Broke Girls ’

Tony Wade with the pop-up card Sharon Lim made for him.

Courtesy photo

I have had to get used to these disappointments, Part 2

Inigo Montoya: “Who are you?”

Westley: “No one of consequence.”

Inigo Montoya: “I must know . . .”

Westley: “Get used to disappointment.” — from the movie “The Princess Bride”

Yes, columns can have sequels, too.

I wrote the original one back in June and since I was disappointed that I couldn’t think of anything else to write about for today, I am trotting out this collection of new ones. Some may say it is a rehash, but those who say that have actually never eaten leftover hash – it’s delicious. Like lasagna, it’s better the next day. So there.

1. I am disappointed that there evidently is no annual awards show for the best

homemade greeting cards. If there was, the nifty one that Fairfielder Sharon Lim recently made and mailed me would hands-down win Best of Show. I wrote a Saturday Living article on Sharon’s crafty ways back in 2014 and she has only gotten better with time. Her handmade gift blew my mind. It’s a congratulatory card she made for the success of my book, “Growing Up In Fairfield, California.” Sharon’s sister, Annette, bought a copy for her and their other five sisters (!) at the Tomato Festival.

The card is a popup! Sharon could not have known, but I capital L Loved pop-up books while growing up! It has a pop-up picture of my wife Beth and I at the Tomato Festival with a pop-up Fairfield sign behind us. The cover says, “No. 1 N. Texas Street Bestseller.”

The coolest thing is that at a spaghetti fundraiser for my friend Irving Scible back in 2015, I won a gift certificate from Sharon for 25 custom handmade cards or invitations made to order, which I have yet to use. So I have 24 left!

Perhaps I have now disappointed Sharon with my greed.

2. I am disappointed that my Chiweenie, Chunky Tiberius Wade, is not the debater that I

thought he was. I mean, I knew he possessed near-rapid (bonus

pun) anti-vaxx sentiments and while we were on the way to Cal West Pet Hospital last week to get his Bordetella, leptospirosis and rabies shots, I expected him to logically and methodically lay out his Tony Wade case and try to convince The last laugh me to turn the car around and let him live his life the way he wanted to. Instead, all I got from him were sniveling, whimpering whines. The sounds he made reminded me of the ones I make when Beth gives me a “honey-do” list.

3. I am disappointed that no one has ever mistaken me for Denzel Washington. 4. I am disappointed that the Tom Cruise movie “Minority Report” came out 19 years ago and that cool computer he used

is still largely science fiction. I haven’t seen the movie since it came out and only remember two things: Cruise chasing a rolling eyeball he needed to open a door or something, and that killer computer. He used gestures to touchlessly manipulate and command it like a conductor coaxing complex melodies out of an orchestra or something.

Now, I know how to search Google as well as the next guy so I know that gesture-based user interfaces are actually kind of a thing now, but they are not ubiquitous and still nowhere near as cool as the one in “Minority Report” or the ones Tony Stark/Iron Man used in later Marvel films. I mean, c’mon, man! I’m still using a mouse. How quaint!

5. I am disappointed that food scientists are more

celebrated than farmers. I was getting some auto repairs done last week and watched as a guy refilled their vending machines. Y’all can do you and I will do me, but the only thing I would actually consume that he put in the machine is bottled water. For me, the brightly packaged edible food-like substances that are so popular bow down to the quiet nutritious delicious superheroes that so many ignore in the produce aisle. Fist bumps to the farmers!

6. I am disappointed that I have not yet had any takers on

my invention. It attaches to your mailbox and when you take some annoying junk mail out, you can feed it through a slot in the front and it will immediately turn that useless waste of paper into beautiful origami animals (crane, duck-bill platypus, velociraptor).

7. I am disappointed that no one who actually likes and watches baseball told me that the Giants were doing so well so I could dust off my championship shirt and once again pretend I have been a longtime fan. 8. I am disappointed that the last time I used this writing device for a column, it was just a cheapskate move to say Happy Birthday to my daughter instead of buying her an actual

gift. Oh, wait. Tomorrow is the 28th? Happy Birthday to my wife Beth!

Reach Fairfield humor columnist, accidental local historian and author of The History Press book “Growing Up In Fairfield, California” Tony Wade at toekneeweighed@gmail.com.

brighT spot

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