Master Mouse Patrol - Edition One

MASTER MOUSE PATROL.

THIS IS A FREE MAGAZINE

Welcome to The Crease.

THIS MAGAZINE IS 100% CELEBRITY GOSSIP FREE

Growing up I was lucky enough to have parents and siblings who encouraged me at all times. Well, most of the time. When I was throwing a tantrum because I didn’t get pancakes for dinner the love wasn’t exactly free !"#$%&'()(#*+(,*-&.,(,.*,(%",.$%&(#*+(-%*/.$01*230($4()(#*+(#$33$%&(,"(#"56(.*57(*%7(,.*,(%"($70*(#*+(,""( +$338'(9.$/.($+(:5"2*238(#.8(#.0%()(+,*5,07(/*33$%&(;8+034(<*;-03(=*+,05(="-+0(>*,5"3(#.0%()(#*+(?10@(%"( one seemed to mind. They probably expected it.

I believe a forum that encourages people of any age to think about, explore and share ideas that are exciting and challenging is essential in today’s society. A free magazine that explored these ideas through opinions, conversation and observations would be a great thing indeed. Now we have both that forum and, in the form of the thing you hold in your hand, that magazine — MASTER MOUSE PATROL. Founded by three Kiwis, developed in Sydney, designed by an American in NYC, with contributors from all parts including the UK, Hong Kong and Russia, this magazine is, without doubt, new and unique. In 12 months we — the Master Mouse Crew — have created a company, developed a website (where we publish a new article each day) and created a magazine. It is fair to say I’m bloody proud of our efforts to date.

So even though you probably shouldn’t listen to someone who idolises Ridge from The Bold and The Beautiful, I really do hope you enjoy and cherish this publication as much as I do.

Enthusiastically,

Samuel Williamson Director, Editor and Founder Master Mouse Patrol — Sexy, yet polite.

!!!"!#$%&'$()&"*#")+

www.thebenah.com

Famous Defamer Denise L’Estrange­Corbet Take A Christmas Cruise Saki Williamson State of The Nation — New Zealand Eion Castles State of The Nation — Australia !"#$%&'()*+,%&&

1st Half

Magazines Today Bambi The Photographer Harvey Benge You Should Be Into This Budding Grove

Our Australia Graz, Huw Bennet and Hungry Fran Overheard Peter Shand PhD Pretty Beautiful Helene Ravlich From Yugoslavia — With Death.

Lindsay Horner Highgate Al Cheval If You Hate This, I Hate You SBW and Bambi

Celebrity Lookalikes MMP Crew

Inter­ mission

Social Experiment: The Slice SBW Godhunter Jooles Clements Hungry Fran Fran Fogarty Our New Zealand Johnny The Schnitz and Shaebodine Men At Work Ryan Frank Roaming Reporter Mackaveli Undertow Peter Shand PhD America For Free Chachi Bonch Dear Bambi Bambi

2nd Half

I’m With The President Simon Moskva

THE PAGES AS THEY TURN.

EDITION ONE. Editor & Floor Manager Haberdashery SAMUEL WILLIAMSON

— Cultural Attaché & Papier­mâché BENNY CASTLES

Oil Magnate & Avocado Lobbyist RICHIE WILDMAN

— Banker & Redneck SAMUEL UFFINDELL

Chef & Legal Aid FRANCESCA FOGARTY

Ranter, Raver & Mariah Carey BAMBI

Design & Bear Hugs CARA WALSH

Samuel Williamson would like to thank the people who made this possible… The other two of the Master Mouse Three — Benny Castles & Richie Wildman — without your sexually suggestive emails, hassles, propellers, comedy, energy, genius, oil, ciggies, enthusiasm and overall brilliance I would still be dreaming of making a magazine. Lara Goodridge for believing in the young pup. Franny for her passion. Chaffe for resembling Peter Siddle. Cara for her brilliant work designing the mag, cheer girl.

George and Emma for their stellar work sub editing. Juliana for taking care of the books! Those who took a punt choosing to be our sponsors and advertisers — most notably WORLD and Craving Records, good bloody on you. Lindsay Horner — you’re the fuckin man, love you buddy. Those who contributed in this mag — you all blow my mind. Without you this would be 90 pages of complete and utter bullshit. Thank God you got involved. To our regular website contributors — you set the standard, bravo.

Thanks to my incredible friends and family for all your support … especially my daddio Geoff.

PRINTED IN NEW ZEALAND BY GEON PRINT & COMMUNICATION SOLUTIONS © 2010 MASTER MOUSE PATROL. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. SAMUEL MASTER MOUSE PATROL T/A MASTER MOUSE PATROL. ACN 135 401 268. ABN 69 135 401 268. PO BOX 229, WOOLLAHRA, NSW 1350, AUSTRALIA. ALL ENQUIRIES PLEASE EMAIL FEEDBACK@MASTERMOUSEPATROL.COM

Photography Contributors: LOU HATTON, TANE COFFIN AND ANASTASIA BLADES

This magazine is dedicated to our Mums and Dads.

LOU HATTON

NEW ZEALAND, AOTEAROA,

LAND OF THE LONG WHITE CLOUD — THE SHAKY ISLES

State of the Nation NEW ZEALAND After being a scholar at the London School of Economics, and practicing law in New Zealand for the past 30 years, EION CASTLES'-.'*+"&&/'0%",/')10'.1#%1+%'21'&-.2%+'21'3-#4

Having survived the recession (so John Key says) a battered and bruised Aotearoa is girding its loins for 2010. What will it be like? How will Aotearoa handle it? Does anyone care?

Not, so it seems, the patrons of the Boxing Day Races — a jewel in the Auckland social calendar.

Finely attired women in high heels and red lip­ stick accompanied by elegantly dressed men made their way to Ellerslie for fun, fashion and frivolity.

Not a Hanover or Blue Chip investor to be seen.

Aren’t we lucky!? This is not Kabul, Baghdad, Beirut, Tehran or Islamabad — no shardors to be seen, but if there were, what would they think?

As the afternoon wears on the elegance turns to disheveled and poised to unbalanced. Mascara starts to run and lipstick misses the lips. Romances +,*5,@(!"-5$+.(*%7(7$0(*33($%(,.0(,$;0($,(,*60+(,"( down a glass of Deutz. The next day is when the counting is done.

Aotearoa is living the morning after. Years of distorted consumption have come home to roost.

But have we learnt any lessons? Certainly our houses aren’t worth what we thought they were and our jobs are a bit shaky but, hey, we live in God’s own little country — she’ll be right mate!

Someone will take care of us. Look, the price of milk powder has risen and the farmer is feeling much better as he reaches for another Steinie from the fridge on his deck at his bach in Papamoa.

Real estate agents are back on Ponsonby Road drinking lattes and bemoaning the fact that they haven’t enough listings. Is this all real? Can we go on as we did before, as if nothing happened?

Free health, free education, free welfare and free lunches. We have a welfare system that has gone from the bizarre to the macabre. What society would allow a convicted murderer, shot by police whilst on the run from a second murder, to be provided #$,.(*(ABC@CCC(*5,$?/$*3(30&(4500("4(/.*5&0(#.$/.( he then uses to chase a third possible victim around a prison kitchen trying to stab him to death? His defence, provided free of charge on legal aid, was that he did not intend to kill the hapless fellow inmate. We have lost control of our own destiny.

We no longer know whether it is right or wrong to smack our children. Fortunately the government knows best!

Will there be enough people to pay for this? Will those people want to pay for it? Will the farmer come to the rescue again? Will the 15% of the populace who produce all the wealth continue to do so? Regrettably they cannot. There isn’t enough milk powder in the world to pay the tab. How then do we satisfy the insatiable demand that New Zealanders have for free this and free that and 30 channels of colour TV? The solutions are there for all to see. Cut government spending and place greater responsibility on the individual.

D-,(-%4"5,-%*,038@(3$60(,.0(?%038(*,,$507(5*/0E&"05@( Aotearoa has not learnt the lesson. Notwith­ standing the hangover, the race­goer will be back next year for the Boxing Day Races. In the mean­ time who will save Aotearoa? Sadly John Key is more concerned with his political security than facing the real issues. So perhaps the answer lies with Chinese yoghurt eaters or the Texan oil and gas man.

In the nation known as Australia, and as Straya to Australians, there can be no question follow­ ing the turmoil of 2009 that the aptly self­dubbed titles of The Great Southern Land and The Lucky Country( ?,( *+( /";4"5,*238( *+( F$/68( >"%,$%&G+( baggy green.

State of the Nation AUSTRALIA A Political Studies Honours Student, SAMUELL UFFINDELL is now deployed as a tactical obliterator of world­wide bank )0"$,4'5%6.',-)*7$&2'21',-."80%%'9-23:'%.;%7-"&&/'.%%-+8'3%' can turn you into an enemy of the state.

From this vantage point you would have been extremely hard pressed to notice that Australia #*+($%(,.0(&5$:+("4(*%($%,05%*,$"%*3(?%*%/$*3(/5$+$+'( Aussie blokes were busy throwing around wads of cash, while the young glamours looked fantastic #$,.(,.0$5(50/0%,38(;*%$/-507(%*$3+(*%7(!"#$%&( hair (also recently done), adorned in new and not­ Bondi Beach is an easy place to forget the chaos so­cheap threads. Australia never really stopped that said goodbye to 2008 and welcomed in 2009. spending during the downturn, and with the help H.0($%,05%*,$"%*3(?%*%/$*3(+0/,"5+(#050(+,$33(/";­ of Rudd’s quick intervention and heavy economic ing to grips with the implications of falling into stimulus package, not to mention a rock solid bank­ cardiac arrest; Black Saturday had ravaged lives ing system, the Australian economy remained the and communities on the outskirts of Melbourne only First World Western nation to avoid recession. and the famed Australian cricket team had suf­ Up on the big screens, pub patrons watched Ricky fered a series loss on home soil against a superior Ponting and “Magic” Mitch Johnson lead a once <"-,.(I45$/*%("-,?,'(),(#*+("-,("4(,.$+(,-5;"$3(,.*,( humbled Australian cricket team as they fought I was to recognise what encompassed the Australian back to clinch a stunning two — one series victory spirit; the eternal optimist that makes Australia on the return tour to South Africa. a land of champions.

J"#0105@($,(#*+(,.0(K$/,"5$*%(2-+.?50+(,.*,(:05­ The Australian spirit is clearly evident whilst one +"%$?07(,.0(+:$5$,("4(,.$+(&50*,(%*,$"%'(I+(3$10+(#050( is residing within Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs. An taken and realities destroyed, a nation mourned. ocean of sun­bleached and toned individuals bob But the nation did not sit still. Within a day, up and down, not deterred by the recent spate of businesses and individuals throughout Australia shark attacks in Sydney Harbour and at Bondi reached into their pockets to help out their fel­ Beach, as they scrap with dozens of others for low countrymen. Of course they did, what great the off chance of that dream ride. The beach is Australian wouldn’t? In true Australian spirit an ?3307(#$,.(20*-,$4-3(3*7$0+@("5(*+(,.08(*50(/";­ amazing display of altruism and love of community monly referred to in Straya, “glamours mate…”. was shown, and rapidly tens of millions of dollars Walking into Bondi’s iconic Beach Road Hotel, were donated without the blinking of an eye. The “Beachies” to the locals, one is immediately sur­ famous Melbourne and Sydney Cricket Grounds rounded by several rooms full of glamours, and a were sold out as spectators came in droves to cheer +05$0+("4(/"/68(*%7(/"%?70%,(I-++$0(23"60+(#."( on several decades of Australia’s top bands and strut about with their chests proudly puffed out, musicians performing free of charge in the spec­ sipping their schooners and poking fun at each tacular Sound Relief extravaganza. No one in the other. You get the impression that even though crowd stopped dancing and singing and remem­ everyone is amicable and fun loving, the boys are bering as the heavens, ironically, poured down competing with their mates for the attention of the with torrential rain. females, who in turn are prepping themselves to 20(,.0(20,,05(3""6$%&(?338'(>05.*:+($,($+(,.$+($%,05­ L"5( I-+,5*3$*@( ,.0( +-;;05( "4( MCCNOP( #*+( ?3307( nal competition that fosters a nation of winners, with calamities, and it was the response to these go­getters and believers in a destiny of greatness. 7$+*+,05+(*%7(,.50*,+(,.*,(,8:$?07(,.0(I-+,5*3$*%( For those individuals that have claimed their spirit. It is a spirit that is based upon a mindset prize, they can be spotted outside with the rest of which is always optimistic, one that believes in and the families, lapping up the afternoon (arvo) sun promotes its champions, an attitude that never in the courtyard as the next generation of young says die, and a character which loves and whole Australians look up to the glorious life that heartedly believes that Australia, or Straya, is the awaits them. greatest nation in the world.

MAGAZINES TODAY. WHAT THE FUCK has happened to magazines today?

It’s bad enough the publisher thinks that he/she/it is doing us (the reader) a favour by keeping the cover price under $10 (fucking arseholes) in a genuine and deluded attempt to remain relevant in the market, and to keep competitive so that they can slim up to advertisers and lie that they have a readership! What readership!? Even lithium­fueled subordinates are turning off magazines by the millions!

DO YOU know why? Well it’s because they write shit about shit! All they worry about is getting that pres­ tigious tampon or Gatorade advert, coupled with the drug­fuck­lust for the freebee! What makes it even worse is that the freebees you are getting are so cheap and pathetic you actually don’t realise that even your advertiser hates you! You lazy Mother Fuckers, all you care about is how fat you look in those jeans!!

Fuck I hate you so much! The reader gets a regurgi­ ,*,07(:$0/0("4(%",.$%&(?3307(#$,.(:50++(5030*+0+(#.$3+,( you plump your lips with free arsecream!

Q"-(!8(*5"-%7(,.0(:3*%0,(/"%+-;$%&(,.$+(+,-44(*%7(%",( really believing in any of it because you are basically the nerd outsider from the schoolyard that everyone else hated! =*&*R$%0+(#050("%/0(4*%,*+8E?3307(2$230+("4(4*+.$"%@( style, modernity! They allowed us, the great unwashed, to dream, to aspire, to want to work harder for a better life … OR was that all an illusion and really the fuckers never ever dreamed for us!?

