Matrescence
Feed
Matrescence (noun)
the process of becoming a mother: Those physical, psychological and emotional changes you go through after the birth of your child now have a name: matrescence.
the last of the breast milk
I worried constantly that you were hungry And felt so disappointed in myself Feed, express. Repeat. I saw how hard you were trying too The lint grasped tightly as treasure in your tiny fists My success measured measu in ounces and grams Plotted on a chart Your toothless drunken smile Milk dribbling down your chin Your fists finally unfurled A moment of relief
Feelings from a year of breastfeeding Humiliation, having colostrum syringed as I lay shaking outside theatre Worry, was I doing it right? Was he drinking enough? Anger, at the nurse who told me on Day 2 my Ange son was starving Appreciation, for the nurse who told me right after he was fine, I was determined, we'd get there Pain, from the bad latches and blocked milk ducts and cracked nipples Happiness, a rush of hormones once we'd got the hang of it Contentment, feeding to sleep for our afternoon nap Wonder, look how he grows – from milk alone! Embarrassment, spraying out the car door at the Sainsbury's trolley man Relief, of a full breast b drained Peace and love, just me and him and the owls Ease, feeding here, there and everywhere Guilt, looking at my phone instead of him Pride, having persevered Regret, about stopping his evening bottle to EBF Overwhelm and strength, st being his only source of sustenance
Exhaustion, from the never-ending night feeds Sadness, he won't need me this way for long Annoyance, at the grabbing and pulling and biting and tweaking Frustration, why does he feed so much? Why won't he take a bottle now? Fed up, of nursing bras and milk stains and always having my tits out Gratitude, for my hungry, healthy almost-toddler Excitement, about reclaiming my body
July 2 2019, 4.45am
I sit in the same spot That same chair Look out of the window To that same tree A weeping willow... Then I letdown
A zine exploring early motherhood matrescencezine@gmail.com Instagram @matrescence_zine