A2 Monday, September 27, 2021 — DAILY REPUBLIC
Courtesy photo
Tony Wade with the pop-up card Sharon Lim made for him.
I have had to get used to these disappointments, Part 2 Inigo Montoya: “Who are you?” Westley: “No one of consequence.” Inigo Montoya: “I must know . . .” Westley: “Get used to disappointment.” — from the movie “The Princess Bride”
Y
es, columns can have sequels, too. I wrote the original one back in June and since I was disappointed that I couldn’t think of anything else to write about for today, I am trotting out this collection of new ones. Some may say it is a rehash, but those who say that have actually never eaten leftover hash – it’s delicious. Like lasagna, it’s better the next day. So there. 1. I am disappointed that there evidently is no annual awards show for the best homemade greeting cards. If there was, the nifty one that Fairfielder Sharon Lim recently made and mailed me would hands-down win Best of Show. I wrote a Saturday Living article on Sharon’s crafty ways back in 2014 and she has only gotten better with time. Her handmade gift blew my mind. It’s a
congratulatory card she pun) anti-vaxx sentimade for the success of ments and while we my book, “Growing Up were on the way to Cal In Fairfield, California.” West Pet Hospital last Sharon’s sister, Annette, week to get his Bordebought a copy for her tella, leptospirosis and and their other five rabies shots, I expected sisters (!) at the him to logically and Tomato Festival. methodically lay out his Tony Wade case and try to convince The card is a popup! The last laugh Sharon could not have me to turn the car known, but I capital L around and let him live Loved pop-up books while his life the way he wanted to. growing up! It has a pop-up Instead, all I got from him picture of my wife Beth and I at were sniveling, whimpering the Tomato Festival with a whines. The sounds he made pop-up Fairfield sign behind us. reminded me of the ones I make The cover says, “No. 1 N. Texas when Beth gives me a Street Bestseller.” “honey-do” list. The coolest thing is that at a 3. I am disappointed that no spaghetti fundraiser for my one has ever mistaken me for friend Irving Scible back in Denzel Washington. 2015, I won a gift certificate 4. I am disappointed that the from Sharon for 25 custom Tom Cruise movie “Minority handmade cards or invitations Report” came out 19 years ago made to order, which I have yet and that cool computer he used to use. So I have 24 left! is still largely science fiction. I Perhaps I have now disaphaven’t seen the movie since it came out and only remember pointed Sharon with my greed. 2. I am disappointed that my two things: Cruise chasing a rolling eyeball he needed to Chiweenie, Chunky Tiberius open a door or something, and Wade, is not the debater that I that killer computer. He used thought he was. I mean, I knew he possessed near-rapid (bonus gestures to touchlessly manipu-
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late and command it like a conductor coaxing complex melodies out of an orchestra or something. Now, I know how to search Google as well as the next guy so I know that gesture-based user interfaces are actually kind of a thing now, but they are not ubiquitous and still nowhere near as cool as the one in “Minority Report” or the ones Tony Stark/Iron Man used in later Marvel films. I mean, c’mon, man! I’m still using a mouse. How quaint! 5. I am disappointed that food scientists are more celebrated than farmers. I was getting some auto repairs done last week and watched as a guy refilled their vending machines. Y’all can do you and I will do me, but the only thing I would actually consume that he put in the machine is bottled water. For me, the brightly packaged edible food-like substances that are so popular bow down to the quiet nutritious delicious superheroes that so many ignore in the produce aisle. Fist bumps to the farmers! 6. I am disappointed that I
have not yet had any takers on my invention. It attaches to your mailbox and when you take some annoying junk mail out, you can feed it through a slot in the front and it will immediately turn that useless waste of paper into beautiful origami animals (crane, duck-bill platypus, velociraptor). 7. I am disappointed that no one who actually likes and watches baseball told me that the Giants were doing so well so I could dust off my championship shirt and once again pretend I have been a longtime fan. 8. I am disappointed that the last time I used this writing device for a column, it was just a cheapskate move to say Happy Birthday to my daughter instead of buying her an actual gift. Oh, wait. Tomorrow is the 28th? Happy Birthday to my wife Beth! Reach Fairfield humor columnist, accidental local historian and author of The History Press book “Growing Up In Fairfield, California” Tony Wade at toekneeweighed@gmail.com.
