A2 Monday, June 14, 2021 — DAILY REPUBLIC
Dinner and a movie? No, surgery and a humor column
W
ell, this is defimean, the staff took nitely a first. I am X-rays, blood and I was writing this especially impressed column Thursday in when one nurse stuck a Room 319 at Kaiser Covid-19 swab so far up Permanente Vacaville my nostril it stuck out Medical Center. I know my ear. Within minutes that your Monday I was able to view the morning chuckles are results on my phone. Tony Wade Compared to some of important to you so The last laugh you’re welcome. the stuff they used to do So here is the basic 15 years ago, it was like situation: I noticed that I had an the difference between modern infection last Sunday and hoped medicine and using leeches it would improve, but it did not. to draw blood. By Wednesday night, the pain The nurses and technicians woke me up faster than that all used these cool standup terrifying nightmare I once had rolling laptop work stations and that I was a 49ers fan. uh . . . one of those just may I ain’t going into all the come up missing. Shhhhhhhh. details of the surgery because: And the hospital bed? That (1) Duh! Ever heard bad boy could recline, sit up, of HIPAA laws? had a built-in scale and could (2) Everything ain’t all operate the TV. I was scheming y’all’s bidniss. to somehow sneak one out and Now, I did, of course, make take it home using the method the obligatory Facebook pioneered by Davy Jones at the Sympathy Post™ letting folks beginning montage of know I was here so they could “The Monkees.” send me well-wishes, prayers It can seem cold and a bit and emojis, and I thank each antiseptic in a hospital room, and every one of you for your but where else can you get one kindness and concern. You can’t of those oxygen fingertip put a price tag on that, but I did thingies that glows red and include my Venmo information pretend you’re E.T.? just in case someone “Elliott. Ouch!” actually could. One thing that was definitely I haven’t been to Kaiser for new and fits into the CYA something this serious in about category, is the skin check. Two 15 years. That year, 2006, was a nurses checked my entire body humdinger. I had four surgeries before the surgery and noted that year. If I had gotten just anything that was amiss. I don’t one more I would have received mean like webbed feet or four a set of Kaiser steak knives. By extra ear lobes, but things like the way, do me a favor and if you arrived there with never tell anyone I used the bedsores or something. That term “humdinger.” way folks can’t claim later that Things have changed Kaiser gave them to them. I mightily since those days. I understood why they did it, but
Courtesy photos
Tony Wade before his surgery, posing with his R2D2 unit, and that weird sign in the bathroom. I couldn’t help but feel like they were examining me the way a tow truck driver does before hauling away an illegally parked car. In the bathroom there was a sign that said “Caution: Do not put hands in toilet! It contains a sharp device that can cause injury.” Two things: I’ve been around for 57 years now and no one has ever had to tell me not to put my hands in the toilet, much less make a sign. And why is there a sharp device in the . . . you know what? I don’t wanna know. On the wall near the door was a dry erase board called “Your Care Journey.” It had the room and phone number on it and left spaces for you to personalize it.
In my case, that might have been a mistake. Here’s what I added. Preferred Name: The possibilities were nearly endless. Your Highness? Your Eminence? Bubba? Phineas? Horatio? I settled on a phonetic spelling of one of those Namibian popping and clicking names from the movie “The Gods Must Be Crazy.” Your Goals and Activities: Uh, have surgery and write a humor column. Number of Staff Needed to Safely Move You: I left this one blank, but it reminded me of 2003 when me and my oldest brother OT went to San Diego because our dad had suffered a stroke. They had to move him and my dad, like me and OT,
was a big guy. Well, when the moving crew came we had to laugh because they were a couple of Oompa Loompas. Preferred Language: Klingon. Family Contact: I wrote my wife Beth’s name but included in parenthesis that she narrowly beat out our Chiweenie Chunky in rock, paper, scissors. Please Tell Us If You Hurt: Yes, my Lakers got eliminated in the first round of the playoffs. Oh, and being a wiseacre on a hospital whiteboard is all fun and games until you accidentally use a permanent marker. Reach Fairfield humor columnist and accidental local historian Tony Wade at toekneeweighed@gmail.
bright spot
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