The Brick Vol. 1: Warning! Falling Bricks #

UMASS AMHERST’S FIRST HUMOR MAGAZINE

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L VO

TABLE OF CONTENTS or whatever 4

Letter from the editor

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University Health Services vasectomy review

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M&M’s press release

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Just a normal security check-in after a “late night walk”

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A man named Sam

9

Film class today sucked.

10 "Stay safe out there!"

10 Squirrel watching goes both ways 11 Opinion: Are cigarettes healthy?

12 News: UMass fixes monkey problem by switching to freshmen 13 AD: Rock Hard’s™ Brick Layer 13 AD: Help wanted for a job 14 BREAKING: Rock Hard’s™ Brick Layer revealed to just be Adderall 15 News: University expands portion of Berlin Wall to separate honors students from the have-nots 16 Jar of Jif 17 YikYak pregnancy 18 Female indie singer dog lyrics matrix 19 The Squib throwback piece 20 A capella mugging 21 UMass hockey anime battle

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Letter from the editor Hey, you. You’re finally awake.

I can’t believe you just got hit on the head by a falling brick when I specifically told you to watch out for them. Literally on the front cover.

Woah! Don’t stand up too fast– are you sure you’re feeling alright?

How many fingers am I holding up?

You can’t tell? Hm. I’ve actually been struggling with that for the past few hours, and I was really hoping you’d be able to help me figure it out. Anyway, while you’re waiting here all incapacitated and whatnot, maybe now is a good time for me to tell you about the very first volume of The Brick.

What’s The Brick, you ask? It’s UMass Amherst’s very first humor magazine. Well, technically, we had a humor mag called The Squib back in the 1920s when the university was still called “Mass Aggie.”

Apparently, nothing funny has ever happened since then, because we haven’t had a humor magazine for the past few decades. Until now, of course.

Where does the name “The Brick” come from? We have plenty of bricks lying around campus and not a single “squib” or whatever the hell that is, so that’s that. Huh, you sure have a lot of questions for someone who just got hit with a 4-and-a-half-pound concrete projectile.

And don’t think I can’t tell that you’re slipping in and out of consciousness while I’m trying to talk to you. Kinda rude.

Anyway, I’ll wrap it up.

I want to thank the Massachusetts Daily Collegian writers, editors and finance managers who made this project possible. I want to thank my family for raising me to be sort of funny. I want to thank UMass for being such a ridiculous university and for constantly giving us comedic material to work with.

At least two or three hours of hard work went into making this magazine, so I hope you enjoy reading it, y’know, whenever you’re able to see straight again.

Stay vigilant. And watch out for falling bricks. But hold onto this one.

You might have a good time.

-KVM ‘24

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University Health Services vasectomy review

By KVM

I went to University Health Services for my regularly scheduled vasectomy and it was the worst vasectomy I’ve ever had.

First, they made me strip down naked, which was disappointing considering I was wearing my finest Italian three-piece suit and had really wanted to make a good impression on everyone. Then, the nurse brought me to the operating room where she took my blood pressure and heart rate, and she used big medical words like “abnormal.” I thought this whole thing was kind of hot, so I tried to drop hints that once I got this vasectomy out of the way I would be sooooo available for her (physically and emotionally).

After the hot nurse left, another nurse (less hot) came in with a bunch of scalpels and kept saying “sterilize” this and “sterilize” that, like why don’t you stare your eyez at deez nuts!!!

I kept making deez nuts jokes to her because it was topical and really funny. Then the doctor came in and told me I would be sedated if I didn’t stop making deez nuts jokes.

Anyway, I told him “sedate on deez nuts!!” which I also thought was really funny, and then everything went black for a while.

When I finally woke up three days later, I asked the doctor if I could pick out a lollipop from the prize bin. He said they “didn’t give out lollipops here” which is a lie because they obviously had a whole bunch of them in that orange plastic jar next to the toilet. I pocketed one on the way out, but it must’ve been vegan because it tasted like shit.

On top of all this, I have a deep surgical scar on my left torso that definitely wasn’t there before.

Also, the procedure didn’t work and now I have six kids.

I was going to rate UHS’s vasectomy a one out of 10, but I’ll rate it a three out of 10 because my kids seem pretty chill and I could definitely grab a beer with them sometime.

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M&M’s press release

By XSF

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Just a normal security check-in after a “late night walk” 7

By HAF

A man named Sam

By BCB

Yesterday, I was minding my own business while walking home from class when a tall, fine-lookin’ man approached me.

When he first appeared, I was shocked. In awe even. I thought to myself, “Wow! Such an attractive, well-known man wants to talk to me. How did I get so lucky?”

He asked me my name and my age, so I told him my name and that I was 18.