I loved looking through National Geographic. Reading about exotic travels, looking at bizarre and beautiful people, things, places. Even the advertising was aspir­ $%&@(F"33+(F"8/0(0%&$%0+@(S-4,.*%+*(!8$%&(,"(=*/.-( Picchu! Or the Rolex Oyster, how it was made and how good it looked whilst scuba diving in St. Tropez, ads telling you of an excellence that you may want to experience or have! Old Vogues, old any magazine were different, you know why? Well they were alive, they had a soul, the writers cared, the photographers cared, the editors cared, everyone actually cared!

BAMBI, our fallen drag queen, is without doubt Master Mouse Patrol’s pocket­rocket. She dishes it out directly, sometimes aggressively, but

always with her readers interests in mind. She has a huge following on our website and now, with great pride, we unleash her onto the print world ... bon appetite.

It’s so simple — money was not the only frikkin object!

The craft of the story, the commitment to the photo, this was what mattered, the money came later! That’s why we have iconic publications (only a few), they remain beacons amongst a sea of vile, useless, fat, hideous, mundane magazines that do nothing but kill the planet!

I was recently lucky enough to meet with the Editor At Large for American Vogue, and it struck me how nothing mattered to him except the moment, the crea­ tion of the moment and the recording of the moment!

Perfect for Vogue! I realised spontaneity, campness and humour all made taste, and that really is Vogue.

It’s an amazing formula, a recorder of fashion, he made ,.0(;";0%,(*%7(,.0%(50/"5707($,(*%7("44(.0(#0%,(?5+,( class to Sydney and back home to NYC and then Paris!

And here lies the thing! It’s that exact free spirit! That powerhouse of character, a career spent seeding a drag aesthetic that makes a magazine great! Remember it’s not war and peace, it’s a frikkin magazine! It is ephem­ eral, a thing that exists only to record the moment!

Magazines are still extremely important vehicles in connecting our planet, moving culture and society for­ ward away from ignorance, bigotry and hatred towards Prada, Louboutin and Gucci! But more and more I see a cancer creep into the industry slowly killing it — a cancer of seriousness, of self­importance — and, unfor­ tunately, there are too many mediocre people fuelled up with degrees, believing that they are the elite, the one that has the god­given right to take the freebee and then basically lie to us all about society today, distorting the truth and assassinating the moment! I hate you all!

To all the fucking hideous magazines that I see on the newsstands around the world I dearly hope you all go under or even better you end up under the umbrella of ACP where your life will be a slow living hell where 010%(8"-5(+.$,(.*+(,"(20(T-+,$?07(,"(*(;*%*&05(,.0%( U-*%,$?07( 28( *%( *//"-%,*%,V( )( .*,0( 8"-( *33( *%7( 8"-( deserve to die!

X BAMBI

YOU SHOULD BE INTO THIS. BUDDING GROVE knows all the good things

you should focus on in life. However, be careful to trust the dubious and pretentious advice of 23%'/1$+8'"+,'$+<$"&-*%,4

You should be into Quotation. Seems simple enough, but have you really embraced it? I haven’t always — in fact I once held a prejudice towards it. This strange reaction came at the end of a speech where the speaker more or less plagiarised every smart person that had ever said anything remotely interesting at all, without any reference or contemplation of its subject whatso­ ever. You might say he went for the rock star effect.

And, my disdain lasted, the collateral damage being my ever growing stupidity. However, and luckily, I soon slowly turned my tide and as my personal delusions of grandeur subsided and were replaced by a healthy reality of self­loathing and general inward insecurity, I came to the understanding that every thought that I have had has either been discussed in a book by a far more eager mind, or made into a movie by a far more intriguing person.

So it was then, almost too late, I realised that some­ one else’s words used in close synchronicity with your own life can — and I stress the can — be nothing short of genius.

I,(?5+,()(#*+(*#6#*57@(3$60(*(%0#2"5%(7005(+,-;23$%&@( struggling to add Susan Sontag or John Berger to any lucid conversation of which I was capable of. So I took a step down a rung or two, until I got my feet and then +,*5,07(?5$%&(H8305(W-570%(*%7(X*$+05(<"R0(U-",0+( left, right and centre — in fact it is surprising how often “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist”, or “Fuck damna­ tion, man! Fuck redemption! We are God’s unwanted /.$3750%VY(;$&.,(?,($%,"(*(+0%,0%/0("%(*%8(&$10%(7*8' There really is nothing to it, like learning a new word, use it six times and it’s yours. But one must evolve, “let the chips fall where they may”, as Tyler would say. So I crowned some new favourites, committed them to mem­ ory and then went about trying to force my timing.

Proust is a favourite so I’ve got “It is always during a passing state of mind that we make lasting resolu­ tions” up my sleeve, and when proper pretension is necessary, “Si tout sur terre était rationnel, ne se pas­ serait rien”. I’ve got Dostoevsky in French (he didn’t translate it so neither will I), then again for a differ­ ent tact, “Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink” from Charles Bukowski can be very useful. But my favourite has to be Twain: “Clothes make the man.

Z*607(:0":30(.*10(3$,,30("5(%"($%!-0%/0($%(+"/$0,8Y([ it works for me.

Not only do these little thievings show you can use quote.com to make yourself seem ultimately smarter — “It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations” — Churchill said so. They can also help out in an argument or two, “New Zealanders who emi­ grate to Australia raise the IQ of both countries” — thanks, Sir Robert. Why do so many politicians roll out a bit of Reverend King, JFK or Michael Joseph Savage?

Because you can’t beat the words of dead heroes.

So whether some Marcus Aurelius — “A man’s worth is no greater than his ambitions” — is needed, or George Bernard Shaw — “I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation” — or perhaps something easy to begin, Oscar Wilde — “Genius is born, not paid” — or Groucho =*5\([(]I(/.$37("4(?10(#"-37(-%705+,*%7(,.$+'(<0%7( +";0"%0( ,"( 40,/.( *( /.$37( "4( ?10Y([("5( 4"5( +";0,.$%&( more serious: “Only the dead have seen the end of war” Plato — or perhaps you need to tell someone something you don’t have the words for: “a simple ‘I love you’ means more than money”, Frank Sinatra.

1.

So get your own, be into them and remember Strunsky : “Famous remarks are seldom quoted correctly”.

QUOTATION

3.

LEGO

2.

TRAVEL

it is air conditioned and no Africa unless there are lions.

And I say no to Antarctica because I’m not waiting 30 years for an apology from Air New Zealand. You are welcome to disagree with my perspective on travel, but #.*,( )( #"%G,( *//0:,( $+( 3*R8( :0":30`( ])( 7"%G,( 3$60( !8­ ing” … “Do they have Starbucks?” … “Do they speak English?” …

You should be into travel. Jesus do I have to do any Quid pro quo: convincing? Do I have to give you any glowing examples or gleaming parables to get you excited? Really? Why? a(>3*%0+(*50(/""3'(I+(/"5%8(*+(;8(-+0("4(/""3($+@($,G+( Because you think Pauanui or Coogee is exotic and true, they go in the air like giant metal birds …it’s relaxing? I will pedal that shit off to the next foreign magic! Don’t come at me with physics and Icarus, explorer I come across just like the next native, but it it’s magic! doesn’t mean I’m going to sell myself the same story.

Australasians are renowned travelers and because of a(H.0(#."30(:"$%,($+(,"(,*60(8"-5+034("-,("4(,.0(/";­ this our isolated (bordering on extinct) little civilisations fortable hell that is your life and take part in wild have been able to blossom and become the uniquely orgies of newness. expressive environments we have been lucky enough to grow up in. Whether you came here on the Waka from a(H.08(:5"2*238(7"(+:0*6(b%&3$+.(2-,(30,G+(.":0( J*#*$6$("5("%(,.0(?5+,(/"%1$/,(+.$:(45";(^"-%,8(^"56@( they don’t to you. What’s the point? Immerse your­ travel is in your blood. self — see life from a different perspective (even if it’s slight).

Now is a better time than any to get yourself addicted to the whiff of jet fuel as you board an Emirates A380 Apologies, I get argumentative, even with myself. But "-,("4(<QW("5(*(^*,.*8(>*/$?/(_-;2"(45";(IXS(,"(JX'( my point is, travel is possibly the best education/expe­ The prices are low and deals are aplenty! Out of crisis rience (and any other ‘e’ word you can think of) that comes opportunity. Out of competition comes despera­ ,.050($+(20/*-+0($,("4405+(8"-(50450+.;0%,(*%7(5070?­ tion and whether you agree or not, this little capitalist nition. Because: I didn’t know there is a high rise jail construct can take you wherever your heart intends. in downtown Chicago; I didn’t know Soweto has a J"#0105()(*;("%0(,"(T-7&0(*%7(;8(5-30+(*50(?5;`(%"( population of 5 million, two soccer stadiums and the beaches unless there is a Fendi within a kilometer largest hospital in the Southern Hemisphere; I didn’t 5*7$-+@(%"(/$,$0+(-%30++(,.08(.*10(*(+$&%$?/*%,(+,"/6$+,( know the French only dislike you because they think "4( S*%1$%@( %"( I;05$/*+( -%30++( )( /*%( ?%7( $,( $%( ,.0( you are either English or American. But now I do, I Phaidon Atlas of Architecture, no Europe unless there can safely say I am better for it, as I am sure you are/ .*+%G,(200%(*(#*5(4"5(*,(30*+,(?10(80*5+@(%"(I+$*(-%30++( will be too. Be into it.

For Christmas last year I received the greatest gift Saint Nick had ever thought to grant … an 822 piece Lego structure of Frank Lloyd Wright’s ‘Fallingwater’ house. The genius of a present is of course to know a person, and be able to presuppose their innate desires, to provide a gift that is not only pleasing at point of un­wrap but also in the days, weeks, months and years that follow. I will not forget the three hours of grit, guile, determination, subservience and ultimate sat­ isfaction that was 10am through 1pm on the 25th of December 2009. As sure as Jesus was born so too was ;8(L5*%6(S3"87(?50(45";(#.$/.(/*;0(;8(50*3$+*,$"%@( that YOU SHOULD BE INTO LEGO! It was the very next day I was lucky enough to be cascading through the streets of Sydney en route to ,.0(=^I(4"5(;8(D"\$%&(W*8(?\'(H.050()(4"-%7(50$,­ eration, a re­edification of Lego’s greatness. In the middle of a transformingly exhilarating exhibition of light and space by Danish artist, Olafur Eliasson, was a room entitled: “The Cubic Structural Evolution Project”. This room held in it a central theme to Eliasson’s practice — being participation, and a part­ built, part­ruined, part­creating, part­stagnate vast mass of white Lego blocks for anyone, everyone and me to add or subtract from. I will be honest — there were some outlandish, outspoken and outstanding achievements, but there was nothing that could top my efforts of the previous day, if only in my mind alone. But the genius of this Great Dane to see Lego as the great connector was visionary and to be in that room with six or seven other, now wealthier, souls #*+(%",.$%&(+."5,("4(+-23$;0'(H"(U-",0(*(&50*,(?3;(c(( “ … and it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that this is not just ‘Something That Happened’. This cannot be ‘One Of Those Things’… This, please, can­ not be that. And for what I would like to say, I can’t.

This Was Not A Matter Of Chance”.

But it is a matter you should be into.

“Cinema is Dead”. So says Peter Greenaway, in fact he even gives a date. 31 September 1983, which was the day that the remote control was introduced to house­ holds worldwide.

4.

HOBBIES

My resolution this Year Of The Master Mouse: distrac­ tion through interest. Gone are the days of not having anything to talk about outside of work and home life. d"%0( *50( ,.0( 7*8+( "4( ;$%730++( !$/6$%&( ,.5"-&.( HK( channels or dreaming up appropriate excuses to get out of dinners with travelling in­laws or the overzealous religious aunt. Now I simply peer back with staunch resolution and say: “Oohhh geez, Monday is class, can’t make it I’m afraid … whoa Nelly, I’m sorry but I can’t miss this week, we gotta test mmhhmm”.

Now I can’t jinx my new hobbies by rattling them off to you — that would be like taking you for dinner and insisting on ordering for you as well as cutting up your duck breast into smaller bite size pieces. However, by way of imagery and analysis, I believe we can deter­ mine some appropriate part­time infatuations that are suitable for a modern life, such as:

<"@(2*/6(,"(d500%*#*8@(#.050(7"0+(.0(?,($%g(9033($,( +00;+(,.*,(.$+(&0%$-+(e;8(":$%$"%f(3$40E/.*%&$%&(?3;( (my life), The Tulse Luper Suitcases, is actually a multimedia and interactive … um … thing. It is a thing of brilliance which happens to include non­narrative, If you don’t know who Greenaway is, you should, but present tense cinema, and Greenaway, as VJ extraor­ perhaps it is best that I suppress my problematic pre­ 7$%*$50'(J$+(?5+,(:054"5;*%/0($%(MCCh(#*+(*,(]^3-2(BBY( tentiousness and simply say that he is the visionary in Amsterdam, in association with “NoTV”, a Dutch­ and eccentric British Film Director known most widely based multimedia company, (you could of guessed the 4"5(.$+(?3;@(The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, Her Lover. freaky deaky Dutch would be into it) was hailed as visionary and has since been toured to 14 countries _-+,$?*238(*:"3"&0,$/(*2"-,(.$+(&5*%7$"+0(+,*,0;0%,@( including Australia where Greenaway “brought the Greenaway rationalises it in the following manner house down”, as it were, in Brisbane at the GoMA. (simply put by my simple self): because the remote, along with the advent of multimedia possibilities, Greenaway has plans to continue touring as a VJ, introduced a sense of interactivity which in essence with his unique brand of pioneering interactive multi­ revolts against classic passive cinema enjoyment; the media performance. He has even expanded on the idea Cinema, in the context of a piece of architecture and with his bold project “Nine Classic Paintings”, where an item used to understand cultural pursuits, is una­ using his VJ­ing skills, he looks to re­interpret some ble to deal with modern desires. His disenchantment of the Western World’s most renowned artworks. He #$,.( /$%0;*( *+( *( +":.$+,$/*,07@( 5*50?07( $%,0330/,-*3( started in his now home nation, the Netherlands, with conversation piece is due to what he calls a “cinematic Rembrandt favourite, “Nightwatch”, and followed that monoculture” consisting of narrative, illusionistic, with da Vinci’s scarcely known, “The Last Supper”. More ;$;0,$/(?3;+(*++"/$*,07(#$,.(J"338eD"338f#""7($70*3+' recently, he digitally reimposed Paolo Veronese’s camp classic, “The Wedding at Cana” (where Jesus turned <"( ?5+,38( )G10( +."#%( 8"-( )G;( ;"50( ,.*%( *( 3$,,30( $%,"( water to wine, good night that), which was part of the our friend Peter, but Cinema … dead? Bit strong init? 2009 Venice Biennale, and hailed as utter brilliance.

