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IT’S SAFER TO BE AT SUMMER SCHOOL Get a head-start on Semester One 2014 by taking up to 60 credits at Summer School. Classes start 18 November 2013. MASSEY.AC.NZ/SUMMERSCHOOL OR CALL 0800 MASSEY (627 739)


FEATURES 16 Not Winning by Finning

20 The Sex Scales: Burn Your Bra or Buy a Blazer and Get Over It

24 Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

28 Lucky You, Lucky Us

31 Ayla Rorik

36 To Envy or Not to Envy

40 Kingseat Psych Hospital... A Haunting Experience

42 Adapt or Dai

46 Journey Into the Unknown

48 Leo Bertos: Striking Ambition

50 Stranger In A Strange Land

52 Dewing Her Thing

54 The Adventures of Dick Hardy


The Back





In Short




Local Notices


Geofff Deathigan




Morgan Browne 0800 MASSEY ext. 62136 ART DIRECTION & DESIGN

Sean Walker 0800 MASSEY ext. 62064 ADVERTISING & SPONSORSHIP

Jacob Webb 027 894 8000 WEB MANAGEMENT


Albany – Tasmin Wheeler Manawatu/Extramural – Rachel Purdie CONTRIBUTORS

Rachel Purdie, Tasmin Wheeler, Sasha Borissenko, Brigitte Masters, Annabel Hawkins, Steve Ratte, Jimmy Jansen, Anna Tabrum, Tayla Rea, Ross Mikels, Lauren Crimp, Sam Kilmister, KaraJane Chapman, Josh Berry, Jamie Sharpe, Dick Hardy, Almaz Rabb, Local Food Network, Claydan Krivan-Mutu, Paul Berrington, Callum O’Neill, Blake Leitch, Charlie Mitchell

ISSUE 07, 2013 E d i to r i a l

This month has been an interesting one for us. MASSIVE has received angry anonymous letters in the mail since the publishing of the Extramural Students’ Society (EXMSS) story, and threats of lawsuits. But, lo and behold; no lawsuit has yet appeared, and we absolutely stand by our story. To keep up to date with the investigation, check out our website, as articles are updated as new information becomes available. Most people don’t know that we get all of our stories checked for defamation by an experienced journalist and academic prior to printing, and we’re pretty careful to get all of our facts right. For every story we undertake, we do it for you; the students. Whether it is so you know where your student levy money is going, or how you can make the change you want to see at your university, we’ll try and cover it. This month we’ve also had many complaints about Dick Hardy, our in-house womaniser – some of which are shared in the ‘letters’ section. I’d like to take this time to state that we write a warning label in the standfirst at the top of every one of Dick’s adventures, and it is a voluntary exercise in reading the article; nobody is forcing you to read it. If someone is forcing you to read

it, please include this in your complaint so that we can ring the police for you. If any of you are thinking of complaining to the Broadcasting Standards Authority about us in the future, please note that the BSA only applies to broadcast media. We do take complaints seriously, however, and processes about doing so can be found on our website. On the plus side, we have some extremely cool giveaways this month! We’ve upgraded our Flume giveaway, plus we’re also giving one lucky winner a chance to head off to the Gold Coast for five nights with a mate! Check out the giveaways section to find out how to enter. This is the second-to-last MASSIVE for the year, so if you want to get involved in the lucky last, hit me up on the email provided . Catch y’all on the flipflop, Morgan P.I - Editor Correction from previous issue: In Who to pick a bone with? The Psychoactive Substances Bill MASSIVE quoted Star Trust general manager Grant Hall saying that his organisation does test legal high substances on any animals. It should have said “His organisation does test legal high substances on any rodent”. MASSIVE apologises.


Harry Culy, Brodie Nel, Ash Nel, Iain Anderson Sean Walker Publisher ISSN 2253-5918 (Print) ISSN 2253-5926 (Online) Disclaimer: The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages in MASSIVE magazine do not necessarily represent those of Massey University, its staff, Albany Students’ Association (ASA), Massey University Students’ Association (MUSA), Massey at Wellington Students’ Association (MAWSA), Extramural Students’ Society (EXMSS) or the MASSIVE editor.

Come get some Free stuff Twitter: @massivemagnz

This publication uses vegetable based inks and environmentally responsible papers. The document is printed throughout on SUMO Laser, which is FSC® certified and from responsible forests, manufactured under ISO14001 Environmental Management Systems. MASSIVE magazine is committed to reducing its environmental footprint.



Amateur, we stitch our spare copies into THE matTress

To the Editor, I recently found a copy of your latest issue hidden under the floorboards of my son’s room, and I’d like to take the opportunity to express my horror at some of the content you choose to publish. My son is only 22 years old. He is not old enough to process salacious material, because he is not yet an adult. So why do you think it’s okay to force him to read stories about the loose women Richard Hardy copulates with, drugs such as “hemp” (which is the street name for Marijuana - I wasn’t born yesterday), and references to videogames, which are the sole cause of numerous massacres in the last few years? New Zealand is a Christian nation founded on Christian principles, which is why I am lobbying the government to make it illegal to print anything I personally find offensive. People often say to me that people are not “forced” to read your magazine, and that they can “choose” not to read it because they have “free will”. What absolute nonsense! Does the victim of a violent crime “choose” to be assaulted? Where is their “free will”. I know for a fact my son has involved himself in the sinful act of masturbation. I know this because I found some crumpled tissues with a sticky consistency next to the Mens’ Fitness magazines he keeps in the wall cavity behind his bookshelf. He would never have sinned in such a way before you subjected him to your magazine, which actively promotes such behaviour. Hide behind the security blanket you call “freedom of expression”. Continue to hold the readers of your publication hostage with your liberal, homosexual, atheist agenda. We are the silent majority, and we’re not going to take it anymore. Sue Smithy


To the Editor, Your written material is perverse and pubescent. Let the lad masturbate into his own nightshirt but keep him off your printed pages unless you put an R18 on it. A complaint to the University Chancellor, the broadcasting standards authority, and all of your sponsors is on its way From Helena Burnett Gray DICK: IN OR OUT?

Dear Editor, During this year I have picked up editions of your magazine at the bus stop and the cafe while on contact courses at Massey. On both occasions I have read the first half or so and enjoyed the combination of lighthearted, informative and challenging articles. On both occasions I never got to the end of the magazine. Recently I picked up the latest copy and discovered Dick Hardy’s column. I was now relieved that neither of my young children, who are competent readers, had also perused my mags. While I would have been relaxed about debriefing condom snorting or the article about Lola, a child in the sex industry, I thought Dick’s descriptions of his experiences unnecessary and, in the works of the broadcasting standards authority, not consistent with “good taste and decency”. I would like your commitment to remove Dick’s adventures from future magazines. Due to the reputation of student magazines as a law unto themselves, I expect that I will have to take further measures to show that a large enough portion of your audience does not appreciate this type of literature. Thanks for your consideration of my email and perhaps you will surprise me! I am available for discussion if you would like to ring me. Sincerely, Cheri Birch


To the inquisitive second year student, It isn’t that I don’t want to explain my major project to you; it’s just that 4 years here has made me cynical.  It’s not that your sweet-hearted questions annoy me, it’s that I see us both on a conveyor belt, and I am about to drop off the end.  I see you, and all of your mates, and all of the people who aren’t your mates, and all of the first years, and all of their mates, and all the people who aren’t their mates, and I think, fuck; that’s a lot of people. Even the chirpiest bird in my class of fourth years has become a hollowed out, unshaven, stress-ball ghost of his former self.  I don’t mean to piss on your academic chips.  I just wanted to tell you, from a four year deep point of view, this place looks a little like a factory.  From, Cynical


MASSIVE welcomes letters of all shapes and sizes. They should be preferably emailed to editor@ although they can be dropped into any students’ association office. The editor reserves the right to edit, abridge or just plain bastardise them and can refuse any that are in bad taste or defamatory. EVERY LETTER WINS! All letters receive a prize courtesy of MASSIVE magazine. This month, it is a Peoples’ Coffee and Red Bull prize pack. Email the editor to arrange collection of your prize.

Massive IN SHORT




EXMSS STAFFER SUSPENDED S A S H A B O R I S S E N KO Massey extramural students’ communications manager and web publisher Adam Dodd has been stood down after allegations of employee misconduct, effectively shutting down MASSIVE’s online distribution of content. The suspension follows calls for a special general meeting over concerns to do with the payment and performance of extramural student president Jeanette “JV” Chapman. EXMSS failed to respond to MASSIVE requests for confirmation and an explanation of the suspension. EXMSS provides services to Massive and MAWSA where they publish MASSIVE data under a university media grant agreement. Mr Dodd, who worked with MASSIVE to provide online content and web services, said there was a directive in place that prohibited him from speaking to the media. “At this point I’m reasonably content with how things have been going and I don’t feel comfortable commenting right now. I hope to wait until things have progressed a little more.” An investigation needed to take place before he could comment, he said. “I can’t speculate or comment as to why this has happened.” MASSIVE became aware of the suspension after MASSIVE art director and designer Sean Walker telephoned EXMSS student services manager Anne Palmer on September 3 enquiring about outstanding work that had not been uploaded. MAWSA association manager George Bertos sent an email to Ms Chapman on September 5 that said he just wanted to let her know that Massive had pending work regarding uploads and changes to the MASSIVE and MAWSA websites.

“As you are aware our usual contact for this is Adam Dodd, however I understand that he is not currently available. “We had notified Adam via web pitches/notifications on MASSIVE online, which haven’t been received - and we have had no communication with him since as he usually checks the content.” Ms Chapman refused to answer the question saying, “Contact Murray who should be in the office today, Chris or Tammie.” MASSIVE Issue 6 was supposed to be uploaded on August 14 and August 30; it was uploaded incorrectly on September 5. Ms Palmer said on September 6 she could not respond to questions as that was the job of media spokesperson, Ms Chapman. Ms Chapman was on Annual Leave until September 9, she said. MAWSA communications manager Mike Ross said if Mr Dodd’s suspension was resulting in Massive content being unavailable online, it would appear that EXMSS was in breach of their media grant agreement. “We would expect that the university will take the appropriate action should this be the case,” he said. Meanwhile, Ms Chapman’s salary may be in breach of the Ministerial Direction on Compulsory Student Services Fees for 2012, which aims to ensure accountability in the use of compulsory fees for student services. According to copies of the extramural society’s 2013 budget, Ms Chapman received an additional $10,000 under media and communication, and $10,479 for group advocacy.

Massey provided Ms Chapman with the money through the Services Level Agreement media services grant, which falls outside the scope of the ministerial directive as any money under the directive must not be distributed to student representation. Allocation of the media grant was the responsibility of Massey University communications director James Gardiner, who signed it on April 14; Ms Chapman signed it on April 5. Mr Gardiner said he had read last issue’s MASSIVE article that reported Chapman’s income was the highest of the four university student associations. “I read the article. I just couldn’t work out what the controversy was. [But] I can see there’s a whole lot of people criticising that she’s apparently getting paid that amount.” Otago University Critic magazine reporter Bella MacDonald subsequently contacted Mr Gardiner asking whether failing to upload online content in any way breached the Service Level Agreement on 4 September. In an email to Ms MacDonald Critic has shared with MASSIVE, Mr Gardiner said: “Potentially yes (please note it is a media grant agreement; the service level agreements are something different) but I have not received any information about this apart from your inquiry.” “This is mayhem,” Ms MacDonald told MASSIVE. Meanwhile, EXMSS members have started a Facebook page entitled “EXMSS SGM” in which members are rallying to vote a motion of no confidence in Chapman.

MASSIVE LOVES GIVEAWAYS W I N A T R I P F O R T W O TO T H E G O L D C OA S T ! WIN A TRIP TO THE GOLD COAST! MASSIVE is giving away a trip for two to the Gold Coast, including flights and accommodation! To enter: 1. “Like” MASSIVE on Facebook – www.facebook. com/MASSIVE.magazine 2. Email, telling us why you should win 5 nights in the Gold Coast. You must also include your date of birth, phone number and address. The best entry will be selected by a judging panel. Competition closes December 9, 2013 at 11.59pm. *Terms and conditions apply. Please email above with any queries. By entering, you agree to the terms and conditions, which will be sent to the entrant upon receiving entry email.

WIN a V.I.P. double pass to FLUME! MASSIVE is giving one lucky winner the chance to go to the Flume concert in Wellington, plus entry to the VIP after-party, a meet-and-greet with the man himself, PLUS a signed album and poster! And what’s more, you get to bring a mate too! To enter, email with FLUME GIVEAWAY in the subject heading, and your name and number in the text to be in to win. Competition closes September 25, with the winners contacted by phone. Tickets are strictly not for resale. Competition strictly R18. WIN a copy of Dai Henwood’s newly released DVD! Adapt or Dai features a live stand up performance and hilarious commentary by NZ’s favourite comedian, Mr

Dai Henwood. MASSIVE has three copies to give away! To enter, email with ADAPT OR DAI in the subject heading, and your name and number in the text to be in to win. Competition closes October 1, with the winners contacted by phone. WIN a double pass to Carter Observatory! Carter Observatory has a state of the art planetarium show and an amazing multi-media exhibit in Wellington. MASSIVE has one double pass to give away! To enter, email with CARTER OBSERVATORY in the subject heading, and your name and number in the text to be in to win. Competition closes October 1, with the winner contacted by phone. Check out Carter Observatory online at

Massive IN SHORT



FASHION WEEK TRIUMPH ROSS MIKELS For the second year in a row, Massey students have taken out the top three places in the Westpac Young Fashion Designer Competition. A 2012 Massey fashion graduate, Georgie Veitch, landed top honors ahead of fellow finalists, and current third year students, Matt Hickmott and Zoey Radford-Scott. Veitch’s prize includes $5000 to advance her fashion career, business mentoring from Westpac, and an internship at leading fashion house Zambesi, where she will be mentored by renowned menswear designer, and leader of the competitions’ judging panel, Dayne Johnston. Veitch’s collection, “The Sisters Brothers”, took a relaxed approach to menswear, inspired by contemporary and conventional Japanese dress. Her aim was to create a standardised shell, the object of this shell being to dismiss all elements of fit and proportion, therefore creating a standard size. Veitch explains: “Each garment has an element of oversize, in some cases the proportions are absurd. “I quite often think about the girls when I am designing for the boys.” While Veitch was obviously delighted at her win, the experience was made all the sweeter for her by the presence of the other Massey students in the final. “Walking in the show was such a rush. I was stoked to have both Zoey and Matt at my side. Not only were we apart of the Red Collection show at NZFW, we got to meet some pretty cool people along the way.” Veitch implores other fashion students to enter the competition. “The Westpac Young Designer Competition is a wonderful launch pad for fresh talent and fresh ideas. Weather you make it to the top or not it, each phase is such an experience. “I learnt so much about marketing during the voting phase, it really pushed me to hustle as hard as I could and that’s the reality of this industry, you’ve got to chase it. “I totally encourage Massey Fashion students and graduates to enter it, just do it; you’ve got nothing to lose and so much to gain.“

Student exchanges – worthwhile or just a whole lotta money that could be better spent on alcohol and food? Applications, paperwork, visas, saving money, study; language and cultural barriers, and homesickness are just some of the alarm bells that may turn us off before we give it a second thought. The applications for Massey’s student exchange programme for Semester 2, 2014 are closing on October 1. Most of us know the opportunity is there, but it seems so far off and honestly, we just can’t be bothered venturing into the mechanics of it all. However, from talking to many study abroad students here at Massey, and those from here that have taken on the journey, it becomes obvious that experiencing the world whilst young and carefree is the way to go. When you are on an exchange, you are basically continuing with your degree, but doing so in another potentially more awesome - country. You pay Massey fees, your papers cross-credit to Massey, you can pick ones you wouldn’t normally be able to, and you continue to get your student loan and allowance. But the academic aspects of an exchange are only a tiny piece of what it’s all about. Seeing new places, meeting new people and experiencing new things are an imperative part of the adventure. Aidan, a 21 year old Massey student, went to the University of Limerick in Ireland in second semester last year. He returned with very few stories of study, but masses of photos, tales of curling, Gaelic handball, and a different country every weekend. Lauren, a 21 year-old from Florida, recently left New Zealand after a year studying in Palmerston North – which was an extended visit, as the original plan was to stay for only one semester. When asked what she gained from her exchange, she replied with: “Honestly, the best experience of my life. I’ve made so many amazing friends, both Kiwi and internationals, and have learned so much. It’s cool to know this place exists… if I have an opportunity to come back I will in a heartbeat”. Of course, an exchange may not be all about excitement, drinking and friends. Sometimes, your bed at home and your mum’s cooking could be the only thing you want. However, Tom, 21 year-old study abroad student from Sussex, England, says “the miracles of Skype and chocolate” always help through the hard times. With today’s technology, home can be reached with a mere phone call or click on the internet, giving you time to live it up whilst still keeping contact with loved ones back home. So, how do you go about beginning a journey such as this? Well, unlike you may think, it’s as easy as 1, 2, 3. Firstly, you need to have completed a year of your degree here at Massey, and have about a B average. Secondly, the Massey website says you must be able to “demonstrate you would be a good ambassador for Massey and New Zealand.” Finally, submit an exchange application form

(found on the Massey website) by October 1, 2013. When those boxes are ticked, you’re pretty much set to go! So why not give it a go? There’s nothing to lose other than, perhaps, your travelling virginity, and perhaps a few bucks. But as they say, travel is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer. I’m always a fan of getting a Disney quote in anywhere I can, and Aladdin’s famous tune seems apt here: a student exchange brings about “a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view.” I’ll leave you with the wise words of Miss Hyden, who has three pieces of advice for those thinking about an exchange: “1. Be more open-minded than you’ve ever been, you’ll learn more than you’d think! 2. Go to a country where you can legally drink. And 3: Do it.” For more information, visit: massey/student-life/student-exchange-programme/ Or contact Jenny Loveday, Student Exchange Coordinator:

Creative Arts Eye Awards Windfall S asha B orissenko The College of Creative Arts has landed a stack of nominations for this year’s Designers Institute Best Awards. Of the 778 entries nationally, almost half the finalists in the Student Best Awards were Massey design students. The nominees cover a range of design categories, including: graphic, interactive, spatial and product. Seven Massey staff have also been listed in projects shortlisted for awards, including Associate Professor Chris Bennewith, Professor Tony Parker, Chris Bennewith, Anna Brown, Nick Kapica Professor Ross Hemer and Stu Foster, with students Cameron Richards, Isaac Minogue, Oliver Ward and Fraser Callaway, Senior Lecturer Nick Kapica, and Uli Thie. College of Creative Arts Pro Vice-Chancellor Professor Claire Robinson said she was very proud of Massey design students. “Our degree is the best in New Zealand. I can say this because we have the most award winning students in New Zealand and Internationally.” The nominations come in the wake of success at the Australian Designers Institute Graduate of the Year awards, where Massey design graduates won the top prize for excellence, placed first and second in textile and fashion design, and first equal in interior design. The winners of the New Zealand awards will be announced at the Viaduct centre in Auckland on October 11 with comedian Dai Henwood as MC. For an interview with the joker himself, check out page x.


