A2 Monday, December 27, 2021 — DAILY REPUBLIC
Here are some of the Christmas gag gifts I gave this year
I
would have loved to be albums, action figures, doing a recap of the lunch boxes, clothing, Wade Christmas 2021, books and a ton of other but I am writing this on stuff. One thing that I Christmas Eve as my wanted to be aware of Monday deadline is this year is that when always Friday. That said, you get older and have what I can do is run had quite a few Christthrough some of the mases and just been most excellent gag and Tony Wade living life, space for the (kinda) real gifts I plan stuff that you accumuThe last laugh to give to my immediate late over the years starts family members tomorrow. to become an issue. As both of my long-term I gave Kelvin a Fisher Price readers know, we Wades have a Little People airport that I tradition going back to the 1980s found there in 2019 because it that we give each other gag was the same one he had when gifts. The object is to elicit we were kids. He was briefly laughter and my brother Kelvin transported back decades in elevated it to an art form. time. Now, I have no doubt he I do give real gifts too, but later either donated or tossed it they are mainly nostalgia stuff. because it was kind of a space One of the places that I had hog. I ain’t mad at him because I been meaning to visit for years can’t imagine someone 55 years now and kept forgetting to do so old actually playing with it. was Stacy Rose’s Legendary Now, someone who is 57 and Letters at 707 Kentucky St. who looks like the guy that lives Her shop handles all outgoin my mirror? Definitely. ing mail for the magical But 55? Nah. community. Customers can get Anyway, I was able to secure personalized letters from Santa items that for the most part did Claus, the Easter Bunny, Cupid, not demand so much space. the Tooth Fairy, the Wizarding I wrapped all of the presents World and more. Years ago, I and since it is still Christmas purchased an acceptance letter Eve they all remain covered so I from the Hogwarts School of can’t remember what I gave to Witchcraft and Wizardry from whom necessarily, and there’s Stacy for my daughter Kaci, but no way I’m going to unwrap I’d never visited her shop in them to be sure. That’s because person until last week. I am the World’s Worst Gift Some of the coolest stuff she Wrapper. I don’t say that with had were collectibles from one shame, but instead with pride. of my favorite childhood movies, I have always thought it to be “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate the height of folly to carefully Factory.” I got a replica Golden and meticulously precision Ticket for my wife Beth and wrap presents so they look like bottles of the Fizzy Lifting something you had specially drinks for my brother Kelvin gift-wrapped in a store when on and his main squeeze Cathi. On Christmas morning they’re just the Harry Potter side, uh, Santa going to be ripped to shreds may have bought me a wooden anyway. So not only are mine carved Slytherin wand (I’m a sometimes wrapped in misRaiders fan so the Sorting Hat matched paper because I would definitely put me in misjudged how much I needed Slytherin House). and had to patch a naked spot, I My fave place to Christmas also have been known to use old gift shop is the Cordelia Antique Amazon Prime plastic delivery mall. They have so many envelopes and brown paper nostalgic items there like record bags as well.
Here are some of the items I got for my family members: n A couple of issues of Pizzazz Magazine from 1978. According to Wikipedia, Pizzazz was a magazine published by Marvel Comics from 1977 to 1979, for a total run of 16 issues. Aimed at youth culture, Pizzazz mostly contained articles about popular movies, rock stars, et cetera, as well as comic strips and puzzles. I was very tempted to keep them for myself, but instead just read them and gave them up. With my claw marks on them. n A California Raisins fingers puppet thingy. It is not a finger puppet that fits on one digit. It is a fingers puppet as it has holes in the back for four of them to make its really freaky smiling head move. n A genuine shoe horn from the old Levee’s in Vallejo. I got it mainly because I can’t remember the last time I saw a shoe horn. I hope my brother Orvis cherishes it forever. n A four ounce A&W glass root beer mug, an “I Love You This Much” figurine from the 1970s like the one my mom used to own and a Taz figurine. Uh, Santa decided to give all those to me for my pop culture loaded man cavern. n Books are always a great gift and I chose a couple of classics that are sure to bring years of delight to their readers. They are “The Art of Scarf Tying” and “The Surgeon General’s Conference on Solid Waste Management.” n Again, I do give real gifts and as many know my brother Kelvin has a fascination for hippopotami. I saw some QHM (Quality Hippo Merchandise) and snatched it up – a 2-foot-long stuffed hippo puppet. To balance out his joy when he unwraps that will be the look on his face when he opens the Chippendales key chain 3-D viewfinder with shirtless sculpted males
bright spot
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Courtesy photo
Tony Wade holds “Proceedings The Surgeon General’s Conference on Solid Waste Management.” wearing Speedos. n Last year, I also got a gift for the whole family. It was a celebrity video message from the online service Cameo. They have lists of famous folks with prices and you can purchase a personalized video clip from them. Last year, it was Larry Wilcox who played on the 1970s TV show “CHiPs.” I chose him mainly because he was $40 and he did a great job. This year, I wanted to get a Raiders player. Some of my faves were either out of my skinflint price range and others were just not that good at recording messages. I settled on current Las Vegas Raiders punter A.J. Cole III because of the terrific job he has done pinning opponents deep, changing field position in
games and being a positive force in the community as well. Plus he was only $15. A.J. did not disappoint. He said all my brother’s names, thanked us for being Raiders fans and ended with something I had requested: “Tony, I’m technically not allowed to punt every 49ers fan out of California, but if I could, I would. Go Raiders! Merry Christmas!” Here is the link to the cameo: https://bit.ly/AJColeWades. Fairfield freelance humor columnist and accidental local historian Tony Wade writes two weekly columns – “The Last Laugh” on Mondays and “Back in the Day” on Fridays. Wade is also the author of The History Press book “Growing Up In Fairfield, California.”
