CUSTOMER SERVICE: MECHANICAL YAMMERING III

CUSTOMER S E R V I C E

MECHANICAL YAMMERING III

You are not supposed to read these emails.

They were sent to me by customer service representatives, the brave women and men on the front lines of digital brand management.

Customers write many types of messages: angry, lonely, sad, bizarre.

All are included in this collection. In curation, I realized a lot of emotion is imbedded within customer service emails. Fear, failures and fantasy are common themes.

Thank you to the illustrators who contributed renditions of the emails’ authors. Imagining the person on the other side of the screen takes a strange, specific compassion. The illustrators are individually credited on the last page.

Thank you also to the text contributors. Their names can never be revealed, as they broke a litany of non-disclosure agreements.

Lastly, thanks to anyone reading. Send me your thoughts; abuse me; confuse me; ask for my help: mechanicalyammering@gmail.com

Name: Pissed Customer Email:biteme@fuckoff.com Question: If you MOTHER FUCKERS can't let me come and look at your web site without forcing a fucking IRRELEVANT POPUP in my face I have to dismiss, you can GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

I've fucking HAD IT with being treated with such disrespect.

F-U-C-K Y-O-U! You'll NEVER see a fucking dime from me. Tell that your your imbeciles in the Marketing Department.

Topic: answers

Oh woe is me.

Here I am, all alone in the office.

It's dark, and too quiet, and...

Oh, but you don't want to hear about my miserable life.

You don't want to hear about how the Master has once again left me to "hold the fort" (as He flippantly says as He flits off on another fun time, leaving me here to fend for myself).

No, you want to hear that He Whom I Must Obey will answer your e-mail.

Well, callous as He is to poor me, the Master will take good care of you.

I shall ensure that your message gets into His hands ASAP. You are his customer.

The customer is always right.

Please let me know which product you purchased so The Master can take care of you ASAP. Please do not yell at me.

Thank you for your patience, Mail Slave

You are the ONLY fucking store l... a p y a p t p acce t ’ n s e o d t tha and unfortunately You are the ONLY fucking store that does't offer some type of credit card, etc.

D m

v

MY FUCKING NIGHTMARE CONTINUES..

OMG I don[t believe this SHIT.

GOD KILL ME. I Hate this,

you SUCK, common…

Hi, I just order a pajama from u. before 2 weeks I, I wore it today, and she's so big!

I always wear size small but your small it's so big I look like I Wear Maternity Clothes!

Do you have different sizes bc your small

it's too big thank gad I didn't order something else

I feel so offended, so hopeless, and so heartbroken when I see happy females in their leotards/briefs (To qualify “in a leotard,” the bottom of the leotard has to be exposed.). There is too much discrimination that only females get to have fun happily in their swim/dance leotards/briefs in public while males get left behind.

What if a male wants to have fun in leotard/briefs in public like females thank you very much?

A male can wear a leotard, and he can still be a male; it is like the “lipstick on a pig” simile. I am one of those males who want to wear leotards without wearing anything over the bottom part (briefs part) of the leotard. I like being an athlete in a leotard; especially, I want to be on the aerial silk in a leotard, and I want to make a splash in a leotard, and those are two of my serious dreams in my life thank you very much.

By my mathematics and by trying on status-quo dance/swim leotards, I design a dance/swim leotard for males of all ages so males can happily have fun in their dance/swim leotards as females; the difference is that my dance/swim leotards have an extended crotch length [approximately seven and one-quarter inches long (front and back) before inserting threeeighth-inch-thick elastic] to prevent clothing malfunctions (If there is a recall, extend a one-half inch crotch length before inserting three-eighth-inch-thick elastic as plan B.) and that my dance/swim leotards have no bra cups and that the whole dance/swim leotard gets lining; the similarities are that males get the same leg cut as females and that the sizing is the same as with status-quo dance/swim leotards. Wearing the underwear briefs backward was my inspiration and my pattern, and you may use the bottom part of my blueprint of my leotard for manufacturing dance/swim briefs for males.

My blueprint of my dance/swim leotard is public domain because I am a sharer, and because I hate intellectual-property laws, and because intellectual-property laws contain selfish murder; we need to be sharers more instead of being nonsharers because we, all, are on the same team (God's team) for productive communities.