THE POLITICS OF FACEBOOK SAM KILMISTER Should our online presence on social media such as Facebook not be just that? This is the million dollar question which has surfaced again following the dismissal of a flight attendant after she was forced to let her boss examine her Facebook page and bank account so that they could determine if she was misusing sick leave. The boundaries between what are considered someone’s personal life and their professional life seem to be slowly disintegrating into a near non-existent state. Surely I can’t be the only one to think it’s a bit harsh for someone who has the qualifications, the skill set and the competence to be turned away due to the fact he once had a Jesse Ryder type moment? Or because a Zac Guildford like picture is on display from 2 years ago? This is starting to become a common trend in the job application process. As if fine tuning CV’s and gathering references aren’t stressful enough. I guess the real question is, where does it stop? It won’t be too long before employers start using who we text and call against us as well. In a world where it’s hard enough to crack the job market as it is, this is the last thing those seeking employment need holding them back. Cases such as these are starting to become more frequent in places of business here in New Zealand. However, according to the experience of Bradley Prouting, the trend seems to be in office based jobs as opposed to those in the trades. “As a building laborer I wasn’t subject to a background check. I found it a bit more laid back, you just turn up, do your work and do it well and there were no problems. Everyone sort of trusted you and respected your privacy”.

However, when applying as a sales representative it turned out to be completely different: “For HRV a background check was required and they made that very clear in the interview process. It was something I just agreed to, I think an organization of that magnitude needs to be a little more careful because of their reputation.” Although some of these jobs do not state the search as a requirement, or undertake a search at all, there are potential employees who despite the job position feel they still have to present themselves the best they can. Plumbing apprentice Robbie Marshall says: “Before applying to do an apprenticeship I made a conscious effort to clean a few things on my profile as a result of hearing some similar cases. It’s just one of those things you always want to be prepared for.” According to surveys on NOLO (a legal advice website to help small businesses), about three-quarters of recruiters check out applicants on the Internet when hiring, and almost half of all employers do the same. The common theme being employers instantly reject job applicants when they find references to drug use, heavy drinking, sexually offensive materials, violent imagery, and so on. Massey University staff member Kieran Fitch said: “Obviously no one wants to employ people who associate themselves with drugs and heavy drinking. “Of course everyone’s willing to put on a suit and tie during an interview but its online which best reflects someone’s real character.” While this bears some truth, it has to be argued whether employers should consider it morally ethical to be able to view an employee’s Facebook. After all, we use the site as

a means to express ourselves, and we do it in a way which relates to our peers, not our superiors. The opportunities the internet provides in the way of self-expression are endless, but the reality is we need to be more street smart about the way we are expressing ourselves. At the end of the day a line needs to be drawn. I think we need to take a more proactive stance on this such as the U.S. House of Representatives, who were introduced to a new bill called the Social Networking Online Protection Act 2012, or SNOPA. The intention being to ban employers from requiring job candidates to provide their password to any of their social networking accounts. Breaching this would result in fines of up to $10,000 in civil penalties. It’s just a matter of time before the bills are ready to be put to a vote in both the House and Senate. Despite this being a potential win for some American employees, it still leaves those of us in New Zealand in a cloud of concern. With a bit of luck, hopefully the same approach will be adopted in New Zealand before more cases of unfair dismissal, or even more invasive measures by employers arise. So what can perspective employees do to lessen the chance of this affecting them? If you are about to embark on chasing your dream job it may be best to consider whether you need to clean up your online act. The best rule for this is if you can’t show it to your parents, you can’t show it to your boss. Take a look at your privacy settings and make sure to untag yourself in any photos which could resemble a night out with Charlie Sheen. The reality is, if you leave an unfortunate digital trail you had better be ready with an explanation.

College of Creative Arts pro vice chancellor Professor Claire Robinson said the structure had been up for review over the past five years. “The previous structure was very dated, it is more appropriate to have a structure that is future orientated,” she said. The College wanted to feel confident they were producing graduates who were going to leave with the skills, knowledge and understanding that would see them being able to deal with employment and the current economic climate. “Our degree is the best in New Zealand and, as a result, we have a large responsibility to be at the forefront of tertiary education.” The old structure was to be replaced with a new structure and new roles would be offered to staff. “It is not a numbers thing. We make decisions all the time to offer or not offer papers. We make these decisions based on what is economically viable. It is depends on the number of enrolments,” she said.

There would be no job cuts as a result of the restructuring. Master of Fine Arts student Angela Kilford said she was very happy with the changes. “When I was an undergraduate you were restricted to the papers that were offered in a course you chose, before you knew anything about anything. It was very difficult to take elective papers outside my discipline due to timetable clashes. “You find out there are people working on the floor above and below you with similar interests and there previously seemed no scope for collaboration.” The old system was very segregated, Ms Kilford said. “[Under the new system] Everyone comes out with the same knowledge. There is more streamlining and yet at the same time there is more scope for creative collaboration.” It was a very a positive change, she said.

COCA CUTS S asha B orissenko The College of Creative Arts has restructured its undergraduate programme to allow students the flexibility to customise their study. Teaching and learning director Rebecca Sinclair said, unlike the old “segregated” system, in which students were confined to subjects from their first year of study, the new structure was designed so that students could customise their education. Under the changes, first year students will welcome new students to CoCA and to help them make informed choices about their degree, Ms Sinclair said during a 2013 Teachers Talk. The second and third years are split according to what majors students decide to pursue but would have streamlined common critical thinking papers to prepare them for potential post-graduate studies. The fourth and final year will have an external focus so that students can make the transition between university and their careers, she said.

Massive IN SHORT







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Diwali and Cultural Festival Day

On October 9, Massey Albany is holding a Diwali and Cultural Festival, supported by Radio Humm FM, from 11am - 3pm at Student Central. At the event, students will be invited to sample food, and enjoy performances and displays from Massey’s diverse cultural community. With students from over 100 different countries, regions and territories - all the way from Afghanistan through to Zimbabwe - the Diwali and Cultural Festival is an event that celebrates all these different and unique cultures. Massey University is providing kick-starter funds to groups that are willing to present their culture performances, food, crafts - and the groups will keep any profits that they make. In addition, there will be prizes for the best group, as voted by fellow students. If you are interested in displaying your culture (performances, food, crafts, etc) to the Massey community, get a group together and contact Jon Waugh at Become a Uni-Guide

Student Life are currently looking for new recruits for 2014 Uni Guides. It is a great way to get more involved with university life you will be given the opportunity to help out at university events such as graduation, open day, photo shoots, seminars and workshops. You will receive a certificate at the end of each year which goes great with your CV, as well as additional professional development opportunities throughout the year. If this sounds likes something you would like to get involved with, you can find more details on the Massey website by searching “uni-guide”. Bits-a-Playrighting. Bits-a-Performing

The Massey University Theatre Society is proud to announce the 2013 Bitsas Playwriting and Performing Competition. It is calling for submissions to the inaugural Bitsas. Due by October 1, they will be judged by a panel

made up of writers and scholars. The winner will be announced at the end of October. The winning entrant will be produced as part of the Bitsa Performance Season in February 2014, performed by MUTS members and presented as part of Open Day celebrations. For more information, contact Dodgeball Tournament

Student Engineers of New Zealand present the AMESS 2013 Dodgeball Tournament, to be held on September 21 at the Recreation Centre. The day will kick off at 10am with entered teams competing throughout the day. Spectators and supporters are encouraged to come along and cheer on the sidelines, with a laugh or two to be had by everyone, as well as some freebies on the day. Teams are made up of five people, but subs would be advised for the more unfit. There will be prizes for winning teams along with trophies and a few other goodies. To get involved with a team, look for the event on Facebook, entitled “AIMES DODGEBALL TOURNAMENT 2013”. Details are provided on the event page on how to get your team into the competition. WORK IT!

Massey Association of Communication Students will be hosting a number of events as the semester draws to a close. Firstly they will be going on a field trip to Air New Zealand head office to see how the day to day business works. Hosted by Captain David Morgan, students will be able to engage and meet a number of professionals and see what really happens behind the closed doors of the company. This will be an opportunity for students to gain some practical experience and perhaps collect a few business cards along the way. Another occasion is the networking event MACS will be hosting on campus. There will be a vast variety of industry professionals at the gathering and it will give people the chance to see what is actually involved

in different careers. Any students who are interested in any of these events, regardless of what you are studying are welcome. Information about the events can be found on the MACS pages on Facebook. ASA Election for 2014 running hot

Eleven students have been nominated for the ASA executive team for 2014. The campaigning has begun and there will be campaign speeches on September 18, with a BBQ following the formalities at student central. This is an opportunity for candidates to introduce themselves to the membership and other students. Voting begins on September 20 and voting polls will be closed at 5pm on September 25. Contested, are the positions of president, by Jonathan McDonald and Andre Budel, and Recreation & Clubs’ rep, by Rachmika de Alwis and Stephan Shaw. The vice president position for 2014 has been split into three roles: administration vice-president, Joshua Ovenden; education vice-president, Manu Lange; and social vicepresident, Daniel Sanson. Positions still to be filled, are College of Business rep, College of Creative Arts rep, College of Health rep, College of Humanities and Social Science rep, PostGraduate rep and Men’s Welfare rep. Contact ASA Vice-President, Arlene Frost, for more information at or check the ASA website or Facebook page. Tasmin Wheeler

Massive Local notices



A night to remember Palmy O Week 2012 presented itself as an opportunity to make friends, have fun and learn where your classes are. Instead, it was a series of fuzzy memories, unknown bruises and little recollection of what friends you made, let alone their names or faces. A good time for many. For two in particular, their O Week was captured in style. For the majority of the attendees, I imagine their night would be represented as somewhat of a blur. For Angus and Sarah, their night was slightly different. Unbeknown to many, Manawatu Standard photographer Rob Kitchin had his camera on standby to capture the chaos taking place. Angus describes the atmosphere: “Well, from what I remember everyone was pretty smashed and having a sweet time.” Taking place in the middle of this chaos is what Kitchin calls a “rite of passage” – two new students kissing, not knowing who the other was, not knowing that their photo would later appear in the newspaper, and not caring in the slightest. “At the time I just met him, not too sure how I did, but we ended up being really good friends after which was a bonus,” Sarah explained. The photo has gone on to become a finalist in the annual New Zealand Geographic Photographer of the Year competition, the nation’s most prestigious photography competition. Displayed in a month-long outdoor exhibition in Christchurch, the captured kiss is on show for the public, and for the internet public to vote for online. Both Angus and Sarah were unaware of the photograph being taken that night, though Angus was soon made aware by mates: “It was pretty crack-up seeing the paper put up around the hostel.” But even they couldn’t imagine the national recognition it would reach, with Sarah saying: “It’s actually pretty cool and really funny. I think since Angus and I are good friends now, I can actually appreciate the photo and view how the photographer saw it.” Fingers crossed for seeing if little ol’ Palmy’s toga party can make it to the top of the national stage.

MUSA Presidency With the resignation of the Massey University Student’s Association’s president Steven Christodoulou, the student leadership of the association remains in limbo. Since Christodoulou’s resignation became effective on August 16, the presidency of MUSA has been temporarily placed in the hands of Adam Barker, the former vicepresident, education. Nominations for the 2014 presidency and the four positions on the board for 2014 will open early September for a week, with elections being held from October 7-9. Following confirmation, the president will assume the position immediately, with the four board members becoming the new executive at the handover date. Barker has said he will not be running for the presidency. However, any student who is enrolled at Massey Palmerston North at the time the elections take place can run for any of the positions. Christodoulou said he believed the proposed student association merger would be a good idea, raising the question whether the new president would have the same train of thought. Christodoulou previously said: “It is the best thing the associations could do. Students want MUSA, but they don’t want to participate [with MUSA]. I think if the associations merge, students will get a stronger, focused and more direct system.” This lack of interest in participating with MUSA resulted in two positions earlier this year remaining vacant on the executive – that of Disabilities Officer and the International Students Officer. No students ran for the position at the time of the special elections.

A day at the racecourse is always a time to dress to impress, and with this year’s theme of Casino Royale, there will be no shortage of unrecognisable men in sharp looking suits and gals dressed to the nines. Those fashion-forward men and women could be rewarded, as there are prizes for the best dressed on the day. Those preferring to take it all off, and undress to impress, can participate in the Undie 150 sprint, again with prizes for those who can bare it all, minus private parts, for the entertainment of the crowd. A photographer will be there on the day to catch all of your worst moments so that the laughter can continue on for years to come. Organised by Sports and Exercise student Richard Harvey, and Awapuni Racecourse’s intern, marketing student Gemma Dyer, this sure is one of the events of the year for the Manawatu students. Rachel Purdie

Fashion, bubbles and horses – Student Day at the Races 2013 The time of the year is upon us again – the time to let down our hair before tying it tightly back up for serious study. The one last hoorah for many will be at the Student Day at the Races, held on September 14 at Awapuni Racecourse. Those lucky enough to score one of the 450 tickets available will have buses to and from the event, access to the Eulogy Lounge to kick back in style, while enjoying the view, drink vouchers, lunch and the entertainment of DJ LSD.

2 Darwin Deez - Alice 3 Team Dynamite - Coconut Lime ft. Che Fu (NZ) 4 London Grammar - Wasting My Young Years 5 Kings Of Leon - Supersoaker 6 Supervillains RMC - Planet Suave(NZ) 7 AlunaGeorge - You Know You Like It 8 David Dallas - My Mentality ft. Freddie Gibbs(NZ) 9 Randa - Frankenstein(NZ) 10 Arctic Monkeys - Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High

Radio Control’s Top 10 August:

1 Tom Lark - Go Get A Job (NZ) Dave’s three word review “the lyrics win”


Student City is celebrating our students and their contribution towards art and culture in Palmerston North



Best Cultural Contribution

Each category winner will be awarded a cash prize and recognition at the awards night.

Best Literary Artist Best Visual Artist


Best Musical Artist

Free entry, all welcome

Best Artistic Facilitation Best Drama/Performing Arts Artist

Student City Arts and Cultural Awards Evening Palmerston North Convention Centre

Best Young Artist (High School student)


APPLICATIONS CLOSE Midnight 6 October 2013. Submit your entry online at


FOR FURTHER INFORMATION Email or contact Bettina Gohl Acting Student City Coordinator Palmerston North City Council - 06 351 4100





Another quake disrupts learning – ‘damn’, said no one, ever Massey students were disrupted from “important learning” when they were required to evacuate the premises after a magnitude 6.6 quake rocked the capital at 2.31pm on Friday, August 16. Massey student James Owen said he was very sad but equally very happy to be disrupted by the latest big tremor during his Friday of important learning. “It was freaking sweet. Scary at the time, sure. But I’m getting used to it. Having to leave class proved to be the perfect excuse to hit the pub,” he said. The entire Massey campus was evacuated and closed temporarily from 4pm, not reopening till the next day. Structural engineers assessed and cleared all campus buildings, including the nine-storey student accommodation building, the Cube Apartments. Surface water damage from a split copper water tank was experienced in the Adelaide Rd building, but was resolved promptly. An email was sent to all Massey students on behalf of campus registrar Deanna Riach on the Tuesday offering assistance and phone numbers for counselling and health services. “The thoughts of the Massey community are with you, and it may well be that your studies are not your focus as you grapple with the on-going uncertainty and with trying to get your life back on track,” it said. Massey student Laura Kavanagh said she commended the university for its quick and sympathetic efforts. “The uni was really prompt at sending out the message this time. I suppose they learnt from their mistakes.” Massey was criticised for its slow response in the aftermath of the July 21, 6.5 magnitude earthquake. At 9.59pm, four hours after that quake, the Massey Wellington Students’ Association issued a statement on Facebook saying, “We’ve just spoken with the Campus Registrar who has informed us that the Massey Wellington campus will be closed tomorrow”. I *heart* Helen brawl over potential new leader Future journalists lost their cool and got “scrappy” in the wake of left-wing political uncertainty. A verbal brawl ensued among Massey journalism master’s students shocked by the August 22 resignation of Labour leader David Shearer. Journalism student Caroline Brown said she was

annoyed no one believed her when she “did a Duncan”, calling it a month previously after Labour’s so-called, whole man-ban saga. “To quote a good friend of mine, who is also a reporter for Massive, I reckon David Shearer was a winner, said no one, ever. Shane Jones has the xxx factor, but Annette King is also my biaaatch. Love em. “Also love National, and the Greens, and Act. Oh and Dunne’s hair. Fab. Love everyone. I’m impartial, I’m a journalist.” Journalism student colleague Kirsty Lawrence, however, said she would not engage in such futile matters as it was inappropriate for her or any other journalist to comment, given their ethical obligations. “Robbie or Cunnie, who cares. It is none of our business. “Come on. Let’s hope Labour has another blow out. John Key is such a nice, approachable guy. That smile, that accent. I too enjoy a gay red shirt.” Ms Lawrence said she particularly loved changes Key had brought about to the post-graduate allowance scheme. “Now I can afford everything I have ever wanted. I will defs consider the oyster truck for Welly on a plate this year.” While the group of seven students were engrossed in the conversation, a number of empty cups were left in the communications scholars lounge. Soon after, a letter to all users of the lounge was issued by School of Management secretary Geraldine Keith, which stated: “It has been brought to my attention that some users of the scholars lounge are leaving the bench top cluttered with dirty dishes.” Ms Lawrence and Ms Brown said they were not the perpetrators and the leaving of dishes could not be blamed on one political debate between friends. The “scrappy” issue was part of a bigger problem, Ms Brown said. Masters’ journalism students were just thankful to fellow student and former Massive editor Matt Shand for advocating they be allowed entry into the lounge. Massive contributors take the piss Massive contributors were silenced with pizza and beer in their first get-together of the year. About 20 Massive contributors engaged in an entertaining night of drunken debauchery at Heaven Pizza this month thanks, to the organisational skills of editor Morgan Browne. Two iPhones were almost lost to the cause, owing to the spillage of beer and the stealing of some olive oil, which was mistaken for a hip flask of whisky. The unnamed perpetrator, who refused to comment,

returned the item to the restaurant the following day. Feature writer Elyse Hawkins said she found the evening to be very entertaining but did not enjoy having to clean up her pants and phone after a glass of beer was accidentally spilt on her. “I think this tipping-things-over disease is contagious because the rest of the night I had close calls of tipping stuff over also.... or maybe it was just the beer. “All in all, I really enjoyed meeting everyone. And who can complain with free pizza and beer?” Former Wellington reporter and MASSIVE contributor Bel Hawkins said the evening had been an awesome opportunity to encourage a sense of community among MASSIVE readers. “[There were] great vibes, great banter, great beer, great food. “I think what Morgan has done is really cool, really engendering a collective place for students to collaborate on their ideas. It was like online dating meeting the people behind the words everyone read every month, she said. “It was pretty rad.” Sasha Borissenko



• Socks ’n’ sandals - perfect for that interim time between chilly winter and spring. Haters gonna hate. • Wellington on a plate, bank accounts go down, dress sizes go up. And whose spectacular idea was it to feature the burger as this year’s honorary dish? Get in me. Nay • Yet another, this time scary, earthquake - calm the heck down, Wellington • Spring hay fever. Lilies - silent and beautiful but equally deadly. • Blue, purple-tipped, pink, silver who-gives-a-fuq dyed hair. Would that hateful Kelly Osbourne just quit it? So should you. • Final term student poverty. Boo.


student thursday Every Thursday at Light House Cinema students can enjoy $11 2D and $13.50 3D films plus a free coffee with ticket purchase.

Valid student ID must be presented.

Light House Cuba 29 Wigan Street (across from Havana Bar) Massive Local notices


NOT WINNING BY FINNING Shark finning for soup continues in New Zealand waters, despite a lack of data on stock size or sustainability. Brigitte Masters investigates.