I mean what do we do now? Well I have one word for you (actually I’m not sure how many words it is): VJ­ing. So even though I’m practically unable to tell you exactly what VJ­ing is, Greenaway is into it, and so should What the fuck is VJ­ing? First coined in 1980 on a you be — his recommendation is enough for me. payslip for Merrill Aldighieri, a “Video Jockey” is a live multimedia performer … ? Exactly. And I can tell you, no one really wants to clear this up for us, though there are plenty who’d like to expand. But essentially there is a lack of written text on the philosophies and theo­ ries related with VJ­ing or real time interaction.

5.

VIDEO JOCKEYING

TABLE TENNIS is not only fun but it’s a healthy way to exercise and socialise, not a bad interest if you have serious addictions either.

Did you know Sarandon’s into it?

Fancies herself as a Billy Jean King of the paddle I bet.

STREET ART,("5(&5*4?,$@($+(*(&50*,( way to enjoy the outdoors in an urban sprawl. Enthuse your creative spirit whilst taking a brisk walk in the fresh air. Good for insomniacs and anarchists, or even if you like a touch of the rough. Remember to not sign your actual name.

So be into it. Get a hobby, you have to do it. Be more 20*-,$4-3(*%7(-%$U-0(+%"#!*60@(20/*-+0(204"50(8"-( die, Tyler Durden will ask you what you wish you had done before you do, and you want a clean slate.

POLE DANCING is quickly becom­ ing a hobby of choice for men and women thirty­something years old looking for a new lease of life. Fitness, teamwork, rhythm, concentration and cleanliness are all parts of the dynamic. Club nights are a hoot too!

Sydney (THE PERTH OF THE EAST) 24 hours through the eyes of GRAZ MULCAHY and HUW BENNET. Our guide to Sydney’s little secrets, all done in 24 hours . Photos by Anastasia Blades.

The Shop This Bondi hole­in­the­wall insti­ tution serves one of the best BLTs in Sydney by morning and transforms into a reputable wine bar by night.

W0?%$,038(*(#"5,.8(+,":(#.0%($%( Bondi. Beware: heavily guarded by locals and only seats about 20 peo­ ple. 78b Curlewis St, Bondi Beach.

City View, Dudley Page Park There are many amazing beaches, parks, and sites in Sydney — here’s one of the best. The park is more often than not quiet (bar New Year’s Eve), it is perfect for a picnic, exer­ cise, or just to look at the view that stretches from Chatswood to Bondi.

Day or night this is a great place to visit. Military Rd, Dover Heights.

Miss Chu Caterer come restaurateur of sorts, this little shop offers a great mix of Vietnamese­styled entrees and noo­ dle dishes. Our pick would be the duck pancakes — you’ll need a few.

The service is fast, though there is often a queue. The outdoor furnish­ ing is very street­ready which is perfect for its inner city location.

Also listen up for the music coming out of the kitchen; it’s an amazing selection of new and obscure disco.

1/50 Bourke St, Darlinghurst.

White Rabbit Gallery i%0("4(,.0(?5+,(;*T"5(:5$1*,0(&*3305­ ies to open to the public in Australia, Restricted Premises the gallery sits in an updated ware­ I%($/"%$/(<87%08(+,"50@(8"-G33(?%7( house, one of the many starting to everything from handmade suits to sprout in the new ‘Chippendale’. In taxidermy to vintage chandeliers. ,.0(&*33058(8"-(#$33(?%7(*%(0\,0%­ The store, located in the heart of the sive collection of over 450 works by Cross, is an old sex shop and has contemporary Chinese artists. 30 since been reworked just enough to Balfour St, Chippendale. display all its great wares. You have to spend some time, have a chat and look over all the pieces on offer. Shop 2b/3 Roslyn St, Kings Cross.

A Tavola W0?%$,038(;*60(*(2""6$%&j(<87%08( offers up some great Italian options, and A Tavola’s somewhat recent entry has now set a new standard.

The produce is fresh and the atmos­ phere is warm and very inviting.

Early visits should have you within meters of the chef making you fresh pasta. The large communal table brings the Italian family charm, while the location has you close to great bars around Darlinghurst, The Cross (Kings Cross) and Potts Point for a night cap. 348 Victoria St, Darlinghurst.

Goodgod Small Club In a vast sea of Spanish restaurants stands La Campaña. In the back of this very modest restaurant and bar 8"-(#$33(?%7(d""7&"7'(b\:0/,(&""7( music, happy people, and later on, lots of dancing. The club as its name suggests is quite small, but the fun to be had is large. If you’re lucky you will also be treated to one of the par­ ties in the front room, most often -+07(4"5(J0%G+(%$&.,+(*%7(,055$?/( male dancers. 55 Liverpool St, Sydney.

— Morning —

— Dinner —

Wake up, look outside and smile . you’re in the best city in the world.

Take a deep breath, roll over and snuggle up to the friend beside you.

Then leap out of bed with gay aban­ don and go get some food. Brunch is to Melbourne what homeless Gypsies are to the steps of churches in Italy.

It doesn’t matter what suburb you are in, choice is abundant. This is by no means a comprehensive guide, but here are a few of my picks:

By now, I’m sure you’re ravenous.

And if you’re not, suck it up! You’ve only got one day. What better place ,"(?\(,.*,(.-%&05(,.*%(Gigibaba.

Gigibaba is simply quintessential Melbourne. It’s small, cool and eas­ ily missed. The food is so beautiful.

Whatever you order, please eat the lamb cutlets. They are a must, even if you are a vegetarian or vegan. Eat them even if you are in fact a sheep.

They are that good. (102 Smith St, Collingwood, (03) 9486 0345)

Min Lokal 422 George Street, Fitzroy (03) 9417 0333.

Luncheonette 173 Rankins Road, Kensington Demetri’s Feast 141 Swan Street, Richmond (03) 9428 8659 The European 161 Spring St, Melbourne (03) 9654 0811 Outpost 9 Yarra St, South Yarra (03) 9827 8588

Melbourne (IT’S NOT SYDNEY)

Melbourne is glorious. She is the sexiest lover you’ll ever have. !3%'711=.:'.3%6.'"02-.2-7:'"&&$0-+8'"+,'+12'>$.2'"'&-22&%'?-2'@-02/4' If you only had one day with her, and I pray this will never be the case, she won’t let you down. She knows how to charm and if you’re lucky, she’ll hitch up her skirt for you and have a dance.

Giving you the ultimate day in Melbourne is impossible; there are so many different to be had depending on your inclination and mood. It’s a city where you can eat the best Ethiopian food this side of Addis Ababa, or instead savour a ten­course degus­ tation with matched wines that rivals any, anywhere. Melbourne takes food seriously, and its coffee is the best. Period. So, without further ado, here is my ultimate day of eating and drinking in Melbourne. — HUNGRY FRAN

Las Chicas 203 Carlisle St, Balaclava (03) 9531 3699 After brunch go for a long walk in the Botanical Gardens and please, whatever you do, play in the chil­ dren’s garden.

— Lunch — Venture out into the city. Go to the NGV. Shop in the laneways. Admire ,.0(:":-:+(*%7(,.0(&5*4?,$'( Then wander up Flinders Lane and grab a seat at Cumulus Inc. Sit at the marble bar if possible, and watch the chefs shucking oysters, dressing salads and preparing your slow­ cooked lamb shoulder. Get the school prawns, explore the wine list and indulge yourself. It’s heavenly, much hyped and completely worth it. (45 Flinders Lane, Melbourne (03) 9650 1445) — Afternoon — If you are anything like me, once you get going, you like to keep going (my Mum hassles me constantly on this one. Do I have a problem with alcohol? Don’t we all?) But if you do, then the next stop is Rooftop Bar. By the time you’ve climbed the stairs it’s time for a nice cool beverage. Sit back in a lounge chair and murmur about how cool the city is. Then, if you can make it downstairs without stopping at the Toff (on the Second Level), grabbing a booth and stay­ ing until dawn, make the trek over to Gertrude Street. (252 Swanston Street, Melbourne) Once on Gertrude, dawdle, muse, and enjoy the fashion, the books, the records and the secondhand furni­ ture stores. Then go grab at seat at Gertrude Street Enoteca and let the affable staff suggest a drink for you. They know what’s what and their wine list is impeccable. (229 Gertrude St, Fitzroy, (03) 9415 8262)

— Into The Night — If you’ve got it in you, head back to the city and go to New Guernica and relax into the night. If you’re feeling a little posh, go have a drink and cigar at Siglo Bar. Just what­ ever you do, please, please don’t end up at Revolver. I still have images burnt onto my eyelids of the horrors seen there. (Level 2 / 322 Little Collins Street, (03) 9650 4494; Level 2, 161 Spring Street, Melbourne (03) 9654 6300, respectively).

OVERHEARD

Peter Shand PhD in conversation with Peter Lundberg, Artist

… People go into a gallery, blum, blum, blum; and then they leave.

It’s like they’ve eaten something or bought something.

I feel the time spent in the space by a person, I want that to be cen­ tral. And all of the features of the work should encourage that rather than speed it up and make that an 04?/$0%,(:5"/0++'()(&-0++()(#*%,(,"( explode it open and make every aspect of that time spent in that space useful or something, so the longer you spend with the work the more you might get from it — although you won’t, it doesn’t give you knowledge but it affords you the time to think about it in more diverse ways. I think, yeah, I won­ der if there is a tendency in some contemporary practice to speed the whole thing up because the process "5(0\:05$0%/0($+(+00%(*+($%04?/$0%,'( That comes from that thing about the museum or the space of pres­ entation being somehow disengaged from the world but if you make the space important and somehow real I don’t think that’s the case. Does that make sense at all?

Yeah. As you say, in terms of spaces where art is presented it’s really hard, even with quite eccentric types of spaces, to get away from the fact that the art experience is one which, for a lot of people, is predicated on

“getting it.”It’s like there’s a teleo­ logical element to it so that it’s like “okay, solved. What’s my next thing to solve? What’s the next thing to consume?”

Well it buys into certain kinds of habits that have developed through whatever historical forces. But it does so in a related way in feeding you information that promises some kind of emancipation, but actually all it does is it speeds your life along.

You become unaware of duration, the central dimensions of your life that give you a lot of notions or pleasure. Yeah it just buys into that attitude of squeezing you through the production line of life. As if at the end you’ll have all this knowl­ 07&0(*%7(8"-G10(&",($,(?%*338([(,.0( ?%*3( ,.$%&( $+( ])G10( &",( $,Y( *%7( 8"-( can die. Whereas in the kind of work I’m interested in, there’s a dif­ ferent kind of getting it. There’s getting the space you’re in, what you’re doing, no matter what. Some­ how like paying attention is what living is about. It’s not a general life philosophy but — It does seem to be quite generally applicable because it’s about pay­ ing attention to being in the world, isn’t it?

Yeah. I guess it’s a phenomenologi­ cal thing.

So those kind of things apart from giving an invitation to people — is that the only way you can break those habits?

No because there’s philosophy and there’s plenty of philosophy that’s really good, it manages to be didac­ tic about it and I’ve found that stuff useful. And it’s a totally different approach to art.

And not just obviously in terms of the physical object but even the way in which they seek to engage with different experiences or dimensions of experience of the people who are seeking them out.

I think the American Pragmatists and even an artist like Merleau­ Ponty are very much about a very direct way of communicating a sort of lifestyle or something. Heidegger %",( +"( ;-/.@( 2-,( ,."+0( &-8+( 70?­ nitely. And they’re not about atten­ uating the experience of sitting in your chair and reading the book that you’re reading. They’re about getting that over with and then get­ ting out there. Richard Shusterman is a particular writer who writes the clearest, most dry kind of academic thing about bodily experience, aes­ thetic experience. He doesn’t try to provide that in his writing.

So, what, artists are about providing opportunities for that kind of expe­ rience? Or not artists? Are you inter­ ested in trying to provide that kind of experience or are you trying do what Shusterman’s doing!

be more forceful, or to have more space and for there to be a kind of materiality.

One of the things which that raises is that it’s obviously something that has come out of Twentieth century practice where you didn’t need to know every piece of factual informa­ tion that was required to understand a particular narrative; you could just deal with what is there in front of you. So is that like an on­going or potentially endless opportunity?

It’s begun to present me with more ":,$"%+'(I,(?5+,($,(#*+(1058(7$4?/-3,' How come?

Because when you’re forced to invent a new process, well you’re not forced to, but you choose to; the danger is you make a working methodology for yourself or a signature process for yourself.

That’s the classic thing for the mid­ century Americans. It was like, not only did things look quite consistent across a 30­40 year period for some of them, but the process of making 20/*;0(,.$+(,.$%&(#.$/.(#*+(50?%07( *%7( ,.0%( 70?%07'( F",.6"( $+( 8"-5( classic moment of the methodology of painting as the same — from paint­ ing to painting to painting — from about ’49 onwards. So there’s, what, 20 years of practice more or less. The palette changes because it reduces, but both the look and the making of the thing is pretty much the same.

Yeah. Poons just returned to some­ Z"@(%"@()G;(70?%$,038(*2"-,(;*6$%&( thing approximately like the early work you can experience. Absolutely. work, and even someone like him — who switched at some point — and … went from these kind of dot paint­ ings to the big pours, massive con­ Dusty pencil lines can be materially sistency in periods and the change very light but they’re set in relation seems like a big rupture. And Guston to the shadows we were talking about ,""'(W0?%$,038'(),(75*;*,$+0+(01058­ and all of a sudden you’re presented thing historically. with scales of light rather than light­ ness as a cohesive quality. But also Partly the dramatisation of the prac­ those lines can lock into a visually tices is what they saw in the work or solid composition. It becomes solid at least what they thought they saw. through your experience of it. And I think that’s quite crucial: the becom­ And that’s what this pencil work, ing, and you doing it in time. Because somehow, has been about getting out partially I think that the reduction of a repetitious process. Somehow of material present is about allowing the more you repeat it over and over the durational aspect of the work to again I think it becomes somehow

meaningless. So it’s important for that work that I do something else as well. So when you put this thing in a gallery or you do it, it has a +:0/$?/$,8' That’s kind of at the heart of your practice at the moment — the specif­ icity. It brings to mind the work you did in Melbourne last year. It was one of these experiences where it’s so light. It’s not that you had done any­ thing substantial in the nature of the activity and yet it made absolute sense in terms of what it did to that environment. It was like the indi­ vidual elements could be transport­ able, they could go somewhere else but they would be completely dif­ ferent, completely different, because of the way you installed it, the way that they were articulated relative to that room became highly particu­ larised. Initially they don’t look com­ plicated and then more and more and more — the things draw you in and set up a strong dialogical rela­ tionship between work and person.