If you do not know that males of all ages want to do leotard-related activities in dance/swim leotard/briefs in public happily like females of all ages, you can do an anonymous survey to males of all ages about wanting to wear leotards/ briefs during leotard-related activities in public happily like females. We need to allow males to have fun in their dance/ swim leotards in public as females to break the discrimination of the status quo and for the sake of a new culture. If females can have fun in their dance/swim leotards, males can have fun in their dance/swim leotards too. For the sake of knowledge, I have a type of autism called Asperger's syndrome.

I am a loyal customer.

I have been shopping with your company for years now.

Your company is an international corporation.

I am really disappointed in you.

I am writing an email right now to tell you how disappointed I am in you.

I took time out of my busy life to write this.

You might be losing a customer.

What an absolute shame.

I am ashamed of you.

Subject: RE: I am very disappointment I am very disappointment how my package has been delivered and hand held.

This is not how it should been.

hi, am JEEZYBOY, i dream of becoming a great writer thus i would like to market myself to the whole world of my book that am due to complete in few months time.Young writers that have got similar dreams as mine can also join me and many other people so that we make the world happier in witting a story that fits and is suitable for the current society.

AM I RELEVANT IN MY DREAM AS FAR AS Â YOUR is concerned?

wildwood@wildwoodnightclubmusiccircut.com writes: Last year I bought a small fortune's worth of musical and recording equipment, and over one year later I'm now writing to report back that I couldn't be happier and I look forward to future purchases from you! Meantime, of the over 400 songs I've recorded with the new equipment so far, there's one particular song that right now stands out and that it has dawned on me might be of great interest to you, or more specifically, to your professional musician customers who regularly perform the Wildwood, New Jersey nightclub circuit each summer.

The song is called "Wild, Wild in Wildwood," which I initially wrote in the late '70s based on my real life experiences and eventually had copyrighted as track #29 of An American Life -- A Collective Work in 2009 (Library of Congress catologue #PAu 3-529-969.)

Attached to this e-mail is a .wma music file of the song plus the lyrics for it.

To me, and I think you'll quickly agree as you listen to it, it's a must-do song for any group that performs the Wildwood nightclub scene.

As songs go, even though I wrote it, I don't really consider it a specifically Stephen type song per se. And since I'm not a live performer, simply a composer/ recording artist, this song is currently sitting here in my collection of recordings, not doing anything. And as songs go I don't feel it's really in my right to keep holding it back this way.

So that said, is there any possible way that a customer service representative can help out here and leak this song to your musician customers who play the Wildwood nightclub circuit? For I have no doubt they would truly appreciate it and could actually do something with it. As I say, from their viewpoint I can only classify it as a must-do song. Whatever the case, I thank you for your consideration and interest here.

Thanks, Wildwood

customerservice@productstore.com writes: Hi Wildwood, There are plenty of resources on the web that help artists connect with their community and the world. I would recommend checking out Bandcamp, Reverbnation, and Soundcloud for opportunities to share your music with people in your area on the web. I hope this is helpful [editor’s aside: this is not helpful].

Let us know if there's anything else we can help with.

wildwood@wildwoodnightclubmusiccircut.com writes: Thanks for your advice, though I don't know if it would be best in this particular case. With the song, "Wild, Wild in Wildwood," to somehow just leak it to professional musicians who play the Wildwood nightclub circuit, with that song being such an obvious must-do in that instance‌.

For to me it's that type of song that, if I hadn't written it it would be like, why didn't I think of that? For it's so simple, so obvious. But in this instance I DID think of that. It's like the paperclip. We all ask ourselves, it's so simple, so obvious, why didn't we think of that? And here, I did think of this. And all it needs is to be leaked. And no doubt some of your clients are pro musicians on the Wildwood nightclub circuit.

It's like we're so close on this.

Sincerely, Wildwood

Dear Bose,

I even know what would work.

I already have the "Bose IE 2 Audio Headphones". I actually need the clear plastic piece that hooks on the ear, and the hole part goes in to the ear. I've had this device a long time, when I purchased it from Best Buy. This is my backup pair should my Bluetooth device go out. I went back to Best Buy, but I was told I had to purchase these from Bose directly.

Take someone who really is in a wheelchair, listening to music in a hospital setting, but is constantly asked to turn it down, but being given a pair of noise canceling headphones, and the wheelchair person starts dancing in his chair, but nobody can hear but the wheelchair person.