One million kg of blue shark was caught in New Zealand waters last year, just for finning, with approximately 950,000 kgs of bodies dumped back into the sea - all to satisfy Chinese restaurants’ demand for shark fin soup. Nearly 100 countries have banned or restricted shark finning, but not New Zealand, which remains one of the top exporters in the world. This is despite the fact that currently, the Ministry of Primary Industries does not have adequate data to estimate stock size or effect of catch on sustainability of blue sharks, mako or porbeagle sharks. Yet it is still legal here to fin them. The quota management system allows for 2 million kgs to be fished, even when stock data is unknown. Fishing is worth $1.6 billion dollars in this country, and shark finning provides $4 million dollars each year, less than 0.003 per cent. However, experts say the practice has the ability to risk the sustainability of many of the ocean fish stocks. The Ministry of Primary Industries lacks adequate data because, for highly migratory species, it can only be obtained by observers, on board longline ships. Observer coverage has been extremely patchy and limited, providing inadequate data to ensure catch is sustainable. With such a lack of scientific data to manage these offshore pelagic species, shark scientist Riley Elliott says we should not be fishing sharks, as scientifically the risk to the sustainability of the ecosystem is too great. “If the Ministry of Primary Industries put the money into getting the data, it is possible for them to get it.” Ministry acting Director General Scott Gallacher, who is charged with making sure the shark fisheries are sustainable, said on TVNZ’s Sunday: “the information that we have is not as bad as what we are hearing in some places.” Asked what his slogan was, he responded, “growing and protecting New Zealand”; asked if he is abiding with the slogan, he said, “absolutely”. “From my perspective, the government and the ministry is absolutely focused on making sure New Zealand is a world leader when it comes to the

conservation and long term sustainability of shark species per se. “All of the information we are seeing is that what is actually being brought out of the water in terms of blue shark that is actually law and has been trending downwards in recent years. I think what we need to be aware of is, exactly what is the information we are looking at.” Asked, “what if your information is wrong?”, he replied: “All of the information we have and all of the stuff we have got indicate that we haven’t got it wrong at the moment.” However, according to the Ministry of Primary Industries’ own report, it lacks scientific data. The report says: “There have been no quantitative stock assessments of blue sharks in New Zealand waters, and no quantitative stock assessments are possible with the current data.” This essentially means that trends in biomass, effective sustainability, and the actual stock of these animals, is all unknown. The government says it gets information on blue shark numbers by comparing commercial catch rates. Ministry for Primary Industries’ fisheries director James Stevenson-Wallace says, “We manage with the information we have here now, and I recognise that there is room for improvement in the information base. “But we do have enough information at the moment to manage these species.” Elliott has identified that shark finning is a major issue, New Zealand being within the top 15 exporters in the world. Most of our close allies have banned shark finning and even established shark sanctuaries, yet New Zealand still allows it. New Zealand’s waters have been identified as likely breeding and nursery grounds for blues sharks. Current fishing pressure is removing critical age/ gender groups like juveniles and matures females, at a rate of 125,000 individuals/year, potentially risking the blue shark stock for the entire south pacific ocean, he says.




Nearly 100 countries have banned or restricted shark finning, but not New Zealand, which remains one of the top exporters in the world.

“When these are apex predators, maintaining ocean ecosystem balance, exploitation is scientifically proven to be extremely risky. “The government cannot treat sharks like normal fish stocks which, if overfished, can rebound relatively fast. Sharks however won’t rebound like fish, as they reproduce extremely slowly.” The New Zealand Shark Alliance, which Riley is a part of, is trying to increase public awareness, in this case, to hopefully ensure the legislation is changed, to protect sharks, where data in non-existent, in particular the mako, porbeagle and blue shark. “These species have always been a bycatch in tuna fisheries, but has had little economic value, and were released alive,” Riley says. “However, with the recent boom in China’s wealth, demand for the status symbol dish, shark fin soup, has grown exponentially, putting a high price on shark fins, meaning they are captured, finned and the bodies discarded.” The Ministry of Primary Industries includes these pelagic (near-surface living) species in the quota management system, however, continues to treat them as bycatch, with data insufficient for stock estimates and sustainable measures. This is a very risky fishery, given finning has been proven globally to result in adverse ecosystem affects. “As well as the scientific evidence to stop finning, New Zealanders should not be contributing to the finning trade that has caused shark declines worldwide, by as much as 99 per cent in some species, resulting in a third of the world’s sharks now endangered,” he says. “Science has proven it to be adverse to fin sharks, due to their very slow reproduction, slow growth and late maturity. Sharks as apex predators, for 400million years have moulded marine ecosystems, keeping them healthy, and ensuring sustainability. “New Zealand has the chance to stop finning, and the public need to know the facts about the issue so their voice can be heard before the government makes a decision on such a case.”

The National Plan of Action for sharks is up for its four year review, from last September to early October this year, and the New Zealand Shark Alliance wants to raise awareness and put an end to the finning. Riley is trying to combine the science within his PhD, using satellite tracking to reveal critical habitats, to make people realize this unsustainable trade must stop. The New Zealand shark Alliance, combined of >15 NGOs like WWF, Greenpeace, Forest and Bird, are pushing for public awareness, highlighting that the National Plan of Action this year, is the best tool to help ban this practice. The Ministry of Primary Industries, however, can not guarantee the practice will end. “The ban of shark finning highly migratory species of, like Blues, Makos and Porbeagles, must occur given the lack of scientific knowledge and their essential role in maintaining sustainable fisheries,” Riley says. This summer Riley has 10 more satellite tags to deploy onto blue sharks. The tagging includes public sponsors who help fund tags, get the shark named after them, and then view the sharks location live on the internet or in kiosks at places such as kelly tarltons. Using the data collected, Riley can identify critical habitats and migration routes used by the species. Riley and a film crew are also working on a shark documentary that will take the public out on the open ocean where no one get to see what occurs to sharks. The aim is to show the public the beauty of the animal, and how the fishing industry is slaying them, solely for their fins, at a horrific rate, in the absence of data needed to ensure sustainability. “The documentary will also show how this will adversely affect our marine ecosystem and fish stocks.” The hope is that, with appreciation, people might start valuing this beautiful animal in its natural habitat, above what is essentially, a tasteless soup. To help put a ban to this practice visit




The sex scales: Burn your bra or buy a blazer and get over it? The f word. Fuck, feminism. Here we go again. Annabel Hawkins explores the shifting tides of femalehood.

We are at a loss as to how to define our generation of women. And by “we”, I mean men, women, CEOs, spokespeople, business people, camera people, laypeople, all of us. For the first time in history, we are a generation faced with the most levelled gender playing field ever. We can all vote, wear pants, dresses, have children, get tattoos, have sex, get married and get a job. The equilibrium is unprecedented. So why don’t the statistics reflect this? And where does this leave men? The “woe is me, I’m a woman” card gets a bit old, right? Recently in a lecture room of 200, we were asked to raise our hands if we considered ourselves feminists. A snap estimation was about one third of the room. When asked why she wasn’t, one student answered, “I’m embarrassed.” “Of what?” the lecturer asked. “That everyone will roll their eyes and be all ‘we know where this is going’.” Do we? This generation of women is treading water between waves of feminism. They have found ourselves foundering as the fourth, fifth (tenth?) wave of feminism unfolds, and are yet to figure out what this actually means. They have the vote, they don’t have to make dinner, and can choose to pursue higher education. So when the gender divide is not so blatant, when people’s roles within their family, flat, friend group become more fluid, how does one uphold feminine notions of equality anymore? We wonder this while we watch endless music videos about sexy ladies winning over their men, and men lovin’ a good booty shake, girls lovin’ to booty shake, the whole world talking about twerking, and Miley taking it too far. Women study in higher education institutions but are still told they are earning on average 30 per cent less

than men for exactly the same job. That underutilised women in the workplace could lift the country’s GDP by 10 per cent. That of all the commercial boards in the country, women make up 14 per cent. Feminism originates from the simple premise of equality. Implied is the advocacy of women’s rights in relation to social, political and economic equality, to men. That one’s genitals and biological make-up should not be the determining factor of the opportunities available to them. In a Western-centric culture like New Zealand - that advocates a free democracy - it means striving towards expelling pejorative stereotypes that inhibit one’s treatment of another based on how they fill out their underwear. Earlier this year, businessman and former politician Sir Bob Jones told the panel on Seven Sharp that he thinks the women’s index that provides the above statistics is absolutely “nonsense” (while noting that broadcaster Ali Mau was the “token” women on the show). He claimed that women’s reluctance to stay behind after work for Friday night drinks is what holds them back from their career advancement. At least he didn’t go all Jake the Muss and ask Mau to cook him some eggs. Traditional homemaker (she) and breadwinner (him) gender roles have been dispelled, women are at work now. Great. Jones then went on to assert that people should not be employed by reasons other than their own credentials. But does this imply they don’t get promoted unless they’re prepared to stay around until after 5 o’clock for happy hour? He concluded his interview by claiming, “men are always more ambitious than women”. Perhaps that could be a handy excuse in the next job interview: “I haven’t held any management positions because I’m female, so I’m not interested, sorry.” This is not to uphold a notoriously right-wing

businessman as a pillar of men’s consciousness. Plenty of men advocate for equal rights across the board. It is the fact that it is the dominant voice in the media, a voice that is playing out in reality. Last month, the Labour Party made media waves with its proposal to ensure that 50 per cent of its caucus was female by 2017. An initiative affectionately coined as the “man ban”. This caused a public uproar among critics, who questioned the ethics of quantitatively limiting all kinds of minorities within Parliament. Did that mean gays and transgenders also had to be mathematically accounted for too? Where would it end? The fact that it even had to come down to a number, to a percentage, to clarify the misrepresentation of gender illustrates the problem itself: New Zealand society is still dealing with the remnants of an overarching masculine mentality. OECD research says New Zealand women earn on average 86 per cent of what men do for the same work. The “man ban” proposition was soon silenced after Labour’s departing leader David Shearer claimed that, though he supported the notion of encouraging more women into Parliament, he did not advocate the way the proposal suggested this could be implemented. In response to Labour’s suggested initiative, Wellington mayor Celia Wade-Brown told Fairfax reporters that being the city’s third female mayor out of 34, she felt there was a long way to go before women were treated the same as men. So where do men stand among all this femme-fuelled discourse? Contemporary academics speculate on a 21st century “masculinity crisis” where, as a backlash to the increasingly liberated roles of women, men themselves start to second-guess their own identity. Massey University public relations lecturer Elspeth Tilley says men battle with unhelpful stereotypes too, just in different ways. Being left having to navigate such

The fact that it even had to come down to a number, to a percentage, to clarify the misrepresentation of gender illustrates the problem itself: New Zealand society is still dealing with the remnants of an overarching masculine mentality.


We watch endless music videos about sexy ladies winning over their men, and men lovin’ a good booty shake, girls lovin’ to booty shake, the whole world talking about twerking, and Miley taking it too far.

a grey area - neutral connotation intended - is not just an issue for women, but males too. “We could have quite a different world if people put aside their assumptions about gender,” she says. In discussing the prevalence of gender equality in the media, Tilley expresses the importance of putting the issue “on the agenda”, arguing that, at the moment, it is simply invisible. Examples of men’s struggle with their own roles are evident throughout pop culture, with male characters portrayed as being at an ends with what to do in their life, enslaved to their marriage and needing to revert to teenage ways. Films such as Hall Pass, The Hangover and Knocked Up, feature lightly overweight men yearning for their youth while they flounder in an identity crisis. It is interesting to note that, in order for these men to be rendered as they are, women are elevated to this archetypal ball and chain demon in a pink (or white) polar neck with an overwhelming amount of pressing demands. Thus, the socially engendered gendering perpetuates. And then there are other, counter-culture figures such as Schmidt off New Girl, who is outwardly and continually objectified by his female boss in a femaledominated PR firm. And he loves it. Despite the Hollywood hits, there is also an emergence of more complex characters from each side of the spectrum. What kind of subversive gender roles are we talking about now? Talk about blurred lines. Tilley believes bringing the issue to the fore requires an attitudinal change. In a recent talk to Massey high achieving female students at the Achieving Career Excellence forum, (the brainchild of Professor Sarah Leberman, which Tilley co-runs with College of Creative Arts tutor Anna Brown) Green MP Catherine Delahunty spoke at length about how she learned to embrace her outspoken tendencies and use them towards socially just causes. Being a self-professed “loudmouthed troublemaker”, enabled her to incite positive change. Politics has historically been the ultimate boys’ club. Australia’s current Government is an illustration of this, with Julia Gillard recently ousted, leaving Tony Abbott flaunting his hot daughters to win votes from

Big Brother contestants and Kevin Rudd hanging on the shirt tails of what’s left of Labor’s popularity ahead of the election. The lack of sister solitude in Gillard’s caucus came as a surprise, with few of her fellow female MPs resigning in protest of her treatment. Not to mention her “misogyny speech” in which she attacked Abbott’s attitude towards women. The landscape of gender equality has changed. No longer do women need to fight as much to get their foot in the door, they now need to be convinced that their shoe is as valuable as everyone else’s. During a lecture series at the London Book Review in February, British writer Hilary Mantel gave a rousing speech, critiquing the role of women in the monarchy. Not the political functioning or possible redundancy, but the breeding selection process to perpetuate the throne, and women’s willingness to do so. Mantel received a big backlash for essentially calling Middleton’s function in the family as simply being a hand-picked womb. She said: “Kate seems to have been selected for her role of princess because she was irreproachable: as painfully thin as anyone could wish, without quirks, without oddities, without the risk of the emergence of character.” In response, British Prime Minister David Cameron said her speech was “totally wrong” and “misguided”. Yet, would the same have been said if the speech had come out of the mouth of a leggy blonde with red lippy and a blazer on? These critiques of prominent women are often ignored, with conclusions that comments such as Mantel’s are simply fuelled with envy. You can’t flaw Kate’s pins now, can you? Yet, women are not exclusive victims to such criticism. Speculations run rife about the sexuality of All Blacks because they haven’t married, and there are memes of actor Ryan Gosling without his shirt on inspiring women to keep studying or get fit. I even overheard women at a netball match the other day wondering what a male referee was doing umpiring the finals. The media’s tendency to two-dimensionalise public figures can be seen to be to blame for this, often pairing people with stories that project gender archetypes.

Social Development Minister Paula Bennett as a solo mum, John Key’s rags to riches, and even the speculation that journalist Andrea Vance used her female prowess to seduce illicit Government information out of United Future leader Peter Dunne. There is somehow this pretence that, in order for the public to understand something, it must be simplified. Former Prime Minister Helen Clark was continually criticised for her masculine appearance and, at the other end of the spectrum, former Labour MP Christine Rankin labelled a seductress for wearing skirts above the knee into Parliament. Out of all the candidates for Labour’s impending leadership election, Jacinda Ardern was the only one whose physical attraction was commented on as an attribution. Would that appeal to (Sir Robert) Jones’ aforementioned criteria of hiring employees? The culmination of all of these pop culture standards and double standards is confusing. In a generation where Sweden introducing a gender-neutral noun (“hen”), and the Kardashians, reign supreme in the headlines, we are entering seriously unchartered waters. A recent conversation with a former public relations consultant left me somewhat inspired. It was after 5 o’clock on a weekday and we were drinking a glass of wine. She told me: “I launched into PR in the 80s when the industry was just evolving. We were making more than male politicians at that point, and they really struggled with that. Now, I’m happy to be retiring. It’s time for us to pass the torch over to your generation so you can reclaim what feminism is.” To that, Tilley agrees, noting, “perhaps it will take a whole new generation of ‘loud-mouthed troublemakers’ to stop accepting that and demand change.”




Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds A Saturday night is different for whoever experiences it. Acid or antiacid? U.S.A EXCHANGE STUDENT Steve Ratte steps out into the unknown in town on a Saturday night.

As we turn into the street, I can feel the LSD germinating through my bloodstream. It’s Saturday night. In all honesty I… can’t feel anything except for my shoulder blades and my wet ass from that fuckin’ bench earlier. It’s 12 o’clock. It’s raining, but I can’t feel it. I wave my hand in front of me to try, but all I get in return is a trail of smoke, reeling from the cigarette perched upon my fingers, immersing my face, and bathing me in cancerous odour. Or at least I think it’s 12 o’clock. Not really sure. My compadre, a Mr Tonto Klaus and I babble on about the Massey accommodation’s security guard, Bubba. How he’s a rock, existing as a lighthouse, as a guy who shows you the light, letting you know that you’ve made it home. Most importantly, he allows you the realisation that you didn’t get arrested after a night of debauchery. And he, dude, he tells you that really, real tried-andtrue shit, giving you that one line that carries a lot of, dude, like, a lot of shit. The only tragic thing is that you have to wade through his, like, his bullshit. Like, dude, like incoherent speeches to get to that one little nugget of a line at the end. My Tonto puts a hand out to stop me, and I nearly tear it out of the socket before recognising that we’ve come to the corner of two streets and must wait until the little green man waves us over. I look across the ocean of concrete, and see this kid, this shmuck. Head in his cell phone though it might as well be up his ass, his stilted walk clarifying his intoxication, he crosses the street. The drunk passes us. My affiliate and I turn to each other. We don’t even need to say it: we cross the street as well, without looking. Fuck the little green man.