Luckily, he seemed to be more into me after finding out that I am an 18-year-old freshman. He said his name was Sam, but he wouldn’t tell me his exact age. Every time I asked for his real age, he just kept saying he was “frozen in time.” I assume that means he’s a super senior, or he’s getting preventative Botox. Either way, I love older men, but I also love men who can afford to pay for Botox.

Anyways, he kept walking alongside me as I was heading back to my dorm. However, our nice, civil conversation quickly turned into him bragging about his body count.

I found it weird that a man would so freely say his body count is in the hundreds. What really freaked me out, though, was the fact that he talked about “needing to see the white in his enemy’s eyes before he shot his rifle.”

I tried to get the conversation away from his sexual exploits, so I asked him, “What is your most prized possession?” Unfortunately, I was disappointed to find out that he is like every other college boy: one who values his canon and balls over everything else.

My curiosity outweighed my concern, so naturally, I invited him up to my dorm. Now I understand why they call him a minuteman.

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Film class today sucked.

By XSF

First off I walk in wearing my limited edition Trolls 3 The Trolls Band Together male romper and no one says anything. Except for this kid Craig in the back of the class whose leprosy clearly is acting up. He holds up the nub that was his hand and gestures to me. He asks me to call an ambulance for him because he has no fingers. I roll my eyes. Rude. I planned this fit a week ago girl so at least compliment it.

Our teacher barges into the room. He announces his wife finally got him to sign the divorce papers and today in class we are going to be watching an experimental film he made using footage of his birth. Yawn. Craigs arm falls off in disappointment. Craig was hoping we would watch the movie Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. I laugh. He ensures me that the film is real. My smile fades. When did that come out I ask? He responds with his last words.

“2012.”

It can not be. I frantically pull out my Toshiba Handibook to search on my favorite browser Duck Duck Go if it is true. I close out the porn tab I forgot to close earlier. I begin searching. In the year 2012 there were two Abe Lincoln movies released. One called Abe Lincoln: Vampire Hunter about Abe Lincoln seeking revenge on vampires for killing his mother. The other was nominated for 12 academy awards including best picture. It was called Lincoln. Two movies in the same year about Abe Lincoln.

I drop my Toshiba Handibook to the floor but it doesn’t break because I have this really awesome NERF foam case for it.

It is like the ones they used to sell for the DS. Here’s the link to buy it: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1226321300/3ds-maximumprotection-nerf-case-in. I scream horrifically. My professor politely asks me to sit down. I sprint out of the classroom. So embarrassing.

I know this is quite the untraditional cover letter but I thought it would differentiate me from other applicants. Anyways just text me if I am gonna get the job. I think being a cashier at CVS could be a really special experience for me. I did not include my last name as you do not meet a lot of people with my name.

Sincerely, Emily 9

"Stay safe out there!"

By KVM

Squirrel watching goes both ways

By KVM

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Opinion: Are cigarettes healthy?

By JKPD

Yessssssssssss, plus they look cool as fuck.

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News: UMass fixes monkey problem by switching to freshmen

By MJP

To combat backlash against a long history of using animals in science experiments, the University of Massachusetts’ top researchers in a unanimous vote have made the decision to change its subjects from captive marmosets to college freshmen.

In recent years, UMass has faced several legal challenges surrounding their use of animals in experiments. In 2022, PETA, a company notorious for its strained history with the school, filed a lawsuit against research officials, citing an inability to release lab footage as evidence toward potential animal abuse.

Officials succumbed to PETA’s demands after the lawsuit went public, and decided to release its old subjects back into their natural habitats. “We recognize the inhumane nature of performing experiments on helpless marmosets, and feel nothing but immense remorse for our actions,” a representative of UMass’ science department said in a press release. “By releasing the monkeys back into the wild and switching to human subjects, we believe that we’ll not only be getting PETA and Daisy Ridley off our asses, but we’ll also be able to perform much harsher tests that could yield stronger results. With this transition, we’ll actually be helping society!”

The change in research strategies has been met with widespread acclaim, and is seen as a major victory for animal rights activists.

In a recently deleted video, PETA acknowledged their success with humility and grace. “And now, after years of torment and sleepless nights, our organization reigns supreme,” an official said, dawning a Ronald Reagan mask and sitting on a diamond-encrusted throne. “By the time we’re through with every public university in the nation, all animals will be free, and helpless freshmen will be no more. Mwahha-ha.”

Chancellor Reyes advised all freshmen to stay in their dorms for the foreseeable future.

