couch surfing: my notes app
who can i crash with? steph ceci lucy? katie? walker?
how can i show up for myself today? stretch eat a good dinner shower and skincare watch something happy
how do i give the tired parts of myself rest?
egg in my body, feelings in my legs
there are so many things i want to do and so many things i’m trying to feel but it’s like there’s a stupid fucking egg made out of plexiglass that’s trapping all that shit inside my body and i know i know how to get out i’ve done it before but maybe i misplaced the instructions so then all those feelings i’m trying to feel float untethered down to my legs and i don’t know if you’ve ever experienced this but it’s a fucking weird feeling to feel your feelings in your legs and it’s also kind of scary so it just makes me want to stab them a bit (my legs) so i can carve the feelings out and focus on finding the fucking instructions for this damn egg stupid fucker
Mybody ican’tbestillwithmyself becausethenallthefeelings comeinandmakemewantto hurtmyselfbuteventhoseare justsurfacefeelingscovering thedeeperfeelingsthati’m reallyafraidof andifieverwanttobreakpast thisthat’swhatcomesnext.in everypartofmylife,thepain pointstomybodyforasolution
saturday, may 14 really? it’s not been good. no stability has left me feeling so tense and untethered. i got to share those feelings today tho snd that helped. and this evening after the movie was do relaxing. what a glimpse into what my summer can be. i watched grey’s and took a shower. did my skincare and bed prep on stephanie’s bed. watched adventure time in nice lighting and stretched some. feels good. still tough but this was nice. last night it was very hard not to self harm, so instead i just stayed up for hours and hours until my body was too worn to fight sleep. but tonight was better. communication a little more open.
there was a brief time in 2022 where i was couch surfing in nashville. it was one of the worst periods of my life. i had a secure job, car, and a place to stay every night, but no home of my own. it was a tiny and very privileged experience of being unhoused, and it was emotionally and physically exhausting. unbeknownst to me at the time, i was also dealing with a minor health condition that was ruining my quality of life. i don’t remember much of that time because of this, and i also accidentally deleted many of my pictures. this time is largely a mystery to me, beyond what is burned into my brain and what i could find in my notes app; this is what you see here.