We live to negotiate another street, as we aren’t mauled by the creatures of the auto industry. I reward myself with a drag off my Marlboro Red. Another soul comes our way, a female. She’s with two others, frantically perusing her purse for her cell phone, which I only know because she’s so vocal about it. As soon as she looks up, I recognise her. She’s that girl who gives you that look in passing during the day, though chooses to ignore you at night. Her makeup, her dress, her high heels. Looking at me, looking at you, and she tells herself she can do better. On the next corner, I look over and see two prostitutes. They make no signals to us, to coerce us into disease, and I start to think they might just be skanks - university girls with hiked-up dresses. What’s the difference, right? Some skateboarders streak past us. They melt into the blacktop, only to be resuscitated as shadows of the darkness. A kick-flip is executed. Things start to blur as I focus less outward, more inward. I was fucking wired: I was that lion, king of the jungle and holding all the cards. We’d only seen half of the street, but… the city’s tissue paper and I’d… I’d tear it apart with my bare hands if I fuckin’ need to. Still, I should have been focusing on my outward appearance because, as we crossed yet another street, I was cackling like a maniac. Frothing at the mouth and “losing my banana”, as Mr Klaus would later put it. But he couldn’t put it like that at this moment in time, because we were both, as I would have put it, losing our shit. …I don’t care. I love it. We blow past one club, two clubs, three, and the rest of the scene before we know it. The only seasoning that clings to my memories is the scented palette that is the cafes lining the street, becoming fainter though more distinct as they close, one by one. In front of Cosmic Corner, drum and bass ejaculates

onto me in an orgasmic wave. Time warps, becoming both smooth and coarse simultaneously: like sandpaper, jelly, or toothpaste and peanut butter. The speech of people around me warbles; I can see where they got the idea for that womp-womp sound adults make in Charlie Brown cartoons. I turn to the nearest street performer, the Drummer Guy, with the black makeup plastered across his eyes and his little top hat, looking like Baron Samedi or something. I begin pointing, laughing, and intermittently gnawing on my lighter. He stares at me, unnervingly unfazed, and keeps drumming. Take a left and know that you now carry a new cigarette. The only question you’re asking yourself must be… is this my third cigarette tonight, like tonight, man, or my fifth? I try to hold us up. Try to think… dude, dude, like, dude wait, dude… But I’m told that we have to keep going. The benches on this end of the street are a pivotal spot for heartbreak. Old people who sit on these benches during the day, either enjoying the liveliness New Zealand has to offer or pondering what could have been, are now replaced by a girl crying, eye line bleeding onto a cell phone along with her mascara. Moving past this girl who never made it to the finish line, we approach Dreamgirls and are subsequently doused in the blue light special. These Dreamgirls stand in their doorway, trying to tempt passersby with their less-than-desirable bodies, like broken sirens. From the grit of this contagioncharged oasis comes more grit and, in the year that it takes Mr Tonto Klaus and I to pass the alleyway between Dreamgirls and another club, I see a lot. In the darkness of the alleyway, there’s a guy pissing, wine bottle in his tenantless hand. Wine and whisky bottles are littered across the alleyway as well, but they


Envy is frequently likened to a sort of disease – an infection of the heart and mind. While looking through eyes corrupted by envy, pleasure cannot be taken in one’s own accomplishments, fortune or reality.”

aren’t his. A girl passes us who looks like she’s been used by the entire city; face smeared with her Saturday night war paint, and though this could be from the rain, something within me tells me there’s a more intriguing and yet more sinister answer. A man, kid, early twenties, my age, passes us, face beat to a pulp, scratching his chest. Where the fuck are we? Teeth marks in my lighter become more defined, as I carve deeper into it. This callous fairytale follows us to the end of the street, and so do the wrecked lives of the used girl and the meth head boy. The girl forces herself onto my associate, though in essence and energy only. I’ll later learn her name is Faith. “…well, we would give you a cigarette if we hadn’t already, like, done that. “Look, look, you dropped it, see!” “Dude, I can’t be near this girl, we need to, like, get the fuck out of here…” An aura is pouring off this girl and onto me. Mr Klaus grabs my arm and we cross a dark street with a faction of drunks while Faith is distracted. In front of Burger Fuel. If you went right, following the street until it reached Pizza King, an utterly terrible place from what I’ve been told, and peered through the window, you’d find geeks playing Magic cards at one in the morning. Tonto Klaus goads me forward. I light another cigarette, and allow myself to be goaded. The acid is in full effect by now, I can no longer contain any of my emotions. They can be read on my face as simply as a tabloid. My laughter comes in waves, interwoven with pauses of sheer awe. Dude, like, think of when you were a kid. Like when everything was new an’ shit, and around every, like, corner was a surprise; dude, acid brings you back to this place. Now I’ve walked the city raw, I know what’s around most corners. But this night, fuck, man, my mind felt like it was trying to catch up with itself. I knew what was

around the corners, inside the nooks and crannies of the concrete jungle, but I had just forgotten it all. And when I was reminded, goddamn was it a good feeling. This is when a lady in a red dress walks by, surrounded by thugs. Something burning so hot, so bright, coveted by such dirt. Truly a diamond in the rough. We move to the sides of the “walk and she passes between us. My eyes lock with Mr. Klaus”. Man, like, what do women and The Bible have in common? They both tear men away from one another. We move on. Outside the theatre; a place so classy during the day, but now rusted, corroded by the homeless at night. Pack of ‘em walks past us, their shuffled, scuffled footsteps reverberating in my ears. I stop in front of a bench, occupied by a vagrant holding a sign that says “need money for alcohol research” in scripture that should be less legible. A handful of boozed, blazed youths, fuck around with this destitute character because they’re just inebriated enough to feel that level of freedom, though their taunts are simply white noise to me. The down-and-out bastard is too down-and-out to act like he isn’t having a good time. A firm hand grabs me, and before I know it we’re in front of The Fix, across from Burger King. Things are beginning to blur again, but I’ve been told that I started dancing with the Guitar Man outside The Fix, who has only been described to me as a “pirate”. With their speakers, street performers try to blow each other off the sidewalk, hot electric sound filling the streets. Truly a massacre mess mash-up of House of the Rising Sun and the sad lady across the way, in front of the ANZ bank, playing her traditional Maori music. Turn to the collection of exotic animals that are raping Burger King. In and out they go. I’m not sure where my Tonto is, as girls take their heels off and make their way into the BK Lounge, a custom that I, still to this day, do not understand. A cabal of girls is expelled from the eatery, a lone guy in tow: that one guy trying to get in on “girl’s night” and utterly failing.

You can, like, see it in his eyes. He’s like, I’m not getting any tonight, but like, dude, I don’t have anything else to cling onto… Mr Klaus emerges from The Fix, a small bottle of Coca Cola in his hands. I’m told it takes us half an hour to get to the end of the main street. We zig-zag across the street and back multiple times, arguing about anything and everything, though mainly how I’d want to keep stopping and Klaus would want to keep moving on. “…no, dude, wait, hang on a second.” “Yeah, that’s great, but there’s a fucking police officer right over there!” Cabs honk at us and we throw our elderly cigarette butts at them. I’d lost all control now, had become the flagship for chain-smokers everywhere. I smoke cigarettes until they smoulder at the filter. I smoke the filter. And then I smoke some more. By the end of the main street, I am down to my last one. I wait for my partner in crime to finish taking a piss. I check my watch The dials spin rapidly, depriving me of learning what time it is. Klaus, relieved, comes back to me, a determined glint in his eye, but I grab his shirt and pull his face toward mine. I explain to him that where we are, physically, mentally, emotionally, everything-ly, is symbolic of the trip we are on. “We’re like, fuckin’, the only people on this island, in the middle of the city, all the cars and people around us and shit. Dude, like, we’re actually on an island: nobody knows how fucked up we are except us”. I want to show him how the city appears to me, at this junction in time. It’s taken on the form of Times Square, that iconic image of New York City’s heart and soul. The hustle and bustle and the lights. I don’t know how I’ve got here, but I have. “See what I see… take this moment in, Tonto.” Take in the Asian and Middle-Eastern cafes that line the street. Take in the cabs, bleeding by us, music protruding from the cockpits, counterattacking the music spewing out of the clubs. Take in the guys

standing around in clusters waiting to go home. Take in all those packs of girls, walking together, drunken-Naziregime-style, who think that little black dress they’re wearing is the perfect one for them. Take in the street performers, and take in the drunks assisting these street performers on vocal duties. Take in the police, walking in their Fist of Justice triads. They stand over passed-out night-goers on sidewalks and interrogate the homeless in bus stops. Take in the girls who could hold their liquor better than their boyfriends, or whoever it is they are practically carrying. Take in the old guys trying to pick up young, university girls. Take in the street cats that prowl. My cigarette, my last cigarette has been burning this whole time, and Mr Tonto Klaus snatches it out of my hand. “Gimme that fuckin’ thing.” Maybe things aren’t so majestic. Maybe we’re just two fiends, fighting over a nearly finished cigarette like it’s a joint, or like we’re children. Boys with toys. Passing an old Irish bar, life resembles a Jersey Shore episode. Everyone is so smooth, so slicked back, tanned, hair done, nails did, guys and girls alike. Everyone’s, like, covered in plastic, fuckin’ smooth transparent latex. Some guys look like they spent more time getting ready than their girls do. Like their girls have been waiting on them for an hour. Can’t Touch This plays as a guy bumps into me. We pass people in costumes, coming from costume parties, Uncle Fester, following far behind, looking so strange out of context, without the rest of his Addams Family. A new pack of cigarettes has magically appeared. I light one, take a single drag, and it ceases to exist. There’s a sense of community that exists on the scene of New Zealand’s nightlife. There’s community between the cab drivers, chatting to each other about their various passengers. There’s community between the bouncers, who say whatup to each other from across

the street. There’s community between the clubbers and the ethnicities, as I see multitudes of interracial lovers and lusters. And then, people will hassle you for cigarettes, coming on to you like a friend or a rapist would, but your answer is set in stone, rendering you no better than a broken record player. Girls you find attractive will receive at least one drag though, so that when your lips return to that Marlboro Red, you’ll feel like you got closer to kissing a girl than a lot of the other shit cunts out here did. Outside a club, a hand, my own, is dug into my pocket and for the first time tonight, I feel small. For the first time tonight, I feel touchable. “Dude, no!” “Shh-shhh-shutthefuckupforasecond; I’ve been walking around Wellington, on acid, like on acid without any fuckin’ ID, man!” We try a pitiful go at trying to get the two of us inside, but ultimately I get shutdown. Mr. Klaus advances. And I post up on the wall, waiting for his return. I stand next to a bouncer for what feels like hours. I look everyone up and down, even the bouncers. And the bouncers, I watch as they pull drunks into the club to buy more liquor, just so they could kick them out after it’s been sold. I read the faces of guys with fake IDs who were also allowed entry: the bouncers know, but they don’t care. And I stare the bouncers down as they in-genuinely bob their heads to the music coming out of the club, but they own it so well from so much practice, week in and week out. Then there’s that guy who dances outside that place all the time. I think I’m fucked up. I soon realise that I am alone from here on in, that the Lone Ranger doesn’t always have Tonto at his side. The night is winding down and, though I won’t successfully sleep that night, I start my trek back to Massey accommodation. After I cross over to the opposite side of the street, roars erupt in front of Burger Fuel. I watch as a street fight takes place, first on the

sidewalk, then spilling onto the pavement. Light turns green and the cabs, they start to pollute the intersection as there’s no way past this collage of bruised bodies. The cabs aggressively begin honking their horns in agitation and irritation. And then, community makes itself present again. One homeless man, this real grungy fuck, makes his way into the middle of the battle, throwing his hands up and successfully manages to break it up. He throws white guys off Maori guys and Maori guys off white guys and, while both sides continue to beat their chests, they back off and start going their separate ways. “And they wonder why we hate them,” this white kid says to another, throwing his hand toward the fading Maori boys, as they pass me by. As I near the accommodation, I realise that this is both the longest and shortest walk I’ve been put through in quite a while. Back at last. On arrival, Bubba, the security guard, is already outside, cigarette in hand. “Bubba! You’re my rock, man. My lighthouse. All that other shit, man!” He begins his spiel, his bullshitting, and it’s at this time that I realise I don’t need the lesson at the end of whatever the ?? he has to say. I realise I know what I need to know. I realise that… to have come so far, to have experienced all this, and to not have gotten arrested, is a beautiful thing. And yet, to have experienced simply another Saturday night, is nothing.


LUCKY YOU, LUCKY US Lucky You is the new menswear brand on the scene. Rachel Purdie chats to the masterminds behind the label, a brother/sister team, one half of whom graduated from Massey.

Sitting down with up and coming fashion stars Pearl and Austin Delaney-Girdlestone, co-founders of menswear brand, Lucky You Apparel, you cand taste the excitement in the air. The launch of their Spring 2013 line is underway, and they couldn’t be more ready to take on the challenges that will come their way. At the dining table of their home, surrounded by beautiful country scenery, it’s not hard to see their inspiration for their work – New Zealand. The brand is New Zealand through and through, from the drawing board of the design stage, right through to the production of the final product. Pearl, a Massey graduate with Honours, is the marketing and branding manager, while Austin, the keen style-setter, is the designer. The brother/sister team open up about the world of fashion and the experiences they have encountered along the way to launching their first line. How did the idea of developing a brand come about? Austin: I went out there and I saw hats that were good, but there wasn’t really anything that I would want to wear. There were ones that I considered, but there’s something when you know you can make the ideal of what you want, especially creating something that could be more special. A friend gave me a contact, and it came to me that I could actually make this a reality. I was constantly like “One day I could make my own brand”, and I could have forever been saying “one day”, but it was that realisation that I could actually make this happen now. Pearl: When Austin put forward the idea, I thought it was great, but wasn’t too sure about how much he meant it. After he explained all of the research he had already put into it, I knew he was serious, and I knew that I had to be a part of it. Why hats, and why five panel hats? P: It was a good intro to the industry. We want to develop further into more clothing, but it’s a good place to start – everyone can wear them! A: I hadn’t really worn hats because I have a big head

and they never really suited me, but with five panels they fitted into my kind of style. Five panels are more of an accessory - there is functionality to them, and they are like wearing a nice sweater. P: Our motto for Lucky You is that our products are an “Extension to your art piece”, what you wear for the day expresses who you are, and our hats top it off. Even made and designed for a guy, a girl can still pull it off. You can mix it up with the different panels and the fabrics you apply to it, and it’s a nice product that stands really nicely for New Zealand. Where did the notion of exclusivity come from? A: I hate when I buy something and spend a lot of money on it and then walk down the street and someone’s wearing the exact same thing. There’s an aesthetic in that idea that I like – I know I would enjoy the knowledge that it’s exclusive, and I know there are people out there that would also enjoy it. So I thought, why not make it happen? There’s something more special about owning a unique item, rather than a product that is simply another in a line of numbers. P: We would only ever do a maximum of 20 for each style. The number of runs is determined by everything from the amount of fabric available to how special, and exclusive, we want a certain design to be. There are 12 designs in total for the Spring 2013 collection, with four one-offs. They are individualised in the packaging with labelling denoting which run they are, say you buy the sixth hat offline, then it will come with a 6/20 on it, kind of like a certification. The idea that you are the only person in the world with that hat is quite special. You know you’re not going to walk down the street and run into someone with the same hat. How difficult was it to create a purely New Zealand product? P: Straight away, Austin found a company, and we got in contact with them, and he went up there and saw them. So we were very lucky in terms of that. To branch out into the other types of apparel we are interested in such as t-shirts, shorts, shirts, we are definitely struggling more in that area. You can definitely see why

people in New Zealand go overseas, such as I Love Ugly going offshore to Korea. We think it’s really important that if we are going to do something in New Zealand, to do it New Zealand made – it ensures that our products have the level of quality we want, which is the highest we can possibly produce. A: I believe that it’s appealing to people in the New Zealand market, that it comes from overseas, but at the same time, for international customers it’s a New Zealand brand through and through, from every aspect including the design, through to the production, and even being stylised to the New Zealand climate. Did you ever imagine that you would be working together as a team? P: No. As kids we used to fight terribly, like he would wind me up, being farm kids and everything. But now we get along really well and we can discuss things and he’s finally matured [laughs]. A: No, no definitely not. I think it’s almost better in that sense, because you can respect their opinion a lot more. As I am a person with a tendency to throw the towel in, it makes it a lot harder when it’s family. I feel that if it had been anybody else, we wouldn’t be where we are today. Were your young ages ever an impacting factor when dealing with businesses? P: People do look surprised, and for Austin and I it’s our first time for us as well. When I was applying for the merchant system for the website, I was like, “I’m sorry I don’t know what that is, can you please explain that to me?” And when we went up to the bank, and I had on my blazer and everything, and were like “Hi, we would like to sign up our business account” and the lady kind of raised her eyebrows. Where do you envision your brand going from here? A: Making it one of the top quality New Zealand made menswear brands. P: I’ve got big dreams for it, and want it to become my fulltime job in the next year or two. This will enable me to focus 100 per cent on the brand and really push it, but we would definitely like to be solid competition for other New Zealand names.


Adding to Uniqueness

With the range of hats in the Spring 2013 line, each has its own story and history, adding to the uniqueness of the individual products and the brand as a whole. Ranging from the “Number One” featuring a Jacobean print, being named due to being the first roll of fabric the designer duo purchased, to the “Cashmere in Japan” featuring grey wool and cashmere panels accented by a Japanese print purchased from a Wellington market, the products are certainly something special. The textures range from felts to satins, the colours are a rainbow of ivory through to chocolate, and the prints are anything from country hounds to botanicals.

Purchased from high end stores, markets, and op shops, the fabrics may be the last of the roll, a pillowcase or even an exotic piece pulled from their Mum’s travelling suitcase. Lucky You Apparel can be purchased online at, followed on Instagram at luckyyouapparelnz, or via their Facebook page “Lucky You”. As well as products available, these social media connections allow people to see behind-the-scenes, including the photo shoot for the campaign, the endless discussions over a delicious dinner somewhere, and the design space utilised, giving them chance to join them on a journey into the world of fashion. MASSIVE FEATURE




Photos – Sarah Kilner Illustration – Brodie Nel Model – Zoey Radford-Scott Make-up – Maia Renner



If you happen to live in Wellington, it’s virtually inevitable that you’ve noticed many a stylish head adorned with the word ‘Ayla’ this winter. The signature beanies, along with bags and bucket hats, have served a rapidly build brand awareness of 2012 Massey Fashion graduate Ayla Rorik’s eponymous label. Her well received first commercial collection ‘Absence’ has been stocked at The Design Loft, which is an independent collaboration of emerging NZ designers - including fellow Massey graduates Jacque Shaw and Brooke Barrett. It hosts both a workroom and showroom, and Wanderer in Christchurch. While Wellington has provided an excellent initial platform for Rorvik, she is set to jump the ditch to Melbourne, with the goal of expanding her brand throughout Australasia. Her departing collection, ‘Suited’ is a personal project, and an intentional stride out of her black and white comfort zone. These 100% linen two-piece power-suits are an exploration of the modern suit with a wink toward the feminist movement. Intended for every day wear, they are wilfully ignorant to stereotypes of occasion and gender appropriate dressing.




TO ENVY OR NOT TO ENVY Why do we envy people? Is it sin or is it in our nature? Jimmy Jansen researches what true envy, or jealousy, really is.

Feeling dark and stormy on a dark and stormy afternoon, I added to my misery by venturing out into what I would define as a summer blizzard – tropical, bloody New Zealand. I was searching for something to lift the bitter taste of dissatisfaction from my tongue, namely, a packet of TimTams. Soaked and completely frozen, I arrived at the supermarket to collect said TimTams only to receive an embarrassing “DECLINED” at the counter. As students, you can all empathise. Less than contented, I thundered out into the street only to be accosted by the worst couple imaginable. Walking towards me in Karen Walker and World Man attire were two of the most handsome men I have ever seen, each holding a Memphis Meltdown and each other’s hand. I suddenly became very aware of what I didn’t have. I didn’t have a sexy boyfriend holding my hand. My track pants were not off the Gucci rack, and I certainly did not have an ice cream. As if I wasn’t simmering already, this delightful couple, an innocent and completely inoffensive picture of happiness, was enough to make me retch. I could feel the sweet memories of chocolate icecreams turning sour on my lips. I could feel the excitement of having a special someone weave their fingers between mine turn to contempt. For the first time that day, I felt a strange burning passion, a seething emotion: bitter, resentful, envy. Finally there was something in the Bible I agreed with. Envy certainly is a sin burning of flesh… or at least it feels like it. Is envy simply a superficial feeling that occasionally rears its ugly head? Or does it run far deeper than we care to realise? Without getting too religiously charged on the topic, though most religions disagree and slag each other off furiously, they can agree on some things. Across the

holy board, the formidable and destructive power of envy is recognised and placed on the “thou shalt not” list. Christianity identifies envy as looking upon the fortune of others with ill-placed desire and bitter resentment – a relentless wanting of what others have. As far as sins go, envy is placed in the top seven. “He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind”. Buddha didn’t like envy either. He was right as well. I have never been so profoundly affected by an icecream before. Though I hated classics in high school - more than one week of painted vases is too much - some of the best thinkers and best stories came out of ancient Greece and Rome. “Invidia”, the Latin word for envy, stems from the Latin word “Invidere”, which means “to look too closely”, by definition, to look too closely through a resentful gaze. Ovid, an ancient Roman poet described Invidia, personified, as a Roman goddess: “Her face was sickly pale, her whole body lean and wasted, and she squinted horribly; her teeth were discoloured and decayed, her poisonous breast of a greenish hue, and her tongue dripped venom. … gnawing and being gnawed, she was herself her own torment”. Though this paints a vivid and dramatic picture - and sounds somewhat like one of my ex’s - the feeling of envy is not so far from it. Envy, and the physiological response associated, is pretty intense. Imagine the appearance of Invidia – a melancholy, withered wreck of a figure, full of dissatisfaction and contempt. Short of having bad teeth, if I were to look at my reflection as those boys pranced past me, the pursed lips and frown on my face was probably enough to melt flesh. Interestingly, envy is frequently likened to a sort of disease – an infection of the heart and mind. While looking through eyes corrupted by envy, pleasure

cannot be taken in one’s own accomplishments, fortune or reality. Dissatisfaction, disdain and resentment aren’t pretty, and to feel such negative feelings is sickening to the mind and body. The ancient Greeks believed that envy caused an elevation in bile and acidity in the body, producing a yellowish/greenish tinge in the skin, possibly giving rise to the phrase, “green with envy.” Funnily enough we relate feeling green to feeling sick. For example, I felt a bit “green” a couple of Sundays ago. Though I am sure there is some wild explanation of this, I wonder if it has anything to do with the colour of vomit? In hindsight (wonderful lovely hindsight), seeing those boys should have made me happy: a nice pair, nice clothes, happiness… Instead I was Invidia incarnate. Again referring to the ancients, the Romans considered envy in others as a measurement of personal success! In a way, I suppose, having people be envious of you is a bizarre form of appraisal. In saying this, being envious was one thing, being hateful was entirely another. Being looked upon with too much envy was to be under the gaze of the “evil eye” – something to be feared and avoided. Now I love books, especially the ones with a bit of drama, and nothing juices out a plot line than a bit of envy and betrayal. Laced with both of these things, one of my favourite stories is The Count of Monte Cristo – envy at its most vindictive. In the story, despite being a common sailor from a poor background, Edmond Dantes has good fortune and lives a happy life, until he is betrayed by his best friend, Fernand Mondego, the son of a count and heir to a fortune because, despite his decadent lifestyle, he is dissatisfied with his existence. Edmond: “Why are you doing this?” Fernand: “Because you are the son of a clerk! And I am not supposed to want to be you! Beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on!”