Is that what it was like making them?

Q0*.@( 70?%$,038'( Q"-( +,*5,( 45";( *( point of incoherence and that’s the productive place to start. You don’t start with a rule or a plan or some­ thing like that; like a formula that you impose. You sort of learn the work as you go and that learning should be present in the work when it’s presented. Not so that it can be decoded, but so that the thing can generate quite an original experi­ ence for the viewer because it allows for more material for them to play with when they’re experiencing it.

The thing for me is, how original?

Which is not to say in relation to somebody out there, but what’s its relation to an accretion of experiences.

Like how much does it direct or control them?

Or do we all just start off afresh every time, which obviously is just not possible and would be completely counter to what you’re doing. So is that sense of how you offer — I imagine the viewer encounters the thing that appears to have been very vigorously experienced by the artist.

I don’t think they can account for a number of other viewers in that way.

Because you converse with others but they don’t leave their trace in the way that I do. But I think if I’ve had a very vigorous experience with the work then it invites that building­up of experiences. There was mine and now there’s yours and by implication, of course, there’s other people’s. Is that sort of what you’re getting at?

Yeah. Where I was coming from, too, was possibly because we were look­ ing at the graphite works, which are likely to be the most gentle as well — not just light but it’s got this gentle­ ness to it. But, of course, in terms of thinking, a lot of your work is any­ thing but. So, as you started talking about the gouged mark, I thought “yeah, well, that was completely fucked” because I’d forgotten about what has been a major feature —the carving away of things and opposed to the application of mark. But even though they’re much more, I sup­ pose, literally violent, there remains a lightness about them at the same time which seems really helpful. So that it means that that opportunity simply to — It means the perceptual encounter with them is quite slippery. What I loved about that is that you also get that in early Daniel Richter, where things are just exploding off the can­ vas and it’s just an absolute mess.

You have this similar slipperiness to the experience but different.

What, because it’s so cacophonic or— Yeah and you can’t grasp it, you can’t dominate the composition through understanding.

— Patrick Lundberg is an artist currently liv­ ing in Auckland, New Zealand. Recent exhi­ bitions include: 2010: untitled wall work for AB+,%*+-2%'C%"D%'21'E%#"-+F'!24'G"$&6.'!20%%2' Gallery, Auckland; 2009: “Stay here and help me be quiet”, for “Wallworks”, Adam Gallery, Wellington; “The substance of some dream of things to come”, TBC Art Inc, Melbourne; and works in “New Artists Show”, Artspace, Auckland; “Select < Effect < Export”, Te Tuhi, Manukau City; and “Chasers” curated by Hamish Win at Jonathon Smart Gallery, Christchurch.

PRETTY BEAUTIFUL. Most people who know me — and the readers of my blog — know that I’m a sucker for a super sassy, bold red lippy. I’ve tried and tested more than my fair share with varying results, some coming closer to the Holy Grail than others.

Pretty Beautiful is the brainchild of beauty, music and lifestyle writer HELENE RAVLICH. A veteran of too many years in the biz to name, she gives her readers the freshest, hottest advice about how to look, feel and smell just bloody delightful. She loves red wine, her beautiful little family and cranking up metal to ten, and her weekly column is one of MMP’s most popular web site features. www.mshelene.com.

The rule has always been to avoid a strong eye with a strong lip and to always be well powdered up, but I’m a fan of breaking both of those in favour of a more modern, devil may care attitude that doesn’t get too retro about it all. For day, noth­ ing is sexier than a make up free, slightly tanned face coupled with a bright, orange­toned red lip — think the Gainsbourg girls, Beatrice Dalle or any number of Gallic foxes who care to spend their time indulging in much more valuable pursuits such as say, pouting or writing shit screenplays, rather than applying foundation and powder on top. It’s easy and it’s sexy, not to mention about as low maintenance as it gets.

Come night time add a deep, smokey eye and maybe a false lash or two and you are ready for anything, as long as it’s bad …

Some of my favourite reds are: Lipstick Queen’s Red Sinner.

Created by the legendary lippy lover Poppy King, Red Sinner is a pure, slightly orange­tinged red that has *%($%,0%+0(:$&;0%,(*%7(;*,,0(?%$+.( but is super nourishing on the lips.

Apply after using the same brand’s Invisible Lip Liner to prevent any bleeding.

M.A.C’s Russian Red. A deep, blue­tinged red, this is una­ bashedly Eastern Bloc and is for a night when you’re in the mood to take no prisoners. Ultra matte and with intense stickability, paint this puppy on with a brush and leave out the lip liner, least you want to change the name of the shade to “Russian Bride”.

Lancome’s Colour Fever 153.

A soft, almost sheer blue­red that is about as wearable as it gets, with good longevity. Super pretty with a touch of the posh. Apply straight from the tube and press into the 3$:+(#$,.(8"-5(?%&05,$:+(4"5(*(&50*,( stained look. — HR

More often than not, the average facial is administered by an over­ worked, sulky beauty therapist with her mind on the next waxing, and ?%7$%&( *( ,5-0( 4*/$*3$+,( #$,.( *( :*+­ sion for their work is a rare and marvellous thing. They are out there, but they often take some tracking down, and once you’ve found your bellwether amongst beauticians you never look back.

maximum results”, with each product representing excellence and skin­ care integrity. Good skin depends on a compact pore structure, so the J0;*(5*%&0($+(4"5,$?07(#$,.(;"$+­ turising ingredients that both nour­ ish and condition the skin. In line with her skin as a “beautiful fabric” philosophy, she still has no exfo­ liants, toners or clay­based masques in the range or in her salon, as well as no water (or “aqua”) — the liquid Based in Wellington, New Zealand, components in both her day cream =*5&*50,(J0;*($+(*(+:0/$*3$+,(?5;38( and facial spray is organic hydrosol in the latter camp, with a history of "4(>*/$?/(3*10%705'( almost forty years in the business of beauty and a reputation that spans One of Hema’s proudest moments around the globe. For those that can’t took place when she “travelled from visit her ethereal salon in the heart Wellington to London and nothing of Wellington city, she thankfully in between in the Northern Hemi­ sells a range of hand­blended, organic sphere Summer of 2004. It was a hot oils that she creates herself with the afternoon and we were launching mantra that “all skin should be Hema at Triyoga in Primrose Hill”. ,50*,07(3$60(20*-,$4-3(4*25$/Y(?5;38( She had spent the week facialing a in mind. contingency of the brightest British beauty editors and was buoyed by The divine redhead originally cre­ the experience to such an extent that ated her range of only seven skin she wanted to make the experience care products — including a recently a “deeply spiritual one” by being added day crème — purely for her lead by a Powhiri (a Maori ceremo­ facial clientele, her rather compel­ nial welcome) through the streets of ling concept being the non­use of London to the doors of the spa. “My exfoliants and skin tightening clay daughter Tamara had organised the masks in both studio facials and launch and was happy to also put home skincare regimes. In those together a Powhiri, which made the formative years, clients, after they whole event truly amazing and so had their facials with Margaret, meaningful for me”, she explains, would take home hand­blended oils “and hopefully for the guests too. It in a plain brown bottle with a hand­ really became a haven of peace and made sticker describing what was beauty.” The evening was declared in the oil. The product had no name. a great success, and the Hema brand The Hema branding came three had cemented its rightful place in years later due to demand — word the eyes of the often cynical beauty of mouth had spread the message media with Tatler awarding her and people wanted to stock her signature facial a 10/10 and hailing hand­blended products. her as “beauty’s new heroine”. Rave reviews in Harper’s Bazaar, UK Vogue The world­renowned facialist’s objec­ and Australian Vogue were soon to tive from the outset was to give her follow, and word was soon to spread clients “a minimal method to obtain to the US with similar results.

As well as restoring the skin to a texture akin to velvet, Hema’s crea­ tions also proudly lead rather than follow when it comes to performance, *%7(#050(,.0(?5+,(,"($%/3-70("5&*%$/( Totarol in hand­blended oils as an antioxidant and antibacterial ingre­ dient. Hema Organic Floral Facial <:5*8( #*+( *3+"( ,.0( ?5+,( ,"( /"%,*$%( manuka honey as a humectant mois­ turising ingredient, and has received numerous accolades honouring both its formulation and its proven results.

When asked to pick her favourite, Margaret has no hesitation in nam­ ing her Organic Millennium Face and Body Oil as her potion of choice, and uses it as the signature oil in all of her facials. “Millennium is a love affair to me”, she unabashedly rhap­ sodises, “I have my hands dipped in it all day. It is a magic formulae. It is such a gift.” To the world of natu­ ral beauty, so too is the wonderful Margaret Hema. www.hemaproducts.com

LINDSAY HORNER

“Why is all this bathroom shit so, so trendy and death stuff not? … which decomposes the best?1980s bathroom or the l880s graveyard?”

Death isn’t a word that’s made a lot of appearances in Master Mouse Patrol up until now — or haven’t I been reading closely enough? Not trendy or vampirically Edwardian enough or possibly much too much. But it wasn’t always like this. Its time will return.

Only a man with a wealth of knowledge in art, literature, architecture and life would dare discuss the aesthetics of where we are laid to rest…

soon guided by a suitably aged and hoarsely whispering guide. The tour took about an hour and I warmed to our cicerone as he anecdoted his way through a set piece of ten or so notable stopping points. Why was it there?

London’s burgeoning population made this and sev­ eral other cemeteries necessary because unfortunate A hundred or so years ago Victorians and Australasians practices of unscrupulous men who had perfected the took it far more for granted. They spent as many hours art of multiple burials — one on top of the other — but trekking about digging out attractive cemeteries or +";0,$;0+( 28( 5*:$738( 7$+:"+$%&( "4( ,.0( 3*+,( /"4?%( ,"( possible grave sites, and looking through thick glossy make way for the next. Highgate cemetery was about /*,*3"&-0+( ?3307( #$,.( &30*;$%&( #.$,0( +,"%0;*+"%G+( to change all that. The new idea — in 1839 — a garden ;"%-;0%,+(*+(#0(7"(3""6$%&(*,(;$55"5(50!0/,$%&(,$30+( suburb­style cemetery where people could stroll on a and ventilation arrangements for bathrooms. Why is Sunday looking for suitable plots purchasable for what all this bathroom shit so, so trendy and death stuff not? most would hope for more permanent internment.

Well, in about another hundred years we will be able Garden cemeteries were armed with the vaguely edu­ to assess which were more permanent or, more impor­ cational goals of teaching children to identify trees, ,*%,38@( ?%$+.07( -:( 20,,05( ,"( 3""6( *,'( i5( :-,( *%",.05( shrubs and of course the iconography and the architec­ way — which decomposes the best? — 1980s bathroom ,-50("4(70*,.'(I%8,.$%&(*+(45$1"3"-+(*+(!"#05(207+(#050( or the l880s graveyard?

7$+/"-5*&07(2-,($4(%0/0++*58(+."-37(20(/"4?%(+.*:07( +"(,.0(!"#05+(#050(-%705(%"($33-+$"%+(#.8(,.08(#050( An ecstatic walk around Hampstead cemetery in London there. Originally there were well laid­out paths and the is a way of pushing this particular envelope out a little odd tree, but almost two hundred years later this part further and is not to be missed, although one would looks more like a section of Amazon jungle, with decay­ not think this from the rather underwhelming descrip­ ing tombstones, railings and tree trunks all enveloped tions in Fodor’s Guide to London’s Visitors. The best in an overarching tangle of damp moss and leaf. Path­ it can muster by way of a beckoning description is ways curving off into the distance, made originally to “extraordinary atmosphere”, which could equally be tempt clients to look at further plots, now mysteriously applied to Hundertwasser’s Garbage Processing depot run away into darkening tunnels. in Central Vienna. It does explain that a visit is, for London, rather cheap at three pound — now more like The other idea the designer came up with had a touch ?10([("5( ,.*,( ,.050( *50( ,#"( /0;0,05$0+([(b*+,( *%7( of eccentric brilliance: a grandiose Egyptian section 90+,'(H.$+($+(#"5,.(6%"#$%&(20/*-+0(8"-(/"-37(?%$+.( for clients preferring burials in a more exclusive and, up being directed to the singularly ugly grave of Karl for those times, more exotic section. Egyptians were Marx and wonder what all the fuss was about. No. It’s keen to celebrate the glories of the afterlife, and after West where the fun begins. an extended stroll through about ten acres of Amazon jungle, it drops you in front of an unexpectedly majes­ Unlike its Eastern neighbour it’s not open for a stroll — tic, but sadly Jerry built, Egyptian pylon; its state of bookings have to be made — to the all too obvious disap­ disrepair only adds to the bizarre context but is just pointment of some heavily ornamented Polish Goths the beginning of the architect’s efforts to outdo who reluctantly attached themselves to our small party, himself.

“Highgate would probably outrage a post­modern purist as kitsch or camp.”

Beyond is a subterranean stone tunnel lined with cat­ acombs, often with family names engraved above the entrance way and grilled gates through which one can see family sarcophaguses piled on each other. One rather unusual feature of these gloomy chambers was the presence of a small shelf inside the door with a bell chained to the wall. Possibly tomb exhumations 5010*307(.-;*%(50;*$%+("4(?&-50+(+/5*223$%&(70+:05­ *,038(,"#*57+(,.0(/"5%05+("4(,.0$5(/"4?%+(*%7(K$/,"5$*%+( assumed these unfortunates previously pronounced 70*7(.*7(*#*60%07(,"(?%7(,.0;+0310+(0%,";207(*3$10V( In the unlikely event of their being able to make a supreme exertion to move the stone lid of the sarcoph­ *&-+(,.08(;$&.,(?%7(,.0;+0310+(.-%&58(*%7(4500R$%&( to death with no way of drawing the attention of cem­ etery staff to their plight — hence the bell.