For the most part, these are outstanding headphones. As a paralyzed disabled veteran from Desert Storm, Bluetooth or wired headphones makes my world so much easier. I only wish I could afford a wireless set of Bose headphones. I even prefer the type that goes over the whole ear, rather than the ear canal. Anything that goes inside of the ear canal can cause serious ear infections.

The only headphones that even come close to yours, is the Nokia wired over the ears headphones.

I have been a huge Bose purchaser ever since Bose founded there company. I am very fortunate and blessed I have a handicap accessible van, and I have Bose speakers in the very back of my van. I'm soon to upgrade my door speakers, and side wall speakers in my 2005 Dodge Grand Caravan. I plan to purchase the speakers that has the bass, mid range, and tweeters all into one piece. I've been told, it doesn't make a difference, but I know it does. The sound is so much clearer, and you can recognize even instrument that's being played in whatever song you're listening too. Being I'm growing hard of hearing from being around tanks and artillery machines all of my military career, to me, it allows me to hear much better. My only complaint with Bose is your speakers are top of the line, but your audio equipment, not so much or I would have definitely bought a Bose system.

Also, being a wheelchair person, whenever I've done fund raising for charities, this wheelchair seems to attract business. I'm telling you this, if your sales ever need a boost, I am more than willing to come out to do commercials.

Another idea I have, is show a nursery right before nap time. The children start complaining and whining. The camera looks over to the nurse person, putting her hands over her ears to try to block out all the whining. The next day, she brings in one of your small stereo systems that's easy to play, puts in SpongeBob or whatever the popular cartoon is these days, maybe the "Kid Bop" cd, and the children are out like a light.

I'm truly a natural at coming up with commercial ideas, I just need a company to give me a chance. I've given you two for free, but I'd sure like a way to supplement my current income because being on disability really sucks!! Plus, I LOVE traveling, but I have no way to support the habit I enjoy because it's even more expensive than normal people who enjoys traveling. I have to have handicap accessible motel rooms. As well as when I travel, it's nice to have a traveling companion because I can't reach the gas pumps.

Thank you for your time,,,

I checked out keyboards recently via your email. now I see ads for keyboards through ******** on FB and yahoo. if this doesn't cease immediately i'll drop you like a bad habit. anything you sell I can get at a better price with a simple phone call or two anyway. yeah i'm a famous motherfucking rockstar and I need you like a hole in the head.

The reason I'm writing today is to ask a big favor from you.

In 2013, I was hit by a person texting and driving while I was stopped a red light. My car was destroyed and I was on breathing machines in recovery for some time. I have 9 herniations and bulges in my spine as a result of the accident and two shoulder surgeries that are upcoming. I've not been able to work since the accident and still have dozens of injuries.

I've been looking at the DP-32 and how amazing all of the features look, but I simply cannot afford it with only my wife working. I was hoping you might consider donating a DP-32 to me? I know this is an awkward request, and I certainly feel weird asking it, but I thought this might possibly be considered for a customer who's bought products from you in the past.

Recording music gives me peace and the DP-32 looks like it will really allow me to spread out. I've owned a DP-008 and a DP-02FX in the past, as well as used the DP-24. I enjoy the porta-studio design more than computer based designs.

The DP-32 would really allow me to spread out and make some fantastic music.

If there's a person that this message might be routed to that can make a decision on this, I would be so appreciative. Of course, I can provide medical records to show my many current injuries if necessary, and photos of the accident, while they are gruesome.

Whatever you decide, I appreciate your site over the years.

Thank you, Chris Elliott

“These pipes are clean.”

— Chris Elliott

Hello I really don't know where to start but I guess the beginning is as good as any so at least you'll understand the whole situation, I guess in away this would be called my bucket lists....so please give me a few moments of your time... I"ll make this as short as possible and to the point OK, My name is Randy from Tennessee, and I have been in the music business for more then 35 years of my life( I'm a drummer) and I'm 47 years old and I'm blessed to say I've made a good living considering I live in Nashville where everyone and there mothers plays, Sing, Dance, etc you get my drift...

Well on March 31, 2001 I was leaving a club in downtown Nashville where I was playing a showcase for an up and coming band. Well after the show was over I was loading my drums and a man walked up to me and at first I didn't think anything about it cause that happens a lot drummers like to talk to other drummers so I thought he was just another drummer wanting to chat.