Envy is frequently likened to a sort of disease – an infection of the heart and mind. While looking through eyes corrupted by envy, pleasure cannot be taken in one’s own accomplishments, fortune or reality.”

Another beauty is the Shakespearian play, Othello. Having played Othello in high school, I can safely say jealousy and envy didn’t exactly work out for him – or his wife (that was my first onstage murder). While envy and jealousy make for a ripping tale, frighteningly, these stories are not so farfetched that they couldn’t be real. Bart and Lisa, Chris and Meg and, more realistically, me and Ben (my brother) – no one understands envy like siblings. Envy in the form of sibling rivalry not only begins before the age of reason and awareness, but it comes so naturally that, for years, it’s barely recognisable. I always thought my brother drove me nuts. I’m sure he thought the same. And it’s certainly not a new thing. Yet again, I am including another Biblical reference – the story of Cain and Abel, the sons of Adam and Eve. Long story short, Abel was God’s favourite and, out of jealously, Cain took him out, not only committing the first fratricide, but the first murder. As far as the Bible is concerned, Abel was the first human to die and Cain was the first murderer. Envy created murder. While my brother and I have never plotted against each other to such a degree (yet) each of us are always referring to ourselves as the “favourite”. Jokingly, of course. And though we are both adults now and get along great, as soon as we are in the presence of our mother, it begins. At first, we are just “being funny”, then it descends into snappy comments, sarcasm and blatant and unnecessary arguing. Why? Though our mother never raised us in competition with each other, we are brothers. Human nature says we should fight for our mother’s affection. It’s okay though. At the end of the day I know I am still the favourite. Still, siblings and parents should always be wary of the green eyed beast. One of my favourite manifestations of envy is schadenfreude. Not only because I love the way it

sounds but because I can understand it. Translating from German into “joyful damage”, schadenfreude means to take pleasure in the misfortune of others. Don’t deny it, we have all felt it. To watch someone you envy fail, is disturbingly satisfying. Scientific studies in the field of neurology have proven by means of brain scanning and MRI’s that schadenfreude exists. Manifesting as waves of stimulation in the pleasure centre of the brain upon watching someone else fail, it makes us all a bit sinful. Though it may go unnoticed, our society is deeply saturated with schadenfreude. Remember when Britney had a meltdown and shaved off her hair? Remember when Tori Spelling went a bit far on the ol’ collagen fillers? Or when Lady Gaga tripped over her ridiculous heels? And think about the on-going 65 million-year-old drama between Brad, Angelina and Jennifer? We love to hate these people. I, for one, love to hate Justin Bieber. Celebrities are mounted on these pedestals not only so we can idolise them, but so we can enjoy watching them fall. Women’s’ magazines feed on the misery of others and, by extension, are based on schadenfreude. Joyful damage sells. Yet still we inadvertently model our idea of perfection on them. Still we envy their white teeth, big breasts, hourglass figures, bulging muscles and designer clothing. Envy and schadenfreude is a cyclic trap between the envious and the envied. And to think, schadenfreude is but one result of envy. Revenge, spite, hatred, scorn, contempt: all of the worst of human nature that has repeatedly caused pain and suffering throughout human history, leads back to the poison roots of envy. Envy is sinful. Envy is bitter. Envy is destructive. We know this, yet envy is evidently and undeniably part of human nature. To be envied is somewhat of a compliment. However, to be hated for your own good fortune, is miserable.

Though it can act as a driver for personal success, hateful competition driven by envy is horrendously detrimental to both parties. The goddess, Invidia was recognised as the essence of self-consumption, selfdestruction and self-inflicted sickness – as is envy as an emotion. Throughout history, religion and literature, envy has led to suffering and misery. Count Mondego and Othello certainly didn’t live happily ever after. Admittedly, for the briefest of moments, I wanted one of those men I met on the street, if not both, to choke on their ice-cream stick. “Don’t be so callous,” I told myself. “Just be happy for them.” I caught one of their eyes and just managed a smile. When I got home, frostbitten, hungry, and single and completely underdressed for any public outings of any kind - I found one last Mint Slice in my fridge. Being happy for others in their happiness brings happiness to you – or at least the odd chocolate biscuit.


A tasty little number At Allpress it’s all about flavour... starting at coffee farms and finishing in your cup. Our obsession with the best tasting coffee involves selecting top grade Arabica beans, using hot air roasting technology, training baristas and the expertise of our people. Enjoy every cup knowing you are in the best possible hands.

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Kingseat psych hospital … a haunting experience Is Kingseat, Auckland’s old psychiatric hospital, haunted? After investigating the hospital’s spooky attractions, Anna Tabrum and Tayla Rea ask whether the past might be better left alone.

Kingseat, a former psychiatric hospital in rural Karaka, south of Auckland, is famous for being one of New Zealand’s most notoriously haunted locations. Since its opening in 1929, many stories have circulated of tormented souls sent out there away from civilisation, and carers who went as mad as their patients. There are hundreds of claims of paranormal activity existing between the walls of the buildings, and in the shadowy surrounding grounds: phones and doorbells ringing with no one there, lights flickering when turned off, objects moving around the house and falling off shelves, and ghosts of the former patients and nurses wandering around the building. Driving to the grounds in Karaka, an overwhelming sense of heaviness plagued us both. We thought at numerous points we must be there already, but ventured further and further into the quiet countryside. At first we thought we might just be winding ourselves up, but there was a definite uneasiness about the place. The grounds are huge, and we felt like we’d just driven into the set of Hollywood film Shutter Island. Old rickety buildings were dispersed across a large expanse of land. An old windy road led us around these decrepit frameworks and the huge grounds towards the nurses’ home. Those who visit Kingseat now come at night time. During the day the place seemed creepier; we could see the dusty windows and run-down buildings and we got a sense of what daily life was like for those who were deemed “unwell” enough to go to the hospital. Part of the old hospital grounds is now home to Spookers, a popular haunted attraction which opened eight years ago. We were able to look around both the attractions and the parts of the nurses hostel that are closed off to the public. The Spookers experience is a night of terrors involving lights, music, and actors that leap out at walkers by in old houses, forests, and a large cornfield. The macabre blood and zombies are scary, but the most chilling feature of Spookers lies in its history.

“The Grey Nurse” is one of Kingseat’s most infamous apparitions. Legend has it she was among many staff who committed suicide at the institution due to unbearable working conditions. There are small rooms attached to the main hallway in the nurses’ hostel. These rooms are now mostly used for Spookers storage, and old hospital equipment. Apparently, a common rule among the workers at Spookers is to not look behind you when you are in this space: you don’t know what you’ll see behind you. Mark Wallbank from Haunted Auckland has conducted many investigations at Kingseat with his team. Though he said he couldn’t confirm or deny whether there is actual haunted activity going on at Kingseat, he highlighted an incident where the Haunted Auckland team managed to have communication with something. Using EMF - electromagnetic frequency machines - they noticed “amazing energy” in the nurses’ hostel. During their investigations, they asked questions and said that they got immediate responses. According to Wallbank, there were odd temperature fluctuations, anomalies and energy balls in a place where there was no power. Darren Mair, an employee at Spookers who has been there for seven years, told us that plenty of the staff and customers had seen suspicious things happen in the years that he has been working in the old nurses hostel. “We have had people see shadows. We have had people think that they see figures. “Yesterday one of our actors said that he was sure there was someone walk out of the make-up room while he was down there. We’ve had the alarms go off, the cameras have been set off, as you walk through some parts of the attractions you do sort of get a bit of an eerie feeling. And even we get it, the ones of us that have been here a long time.” Though Darren says he is “more of a sceptic”, he also said: “We get the building blessed every now and then, so it’s just peace of mind for the staff and the customers as well. The staff say that things start to play up every now and then.”

The creepiest room for both of us was “the baby room”. While other rooms displayed gory scenes of butchered and bloody people, this room was pretty simple, set up with a small wooden baby’s crib and a few other pieces of old, cracked furniture. Immediately upon entry we felt weird - a conflicting mixture of heaviness and nausea. Darren told us about some freaky stuff that had gone down in that room. One time, two of the workers at Spookers said they had witnessed the crib violently shaking before flying over to the other side of the room. Another worker had felt physically sick when they entered the room and had to leave urgently to vomit. On Wednesday July 28 1999, Kingseat was shut down and the last patients were moved to a mental health unit on Bairds road. The hospital operated for years with multiple reported cases of mistreatment. So what now? The New Zealand Herald reported in January that there are plans to change the old hospital into 450 homes. However, there is strong opposition from those that say the place has historical value and needs to be kept for heritage. Those who dispute this say that the history of Kingseat is not something that many want to remember. What we do know is that many people enjoy going to Spookers, and some even choose the location to get married in. It appears, at this stage, that Kingseat will remain for some time. We left the nurses hostel and Kingseat feeling slightly spooked but, mostly, just sad. What had happened to people here? After hearing the stories and reading the facts, we definitely felt some bad vibes lingering round Spookers and the ground. One of us felt a hand on our back as we were leaving. So we stopped on the way out and washed our hands, as is the tradition in Maoridom, to wash away the tapu of the place. Whatever was left behind from what had happened there was not coming with us.


The most chilling feature of Spookers lies in its history. “The Grey Nurse” is one of Kingseat’s most infamous apparitions. Legend has it she was among many staff who committed suicide at the institution due to unbearable working conditions.

67 years of abuse

Kingseat has a history of numerous patients, adults and children, going missing while in care during its 67 years of operation. It is located way out in the middle of nowhere. It is away from the sight of people, suburbs and settlements, and far from people’s consciences. Bruce Charles Mitchell, a teenage patient at Kingseat, in 1967 walked away from the hospital and was never seen again. No body was recovered, however Bruce’s death certificate reportedly indicated he had drowned. Disturbingly, and unknown to the rest of New Zealand, similar disappearances have happened far too frequently. Several former nurses at the hospital talk of patients wandering aimlessly into the mangroves, and sinking below the water, never to be seen again.

One former nurse claims a patient who went missing one night, was found hanging by their bed sheets in the entranceway trees the next day. Psychiatric hospitals of this era have faced many allegations that patients were mistreated and abused. The case of 11 year old Clement Matthews which was reported by the New Zealand Herald on June 19 2004, is one of nearly 200 abuse cases against Kingseat. Fellow patient and friend Stephen Lindsay claims he saw Matthews “grabbed around the neck by a staff nurse and wrenched to the ground”. Then the nurse, he says, “delivered the emphatic blow, a stiff kick to Matthews back”. Lindsay had heard a snap and known it was Matthews’ back.



ADAPT OR DAI That swag, that sultry voice, that cheeky grin, that slight stature and that delicious set of facial hair. On the release of Dai Henwood’s upcoming DVD Adapt or Dai, Sasha Borissenko has a chat to one of New Zealand’s most loveable funny guys.

Tell me a little bit about your name - it seems a little morbid and ironic for a comedian. Yes, well David is my full name, and the appropriate Welsh abbreviation of that is Dai. The only time it had gone awry is when I was being interviewed by this guy who was from a magazine who had really got the wrong end of the stick and thought I was from the band Die Die Die. We got half way through the interview and he honestly goes, “so I see you’ve just done a tour of Tokyo, what is that like being in a New Zealand four-piece band?” I was like, “what are you talking about dude?” He goes, “you’re the dude from Die Die Die, aren’t you, eh?” I said, “No.” He goes, “Oh hey, um, I’m going to have to finish this interview, the artwork has just been printed, and do you think you could pretend you are from Die Die Die?” Were you offended? Not at all actually, I found it to be quite humourous. You would think you would have to do a minimal amount of research. He got the complete wrong end of the stick but having an unusual name has always been a positive for me. There was no one at school called Dai, I mean obviously you get hassled. I got called “Princess Dai”. But I think it gives you a point of uniqueness. You studied eastern religion and theatre at university, tell me a bit about that? I’ve always been fascinated with Buddhism and so forth and the reason why people believe. A big thing in my new DVD is there are really only two types of people in this world. There’s constructive and destructive, regardless of what religion or race you are, so you’ve really just got to be on the constructive side of things and you will be sweet. I’m an atheist but I have complete respect for everyone else’s religion, whatever floats your boat. Tell me about being the gadget man on TV3 Sunrise, RIP? I am neither that now, nor is that show on now either.

Quite sad really. The iPhone is definitely my favourite gadget. There have been a lot of other gadgets in my life, other phones and so forth, but I find myself always using that elixir of life because it’s always on me. Not the magic bullet? No [laughs]. It’s a surprise because I have heard that thang is awfully handy. You are from Wellington originally, why on earth have you ventured yonder to Auckland? I’m from the ghetto originally. They don’t make TV in Wellington, I’m afraid. I had to turn to the darkside. I love Auckland, its primo. It’s hot, the streets are paved with gold, there are beaches, and it’s amazing. I love Auckland as much as I love Wellington. It’s all the same. I have the scoop: why was your under 7’s childhood rugby team so piss poor? Was it down to your poor ability or your dad’s poor coaching? [Laughs] Well I scored 31 tries for that side. It was really down to a general lack of skill, and you can’t coach horses to play rugby. My dad gave it a go. I was always in the bad rugby team. Where on earth did you hear that? I can’t reveal my source, I’m afraid. How long does it take to grow that extraordinary set of facial hair? Between three and five days, depending on the humidity. If I was ginger and could grow a beard I would fully embrace it. You are of the wee disposition, have you ever suffered from short man syndrome? I have you know I have never thought of myself as short, until I worked on Seven Days and two of my colleagues are above 6 foot 4. I am perfect in every way. Have you ever had a romantic encounter with Jeremy Corbett? No, I’ve tried. We’ve never been able to sort our timing. He is really bad at timing his Viagra dosage. So he’ll be on a plan and he’ll be raging hard, but when he needs to be on form he’s the soft soldier.




“There was no one at school called Dai, I mean obviously you get hassled. I got called “Princess Dai”. But I think it gives you a point of uniqueness.”

Is there a pressure to be funny all of the time? Yes sort of, well, it’s my job so I would say there definitely is. But naturally I’m funny when I’m in a good mood and I’m often in a good mood. But there’s an expectation for sure. How would you describe New Zealand comedy at the moment? It’s the best it’s ever been. There are so many good comedians out there and the reason why they’re good is there are so many opportunities - there are so many more shows, there is a lot more comedy on TV, so newbies have the option to get real experience and get really good fast. Audiences really trust comedians these days so they are much more willing to sit there and enjoy it. What do you think of that awkward-New Zealand style comedy? I wouldn’t classify myself in that boat but, occasionally at rural gigs, it gets a bit awkward. You know, you’ve got your weird sort of mix of rural pig hunters and there are people from town and they are all a bit...awkward. [Laughs] But generally Kiwis are happy in their own skin. What’s your worst crowd/awkward moment? Beer festivals, because everyone is getting on it, standing up and not really paying attention [laughs]. It makes it a very hard gig. Probably the worst moment was being on stage in Edinburgh in a room of really pissed people who thought they were at a different show. Halfway through, 34 of the 36 people walked out and there was one old guy left and I said, “Why are you here?” And he said, “I went to school with your mum.” I don’t think I will ever have a more awkward moment than that. How do you prepare for a gig - do you get nervous? I like a bit of time by myself or talking to the other comics and talk shit. I always get nervous. I think nerves are one of the best feelings a human can have because it puts you on edge. When I first started out I used to throw up, but now the right amount of nerves tend to keep me on point.

This is a bit crass, but who would you kill, bang or marry, out of Ben Hurley, Steve Wrigley and Jesse Griffin: That’s a hard one. I would probably marry Steve because he’s just so loveable. It would be like marrying candyfloss. Then I would probably fuck and kill both of the others in one big orgy rampage. This is a really weird question. I don’t know how I would kill them because I’m not really into killing people, to be honest. Who is the best celebrity in NZ? Ben Lummis, because he was on NZ Idol back in the day and I think he was one of the first celebrities to fully commit to cornrows. Who is the worst NZ celebrity? I would have to say Paul Ego because his shirts are just too offensive on the eye. Sweet or savoury? Sweet, Lindt 85 per cent cocoa chocolate. Most awkward experience with a groupie? I don’t really get groupies, that’s the downside of being in New Zealand but I had the most awkward experience with someone following me around the supermarket. They came up to me and said, “Hey Rhys Darby, can I please have your autograph.” I don’t know if it said more about me or them because Rhys and I look extremely different. Worst date? I was 12 years-old and I took a girl to the movies and I was too scared to put my arm around her. I tried half way through and I got my arm jammed in between the seats. I was too scared to try and get it out. It went completely numb and after the movie she had to help me pry my arm out. You must have been quite the ladies’ man if you were going out on dates at age 12. Ab-so-lute-ly. Dai Henwood’s new DVD Adapt or Dai features a live stand up performance and hilarious commentary. MASSIVE has three copies to giveaway! Check out our giveaways’ section to find out how to enter.


Journey into the Unknown Studying abroad can contribute to many life experiences and memories. At Massey, you can do it. KaraJane Chapman tells her story.

