Matrescence
Beginning
Matrescence (noun)
the process of becoming a mother: Those physical, psychological and emotional changes you go through after the birth of your child now have a name: matrescence.
Crowning Slippery heaving, heading Outwards into blue plastic Pushing against my knees Breathe Burning Pressure bursting Head emerging Hanging downwards into water Frantic arms flaying Twist upwards into arms A hot pink totality
Yours, Sincerely All this unstoppable love All hot and sweet Feelings of total despair Time on my own I don’t want you to try and help me Leave me alone Naked in a completely unself-conscious way Shush shush Sugar puff
Child’s Pose Papa/Pupper (Amid the vivid blur of your birth, I misheard when the midwife called you bubba) In all my fuzzy-brained pregnancy p dreams, I could never have imagined you or our first days together Co-sleeping, right from the start, though it’s the last thing I thought I'd do During those long, hot summer nights only blueberry Nutri-Grain bars and Cruise Holidays from Hell kept me awake to feed you Now there’s no lights, no snacks, as you curl onto your side and clip on with both hands, like a dormouse clutching an acorn We wake from our soft, broken half-sleep warm and milky Your dark, patchy hair smelling sweet as honey and vaguely like Marmite Or is that my feeding hunger talking? Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh you say when you want to get up and play, greet the day, uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh Okay okay I reply, just a minute, let me stretch How to ease this aching back... Child's Pose
What I crave... Silence Unbroken sleep Time and space to stretch out my body Time to sing Time to dance Sunshine Quality time with Sam Time with my sewing machine Time to play guitar A really good laugh A garden A full body massage A family road trip in a camper van Mental clarity Closure on a traumatic birth experience Time to draw and paint Creativity An end to constant low level anxiety Time out
A zine exploring early motherhood matrescencezine@gmail.com Instagram @matrescence_zine Matrescence Š 2020