Well that couldn't have been any further from the truth, the next thing I knew he had a handgun stuck in my face, and believe it or not thing the first thing he ask me was for my tennis shoes which I was happy to give him and like any other human being I was basically begging him not to shot me I was telling him I was getting ready to get married I just wanted him to see I was a human being, But that didn't seem to care to him, after he took my car keys, he got into my car and rolled my window down mumbled something and then shot me 5 times with a 45 cal handgun according to the police..

So as you can tell I lived through it but I'll be honest you there where sometimes I wish I would have just closed my eyes and never woke up simple cause of all the hell I went and still are going through, but my family keep me here.. The reason being is I lost everything I was ever good at, it was like life was taken from me in the blink of an eye, and what hurts me even more is Ive never had a bad word with anyone in my life, I simple had to except that bad things happen to good

people everyday I just never thought it would happen to me....

So to get on with the story I spent a total of 2 years and 32 days SOLID at Vanderbilt Hospital fighting for my life having surgeries after surgeries and infections after affections learning how to do everything over again, walk, talk, eat, But what hurt me so bad was the two things I loved so much just went out the window and that was music and flying I got my pilots license in 1989, and in was an incredible passion of mine, a very expensive one but at the time I wasn't married it was just me and what ever tour I was on at the time....

Well I'll never forget the day my doctor walked in during one of my rehab session June 16, 2004 and said he wanted to talk to me and I could tell it was going to be more bad news cause for the past 4 years that's all I got was terrible news, "This surgery went wrong", "You have another life threaten infection",and so so much more, But he set down beside me and told me the complete truth about my future and it was like I could

see his mouth moving but I couldn't hear a word he was saying because of the tremendous shock I was hearing or thought, What he said was truly devastating and that was I will no longer be able to feel my right foot( right drop foot nerve damage cause by the bullet hitting my spine), But not only that my right arm would never be the same, and all I kept thinking was what will I do now with my life.

I went from a wonderful life and it was over in a second by some crazed lunatic (which they never caught..)

So anyway after going through years of hard depression my girlfriend basically told me to get off my ass and take what you have and make it work, well that's exactly what I did I learned how to change from a right foot player to a left, and I'm actually playing again, but I'm still not Randy yet if you get my meaning.. So its been quite sometime now and over thousands of hours of rehab, learning how to walk again, and what bothers me more then anything about the only thing that brings me joy is my wife and my two incredible kids that I didn't have back when this

happened but I must say my wife never left my side one moment, she's nothing more then plan amazing and now I'm able to do 75% the things I used to love doing and I'm just 47..

Well I'll get to the point and stop talking your head off I was just trying to get my point across,, Life was going good for me for once I had my two beautiful children now, ones 3 and the other is 1. 11 months ago I went back to have my yearly check ups, and everything seemed OK, but the next day my doctor called me and wanted to see me ASAP, so I saw him the next morning at 8:00am and let me tell you this they never taught this part in school and that's basically that dying is just as big a part of living, we just hope we get to enjoy it as much as possible watch are kids and even grand kids grow up.

Well what keeps me alive and going are the meds that I take and they have to be giving my IV its a series of antibiotics, very Strong ones along with iron, a I have to take them this way because oral pills I cant take because my stomach is all re-routed and i don't have the parts that makes my body assimilate certain protein's that

normal people get from everyday foods.

Well my doctor told me he had to take me off them immediately and that they have already done to much damage, basically my veins are leaking for a better a term, well I knew what he was getting at I just didn't realize I had so little time, so he gave me around October, and I would have to say I'm OK with it, what hurts me so bad is how will my two babies handle this knowing there father is gone. So as you can imagine I had great insurance BC/ BS but they dropped me after I went over the 3 million dollar mark, I could have stayed with them but my monthly payments were killing me, so I had to drop them, So I had to sell my most expensive things I owned four of my vintage Gretsch drums sets, and I had to sell my two of my collector cars that Ive spent most of my life having them worked on and restored (Basically a money pit), and that just barely keep use a float for awhile..

