) 9598 1239.

HAMPTON EAST, 3188. Hampton East Newsagency.

412 Bluff Rd, Hampton East.(03) 9555 2821.

HAMPTON PARK, 3976. Hampton Park Newsagency. Shop 3, Park Square, Hampton Park. (03) 9799 1609.

HASTINGS, 3915. Hastings Newsagency. 56 High St. (03) 5979 1321.

HAWTHORN, 3122. Glenferrie Newsagency.669 Burwood Rd, Hawthorn. (03) 9818 2621.

HAWTHORN EAST, 3123. Auburn Newsagency. 119 Auburn Rd, Hawthorn East. (03) 9813 4838.

HAWTHORN EAST, 3123. Auburn South Newsagency. 289 Auburn Rd, Hawthorn East.

(03) 9882 2009.

HAWTHORN WEST, 3122. Hawthorn West Newsagency. 44 Church St, Hawthorn. (03) 9853 6098.

HEALESVILLE, 3777. Healesville Newsagency.

(03) 5962 4161.

HEIDELBERG, 3084. Heidelberg Newsagency. 128 Burgundy St, Heidelberg. (03) 9457 1098.

HEIDELBERG WEST, 3081. Heidelberg Heights Newsagency. 35 Southern Rd, Heidelberg West.

(03) 9457 2063.

HEIDELBERG WEST, 3081. The Mall Newsagency.

Shop 18, Heidelberg West. (03) 9457 4244.

HIGHETT, 3190. Highett Newsagency. 2 Railway Pde, Highett. (03) 9555 1010.

HIGHTON, 3216. Highton Newsagency. 7 Bellevue Ave. (03) 5243 4824, HOPPERS CROSSING, 3030. Hoppers Crossing Newsagency. 31 Old Geelong Rd, Hoppers Crossing. (03) 9749 2652, HUNTINGDALE, 3166. Huntingdale Newsagency.

291 Huntingdale Rd, Huntingdale. (03) 9544 1175.

HURSTBRIDGE, 3099. Hurstbridge Newsagency.

800 Main Rd. (03) 9718 2045.

IVANHOE, 3079. NewsXPress. 194-196 Upper Heidelberg Rd, Ivanhoe. (03) 9499 1231.

IVANHOE EAST, 3079. East Ivanhoe Newsagency.

262 Lower Heidelberg Rd, Ivanhoe East. (03) 9499 1720.

KEILOR, 3036. Centreway Newsagency. 59 Wyong St, Keilor East, 3033. (03) 9336 2451.

KEILOR, 3036. Keilor Newsagency. 700 Calder Hwy, Keilor. (03) 9336 7930.

KEILOR DOWNS, 3038. Keilor Downs Newsagency.

Shop 3, Keilor Downs Plaza, Keilor Downs. (03) 9310 9955.

KEW, 3101. Cotham Newsagency. 97 Cotham Rd, Kew. (03) 9817 3840.

KEW, 3101. Kew Newsagency. 175 High St, Kew. (03) 9853 8238.

KEW NORTH, 3101. North Kew Newsagency. 93 Willsemere Rd, Kew. (03) 9853 9383.

KEYSBOROUGH, 3173. Parkmore Newsagency.

Parkmore Shopping Centre, Kensington. (03) 9798 4311.

KILMORE, 3764. Kilmore Newsagency. 41 Sydney St. (03) 5782 1465.

KILSYTH, 3137. Kilsyth Newsagency. 520 Mt Dandenong Rd. (03) 9725 6218.

KINGSVILLE, 3012. See Footscray West.

KNOX CITY. See Wantirna South KNOXFIELD, 3180. Knoxfield Newsagency. (03) 9764 8260.

KOO-WEE-RUP, 3981. Koo Wee Rup Newsagency.

44-48 Station St, Koo Wee Rup. (03) 5997 1456.

LALOR, 3075. Lalor Newsagency. 364 Station St, Lalor. (03) 9465 2698.

LARA, 3212. Lara Newsagency. 44 The Centreway, Lara. (03) 5282 1419.

L AVERTON, 3028. Laverton Newsagency. 12 Aviation Rd, Laverton. (03) 9369 1426.

LEOPOLD, 3028. Leopold Newsagency. 45 Ash Rd, Leopold. (03) 5250 1687.

LILYDALE, 3140. Lilydale Newsagency. 237 Main St. (03) 9735 1705.

LOWER PLENTY, 3093. Lower Plenty Newsagency.

95 Main Rd. (03) 9435 6423.

LOWER TEMPLESTOWE, 3107. See Templestowe Lower.

MALVERN, 3144. Malvern Newsagency. 114 Glenferrie Rd, Malvern. (03) 9509 8381.

MALVERN, 3144. Malvern Village Newsagency.

1352 Malvern Rd, Malvern. (03) 9822 3761.

MALVERN, 3144. Winterglen Newsagency Malvern Lotto. 167 Glenferrie Rd, Malvern. (03) 9509 9068.

MALVERN EAST, 3145. Central Park Newsagency.

393 Wattletree Rd, Malvern East. (03) 9509 9842.

McCRAE, 3938. McCrae Newsagency, 675 Point Nepean Rd. (03) 5986 8499.

McKINNON, 3204. McKinnon Newsagency. 148 McKinnon Rd, McKinnon. (03) 9578 4478.

MELBOURNE, 3000. Mitty's Newsagency. 53 Bourke St, Melbourne. (03) 9654 5950.

MELTON, 3337. Melton Authorised Newsagency.

383-385 High St, Melton. (03) 9743 5451.

MELTON, 3337. NewsXPress. (03) 9743 5451.

MENTONE, 3194. Mentone Newsagency. 24 Como Pde, Mentone. (03) 9585 3494.

MERLYNSTON, 3058. Merlynston Newsagency. (03) 9354 1532.

MIDDLE BRIGHTON, 3186. Middle Brighton Newsagency. 75-77 Church St, Middle Brighton.

(03) 9592 1000.

MIDDLE PARK, 3206. Middle Park Newsagency.

16 Armstrong St, Middle Park.

MILDURA, 3500. Klemm's Mildura Newsagency.

(03) 5302 1004.

MILL PARK, 3082. Mill Park Authorised Newsagency. Stables Shopping Centre, Cnr Childs Rd & Redleap Ave, Mill Park. (03) 9436 4400.

MITCHAM, 3132. Mitcham Newsagency. 503 Whitehorse Rd, Mitcham. (03) 9873 1108.

MOE, 3825. Yeatman's Newsagency. 3A Moore St, Moe. (03) 5127 1002.

MONT ALBERT., 3127. Mont Albert Newsagency.

42 Hamilton St, Mont Albert. (03) 9890 1140.

MONTMORENCY, 3094. Montmorency Newsagency.

41-43 Were St. (03) 9435 8893.

MONTROSE, 3765. Montrose Newsagency. 912 Mt Dandenong Rd. (03) 9728 2057.

MOONEE PONDS, 3039. Puckle Street Newsagency.

45 Puckle St, Moonee Ponds. (03) 9375 2264.

MORDIALLOC, 3195. Mordialloc Newsagency.

574A Main St, Mordialloc. (03) 9580 5141.

MORDIALLOC, 3195. Warren Village Newsagency.

87 Warren Rd. (03) 9580 3880.

MORELAND, 3056. See Brunswick.

MORNINGTON, 3931. Mornington Newsagency. 97 Main St, Mornington. (03) 5975 2099.

MORNINGTON, 3931. Scribes Newsagency. Shop 1/10, Mornington Village, Mornington. (03) 5975 5849.

If your local newsagency is not listed, and you would like them to stock the Melbourne Observer, please ask them to contact All Day Distribution, phone (03) 9482 1145.

MORWELL, 3840. Morwell Newsagency. 176 Commercial Rd, Morwell. (03) 5134 4133.

MOUNT ELIZA, 3934. Mount Eliza Newsagency.

102 Mount Eliza Way. (03) 5974 2347.

MOUNT MARTHA, 3934. Mount Martha Newsagency. 2 Lochiel Ave, Mount Martha. (03) 5974 2347.

MOUNT WAVERLEY, 3149. Pinewood Newsagency.

Shop 59, Centreway Shopping Centre, Mount Waverley. (03) 9802 7008.

MOUNTAIN GATE, 3156. See Ferntree Gully.

MT EVELYN, 3658. Mt Evelyn Newsagency. 1A Wray Cres. (03) 9736 2302.

MULGRAVE, 3170. Northvale Newsagency. 901 Springvale Rd, Mulgrave. (03) 9546 0200.

MULGRAVE, 3170. Waverley Gardens Newsagency. Shop 44, Waverley Gardens, Mulgrave. (03) 9547 5773.

MURCHISON, 3610. Murchison Newsagency, Murchison. (03) 5826 2152, MURRUMBEENA, 3163. Murrumbeena Newsagency. 456 Nerrim Rd, Murrumbenna. (03) 9568 1959.

NARRE WARREN, 3805. Narre Warren News & Tatts. Shop 1 Webb St, Narre Warren. (03) 9704 6495.

NEWCOMB, 3220. Newcomb Newsagency, Geelong. (03) 5248 5434.

NEWMARKET, 3031. Newmarket Newsagency. 294 Racecourse Rd, Newmarket. (03) 9376 6075.

NEWPORT, 3015. Newport Newsagency. 6 Hall St, Newport. (03) 9391 2548.

NIDDRIE, 3042. Niddrie Newsagency. 455 Keilor Rd, Niddrie. (03) 9379 3840.

NOBLE PARK, 3174. Noble Park Newsagency. 22 Douglas St, Noble Park. (03) 9546 9079.

NOBLE PARK, 3174. Variety Newsagency. 1268 Heatherton Rd, Noble Park. (03) 9546 7916.

NORTH BALWYN, 3104. See Balwyn North.

NORTH MELBOURNE, 3051. See West Melbourne.

NORTH MELBOURNE, 3051. Haines Street Newsagency. 46 Haines St. (03) 9328 1195.

NORTH MELBOURNE, 3051. News On Errol. (03) 9326 3744.

NORTHCOTE, 3070. Croxton Newsagency. 509 High St, Northcote. (03) 9481 3624.

NORTHCOTE, 3070. Northcote Newsagency. 335 High St, Northcote. (03) 9481 3725.

NORTHCOTE, 3070. Northcote Newsplaza. (03) 9481 7130.

NUNAWADING, 3131. Mountainview Newsagency.

293A Springfield Rd, Nunawading. (03) 9878 7887.

NYAH, 3594. Nyah General Store. (03) 5030 2230.

OAK PARK, 3046. Oak Park Newsagency. 120 Snell Grove, Oak Park. (03) 9306 5472.

OAKLEIGH, 3166. Oakleigh Newsagency. Shop 61-63, Oakleigh. (03) 9563 0703.

OAKLEIGH EAST, 3166. Oakleigh East Auth.

Newsagency. 190 Huntingdale Rd, East Oakleigh.

(03) 9544 4322.