The cemetery was planned around what had originally been a large garden that had in this corner an ancient Cedar of Lebanon. This was exactly the sort of tree — non­deciduous of which the designers approved, and to utilise this enormous and rather mournful piece of staging, a bold architectural stroke was required. A huge circus was excavated around it at the same depth as the subterranean tunnel coming from the entrance, #$70(0%"-&.(,"(,5*%+:"5,(/"4?%+(,"(80,(;"50(/58:,+($%( some case two stories high on both sides of the circus.

Far above this is the only tomb that left me even faintly moved by what would be more usually associ­ ated with a cemetery. Like everything else it was a dirty white, but compared with the heavy marmoreal architecture of the rest, light and delicate: it com­ memorated a child who had died in adolescence.

Compared with the rather fulsome homilies about people on many tombs in this country and in England, Highgate celebrates its dead with just a surname as if that should be enough to connect it in the visitors’ minds and presumably God’s, with their vast wealth or good works. Sadly this is not so and even the names sound as if they have been picked out of a Nineteenth century novel. Not even their religions seem indisput­ ably Christian — the worm Ourobouros is prominently displayed above some entrances.

I have never cared very much for installation art which oscillates between the banal and the arcane and all seems remarkably unmemorable, compared with, say, painting. Highgate cemetery would probably outrage a post­modern purist as kitsch or camp, but I rate it as a far better artefact of Victoriana than this. I have also been told that a visit in autumn or winter is astonishingly different from one in summer.

Of course the Polish Goths were keen on a night excursion and disappointed everything was locked up *%7(/3"+07(*,(?10'(J*7(*%8"%0(0105(+/*307(,.0(#*33+g(( Hard to tell, our cicerone replied: our policy of benign neglect sees to that! “Long way to fall”, mused one of them. An elderly woman attired in very elderly hand­ me­downs from the 1940s approached jangling a bag on the end of a stick which contained some coins: “Couldn’t you manage just a few coins. We run this place on a shoe­string.”

— AL CHEVAL

Say what you like but there’s no two ways about it — Test Cricket is clearly the greatest sport on earth. Those that whine and say “it’s too long” or that it “lacks action” are either footy­loving morons or just sim­ ply, morons. Either way, I have no time for them. Test Cricket will be an object of my desire from this day until my death. Here’s why …

This sport is the perfect pastime for people who love food and drink. So that should be all of you. Let’s paint the picture: you sit around in the sun with some good mates, eating and drinking, watching a bit of the play, observing the crowd, making up offensive nicknames for the play­ ers you hate, having a ciggie or two, perving at the woman’s tits in the next row, smelling the freshly cut grass, hearing the beautiful sound of 30*,.05("%(#$33"#@(50!0/,$%&("%(8"-5(7*8+(*+(*(+,*5(%-;205(?10(2*,+;*%( in the under elevens … is Test Cricket heaven on earth? Yes indeed.

All the little curiosities that come from knowing and loving the game make this sport superior. It’s the tradition. The history. The stats. The tension. The battle. The grounds. The SCG — the Members Pavilion — the prestige. No shorts, must be wearing a collared shirt. You sit next to Michael Parkinson. You, Parky and 45,000 locals watch a man from Bombay bat in 40 degree heat for six hours, against a hostile opposition "4(03010%(/"%1$/,+@(4*/$%&(?10(2"#305+@(4"-5(7$44050%,(,5*:+@("%(*%(-%0­ ven wicket with variable bounce and a hint of reverse swing to score BhC("4(,.0(?%0+,(5-%+(8"-(#$33(0105(+00(c(8"-(5$+0(,"&0,.05($%(*(+,*%7$%&( ovation, you are one — men, women, Indians, Australians — you can hear “Heal the World” playing in the distance … I challenge the fans of Man U or worse The Crusaders to create a sporting experience like that!

Oh that’s right, after getting smashed on cheap alcohol, you’re cur­ rently abusing the opposition team’s supporters before heading home for an asphixy­wank over Wayne Rooney or Dan Carter … I apologise.

The people that love Test Cricket are special. They are intellectuals, they are patient, they are knowledgeable, they are respectful and they are passionate. The perfect humans perhaps? Yes, quite possibly. And don’t for a minute think the game’s administrators and founding fathers didn’t know what they were up to either. Look at the locations of some of the sport’s most famous grounds … Cape Town, Sydney, London, THE CARIBBEAN … feel like a holiday luv?

Lastly, and most importantly, Test Cricket is incredibly sexy. Watching one of your countrymen make a hundred is like making love to a beau­ tiful woman. And how could any woman resist the charm of Imran Khan, Viv Richards or Scotty Styris? What’s not sexy about a sunburnt athlete who smells like sunscreen and sweat? Surely it is now clear to you all, Test Cricket is to be loved, embraced and worshiped!

SONNY BILL WILLIAMSON

Why is it that what I want, what I need, what I have to have; is this object that is just plastic and paper?

Each and every time I repeat this journey as to “why”. Is this thing just ,.0( 3*%7?33( "4( ,.0( 4-,-50( 3$60( :50,,8( ;-/.( *33( "2T0/,+( /50*,07g( )4( +"( )( really shouldn’t encourage its creation by consuming it (I remember you could buy tiger skins in my local market when I was a kid, now that’s another story!) BUT BUT BUT it is so unique, so beautiful, sooo delicious in its character and point of view.

I can almost see the design team behind this piece laughing and enjoying the creation of this gem of humanity! I’m not even a Barbie collector BUT I do have a few Spice Girls, Lieutenant Uhura and a Michael Jackson in my collections (to name a few) BUT when Barbie discovered Louboutin a match was made in Drag Queen Heaven! Jesus wept and the tears helped create this fabulous piece of designer genius!

Don’t bag the luxury end of the consumption tree! I’d much rather be up here buying crazy trinkets, bubbles and oddities than being down and dirty in Walmart hell with trolleys full of God knows what! To consume something that has been lovingly conceived and created with a degree of integrity and excellence makes me shiver with delight. To be educated by the design team, to understand what went into the object makes it that more special! I want to know about my object — why, what, how and who helped to make this beauty!?

Luxury doesn’t have to be expensive, it doesn’t have to be elitist, it just has to be this! A little plastic doll in a box … Lighting strikes, and when $,(7"0+($%(,.0(#"537("4(3-\-58(8"-(%0105(6%"#(#.*,(8"-(#$33(?%7([(*%( evening at the Crillon, a sneaker from Lanvin, or maybe a little doll called Barbie! One of millions made each year but this one is different, this doll is pure luxury because it involves knowledge, it is limited in number (always a good thing), odd in character and therefore very narrow in its appeal! This equates to rare as opposed to elitist, and 5*50($+(*(+-50(?50(7$50/,(3$%6(,"(3-\-58V( The luxury club involves the love for the history of collecting, to amass something unique, a journey of lust for something you love. It involves capturing a moment in time, recording taste in 2009, to hold onto some­ thing that screams who you are in 2008 or 1980! Collecting a mass of items is in itself luxury! Pure bliss! Basically it all boils down to a little 7"33(750++($%(*(2"\(?3307(#$,.(3$,,30(+."0+(*33(;*70(#$,.(3"10(*%7(+"37(,"( you to collect and enjoy in 2010. I love luxury packaged in a box and only USD$100 for a limited time!

X BAMBI

Louboutin Barbie.

Test Cricket.

If you hate this, I hate you.

Get out of my face, I’m with the President.

by SIMON MOSKVA

Google Image ‘Michelle Obama’. Of the nearly 9,430,000 results, you will see that the most popular is a mock­ up image of the First Lady as an ape. )(?5+,(50*7(*2"-,(,.0($;*&0("%(#.*,(*(DD^(9"537(Z0#+( article entitled ‘Michelle Obama racist image sparks Google apology’, dated November 25th, 2009.

The article is less about the origins of the racist image and more on Google’s censorship policy. But what it highlighted was the disturbing commonality of how irrationality trumps social decency. Expectedly, Google deplored the image: “Sometimes Google search results from the Internet can include disturbing content, even from innocu­ ous queries … The beliefs and preferences of those who work at Google, as well as the opinions of the

general public, do not determine or impact our search results … Accordingly, we do not remove a page from our search results simply because its content is unpopular or because we receive com­ plaints concerning it. We will, however, remove pages from our results if we believe the page (or its site) violates our Webmaster Guidelines, if we believe we are required to do so by law, or at the request of the webmaster who is responsible for the page. We apologize if you’ve had an upsetting experience using Google.”

A public relations safety­play if ever I saw one. The BBC provides a carefully screened ‘Have Your Say’ area where readers can air their opinions. At the time of writing, the article had attracted 2,623 comments, 1,602 which were published and a further 307 which were barred.

The image itself is shameful, but it was the over­ whelming opinion that was most disturbing. The most reader­recommended comment (with 399 recommen­ dations; 72 more than its nearest rival) read, and I’m paraphrasing: No. There are millions of non­black peo­ ple being ridiculed in the media. This is only because the First Lady is black; if she was white this wouldn’t have made the news.

By ‘non­black’ does the writer mean all people excluding those with the darkest skin? Probably not. So I will take ‘non­black’ to mean ‘white’. Yes, white people are ridi­ culed in the media. But are white people ridiculed on the basis of ignorant, racially motivated factors based on a misinterpretation of evolution and natural selec­ tion which became the core of Social Darwinism? No. They’re not. White people (generally — there surely are exceptions) are ridiculed for cosmetic irregularities and personal traits (big noses, strange haircuts), poor poli­ cies or social practices (political decisions or substance abuse) or lack of intelligence. White people are never characterised as a lesser class of people because of skin colour, physiological characteristics or ethnic origin.

The ‘racial superiority’ argument is a redundant one.

There is no ethnic element to what the West believes is ‘advancement’. Ancestral origins have absolutely no bearing on mental or social abilities. People from Rome, Paris or California are no more capable of intelligence than those from Lagos, Port Moresby or Dhaka. Sadly to divert course to address this argument would take ,""(;*%8(/"3-;%+'(<-4?/0($,(,"(+*8@(1058(U-$/638@(,.0( most ‘advanced’ societies of modern times were facili­ tated by favourable conditions — geographical, climac­ ,$/(*%7(*&5$/-3,-5*3'(>-,(+$;:38@(,."+0(+"/$0,$0+(?5+,(,"( settle in areas favouring fast population growth were then able to dedicate individuals and groups to the advancement of technology which started the wheels of modernity rolling. That is why major civilisations thrived throughout Europe, North Africa, the Middle East, South and East Asia. The fact that the indus­ ,5$*3( 501"3-,$"%( "//-5507( ?5+,( $%( b-5":0( *%7( %",( $%( Southern Africa has nothing to do with limited intel­ ligence, just limited opportunity.

But racism alone is not the sole issue here. Freedom of speech, expression and the media is equally relevant.

Just because this image offended some (let’s hope the majority), does this mean it should be censored? Of the top ten most­recommended ‘Have your Say’ comments on the BBC, eight were opposed to removing the image, and two were in favour. Those opposed received 2,017 recommendations; those in favour, just 351. Five of the eight were opposed to removal citing censorship concerns, two for racial reasons, and one who simply

didn’t like being told who to respect. The two comments in favour of removal each argued on the basis of com­ mon sense and that racial insult does not qualify as freedom of speech.

Freedom of speech (recognised under Article 19 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights), expression and the media are central to democracy and a free society. But the right to free speech does not justify hate speech. It is universally recognised (admittedly not always in practise) that as soon as speech or expression encroaches on other human rights by caus­ $%&(.*5;("5("440%/0@($,+(45007";($+(T-+,$?*238(3$;$,07' Many of the views expressed by BBC readers centred on the idea that Google is in no position to decide what is appropriate. Their point being, if you allow Google to ban this image, then you must allow them to remove countless others. There are many images on the Internet that represent hateful or hurtful ideas. Countless his­ toric and contemporary images document the horrors of human society. To determine continued exhibition of the Michelle Obama image, I ask one simple question: What value does the hateful image have to society? It is not worthy of historical documentation, it’s a poor exercise in Paintshop. All it does is fuel deplorably racist ideologies which have haunted African, Asian and indigenous peoples for centuries.

THIS MAGAZINE IS ALL EGO

There will always be those who judge people on their appearance or background. I’m not so utopian as to think that informed thinking can easily erase genera­ tions of deeply rooted ideas. But I do think that those responsible few, like Google, fortunate enough to have ,.0(:"#05(*%7($%!-0%/0(,"(;*60(/"550/,$"%+@(."#0105( slight, should be able to do so; based on what is right, 70/0%,(*%7(20%0?/$*3(,"(*33' The racist image of Michelle Obama raises many inter­ esting points of conjecture, and Master Mouse Patrol readers will be no different. Opinions, I’m sure, will bridge either extreme. I hope all reasonable readers can agree that the current ‘Number 1’ Michelle Obama image is an embarrassment to apparently ‘advanced’ society, and, pro­Obama or not, the image is in no #*8( #"5,.8( "4( 50:50+0%,$%&( I;05$/*G+( ?5+,( I45$/*%E American First Lady. Avoidance of censorship should not override reasonable common sense, especially when it fuels beliefs which have no place today’s inter­ connected world.

*Editor’s Note: Since receiving this article in January, Google removed and then reinstated this image at the top of its search list.

TANE COFFIN

Readers were asked: Should Google remove the racist Obama image?

Intermission.

FAMOUS DEFAMER. Original artwork by SAKI WILLIAMSON

People know who Denise L’Estrange­Corbet is, she’s in magazines. Founder of iconic NZ Fashion House, WORLD, and published author (including her own best selling autobiography, All That Glitters), the question is: ‘Would Denise L’Estrange­Corbet doodle on herself?’

