Broke Girls ’

The People’s Court case of the Fed Exed Dave’s Burger

VOICEOVER: What you are about to witness is real. The participants are not actors. They are actual litigants with a case pending in civil court. Both parties have agreed to drop their claims and have their cases settled here, before Judge Marilyn Milian, in our forum: The People’s Court!

BALIFF DOUGLAS: The honorable Judge Marilyn Milian is now presiding. (Judge Milian enters and sits at bench) The litigants have been sworn, your honor.

JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN:

Thank you Douglas. Now, I have been doing this show for a long time and I thought I’d seen it all. Dog bites, car accidents, stolen property – you name it. But this is a new one. Mr. Spreckel, your complaint alleges that you asked your friend, or I guess your now former friend, Mr. Corning to mail you a hamburger, is that right?

MR. SPRECKEL: Well, actually I asked him to Fed Ex it.

JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN:

My bad, that’s right you asked him to Fed Ex it. Now, can I ask you a question? Where do you live Mr. Spreckel?

MR. SPRECKEL:

Mesa, Arizona.

JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN:

Do they not have hamburgers in Mesa, Arizona?

MR. SPRECKEL: Well, not this particular kind of hamburger, Judge. It was a Dave’s Giant Hamburger from my hometown of Fairfield, California.

JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: And what is so special about a Dave’s Giant Hamburger that you had to have one Fed Exed to you?

MR. SPRECKEL:

Well, the restaurant has been there since 1963 and generations of Fairfielders grew up eating them. I moved away more than 35 years ago and I had a really bad hankerin’ for one.

JUDGE MARILY MILIAN:

Why not just go and visit your hometown instead of hatching this cockamamie plan to get one delivered to you?

MR. SPRECKEL: Well, the defendant said he could send me one, which was cheaper.

JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: Ah! We have a saying in Spanish, ‘Lo barato sale caro’: “The cheap comes out expensive.” So what happened when you got your hamburger?

MR. SPRECKEL: Well, I heated the patty in the microwave, put it back on the bun and ate it.

JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN:

And the next thing you know, shockingly, you got food poisoning and ended up in the hospital. You want the defendant to pay your $200 co-pay for your emergency room visit, plus the price of the hamburger and the cost to ship it. Let me hear from you, Mr. Corning. You thought this was a good idea?

MR. CORNING: At the time, yes, your honor, I figured he could get it in two days and it should have been fine.

JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN:

You two are like a real-life “Dumb & Dumber.” Neither one of you thought this might not be the best way to handle perishable food? Mr. Spreckel, you agreed to this ridiculous plan so why should I make Mr. Corning pay for your medical bills and the burger?

MR. SPRECKEL: Well, your honor, that’s not all I’m suing for.

JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN:

Oh, that’s right! You are also suing for emotional distress. Please do tell me about that.

MR. SPRECKEL: Judge, I grew up on Utah Street, which is just about as close as you could live to Dave’s and I went there all the time growing up. I used to go there when Dave Heim, the original owner, was still around. I know what a Dave’s Giant Hamburger looks like and tastes like. This was not a Dave’s Giant Hamburger.

JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN:

Oh you’re a hamburger detective now? You think your friend sent you a counterfeit hamburger? Where’s your proof of that?

MR. SPRECKEL: Well, for one they used to be much bigger than the one he sent me. As a kid, I could barely finish it.

JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN:

Well, you’re not a kid anymore so maybe your perspective changed as you are now bigger. Mr. Corning, did you send your ex-friend a counterfeit burger?

MR. CORNING: No your honor. I bought it at Dave’s and sent it the same day.

JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN:

Even if he had sent you a different hamburger, how would that cause you emotional distress to the tune of $2,500? Court is here to make you whole not get a bonanza for you. Plaintiffs come in here all the time and want to hear “cha-ching, let that cash

register ring.” That’s not the way it works. MR. SPRECKEL: Judge, I had dreams of finally having another Dave’s Giant Hamburger after all these years and it became a nightmare when I saw what he sent me and then it made me sick. Tony Wade The last laugh JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN: But you ate it! If you eat it you have to pay for it. MR. SPRECKEL: But your honor, it also wasn’t even what I ordered.

JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN:

What do you mean? MR. SPRECKEL: I specifically requested grilled onions and it had raw onion on it!

JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN:

OK, I’ve heard enough . . . MR. SPRECKEL: But your honor . . .

JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN:

No! I’m done! Stick a fork in me, I’m done! You two geniuses deserve each other. I am not going to make Mr. Corning pay you a total of $3,000 when even a child knows you can’t ship perishable food for two days with no refrigeration and expect it to be fine to eat. So one thing I have to know though, Mr. Spreckel, were the French fries OK? MR. SPRECKEL: Dave’s doesn’t serve French fries, judge.

JUDGE MARILYN MILIAN:

Verdict for the defendant! (raps gavel) Get out of my courtroom!

Pixabay.com

Fairfield freelance humor columnist and accidental local historian Tony Wade writes two weekly columns: “The Last Laugh” on Mondays and “Back in the Day” on Fridays. Wade is also the author of The History Press book “Growing Up In Fairfield, California.”

Golden Girls’ fans can gather again for show-themed cruise

Tribune ConTenT AgenCy

Of course a “Golden Girls” cruise is sailing out of Miami. Where else?

The fourth version of the Golden Fans at Sea themed cruise is planned for April 2023, open to up to 1,000 fans of Rose, Dorothy, Blanche and Ma! . . . I mean Sophia.

The event’s first two cruises sailed back-to-back in February 2020, and sold out according to travel agent Cindy Levine, who is organizing bookings for the upcoming voyage. A third sailing just took place on Celebrity Apex in January.

The next one is a 5-night affair on board Celebrity Summit sailing from PortMiami from Saturday, April 8, to Thursday, April 13, with stops in Key West and Cozumel plus two sea days.

“The first sailing sold out in 1 1/2 days! The second sailing sold out in just a few months and this sailing that we just had in 2022 was lower capacity due to CDC and people not feeling 100% to sail but 2023 will sell out,” Levine said in an email.

Activities planned include a bar crawl in the Keys, karaoka, trivia, celebrity panels, costume parade, game shows and dance parties. In Cozumel, those who book through the agency get to go on the Shady Pines Goes to the Beach Group Excursion.

Guests for this sailing have yet to be announced. Past cruises featured Rue McClanahan’s sister Melinda as well as producer and show screenwriter Stan Zimmerman.

Levine said that to be included in the group events, bookings have to be made through goldenfansatsea.com.

Inside staterooms start around $1,000 per person based on double occupancy with balcony staterooms up to about $2,500 per person. Suites run from $3,400 to nearly $14,500 for the ship’s penthouse suite.

ABC/TNS From left, Estelle Getty, Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan and Betty White in “The Golden Girls.”

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