OAKLEIGH SOUTH, 3167. Oakleigh South Newsagency. (03) 9570 5833.

OCEAN GROVE, 3226. Ocean Grove Newsagency.

82 The Terrace, Ocean Grove. (03) 5256 1779.

PAKENHAM, 3810. Pakenham Newsagency. 99 Main St, Pakenham. (03) 5941 1243.

PARKDALE, 3195. Parkdale Newsagencxy. 238 Como Pde. (03) 9580 1724.

PASCOE VALE, 3044. Pascoe Vale Central Newsagency. 110 Cumberland Rd, Pascoe Vale.

(03) 9354 8472.

PASCOE VALE, 3044. Coonans Hill News/Tatts/ Post Office. 67 Coonans Rd, Pascoe Vale South.

(03) 9386 7465.

PASCOE VALE SOUTH, 3044. Paper N Post. Pascoe Vale South. (03) 9354 1432.

PEARCEDALE, 3912. Pearcedale Newsagency.

Shop 14, Pearcedale Village Shopping Centre, Pearcedale. (03) 5978 6343.

POINT COOK, 3030. NewsXPress. (03) 9395 0424.

POINT LONSDALE, 3225. Point Lonsdale Newsagency. 99 Point Lonsdale Rd. (03) 5258 1159.

PORT MELBOURNE, 3207. Port Melbourne Distribution. (03) 9681 8122.

PORTARLINGTON, 3223. Portarlington Newsagency. Shop 1, 60 Newcombe St, Portarlington. (03) 5289 2892.

PRAHRAN, 3181. Prahran Market Newsagency.

Shop 3A Pran Central, Prahran. (03) 9521 1200.

PRESTON, 3072. Northland Newsagency. Shop 3, Northland Shopping Centre. (03) 9478 2693.

PRESTON, 3072. Preston Newsagency. 377 High St, Preston. (03) 9478 3001.

PRESTON, 3072. Preston Town Hall Newsagency.

411 High St, Preston. (03) 9470 1630.

PRINCES HILL, 3054. See Carlton North.

QUEENSCLIFF, 3225. Queenscliff Newsagency. (03) 5258 1828.

RESERVOIR, 3073. Reservoir Newsagency. 22 Edwardes St, Reservoir. (03) 9460 6317.

RESERVOIR, 3073. Broadway Newsagency. 279 Broadway, Reservoir. (03) 9460 6510.

RHYLL, 3923. Rhyll Newsagency. 41 Lock Rd, Rhyll.

(03) 5956 9205.

RICHMOND, 3121. Swan Street Newsagency. 108 Swan St, Richmond. (03) 9428 7450.

RICHMOND, 3121. Vernons Newsagency. 308A Bridge Rd, Richmond. (03) 9428 7373.

RINGWOOD EAST, 3135. Ringwood East Newsagency. 52 Railway Ave, Ringwood East.

(03) 9870 6515.

RINGWOOD NORTH, 3134. North Ringwood Newsagency. 182 Warrandyte Rd, North Ringwood. (03) 9876 2765.

ROBINVALE, 3549. Robinvale Newsagency. (03) 5026 3264.

ROCKBANK, 3335. Rockbank Newsagency. (03) 9747 1300.

ROSANNA, 3084. Rosanna Newsagency. 135 Lower Plenty Rd, Rosanna. (03) 9459 7722.

ROSANNA EAST, 3084. Banyule Newsagency. 55 Greville Rd, East Rosanna. (03) 9459 7027.

ROSEBUD, 3939. Rosebud Newsagency. 1083 Nepean Hwy, Rosebud. (03) 5986 8359.

RYE, 3941. Rye Newsagency. 2371 Point Nepean Rd, Rye. (03) 5985 2013.

SANCTUARY LAKES, 3030. Sanctuary Lakes Newsagency. Shop 16, 300 Point Cook Rd. (03) 9395 4055.

SALE, 3850. Sale Newsagency. (03) 5144 2070.

SAN REMO, 3925. San Remo Newsagency. 105 Marine Pde, San Remo. (03) 5678 5447.

SANDRINGHAM, 3191. Sandringham Newsagency.

58-60 Station St, Sandringham. (03) 9598 1246.

SEAFORD, 3198. Carrum Downs Newsagency. (03) 9782 6333.

SEAFORD, 3198. Seaford Newsagency. 124 Nepean Hwy, Seaford. (03) 9786 1220.

SEDDON, 3011. Seddon Newsagency & Lotto. 74 Charles St, Seddon. (03) 9687 1919.

SEVILLE, 3139. Seville Newsagency. 654 Warburton Hwy. (03) 5964 2236.

SHEPPARTON, 3630. Lovell's Newsagency. 246 Wyndham St, Shepparton. (03) 5821 2622.

SOMERVILLE, 3912. Somerville Newsagency.

Shop 24, Plaza, Eramosa Rd West, Somerville.

(03) 5977 5282.

SOUTHBANK, 3006. Melbourne Central Newsagency. 292 City Rd, Southbank. (03) 9690 3900.

SOUTH MELBOURNE, 3205. Clarendon Newsagency. 276 Clarendon St, South Melbourne.

(03) 9690 1350.

SOUTH MELBOURNE, 3205. South Melbourne Newsagency. 358 Clarendon St, South Melbourne.

(03) 9690 7481.

SOUTH MORANG, 3752. South Morang Newsagency. 17-19 Gorge Rd. (03) 9404 1502.

SPRINGVALE, 3171. Springvale Newsagency. 321 Springvale Rd, Springvale. (03) 9546 9235.

ST KILDA, 3182. Esplanade Newsagency. 115 Fitzroy St, St Kilda. (03) 9525 3321.

ST KILDA, 3182. St Kilda Junction Newsagency.

52 St Kilda Rd, St Kilda. (03) 9510 1056.

ST KILDA, 3182. Village Belle Newsagency. 161163 Acland St, St Kilda. (03) 9525 5167.

ST LEONARDS, 3223. St Leonards Newsagency.

Foreshore Rd, St Leonards. (03) 5257 1604.

STRATHMORE, 3041. Napier Street Newsagency.

313 Napier St, Strathmore. (03) 9379 2603.

STRATHMORE, 3041. Strathmore Newsagency. 15 Woodland St, Strathmore. (03) 9379 1515.

SUNBURY, 3429. Sunbury Authorised Newsagency. 14 Brook St, Sunbury. (03) 9744 1220.

SUNSHINE, 3020. Sunshine Newsagency. 3/282 Hampshire Rd, Sunshine. (03) 9312 2654.

SUNSHINE SOUTH, 3020. South Sunshine Newsagency. 22 Tallintyre Rd, Sunshine. (03) 9312 1629.

TAYLORS LAKES, 3038. Watergardens Newsagency. Shop 92, Bay B (Near Safeway), Taylors Lakes. (03) 9449 1122.

TEESDALE, 3328. Teesdale Newsagency. 1071 Bannockburn Rd. (03) 5281 5230.

TEMPLESTOWE, 3106. Templestowe Newsagency.

122 James St, Templestowe. (03) 9846 2486.

TEMPLESTOWE LOWER, 3107. Macedon News & Lotto. 25 Macedon Rd, Lower Templestowe. (03) 9850 2720.

THORNBURY, 3071. Normanby Newsagency. 703 High St, Thornbury. (03) 9484 2802.

THORNBURY, 3071. Rossmoyne Newsagency. 406 Station St,Thornbury. (03) 9484 6967.

TOORADIN, 3980. Tooradin Newsagency. 94 South Gippsland Hwy, Tooradin. (03) 5996 3343.

TOORAK, 3142. Hawksburn Newsagency. 529 Malvern Rd, Toorak. (03) 9827 3569.

TOORAK, 3142. Toorak Village Newsagency. 487 Toorak Rd, Toorak. (03) 9826 1549.

TORQUAY, 3228. Torquay Newsagency. 20 Gilbert St, Torquay. (03) 5261 2448.

TOTTENHAM, 3012. Braybrook Newsagency. 127 South Rd, Tottenham. (03) 9364 8083.

TULLAMARINE, 3045. Tullamarine Newsagency.

199 Melrose Dr, Tullamarine. (03) 9338 1063.

UNDERA, 3629. Undera Newsagency. (03) 5826 0242.

UPWEY, 3158. Upwey Newsagency. 18 Main St, Upwey. (03) 9754 2324.

UPPER FERNTREE GULLY, 3156. Upper Ferntree Gully Newsagency. (03) 9756 0171.

VERMONT, 3133. Vermont Authorised Newsagency. 600 Canterbury Rd, Vermont South.

(03) 9873 1845.

VERMONT SOUTH, 3133. Vermont South Newsagency. 495 Burwood Hwy, Vermont South.

(03) 9802 4768.

WALLAN, 3756. Wallan Newsagency. 59 High St. (03) 5783 1215.

WANDIN NORTH, 3139. Wandin North Newsagency. 18 Union Rd. (03) 5964 3339.

WANTIRNA SOUTH, 3152. Knox City Newsagency.

Shop 2080, Shopping Centre. (03) 9801 5050.

WANTIRNA SOUTH, 3152. Wantirna South Newsagency. 233 Stud Rd.. (03) 9801 2310.

WARRAGUL, 3820. Heeps Newsagency. 6 Victoria St, Warragul. (03) 5623 1737.

WATSONIA, 3087. Watsonia Newsagency. 93 Watsonia Rd, Watsonia. (03) 9435 2175.

WATTLE PARK, 3128. See Box Hill South.

WERRIBEE, 3030. Werribee Newsagency. 16 Station Pl, Werribee. (03) 9741 4644.

WERRIBEE, 3030. Werribee Plaza Newsagency.

Shop 37, Shopping Centre, Werribee Plaza. (03) 9749 6766.

WEST MELBOURNE, 3003. North Melbourne Newsagency. 178-182 Rosslyn St, West Melbourne. (03) 9328 1763.

WESTALL, 3169. Westall Newsagency. 148 Rosebank Ave, Westall. (03) 9546 7867.

WHEELERS HILL, 3150. Brandon Park Newsagency. Shop 28, Wheelers Hill. (03) 9560 5854.

WHEELERS HILL, 3150. Wheelers Hill Newsagency. 200 Jells Rd, Wheelers Hill. (03) 9561 5318.

WHITTLESEA, 3757. Whittlesea Newsagency. 59 Church St. (03) 9716 2060.

WILLIAMSTOWN, 3016. Williamstown News & Lotto. 16 Douglas Pde, Williamstown. (03) 9397 6020.

WINDSOR, 3181. Windsor Newsagency. 71 Chapel St, Windsor. (03) 9510 2030.

WONTHAGGI, 3995. Wonthaggi Newsagency. 27A McBride St, Wonthaggi. (03) 5672 1256.

WOORI YALLOCK. Woori Yallock Newsagency. (03) 5964 6008.

YARRA GLEN, 3775. Yarra Glen Newsagency. (03) 9730 1392.

YARRAVILLE, 3013. Yarraville Newsagency. 59 Anderson St, Yarraville. (03) 9687 2987.

