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The 36th Annual April Fool’s Day Satirical Edition
March 28, 2017
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Civil Engineering Students Contracted to Pickles the Design President Cat Nipped Trump’s Border Wall at Jasper’s Deli
Dude Wheresmycar Editor
The NYPD’s 50th precinct arrested local deli resident Pickles the Cat Friday night in front of Fenwick’s Bar and Grill on West 238th Street. Pickles was stopped on the street and questioned by an undercover officer Friday night as he walked out of Jasper’s Deli, after being observed purchasing alcohol inside the establishment at approximately 4:55 pm.
Early rendrings of the wall call for a painting of St. Jean Baptiste de la Salle every 18.53 miles. Manhattan College/Courtesy
Wally Bildére Senior Writer
Manhattan College civil engineering graduates have gone on to design and build some of America’s most prominent bridges, tallest buildings, and other notable works of infrastructure. Now while still in school, some students will have the opportunity to work on one of the largest yet most controversial construction projects in the world—President Donald J. Trump’s wall on the United States-Mexico border. “Manhattan engineers are the best people. Nobody builds better than them, nobody,” Trump said at a recent White House press conference announcing the project. “It’s going to be a great, great wall and I’m very excited.” Civil engineering undergraduate seniors will be working to design the 1,250mile long reinforced concrete structure as part of their annual capstone senior design projects. This breaks from tradition that usually has students work to design a high-rise tower as part of the capstone project for the structural engineering program.
A hot-button issue during Trump’s campaign for office, the proposed border wall drew scorn from opponents but served as a rallying cry for Trump supporters looking for tougher border control and curtailed immigration. Many in the Manhattan College community were surprised at the announcement given the wall’s apparent conflicts with the college’s Lasallian mission of promoting inclusivity and encouraging diversity. College president Brennan O’Donnell assured students, administration, faculty and staff that the decision to take on the project was purely financially driven. “Look, we know it’s not the most popular project. But that new STEM building is not going to pay for itself,” O’Donnell said. With recent low oil prices limiting donations from college patron Tom O’Malley and other alumni contributions still being collected for the recently built Kelly Commons, the college needed to look for alternative funding sources for the proposed south campus developments. In return for students working to design the wall under the guidance of knowledgeable faculty members, the college will receive $10 million from the federal govern-
ment. That sum will be used exclusively for the construction of the new STEM building that will house new laboratory space for science and engineering programs. The Trump administration has also promised to utilize the federal power of eminent domain to force the sale of Karl’s Auto Body to Manhattan College—a move that will allow for the completion of the college’s south campus master plan with the construction of a mini-Quad on that site next to the proposed south campus dorm building. “It’s a win-win for the college,” O’Donnell said. “Our students get the chance to work on a high profile, realworld project, while the college has the opportunity to further our development of south campus and ensure our strategic growth for the future.” Some students that will be designing the wall are hesitant to work on such a controversial project. However, they are willing to put their own political views aside in order to complete the degree requirements and receive their diploma. “Yeah, I think the wall is a stupid idea, but I just want to graduate,” an anonymous civil engineering student said.
The cat, who thought he was getting away with the purrfect crime. NYPD Mugshot/ Courtesy He was found to be in possession of a fake Wisconsin State I.D. After being frisked down, a “dime bag” of catnip was also found in his posession. He was taken into custody immediately afterwards. Witnesses say that Pickles simply meowed when confronted by the police officer, disguised as a groomer, outside the establishment. After placing him in handcuffs, the arresting officer discovered two cans of Twisted Tea and a Green Apple Four Loko in a backpack the suspect was carrying. Pickles is being charged with criminal possession of a forged instrument and unlawful possession of alcohol, as well as resisting arrest for clawing at officers as he was being loading into a police van. The 50th precinct released the following statement on the arrest: “It was the worst fake I.D. we’ve ever seen. The biggest giveaway was probably the fact that the signature was just a pawprint. And also because he’s a cat.” Pickles is currently being held in the 50th Precinct’s kennel on Kingsbridge Avenue. His bail has been set at 35 cans of Fancy Feast.