So I'm serious I'll get to the point now, as you can imagine are credit is shot from all the medical expenses, and one of the thing that I have been wanted to do before I leave this place is learn pro tools

11 and being a drummer and being around it for years and recording 100's of albums on I just always wanted to learn how, and Ive never been a very religious man but,I could not believe it when the people at Avid sent me a copy of the software, I really didn't know people in this world could be so kind But the one thing I have always wanted to buy before this hell happened to me to go along with my pro tools is the Maschine Studio, and the Komplete 9 Ultimate, I know this is crazy for me even to ask something like this, but I look at it this way whats the worst thing that could happen, besides me getting cussed out and besides I have nothing to lose now I mean really how bad can my situation get( If it seems like I'm joking a lot its because i am) I have found the human body goes through stages and of coarse crying and anger are the first but I have know more tears left, so instead of walking around like a zombie in front of my family and making them sad, i just excepted it which was hard so I just try to live as happy as I can with the time I have left with the ones I love, If your setting back laughing and saying to yourself what in the

hell is this guy talking about much less wanting, Well one of my bucket list was to skydive, i did that and I really thought that was my last day on earth...

Well I have always love the creation of music as in recording and doing all the engineering type work but I just didn't have enough time. As I was saying awhile ago about my credit sucking due to medical bills, I went online and try to buy something from you guess which was the Native Instrument, " Maschine Studio and the Komplete 9 bundle"and I had the money to make the first payment but I got an email the next day saying they ran my credit and they couldn't except it even though I could make the monthly payments, But now i'm trying my hardest to come up with the money to buy both of those, But Im just afraid I'm on a time clock which you can imagine how that must feel for me.

So once again I'm really trying to get to the point its just new for me to ask anyone for anything cause i never had to before , So I was wondering if there was anyway possible you could Donate those to me, Ive even set down with my wife

and she would be willing to mail them back to you, you have my word on that, Unless she wants to become a famous DJ lol, If there was a way i could make payments like everyone else that would just be wonderful and I could do that but they problem is I was doing the math and the bottom line is I simply don't have the time, But anyway I know your thinking that's a very small bucket list, well I can say i've been very fortunate to see the world on many tours in my life, and besides Ive never been one to need much just my family is what makes me happy, But anyway I think my small bucket list would be great for me, because right now the more things that keep my mind of the things to come the better i do.

So Thank you so much for listen to me run my mouth I hope I didn't bore you, and I really wish i knew your name, But truly the last thing they say a picture is worth a thousand words, well here are a few pictures of the hell Ive been through, I'm sorry for the graphic nature, but just look what someone can do to another human being..the picture of me in the gree shirt was taken 2 weeks before this happened..

p.s Last thing and this is for everyone please take today as if it was your last and do it everyday, I found out the hard way but we are not promised tomorrow, so please if you are married and have kids please tell them you love them everyday, even if your having a small argument with the wife or kids, please hold them tell them your sorry even if its your fault, because what would you do if you came home and never saw there face again.. we humans never think about that cause its always on the tv it could never happen to us, I just thought I would share a little word of wisdom with you..

Does your company will be able to fulfill the dream of an Oscar, as in Poland and Europe.

What kind of product cracks and disintegrates on mere touch?

Unfortunately, he receives negative response.

Maybe I can cover the cost of shipping, but it’s not about buying guitars.

ShAME ON YOU ZZZZZZZZZOUNDS AND (THE FRAUDLEMT BRANCH), sEND ME MY BODYPLATE OR

I can dream, and this is really my biggest passion that allows at least for a moment forget about the inexorably approaching death

…..YOUR PRODUCT IS THE ONES!!!!.

YOU WILL NEVER HEAR THE LAST OF ME AND MY NEGATIVE RATING OF YOUr WEBSITE. Drafting emails to Sweetwater to detail zzzzzzzzzzzzz (sleeping) sound has failed us now..

IMAGE CREDITS Yelling Man (2) is by tleshian, find him on fiverr.com Screaming Customer (3) and Mail Slave (4) is by Samuel JuĂĄrez (klosx). Contact him klosx@hotmail.com or www.facebook.com/klosxcomics Ill-Fitting Clothes (5) is by denikasapovic, find him on fiverr.com Jeezy Boy is by J. Michael Osborne (8). Find him online at www.facebook.com/j.michael.osborne Wildwood NightClub Man (9) is by Rudy Schultz. Find him online at rudolfaschultz@gmail.com Motherfucking Rockstar (12) is by Dane Georges, find him online at www.danegeorges.com Protools Gun Violence (17) is by Brandon Kirkman. Find him online at brandonkirkman.carbonmade.com All the rest of the images are clip art from the internet or Craphound. Much thanks to every illustrator who contributed, this zine would be boring and unreadable without their contribution.

If you want to talk to MECHANICAL YAMMERING, email mechanicalyammering@gmail.com Also shoutout to Quimby’s Books for being the best place for art in all of Chicago.