YEA, 3717. Yea Newsagency, 78 High St. (03) 5797 2196.

Page 22 - Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012

■ These days you have to be a certain age to remember the American film star Joe E. Brown.

I guess his most popular screen line was in the 1959 film Some Like It Hot - at the end of the film, Jack Lemmon dressed as a woman in the speedboat removes his wig and says, "I'm a MAN!" Joe E Brown, playing the millionaire trying to woo him, turns to the camera with a smile and delivers the classic line, "Well, nobody's perfect."

Joseph Evans Brown was born in Holgate, Ohio in 1891. He came from a family of seven children.

At the age of nine Joe joined a circus as a tumbler and acrobat in The Five Marvellous Ashtons.

He was in San Francisco during the great earthquake of 1906. Joe became a baseball player for three years before re-joining the circus.

He went into Vaudeville and then performed on Broadway as a comedian. Joe met Kathryn McGraw and they were married in 1915.

He began making films in 1928 and worked for The Warner Brothers Studios.

By 1931 Joe E. Brown was the leading man in many films. One of his favourite film roles was in Elmer The Great where he played a rookie baseball player.

Joe also played that role on stage for many years and in The Lux Radio Theatre.

Whatever Happened To ...

Joe E. Brown

By Kevin Trask of 3AW and 96.5 Inner FM In 1935 he won acclaim for his role in the film adaptation of Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream when he played Flute, the bellows -mender.

His film roles included Fireman Save My Child, Son Of A Sailor, The Circus Clown and Hollywood Canteen.

Kathryn and Joe had two grown-up sons in 1939 when war broke out. Joe testified before the House Immigration Committee to support a bill to allow 20,000 German Jewish refugees into the United States.

Kathryn and Joe adopted two girls from that program. His boys Don and Joe volunteered for service US Army Corps.

In 1942 his son Captain Donald Evan Brown

www.MelbourneObserver.com.au

● Lydia Roberti with Joe E Brown was killed during a routine training flight. After the funeral Joe dedicated himself to entertaining the troops.

He was the first entertainer to go to the South Pacific and Alaska. Wherever the GIs served Joe would go and they all became his sons.

This was a man who hated comedy that insulted other people; he was apparently a very nice and sincere person.

After the war finished the film roles had dried up and Joe E. Brown returned to the stage.

He played ‘Elwood P. Dowd’, in the comedy Harvey.

Elwood talked to his friend who was a giant imaginary rabbit. He won the Tony award on Broadway in 1949 for his performance in Harvey. (James Stewart was cast as Elwood P. Dowd in the film version.)

In 1950 Joe E. Brown was in Melbourne

performing Harvey at the Comedy Theatre - also in the cast were Doreen Wilson and Charles Dorning. (I wish I had seen it.)

He played his most memorable role of ‘Captain Andy’ in the MGM musical film Showboat in 1951.

When I interviewed his co star Kathryn Grayson many years ago she spoke of him with such love.

In 1963 Joe had a cameo role in the Stanley Kramer film It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World.

Joe E. Brown died of a stroke in 1973, in Brentwood, Los Angeles, at the age of 81.

He never used ‘blue material’ and he was loved by his family, public and fellow performers.

His wife Kathryn passed away in 1978. Joe E. Brown always related the comment from a six-year-old child. After seeing one of his comedy films the young boy asked his mother, "Mommy, when Joe E. Brown dies, will he go to Heaven? When the mother confirmed the possibility, the boy marveled, "Golly, Mommy won't God laugh!"

- Kevin Trask The Time Tunnel - with Bruce & Phil Sundays at 8.30pm on 3AW That's Entertainment - 96.5FM Sundays at Noon 96.5FM is streaming on the internet.

To listen, go to www.innerfm.org.au and follow the prompts.

TEARS AS BOJANGLES CLOSES ITS DOORS

■ Another Azaria inquest! When she disappeared about 30 years ago, I couldn't believe some of the nonsense which was being scuttlebutted about.

As though a young mother would casually leave a barbecue, stab her new-born, dispose of the body, then, equally casually, return for a few more snags, defied my imagination.

So I wrote a letter to The Age denouncing what I believed to be a ‘travesty of justice’. Stupidly I included my name and suburb.

"The dingo did it with the scissors!" was one of the many late night nut calls.

I've visited the Rock many times now, and have often seen dingoes wandering about in the Resort. At the ‘Outback Pioneer’ they would often lurk unafraid by the barbecue, awaiting a tendered morsel or two.

And Lindsay Clack, my anthropologist mate who lived in Alice in the 60s, has told me of instances where Aboriginal babies were snatched in a similar manner.

And a few years ago I was at the Rock with my daughter Atheka and her husband Danny, when we noticed a three- quarter grown young dingo with a huge freshly-killed feral cat clamped firmly in its jaws. It was effortlessly loping up a steep sandhill.

The cat was about the size of a new-born baby.

■ And, following the Australian folklore which this event has generated, I was talking with a recently arrived US gentleman who was living and working here.

He told me that he'd been busy learning some Australianisms, which his fellow workers had been teaching him.

"No worries! Fair Dinkum! How am I going? And "The dingo's got my baby!""

Whilst this began with Lindy's heartfelt cry all those years ago, it lives on as strongly as ever.

Kevin Bloody Wilson, in one of his indelicate ditties, warbles "the dingo's got my Esky!"

Now there's a further addition.

Joel Maher and a few of his mates were recently camping near Glen Helen, and whilst sitting around their campfire, a cocky dingo grabbed his bag. They immediately gave chase in their car, following its shining eyes.

In the headlights,they recovered the contents of the bag, which were

The Outback Legend

with Nick Le Souef Lightning Ridge Opals 175 Flinders Lane, Melbourne Phone 9654 4444 www.opals.net.au scattered about in the sand.

However, in the cold hard light of day, the next morning's more thorough investigation revealed one missing item.

"The dingo's got my iPod!" cried Joel.

■ Now that the festive season has all too quickly showed us its heels, it's time for a brief review of the consumption of liquorous beverages in Alice Springs during that brief period.

Over the first 20 days of the silly season, 36 drivers had returned positive readings, the worst being three ladies at.256, .217 and .201. Two gentlemen registered .203 and .202.

All were unlicensed, and most were in unregistered and uninsured vehicles.

No wonder the NT Police continually wring their hands in despair.

■ In the same vein, automobiles, I am occasionally agog at some behaviour.

Two girls, aged 13 and 14, recently broke into a car, parked outside its elderly owner's house in Tennant Creek.

When they discovered the house keys in the car, they proceeded to let themselves into the house.

They stole the owner's wallet and mobile phone, and discovered the keys of the car they had just broken into.

So they left the house, and hopped back into the car and took it for a joyride into the bush.

Of course they then crashed into a tree, left the car and attempted to walk back into town.

However they became lost, so what did they decide to do?

Using the victim's stolen phone, they dialled the "Where are you?" app, calling the police to come and rescue them!

Of course they were promptly arrested. "It sent a shiver down my spine," claimed the arresting officer.

Were they completely stupid, or did they just automatically realize and assume that, for one reason or another, they were immune from prosecution?

Either way, it's a worry.

■ But finally, a post-festive season tragedy - Bo's has closed!

During my 18 years or residence in Alice Springs, Bojangles was an institution. I spent every Friday night in the hallowed hall, with its bush memorabilia festooned all over every wall.

An old Indian motor bike here, a stuffed Wedge-Tail there, some old WWI rifles round the corner. A veritable museum in its own right.

I'd drink with Ozzie and Dingo and ringers and bushies and bikies. And of course many a US citizen from Pine Gap. Not to forget many a scantily clad backpacker! They would be out on a five-day camping tour to the Rock, and to celebrate their return to civilisation Bo's was always the grand finale.

The tour bus driver would always be welcomed with a few complimentary ‘thankyou’ drinks, so he would always herd his charges through the swinging doors.

Chris Vaughan, the owner, had set up a camera connected to a website, so that Beata from Berlin or Sigrid from Stockholm could wave live to their mums back home.

I would always squire Keith and Angie McGowan through the doors indeed they became regulars - to settle down to their culinary delights of emu and damper, bush beef and buffalo, croc and Kangaroo and camel!

Keith wasn't very adventurous, but

● Bojangles, Alice Springs, has closed its doors Angie and I always gobbled them when all the bikies in town would ride down. out to Ross River for a memorial weekThere were a few enclosures dot- end in honour of their mate Fish, who ted about, for Chris's pet pythons and died when he crashed into a camel, bird-eating spiders. One of the snakes the final act of remembrance was for would usually be allowed out for a slither around the bar each Friday the couple of hundred participants to ride their Harleys through Bo's. night.

But now, alas, no more. The end of And Rex would often wander in with Ollie, his 10ft olive python, and a a memorable, tempestuous, and emotame Bearded Dragon, to the delight tional relationship! of the patrons.

- Nick Le Souef And at the end of the ‘Fish Run’, ‘The Outback Legend’

From The Outer

Melbourne

Observer

kojak@ mmnet.com.au

With John Pasquarelli

■ What a year this will be, with elections in PNG, Queensland and the ever-present possibility of a federal election.

Despite the lack of interest by the average Aussie in PNG, that country's future is of great importance to us, being so close and its recent political turmoil could place additional strain on our crumbling borders and as well there is an ominous growing Chinese presence.

The results of the Queensland election could have a big influence on Labor's federal chances which look very shaky indeed as the Rudd - Gillard circus continues.

Gillard is a shocker of a PM with her ability to blatantly deceive as she sees fit and she stitched the gullible Andrew Wilkie up well and truly after having taken on board the new slithering Speaker, Peter Slipper who has become a one-man circus.

The Libs/Nats must share the blame as Slipper was preselected I think, nine times - why?

Tony Abbott holds firm despite his many haters in the media and his best defence is to treat them with the contempt they deserve as most ordinary Australians do.

Abbott PM will have a huge job ahead of him and will need all the help he can get but don't count on Malcolm Turnbull!

- John Pasquarelli: kojak@mmnet.com.au

Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012 - Page 23

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Observer Readers’ Club THe Way We Were

Melbourne Photo Flashback

100 Years Ago The Coburg Leader Friday, February 16, 1912

● Archibald Crofts addressing armed forces servicemen during Crofts Radio Revels at the Princess Theatre, Melbourne, about 1942.

Life’s Lessons

Reader Recipes

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■ As man gets older he suspects that nature is plotting against him for the benefit of doctors.

Birthdays/Celebrations

Word Of The Week

■ Bush poet Jim Brown enjoyed a birthday on Sunday (Feb. 12). Belated greetings Jim. On Monday (feb. 13), we thought of Laura Musial ■ Wednesday, February 15. Many happy returns to Observer reader Pamela Sinnamon of Braybrook. Observer columnist John Pasquarelli is 75 today; he is currently back in Victoria from Townsville, whilst he undergoes some medical treatment - get better soon JP. Happy birthday Michael Sier of Limestone.