With the heat from the sun bearing down upon me, I stand at the lookout point with 8km of hard slog behind me and gaze up at the ancient, ochre-stained crags of Burrunggui. Reverence spreads from my heart down: Kakadu National Park has received me as a guest and I begin to feel the heartbeat of the wetlands resonating with my own. The Australian outback, from its wetlands to its semiarid deserts, teems with a life force that I had not been able to imagine prior to embarking on my study abroad programme under the guidance of Lee Stoner, Dan Wadsworth (Massey University) and Mikell Gleason (University of Georgia). I’d been studying in isolation - as a distance student of Massey University - for four years and this was to be my last course as an undergraduate student. Global Health: The Importance of Sustainability had promised to offer me the chance to experience some of the natural wonders of Australia and share with the indigenous guardians of the land their experiences, their histories and their present struggles within post-modern society. I felt privileged to share this experience with a group of 17 other students and three lecturers, as we journeyed thousands of kilometres across the continent. The course delivered its promises. The group met in Sydney and friendships developed quickly. The alliance between Massey University and the University of Georgia allowed us all to explore an assessment framework with which few of us were acquainted. We met the challenges with enthusiasm. The Facebook photos of the Great Barrier Reef and Uluru that provoked envy in my workmates back home belied the work we encountered as we travelled: we worked from dawn until dusk. But the work was enjoyable. Finally, I had the chance to synthesize my readings with the natural and manmade settings from which those readings were derived. Biology, sociology, psychology, ecology, and anthropology came to life for us as we swam with sea

turtles amidst undersea forests on the Great Barrier Reef, hiked across the rocks of Ubirr to experience a collective shiver of awe as we saw the sun settle over the billabongs at Kakadu and listened, with tears in our eyes, to a brave lady in Katherine who relayed her mother’s experiences as one of the many indigenous children of the “Stolen Generation” who were ripped from their families in the early twentieth century as successive Australian governments attempted to “whiten” our indigenous foremothers and forefathers. As we worked on debates, integrated essays and digital stories, our learning experiences began to weave together an intricate portrait of the path of self-destruction that consumerism and exploitation of people and natural resources is leading us down. The injustices of Australian governmental policy angered us; we felt indignation as we listened to the struggles being waged in Australian society by indigenous factions, most of it concealed in the tabloid newspapers in the cities as the mumblings of a few malcontents rather than the cries for justice of the people who have protected their lands for 50,000 years. We saw evidence of the brutality of governments past and present in Australia’s museums, in the voices of its indigenous elders and in the tiny communities we travelled through. I couldn’t find an apple to buy in Jabiru, and I found myself forced to subsist on processed foods that are the staple of the diets of the people who live in these impoverished areas. After three days in Jabiru I wanted to tap out and run home where I knew I could gorge myself on all of the fish, fruits and vegetables I wanted. I was lethargic, my memory was faltering and I struggled to listen to our guest speakers. I needed the comfort of my nutrientrich diet! The indigenous peoples of Australia’s remote communities do not have that option. The reality of this situation distressed me. That distress, I realised as I gazed up at Burrunggui, should stay with me for the rest of my life. It will be an important factor in reminding

me of the difficult work ahead of me. Students who choose to study abroad should expect to be pushed out of their comfort zones. You might face long hours of study, methods of assessment which completely contradict your own perceptions of the means by which learning should be measured, extreme climates, physically challenging field work and a reworking of your world views at cultural crossroads. In a sense, studying abroad is an intrepid journey. It’s an adventure and a privilege. You’ll see natural wonders, you’ll marvel at the ingenuity of the people who have built lives around their ecological surrounds, and you may be lucky enough to confront your own preconceptions of normality. No textbook will allow you these experiences. For me, the most valuable lesson I took home from my study abroad programme was this: there exists knowledge beyond our grasping. There are questions that we will never be able to answer. We might never really know what the rock paintings at Kakadu “mean.” We might sense the spiritual undertones of the past integrated with the present around Uluru even if we can’t understand them. And that’s okay. The westernised conception of knowledge as being something that is “out there” to be discovered, grasped, studied and manipulated may not be applicable to all contexts and to all cultures. By stepping out of my comfort zone, I was able to fully understand the responsibility that transcends all notions of individual nationality: the responsibility that we as human beings have to each other and to the biosphere which sustains us. We can read about these things, and intellectually we can understand them, but we cannot feel them, we cannot know them, until we are immersed in them. Studying abroad allows us to do this. For a brief period, we leave the comforts of the cities and we step out into the unknown.


Leo Bertos: Striking Ambition Long-standing Phoenix and All White midfielder/right winger Leo Bertos has achieved the status of a Kiwi soccer idol. Josh Berry talks to him about the All Whites’ chances at World Cup qualification, and the state of New Zealand’s soccer.

Footsteps clatter against the cold, hard footpath as I wait outside a popular inner-city cafe. The clock reads 2:32pm. As I look around in anticipation for Leo Bertos’ arrival, people scurry along the street amid lines of traffic, scavenging pigeons and a lone parking warden dishing out scrolls of contempt. At 2:35pm a pearly white Audi coupe sifts down the narrow street, parallel-parking adjacent my viewpoint. A cool, calm and collected Bertos steps out effortlessly from the driver-side door, his motion fluent and contradictory to the on-going of the busy afternoon. I introduce myself to him with a handshake, only to be disrupted by a sudden yell from the nearby Cuba Street Fruit Mart. “Hey Leo, can I get autograph, yes!?” the store owner bellows unashamedly. Bertos smiles and pays tribute to the devotee by giving him a few minutes of his time. As he exits the store amid a colourful array of seasonal fruit I ask, “You must get a bit of that around here huh?” “Haha it’s all a part of it!” he replies gleefully. “The dude had a whole wall of signatures, it was hard case – he tried to offer me free bananas and stuff [laughs].” Bertos’ humble regard for fans and followers is an important characteristic of the footballer’s star power. In addition, the feats achieved throughout his long football career are admirable for a player emerging from a small nation like New Zealand. Born and raised in Wellington, New Zealand, Bertos took to the game from an early age. “As soon as I could walk my dad and my granddad threw a football in front of me,” he explains. “I guess with my European background it was their passion, you know.” After joining his first football team at the Miramar Rangers, aged five, Bertos quickly rose above his peers with skills attained from early days enjoying the game with family.

“I think, through their passion, I inherited that – it was just in my blood I guess.” As a teenager he was lucky to receive extensive coaching from the late Jim McMullan, a mentor who had also helped All White legend Wynton Rufer reach his football dreams. Bertos believes this one-on-one coaching was responsible for his advancement in his early playing days. “For some reason this coach saw something in me so I stuck with it and did everything he asked me to do – if it wasn’t for that I don’t know where I would’ve ended up,” he says. “I think it wasn’t until I got toward the end of college when I started playing in national age group teams and secondary school teams against Australia that I realised I was good.” Once high school was out of the way Bertos decided to pursue his dream of becoming a professional footballer by heading overseas. Through connections with his good mate Chris Killen, Bertos made the decision to head to Britain and start trialling for foreign teams, leading to his involvement as a player with several clubs. “The tricky thing was, there wasn’t anything in New Zealand at the time – no professional clubs, no nothing. I had a few good friends in the same position, a couple of them decided to do the scholarship stuff through the states and play football for a college while studying. “I wasn’t the best at studying and I didn’t really want to do that anymore – I wanted more of a direct football route, and that meant Europe.” However an opportunity to live and play professionally in his homeland got the better of him in 2008 when he signed on with the Wellington Phoenix. Since then he hasn’t looked back. Bertos’ long stint in the game has seen him witness the triumphs and tribulations of many professional


“I don’t want to jinx us but this year is going to be a lot better for us than last year – I think it will be a good year.”

sporting clubs. None more so than with New Zealand’s singular Hyundai A-League franchise, the Wellington Phoenix. Prior to the 2011/2012 season, then-owner Terry Serepisos experienced financial difficulties in his personal and professional life; at the end of 2011, it was announced he had dissolved his ownership of the club. The club’s license and ownership were passed onto a consortium of Wellington businessman including highprofile businessmen such as Gareth Morgan. This led to setbacks within the team environment. “I think that the process of the change affected everything a little bit and I think it has taken a little bit of time for everything to come together,” Bertos says. “Change of owners, change of bosses and changes player wise for us – it’s not a bad thing. It’s just waiting for it all to come together. “I’m sort of getting the feeling now that it slowly is, and at the moment there is a really good buzz around the club, on the field as well as off it.” Despite these disturbances Bertos recently signed on for another year further reinforcing his commitment toward the club’s development and future endeavours. “I’ve signed on for a year with the option for another one,” Bertos says. “Hopefully I can stay injury free now and play well, if I can keep playing well the club is keen to keep me on board. “The potential of this club is massive for me.” Meanwhile, the franchise has seen new strategies and youth development initiatives set up to further enhance the club’s chance of future success in the Hyundai A-league. “I don’t want to jinx us but this year is going to be a lot better for us then last year – I think it will be a good year,” Bertos says. On the national front he is optimistic about the All Whites ability to qualify for the 2014 FIFA World Cup in Brazil. He believes the team has the right mix

to bask in similar glory to the 2010 World Cup, which saw the national team go through pool play undefeated, including a draw with defending champions Italy. “It’s never easy getting to a tournament like this, Brazil would be unreal,” he exclaims. “The focus is on getting there first, and hopefully we can do that.” “When the final groups are announced and we find out who we will be playing against, then we can probably target how to play against certain teams to get results to go through.” Having the underdog status can elude opposition teams, an occurrence which elevated the All Whites success in the previous World Cup, he says. “I think that people took us lightly, they thought it was an easy win for them.” “Coming in with the same frame of mind, with nothing to lose, there is no fear because we’re always going to be underdogs in a tournament like this anyway.” With the All Whites “big two” qualifying matches looming, there is much anticipation for a repeat of 2009’s success. If current ticket sales are anything to go by, there is a good chance that Westpac Stadium will be at full capacity come November 20. “I definitely think we will sell-out, everyone has great memories of that last game [2009 World Cup qualifier] which was a full house, white-out and winning the game and getting through. “Hopefully we can keep the feeling alive, it does give you a massive buzz when you’re playing out there especially when the fans are behind you – it’s cool man.” Bertos is confident about the opportunities being created for upcoming players. “We need to make sure we’ve got this academy [Wellington Phoenix Academy] running, and running well,” he says. “Because there are a lot of kids playing, man, a lot of kids playing football – it would be great for them to

have an opportunity to play at home so they don’t have to do what I did. “It’s not quite there yet but the wheels are in motion.” As far as his own involvement with the game goes, he is content staying in New Zealand and continuing to help advance the country’s football. “Wellington will always be home for me, I’m lucky I’ve done something I love my whole life,” he says. “Football, it is fun, but when it becomes your job and it’s really results-based, it can be really demanding and tiring and you need something else to take your focus off. “Maybe with the development stuff happening at the Phoenix now they’re starting to target the academy and junior stuff you know – so there is potential there for a career but we’ll see, we’ll look into that, eh! “Hopefully I’ll be coaching your kids, mate!”



STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND Life can be hard, but it can be a lot harder for those with Asperger’s Syndrome . Massey librarian Jamie Sharpe, explains how it affects him and his life.

“Now Jamie, I want you to draw a picture of your family,” the child psychologist said. I was 10 years old, and my parents definitely knew there was something wrong with me - hence the child psychologist. I drew mum and dad, and my little brother Luke, and proudly showed her my picture. “Isn’t there something wrong with it?” she asked. The picture looked fine to me, but I had a good look again, just to be sure. “What do you mean?” I said. “Well, where are you in the picture?” Even back then, it felt like I didn’t belong anywhere or to anybody. Flash-forward to me aged 37. It is Saturday morning at the local flea market I go to every week. There is a little girl screaming and crying so hard her cheeks are bright red, her hands are clamped tightly over her ears. She calms a bit when her grandmother picks her up, and quietens down a lot as she is walked away from the market - out of the danger zone - and back towards her comfort zone. Someone commented: “we don’t know how lucky we are, do we?” Poor little girl. I know how she feels: total sensory overload. God, autism is a bitch. The hands over her ears mean she was desperately trying to block out what was outside her mind: too many people! Too much noise! I’m lucky I’m not that hypersensitive, but I do still have autism. Let me try and describe it. Have you ever been in a situation where you are in danger? Imagine you are in a foreign city, maybe it’s late at night, you are by yourself, lost, and you don’t know how to get home. That’s scary isn’t it? That’s how it feels for me to have Autism: everything is outside my comfort zone. I’ve got no peace of mind, just anxiety, loneliness and confusion. And then there’s the disconnectedness I feel, even when I’m in company I’m slightly lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I do have friends, but any kind of relationship is difficult for me. It was only last year, aged 36, that I finally managed to go overseas for the first time.

My trip to Hawaii was so awesome, and not at all as scary as I’d thought going overseas would be, that this year I’ve already planned a bigger trip for a whole month - to Los Angeles, Las Vegas and then Mexico. Anything outside my usual routines or comfort zone really upsets me: my first reaction when I get invited to a party is one of fear. I’ve done it so many times now that I know it will turn out fine, but it has taken me a long, long time to get to that point. Conversation requires a great deal of concentration on my part, otherwise I’m worried I’ll say something awkward and really embarrass myself. I used to just shun socialising entirely, but I’ve gotten a lot better over the past five years or so. Life takes place totally inside my own mind, whereas non-autistic people need to converse and interact with others, my imagination and inner monologue keep me company. Really I’d prefer to be in the company of animals. Cats and dogs are better friends to me than people - they are so much easier for me to understand, and have never hurt me like humans have. I didn’t move out of home until I was 28, and then lived by myself on a farm for five years. By the end of my time living alone I was so desperately bored and lonely I’d down a whole bottle of wine by myself on Friday night - I think my record was one bottle of awful, cheap Pak N’ Save $7 wine in 20 minutes. Committing protracted suicide with alcohol is a hole I could easily fall into if I’m not careful and somehow, I’ve managed to avoid drugs. I’ve never, ever done them, which is good, as I seriously don’t think I would still be here now if I had ever seriously gotten into recreational chemicals. This thing I’ve got - Autism, or Asperger’s Syndrome to be precise - has taken me a very long time to come to terms with. It’s something I’ve hidden from the world. I’ve never had a discussion with my workmates about it, though I’ve worked at the library for a full 10 years, and my colleagues have become like a second family to me. My flatmate doesn’t know about it. And I’ve never

even talked about it with my parents, though of course they have known I was different since I was a baby, and were with me when I was finally, correctly diagnosed with having Asperger’s when I was 17. Finally just before my 36th birthday last year, I sat down and had a beer with my little brother, and we talked for the first time about what it is that I’ve got. I love my brother; he has always really cared about me, even when I was a teenager and the only two words I would speak to him were “fuck” and “off ”. Don’t worry: I apologized to him once before for treating him so badly when we were growing up. He told me then that he has never held it against me, and that he is a better person for having me as his big brother. At the end of last year I also finally talked to my best friend Matt about what is wrong with my mind. I should mention that Matt and I have been friends since we met in kindergarten (no shit!), so it’s going on 33 years that we’ve known each other. It’s easy for me to hang out with Matt as I’m so used to his company - comfort zone, remember - and he knows what to expect from me in return. We play music together, him on guitar, me on drums. My drumming ability seems to come out of nowhere - I only got my drum kit when I was 34 – but, while I can coordinate all four limbs with precision and accuracy when playing, my sporting ability is practically nil. As a child I was always last in the running races, and always picked last for the teams in PE. It’s something to do with hand-eye coordination. I remember thinking when I was running that I was going very fast, but people told me it looked like I was just jogging. Having no sporting background has exacerbated my social problems throughout my life. So how did I end up in the psychologist’s office when I was 10? Well, when I was about 18 months old I started to flap my hands in front of myself whenever I was happy or excited. And as I grew older the hand flapping was accompanied by me jumping up and down on the spot, flapping at the same time.


I’m an extreme daydreamer. I live in an autistic fantasy world, not ever quite fully connected with the world around me. In my head I’m a drummer in a band or a famous actor, not a boring library assistant.

I did these stereotyped physical movements as a kind of physical release. My mind is racing 24 hours a day, and it feels like I need to do something to relieve that agitated feeling. Other physical things people with autism may do include rocking backwards and forwards, pacing nervously (especially on the spot), and basically any kind of physical exercise. When I was seven my parents bought me a birthday present that changed my life - a trampoline. From that point on my jumping up and down and hand flapping was replaced by me jumping up and down on that tramp for at least two hours a day. The acrobatic side of it never appealed to me; just bouncing up and down in soothing monotony suited me fine. I’m an extreme daydreamer. I live in an autistic fantasy world, not ever quite fully connected with the world around me. In my head I’m a drummer in a band or a famous actor, not a boring library assistant. I’ve only recently rediscovered physical exercise, which has been a big part of my recovery from a major depressive episode I had last year. My mother said that when I was a little kid, she used to watch me literally, physically push other kids away if they came near me (I have no memory of this), which brought her to tears. Unlike a lot of children with autism, I didn’t have a big problem making friends and I’ve always seemed to attract people to me, though I haven’t always reciprocated. Mum says when I had other kids around to play, I’d always need to get away from them and have a break by myself, just reading in my room or something. Social interactions can feel very intense to me. Being outside my normal routines and surroundings was extremely painful when I was a kid. Twice I was staying over at a friends’ house and had to be collected in the middle of the night. I became hysterical being away from my parents and my own bed. School camps were the worst- pure emotional torture! This problem of me not wanting to stay anywhere, as

well as my other odd behaviour, led me to see the child psychologist and, though she didn’t officially diagnose me with anything at that stage, she did clearly tell my parents that I had “autistic traits”. My trampolining continued through my childhood and into my teen years. School was always a trial for me. Even now, I occasionally have nightmares that I am back in a classroom, feeling awkward and out of place. When I got to my fifth form year, I started to feel different, autism was taking a hold of me and my first major depressive episode began. I could feel myself going downhill from the beginning of the year, suppressing my emotions, not telling anyone how I was feeling. My parents were encouraging me to do extracurricular activities (martial arts, music, swimming), which I no longer enjoyed, and school was stressing me much more than usual. There was a girl I was in love/obsessed with, and I had no idea how to talk to her. Finally, not long after my 16th birthday, it all became too much for me, my mind just switched off one night while I was preparing a speech for the next day, and I didn’t go back to school the next day, or ever again. Then began my slow recovery from depression, sitting at home watching TV mostly, when I should have been out and about doing normal teenage things. Mum pestered the mental health authorities until, when I was 17, I was interviewed by a distinguished professor of child psychiatry at Starship Children’s Hospital. After my mother had her chance with the professor, telling him about my obsessive trampolining and juvenile hand flapping, it was my turn to be interviewed. This consultation lasted for about 20 minutes, and went something like this: “Do you have a girlfriend Jamie?” “No”. “And I understand you’re an animal lover.” “Yes”. “What do you want to do with your life?”

“Be a writer”. “Have you written anything?” “No”. He confirmed I had Asperger’s Syndrome, which was quite a new condition in 1993. Asperger’s wasn’t officially recognized as being a mental disorder until the early 90’s. And now with the publication of the latest DSM-V (the handbook of the American Psychological Association), Asperger’s is being taken out again. The reason for this, is that it has been decided that Asperger’s is basically autism, just in a less severe form. Autism is spoken of as being a spectrum; Asperger’s could be seen as very high functioning, whereas other autistic people will have the same symptoms, but may be more sensitive, and act out in more pronounced, obvious ways - like the little girl I saw at the market. So how do I recover fully from all these problems I have had throughout my life? I’m still that little boy in the psychologist’s office trapped in the body of a grown man, approaching 40 and still dealing every day with the same shit I faced as a child, and permanently medicated for anxiety and depression. Life is a movie I’m watching alone in the dark. I’ve never had a long-term relationship, let alone being close to getting married. That scenario has always seemed so far away to me. Women are so hard for me to understand. I wish I could read their minds. Perhaps I should be with someone else with Asperger’s or another disability? Sometimes I imagine my life if I didn’t have autism: would I be married with kids? It’s highly unlikely that will ever happen, but I do hope to one day meet a woman who at least accepts me for who and what I am, and then I just might feel like a real person.



DEWING HER THING The lovely Kerry-Lee Dewing from Shortland Street - and former Massey student - sat down with Tasmin Wheeler to chat about what it’s like being on TV, the highs, the lows, and everything in between.

