Broke Girls ’

I have had to get used to these disappointments

Inigo Montoya: “Who are you?”Westley: “No one of consequence.” Inigo Montoya: “I must know . . .”Westley: “Get used to disappointment.” — from the movie “The Princess Bride”

That advice from Westley, aka The Dread Pirate Roberts, has served me well. In fact, I had adopted that policy way before I even saw the movie for the first time.

For example, I was disappointed when I discovered that jumping off of Joe Pyle’s roof in Virginia didn’t result in my flying superpowers kicking in, but getting the wind knocked out of me and having a sore left ankle. I was disappointed that my oldest brother OT sold a box full of comic books – many of them mine – to a neighborhood kid for 75 cents. I was disappointed that my parents were disappointed when I told them that when I grew up I wanted to be a Sweathog like Freddy “Boom Boom” Washington from “Welcome Back, Kotter.”

But enough about the past – here are some recent disappointments I have had to get used to.

1. Clydesdales dream

smashed: I wrote last week about how tantalizing close I was to fulfilling a longtime dream – to be a volunteer pooper scooper behind the world-famous Budweiser Clydesdales as they proudly prance through downtown Fairfield in our Fourth of July parade.

Well, actually shortly after my print deadline I heard from the city of Fairfield that my services in that regard would not be needed as the mighty steeds had their own team of pooper scoopers. I was crushed. I lashed out angrily. First, I vowed to boycott Budweiser. Unfortunately, I don’t drink Budweiser, or any other alcoholic beverages for that matter. Next, I vowed never to ride a Clydesdale ever again. Then I remembered that I’ve never ridden a Clydesdale or any other horse in my life besides those plastic merry-go-round ones (and I was terrified).

Now, I still am going to pooper scoop behind other equines in the parade, and in order to help me get used to my disappointment, I have rented a realistic Clydesdale costume for one of the horses to wear.

2. The actual man behind

the Marvel Cameos: Waterfront Comics owner John Harter suggested a book to me a while back which I finally read – “True Believer: The Rise and Fall of Stan Lee” by Abraham Riesman. It is a sobering tome about the Marvel Comics icon that separates fact from fiction. The Stan Lee of the comics I started reading 45 years ago – wise crackin’, in command, inventor of the Marvel Universe who made awesome cameos in numerous Marvel movies – is painted as a bitter, vainglorious old dude who took credit for other people’s ideas.

And that’s not even the worst stuff. It was awful to read about how dysfunctional his family was and all the horrible business deals he made and so much more. I think the saddest part was the description of a viral video (still on YouTube) of nonagenarian Stan being manipulated by a guy who was supposedly his friend and manager who had to tell him how to spell his own name each time he autographed memorabilia at a Silicon Valley comic con.

While I did like the book, I kinda wish John Harter had gone all Morpheus on me and asked me if I wanted the red pill (to uncover hard truths) or the blue pill (to remain blissfully unaware). I may have chosen the latter. 3. Fast, furious and futile: I am disappointed that Hollywood continues to make movies that feature car chases and car crashes. I haven’t seen any of the “Fast and Furious” movies and won’t be seeing the newest, “F9.” I would only be disappointed because the greatest car chase/crash sequence committed to film was captured more than 40 years ago and cannot be surpassed: “The Blues Brothers.”

4. Getting in sync with my

wife: I am disappointed that after being married for more than 26 years, my wife Beth and I often can’t seem to make our schedules mesh nicely. For example, she feels that mornings are the perfect time to do some quiet mediation when actually everyone knows that is the best time to blast Judas Priest while in the shower. 5. Voice throwers: I have gotten used to being disappointed that ventriloquists are just not as popular today as when I was growing up. I remember Edger Bergen and Charlie McCarthy, Willie Tyler and Lester and Chuck and Bob on the TV show “Soap,” among others. It seemed like everyone had a dummy, even Fred Sanford, who had a big one. I was so enamored of those who threw their voice that I even mailed a hard-earned buck to a company listed in the back of a comic book to learn how to become a ventriloquist. I was disappointed that it was a ripoff – just a thing you stuck inside your cheek that made a

sound like a wounded duckling. 6. Audiobook binging: I am disappointed that I’ve allowed myself to become addicted to Blake Pierce murder mystery audiobooks. I have long been baffled as to why that particular genre is so popular, then I listened to one of Pierce’s Tony Wade books – while walking in the The last laugh mornings – about Boston detective Avery Black and was hooked. One of the things I love is that they are narrated by an English woman named Elaine Wise, who is fantastic. Somehow having a story set in Boston that features a woman with an accent from across the pond scratches me right where I itch. I tried to quit binge-listening to them and immediately went into withdrawals – shaking, sweating, the whole deal. I need help. 7. My daughter grew up: I have gotten used to being disappointed that my daughter didn’t do what my dog does – basically stay a kid that doesn’t ever grow up. I miss sitting down and drawing and coloring with her and then posting our work in the garage on what we called The Great Wall of Art. I miss being able to tell her ridiculous falsehoods like I was a Jedi Knight who used to be a unicorn and have her (kinda) believe me. I miss being able to pick her up with one hand and hold her over my head. But those minor disappointments are trumped by how happy I am that she has grown into a remarkable woman who I am proud of and that she is happy and has found love with a wonderful man, James. Happy Birthday, Kaci, I love you! I hope you are not disappointed that instead of an actual birthday gift I gave you a paragraph!

Courtesy photo Tony Wade was disappointed to find out that Westley the Dread Pirate Roberts was so small.

Reach Fairfield humor columnist and local accidental historian Tony Wade at toekneeweighed@gmail.com.

brighT spot

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