Football identity ■ Thursday, February 16. Malcolm Blight is 62. Actress Alyssa-Jane Cook was born in Papua New Guinea in 1967 (45). Happy birthday to athlete Cathy Freeman (39).

■ Friday, February 17. Observer film critic Aaron Rourke celebrates today. Reader Val Wishart blows out the candles today. Lisa Rudd, formerly of Yea, now of Tasmania, has a birthday today. Businessman Mark Carnegie is 50. Camberwell lad Barry Humphries is 78; he was born in Kew. Actress Colette Mann is 62.

Actress Judy Morris is 65.

■ Saturday, February 18. Christian Wagstaff will be friends today as he enjoys his birthday.

Happy birthday Greta Donaldson of South Melbourne! Media man Gavin Wood, who these days lives in Los Angeles, is on our birthday honours list. Former Melbourne Lord Mayor Ivan Deveson is 78. Actor/port Brian Nankervis is 56 (1956). TV man Andrew Daddo was born in Melbourne in 1967 (45).

■ Sunday, February 19. Footballer Peter Hudson (Hawthorn) was born in 1946 (66).

Newsman Jim Waley is 65. Actress Lisa McCune is 41 today.

■ Monday, February 20. Media man Wes Crook has a birthday. Many happy returns to former 3DB presenter Barry Ferber. Happy birthday Don Bowman. Roland Rocchiccioli is 65.

■ Tuesday, February 21. Runner Ron Clarke is 75; he has recently been Mayor of the Gold Coast. TV newsreader Peter Hitcher is 66; he was born in Inglewood, Queensland.

■ Grogram - a coarse fabric of mohair.

Trivia Challenge ■ Australia’s first police force was a band of how many of the most well behaved convicts?

Was it (a) 12, (b) 24, (c) 30?

Answer: (12)A

Your Stars with Christina La Cross Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20) Think optimistically and you'll find things will start to move in the right direction. Be wary of taking on a new commitment if you think it could turn out to be more than you can handle.

Taurus (Apr 21 - May 21) Socially, there appears to be some sort of celebration. Some hectic activity is apparent in your surroundings and you'd be wise not to spread gossip that was not and is not yours to share.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Follow your first impressions as they are likely to be right. Leisure activities could turn out to be more expensive than you thought and you need to be careful not to get roped into paying for others.

Cancer (June 22 - July 23) Foreign people and countries appear to have some special significance. You've been gaining more confidence of late and the knock on effect it has on your day to day life is sure to prove dramatic.

Leo (July 24 - Aug 23) You should be feeling fit and full of ideas and energy. If not, try to push yourself harder today. You're more able than you think and this is a time when the impossible can become possible.

Virgo (Aug 24 - Sept 23) It may be Valentines Day tomorrow but you're already feeling the urge to take on the role of seducer no matter how hard the challenge may prove. Clashes with family have to be avoided today.

Libra (Sept 24 - Oct 23) Get your normal tasks out of the way as quickly as possible and then you will have more time to spend on more interesting activities. A newcomer is apparent who's set to have a dramatic effect.

Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 22) A new subject could fire your imagination and take up a lot of your spare time. Don't let younger faces force you into doing something you'll regret. A day to stand your ground.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 21) Educational projects should prove most successful at this time. You've come on in leaps and bounds this year and there is a far more confident sign emerging before me.

Fun flirtations turn serious.

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Don't let monetary problems cloud what should otherwise be a happy time. Why not think about addressing them and solving them rather than sticking your head in the sand. Opportunities are in abundance today.

Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Try to steer clear of those you know you clash with as many of the signs are feeling more confrontational than usual. A journey could bring you into contact with someone you've long admired from afar.

Pisces (Feb 20 - March 20) A new project could come up against an unexpected setback but don't despair as it will soon be overcome. This is your chance to show how able you are to rise to the challenge, my friend.

● Chocolate Crackles Ingredients 4 cups Rice Bubbles 1 cup icing sugar 1 cup desiccated coconut 250g copha, chopped 3 tbsp cocoa Method In a large bowl, mix the Rice Bubbles, icing sugar, cocoa & coconut.

Slowly melt the copha in a saucepan over a low heat.

Allow to cool slightly.

Add to Rice Bubbles mixture, stirring until well combined.

Spoon mixture into paper patty cases and refrigerate until firm.

Fantastic Facts ■ When a specimen of the platypus was firsy sent to England, it was believed the Australians had played a joke by sewing the bill of a duck onto a rat.

C’mon Aussie C’mon ■ It has been reported that the first European settlers in Australia drank more alcohol per head of population than any other community in the history of mankind.

Believe It Or Not ■ Australia’s ‘dingo fence’ is the longest fence in the world and is about twice as long as the Great Wall of China.

Bumper Sticker ■ You know you’re an Aussie if you know the meaning of ‘girt’

Just A Thought ■ “You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lioved are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love” - Henry Drummond ■ An autobiography is a book that reveals nothing about its writer except his memory.

- Anonymous

I AM A PROFESSIONAL PIANIST ... who plays from the heart Restaurants, Hotels, Aged Care Wherever a pianist is required

Please call Joy 0408 99 0054, or e-mail braileen@optusnet.com.au

Page 24 - Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Around Town Mahlia Barnes performs

Victorian

Whiparound Variety gives another coach

● Mahlia Barnes ■ Mahlia Barnes, eldest daughter of performer Jimmy Barnes, will perform at the QV Centre next week.

Publicist Greta Donalson says that for the past month QV’s Summer Concert Series has seen QV Square transformed into a summertime oasis, complete with soft green grass and super-comfy multicoloured beanbags “This week the Summer Concert Series heads into its final week with a must-see performance by Mahalia.

“Obsessed with soul music since her teens, being the daughter of Australia’s most popular singer presented its own set of problems.

“That’s why I have taken my time,” says Mahalia, now in her early 20s.

“For the past decade she has been singing with the Jimmy Barnes band as a back-up and featured vocalist.

“Then, about eight years ago she started doing her own gigs in soul and jazz clubs around Sydney,” Greta says.

“It took me a while to learn how to do shows by myself,” says Mahalia.“That’s been a really important lesson for me as far as having the freedom to do what I want.”

Mahalia Barnes is performing on Friday, February 24, from 5.30pm to 7.30pm. Nick Barker plays Saturday, February 25, 2pm to 4pm and the Blackeyed Susans play Sunday, February 26, from 2pm to 4pm.

QV Melbourne is on the corner of Swanston and Lonsdale Sts in the city. For more information, call 9207 9200 or visit www.qv.com.au

Next move for Fr Bob Maguire

■ Variety, the Children's Charity, this week presented a Sunshine Coach to the Insight Education Centre for the Blind and Vision Impaired at Berwick.

Insight's mission is to ensure apporximately 1000 Victorian blind and vision impaired children and young people reach their highest level of independence and potential by providing quality education and life management programs.

Insight was established in response to the2009 closure of Vision Australia'a Education Centre (formerly the Royal Victorian Institute for the Blind) in Melbourne.

A reduction in the ability to meet the special education requirements for young people followed the closure.

Closure at Robinvale

Photographers On Film

● The Australian Centre for the Moving Image presents Click! Fashion Photographers on Film. Thursday, March 8 - Thursday, March 15. Full $15, Concession $12, ACMI Members $114 Session Pass: Full $48 Concession $40 ACMI Member $36 ■ Robinvale Senior Citizens fqaces closure, reports the Robinvale Sentinel.

Lack of numbers could force the move. Attendances at the weekly get-togethers has dropped dramatically.

“The Club does have 40 members on their books, but unfortunately many of them avail themselves of the trips away, but do not attend anything else,” the Sentinel says.

● Gabrielle Waters Gabrielle studied a Bachelor of Music degree at the Queensland Conservatorium on bassoon, and spent seven years at the South African ■ Gabrielle Waters has taken Broadcasting Corporation. over as General Manager of the Gabrielle also has had exclassical music radio station, perience in management with 3MBS-FM. Opera Australia, the Aust-

‘Wicked’ in the headlines

New manager at 3MBS-FM

Josh’s big news

● Fr Bob Maguire ■ Father Bob Maguire yesterday (Tues.) revealed the expansion of his humanitarian work thanks to a generous offer by the City of Melbourne and Places Victoria to provide space in the Docklands Hub facility as a temporary base for some of his organisation's administration.

Fr Bob's partner organisations will operate their administration at the Hub bringing together a range of activities under Fr Bob's leadership and guidance.

The Big Umbrella, InterAction and Not My Choice have formed an affiliation with Fr Bob to share resources to help Melbourne's homeless and disadvantaged.

"Retiring from my Parish which I served for almost 40 years has been a very public and difficult time, but through this process I have made some great friends who share a common interest in helping those in need," Fr Bob said.

ralian Opera and ballet Orchestra, and the Western Australia Symphony Orchestra.

● John Frost ■ The stage show Wicked has been in the headlines, mainly because of Bert Newton’s health scare.

Stage Whispers magazine asked producer John Frost about speculation that the show would return to Australia.

Frost replied: “It’s my intention to keep it out of Australia as long as possible, and if the company that goes to Singapore, Korea, then I’d loike to think Taipei and New Zealand, will eventually come back to Australia.

“It will be back some time, but not within the next couple of years.”

Underpaid

● Country singer Josh Aiello has some exciting news. Country Crossroads columnist Rob Foenander has all the details on Page 38.

■ Sebastian Boi, and his Epping business, Promoting U Pty Ltd, has been penalised $78,000 for underpaying four workers almost $11,000.

The Fair Work Ombudsman took the case to the Federal Court in Melbourne.

Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012 - Page 25

Observer Classic Books

er

rv se US N Ob N IO BO CT SE

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Pride and Prejudice CHAPTER 8

At five o’clock the two ladies retired to dress, and at half-past six Elizabeth was summoned to dinner. To the civil inquiries which then poured in, and amongst which she had the pleasure of distinguishing the much superior solicitude of Mr. Bingley’s, she could not make a very favourable answer. Jane was by no means better. The sisters, on hearing this, repeated three or four times how much they were grieved, how shocking it was to have a bad cold, and how excessively they disliked being ill themselves; and then thought no more of the matter: and their indifference towards Jane when not immediately before them restored Elizabeth to the enjoyment of all her former dislike.

Their brother, indeed, was the only one of the party whom she could regard with any complacency. His anxiety for Jane was evident, and his attentions to herself most pleasing, and they prevented her feeling herself so much an intruder as she believed she was considered by the others. She had very little notice from any but him.

Miss Bingley was engrossed by Mr. Darcy, her sister scarcely less so; and as for Mr. Hurst, by whom Elizabeth sat, he was an indolent man, who lived only to eat, drink, and play at cards; who, when he found her to prefer a plain dish to a ragout, had nothing to say to her.

When dinner was over, she returned directly to Jane, and Miss Bingley began abusing her as soon as she was out of the room. Her manners were pronounced to be very bad indeed, a mixture of pride and impertinence; she had no conversation, no style, no beauty. Mrs. Hurst thought the same, and added: “She has nothing, in short, to recommend her, but being an excellent walker. I shall never forget her appearance this morning. She really looked almost wild.”

