A2 Monday, February 28, 2022 — DAILY REPUBLIC
The People’s Court case of the Fed Exed Dave’s Burger
V
OICEOVER: What a Dave’s Giant Hamyou are about to burger that you had witness is real. The to have one Fed participants are not Exed to you? actors. They are actual MR. SPRECKEL: litigants with a case Well, the restaurant pending in civil court. has been there since Both parties have 1963 and generations agreed to drop their of Fairfielders grew up claims and have their Tony Wade eating them. I moved cases settled here, away more than 35 years The last laugh before Judge Marilyn ago and I had a really Milian, in our forum: The bad hankerin’ for one. People’s Court! JUDGE MARILY MILIAN: BALIFF DOUGLAS: The Why not just go and visit your honorable Judge Marilyn hometown instead of hatching Milian is now presiding. (Judge this cockamamie plan to get one Milian enters and sits at bench) delivered to you? The litigants have been sworn, MR. SPRECKEL: Well, the your honor. defendant said he could send JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: me one, which was cheaper. Thank you Douglas. Now, I have JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: been doing this show for a long Ah! We have a saying in time and I thought I’d seen it all. Spanish, ‘Lo barato sale caro’: Dog bites, car accidents, stolen “The cheap comes out expenproperty – you name it. But this sive.” So what happened when is a new one. Mr. Spreckel, your you got your hamburger? complaint alleges that you asked MR. SPRECKEL: Well, I your friend, or I guess your heated the patty in the micronow former friend, Mr. Corning wave, put it back on the bun to mail you a hamburger, is and ate it. that right? JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: MR. SPRECKEL: Well, actu- And the next thing you know, ally I asked him to Fed Ex it. shockingly, you got food poisonJUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: ing and ended up in the hospital. My bad, that’s right you asked You want the defendant to pay him to Fed Ex it. Now, can I ask your $200 co-pay for your emeryou a question? Where do you gency room visit, plus the price live Mr. Spreckel? of the hamburger and the cost MR. SPRECKEL: to ship it. Let me hear from you, Mesa, Arizona. Mr. Corning. You thought this JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: was a good idea? Do they not have hamburgers in MR. CORNING: At the time, Mesa, Arizona? yes, your honor, I figured he MR. SPRECKEL: Well, could get it in two days and it not this particular kind of should have been fine. hamburger, Judge. It was a JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: Dave’s Giant Hamburger from You two are like a real-life my hometown of Fairfield, “Dumb & Dumber.” Neither one California. of you thought this might not JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: be the best way to handle perAnd what is so special about ishable food? Mr. Spreckel, you
Pixabay.com
agreed to this ridiculous plan so why should I make Mr. Corning pay for your medical bills and the burger? MR. SPRECKEL: Well, your honor, that’s not all I’m suing for. JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: Oh, that’s right! You are also suing for emotional distress. Please do tell me about that. MR. SPRECKEL: Judge, I grew up on Utah Street, which is just about as close as you could live to Dave’s and I went there all the time growing up. I used to go there when Dave Heim, the original owner, was still around. I know what a Dave’s Giant Hamburger looks like and tastes like. This was not a Dave’s Giant Hamburger. JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: Oh you’re a hamburger detective now? You think your
friend sent you a counterfeit hamburger? Where’s your proof of that? MR. SPRECKEL: Well, for one they used to be much bigger than the one he sent me. As a kid, I could barely finish it. JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: Well, you’re not a kid anymore so maybe your perspective changed as you are now bigger. Mr. Corning, did you send your ex-friend a counterfeit burger? MR. CORNING: No your honor. I bought it at Dave’s and sent it the same day. JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: Even if he had sent you a different hamburger, how would that cause you emotional distress to the tune of $2,500? Court is here to make you whole not get a bonanza for you. Plaintiffs come in here all the time and want to hear “cha-ching, let that cash
register ring.” That’s not the way it works. MR. SPRECKEL: Judge, I had dreams of finally having another Dave’s Giant Hamburger after all these years and it became a nightmare when I saw what he sent me and then it made me sick. JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: But you ate it! If you eat it you have to pay for it. MR. SPRECKEL: But your honor, it also wasn’t even what I ordered. JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: What do you mean? MR. SPRECKEL: I specifically requested grilled onions and it had raw onion on it! JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: OK, I’ve heard enough . . . MR. SPRECKEL: But your honor . . . JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: No! I’m done! Stick a fork in me, I’m done! You two geniuses deserve each other. I am not going to make Mr. Corning pay you a total of $3,000 when even a child knows you can’t ship perishable food for two days with no refrigeration and expect it to be fine to eat. So one thing I have to know though, Mr. Spreckel, were the French fries OK? MR. SPRECKEL: Dave’s doesn’t serve French fries, judge. JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: Verdict for the defendant! (raps gavel) Get out of my courtroom! Fairfield freelance humor columnist and accidental local historian Tony Wade writes two weekly columns: “The Last Laugh” on Mondays and “Back in the Day” on Fridays. Wade is also the author of The History Press book “Growing Up In Fairfield, California.”