Shortland Street’s Kerry-Lee Dewing has always had a passion for acting and modelling. Moving from South Africa to Auckland 10 years ago, after graduating a Bachelor of Business Studies, she landed an amazing office job at Billabong. However her heart was never fully content. One Friday, she went for another audition and, not long after, received a call back telling her she had secured herself a spot in the cast of Shortland Street as nurse Kylie Brown. Do you watch Shortland Street at home? Not at home, but I do watch the B cuts at works, which are like rough cuts of the episodes before they air. Does it make you cringe seeing yourself, or are you like, “damn, girl”? It’s always strange watching yourself as you notice certain gestures, mannerisms and facial expressions you didn’t even know you were capable of [laughs]. It never really gets any easier, but you do become more comfortable watching yourself with time. Before landing a spot on the show, did you use to watch Shortland St? I definitely saw episodes but never watched it consistently. I’m not really much of a soap fan, not because I don’t like them, but it’s always hit and miss with me whether I’ll catch it one week to the next. Talk us through how you actually got yourself on the show. The audition process, where you saw the audition - had you ever tried to be on the show prior to this moment? I got the audition for the role of Kylie through my agent. The whole process was very fast. I was cast within a week of auditioning and was on set the following. I had done auditions for smaller guest roles on the show but was very happy that they kept me in mind for a more significant character. In the show you recently got diagnosed with Chlamydia. Did the producers ask you if that was OK first, or did you just pick up your script and see it in there and have to go along with it? What’s in the script goes really, of course you’re always welcome to discuss things with the writers and/ or producer, if you have concerns. For this story line, I was a little shocked at first but, in fact as an actor, the more challenging story lines are those that are more interesting and rewarding to play, so really it was a great opportunity to learn about something I knew nothing

about and bring an important subject to the public attention. That is so awesome for you to be so cool about it, as it is a problem loads of people have to deal with. Yeah, absolutely. Shortland Street tackles so many issues that we face in our day-to-day lives. I guess if Kylie was able to bring someone’s attention to, or educate someone on their own problem, then it was a job well done and a subject I’m prepared to take the slack for. Do you feel Kylie is being portrayed as a slut on the show through her actions, like sleeping with her best friend’s boyfriend? I wouldn’t say a slut. She definitely gets herself into situations that are morally questionable, but her actions are not planned with malicious intent; she has a kind heart, and chooses to live spontaneously. Unfortunately the impulse decisions and partying that accompany such a lifestyle often lead to others being hurt along the way. Kylie just keeps getting herself into hot water. Can you relate with her at all? Kylie and I are almost polar opposites. In a way, this makes playing her more exciting and enjoyable, as I’m stepping into the shoes of someone as far removed from me as possible. In a way, I envy her free spirit. She doesn’t get tied down by the potential consequences of her actions, she just goes for it. Personally, I’m a thinker, and Kylie’s a doer! Have you had any random haters out in public saying negatives things to you? Up until recently, I could say no but, unfortunately, Kylie’s recent story line has changed that, which is sad, but hey, that had to be expected. Mostly people are really supportive and lovely, and respect that I’m an actor playing Kylie, not actually her. I’m sure you have read/heard some negativity about you. Do you find that element of being in the spotlight difficult? Well there are always going to be haters, whether you’re in the public eye or not, so I don’t let it get to me. It’s all part of the job and I guess if it’s your career choice you need to be prepared for everyone to have an opinion. Which other actors/actresses do you like working with the most and why? The cast are all so lovely, you really learn so much working with the different actors. Amy Usherwood

(Emma) and I started at the same time so inevitably we are pretty close. Pua Magasiva (Vinnie) is such a laugh; it really doesn’t feel like work when he’s around! Have you made any besties from the show? We’re all pretty good mates really! Are you single? No. Tell us the absolute best thing about working on Shorty? Just being able to come to a place where everyone is passionate about working on the same craft, being around an awesome group of people and getting to do what I love everyday. I can’t really call that work! Now tell us the absolute worst. Be honest, we won’t tell them. Really? There’s nothing about it I don’t like… I suppose if I had to nitpick, the continuity side of things can be restricting. We need to maintain the same physical appearance and need to be careful when it comes to activities and sports that could be dangerous. What are your plans over summer? I’m a beach girl. Over summer it’s where I go to escape the every day hustle and bustle, and just chill out. So I enjoy seeking out remote spots for the ultimate peaceful escape. You studied at Massey, graduating with a business degree in management. Do you consider that a waste of time now? Not at all. No education is a waste. Before I landed the gig with Shortland Street, my degree secured me a job as an account manager at Billabong Head Office, which was a fantastic experience. I think having such a broad degree is really beneficial and will always come in handy later on in life. What is it like having Oliver Driver as a director? He’s got an awesome energy on set. He’s great to work with because he’s an actor himself and can therefore relate to what it’s like being on the other side of the camera. Do you get any free stuff working on Shortland Street? What are the perks? Yeah, there are definitely perks to the job. Wee treats in your cubbyhole are always a lovely surprise! Watch Kerry-Lee Dewing on Shortland Street, 7pm weeknights on TV2.





Recently I had a very interesting experience and I wasn’t sure if I should write about it, or at least not in its entirety. However I feel that I’m confident enough in myself to give you all of the details (never mind the fact that my identity is a secret). I was at my friend’s flat after she had texted me to urgently come over with no explanation. The friend in mention is the same friend from a few of my earlier escapades (try Game of Bones from issue 2 and Night with a Naughty Nurse from issue 5). She had yelled at me to come in after I knocked on the door and I had made myself comfortable on the couch, as I waited for her to appear. Finally she emerged from the bathroom, her hair still damp, with a towel wrapped around her body, looking and smelling amazing. I smiled at the sight of her. “So… You wanted me to come dry your hair?” I suggested. She squinted her eyes at me in disapproval and made her way to the couch. “I have a bone to pick with you,” she told me angrily. I should have picked up on her word play at this moment but instead I made things worse, still unaware of the situation’s severity. “I have a bone for you too, but I can think of a few things I’d rather you did with it than pick it,” I said, smirking. Not amused, she walked to the kitchen and then returned with a magazine in her hand. She tossed it onto the couch and looked at me accusingly. I suddenly felt very uncertain as I realised the magazine was MASSIVE and what must have happened. I looked up at her slowly, trying my best to look sheepish and apologetic. “You’re Dick Hardy and you wrote about me!” she exclaimed. “Twice!” She wasn’t a student at Massey and so I thought she might never find out about my article but I realised my cover was blown. “Uh, it was all anonymous...” I said, trying to cover. “I didn’t think you would find out.”

She walked over to me with a serious face until she was standing in front of me. Suddenly she slapped me, hard, and I felt my face smarting. Then, she put one knee either side of my lap until she was straddling me. Her towel struggled to cover her and rode high up her thighs though I didn’t dare look down. Her angry eyes pierced my own and I thought she might bite me. She leaned toward my ear and I silently said my farewells to my lobe as I wondered if she would Mike Tyson me. Instead of biting me however, she began to whisper: “I have never read something that has made me so wet before.” I just about burst out laughing in relief but my stinging cheek reminded me not to. “But you still should have told me,” she added and pinched my nipple hard for good measure. And, just like that, I was turned on and my manhood began to grow. She wiggled on top of me and her towel fell away to reveal her fresh bosom. Her toned, naked body squirmed into me as she pulled off my top. “I had to finish myself off twice in the shower before you came,” she revealed. This girl was incredible. “It’s so sexy reading about what you think of me. I’m obviously going to have to give you another story to write about,” she breathed into my ear with lust as we both began rocking into each other. She began to fumble with my pants as my hands searched her body. She had obviously shaved recently as her body was smooth all over and my fingers delighted in their silky exploration. She pulled my pants off and we slid over each other, revelling in our nudity, feeling exposed and naughty in such an open space. “Wait there,” she told me before jumping up and I watched her ass swing away down the hall. She returned quickly with a bottle of lube and I smiled as I wondered what she had in mind. She lay her towel down onto the floor and made me lie on top of it. She then squirted a generous amount of lube all over my chest and stomach and then sat down on me just above my twitching penis. Her legs gripped me tightly and she began to spread the lube all over me with her smooth mound. She bit her


“You’re Dick Hardy and you wrote about me! ” she exclaimed. “Twice! ” She wasn’t a student at Massey and so I thought she might never find out about my article but I realised my cover was blown.

lip seductively as she slid herself up and down my body. She even stretched my arms out and moved erotically down them to my hands where she was met with greedy fingers. Finally, after her slippery acrobatic display and my increasing excitement, she pivoted and backed up until her legs were either side of my head and at the other end, I felt her hands begin to massage my balls and her tongue caress my manhood. Hungrily, I lunged my tongue out toward her slit and was turned on to taste her own sweetness thickly mixed in with the strawberry lube. I began to flick my tongue expertly (at least I hope) across her clit and felt her quiver on top of me in response. I began to buck excitedly inside her sultry mouth as all of the stimulation mounted. Almost to herself I then heard her say something after pulling my man stick from her mouth. “I wonder if you’ll include this in your next article.” Her tone was mischievous and I soon found out why. My mouth still occupied, I felt a slippery hand slide down from my scrotum. My eyes widened as I realised where her searching finger was headed. Slowly at first, her finger found my back door. I stopped from my task and stiffened beneath her, unsure how to respond. Her mouth continued to engulf my cock as if to distract me and suddenly I felt her finger push inside me. I bucked upward in distress. ‘What are you doing?’ I moaned but her finger continued to massage its way deeper. I squirmed beneath her and clenched my cheeks but this only made her press in more firmly. “Just relax,” she told me. “You’ll like it.” Uncomfortable about the situation and what it might mean for my masculinity, I reassured myself by pulling her incredibly sexy womanhood back to my mouth. I busied my tongue inside her as she gently

massaged her finger back and forth inside me. I was thankful then for all of the lube she had used. Her finger seemed to know where it was going however and I soon began to feel amazing. I found myself unable to continue pleasing her as I felt something building inside of me. I clutched desperately at her juicy breasts and then simply wrapped my arms around her as I lost any control I might have had. ‘Babe!’ I moaned at her, as I began to spasm. Her oiled legs gripped my head still and her finger worked expertly inside me, in time with her tongue on my cock. Tensing my whole body now, a powerful orgasm, stimulated from some deeper place, rocked through me and I ejaculated powerfully down her throat. Her finger continued to pump me as wave after wave exploded through me. Finally I collapsed beneath her, exhausted, drained and tingling. Slowly she pulled her finger out of me and stood up to look at me. Her face was on the verge of laughter as she stared knowingly at me. “What did you do to me?” I asked her foggily. “It’s called a prostate massage,” she said. “Google it.” I was still unsure how I felt about the whole thing but I knew I had just experienced a very different kind of orgasm. “So are you going to write about this, Mr Hardy?” she teased. She walked away confidently to the bathroom to clean herself up, too sure of herself to wait for my answer. I lay back onto the towel and pondered if I should include all of the details. But I guess now that she knew, I would have to. So MASSIVE readers, those were the events in all their splendid unedited glory, make of them what you will. Until next time, stay frisky. DH




CANCUN: Paradise on the cheap T ravel – A L M A Z R A B B

Mexico is well known for its tequila, moustaches and trigger-happy drug lords. However, many people overlook the fact that it is an awesome travel destination rich in culture and history. During a visit to the United States last year, my sister and I spontaneously decided to head down to Mexico and we were lucky enough to discover Cancun - one of its safest and most beautiful cities. Cancun is a vibrant city in southeastern Mexico, located on the Caribbean Sea. With idyllic beaches and a warm tropical climate, it is a favourite holiday destination for thousands of tourists every year. One of the great things about this exciting city is that a lot of locals speak English, making it easy for Kiwis to explore. COST

A return flight from Auckland to Cancun will set you back around $2000, but may be more during the peak season. Although flights are not exactly cheap, it is still a very doable travel destination for students because, once you actually get there it is super-cheap; we managed to get by spending less than $50 most days we were there. WHERE TO STAY

With a great selection of restaurants, bars, nightclubs and beaches, many tourists choose to stay in the city’s hotel zone. Accommodation in this area starts from around $50 NZD per night for two people and, for this price, you will get a room in a nice hotel with a pool and restaurant. If you are looking for a slightly cheaper option, I would highly recommend staying in hostel accommodation. Most hostels are located about a 15-minute bus ride from the main hotel zone, in the downtown area that many locals live and shop in. A bed in a downtown hostel will generally set you back less than $15 a night and you will get free breakfast!

The best thing about hostels in Mexico is that they are usually small, making it very easy to meet people. Like the hotel zone, the downtown area boasts a great selection of bars and restaurants, as well as an openair market where you can buy amazing, fresh Mexican meals for only a few dollars. WHAT TO DO

Daylight hours in Cancun are largely based around spending time at the beach, sunbathing, playing volleyball, swimming, and jet skiing. With its pure white sand and warm, clear blue water, Cancun features some of the most beautiful beaches in the world. Another great thing to do while visiting Cancun is taking a day trip. For about $10 you can take a two-hour bus ride to the small town of Tulum to see the ancient Mayan ruins. Another must-do is getting the ferry across to Isla Mujeres where you can rent golf carts and drive recklessly around the small, beautiful island. A snorkeling tour is another great day out. The tours generally include a boat ride, lunch and a lazy afternoon on a private island, all for around $60. If you like to party, you’ll love Cancun. The city’s hotel zone has dozens of clubs, ranging from Caribbean style clubs to hip hop dance parties. A night at a hotel pool party is a must, as well as a visit to Coco Bongo: a club that puts on a very impressive dance show every night. Tickets to pool parties and Coco Bongo do tend to be on the pricy side - around $60 - but this includes an open bar, so people do tend to get their money’s worth. GETTING AROUND

Getting around Cancun is easy, with buses costing around 75 cents to almost anywhere in the city. Buses between the beach, hotel zone and downtown area run regularly almost 24 hours a day. Taxis are also available. However they tend to be quite expensive so it is worth waiting a few extra

minutes for a bus. If you are staying in the hotel zone, almost everything you will need is in easy walking distance. WHEN TO VISIT

With an average year-round temperature of 27C, Cancun is great to visit almost any time of year. We visited in April, and the weather was hot and sunny every day. The only months that might be worth avoiding would be the rainy months of September and October. If you’re looking for a real party atmosphere, it is best to go between February and March to take advantage of the massive parties that run throughout the American spring break season. TRAVELLING ON

From Cancun, it is very cheap and easy to get to other exciting destinations in Mexico and Central America. If you have a bit of time on your hands, you should get on an intercity bus and head to other cities in Mexico such as Palenque (rainforest) or Puerto Escondido (surfing). Though journeys can be long, the buses are very comfortable and cheap, generally ranging between $10$50, depending on how far you are going. Another option would be to fly to Cuba on one of the budget airlines or continue down through Central America to visit countries such as Belize, Guatemala and Panama. BE AWARE

Although Cancun is a pretty safe place, the police have a reputation for being quite corrupt. It is not uncommon for police officers to ask for money instead of arresting western tourists and, because of this, they tend to pull young tourists up on silly things such as walking barefoot, being too drunk in public, or squashing too many people into a taxi. Don’t let this put you off. Keep yourself under control and don’t do anything overly illegal and you will have an amazing time in paradise!


EAT & REAP WHAT YOU SOW F O O D C O LU M N – Local F ood N etwork

Grow Local

September, while the weather is still cool, is a good time to sow greens like lettuce, silver beet and spinach, and some root crops like carrots, beets and radish. You can still plant a few last peas at the beginning of September for a spring harvest, and they’re definitely worth it! It’s also time to start seedlings of summer plants like tomatoes and peppers for planting out in October. In October, start sowing summer beans and squashes outside directly into the ground - though they can be started inside. Eat Local

In the markets there are still lots of amazing winter brassicas and citrus, but spring delights like peas and asparagus will also start to appear. Peas are definitely worth eating raw - no cooking required! Asparagus, likewise, is delicious lightly steamed with lemon squeezed over the top. But, while we’re waiting for the best of the spring, here is a delightfully fresh and zingy coleslaw recipe to keep eating fresh while the weather warms up!

Orange and Coriander ‘Mexican inspired’ Coleslaw:

This coleslaw is excellent used in fish tacos! Ingredients

1/2 small red cabbage, trimmed, cored, and shredded (about 6 cups) 2 tsp salt, plus more to taste 1 bunch fresh baby spinach, or any other salad green cut into fine ribbons (kale could work here too) fresh orange juice from 2 medium oranges 3 tablespoon yoghurt (optional) 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin (seeds work here too)  3 tablespoons vegetable oil 1/2 bunch fresh coriander, chopped 1/2 cup roasted unsalted almonds, coarsely chopped (optional) Freshly ground black pepper Method

Put the shredded cabbage into a large bowl and add the spinach. In a medium bowl, whisk the orange juice, yoghurt and cumin together. Add the peanut oil in a thin stream, whisking constantly until the ingredients are thoroughly emulsified. Toss the salad with the dressing and add the coriander and chopped almonds. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Enjoy!




Dear Guru, This is semi-relevant to a question you answered in the last issue. I’m bi and have a sweet polygamy dealio with a wonderful fella and a wonderful lady. They both know about each other, and it’s all very low-fuss and awesome. However, uni is seriously impinging on my hang-times with these great people and I don’t know if I should tell one of them that we can’t hang out anymore or what. That would make me sad, but it’s hard to have one sex life, let alone two, when you spend all day studying. Please give me your shoddy advice. Kind regards, Polygloomy Phew. You must be a busy person. First of all, go you for being open with both partners, and in this ever-changing and open world, loving both genders is nothing to be ashamed of, so mana all the way. You have a good thing going, so what you need to learn is time management. For example, Monday through to Wednesday you have the pussy, and Thursday through to Saturday you have the dick, and on Sunday, you rest your privates. I’m also assuming that your sex life is fulfilling and exciting, so continue to do what you’re doing there. If you can’t handle your time, you have some hard decisions to make. Since you didn’t mention your gender, or what you preferred, it’s a bit hard to give you some advice on what person to choose. It comes down to the simple question of, do you want the V or the D? Both have their ups and downs. I have a willy, my girlfriend often complains that it is a nuisance because it pokes her in the back when spooning, it smells funny sometimes, it stares at her, it spews white sticky substances out when pleased accordingly, and it looks funny, even though I have a beautiful penis (I call him Walter, ‘cause he is classy). In saying that, penises also have their ups, where it provides penetration, it’s something you can hold on to, and it provides a sticky substance that holds little babies. Vaginas are the same, they have their pros and cons. Pros being that they are little ovens that are constantly warm and happy, they sometimes taste good, they sometimes look pretty, and they don’t poke you in the back when spooning. However, the cons are that they are sometimes smelly,

they are caves into the abyss, they, instead of staring at you, talk to you, and things can be concealed in the fanny, like knives and stuff, and it’s never fun having your finger (if you’re a girl) or willy (if you’re a boy) cut. So there are the pros and cons of the V and D. If they are both equally cool and personable, then you have to choose the private part that you most prefer. Or learn to manage that time and keep this polygamist escapade going. And as always, protection is the best thing ever. No one wants a puss-y pussy, or a dirty dick. Guru, My boyfriend wants me to swallow his jizz. Do I or don’t I? From Cum Muncher This is something you must decide yourself. Jizz swallowing is something that you have to be keen to do. Some people don’t like the smell, some don’t like the taste, and some just don’t like it at all. What you need to do is find out what type of person you are, a swallower or a spitter, or someone who doesn’t want it in their mouth at all. Just make sure you do what you want to do, and don’t feel pressured into swallowing his little non-existent babies. Apparently jizz is good for your skin so, if swallowing doesn’t float your boat, but you want to be naughty for your boy, let him jizz on your face, then use it as a face mask. Win/win. He feels like a porn star, and you have nice healthy and glowing skin. Remember that you are the boss in this situation, so if he is forcing you to swallow and you don’t want to, bite his willy off. Dear Guru, I hate the taste of vaginas and ,when I’m down there, I don’t know what to do, but my girlfriend inrsists on me going downtown, which is fair enough because she goes down on me. How do I get over this, or is there a way to make it taste yum? What moves can you suggest to make her go to heaven? Sincerely, Even-Snot-Tastes-Better You’re right: it’s fair enough going down on her because if she is putting your doodle in her noodle sucker, then she deserves her bean being licked. First things first: clean your mouth. A quick brush of the teeth, gentle salt water rinse and spit, and your mouth

will be PH friendly to her fanny. Next thing, make sure she has cleaned it recently. You have probably had stinky balls if they’ve been packaged up all day. It’s the same with a vagina, and so it does need to be cleaned. Once it’s nice and clean, it should be relatively smell free. If it’s the juices that are making you gag, get her to drink pineapple juice, it makes fanny juice taste nice, apparently. When you’ve got your head between her legs and about to bury your face in her flower, being gentle is key. Work your tongue around her labia, gently gliding over her clitoris, or bean. Do this until she is nice and slippery in her vagina, and then go to work on the bean. This doesn’t mean biting it off and attacking like a savage. Draw circles around it with your tongue. Its super sensitive, too much can sometimes be too much for her, and then it’s not fun. Once you have her twerking on the bed, you know you are doing something good. Let her guide you, listen to her moans, or watch the way her body rises and falls - these are all telltale signs of her loving it. If you want to explore the abyss, put your finger in two inches deep into the vagina, and do the come here signal with your finger, so that you are rubbing upwards. You should feel some roughness there, and that is what is known as the g-spot. Rub that and feel it swell. She’ll be cumming round the mountain before you know it, and hopefully she squirts. Hey Guru, Opinions on licking bums? From Uranus If you want to spice up your life, lick a bum - a very clean bum. Guru! How do I get a new awesome and fantastic smartphone? I don’t have a job. But I need it right now for Snapchat! Go apply for the benefit. I hear that they are endorsing sexting. Add me on Snapchat: XxXhOrNyBiGbOyXxX This is the second-to-last Ask a Guru for the year, and after this I will be retiring. Get your questions in for the last issue. It’ll be the best Ask a Guru yet! www.