“She did, indeed, Louisa. I could hardly keep my countenance. Very nonsensical to come at all! Why must SHE be scampering about the country, because her sister had a cold? Her hair, so untidy, so blowsy!”

“Yes, and her petticoat; I hope you saw her petticoat, six inches deep in mud, I am absolutely certain; and the gown which had been let down to hide it not doing its office.”

“Your picture may be very exact, Louisa,” said Bingley; “but this was all lost upon me. I thought Miss Elizabeth Bennet looked remarkably well when she came into the room this morning. Her dirty petticoat quite escaped my notice.”

“YOU observed it, Mr. Darcy, I am sure,” said Miss Bingley; “and I am inclined to think that you would not wish to see YOUR sister make such an exhibition.”

“Certainly not.”

“To walk three miles, or four miles, or five miles, or whatever it is, above her ankles in dirt, and alone, quite alone! What could she mean by it?

It seems to me to show an abominable sort of conceited independence, a most country-town indifference to decorum.”

“It shows an affection for her sister that is very pleasing,” said Bingley.

“I am afraid, Mr. Darcy,” observed Miss Bingley in a half whisper, “that this adventure has rather affected your admiration of her fine eyes.”

“Not at all,” he replied; “they were brightened by the exercise.” A short pause followed this speech, and Mrs. Hurst began again: “I have a excessive regard for Miss Jane Bennet, she is really a very sweet girl, and I wish with all my heart she were well settled. But with such a father and mother, and such low connections, I am afraid there is no chance of it.”

“I think I have heard you say that their uncle is an attorney on Meryton.”

“Yes; and they have another, who lives somewhere near Cheapside.”

“That is capital,” added her sister, and they both laughed heartily.

“If they had uncles enough to fill ALL Cheapside,” cried Bingley, “it would not make them one jot less agreeable.”

“But it must very materially lessen their chance of marrying men of any consideration in the world,” replied Darcy.

To this speech Bingley made no answer; but his sisters gave it their hearty assent, and indulged

● Jane Austen their mirth for some time at the expense of their dear friend’s vulgar relations.

With a renewal of tenderness, however, they returned to her room on leaving the diningparlour, and sat with her till summoned to coffee. She was still very poorly, and Elizabeth would not quit her at all, till late in the evening, when she had the comfort of seeing her sleep, and when it seemed to her rather right than pleasant that she should go downstairs herself. On entering the drawing-room she found the whole party at loo, and was immediately invited to join them; but suspecting them to be playing high she declined it, and making her sister the excuse, said she would amuse herself for the short time she could stay below, with a book. Mr. Hurst looked at her with astonishment.

“Do you prefer reading to cards?” said he; “that is rather singular.”

“Miss Eliza Bennet,” said Miss Bingley, “despises cards. She is a great reader, and has no pleasure in anything else.”

“I deserve neither such praise nor such censure,” cried Elizabeth; “I am NOT a great reader, and I have pleasure in many things.”

“In nursing your sister I am sure you have pleasure,” said Bingley; “and I hope it will be soon increased by seeing her quite well.”

Elizabeth thanked him from her heart, and then walked towards the table where a few books were lying. He immediately offered to fetch her others — all that his library afforded.

“And I wish my collection were larger for your benefit and my own credit; but I am an idle fellow, and though I have not many, I have more than I ever looked into.”

Elizabeth assured him that she could suit herself perfectly with those in the room.

“I am astonished,” said Miss Bingley, “that my father should have left so small a collection of books. What a delightful library you have at Pemberley, Mr. Darcy!”

“It ought to be good,” he replied, “it has been the work of many generations.”

“And then you have added so much to it your-

self, you are always buying books.”

“I cannot comprehend the neglect of a family library in such days as these.”

“Neglect! I am sure you neglect nothing that can add to the beauties of that noble place.

Charles, when you build YOUR house, I wish it may be half as delightful as Pemberley.”

“I wish it may.”

“But I would really advise you to make your purchase in that neighbourhood, and take Pemberley for a kind of model. There is not a finer county in England than Derbyshire.”

“With all my heart; I will buy Pemberley itself if Darcy will sell it.”

“I am talking of possibilities, Charles.”

“Upon my word, Caroline, I should think it more possible to get Pemberley by purchase than by imitation.”

Elizabeth was so much caught with what passed, as to leave her very little attention for her book; and soon laying it wholly aside, she drew near the card-table, and stationed herself between Mr. Bingley and his eldest sister, to observe the game.

“Is Miss Darcy much grown since the spring?” said Miss Bingley; “will she be as tall as I am?”

“I think she will. She is now about Miss Elizabeth Bennet’s height, or rather taller.”

“How I long to see her again! I never met with anybody who delighted me so much. Such a countenance, such manners! And so extremely accomplished for her age! Her performance on the pianoforte is exquisite.”

“It is amazing to me,” said Bingley, “how young ladies can have patience to be so very accomplished as they all are.”

“All young ladies accomplished! My dear Charles, what do you mean?”

“Yes, all of them, I think. They all paint tables, cover screens, and net purses. I scarcely know anyone who cannot do all this, and I am sure I never heard a young lady spoken of for the first time, without being informed that she was very accomplished.”

“Your list of the common extent of accomplish-

ments,” said Darcy, “has too much truth. The word is applied to many a woman who deserves it no otherwise than by netting a purse or covering a screen. But I am very far from agreeing with you in your estimation of ladies in general.

I cannot boast of knowing more than half-adozen, in the whole range of my acquaintance, that are really accomplished.”

“Nor I, I am sure,” said Miss Bingley.

“Then,” observed Elizabeth, “you must comprehend a great deal in your idea of an accomplished woman.”

“Yes, I do comprehend a great deal in it.”

“Oh! certainly,” cried his faithful assistant, “no one can be really esteemed accomplished who does not greatly surpass what is usually met with.

A woman must have a thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing, and the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and expressions, or the word will be but half-deserved.”

“All this she must possess,” added Darcy, “and to all this she must yet add something more substantial, in the improvement of her mind by extensive reading.”

“I am no longer surprised at your knowing ONLY six accomplished women. I rather wonder now at your knowing ANY.” “Are you so severe upon your own sex as to doubt the possibility of all this?”

“I never saw such a woman. I never saw such capacity, and taste, and application, and elegance, as you describe united.”

Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley both cried out against the injustice of her implied doubt, and were both protesting that they knew many women who answered this description, when Mr. Hurst called them to order, with bitter complaints of their inattention to what was going forward. As all conversation was thereby at an end, Elizabeth soon afterwards left the room.

“Elizabeth Bennet,” said Miss Bingley, when the door was closed on her, “is one of those young ladies who seek to recommend themselves to the other sex by undervaluing their own; and with many men, I dare say, it succeeds.

But, in my opinion, it is a paltry device, a very mean art.”

“Undoubtedly,” replied Darcy, to whom this remark was chiefly addressed, “there is a meanness in ALL the arts which ladies sometimes condescend to employ for captivation. Whatever bears affinity to cunning is despicable.”

Miss Bingley was not so entirely satisfied with this reply as to continue the subject.

Elizabeth joined them again only to say that her sister was worse, and that she could not leave her. Bingley urged Mr. Jones being sent for immediately; while his sisters, convinced that no country advice could be of any service, recommended an express to town for one of the most eminent physicians. This she would not hear of; but she was not so unwilling to comply with their brother’s proposal; and it was settled that Mr. Jones should be sent for early in the morning, if Miss Bennet were not decidedly better. Bingley was quite uncomfortable; his sisters declared that they were miserable. They solaced their wretchedness, however, by duets after supper, while he could find no better relief to his feelings than by giving his housekeeper directions that every attention might be paid to the sick lady and her sister.

CHAPTER 9 Elizabeth passed the chief of the night in her sister’s room, and in the morning had the pleasure of being able to send a tolerable answer to the inquiries which she very early received from Mr. Bingley by a housemaid, and some time afterwards from the two elegant ladies who waited on his sisters. In spite of this amendment, however, she requested to have a note sent to Longbourn, desiring her mother to visit Jane, and form her own judgement of her situation. The note was immediately dispatched, and its contents as quickly complied with. Mrs. Bennet, accompanied by her two youngest girls, reached Netherfield soon after the family breakfast.

Continued on Page 26

Page 26 - Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012

From Page 25 Had she found Jane in any apparent danger, Mrs. Bennet would have been very miserable; but being satisfied on seeing her that her illness was not alarming, she had no wish of her recovering immediately, as her restoration to health would probably remove her from Netherfield.

She would not listen, therefore, to her daughter’s proposal of being carried home; neither did the apothecary, who arrived about the same time, think it at all advisable. After sitting a little while with Jane, on Miss Bingley’s appearance and invitation, the mother and three daughter all attended her into the breakfast parlour. Bingley met them with hopes that Mrs. Bennet had not found Miss Bennet worse than she expected.

“Indeed I have, sir,” was her answer. “She is a great deal too ill to be moved. Mr. Jones says we must not think of moving her. We must trespass a little longer on your kindness.”

“Removed!” cried Bingley. “It must not be thought of. My sister, I am sure, will not hear of her removal.”

“You may depend upon it, Madam,” said Miss Bingley, with cold civility, “that Miss Bennet will receive every possible attention while she remains with us.”

Mrs. Bennet was profuse in her acknowledgments.

“I am sure,” she added, “if it was not for such good friends I do not know what would become of her, for she is very ill indeed, and suffers a vast deal, though with the greatest patience in the world, which is always the way with her, for she has, without exception, the sweetest temper I have ever met with. I often tell my other girls they are nothing to HER. You have a sweet room here, Mr. Bingley, and a charming prospect over the gravel walk. I do not know a place in the country that is equal to Netherfield. You will not think of quitting it in a hurry, I hope, though you have but a short lease.”

“Whatever I do is done in a hurry,” replied he; “and therefore if I should resolve to quit Netherfield, I should probably be off in five minutes. At present, however, I consider myself as quite fixed here.”

“That is exactly what I should have supposed of you,” said Elizabeth.

“You begin to comprehend me, do you?” cried he, turning towards her.

“Oh! yes — I understand you perfectly.”

“I wish I might take this for a compliment; but to be so easily seen through I am afraid is pitiful.”

“That is as it happens. It does not follow that a deep, intricate character is more or less estimable than such a one as yours.”

“Lizzy,” cried her mother, “remember where you are, and do not run on in the wild manner that you are suffered to do at home.”

“I did not know before,” continued Bingley immediately, “that your were a studier of character. It must be an amusing study.”

“Yes, but intricate characters are the MOST amusing. They have at least that advantage.”

“The country,” said Darcy, “can in general supply but a few subjects for such a study. In a country neighbourhood you move in a very confined and unvarying society.”

“But people themselves alter so much, that there is something new to be observed in them for ever.”