Golden Girls’ fans can gather again for show-themed cruise Tribune Content Agency Of course a “Golden Girls” cruise is sailing out of Miami. Where else? The fourth version of the Golden Fans at Sea themed cruise is planned for April 2023, open to up to 1,000 fans of Rose, Dorothy, Blanche and Ma! . . . I mean Sophia. The event’s first two cruises sailed back-to-back in February 2020, and sold out according to travel agent Cindy Levine, who is organizing bookings for the upcoming voyage. A third sailing just took place on Celebrity Apex in January. The next one is a 5-night affair on board Celebrity Summit sailing from PortMiami from Saturday, April 8, to Thursday, April 13, with stops in Key West and Cozumel plus two sea days. “The first sailing sold out in 1 1/2 days! The second sailing sold out in just a few months and this sailing that we just had in 2022 was lower capacity due to CDC and people not feeling 100% to sail but 2023 will sell out,” Levine said in an email. Activities planned include a bar crawl in the Keys, karaoka, trivia, celebrity panels, costume parade, game shows and dance parties. In Cozumel, those who book through the agency get to go on the Shady Pines Goes to the Beach
ABC/TNS
From left, Estelle Getty, Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan and Betty White in “The Golden Girls.” Group Excursion. Guests for this sailing have yet to be announced. Past cruises featured Rue McClanahan’s sister Melinda as well as producer and show screenwriter Stan Zimmerman. Levine said that to be included in the group events, bookings have to be made through goldenfansatsea.com. Inside staterooms start around $1,000 per person based on double occupancy with balcony staterooms up to about $2,500 per person. Suites run from $3,400 to nearly $14,500 for the ship’s penthouse suite.
CORRECTION POLICY It is the Daily Republic’s policy to correct errors in reporting. If you notice an error, please call the Daily Republic at 425-4646 during business hours weekdays and ask to speak to the editor in charge of the section where the error occurred. Corrections will be printed here.
DAILY REPUBLIC Published by McNaughton Newspapers 1250 Texas Street, Fairfield, CA 94533
Home delivered newspapers should arrive by 6:30 a.m. daily except Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday (many areas receive earlier delivery). If you do not receive your newspaper or need a replacement, call us at 427-6989 by 10 a.m. and we will attempt to deliver one on the same day. For those receiving a
W H O M TO C A L L Subscriber services, delivery problems 427-6989 To place a classified ad 427-6936 To place a classified ad after 5 p.m. 427-6936 To place display advertising 425-4646 Tours of the Daily Republic 427-6923 N E W S D EPA R T M EN T Managing Editor Glen Faison Sports Editor Paul Farmer
427-6925 427-6926
E- M A I L A D D RE S S E S President/CEO/Publisher Foy McNaughton fmcnaughton@dailyrepublic.net Co-Publisher T. Burt McNaughton tbmcnaughton@dailyrepublic.net
sample delivery, to “OPT-OUT,” call the Circulation Department at 427-6989.
Suggested subscription rates: Daily Print: $4.12/week EZ-PAY: $14.10/mo.
Online: $3.23/week
Publisher Foy McNaughton 427-6962 Co-Publisher T. Burt McNaughton 427-6943 Advertising Director Bill Barno 427-6937 Main switchboard 425-4646 Daily Republic FAX 425-5924 Photo Editor Robinson Kuntz
427-6915
Managing Editor Glen Faison gfaison@dailyrepublic.net Classified ads drclass@dailyrepublic.net Circulation drcirc@dailyrepublic.net
Postmaster: Send address changes to Daily Republic, P.O. Box 47, Fairfield, CA 94533-0747. Periodicals postage paid at Fairfield, CA 94533. Published by McNaughton Newspapers. (ISNN) 0746-5858
“Church notes” provides information about local church services and is free of charge as a service to the community.