The answer is: Yes. We made her …

You may not be Angelina but you may like to doodle her. Take a photo of your doodle (or diddle) and email it to feedback@mastermousepatrol.com

TAKE A CHRISTMAS CRUISE. Christmas Cruise Image thanks to SAKI WILLIAMSON

COLOUR IN TOM AND SEND HIM TO US TO WIN! (SOMETHING)

MASTER MOUSE PATROL MANTRAS. (M)OCKING SUBURBAN GUMBOOTS IS COMPLETELY NECESSARY. (A)NTIQUES ROADSHOW, SURPRISINGLY ENTHRALLING. (S)EXO, THE NEW SEXY. (T)HANK GOD FOR GOSSIP GIRL ON HUNGOVER SUNDAYS. (E)ATING MEXICAN FOOD MAKES YOU UNPRODUCTIVE, WE ARE PROOF. (R)ETROSEXUALS: SORRY LESBIANS, THIS IS MAN’S NEW FANTASY. (M)IDDLE­AGED MEN SHOULD NOT GO CLUBBING. (O)RGANIC, THE NEW HALLIBURTON. (U)NLESS IT’S AN EMERGENCY, NEVER DRINK RUM. (S)PACE MAN CANDY STICKS, BETTER THAN LUNG CANCER. (E)VANDER HOLYFIELD. BEST MO OF THE 90S? (P)ALMERSTON, NZ. BEST CUSTARD SQUARES ON THE PLANET. (A)BBY DOBSON — DREAM BABE. (T)OES ARE CLEARLY THE UGLIEST PART OF THE BODY. (R)ADELAIDE. STRANGE PLACE AT NIGHT. (O)ZONIUM. USE IT SIX TIMES IN CONVERSATION AND IT’S YOURS. (L)IKELY ... MASTER MOUSE PATROL WILL WIN.

(The reverse is a professionally designed envelope; turn the page if you don’t believe us!)

Subsection of Hideousness

*Website Competition Winners * SEND US your snaps of celebrity lookalikes: feedback@mastermousepatrol.com

Celebrity Lookalikes After receiving over 50 entries from our fans, here are our favourites for ‘Lookalike Of The Year’.

Top row: Ralph Lauren & Oil Mogul Richard Wildman (Redsex), Jake Gyllenhaal & Kurt Logan McManus (Marcus Wilson).

Second row: Roy Orbison & the brunette Topp Twin (Tom Willis), Lee Van Cleef & Nasser Hussain (SBW). Third row: Shane Watson & Paul Burnaby (Ben Fahy), Katy Perry & Sarah (Kurt McManus), Hoggard & Fahy: both lethal with a swinging ball (SBW).

Fourth row: Keifer & Andy (Anonymous), Jason Biggs & Celebrity Lawyer Emmanuel Amos (Andy Brabant). Bottom row: L. Lohan & T. Evans (Anonymous), This friendly baboon & Christina (Hatu Patu).

FINISH THIS SENTENCE. MASTER MOUSE PATROL… MASTER MOUSE PATROL… sexy, yet polite.

MASTER MOUSE PATROL… often beaten, never licked. (Slaughterhouse Sarah) MASTER MOUSE PATROL… fucking their way to the top. (Computers Want Me Dead) MASTER MOUSE PATROL… C&B O’Brien 16 (34). (Simon Moskva) MASTER MOUSE PATROL… 3$60(&"37("%(&"37?+.@(,.08G50(*33("105($,V (Ben Brown) MASTER MOUSE PATROL… %0105(;"50(,.*%(?10(,."-&.,+(45";(,5"-230' (Gorgeous George) MASTER MOUSE PATROL… proving that there is urea in literature. (Bettle)

YOUR TURN PEOPLE!

MASTER MOUSE PATROL… _____________________________________ MASTER MOUSE PATROL… _____________________________________ MASTER MOUSE PATROL… _____________________________________ MASTER MOUSE PATROL… _____________________________________

SOCIAL EXPERIMENT. Slicing your way to the top.

by SBW

It is quite possible that we never mature at all. We pretend that we have, by working hard and wearing nice clothes and talking politics at dinner while sipping on a lovely wine, but we’re not fooling anyone. That’s why we should implement the slice into our workplaces, sports teams and circles of friends. For those who are unaware of what a slice is please read the following passage taken from the Williamson family memoirs …

H'.&-7%'-.'23%'#1D%#%+2'1)'1+%6.'3"+,'I*+8%0.'"+,'23$#?'3%&,'2-832&/'218%23%0'-+' a straight line, palm at 90 degrees to the ground) from the bottom to the top of another person’s bum crack (preferably over the top of clothing) teamed with the simultaneous shouting of the word “SLICE” in a high­pitched jubilant manner.

Important note: the deeper the slice the better. It is also crucial that you keep your slicing to the backside of people. Delving into the world of the front slice is a risky and potentially offensive option for inexperienced slicers to take. When you have mastered this craft ensure the targets of your slice are only people you know. Slicing random people on the street or in bars can lead to broken faces. Yes I understand that the slice is a somewhat offensive way to acknowledge your own lack of maturity, and that acknowledging a lack of maturity is completely unnecessary, but nevertheless, when you see the joy it brings to yourself and (eventually) others, you’ll understand why it is necessary for me to share this information. You will develop an insatiable desire to perform the slice with your appetite 4"5(+3$/$%&(,-5%$%&(8"-($%,"(*(+30-,.(*+(8"-(.-%,(4"5(,.0(%0\,(-%:5",0/,07(/5*/6(,"($%?3,5*,0'( Join in the fun, you’ll wake up tomorrow and see the world from a new angle. Suddenly that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles singlet you used to wear as a 10 year old will seem cool again. And believe me, it is!

CARA WALSH

In case you hadn’t noticed, food has become cool. Really cool. It takes more tricks to get into a hot restaurant than Glastonbury Festival, cookbooks are everywhere *%7(k(80*5E"37+(6%"#(."#(,"(+"-4!l'(H.0(4""7($%7-+,58( used to be full of hairy, sweaty fat guys and kids who needed some extra cash for their holidays or couldn’t really make it in the real world. But now, every second hipster fresh from New York is opening a café on your corner block, or worse, a pop up.

Foodies are the new musicians, fashion designers and artists. What’s worse is that they often are in fact musi­ cians, fashion designers and artists. Those hipsters have made it very hard to keep up. Gone are the days of popping down to Cobb & Co for a quick buffet dinner, %"#(8"-5(/."$/0("4(50+,*-5*%,(50!0/,+("%(8"-(*+(.0*1$38( as your love of Ricky Martin.

The problem with all of this is that when something becomes trendy, there is usually a backlash. Think of the decadence & glamour of the 1980s. Sparkles, big hair, big shoulders — it was awesome. Then look at the ’90s. Don’t get me wrong. Ripped jeans can be great, particularly when worn by a very cute bottom (mine doesn’t fall into that category unfortunately), but it has taken nearly 20 years for the best of the ’80s and ’90s to merge, and for us to see glamour and grunge combined together.

So if food is now cool, I don’t want the next trend to be a rejection of it. I don’t want to go back to Cobb & Co, or worse, have it be cool to overcook veggies. But maybe I’m just being a bit precious. Is this just a coming of age? Having realised what my passion is, have I now just opened my eyes and realised that there is no such thing as an original thought (this sentence, I’m sure you know, is not original). Has food always been trendy?

Is this how everyone feels who has a passion and real­ ises they are not alone?

I shouldn’t complain. The coming of cool in food has meant that the quality is better, products are more readily available, and it’s much harder to mess up your dinner booking as the high standard now means that the shitty places fail. And unlike music, fashion and art, food has a little bit more structure to it. The boundaries are not so easily stretched. Steak and marshmallows will never taste good together, so even if those hipsters try to do something funky or ironic, if they don’t succeed it won’t catch on, and if they do, well we’ll be all the better for it.

So, I’ve decided to relax. Let the cool kids embrace food, and then hopefully we all will continue to reap the ben­ 0?,+(45";($,'()(T-+,(%007(,"(&0,("105(,.0(4*/,(,.*,(,.0( only thing that has made me cool is now part of a trend.

And I, well I’m just a follower. — HF

HUNGRY FRAN’S OLIVE OIL AND SEA SALT FOCACCIA 2 cups warm water 2 teaspoons dry yeast ½ cup olive oil h(m(/-:+(!"-5(e:50405*238(.$&.(&5*70f 1 ½ teaspoons salt Sea salt ½ cup black olives Makes 2 loaves.

a=$\(,.0(80*+,(*%7(#*,05(,"&0,.05(*%7( let stand for a few minutes.

a<:3$,(,.0(7"-&.($%(.*34(*%7(+.*:0(0*/.( :$0/0($%,"(*(!*,(50/,*%&30'

aI77(,.0("3$10("$3(*%7(;"+,("4(,.0(!"-5( and mix together.

aS0*10(,.0(7"-&.($%(*(#*5;(:3*/0(4"5( about half an hour.

aH.0%( *77( ,.0( 50;*$%$%&( !"-5( *%7( olives and knead the dough on a lightly !"-507( +-54*/0( -%,$3( +;"",.( e%",( ,""( long). It will be really sticky. To try to stop it sticking excessively, rub your hands with more olive oil. Don’t be ,0;:,07(,"(-+0(;"50(!"-5@(*+(,.0(7"-&.( will become tough and heavy.

aH.0%( 25-+.( ,.0( 7"-&.( #$,.( #*,05@( sprinkle with sea salt and cook in an oven at 200c for about 20 minutes or until golden. The bread should sound hollow when tapped. ai%/0("-,("4(,.0("10%@(25-+.(#$,.("3$10( oil and serve while it’s still warm.

There is something very cathartic and satisfying about baking bread. The smell alone is enough to draw the strictest Atkin’s dieter out of their smelly breath protein­based hell. Bread can only be made with love. You can’t rush bread, or do it in a hurry. It needs time. Atkin’s dieters aside, where would we be without bread? In one way or another, bread has been a dietary staple for most parts of the world since the Stone Age. Bread can be humble or majestic and as long as you have the fundamentals right, it’s easy. At the most basic 30103@($,G+(!"-5(*%7(#*,05'(D-,($,G+(+"(;-/.(;"50(,.*%(,.*,'(),(.*+(:"3$,$/*3@(/-3,-5*3@(.$+,"5$/*3(*%7(503$&$"-+( +$&%$?/*%/0'(),+(%*;0(.*+($%+:$507(2*%7+([(]D50*7Y(20$%&(,.0(;"+,("21$"-+([(*%7(,.050($+(*(]2*+60,(4-33Y("4( bread­related clichés. Why? Because it is so fundamental to the diet of the human race, it’s a universal food, 3"107(28(*33'(I%7(#.8(+."-37%G,($,(20g(),G+(7*;%(,*+,8@(/.0*:(*%7(?33$%&'(),G+(*3+"(,.0(20+,(#*8(,"(&0,(8"-5(20338( full at a fancy restaurant — keep those bread baskets coming lady. So go forth, make bread, and break bread with your friends. Dip it in oil, smother it with butter and make the perfect sammie. Just whatever you do, share it. It’s the easiest way to make people love you, believe me.

TOURISM DUNEDIN

With a semi­tropical climate and a wealth of beautiful beaches contam­ inated by feces, the Otago coast is a bountiful landscape of sun, surf, seagulls and sizeable new sewage pipes. Tunnel Beach is well worth a coastward jaunt in your souped­ up Cortina (what’s more, you can travel through Corstorphine and Caversham — the ‘Ponsonby of the South’). For those seeking catharsis that doesn’t involve steep inclines or frigid water, hitting a few golf balls into the ocean off of Lawyers Head will “remove some of the heavy coats from the aura and allow one’s inner truth to fully express itself ”.

Day trips from Dunedin are a must.

You can visit places like Milton, a ‘Town of Opportunities’, the Clutha region, ‘Where Everyone Says Hello’ or Invercargill, ‘Where Dreams are Possible’ (although they need to be fairly mediocre dreams). Travelling south, stop in at the schist­infused international airport at Momona for some infrequent plane spotting and overpriced café food. Brighton, as hyperbolic real estate shysters may have it, is a “laid­back, character­ ?3307( .*%78;*%G+( 750*;( ,"#%Y@( where expansive views of the mighty >*/$?/(;*8(230%7(#$,.(,.0(+$&.,("4( abandoned cars on lawns and where MAF turn a blind eye to the annual ?+.( *-/,$"%'( Z",.$%&( +*8+( n)( 3"10( you babe’ like a romantic paddle in the stagnant estuarine pond located next to the Brighton Store. It’s where dinghy fever meets dengue fever.

Dunedin (IT’S IN NEW ZEALAND)

Master Mouse Patrol is committed to journalistic integrity, editorial honesty and equal opportunity offending — three things of which traditional travel writing is typically unconcerned. So we’ve compiled a list for visitors hoping to experience Dunedin, the Edinburgh of the South.

by JOHNNY THE SCHNITZ

But there is much hidden beauty in Dunedin: catch a bus from the Exchange (or hire a mobility scooter for more authenticity) and soak up the ambience of ‘Big Box’ retailers like The Warehouse; or attend an exciting game of housie; or pick up an old painting of a white horse on a beach at one of the many second­ hand dealerships; or pay homage to the ‘VW up the Pole’ beside the ;","5#*8(e$4(8"-(.":0(,"(+*/5$?/0(*( virgin, you’ll be shit out of luck); or marvel at the huge stack of scrap metal on Portsmouth Dr (only just smaller than the famed sawdust stack at Port Chalmers).

Dunedin’s Mornington cable car stopped running in 1957, so there’s no real reason to head up High St,

unless, of course, you’re a junkie or *( +"5,( "4( ?+.En%GE/.$:( /"%%"$++0-5' Remarkably, per capita, Mornington is home to more high­quality pur­ veyors of fried goods than any other suburb in the world (for those look­ ing for more of a spiritual connection to their battered fare, a drive to the 4*;07( ?+.( *%7( /.$::05$0+( *,( >"5,( Chalmers, Portobello, Waikouaiti or Hampden is also recommended).

Speaking of doughnuts, doing a few ‘domes’ and ‘parking up’ is a long­ standing tradition. In fact, parking up was deemed so important to the city’s cultural tapestry the Council thought it prudent to turn most of St Clair Esplanade, the best piece of real estate in town, into a bunch of angle parks. Signal Hill lookout, Unity Park in Mornington, and the aptly named Rotary Park in Shiel Hill all offer uninterrupted vistas "4(,.0(;*&%$?/0%,(=$,50(BC(=0&*@( which some say can even be seen from the moon.