“Yes, indeed,” cried Mrs. Bennet, offended by his manner of mentioning a country neighbourhood. “I assure you there is quite as much of THAT going on in the country as in town.”

Everybody was surprised, and Darcy, after looking at her for a moment, turned silently away.

Mrs. Bennet, who fancied she had gained a complete victory over him, continued her triumph.

“I cannot see that London has any great advantage over the country, for my part, except the shops and public places. The country is a vast deal pleasanter, is it not, Mr. Bingley?”

“When I am in the country,” he replied, “I never wish to leave it; and when I am in town it is pretty much the same. They have each their advantages, and I can be equally happy in either.”

“Aye — that is because you have the right disposition. But that gentleman,” looking at Darcy, “seemed to think the country was nothing at all.”

“Indeed, Mamma, you are mistaken,” said Elizabeth, blushing for her mother. “You quite mistook Mr. Darcy. He only meant that there was not such a variety of people to be met with in the country as in the town, which you must acknowledge to be true.”

“Certainly, my dear, nobody said there were

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Observer Classic Books ; but as to not meeting with many people in this neighbourhood, I believe there are few neighbourhoods larger. I know we dine with fourand-twenty families.”

Nothing but concern for Elizabeth could enable Bingley to keep his countenance. His sister was less delicate, and directed her eyes towards Mr. Darcy with a very expressive smile. Elizabeth, for the sake of saying something that might turn her mother’s thoughts, now asked her if Charlotte Lucas had been at Longbourn since HER coming away.

“Yes, she called yesterday with her father. What an agreeable man Sir William is, Mr. Bingley, is not he? So much the man of fashion! So genteel and easy! He had always something to say to everybody. THAT is my idea of good breeding; and those persons who fancy themselves very important, and never open their mouths, quite mistake the matter.”

“Did Charlotte dine with you?”

“No, she would go home. I fancy she was wanted about the mince-pies. For my part, Mr. Bingley, I always keep servants that can do their own work; MY daughters are brought up very differently. But everybody is to judge for themselves, and the Lucases are a very good sort of girls, I assure you. It is a pity they are not handsome!

Not that I think Charlotte so VERY plain — but then she is our particular friend.”

“She seems a very pleasant young woman.”

“Oh! dear, yes; but you must own she is very plain. Lady Lucas herself has often said so, and envied me Jane’s beauty. I do not like to boast of my own child, but to be sure, Jane — one does not often see anybody better looking. It is what everybody says. I do not trust my own partiality.

When she was only fifteen, there was a man at my brother Gardiner’s in town so much in love with her that my sister-in-law was sure he would make her an offer before we came away. But, however, he did not. Perhaps he thought her too young. However, he wrote some verses on her, and very pretty they were.”

“And so ended his affection,” said Elizabeth impatiently. “There has been many a one, I fancy, overcome in the same way. I wonder who first discovered the efficacy of poetry in driving away love!”

“I have been used to consider poetry as the FOOD of love,” said Darcy.

“Of a fine, stout, healthy love it may. Everything nourishes what is strong already. But if it be only a slight, thin sort of inclination, I am convinced that one good sonnet will starve it entirely away.”

Darcy only smiled; and the general pause which ensued made Elizabeth tremble lest her mother should be exposing herself again. She longed to speak, but could think of nothing to say; and after a short silence Mrs. Bennet began repeating her thanks to Mr. Bingley for his kindness to Jane, with an apology for troubling him also with Lizzy. Mr. Bingley was unaffectedly civil in his answer, and forced his younger sister to be civil also, and say what the occasion required. She performed her part indeed without much graciousness, but Mrs. Bennet was satisfied, and soon afterwards ordered her carriage. Upon this signal, the youngest of her daughters put herself forward. The two girls had been whispering to each other during the whole visit, and the result of it was, that the youngest should tax Mr. Bingley with having promised on his first coming into the country to give a ball at Netherfield.

Lydia was a stout, well-grown girl of fifteen, with a fine complexion and good-humoured countenance; a favourite with her mother, whose affection had brought her into public at an early age. She had high animal spirits, and a sort of natural self-consequence, which the attention of the officers, to whom her uncle’s good dinners, and her own easy manners recommended her, had increased into assurance. She was very equal, therefore, to address Mr. Bingley on the subject of the ball, and abruptly reminded him of his promise; adding, that it would be the most shameful thing in the world if he did not keep it.

His answer to this sudden attack was delightful to their mother’s ear: “I am perfectly ready, I assure you, to keep my engagement; and when your sister is recovered, you shall, if you please, name the very day of the ball. But you would not wish to be dancing when she is ill.”

Lydia declared herself satisfied. “Oh! yes — it would be much better to wait till Jane was well, and by that time most likely Captain Carter would be at Meryton again. And when you have given YOUR ball,” she added, “I shall insist on

their giving one also. I shall tell Colonel Forster it will be quite a shame if he does not.”

Mrs. Bennet and her daughters then departed, and Elizabeth returned instantly to Jane, leaving her own and her relations’ behaviour to the remarks of the two ladies and Mr. Darcy; the latter of whom, however, could not be prevailed on to join in their censure of HER, in spite of all Miss Bingley’s witticisms on FINE EYES.

CHAPTER 10 The day passed much as the day before had done. Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley had spent some hours of the morning with the invalid, who continued, though slowly, to mend; and in the evening Elizabeth joined their party in the drawing-room. The loo-table, however, did not appear. Mr. Darcy was writing, and Miss Bingley, seated near him, was watching the progress of his letter and repeatedly calling off his attention by messages to his sister. Mr. Hurst and Mr. Bingley were at piquet, and Mrs. Hurst was observing their game.

Elizabeth took up some needlework, and was sufficiently amused in attending to what passed between Darcy and his companion. The perpetual commendations of the lady, either on his handwriting, or on the evenness of his lines, or on the length of his letter, with the perfect unconcern with which her praises were received, formed a curious dialogue, and was exactly in union with her opinion of each.

“How delighted Miss Darcy will be to receive such a letter!”

He made no answer.

“You write uncommonly fast.”

“You are mistaken. I write rather slowly.”

“How many letters you must have occasion to write in the course of a year! Letters of business, too! How odious I should think them!”

“It is fortunate, then, that they fall to my lot instead of yours.”

“Pray tell your sister that I long to see her.”

“I have already told her so once, by your desire.”

“I am afraid you do not like your pen. Let me mend it for you. I mend pens remarkably well.”

“Thank you — but I always mend my own.”

“How can you contrive to write so even?”

He was silent.

“Tell your sister I am delighted to hear of her improvement on the harp; and pray let her know that I am quite in raptures with her beautiful little design for a table, and I think it infinitely superior to Miss Grantley’s.”

“Will you give me leave to defer your raptures till I write again? At present I have not room to do them justice.”

“Oh! it is of no consequence. I shall see her in January. But do you always write such charming long letters to her, Mr. Darcy?”

“They are generally long; but whether always charming it is not for me to determine.”

“It is a rule with me, that a person who can write a long letter with ease, cannot write ill.”

“That will not do for a compliment to Darcy, Caroline,” cried her brother, “because he does NOT write with ease. He studies too much for words of four syllables. Do not you, Darcy?”

“My style of writing is very different from yours.”

“Oh!” cried Miss Bingley, “Charles writes in the most careless way imaginable. He leaves out half his words, and blots the rest.”

“My ideas flow so rapidly that I have not time to express them — by which means my letters sometimes convey no ideas at all to my correspondents.”

“Your humility, Mr. Bingley,” said Elizabeth, “must disarm reproof.”

“Nothing is more deceitful,” said Darcy, “than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast.”

“And which of the two do you call MY little recent piece of modesty?”

“The indirect boast; for you are really proud of your defects in writing, because you consider them as proceeding from a rapidity of thought and carelessness of execution, which, if not estimable, you think at least highly interesting. The power of doing anything with quickness is always prized much by the possessor, and often without any attention to the imperfection of the performance. When you told Mrs. Bennet this morning that if you ever resolved upon quitting Netherfield you should be gone in five minutes, you meant it to be a sort of panegyric, of compliment to yourself — and yet what is there so very laudable in a precipitance which must leave

necessary business undone, and can be of no real advantage to yourself or anyone else?”

“Nay,” cried Bingley, “this is too much, to remember at night all the foolish things that were said in the morning. And yet, upon my honour, I believe what I said of myself to be true, and I believe it at this moment. At least, therefore, I did not assume the character of needless precipitance merely to show off before the ladies.”

“I dare say you believed it; but I am by no means convinced that you would be gone with such celerity. Your conduct would be quite as dependent on chance as that of any man I know; and if, as you were mounting your horse, a friend were to say, ‘Bingley, you had better stay till next week,’ you would probably do it, you would probably not go — and at another word, might stay a month.”

“You have only proved by this,” cried Elizabeth, “that Mr. Bingley did not do justice to his own disposition. You have shown him off now much more than he did himself.”

“I am exceedingly gratified,” said Bingley, “by your converting what my friend says into a compliment on the sweetness of my temper. But I am afraid you are giving it a turn which that gentleman did by no means intend; for he would certainly think better of me, if under such a circumstance I were to give a flat denial, and ride off as fast as I could.”

“Would Mr. Darcy then consider the rashness of your original intentions as atoned for by your obstinacy in adhering to it?”

“Upon my word, I cannot exactly explain the matter; Darcy must speak for himself.”

“You expect me to account for opinions which you choose to call mine, but which I have never acknowledged. Allowing the case, however, to stand according to your representation, you must remember, Miss Bennet, that the friend who is supposed to desire his return to the house, and the delay of his plan, has merely desired it, asked it without offering one argument in favour of its propriety.”

“To yield readily — easily — to the PERSUASION of a friend is no merit with you.”

“To yield without conviction is no compliment to the understanding of either.”

“You appear to me, Mr. Darcy, to allow nothing for the influence of friendship and affection. A regard for the requester would often make one readily yield to a request, without waiting for arguments to reason one into it. I am not particularly speaking of such a case as you have supposed about Mr. Bingley. We may as well wait, perhaps, till the circumstance occurs before we discuss the discretion of his behaviour thereupon. But in general and ordinary cases between friend and friend, where one of them is desired by the other to change a resolution of no very great moment, should you think ill of that person for complying with the desire, without waiting to be argued into it?”

“Will it not be advisable, before we proceed on this subject, to arrange with rather more precision the degree of importance which is to appertain to this request, as well as the degree of intimacy subsisting between the parties?”

“By all means,” cried Bingley; “let us hear all the particulars, not forgetting their comparative height and size; for that will have more weight in the argument, Miss Bennet, than you may be aware of. I assure you, that if Darcy were not such a great tall fellow, in comparison with myself, I should not pay him half so much deference. I declare I do not know a more awful object than Darcy, on particular occasions, and in particular places; at his own house especially, and of a Sunday evening, when he has nothing to do.”

Mr. Darcy smiled; but Elizabeth thought she could perceive that he was rather offended, and therefore checked her laugh. Miss Bingley warmly resented the indignity he had received, in an expostulation with her brother for talking such nonsense.