The oldest international film festival is the world kicked off last week with Venice hosting the 70th event in the beautiful surroundings of the island of Lido in the famous Italian city. As usual there is a lot on offer for film fans to be excited about, with new films from Xavier Dolan – Tom in a Field, James Franco – Child of God, Terry Gilliam – The Zero Theorem, Hayao Miyazaki – Kaze Tachinu, and David Gordon Green – Joe, battling for the Golden Lion. Gordon Green’s Joe looks to be the favourite, with Nicholas Cage and Tye Sheridan (Mud) garnering rave reviews so far. While Japanese anime master Miyazaki’s Kaze Tachinu, his last film stands as the sentimental favourite for the top prize. Out of competition, Paul Schrader’s The Canyons, which stars Lindsay Lohan as a modern day femme fatale, and Greg McLean’s Wolf Creek 2, provide appeal for those interested in cult film. Head over to the website to follow any news and of course check out the glamour of the red carpet fashion.

More details about the sequel to The Avengers are starting to emerge, with new characters Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch set to appear, with their own origin stories providing sub-plots. James Spader has signed on to play bad guy Ultron, whose attempts at taking over the world using robots causes SHIELD to reunite in our defence. Perhaps the most encouraging thing about this sequel is that Joss Whedon has stayed onboard as writer/director, making it hard not to have high hopes about how good the film might be. Also of note is the related TV series, Agents of SHIELD, which debuts this spring. Love it or loathe it, Diana seems to be gaining a lot of momentum ahead of its release later this month. Naomi Watts stars as the doomed princess, while Naveen Andrews (Lost) co-stars as her lover Dr. Hasnat Khan. The inclusion of Oliver Hircshbiegel (Downfall, Five Minute of Heaven) is encouraging at least, with the talented German filmmaker promising a no-nonsense

approach to the story of Diana’s last two years alive. Watts also has the calibre to take on the role, and also looks the part. Documentary Gardening With Soul, an audience favourite at the New Zealand Film Festival, follows a year in life of 90 year-old Sister Loyola Galvin. Hardly the most cinematic of subjects you may be thinking, but Jess Feast’s film is a revelation, and Sister Loyola’s stories both warm the heart and remind us of what it really means to be alive. To say she’s an inspiration is an understatement, and this might just be the best film made in New Zealand this year. Keep an eye out for at your local cinema, it has just gained a deal for nationwide release.

my computer, typed in my Steam activation code, and waited impatiently as Steam decided to crash, restart the process, and then pop a message up on my screen. “Saints Row IV is unable to be installed at this time as it has not been released. Please try again later.” I was holding the case in my hand, I had woken up early on my day off, and Steam had the nerve to tell me the game was not even out when a quick search of The Pirate Bay showed dozens of copies all in a playable state. This is one of the reasons why everyone was flipping tables about the Xbox One. DRM such as this puts the people who legitimately purchased gaming products at a disadvantage while software pirates are off plundering booty, drinking rum and having a whale of a time. Yet now that Microsoft was rolled back on almost all of their policies I feel a bit strange trusting them at all. Yes, in the end this rollback of DRM will be a good thing for the consumer. There are many gaming experiences that I would not have enjoyed had my friends not shoved a case into my palms and said “Dude,

you need to play this. It’s about a witch and she kills angels and it’s the most insane thing I’ve ever played.” But with all the backtracking Microsoft has been doing, I can’t help but feel a lack of confidence in the quality of their product. Coming out of E3, Microsoft seemed incredibly confident even though the words coming out of the President of the Xbox Division’s mouth were a straight up attack on consumers. Now they seem to be backing themselves into the corner while giving up on everything they stood for. What confidence can I hold in the Xbox One when they are changing the very way the system operates so close to launch? To me this screams that Microsoft has no confidence in their product, and it hasn’t even launched yet. They’re throwing luggage off their hot air balloon when it is still on the ground.

Knucklexbones G A M I N G C O LU M N – C A L LU M O ’ N E I L L

It has been a few months since Microsoft unveiled, and subsequently dropped, the anti-consumer DRM policies that were being rolled out with the Xbox One. As someone who spends a large majority of my gaming time on PC I can’t help but feel a little amused by the hordes of people flipping their metaphoric tables in Youtube comments and on Reddit about the issue. But they are totally justified in their rage. I have spent years putting up with arbitrary restrictions on how I’m allowed to play games that I’ve paid money for, which makes the relative freedom of console gaming seem quite attractive by comparison. If Microsoft were to ruin the simple world of console gaming what would be left? Knucklebones? Solitaire? Just last month I woke up at the unfashionably early time of 9:03am to ensure I wouldn’t miss the courier bringing me my copy of Saints Row IV. He took a further four hours to arrive and by this time I was perhaps a little too eager to get my super-powered gangsta president on. Upon the game’s arrival, I slammed the disc into




With his third film, director Jeff Nichols (Shotgun Stories, Take Shelter) takes the traditional coming-ofage drama into far more interesting territory than it has been for some time in American cinema. Set in a sleepy Arkansas town besides the Mississippi River, Mud traces two 14-year old boys who undertake an adventure after meeting and agreeing to help a man they find living in a stranded boat they intended to claim for themselves. That man, Mud (Matthew McConaughey) is wanted for what he calls justified homicide. The two boys, Ellis (Tye Sheridan) and Neckbone ( Jacob Lofland), form a bond with Mud, agreeing to bring him food and eventually contact his girlfriend Juniper (Reese Witherspoon). Soon the boys are involved in more than they bargained for, and while Ellis remains committed to Mud’s quest, Neckbone begins to doubt his intentions. Making things even more complex are problems at home for Ellis, and the bounty hunters on Mud’s trail, culminating in a finale in which these worlds inevitably collide. Drawing on icons such as Mark Twain and Sam Peckinpah, director Nichols constructs a masterful recreation of small town America. The first act traces the boys discovery of the boat on what they think is a deserted river island, and Nichol’s embeds us in this world with ease, his camera capturing the sense of adventure that drives the boys on. McConaughey

continues his transformation from Hollywood heartthrob to A-list actor, providing a characterisation that is at once charismatic, yet constantly hides danger just below the surface. This is most apparent as the plot develops over the second and third act, and the outside influences begin to give the film momentum. Here Nichols lets the lives of his characters overlap, creating a complex web of emotions, adding depth to the story while never losing focus of sense of adventure that drives the boys on. The cast are generally excellent, with youngster Sheridan (The Tree of Life) standing out, and the ever likable Sam Shepard showing up as Tom. Overall there is sense of quality than isn’t just surface deep in Mud, and the film seems like a labour of love for Nichols, confirming him as one of America’s most accomplished directors, as he moves towards more mainstream work. In many ways Mud can be seen as a modern take on The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, with Ellis and Neckbone taking the roles of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn, yet there is also an awareness of context that raises the film above mere mimicry, with themes of love and adventure matched to fears of financial meltdown and small time corruption. This is American drama at its very best, and a story that stays with you long after the final credits.

UPSTREAM MUD (2012) COLOUR (2013) 4/5 5/5 Shane Jeff Nichols Caruth Matthew Amy Seimetz, McConaughey, Shane Carruth, Tye Sheridan, Michael Shannon, Reese Witherspoon, Sam Shepard Director Starring


Now You See Me is a film that could come to be known as a game-changer. That’s because, for some reason, the film as magician has yet to become a fad of its own. This is a time where the Hollywood fads of vampirism and zombification are growing dreary; the consumer demands some fresh scenery. The film begins with a quick introduction on J. Daniell Atlas (Eisenberg), Merritt McKinney (Harrelson), Henley Reeves (Fisher), and Jack Wilder (Franco); four magicians who are brought together by an unknown ‘fifth horseman’ for one reason… Actually, the film does a great job of hiding that reason until its end. In the meantime, they join magical forces to bring justice against those who deserve it using a mixture of Ocean’s 11 savvy, Batman vigilantism, and a magical twist. It should be no surprise that a film about magic is all about plot-twists and surprises, but the film explains this at its beginning: misdirection is the name of the game. It really doesn’t matter how much you focus and try to figure out the end game; the entire film is a buildup to an ingenious finale.

Anyone who has seen The Prestige will know that every trick has three components: the pledge, the turn, and the prestige. The brilliance of this film is that it is just one elaborate trick, and we’re simply viewers of the turn. It’s difficult to say anything about this film without giving away the ending. Suffice it to say, any time you think you know what’s happening, any time you think you’ve figured it out, any time you think you’re one step ahead, you’re really two steps behind. Beyond the brilliance of the story, the settings and camera-work are amazing. Like magic, every shot has a clear purpose and everything we see has a reason. The soundtrack also keeps the audience completely engaged, no trashy pop or R&B taking away from the film’s plot. It’s hard to believe this film was directed by the guy who directed the atrocity that was Clash of the Titans, but this is a great redemption for him. It’s deep enough for movie critics, glam enough for Hollywood, and who doesn’t love a good magic trick?

UPSTREAM NOW YOU SEE COLOUR ME (2013) (2013) 4/5 Shane Leterrier Louis Caruth Jesse Eisenberg, Amy Seimetz, Shane Woody Carruth, Harrelson, Isla Fisher, Dave Franco, Mark Ruffalo, Melanie Laurent, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine Director Starring



Saints Row: The Third was a game that changed my perspective on humour in gaming. Its balls out, selfaware insanity was something I had been craving more of since its 2011 release. Saints Row IV provides exactly the brand of crazy that I was after, but despite some empowering changes to the way the game plays – you get superpowers, it is still very much the same Saints Row from 2011. Five years after the events of The Third, the leader of the Third Street Saints is now the president of the United States. All is going swimmingly enough, for a gang leader turned president, when aliens invade and plonk you and your fellow gang members inside a simulation while they take over the world. This simulation is a virtual representation of Steelport, the incredibly uninspired city from the previous game. Driving around the same old hoods is at first disappointing, but that disappointment soon fades as your character discovers they can control the simulation. They give themselves superpowers (who wouldn’t?) After that, the game plays much more like an insane take on Crackdown or Prototype which is refreshingly enjoyable until you have to do any combat. Many of the game’s missions seem to be built without superpowers taken into account. Some strip them away completely leaving you to deal with the game’s sub-par

shooting mechanics. The missions that don’t feel so easy you wonder why you even bother killing anyone, because they certainly can’t kill you. Throwing a fireball into a group of bad dudes and watching them flail around before exploding is satisfying a few times, but it gets old pretty quickly. I ended up running past a lot of the enemies just to get to the next story-beat because that’s where Saints Row IV’s true brilliance lies. Saying nearly anything about the story beyond what I have already mentioned would ruin what makes Saints Row IV special. But I will say it has some of the cleverest referential humour I have ever seen in a game and some perfectly timed uses of licensed music. The game doesn’t get quite as insanely clever as The Third and the latter half feels particularly uninspired. But it’s still a fantastic experience for anyone seeking more of what the previous game delivered. Saints Row IV is a game that isn’t for everyone. Its brand of humour is just as likely to offend as it is to entertain and anyone not already familiar with the series will find the story difficult to parse. But it does provide more of its trademark charm that cannot be found anywhere else and for that I think it’s definitely something worthy of your time.

SAINTS UPSTREAM ROW IV COLOUR (2013) (2013) 4/5 4/5 PLATFORMS Director Starring

PC, Shane PS3, Caruth Xbox 360 Amy Seimetz, Shane Carruth,


Set in the far flung future of robot cops and weaponised space suits, Elysium tells the story of a world divided. The filthy masses live in destitution on Earth, barely able to get by, whilst the elite live in comfort on a space station circling in the Earth’s atmosphere. Matt Damon, desperate to fulfil a childhood promise, makes a daring journey to the luxurious haven of Elysium to rescue himself and the people he loves. Through the course of a solitary day in Matt Damon’s life, we can see the grinding horror of everyday life in this dystopian robo-future. Matt Damon wakes up in a metal heap that doubles as a residence, dashing off to work at his (literally) dehumanising job at a robot building factory. On his way, he sasses a couple of robot cops, who beat him senseless. He finally makes it to work, only to be told that he’s not trying hard enough. There is no ambiguity here; Matt Damon has a shitty life because the future sucks. You don’t need a PhD in the field of Space Politics to figure out the parallels being drawn here. Like District 9 before it, Elysium employs the Sci-fi genre as an allegory for class inequality.

It’s a nice premise that opens itself up to a lot of potential. But Elysium uses this theme as set dressing, and does little to explore this idea in a meaningful way. For the remainder of the film, people shoot at things, things blow up other things, and Matt Damon runs both towards and away from things - it contains a lot of high-stakes action, which is filmed in a jarringly effective way, but it all begins to blur together into a vague sci-fi mush of metal, monologues and screaming. Elysium is half sci-fi parable, half gritty shoot-em’-up, and its failure to devote itself to either one dilutes its overall impact. A complete dearth of human warmth would be fine if it didn’t try to build a narrative of selflessness and sacrifice, but it does; building the film around a blandly conventional political statement would be fine too if the movie was just Matt Damon kicking the shit out of robots, but it’s not that either. It lacks a decisive vision, and tries to bring in all these disparate elements without committing to any of them. Elysium is an okay Sci-Fi/Action mashup, when it could have been a great Sci-Fi or Action film.

UPSTREAM ELYSIUM (2013) COLOUR (2013) 4/5 2/5 Director Starring

ShaneBlomkamp Neil Caruth Matt Seimetz, Amy Damon, Jodie ShaneFoster Carruth,












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ACROSS 1. Stone fruit 6. Epics 10. Snow shelter 14. Motorless planes 18. Jeopardy 19. Size up 20. Relief brooch 21. Splurge (4,3) 22. Less frequent 23. Open sore 24. Despoiled 25. See-through 26. Whiskies & ... 27. Oriental 28. Cavalry sword 30. Perceive 32. Innate 35. Miss Universe show 39. Infuriate 42. Small pointy beard 46. Unties 48. Supervise 49. Emerged 50. Fine wool sheep 51. Young men 53. 2008 Clint Eastwood drama, ... Torino 55. Leak slowly 57. Little crowns 58. Drag laboriously 60. Group confidence 61. Title document 63. Warble 64. Suspicious 65. Reproductive organ 66. Succumbs 70. Greek sea 73. Furnish with supplies 74. Gate fastening 75. Insinuating (remark) 76. Prowl after 77. Nought 78. Dangerous explosive (1,1,1) 79. Agnetha, Benny, Bjorn and Anni-Frid 80. Henry’s Crime star, ... Reeves 81. Mideast nation 83. Slater 85. Secret store 86. Knives’ cutting edges 88. School compositions 91. Not these but ... 93. Recognised 95. Undivided 97. Intuitive grasp of, ... for 98. Saudi language 99. Juniper drink 100. Childish laugh 101. Loch ... Monster 103. Actor, ... Baldwin 107. Prescribed amount 109. Morbid onlookers 110. Enticed 111. Source 112. Retaliate for 114. Autumn or spring 116. Heaps (of ) 118. Medicated



127 134


135 139

142 145

146 © Lovatts Puzzles

121. Phone pioneer, Alexander ... Bell 123. Pixie-like 127. Tibetan priests 129. Flavoured topping 131. Actress, ... Jessica Parker 133. Waned 136. Examined (accounts) 137. Beauty, ... of Troy 138. Actress, Bridget ... 139. Lagos is there 140. Restaurant lists 141. Parent’s sisters 142. Annoyed 143. Brush up old skills 144. Encounters 145. Dispatches 146. Stowing space DOWN 2. Public square 3. Gain from benefactor 4. Musical work 5. Hitch 6. Father 7. Burglary warning 8. Matures 9. Malay garment 10. Large lizard 11. Congeals 12. Vast body of water 13. Rowing aids

14. US president, ... Ford 15. Permit use of 16. Negotiation stalemate (4,3) 17. Swamp grasses 28. Tourist spots 29. Foe 30. Spanish Mr 31. Occurred next 33. Inhuman 34. Come forth 36. Unfortunately 37. Mass departure 38. Requirement 40. Flight cost (3,4) 41. Underground cell 43. Yellowish-brown shade 44. Roofed deck on house 45. Enforced 47. Proprietor 52. Voting survey (7,4) 54. Modifications 56. Protocol 58. Storm flash 59. Deserted village (5,4) 62. Optic hairs 67. Standard of perfection 68. Composer, Andrew ... Webber 69. Derives (from) 70. Walkway between pews 71. Transmission cogs 72. London’s Westminster ...

82. Spookiest 84. Arctic natives 86. Stranded (whale) 87. Usually (2,1,4) 89. Crosser 90. From Stockholm 92. Move with effort 94. Offshore drilling platform (3,3) 96. Welsh vegetables 97. Rousing ending 102. Smelly black & white animals 104. Encourage (3,2) 105. Smudge 106. Run in neutral 108. People I Know actor, Ryan ... (1’4) 113. More raucous 115. Hobbyist 117. Dull & overcast (sky) 119. Saturn & Neptune’s neighbour 120. Skin transplants 122. Representatives 124. Scalp parasite 125. Flying fowls 126. Reconstructed 128. Imitating 129. Match before final 130. Buddy 131. Chair 132. Irrigation tube 134. Metal rods 135. Slimming plan


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Massive Magazine Volume 02 Issue 07  
Massive Magazine Volume 02 Issue 07