Dunedin also has a thriving fashion scene, as evidenced by the success of the Vodafone ID Fashion Show and a great range of opportunity shops (although not quite to the standard of secondhand goldmines like Timaru or Invercargill). Much like foreign­ ers buying New Zealand property, ,50%7E+0,,$%&(+,-70%,+(.*10($%!*,07( the price of pre­loved items consid­ erably in recent years, but as a rule, the further the store is from North Dunedin’s ghetto of academia, the cheaper the chic nostalgia will be.

Dunedin’s suburbs (Andersons Bay, Musselburgh, and Tainui, in partic­ -3*5f(8"-(/*%(*3+"(?%7(*(#$70(*55*8( of perfectly manicured hedges. As a result, hedge­running — which, as the name suggests, is the act of run­ %$%&($%,"(*(.07&0(4*/0E?5+,(#$,."-,( using your arms as protection — is actually taught in many Dunedin secondary schools and will soon be taught at the University of Otago.

Otago is incredibly proud of its rich rugby heritage and the stoic sport­ ing warriors the region has fostered.

As such there is more latent homo­ eroticism than you could shake a drunk Highlander at. Next year it is hoped that Dunedin’s inaugural nude rugby competition will boost the crowd numbers at Carisbrook to nine.

If you are looking for an authentic Dunedin experience, binge drink­ ing Castle St home stays can be arranged (couch not included).

Living in the ‘Winterful South’ does have its advantages. If it snows or the roads become covered in ice, try to get to the intersection at Stuart and London streets before the grit trucks arrive. Set up a deck chair, bring your thermos and blanket and watch cars sliding down the hill, completely out of control, and in slow motion. It’s a must­see event and a highlight on any calendar.

Lastly, Dunedin is known for three things: icebergs, the sheep Shrek, Tearooms remain from Dunedin’s and for students burning couches. bygone days. So, bypass the host of Two of these things were famously establishments serving good food combined when Shrek was shorn *%7(/"4400(*%7(?%7(8"-5+034(+";0( on an iceberg — where else but in blue­rinsed serenity at one of the the South? Enjoy Dunedin, no other city’s original tearooms. Make sure town compares. you grab a cheese roll — (a piece of #.$,0(250*7(#$,.(+";0(!*//$7@(:*3­ lid, presumably mild or edam cheese in the middle) it is something of an institution down South.

The Otago Peninsula is awash with 2",.(!"5*(*%7(4*-%*([(,"(,.0(:"$%,( where penguins, seals, albatross and sea lions are considered pests. But for those interested in slightly less David Attenborough­esque attrac­ tions, a jolly jape on the dinosaur slide at St Kilda might be more your cup of prehistoric tea. In many of

LOU HATTON

Wellington (THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE) Affectionately known as The Capital and Wellywood to locals, the city others call Windy Wellington or Abso­ lutely Positively Revolting, is pretty much the heart of NZ. We convinced a local to give us his perspective on life in the epicentre of Kiwiland…

by SHAEBODINE MOLETA SOUNDLY IN THE CITY.

Whatever I do is done with all my heart. I was brought up on an idyl­ lic farm between the Marlborough Sounds and New Zealand’s wine country. So the choice to settle in Wellington was a conscious one — for whilst I recall the beauty and soulfulness of the wide glens and narrow gullies of the Sounds, there is also beauty and soul surround­ ing me in the paved terraces and between the high rises of my new home. The Sounds may have freshly shucked rock­oysters, but the city­ goer has equally exclusive access to expertly drawn espresso.

Knowing the truth of both walks of life, I resist the notion that a life lived hand­in­hand with nature is more noble and admirable than one lived in the city. Let this comment be a celebration of a city­stone that is content to roll no further than to gather the moss of the city. What is the moss of the city then? The irony is that the moss, or should I say that which makes us put down roots and stay put, is the pace; the

movement and diversity and the long list of possibilities and oppor­ tunity to do that which we enjoy.

So while the folk of the Sounds have a beauty and dignity like a stone overlooking a tide — somewhat sol­ emn, or perhaps self­contained; then 9.*,($+($,(*2"-,(,.0(^$,8(,.*,(?5+,( we of the City are the innumerable thrilled me compared to the home smooth polished pieces of seashell of my upbringing? The people! In of every shape and hue that have ,.0(<"-%7+()(?%7(,.050(*50(,#"(+"5,+( settled in beside each other above of person; the solitude and routine the line of the tide. either turns a person into a kind of sage or saint — or else some shade I do not yearn for that rare sight of of recluse or eccentric. In the City a native woodpigeon either. Though there are more types and kinds of I can readily recall the near­mystic us than can possibly be related, and Kereru as an integral part of my many of us wear different masks upbringing — heard by the rumour depending on the diverse company of its wings long before the eye #0( ;*8( ?%7( "-5+0310+( $%'( )%( ,.0( alights upon its white and emerald Sounds, if someone was to bowl shape — I now derive a similar joy along and seat themselves at our $%( +00$%&( *( ?4,00%( 80*5( "37( &$53( $%( very elbow without so much as a her mother’s tow, dressed in all the hello, it would only be our old world right things, and yet somehow at 10+,$&0("4(+034E+*/5$?/$%&(:"3$,0%0++@( odds with her emerging woman­ or perhaps simple state of shock, hood. There will be few moments that would stay our tongue and let like this — for she will soon appear it be. Of course in the City, we think a woman in earnest, either having nothing of it. You do not have the earned, or else learned to bluff, the luxury of personal space — it has demeanour of a city­woman. Or you been chipped away, or perhaps might see the private sigh of the rounded out by constant friction. espresso­barista dragging an arm

across their brow, as they watch another rush of patrons sidle away with their take away cups. And if you do catch their eye you may be lucky to get a rare smile, for the barista is inexhaustible — utterly unshakeable in the execution of their trade.

glance whether to serve you wear­ ing the mask of bloke, gentleman, or glamour puss.

The greatest mystery of the City is the terrible loneliness that can be experienced. Those that live in the utter solitude of the Sounds grow $%,"( *( +034E+-4?/$0%,( *//0:,*%/0( "4( In the Sounds, where things evolve themselves. But when you enter at the pace of a lifetime, you can $%,"(,.0$5(50*3;(8"-(?%7(,.*,(8"-( still meet the Old­Salts. These rare accept them and would not seek to and excellent characters can relate exert change upon them. Whereas to you the account of the last ever the City keeps the cutting edge of whale hunt, or the cutting of the our scorn and condescension sharp road tunnel by pick axe. To feel the indeed! Perhaps at the root of the raw power of their hand­shake — loneliness of the City is that we do they who have endured the whims not need to accept each other, for of season and weather, who have in a moment we will have passed seldom asked for help and who have each other by. It is still worth it — !"-5$+.07( $%( ,.0$5( 4*+.$"%( +"( ,.*,( to live in the City is to attend the they will never be forgotten — is a next wine tasting where the com­ privilege. But I am no less content pany of musicians, professors, chefs, with the carefully exerted passions curators, baristas, fashionistas, and of the master sommeliers and cock­ sommeliers consoles me. tail­waiters of the City — they who carve their own existence within If city­life has a few less murmur­ ,.0(;"+,(!00,$%&("4(,.0(^$,8G+(0%,05­ ing rivulets, if I seldom catch the prises; they who can discern at a aroma of rain showers passing over

parched earth, if I less regularly call in on my neighbours — assuming I have met the most recent set at all — it doesn’t matter. Because outside is a myriad of movement and unpre­ dictable change akin to the chaotic "5/.0+,5*,$"%("4(*(&50*,(+."*3("4(?+.'

D0*-,8($+(%",(+"3038(,.0(;*&%$?/0%,( faces of mountains or the callous majesty of oceans, nor is it found "%38($%(,.*,(5*50(!"#05("5(/50*,-50'( Soundly within the City I dwell, and life itself strikes me as terribly worthy and beautiful. There is the power of life here in the city.

MEN AT WORK SPIRITS IN THE CITY — For

Brooklyn­ based artist RYAN FRANK, industrial #"2%0-"&.'.%0D%'".'"'*22-+8')0"#%')10' his photographs of men at work. The artist has used shipping pallets (pic­ tured on the Brooklyn waterfront at last year’s D.U.M.B.O. Art Under the Bridge Festival), plastic curtains (seen at left at the annual Crest Hardware Show in Williamsburg), and concrete cinder blocks to present these life­size images which are printed in sections 1)' 20"+.;"0%+7/' *&#' "+,' %#?%,,%,' between sheets of acrylic. Using a DIY aesthetic, these monumental portraits of labour offer a whimsical perspective on class, identity and the proliferation of images.

R o a ming Rep o rt er

PART ONE Go to Big Sur one day.

You won’t regret it. Ever.

Get up early one morning and head north out of LA. Once you’re beyond the Valley, enjoy a frosted caffeinated beverage in Santa Barbara. You probably enjoyed a few too many Cadillac Margaritas at a seedy bar that moonlights as a strip club on Santa Monica the night before.

Make sure your chauffeur does the same. Since you won’t be able to drive without an inter­ national license, she becomes an integral member of your party of two. Keep her happy.

Make sure the only disagreement you have is over music.

D-,(+$%/0(*(,5$:(,"(D$&(<-5($+("%38(0105(#$,.(4*;$38@(45$0%7+("5(*(+$&%$?/*%,(",.05@(50*3(:5"2­ lems won’t materalise until well into the third day. By this time you’ll be well past Monterey and on the way to SF. If your road trip was Boogie Nights, Big Sur would be the part in the movie when Wahlberg gets his scene with Julianne Moore. Monterey is the New Year’s Eve double homicide. SF is the drug deal.

EL GRAND PAIS DEL SUR, or the big Southern land. It references the coast line somewhere between Cambria to the South and Monterey to the North. Assuming you stop for lunch in Cambria, you’ve probably got an hour or so before you start to see it take shape. And then it takes shape. But it creeps up on you. Or you creep up on it. It’s a bit like taking drugs. ‘Are they working? Is it supposed to take this long? Am I peaking; have I peaked? … Shit!?’ If you think you’re in Big Sur, you’re most likely there. Don’t fret that it ends any time soon. It’s beyond any shitty drugs you’ve ever taken. And the good ones don’t compare either. But what is it?

I

n a basic sense, it’s a rocky coastline, stretching about 50 miles up the California coast.

H.0(B(703$/*,038(#$%7+(*(:*,.(*3"%&(,.$+(,-52-30%,(/"*+,3$%0@(#*10+(45";(,.0(>*/$?/( crashing against the rocks a thousand feet below you, while the hills you tightly hug rise 3000 feet above you, obscuring the moon in a fading light high up over your right shoulder, with the setting sun over the oceanic horizon to your left. Physically, Big Sur, is a stunning specimen; breathtakingly so.

But delve deeper into its history and you will discover why you feel how you feel as you have a wander in its midst. Great writers and poets of the Beat Generation spent much time up there; musicians from the ’60s and ’70s recorded music there; actors of the same era would wittle away their fortunes on mind­altering, month­long benders — think Nicholson in his prime. The great American writer Henry Miller has a library dedicated to him there. Make +-50(8"-(+,":(,.050(*%7(2-8(*(2""6(*%7(7"%G,(4"5&0,(,"(&0,($,(+,*;:07(#$,.(,.0("4?/$*3(n)(#*+( here’ stamp. It’s authentic. These artistic greats were all there for a reason; not just for the sea views and the proximity to the Monterey Aquarium.

There’s a certain spirituality you discover there. It’s something to do with how small the place makes you feel. You gain some perspective on your life. Sheer rugged beauty combined with overwhelming vastness allows you to call on your introspective voice. Let him talk to you, because this is where he belongs. Fully embrace his presence.

And while you’re there think of Jack Kerouac, who had much to say about Big Sur, including this from his novel of the same name: “It’s as familiar as an old face in an old photograph as tho I’m gone a million years from all that sun shaded brush on rocks and that heart­ less blue of the sea washing white on yellow sand, those rills of yellow arroyo running down the mighty cliff shoulders, those distant blue meadows, that whole ponderous groaning upheaval so strange to see after the last several days of just looking at little faces and mouths of people.”

Make sure you enjoy it all with a bottle of the local Zinfandel and some Fleet Foxes. And don’t forget the Tecate!

PART TWO Safety and sobriety

are important to some people.

When the subject is airport security, the number increases. And the people get edgier. If you are one of these people, I would advise you to steer clear of Terminal 4 at J.F.K. In fact, if it’s just the solace of a standard check­in experience you are after, then be sure to drive right on by and maybe try Terminal 5.

Part of the problem is that nobody really goes there. Approaching the airport, my cab driver didn’t know where my airline (Aer Lingus) was housed. Fortunately for me I speak English +"()(#*+(*230(,"(50*7(,.0(+$&%'(J$+(50+:"%+0(#*+(*3"%&(,.0(3$%0+("4@(]$,(?&-50+j(,.*,G+(#.050(*33( the homeless airlines tend to be.” This was not an ideal start. Due to the rudiments of check­ "-,(,$;0+@()(;*%*&07(,"(,-5%(-:(,"(H05;$%*3(k(*(&""7(+$\(."-5+(0*538(4"5(;8(!$&.,'(H.$+(#*+( an eye­opener.

J*1$%&(+";0(,$;0(,"(6$33()(,."-&.,()G7(?%7(*(:3*/0(,"(?50(-:(,.0(/";:-,05(*%7(*7750++(,.0( chasm in my stomach. I noticed there was a security/customs screening area in the middle of the terminal but either side of this, there were wide open spaces you could walk through to get down to your gate, without ever having to be put through the hassles of security check­ ing. I decided to test the waters and see if this was a hoax, and whether I was at risk of one of the 4 cops and 8 armed force personnel (teams of 2) pulling a Glock on my ass. No such 3-/6'()(70/$707(,"(7$+50&*57(,.0(4*/,(,.*,(,.0(+0/-5$,8("%38(*::3$07(,"(:0":30($%(*(+:0/$?/(:*5,( of the terminal. Such are the nuances of Terminal 4, I guess. And besides, this terrorism threat thing is a bit passé, non?

“My enduring impression of Terminal 4 will be the amount of people walking round with exactly the same how­did­I­get­here face.”