“I see your design, Bingley,” said his friend.

“You dislike an argument, and want to silence this.”

“Perhaps I do. Arguments are too much like disputes. If you and Miss Bennet will defer yours till I am out of the room, I shall be very thankful; and then you may say whatever you like of me.”

“What you ask,” said Elizabeth, “is no sacrifice on my side; and Mr. Darcy had much better finish his letter.”

Mr. Darcy took her advice, and did finish his letter.

When that business was over, he applied to Miss - Continued on Page 35

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From Page 26 Bingley and Elizabeth for an indulgence of some music. Miss Bingley moved with some alacrity to the pianoforte; and, after a polite request that Elizabeth would lead the way which the other as politely and more earnestly negatived, she seated herself.

Mrs. Hurst sang with her sister, and while they were thus employed, Elizabeth could not help observing, as she turned over some music-books that lay on the instrument, how frequently Mr. Darcy’s eyes were fixed on her. She hardly knew how to suppose that she could be an object of admiration to so great a man; and yet that he should look at her because he disliked her, was still more strange. She could only imagine, however, at last that she drew his notice because there was something more wrong and reprehensible, according to his ideas of right, than in any other person present. The supposition did not pain her. She liked him too little to care for his approbation.

After playing some Italian songs, Miss Bingley varied the charm by a lively Scotch air; and soon afterwards Mr. Darcy, drawing near Elizabeth, said to her: “Do not you feel a great inclination, Miss Bennet, to seize such an opportunity of dancing a reel?”

She smiled, but made no answer. He repeated the question, with some surprise at her silence.

“Oh!” said she, “I heard you before, but I could not immediately determine what to say in reply.

You wanted me, I know, to say ‘Yes,’ that you might have the pleasure of despising my taste; but I always delight in overthrowing those kind of schemes, and cheating a person of their premeditated contempt. I have, therefore, made up my mind to tell you, that I do not want to dance a reel at all — and now despise me if you dare.”

“Indeed I do not dare.”

Elizabeth, having rather expected to affront him, was amazed at his gallantry; but there was a mixture of sweetness and archness in her manner which made it difficult for her to affront anybody; and Darcy had never been so bewitched by any woman as he was by her. He really believed, that were it not for the inferiority of her connections, he should be in some danger.

Miss Bingley saw, or suspected enough to be jealous; and her great anxiety for the recovery of her dear friend Jane received some assistance from her desire of getting rid of Elizabeth.

She often tried to provoke Darcy into disliking her guest, by talking of their supposed marriage, and planning his happiness in such an alliance.

“I hope,” said she, as they were walking together in the shrubbery the next day, “you will give your mother-in-law a few hints, when this desirable event takes place, as to the advantage of holding her tongue; and if you can compass it, do sure the younger girls of running after officers. And, if I may mention so delicate a subject, endeavour to check that little something, bordering on conceit and impertinence, which your lady possesses.”

“Have you anything else to propose for my domestic felicity?”

“Oh! yes. Do let the portraits of your uncle and aunt Phillips be placed in the gallery at Pemberley. Put them next to your great-uncle the judge. They are in the same profession, you know, only in different lines. As for your Elizabeth’s picture, you must not have it taken, for what painter could do justice to those beautiful eyes?”

“It would not be easy, indeed, to catch their expression, but their colour and shape, and the eyelashes, so remarkably fine, might be copied.”

At that moment they were met from another walk by Mrs. Hurst and Elizabeth herself.

“I did not know that you intended to walk,” said Miss Bingley, in some confusion, lest they had been overheard.

“You used us abominably ill,” answered Mrs. Hurst, “running away without telling us that you were coming out.”

Then taking the disengaged arm of Mr. Darcy, she left Elizabeth to walk by herself. The path just admitted three. Mr. Darcy felt their rudeness, and immediately said: “This walk is not wide enough for our party. We had better go into the avenue.”

But Elizabeth, who had not the least inclination to remain with them, laughingly answered: “No, no; stay where you are. You are charmingly grouped, and appear to uncommon advantage. The picturesque would be spoilt by admitting a fourth. Good-bye.”

She then ran gaily off, rejoicing as she rambled

Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012 - Page 35

Observer Classic Books about, in the hope of being at home again in a day or two. Jane was already so much recovered as to intend leaving her room for a couple of hours that evening.

CHAPTER 11 When the ladies removed after dinner, Elizabeth ran up to her sister, and seeing her well guarded from cold, attended her into the drawing-room, where she was welcomed by her two friends with many professions of pleasure; and Elizabeth had never seen them so agreeable as they were during the hour which passed before the gentlemen appeared. Their powers of conversation were considerable. They could describe an entertainment with accuracy, relate an anecdote with humour, and laugh at their acquaintance with spirit.

But when the gentlemen entered, Jane was no longer the first object; Miss Bingley’s eyes were instantly turned toward Darcy, and she had something to say to him before he had advanced many steps. He addressed himself to Miss Bennet, with a polite congratulation; Mr. Hurst also made her a slight bow, and said he was “very glad;” but diffuseness and warmth remained for Bingley’s salutation. He was full of joy and attention. The first half-hour was spent in piling up the fire, lest she should suffer from the change of room; and she removed at his desire to the other side of the fireplace, that she might be further from the door. He then sat down by her, and talked scarcely to anyone else. Elizabeth, at work in the opposite corner, saw it all with great delight.

When tea was over, Mr. Hurst reminded his sister-in-law of the card-table — but in vain. She had obtained private intelligence that Mr. Darcy did not wish for cards; and Mr. Hurst soon found even his open petition rejected. She assured him that no one intended to play, and the silence of the whole party on the subject seemed to justify her. Mr. Hurst had therefore nothing to do, but to stretch himself on one of the sofas and go to sleep. Darcy took up a book; Miss Bingley did the same; and Mrs. Hurst, principally occupied in playing with her bracelets and rings, joined now and then in her brother’s conversation with Miss Bennet.

Miss Bingley’s attention was quite as much engaged in watching Mr. Darcy’s progress through HIS book, as in reading her own; and she was perpetually either making some inquiry, or looking at his page. She could not win him, however, to any conversation; he merely answered her question, and read on. At length, quite exhausted by the attempt to be amused with her own book, which she had only chosen because it was the second volume of his, she gave a great yawn and said, “How pleasant it is to spend an evening in this way! I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading! How much sooner one tires of anything than of a book! When I have a house of my own, I shall be miserable if I have not an excellent library.”

No one made any reply. She then yawned again, threw aside her book, and cast her eyes round the room in quest for some amusement; when hearing her brother mentioning a ball to Miss Bennet, she turned suddenly towards him and said: “By the bye, Charles, are you really serious in meditating a dance at Netherfield? I would advise you, before you determine on it, to consult the wishes of the present party; I am much mistaken if there are not some among us to whom a ball would be rather a punishment than a pleasure.”

“If you mean Darcy,” cried her brother, “he may go to bed, if he chooses, before it begins — but as for the ball, it is quite a settled thing; and as soon as Nicholls has made white soup enough, I shall send round my cards.”

“I should like balls infinitely better,” she replied, “if they were carried on in a different manner; but there is something insufferably tedious in the usual process of such a meeting. It would surely be much more rational if conversation instead of dancing were made the order of the day.”

“Much more rational, my dear Caroline, I dare say, but it would not be near so much like a ball.”

Miss Bingley made no answer, and soon afterwards she got up and walked about the room.

Her figure was elegant, and she walked well; but Darcy, at whom it was all aimed, was still inflexibly studious. In the desperation of her feelings, she resolved on one effort more, and, turning to Elizabeth, said:

“Miss Eliza Bennet, let me persuade you to follow my example, and take a turn about the room.

I assure you it is very refreshing after sitting so long in one attitude.”

Elizabeth was surprised, but agreed to it immediately. Miss Bingley succeeded no less in the real object of her civility; Mr. Darcy looked up.

He was as much awake to the novelty of attention in that quarter as Elizabeth herself could be, and unconsciously closed his book. He was directly invited to join their party, but he declined it, observing that he could imagine but two motives for their choosing to walk up and down the room together, with either of which motives his joining them would interfere. “What could he mean? She was dying to know what could be his meaning?”— and asked Elizabeth whether she could at all understand him?

“Not at all,” was her answer; “but depend upon it, he means to be severe on us, and our surest way of disappointing him will be to ask nothing about it.”

Miss Bingley, however, was incapable of disappointing Mr. Darcy in anything, and persevered therefore in requiring an explanation of his two motives.

“I have not the smallest objection to explaining them,” said he, as soon as she allowed him to speak. “You either choose this method of passing the evening because you are in each other’s confidence, and have secret affairs to discuss, or because you are conscious that your figures appear to the greatest advantage in walking; if the first, I would be completely in your way, and if the second, I can admire you much better as I sit by the fire.”

“Oh! shocking!” cried Miss Bingley. “I never heard anything so abominable. How shall we punish him for such a speech?”

“Nothing so easy, if you have but the inclination,” said Elizabeth. “We can all plague and punish one another. Tease him — laugh at him.

Intimate as you are, you must know how it is to be done.”

“But upon my honour, I do NOT. I do assure you that my intimacy has not yet taught me THAT. Tease calmness of manner and presence of mind! No, no — feel he may defy us there. And as to laughter, we will not expose ourselves, if you please, by attempting to laugh without a subject. Mr. Darcy may hug himself.”

“Mr. Darcy is not to be laughed at!” cried Elizabeth. “That is an uncommon advantage, and uncommon I hope it will continue, for it would be a great loss to ME to have many such acquaintances. I dearly love a laugh.”

“Miss Bingley,” said he, “has given me more credit than can be. The wisest and the best of men — nay, the wisest and best of their actions — may be rendered ridiculous by a person whose first object in life is a joke.”

“Certainly,” replied Elizabeth —”there are such people, but I hope I am not one of THEM. I hope I never ridicule what is wise and good.

Follies and nonsense, whims and inconsistencies, DO divert me, I own, and I laugh at them whenever I can. But these, I suppose, are precisely what you are without.”

“Perhaps that is not possible for anyone. But it has been the study of my life to avoid those weaknesses which often expose a strong understanding to ridicule.”

“Such as vanity and pride.”

“Yes, vanity is a weakness indeed. But pride — where there is a real superiority of mind, pride will be always under good regulation.”

Elizabeth turned away to hide a smile.

“Your examination of Mr. Darcy is over, I presume,” said Miss Bingley; “and pray what is the result?”

“I am perfectly convinced by it that Mr. Darcy has no defect. He owns it himself without disguise.”

“No,” said Darcy, “I have made no such pretension. I have faults enough, but they are not, I hope, of understanding. My temper I dare not vouch for. It is, I believe, too little yielding — certainly too little for the convenience of the world. I cannot forget the follies and vices of other so soon as I ought, nor their offenses against myself. My feelings are not puffed about with every attempt to move them. My temper would perhaps be called resentful. My good opinion once lost, is lost forever.”

“THAT is a failing indeed!” cried Elizabeth.