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AD: Rock Hard’s™ Brick Layer

By JKPD

AD: Help wanted for a job

By KVM

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BREAKING: Rock Hard’s™ Brick Layer revealed to just be Adderall

By JKPD

An independent study done by the Center of Communal Kids for Science (COCKS) found that the recently released Brick Layer, a medication for people who have trouble getting “bricked up” as the product said, was found to be just Adderall. Not in similar qualities, it is literally just Adderall.

“Imagine my disappointment when I popped a brick before some sexy times,” disappointed student and chronically flaccid Richard “Dick” Soft said. “Instead of tearing up that thang, I started looking at the tapestry on her wall and read an entire Wikipedia article on the life of Harrison Ford.”

Other students have encountered this same problem, with one student reporting “unbelievable softness” while trying to crank one out when his roommate was at Worcester Dining Commons latenight.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, grades at the University have gotten better by a record 300 percent, with the average GPA of a student now sitting at 3.87. Who could have known that this many students suffered from erectile dysfunction?

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News: University expands portion of Berlin Wall to separate honors students from the have-nots

By MJP

University of Massachusetts officials recently made the decision to expand their historic piece of the Berlin Wall located near the Old Chapel with the goal of separating the Commonwealth Honors College dorms from the “icky, dicky and schmicky have-nots” of the other residential halls.

The expansion of the Berlin Wall was a unanimous decision from the University’s top officials. “We believe that by separating the geniuses of campus from the less-cerebral fools, we’ll be able to motivate the have-nots into studying harder, which could hopefully push them toward applying to the prestigious Commonwealth residency,” an admissions official stated.

“Those who are not admitted into the Honors College will not be able to cross the wall and will stay on their side no matter what. Even if there’s a fire. Sucks to suck!”

The news shocked members of the have-not community, who allegedly plan on revolting against the head offices of UMass. “I feel a great amount of disdain for both those on the other side of the wall and those who made the ultimate decision to implement such a harsh, dehumanizing rule,” a student from the have-not side explains. “Quite frankly, I feel shocked and disgusted by the inhumane actions of our representatives and feel it would be nothing short of revolutionary for us to band together as one and resist the corrupt powers at be. They can take down an individual, but an army of minutemen shall withstand only the harshest of waters!”

“I like the wall because it looks pretty,” a member of the honors college explains. “They’re giving us more free things too, which is extra nice.”

University officials also hinted at replacing the Commonwealth streets with gold and using the leftover debris as potential food sources for the havenots. They have yet to confirm these rumors.

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Jar of Jif

By DN

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YikYak pregnancy

By BCB

!!! ADVICE NEEDED !!!

I just found out that I am pregnant.

The one and only time I ever had sex was with a guy I met off of YikYak during the first week of school.

I was up yiking my yak, and now i’m yaking his yik.

He was a freshman. I am a junior. I don’t even know his name. This is a new low.

I am six weeks along and have no idea what to do. Do I put it up for adoption? I just did six shots. I have so many questions.

I’m thinking about how I could become an influencer. I mean, I tell people I want to be a marketing manager, but I don’t actually want to have a job. If I have this baby, I can exploit it for engagement and then get baby brand deals.

I know, I know, I know, I shouldn’t exploit a baby. You can judge me all you want, but if I get enough followers, then maybe I can get onto Raya and find a rich man to marry. That’s the goal, after all.

Think of all the cute TikToks I could make with my YikYak baby. My sorority could dress it up and make it our little mascot.

I should probably stop referring to my unborn child as “it,” but based on the six shots I took, the baby may come out looking like Pennywise.

Fuck, if I have an ugly kid, that will be the end of me. I wish I remembered what the father looked like so I could have a gauge of my child’s future attractiveness. Not in a weird way, though. I’m not a creep. I just want to be able to tell if I need to push my child to have a personality or if my baby will be able to get by on just its looks.

Oh, and quickly, does anyone know if Woo has baby food? Or do I have to go to Frank for that?

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The Squib throwback piece

by Henry Ross Wiggs (1895-1986) from the “Shiftings Number” 1922-23

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A capella mugging

By KVM

(A student wanders a dark hallway in Herter Hall) Student: Hello? Is anyone else here for the Renaissance-era Anthropological Poetry club meeting?

(Silence. Then, an F-sharp note plays from a distant pitch pipe) Student: Wh–who’s there??

(An a capella group emerges from the darkness, snapping their fingers in synchronization) A capella Leader: You’re in the wrong territory, buddy. You should know better than to wander around these halls at 7 p.m. on a Wednesday. (He does a jazz square) Show him, fellas.

(They all sing the Little Mix greatest hits medley arranged for six vocal parts) Students: No! Please!

A capella Leader: Take his wallet. (They beat him up in harmony) Yeah, go run and tell the Comedy League what you just saw.

(They all laugh but in a purely beatboxing sort of way)

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UMass hockey anime battle 21

By KVM