The beauty of Terminal 4 is the myriad airlines that I never thought existed who live there. ),G+(:"++$230(+";0(#050(.*1$%&(,.0$5(?5+,(7*8("4(":05*,$"%'(I$5()%7$*(#*+(:5"2*238(,.0(.0*18­ weight amongst them, however one mustn’t overlook the virtues of carriers from Galapagos, Ukraine, Jamaica and the rival Pakistani faction. Yet what Terminal 4 lacks in presence of its occupants, it makes up for in sheer vastness and spaciousness. Its human/km ratio would be somewhere near Australia (roughly 200th in the world), and if it ever closed down, they could do worse than transform it into a 9 hole pitch and putt.

My enduring impression of Terminal 4 will be the amount of people walking round with exactly the same how­did­I­get­here face, as if they had just stumbled into an episode of The Twilight Zone'(H.*,@(*%7(,.0(/*3$250("4(:*++0%&05+(#*$,$%&(4"5(,.0$5(!$&.,(,"(X$%&+,"%("%(I_MBh'(<*8( that with a West Indian accent and try not to sound cool. Do it. See. Now picture these casual specimens in shades and t­shirts as if it’s not 25 degrees Fahrenheit outside. They looked like Mike Jenkins just as he’s getting his rum tap installed at his house.

— MACKAVELI

It can be with an air of self­congratulation that active participants in the creative sector note the emergence of the creative economy as a mainstream assumption of value in both the arts in their widest sense and various scales of economic activity — local, regional, %*,$"%*3(*%7(&3"2*3'(H.*,(0;05&0%/0(50!0/,+( qualities long understood by those partici­ pants, notably the centrality of creative innovation as a condition at the heart of the generative activities that “creatives” have *3#*8+( :-5+-07'( ),( 50!0/,+( ,#$%%07( $70*+( that a broader range of citizens or social institutions have (at last) begun to recognise the value of what creative practitioners make and do and that the manner in which they act (independent, self­motivating, self­sus­ taining) is, itself, a valuable proposition.

Importantly, value in this context shifted beyond what some might view as indistinct or overly generalised notions of cultural value towards something altogether more con­ crete — the capacity for creative activity to contribute to real wealth generation and to *(25"*705(+"/$*3(20%0?,("4(0/"%";$/(&5"#,.'

Initially, there was an air that this was some sort of grand correction. That the trope of the starving artist or the mythology of long years of struggle preceding a breakthrough and subsequent just recognition were somehow 50/,$?07( 28( *( ;"50( #$70E+:50*7( 50!0/,$"%( that creativity wasn’t simply a matter of con­ tributing in some vague way to ideas of cul­ tural declaration or enhancement. Creativity #*+@( ?%*338( *%7( 5$&.,4-338@( 50/"&%$+07( *+( having real (meaning monetary) value.

CREATIVE UTILITARIANISM.

by PETER SHAND PHD

Undertow

that this has a direct correlation with the lack of agricultural science graduates, say, assumes that education is a matter of stark, simplistic choices. Follow­up assertions that creative degrees are easy (with the correla­ ,$10(,.*,(*&E+/$($+(7$4?/-3,f(7"(3$,,30(,"(*71*%/0( the position and merely sensationalise what come to look to the arts­lobby as the stereo­ typical ignorance of both social and economic conservatives.

The position, though not quite so limited or as blunt, is one that is predicated on the refusal of the idea that the post­industrial economy is a creative economy. Nicholson, of course, is representative of the primary sector and makes a good case for the need to invest strongly in the capacity to capitalise on essen­ tial needs of global consumption so, to an extent, he circumvents the notion of a “post” successor. Nevertheless, his retreat to an anti­ innovation position is, strikingly, a rehearsal of a classic division within the New Zealand economy and of its social history — the rural/ urban divide. To an extent, it is a position shared by a government that has retrenched programmes established by the previous administration that sort to foster creative economic growth (the Bright Futures initiative and the Growth and Innovation Framework).

Economies of scale, the need to serve mar­ kets promptly, the critical mass of consumer activity are among the reasons that cultural industries are, perforce, urban industries.

9.0%("%0(,*36+("4(*5,@(70+$&%@(?3;@("5(4*+.$"%E capitals, as centres of creative innovation and excellence, the internal reference to cities is Regional and national government agencies plain. Moreover, “creative cities” as a nomen­ in numerous industrialised countries cele­ /3*,-50(,.*,(3"/*,0+(,.0(0/"%";$/(20%0?,+("4( brated the economic drivers of the creative metropolitan centres of creative endeavour sector and calculated the contributions to is routinely adopted for strategic planners in different levels of the economy. In Britain in local and regional government. Certainly a the early 1990s, for example, a key moment number of politicians and arts­wonks embrace in the recognition of that particular and spe­ the art/economy speak of creative entrepre­ /$?/(;"70("4(1*3-0(#*+(#.0%(,.0(1*3-0("4(,.0( neurship as part of an overall rhetoric of British music industry surpassed that of 7$105+$?/*,$"%@(&5"#,.(*%7(#0*3,.(&0%05*,$"%'( British Steel. In some ways this is a classic It helps that in the early part of this decade, formulation of the hip, nimble, new industry at least, it was true and that creative indus­ triumphing over an anachronistic behemoth tries of all stripes contributed surprisingly in decline. It led the way for the vigorous +$&%$?/*%,(*;"-%,+(,"(50&$"%*3(0/"%";$0+' work of the Department of Media, Culture and support in Tony Blair’s New Labour adminis­ To that extent, the creative economy was a ,5*,$"%'( H.0( /50*,$10( 0/"%";$/( 5*;$?/*,$"%+( boon on any one of a number of levels. It of “Cool Britannia” became widely and speed­ 50!0/,07(#.*,(#*+(,*60%(,"(20(*(70;*%7$%&( ily absorbed and adapted into discourse on but pleasurable work activity and standard­ the creative economy at its antipode. ised an assumption that it was undertaken by equipped, skilled individuals who could Of course there have been nay­sayers. In New meet the expanded demands of an increas­ Zealand in 2009, the Chairman of Federated ingly savvy consumer public. The freedom to Farmers, Don Nicholson, was at the fore­ work in an area in which practitioners were front of claims that the country has too many passionate and where they could commercialise *5,+(*%7(?%0(*5,+(&5*7-*,0+'(H.0(*++-;:,$"%( that passion presents as an almost ideal form

of practitioner empowerment in which each was responsible for her own destiny and was freed form the demands of some sort of public ?%*%/$*3(+-::"5,(*::*5*,-+' Creativity, in this sense, can become complicit in “fast capitalism,” the economic incentives of responsive, quick turn­around creative products encourage the short­term address of consumer interests. At the same time, it involves a retreat from older modes of crea­ tive practices, most notably that they served *+(:3*/0+(4"5(,."-&.,(*%7(50!0/,$"%'(H.050($+( a reminder here that one of the important values of creative products is that they have the capacity to challenge their audiences and/ or have the ability to help citizen consumers engage differently with their world. A dis­ proportionate focus on the achievement of immediate economic success is more than likely to be distanced from that sort of risk and the resultant work is likely to be thinner, less demanding, more narrow in its value and in its capacity to contribute to social or cultural development.

It is in this regard that the key risks of adopting an uncritical assumption of the economic drivers as a central concern of the creative sector emerge. Individualism in cre­ ative activity can come to look very much as ,."-&.( $,( 50!0/,+( /"50( *++-;:,$"%+( "4( %0"E liberalist economics. In an echo of a Romantic conceptualisation of creative endeavour, indi­ vidualistic creativity became to be seen as a spring that individuals could tap into and give rise to new work. That same allegedly innate capacity becomes something capable of being capitalised — it becomes an exploit­ able resource.

The value of creativity comes close to reaching a tipping point at this juncture, wherein its +$&%$?/*%/0(e4"5(:5*/,$,$"%05+@(/$,$R0%+@(/";­ munities) becomes determined wholly by its /*:*/$,8(,"(&0%05*,0(*(1058(+:0/$?/(4"5;("4( wealth. On one hand this is no bad thing.

The success and well­being of creatives is an *//-5*,0( 50!0/,$"%( "4( ,.0( +"/$*3( .0*3,.( "4( *( society. Certainly it is important that crea­ tive practitioners earn viable income from their work. But, equally so, it is vital that in ,.0(5-+.(,"(*++-;0(,.*,(,.0(+"/$*3(20%0?,+("4( the creative activity will naturally accrue from economic success one remains vigilant to the traditional values of cultural production —

that creativity enhances, advances, provokes, challenges, entertains and enlightens. These are conditions that are crucial, meaningful *%7(+$&%$?/*%,([(*%7($4(,.08(*50(4"5&",,0%($%( the drive to ensure the commercial success of creativity then we will all be the poorer for it: practitioners, citizens, communities and, contra the nay­sayers, nations.

Don’t mistake the point; economic viability is essential for creative practitioners but it is only ever part of the equation of what makes for excellence and sustainability. Yet for the rhetoric of the creative economy to be more meaningful, more than simply rhetoric, two things need to occur. First, it must generate revenue for practitioners that is sustainable.

Working all hours and constantly seeking new clients in order to grow a sole­operator business is not, regardless of how enjoyable or personally satisfying that work might be.

In short, the money needs to commensurate with the labour — both intellectual and phys­ ical. Secondly, it needs to do more than merely satisfy momentary consumer demand. It needs to assist us as citizens to deal with the com­ plexities of the world we inhabit, to adapt to change, to improve our situations not just present us with more and more things. In other words, it needs to equalise the value of the component terms: creative; economy.

Much as the successes of the creative economy justify a certain degree of self­congratulation within the sector, it is important that all par­ ticipants in that economy maintain positions ,.*,( *50( !0\$230( ,"( *%7( 0;25*/$%&( "4( ,.0( many different values creativity embodies.

Innovation is as much about the pursuit of new ideas and new as it is about new modes of commercialisation.

An instructive narrative concerning the need to secure that equivalence involves the sec­ tor’s gleeful retelling of an apocryphal story of graduate preferences of major American corporations. It was said that these actively preferred MFA graduates over MBA gradu­ ates — the logic being was that what they most valued was creative thought. This fact was trumpeted by all of us in the creative sector — as proof of creative education’s value, both as developing modes of thought but most particularly its economic value.

One of the principal corporations involved in that preference was General Motors.

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AMERICA for FREE A photo essay from freshly patriotic eyes, taken on the road directly after attending the Inauguration of President Barack Obama — CHACHI BONCH expresses her own surprise in the discovery of an incredibly diverse and rich landscape that stretches far beyond any boundaries of red or blue. Inspiration here ranges from the Salt Flats of Utah to the Forgotten Coast of Florida, from a Nebraskan Bible Camp to the Sahara that is White Sands New Mexico, from the ranches of Texas to the mansions of South Carolina...this is America for free.

Image courtesy of Chris Jordan and Kopeikin Gallery, Los Angeles, www.chrisjordan.com

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Dear Bambi, I’ve got this boyfriend who I really like but he keeps shocking me. Like he says he loves how I look but then tells me I can lose a few pounds. He loves how I dress but sees other girls and says they look better than me.

He wants me to move in but acts weird when I stay over. What should I do? Can you help me?

Love, ‘Confused’ Maroubra, NSW.

Honey Child, Who the fuck is this guy? Firstly you need a brain transplant for fucking a toe rag like this! Is he rich? Is he 4*;"-+g( )+( .0( 8"-5( ?5+,( *%7( "%38( 2"845$0%7g( I50( 8"-( "%( ,.0( 502"-%7( 45";( .$+( 4*,.05g( I50( 8"-( *( 30+2$*%Vg( Are you a solo mum? How the hell have you gotten yourself into this dire situation!? I bet you work at KFC with this chicken stuffer! I mean he says you’re too fat! What the fuck is that about?! Give me a break! You let him stick his chicken penis into you when and obviously how he pleases and you let him call you fat?

You would think seeking advice from a drag queen would be fraught with danger. But we’ve received endless emails from MMP fans looking for Bambi’s advice on all topics — from what heels to wear to a wedding to how to look hot naked. She has agreed to help out one of her herd in each edi­ tion, so without further ado …

Girlfriend, just remember men are lazy, most are dogs, they get into a familiar pattern and get comfortable.

You need to change the way this dog works! And fucks! Maybe next time you’re doing the nasty and his pecker $+(700:($%+$70(8"-(e"%0("5(,#"($%/.0+f(T-+,(204"50(.0(/";0+(e*%7(8"-(6%"#(#.0%(,.*,($+Vf(+,$/6(8"-5(?%&05(-:( .$+(*++."30($%(*%7("-,(50*3(%*+,8(3$60(*%7(#*,/.(,.0(+:*56+(!8V(i5(,*36(7$5,8(,"(.$;(e7$5,8(,*36(;0*%+(38$%&( talk) … tell him how big he is how you love it from behind! Or how his cock is like a jackhammer and you love it fast and furious like the movie or grunt like a Kunekune just as he spurts his jiz all over your back! Or better yet, you lick his balls whilst he’s fucking you, the best yet! Or you take a shit on him when you’re next intimate and tell him the Earth moved, and when you orgasmed you lost all bodily function! You will test his testicles *%7(8"-(#$33(70?%$,038(6%"#($4(.0G+(;*%(0%"-&.(4"5(*(#";*%(3$60(8"-V(Z"#(.0(#*%,+(8"-(,"(;"10($%(,.0%("-,'( Yes then no? What the hell is going on here, fatty sex or no fatty sex!? Jesus are you there only for the rent and rates?? Or does he have some kiddies he needs you to look after? This guy is shaping up to be an A­Grade Wagyu piece of shithead loser! I bet he’s 50 and a white supremacist with one testicle!? And you are a Russian internet bride? I need to know! Please send me a photo (not nude! that would take the fantasy out of this island!).

As for the last bit — he looks at other women — get used to it! He’s a scumbag, admittedly your scumbag at present, but the mere fact that you kind of talk about owning him makes me think he’s your very own pig dog!

Well don’t get me started on that one! I suggest you send him to Bambi — I’ll fuck the little shit maybe in a three way! Bambi, your boyfriend and my best friend Bertha! (a big black dildo I purchased on amazon.com during the Boxing Day sales!). That way I can assess his value to you and the she­male race in general as we straight women know men are only good if they can fuck like a Jesuit priest! And pay the bills! HA! It’s said and done! Seriously if this 2­inch isn’t making you feel happy, make your heart skip a beat when you see him everyday then dump the fucker! Life is too short and time is not on a straight woman’s side in 2010!

X BAMBI

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