Light at the End of the Tunnel

Light At The End of The Tunnel

By Mary Cowdin

Light atThe End of theTunnel

By : Mary Cowdin

Doctor Visit aka Wake UpCall...................Page

Memory Gaps

Missing pieces, forgetting things, late to appointments

I can’t remember the most basic things now

My brain is a puzzle with half of the pieces gone

I forgot How can you forget?! I just…did I forgot

Why can’t I remember anything?

Doctor Visit aka Wake up Call

Doctor says that I’m sick and getting sicker

Prediatbetic

I need to lose weight, eat healthy to save myself

Yet insecure people would rather I got sicker and later end up dead Because they see others bettering themselves as a threat But whatever

I won’t let anyone, not even enablers or hater or doubters or naysayers, hold me back

What holds me back is addiction

An addiction to food, to sugar, to what will kill me if I don’t stop

I have to find a way out to save my own life

Addiction (Revised)

The rush helps you escape the crippling pain

Food is the first. You fear alcohol is next.

Anything to distract from the gaping wound

And you don’t want to go back to the pain and the helplessness

It runs in your veins like a venom. Yet you fear what could happen once you get healthy

One addiction for another. Like the passing of a plague

People that you care about fell prey to the venomous web

And you don’t want the poison to extend to you

A few friends and family are too many already

Fear holds you back but also drives you forward

Perpetual pendulum of ambivalence

But you have to move forward for your own life

0% Power

Waking up is a struggle. I can hardly get out of bed. I’m lucky if I have the energy to put on actual clothes and not wear pjs It’s draining me.

I walk around as a lifeless husk. I used to have more left in me Now I’m stuck with a body that works against me

Why can’t I get the energy to do more?

This is killing me to do

Can’t think right, can’t get out of bed, can’t function

And everything is different. The hills are mountains, the medicine doesn’t seem to work, and I’m stuck having to explain my condition to insensitive soulless assholes who don’t understand it and adamantly refuse to.

Destruction of a World

Like many creatures, I learned from mother I learned to be brave, to be strong, to be kind In a world of security, I believed that one day you would meet your “soulmate” like mom I would be pretty one day like mom I would have a dream life like mom

I saw my dad disappear for days at a time for work And I saw my mom cry. I can hear her tell me that if I was good, he would stay I can hear her tell me that he didn’t love her

The day the bombshell that dropped on me, she was crying Told me that it wasn’t my fault

“It has nothing to do with you, sweetie.”

Boom.

Explosion. Destruction. Death. Crops are dead. People are burnt to a crisp. No one is left. Nothing is left.

My happy little world is gone.

Depression

That sinking feeling in the pit of my soul

That heavy hopeless feeling

I go to a dark place

A world with no hope

Cries for help, raising eyebrows, worrying loved ones And then I hate myself for opening my mouth I know that they care about me but my brain likes to tell me awful things

I’m not enough of this or I’m too that She’s always gonna be better than me

I’ll never be good enough for anything It never ends. Infinite sorrows planted in my brain

The horrible things I say swirl around in my head: Ugly, stupid, boring, useless, unwelcome, unwanted I suffer at my own hands because of mortal wounds that never seem to heal And I’ll never get better

There has to be a ray of light somewhere There has to be a sliver of happiness left for me But things seem to long and endless in the world And I feel like nothing will ever change

AN Ode to Hypothyroidism

Every day is a new challenge

I wake up feeling like lead, constantly being held down

I can’t stop coughing

It feels like there’s a huge mass of suffering in my throat And it’s making me sick

The pills don’t seem to work

I’m still constantly tired Why did this have to happen now??

Scheduling appointments with a doctor who can help

But I can’t see her until school’s out Why does this have to happen to me??

I moan and groan “why me” “woe is me” and yet I still drag myself outside Into the world with my shitty thyroid kicking and screaming like a two year old I ignore the tantrums and keep walking away from my bed

This fucking thing WILL NOT get in my way I’m gonna fight until it backs down

Because I sure as hell won’t be giving up any time soon

I will never let anyone change me into what they want only to throw me away when they get bored. Boredom that they caused from changing someone so radically into a shell of their former self.

You ruined them and act so shocked when they are no longer the person you fell in love with. But you never loved them. You just wanted a fucking toy to play with, to break and then toss aside after you had used them all up.

“Compromise” is code for control. And I refuse to let anyone, regardless or gender, have that power over me.

I will not let any human being destroy me.

Never again…

Once Upon A Time

There was a little girl who wanted to live happily ever after She wanted an unconditional love, a love that would last forever When she grew up, she decided to go out and find that love

And then she got a dog and they both lived happily ever after.