“Implacable resentment IS a shade in a character. But you have chosen your fault well. I really cannot LAUGH at it. You are safe from me.”

“There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil — a natural de-

fect, which not even the best education can overcome.”

“And YOUR defect is to hate everybody.”

“And yours,” he replied with a smile, “is willfully to misunderstand them.”

“Do let us have a little music,” cried Miss Bingley, tired of a conversation in which she had no share. “Louisa, you will not mind my waking Mr. Hurst?”

Her sister had not the smallest objection, and the pianoforte was opened; and Darcy, after a few moments’ recollection, was not sorry for it.

He began to feel the danger of paying Elizabeth too much attention.

CHAPTER 12

In consequence of an agreement between the sisters, Elizabeth wrote the next morning to their mother, to beg that the carriage might be sent for them in the course of the day. But Mrs. Bennet, who had calculated on her daughters remaining at Netherfield till the following Tuesday, which would exactly finish Jane’s week, could not bring herself to receive them with pleasure before. Her answer, therefore, was not propitious, at least not to Elizabeth’s wishes, for she was impatient to get home. Mrs. Bennet sent them word that they could not possibly have the carriage before Tuesday; and in her postscript it was added, that if Mr. Bingley and his sister pressed them to stay longer, she could spare them very well. Against staying longer, however, Elizabeth was positively resolved — nor did she much expect it would be asked; and fearful, on the contrary, as being considered as intruding themselves needlessly long, she urged Jane to borrow Mr. Bingley’s carriage immediately, and at length it was settled that their original design of leaving Netherfield that morning should be mentioned, and the request made.

The communication excited many professions of concern; and enough was said of wishing them to stay at least till the following day to work on Jane; and till the morrow their going was deferred. Miss Bingley was then sorry that she had proposed the delay, for her jealousy and dislike of one sister much exceeded her affection for the other.

The master of the house heard with real sorrow that they were to go so soon, and repeatedly tried to persuade Miss Bennet that it would not be safe for her — that she was not enough recovered; but Jane was firm where she felt herself to be right.

To Mr. Darcy it was welcome intelligence — Elizabeth had been at Netherfield long enough.

She attracted him more than he liked — and Miss Bingley was uncivil to HER, and more teasing than usual to himself. He wisely resolved to be particularly careful that no sign of admiration should NOW escape him, nothing that could elevate her with the hope of influencing his felicity; sensible that if such an idea had been suggested, his behaviour during the last day must have material weight in confirming or crushing it. Steady to his purpose, he scarcely spoke ten words to her through the whole of Saturday, and though they were at one time left by themselves for half-an-hour, he adhered most conscientiously to his book, and would not even look at her.

On Sunday, after morning service, the separation, so agreeable to almost all, took place. Miss Bingley’s civility to Elizabeth increased at last very rapidly, as well as her affection for Jane; and when they parted, after assuring the latter of the pleasure it would always give her to see her either at Longbourn or Netherfield, and embracing her most tenderly, she even shook hands with the former. Elizabeth took leave of the whole party in the liveliest of spirits.

They were not welcomed home very cordially by their mother. Mrs. Bennet wondered at their coming, and thought them very wrong to give so much trouble, and was sure Jane would have caught cold again. But their father, though very laconic in his expressions of pleasure, was really glad to see them; he had felt their importance in the family circle. The evening conversation, when they were all assembled, had lost much of its animation, and almost all its sense by the absence of Jane and Elizabeth.

They found Mary, as usual, deep in the study of thorough-bass and human nature; and had some extracts to admire, and some new observations of threadbare morality to listen to. Catherine and Lydia had information for them of a different sort. Much had been done and much had been

Continued on Page 36

Page 36 - Melbourne Observer - Wednesday, February 15, 2012

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Observer Classic Books From Page 35 said in the regiment since the preceding Wednesday; several of the officers had dined lately with their uncle, a private had been flogged, and it had actually been hinted that Colonel Forster was going to be married.

CHAPTER 13 “I hope, my dear,” said Mr. Bennet to his wife, as they were at breakfast the next morning, “that you have ordered a good dinner to-day, because I have reason to expect an addition to our family party.”

“Who do you mean, my dear? I know of nobody that is coming, I am sure, unless Charlotte Lucas should happen to call in — and I hope MY dinners are good enough for her. I do not believe she often sees such at home.”

“The person of whom I speak is a gentleman, and a stranger.”

Mrs. Bennet’s eyes sparkled. “A gentleman and a stranger! It is Mr. Bingley, I am sure! Well, I am sure I shall be extremely glad to see Mr. Bingley. But — good Lord! how unlucky! There is not a bit of fish to be got to-day. Lydia, my love, ring the bell — I must speak to Hill this moment.”

“It is NOT Mr. Bingley,” said her husband; “it is a person whom I never saw in the whole course of my life.”

This roused a general astonishment; and he had the pleasure of being eagerly questioned by his wife and his five daughters at once.

After amusing himself some time with their curiosity, he thus explained: “About a month ago I received this letter; and about a fortnight ago I answered it, for I thought it a case of some delicacy, and requiring early attention. It is from my cousin, Mr. Collins, who, when I am dead, may turn you all out of this house as soon as he pleases.”

“Oh! my dear,” cried his wife, “I cannot bear to hear that mentioned. Pray do not talk of that odious man. I do think it is the hardest thing in the world, that your estate should be entailed away from your own children; and I am sure, if I had been you, I should have tried long ago to do something or other about it.”

Jane and Elizabeth tried to explain to her the nature of an entail. They had often attempted to

Melbourne

do it before, but it was a subject on which Mrs. Bennet was beyond the reach of reason, and she continued to rail bitterly against the cruelty of settling an estate away from a family of five daughters, in favour of a man whom nobody cared anything about.

“It certainly is a most iniquitous affair,” said Mr. Bennet, “and nothing can clear Mr. Collins from the guilt of inheriting Longbourn. But if you will listen to his letter, you may perhaps be a little softened by his manner of expressing himself.”

“No, that I am sure I shall not; and I think it is very impertinent of him to write to you at all, and very hypocritical. I hate such false friends.

Why could he not keep on quarreling with you, as his father did before him?”

“Why, indeed; he does seem to have had some filial scruples on that head, as you will hear.”

“Hunsford, near Westerham, Kent, 15th October.

“Dear Sir,— “The disagreement subsisting between yourself and my late honoured father always gave me much uneasiness, and since I have had the misfortune to lose him, I have frequently wished to heal the breach; but for some time I was kept back by my own doubts, fearing lest it might seem disrespectful to his memory for me to be on good terms with anyone with whom it had always pleased him to be at variance.—’There, Mrs. Bennet.’— My mind, however, is now made up on the subject, for having received ordination at Easter, I have been so fortunate as to be distinguished by the patronage of the Right Honourable Lady Catherine de Bourgh, widow of Sir Lewis de Bourgh, whose bounty and beneficence has preferred me to the valuable rectory of this parish, where it shall be my earnest endeavour to demean myself with grateful respect towards her ladyship, and be ever ready to perform those rites and ceremonies which are instituted by the Church of England. As a clergyman, moreover, I feel it my duty to promote and establish the blessing of peace in all families within in the reach of my influence; and on these grounds I flatter myself that my present overtures are highly commendable, and that the circumstance of my being next in the entail of Longbourn estate will be kindly overlooked on your side, and not lead you to reject

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well expressed.”

To Catherine and Lydia, neither the letter nor its writer were in any degree interesting. It was next to impossible that their cousin should come in a scarlet coat, and it was now some weeks since they had received pleasure from the society of a man in any other colour. As for their mother, Mr. Collins’s letter had done away much of her ill-will, and she was preparing to see him with a degree of composure which astonished her husband and daughters.

Mr. Collins was punctual to his time, and was received with great politeness by the whole family. Mr. Bennet indeed said little; but the ladies were ready enough to talk, and Mr. Collins seemed neither in need of encouragement, nor inclined to be silent himself. He was a tall, heavylooking young man of five-and-twenty. His air was grave and stately, and his manners were very formal. He had not been long seated before he complimented Mrs. Bennet on having so fine a family of daughters; said he had heard much of their beauty, but that in this instance fame had fallen short of the truth; and added, that he did not doubt her seeing them all in due time disposed of in marriage. This gallantry was not much to the taste of some of his hearers; but Mrs. Bennet, who quarreled with no compliments, answered most readily.

“You are very kind, I am sure; and I wish with all my heart it may prove so, for else they will be destitute enough. Things are settled so oddly.”

“You allude, perhaps, to the entail of this estate.”

“Ah! sir, I do indeed. It is a grievous affair to my poor girls, you must confess. Not that I mean to find fault with YOU, for such things I know are all chance in this world. There is no knowing how estates will go when once they come to be entailed.”

“I am very sensible, madam, of the hardship to my fair cousins, and could say much on the subject, but that I am cautious of appearing forward and precipitate. But I can assure the young ladies that I come prepared to admire them. At present I will not say more; but, perhaps, when we are better acquainted —” He was interrupted by a summons to dinner; and the girls smiled on each other. They were not the only objects of Mr. Collins’s admiration.

To Be Continued Next Week

the offered olive-branch. I cannot be otherwise than concerned at being the means of injuring your amiable daughters, and beg leave to apologise for it, as well as to assure you of my readiness to make them every possible amends — but of this hereafter. If you should have no objection to receive me into your house, I propose myself the satisfaction of waiting on you and your family, Monday, November 18th, by four o’clock, and shall probably trespass on your hospitality till the Saturday se’ennight following, which I can do without any inconvenience, as Lady Catherine is far from objecting to my occasional absence on a Sunday, provided that some other clergyman is engaged to do the duty of the day.— I remain, dear sir, with respectful compliments to your lady and daughters, your well-wisher and friend, “WILLIAM COLLINS” “At four o’clock, therefore, we may expect this peace-making gentleman,” said Mr. Bennet, as he folded up the letter. “He seems to be a most conscientious and polite young man, upon my word, and I doubt not will prove a valuable acquaintance, especially if Lady Catherine should be so indulgent as to let him come to us again.”

“There is some sense in what he says about the girls, however, and if he is disposed to make them any amends, I shall not be the person to discourage him.”

“Though it is difficult,” said Jane, “to guess in what way he can mean to make us the atonement he thinks our due, the wish is certainly to his credit.”

Elizabeth was chiefly struck by his extraordinary deference for Lady Catherine, and his kind intention of christening, marrying, and burying his parishioners whenever it were required.

“He must be an oddity, I think,” said she. “I cannot make him out.— There is something very pompous in his style.— And what can he mean by apologising for being next in the entail?— We cannot suppose he would help it if he could.— Could he be a sensible man, sir?”

“No, my dear, I think not. I have great hopes of finding him quite the reverse. There is a mixture of servility and self-importance in his letter, which promises well. I am impatient to see him.”

“In point of composition,” said Mary, “the letter does not seem defective. The idea of the olivebranch perhaps is not wholly new, yet I think it is

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