Broke Girls ’

Dinner and a movie? No, surgery and a humor column

Well, this is defi- mean, the staff took nitely a first. I am X-rays, blood and I was writing this especially impressed column Thursday in when one nurse stuck a Room 319 at Kaiser Covid-19 swab so far up Permanente Vacaville my nostril it stuck out Medical Center. I know my ear. Within minutes that your Monday I was able to view the morning chuckles are important to you so Tony Wade results on my phone. Compared to some of you’re welcome. The last laugh the stuff they used to do

So here is the basic 15 years ago, it was like situation: I noticed that I had an the difference between modern infection last Sunday and hoped medicine and using leeches it would improve, but it did not. to draw blood. By Wednesday night, the pain The nurses and technicians woke me up faster than that all used these cool standup terrifying nightmare I once had rolling laptop work stations and that I was a 49ers fan. uh . . . one of those just may

I ain’t going into all the come up missing. Shhhhhhhh. details of the surgery because: And the hospital bed? That (1) Duh! Ever heard bad boy could recline, sit up, of HIPAA laws? had a built-in scale and could (2) Everything ain’t all operate the TV. I was scheming y’all’s bidniss. to somehow sneak one out and

Now, I did, of course, make take it home using the method the obligatory Facebook pioneered by Davy Jones at the I couldn’t help but feel like they In my case, that might have was a big guy. Well, when the Sympathy Post™ letting folks beginning montage of were examining me the way a been a mistake. Here’s moving crew came we had to know I was here so they could “The Monkees.” tow truck driver does before what I added. laugh because they were a send me well-wishes, prayers It can seem cold and a bit hauling away an illegally Preferred Name: The couple of Oompa Loompas. and emojis, and I thank each antiseptic in a hospital room, parked car. possibilities were nearly Preferred Language: and every one of you for your but where else can you get one In the bathroom there was a endless. Your Highness? Your Klingon. kindness and concern. You can’t of those oxygen fingertip sign that said “Caution: Do not Eminence? Bubba? Phineas? Family Contact: I wrote my put a price tag on that, but I did thingies that glows red and put hands in toilet! It contains a Horatio? I settled on a phonetic wife Beth’s name but included include my Venmo information pretend you’re E.T.? sharp device that can cause spelling of one of those Namib- in parenthesis that she narjust in case someone “Elliott. Ouch!” injury.” Two things: I’ve been ian popping and clicking names rowly beat out our Chiweenie actually could. One thing that was definitely around for 57 years now and no from the movie “The Gods Chunky in rock, paper, scissors.

I haven’t been to Kaiser for new and fits into the CYA one has ever had to tell me not Must Be Crazy.” Please Tell Us If You Hurt: something this serious in about category, is the skin check. Two to put my hands in the toilet, Your Goals and Activities: Yes, my Lakers got eliminated 15 years. That year, 2006, was a nurses checked my entire body much less make a sign. And Uh, have surgery and write a in the first round of the playoffs. humdinger. I had four surgeries before the surgery and noted why is there a sharp device in humor column. Oh, and being a wiseacre on that year. If I had gotten just anything that was amiss. I don’t the . . . you know what? I Number of Staff Needed to a hospital whiteboard is all fun one more I would have received mean like webbed feet or four don’t wanna know. Safely Move You: I left this one and games until you accidena set of Kaiser steak knives. By extra ear lobes, but things like On the wall near the door blank, but it reminded me of tally use a permanent marker. the way, do me a favor and if you arrived there with was a dry erase board called 2003 when me and my oldest never tell anyone I used the bedsores or something. That “Your Care Journey.” It had the brother OT went to San Diego term “humdinger.” way folks can’t claim later that room and phone number on it because our dad had suffered a

Things have changed Kaiser gave them to them. I and left spaces for you to stroke. They had to move him mightily since those days. I understood why they did it, but personalize it. and my dad, like me and OT,

Courtesy photos

Tony Wade before his surgery, posing with his R2D2 unit, and that weird sign in the bathroom.

Reach Fairfield humor columnist and accidental local historian Tony Wade at toekneeweighed@gmail.

brighT spot

CorreCtion poliCy

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