Issuu

o editorial

April Fool’s Day should be a public holiday

If the King can get a public holiday just for being born, then I should get one for being funny.

April Fool’s Day is the day when those of us who can make people laugh should be put on a pedestal. For every giggle we have induced over the past year, we should get a gold coin donation.

But while the general public can be far too serious, they don’t take April Fool’s Day seriously enough. April Fool’s Day has a long and rich history, making it a strong contender for 2026’s list of New Zealand public holidays.

The holiday began with France in the 1500s, when they changed from the Julian calendar (established by Julius Caesar) to the Gregorian calendar which we still use today. In the old calendar, the year started on April 1st, but the new calendar began on January 1st. Yet another reason April Fool’s should be a public holiday — it's the original New Years!

It took a while for word to travel about the new calendar system, so many kept celebrating New Years on April 1st — which led to the natural mocking of the April fool. Those confused became victims of pranks,

including having a paper fish placed on their backs to symbolise a gullible, easily caught person. These people were called “poisson d’avril”, meaning April fish.

The first mention of April Fools’ Day in Britain was in 1686, when biographer John Aubrey described April 1st as a “ Fooles holy day.” By the 18th century, Scotland had begun a two-day tradition for April pranks. The first day involved sending people on fake errands, and the second day involved fake tails and ‘kick me’ signs being secretly pinned on bums.

If Scotland could have two days for April Fools, can’t we at least have one?

There is some speculation that April Fool’s Day could be tied to Mother Nature of all people. Some believe the day could be related to the first day of Spring in the Northern Hemisphere, when Mother Nature is fooling us with the unpredictable change of weather. She’s just goofy like that.

Currently, there are 11 national public holidays in New Zealand. But all of these 11 days are for serious occasions. We as a country have a natural funny bone, and our list of public holidays should reflect this. We need a day where we can reflect on the time that guy said “Nek minnit” in 2011, or the ghost chips drunk driving ad, or when Chris Hipkins told people to “Go out and spread their legs” in 2021.

I want to see politicians sneak into each other's offices, co-workers moving each other’s cars to weird places, and parents lying to their kids (hopefully making them cry).

I would dare to say that Kiwi’s love to laugh more than they like the monarchy. If the limit is 11 public holidays, then let's cut King’s Birthday, and replace it with April Fool’s Day.

—Love, Sammy.

C

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Disclaimer: The views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the editor.

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long-time mascot. He is also a sex god, alpha ram and horned up fuckboy.

Q. Fergie, I’m going to stay with this girl I’ve been talking to in Otago soon, but I’m scared the party culture will be too much for me. How can I be more extroverted?

Otago is a beast, and you must tame it with charm, charisma, and a bit of lube.

This one time I was sleeping with this magnificent sheep who studied at Otago University. She was quite the partier, and as I love a good party, I’d often go and visit her down South.

I’d heard the stories about Dunedin being full of paddock parties and mud fights, but nothing could have prepared me for the real thing.

My sheep babe took me to a party at a paddock on Castle Street. I walked in to see a three-way kiss, someone fingering a hollow fencepost, and a couple having sex inside the bucket of a digger.

I could have been shocked, I could have turned around and left, but instead, I recognised one of the chicks in the digger bucket. She stopped what she was doing (fucking) and pointed at me. She said, “Hey Fergus! What ya doing in Dunedin boy? Come on then, get in the bucket!”

My fling looked at the girl, and then at me, and smiled. She took my hoof and led me up the digger and into the bucket. We had a glorious time, and the digger bucket made for a perfect hard surface to grind on.

If you should learn anything from my experience, it’s that you should embrace your visit to Otago. Open your arms and your legs to everything it has to offer. And should you find yourself near any heavy machinery — take full advantage.

Pick up next week's issue for Fergus' DIY column 'Fix it Fergus' xxx

heyyyy... wanna explore my bush? ;)

Freeing the bush was my downfall

My first relationship was when I was in high school, and in hindsight wasn’t really a relationship — for him at least. For me, I was in love. I wrote him notes (which he would throw out), I said “hi” to him in the hallway at school (which he ignored), and I told all my friends about him (which he never did).

What he did do, however, was give great head. That dude used to eat the shit out of me, and god DAMN was it good. Despite never speaking to me in public, he would always sneak over at night. I’m still not sure if he actually liked me or simply just couldn’t resist the sweet taste of my girl down below. At this point, I didn’t care. He could make me finish EVERY TIME. You try to find yourself a man who can do that.

A few months in of him sneaking into my bedroom to eat me out, he got braces. I had no issues with this. We are all teenagers at some point, and a good chunk of us have shitty ass teeth. Just as I had no issue with the braces, he had no issues with my vagina having a full bush. I liked a full bush. It kept me warm.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” I screamed. He looked up at me helplessly, and I realised he had a mouth full of my pubes stuck in his brand-new braces. Now listen, we TRIED to sort the situation out by ourselves. But it fucking hurt, and we couldn’t move at the same time without ripping the entire forest off my vag. So, I did what any girl does in this situation and called my mum.

After my mum pushed some scissors through the crack under my bedroom door, we cut ourselves free. My boyfriend promptly left, and my mum had a discussion with me about safe sex.

I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. I still wanted to get good head after all. This was all in vain however, because the next day I received a text from my boyfriend in second period Maths: “Hey, can’t come over anymore sorry. My parents are pissed because I broke my braces last night. Good luck with everything.”

The day after he got his braces on, he came over to mine as per usual. He ate me out, I came, and just as he was pulling away — PAIN exploded down below.

heyyy... make an anonymous submission at massivemagazine.org.nz/sexcapades

HOROSCOPES

OROSCOPES

CANCER

This week, you will spend more time perfecting the aesthetic of your study notes than actually studying. But hey, at least your colour-coded headings will impress your friends.

You’ve been looking for a job, or at least thinking about applying for some. This week, it’s time to actually take action. Keep an eye out for job listings that say, "Must be willing to learn."

CAPRICORN

This week, you will fight for your life to find a good study spot, only to spend the next two hours scrolling on your phone. Instead, study at home and lock your phone somewhere. Don’t waste your time.

You have a new person entering

AQUARIUS

Aquarius, we can all see your strong urge to reinvent yourself. But changing your personality or look won’t fix your underlying issues. You can only hide behind a fringe for so long.

You’ve been repeating outfits a lot recently, and everyone is starting to notice. Let your creativity out and dress up this week. Reach to the back of your closet and wear something you neglect.