A2 Monday, June 28, 2021 — DAILY REPUBLIC
I have had to get used to these disappointments Unfortunately, I don’t drink Budweiser, or any other alcoholic beverages for that matter. Next, I vowed never to ride a Clydesdale ever again. Then I remembered that I’ve never ridden a Clydesdale or Tony Wade any other horse in my hat advice from life besides those plastic The last laugh Westley, aka The merry-go-round ones Dread Pirate Roberts, has (and I was terrified). served me well. In fact, I had Now, I still am going to adopted that policy way before I pooper scoop behind other even saw the movie for equines in the parade, and in the first time. order to help me get used to my For example, I was disapdisappointment, I have rented a pointed when I discovered that realistic Clydesdale costume for jumping off of Joe Pyle’s roof in one of the horses to wear. Virginia didn’t result in my 2. The actual man behind flying superpowers kicking in, the Marvel Cameos: Waterfront but getting the wind knocked Comics owner John Harter out of me and having a sore left suggested a book to me a while ankle. I was disappointed that back which I finally read – my oldest brother OT sold a box “True Believer: The Rise and full of comic books – many of Fall of Stan Lee” by Abraham them mine – to a neighborhood Riesman. It is a sobering tome kid for 75 cents. I was disapabout the Marvel Comics icon pointed that my parents were that separates fact from fiction. disappointed when I told them that when I grew up I wanted to The Stan Lee of the comics I started reading 45 years ago – be a Sweathog like Freddy wise crackin’, in command, “Boom Boom” Washington inventor of the Marvel Universe from “Welcome Back, Kotter.” who made awesome cameos in But enough about the past – numerous Marvel movies – is here are some recent painted as a bitter, vainglorious disappointments I have had old dude who took credit for to get used to. other people’s ideas. 1. Clydesdales dream And that’s not even the worst smashed: I wrote last week stuff. It was awful to read about about how tantalizing close I how dysfunctional his family was to fulfilling a longtime was and all the horrible dream – to be a volunteer business deals he made and so pooper scooper behind the much more. I think the saddest world-famous Budweiser part was the description of a Clydesdales as they proudly viral video (still on YouTube) of prance through downtown nonagenarian Stan being Fairfield in our Fourth manipulated by a guy who was of July parade. supposedly his friend and Well, actually shortly after my print deadline I heard from manager who had to tell him how to spell his own name each the city of Fairfield that my time he autographed memoraservices in that regard would bilia at a Silicon Valley not be needed as the mighty comic con. steeds had their own team of While I did like the book, I pooper scoopers. I was crushed. I lashed out angrily. First, I kinda wish John Harter had vowed to boycott Budweiser. gone all Morpheus on me and Inigo Montoya: “Who are you?”Westley: “No one of consequence.” Inigo Montoya: “I must know . . .”Westley: “Get used to disappointment.” — from the movie “The Princess Bride”
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Tony Wade was disappointed to find out that Westley the Dread Pirate Roberts was so small. asked me if I wanted the red pill (to uncover hard truths) or the blue pill (to remain blissfully unaware). I may have chosen the latter. 3. Fast, furious and futile: I am disappointed that Hollywood continues to make movies that feature car chases and car crashes. I haven’t seen any of the “Fast and Furious” movies and won’t be seeing the newest, “F9.” I would only be disappointed because the greatest car chase/crash sequence committed to film was captured more than 40 years ago and cannot be surpassed: “The Blues Brothers.” 4. Getting in sync with my wife: I am disappointed that after being married for more than 26 years, my wife Beth and I often can’t seem to make our schedules mesh nicely. For example, she feels that morn-
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ings are the perfect time to do some quiet mediation when actually everyone knows that is the best time to blast Judas Priest while in the shower. 5. Voice throwers: I have gotten used to being disappointed that ventriloquists are just not as popular today as when I was growing up. I remember Edger Bergen and Charlie McCarthy, Willie Tyler and Lester and Chuck and Bob on the TV show “Soap,” among others. It seemed like everyone had a dummy, even Fred Sanford, who had a big one. I was so enamored of those who threw their voice that I even mailed a hard-earned buck to a company listed in the back of a comic book to learn how to become a ventriloquist. I was disappointed that it was a ripoff – just a thing you stuck inside your cheek that made a
sound like a wounded duckling. 6. Audiobook binging: I am disappointed that I’ve allowed myself to become addicted to Blake Pierce murder mystery audiobooks. I have long been baffled as to why that particular genre is so popular, then I listened to one of Pierce’s books – while walking in the mornings – about Boston detective Avery Black and was hooked. One of the things I love is that they are narrated by an English woman named Elaine Wise, who is fantastic. Somehow having a story set in Boston that features a woman with an accent from across the pond scratches me right where I itch. I tried to quit binge-listening to them and immediately went into withdrawals – shaking, sweating, the whole deal. I need help. 7. My daughter grew up: I have gotten used to being disappointed that my daughter didn’t do what my dog does – basically stay a kid that doesn’t ever grow up. I miss sitting down and drawing and coloring with her and then posting our work in the garage on what we called The Great Wall of Art. I miss being able to tell her ridiculous falsehoods like I was a Jedi Knight who used to be a unicorn and have her (kinda) believe me. I miss being able to pick her up with one hand and hold her over my head. But those minor disappointments are trumped by how happy I am that she has grown into a remarkable woman who I am proud of and that she is happy and has found love with a wonderful man, James. Happy Birthday, Kaci, I love you! I hope you are not disappointed that instead of an actual birthday gift I gave you a paragraph! Reach Fairfield humor columnist and local accidental historian Tony Wade at toekneeweighed@gmail.com.
