“A PERSON WHO ACTS AS HIS OWN ATTORNEY HAS A FOOL AS A CLIENT” Everyone’s heard this (although I couldn’t locate its author.) Sadly it’s often true as well for those intrepid business people who prepare their own returns. We know this because we always review the prior year returns of new clients, and it’s all too common for the inexperienced to make mistakes - including missing large tax breaks. If you’re preparing your own returns, it might pay to at least have them looked at by a competent professional. If you’re doing well, you’ll know. If you’re not, well, then it was a darn good idea, huh? And if you ask nicely, we’ll do it for free. It only takes about 15 minutes.
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30
FEBRUARY 9, 2006
CLASSIFIED
HOLOHOLOGIRL
Who You Are
BY SAMANTHA CAMPOS SAM@MAUITIME.COM
You fucking rock. You filled out my survey and you guys told me stuff. Really deep shit, too—like, you hike naked and you love it when I swear. I think I am in love with each and every one of you. If what you say is correct, 52.9 percent of you are female. Most are single, having “avoided marriage diligently and successfully,” and ranging in age from 22 to 60 years old, or as one of you put, “somewhere between busy being born and busy dyin’.” Also, many of you say you’re too old for me but damn, you look good for your age!—which, on average, is 35. You’re across the board on a couple of things—namely, your astrological and Chinese signs—due in no small part to some of you either refusing to answer “on the grounds that astrology is ridiculous,” or claiming that you were born in the year of “Moo Goo Gai Pan.” But what’s endearing to me is some of the cool stuff you do for a living, as well as the really cool stuff you’d like to do. Accountants want to be philosophers. Lawyers long to be artists. Artists want to be musicians. Salespeople yearn to be firemen, investigative reporters, novelists, dancers, world travelers, 24/7 stoners and lazy muthafuckas. Meanwhile, actors are giving up radio voice-over to be jewelry designers. Others are shunning “bartending with stripper fantasies unfulfilled” to be estheticians. It just brings a tear to my eye. You love everything about Maui, especially when you’re horseback riding, smoking cigarettes, surfing, drinking cold Coronas and cruising with the dogs—and that’s just the girls! Back in the yard, the manlier of you are wishing on the moon, singing, cooking, reading, walking on the beach alone, and “writing music, eating fried chicken, drinking bourbon and masturbating.” Nice. When it comes to vices, weed seems to come up a lot. Well, that and Maui wowie, paka lolo, Mary Jane, buds and “writing music, eating fried chicken, drinking bourbon and masturbating” again. You LOVE watching Lost and the Daily Show. You listen to everything, from Kathleen Battle to the Black-Eyed Peas, Erasure to kiho’alu, bluegrass to booty shakin’, and reggae, reggae, reggae. Your literary and cinematic tastes are just as varied. From The Dance of the Dissident Daughter to Secrets of the I Ching, you women are mostly reading as a means of cultural exploration and self-discovery. Oh, the guys are, too, what with Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, Blinding Light and your new cell phone manual. Most of you aren’t going out that much—one night a week, on average—but more women are drinking at home or on the beach, while the guys are racking up “30 or so” Cuervo Gold shots in “hell” every week. But what’s curious to me is while Patron and Jagermeister are the shots you prefer, they’re also the same shots you will never have again since that one time when you were 16 or went to that Cinco de Mayo thing in ’98. And most of you have had a lot of sex but aren’t right now. Speaking of sex, the girls love Colin Farrell, Johnny Knoxville and Angelina Jolie, while the guys—I don’t think they understood the question. It’s which celebrity would you most like to have sex with, not which hedonistic heathen who has a column in MTW—which most of you have been reading since the beginning, so thank you. And apparently, I’ll be hanging out in Kihei a lot more. Now let’s get to the part about ME. You like me, for the most part—at least, those of you who filled out the survey. I really do appreciate your very kind words; that you can relate to some of my experiences, that you’re living vicariously through me, that you like my honesty (and yes, it is all true) and that you find this column “usually entertaining… when it isn’t, at least it’s short.” As for your grievances—I, too, would like more Jen stories, would love to write for your town, believe alcohol is lame (largely), realize I may be perceived as “calling out for love/help,” that I can be silly and that I am triggering “a flashback to one of those evil lingering hangovers, the kind that creeps up on you and no amount of Ibuprofen, coffee or junk food can keep at bay—once, I thought I could actually smell the tequila.” And you overwhelmingly think I’m crazy for thinking David Letterman is hot. Still, I’m your kind of girl. And we should totally hang out. A horrifying lot of you have no idea who Anthony Pignataro is—um, he’s the editor of this paper and my direct supervisor. A large number of you believe he is a tyrant, although you appear to be confused as to why: “If by Anthony Pignataro you mean Jessica Alba and by cigar-chomping bully you mean delightfully delicious, then yes, I do.” And apparently, the rest of you think he’s “kinda cute in the pictures, maybe boyish,” “a darling huggy-bear of a guy,” “a closeted Republican” and a “nice ol’ school fart.” Either way, you think a cigar-chomping bully is “better than an icesmoking pussy.” We have a lot in common, you and I. Nice to meet you. MTW