Broke Girls ’

Here are some of the Christmas gag gifts I gave this year

Iwould have loved to be doing a recap of the Wade Christmas 2021, but I am writing this on Christmas Eve as my Monday deadline is always Friday. That said, what I can do is run through some of the most excellent gag and (kinda) real gifts I plan to give to my immediate family members tomorrow.

As both of my long-term readers know, we Wades have a tradition going back to the 1980s that we give each other gag gifts. The object is to elicit laughter and my brother Kelvin elevated it to an art form.

I do give real gifts too, but they are mainly nostalgia stuff. One of the places that I had been meaning to visit for years now and kept forgetting to do so was Stacy Rose’s Legendary Letters at 707 Kentucky St.

Her shop handles all outgoing mail for the magical community. Customers can get personalized letters from Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Cupid, the Tooth Fairy, the Wizarding World and more. Years ago, I purchased an acceptance letter from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry from Stacy for my daughter Kaci, but I’d never visited her shop in person until last week.

Some of the coolest stuff she had were collectibles from one of my favorite childhood movies, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” I got a replica Golden Ticket for my wife Beth and bottles of the Fizzy Lifting drinks for my brother Kelvin and his main squeeze Cathi. On the Harry Potter side, uh, Santa may have bought me a wooden carved Slytherin wand (I’m a Raiders fan so the Sorting Hat would definitely put me in Slytherin House).

My fave place to Christmas gift shop is the Cordelia Antique mall. They have so many nostalgic items there like record albums, action figures, lunch boxes, clothing, books and a ton of other stuff. One thing that I wanted to be aware of this year is that when you get older and have had quite a few Christmases and just been living life, space for the stuff that you accumulate over the years starts to become an issue.

I gave Kelvin a Fisher Price Little People airport that I found there in 2019 because it was the same one he had when we were kids. He was briefly transported back decades in time. Now, I have no doubt he later either donated or tossed it because it was kind of a space hog. I ain’t mad at him because I can’t imagine someone 55 years old actually playing with it. Now, someone who is 57 and who looks like the guy that lives in my mirror? Definitely. But 55? Nah.

Anyway, I was able to secure items that for the most part did not demand so much space.

I wrapped all of the presents and since it is still Christmas Eve they all remain covered so I can’t remember what I gave to whom necessarily, and there’s no way I’m going to unwrap them to be sure. That’s because I am the World’s Worst Gift Wrapper. I don’t say that with shame, but instead with pride.

I have always thought it to be the height of folly to carefully and meticulously precision wrap presents so they look like something you had specially gift-wrapped in a store when on Christmas morning they’re just going to be ripped to shreds anyway. So not only are mine sometimes wrapped in mismatched paper because I misjudged how much I needed and had to patch a naked spot, I also have been known to use old Amazon Prime plastic delivery envelopes and brown paper bags as well.

Here are some of the items I got for my family members: n A couple of issues of Pizzazz Magazine from 1978. According to Wikipedia, Pizzazz was a magazine published by Marvel Comics from 1977 to 1979, for a total run of 16 issues. Aimed at youth culture, Pizzazz mostly contained articles about popular movies, rock stars, et cetera, as well as comic strips and puzzles. I was very tempted to keep them for myself, but instead just read them and gave them up. With my claw marks on them. n A California Raisins fingers puppet thingy. It is not a finger puppet that fits on one digit. It is a fingers puppet as it has holes in the back for four of them to make its really freaky smiling head move. n A genuine shoe horn from the old Levee’s in Vallejo. I got it mainly because I can’t remember the last time I saw a shoe horn. I hope my brother Orvis cherishes it forever. n A four ounce A&W glass root beer mug, an “I Love You This Much” figurine from the 1970s like the one my mom used to own and a Taz figurine. Uh, Santa decided to give all those to me for my pop culture loaded man cavern. n Books are always a great gift and I chose a couple of classics that are sure to bring years of delight to their readers. They are “The Art of Scarf Tying” and “The Surgeon General’s Conference on Solid Waste Management.” n Again, I do give real gifts and as many know my brother Kelvin has a fascination for hippopotami. I saw some QHM (Quality Hippo Merchandise) and snatched it up – a 2-foot-long stuffed hippo puppet.

To balance out his joy when he unwraps that will be the look on his face when he opens the Chippendales key chain 3-D viewfinder with shirtless sculpted males wearing Speedos. n Last year, I also got a gift for the whole family. It was a celebrity video message from the online service Cameo. They have lists of famous folks with prices and you can purchase a personalized video clip from them. Last year, it was Larry Wilcox who played on the 1970s TV show “CHiPs.” I chose him mainly because he was $40 and he did a great job.

This year, I wanted to get a Raiders player. Some of my faves were either out of my skinflint price range and others were just not that good at recording messages.

I settled on current Las Vegas Raiders punter A.J. Cole III because of the terrific job he has done pinning opponents deep, changing field position in

tony Wade The last laugh games and being a positive force in the community as well.

Plus he was only $15.

A.J. did not disappoint. He said all my brother’s names, thanked us for being Raiders fans and ended with something I had requested: “Tony, I’m technically not allowed to punt every 49ers fan out of California, but if I could, I would. Go Raiders! Merry Christmas!”

Here is the link to the cameo: https://bit.ly/AJColeWades.

Courtesy photo Tony Wade holds “Proceedings The Surgeon General’s Conference on Solid Waste Management.”

Fairfield freelance humor columnist and accidental local historian Tony Wade writes two weekly columns – “The Last Laugh” on Mondays and “Back in the Day” on Fridays. Wade is also the author of The History Press book “Growing Up In Fairfield, California.”

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