Black Sheep

It walks past the flock

Ebony wool worn like a badge of honor

Wearing its difference with pride

Refusing to blend in with the others

The black sheep is not an outsider but a symbol of being unique But now everyone wants to be a black sheep Each person has to be different

If everyone is a black sheep, then no one is special So everyone can not possibly special And not everyone is

People need to understand that not everyone is a black sheep

Some are simply white sheep And that’s okay

Stuffed animals, Littlest Pet Shop toys, cartoons, cupcakes with pink frosting, blowing dandelions

My mom blowing bubbles in the backyard while me and my dog chase them, playing outside during recess at school, drawing in our driveway with chalk, riding my bike inside the house

Wishing for snow, decorating the Christmas tree, I had a pink sparkly one in my room, sleeping with one eye open that night, waking up to a brilliant tree all decked out in beautiful ornaments and colorful lights with tons of gifts under it

Carrying books everywhere to read when we went somewhere, listening to music on my IPad in the car, always wanting a toy at the store, going to Justice to buy clothes

Snuggling with my dog, petting him, he was a loyal friend

Times spent at museums, parks, the movies, going to see plays, going on trips to see family, being with my mom and Enzo our dog

I wish I could go back to being that cheerful and happy little girl who was too busy playing with toys and watching cartoons to care what was going on in the world

She’s been gone for a long time now

A Poem of Hope

Let’s imagine a better life

I can almost see it clearly, like a painting

Getting closer and closer as time passes

Hearing its siren song pull me closer

Taking steps towards the light at the end of the tunnel

As I get closer my past fades away into the ashes and dust

The pain becomes more and more of a distant memory

The sad memories will be replaced soon with better ones

He won’t be a part of my new life soon and I’ll rejoice

Everything that I’ve dreamed about since I was a child is coming true

Everything I want is becoming more detailed, more tangible

Now I want to stay alive to see it

Desired worlds that I’ve used as an escape will now come into being

Occupying my time and thoughts

For once I don’t feel like he is weighing me down as much

The years of pain and tears are starting to melt away

Having surrounded myself with people who care

Even now, your words that feel like an ax in my chest will start to fade

There’s going to be a time where he won’t be a part of my life

Unbeaten, I will leave him alone this time.

No more pain from him ever again. He’ll be stuck with

Nothing but the knowledge of what he’s done. But the bridge is burnt.

Everything else will be for me to enjoy I will have family, friends, and

Love. The doors are opening for me and I’ll gladly walk through them

Invisible

The snow makes for a good reason to hide

No one can see you, no one can look at you

You can blend in and hide as you always do It's been a gift since you were a child

The snow makes for a good hiding place

Like when you hid under your mom’s bed when you were eleven and twelve

So you wouldn’t have to face a bleak reality

So you could be invisible

Old Scars

I looked at her Instagram for the first time in years

She isn’t an object of my envy or a source of my insecurity

Not anymore

Now I haven’t seen her, Miss Perfect with her perfect face and perfect life

At least it seemed like she had it all next to me

My mind goes back to when I was seventeen and I would see her Instagram: Pretty, skinny, perfect. Everyone who saw her posts agreed.

Seeing her get all of this made me want to die

You see, we’re the same age but she always got what I never did

She would gets the parts that I wanted in plays

She would always be the star

She could have any man she wanted, even any potential crushes

She could leave people star struck with her beauty

Miss Perfect

Part of me always hated her for this

Now, looking at her, far away from the blinding light of her perfection

After all these years…things have changed

I’m still the ugly girl but I’m not the same person I was at seventeen

Being twenty one gives you a new perspective on life

And as I venture into another new chapter of my life, she isn’t Miss Perfect anymore. She’s just yet another memory of an old scar

And I know all about old scars

Ones that last a lifetime of pain

No longer reopening wounds, just old dull phantom pain

But she doesn’t have that hold over me anymore

She’s just a now fading memory

Another scar to add to the list

Dead Heart: The Sequel

They tell me that I’ll change my mind one day, but I never will Solitude is my armor and I plan to keep it on No person will be able to break through my steel heart

Fuck that shit

I won’t fall under an evil spell like that That’s for fools

I don’t plan on sharing my life with anyone but my Great Dane named Landru

Love has long since been dead and buried, unconditional love perished in a fire made by its own passion, or it simply perished in the Age of Superficial and the Age of the Filter It’s all fake and people don’t want someone real.

With their unrealistic expectations, they want a two dimensional WattPad lover Someone with no flaws, no baggage, no past trauma, no damage

They don’t want to provide basic mental and emotional support to someone that they claim they care about.

If things are hard, not convenient for them, then they leave

I saw him leave my mom like she was nothing to him It wasn’t convenient for him to stay

Coward

All of them are cowards who run away because they don’t want real love. Just a two dimensional filtered shell of a relationship

Fuck that. I won’t let that shit ruin me

I Saw the Truth

The hero I had was destined to disappoint The day he walked out on my mom was the day That my world was shattered

The day when my heroes changed And none of them are you

For seven years I let you manipulate me, brainwash me, lie to me

You couldn’t let anyone bop your little bubble of denial so I was a casualty of your lies I was so obsessed with popping your bubble that in the end, my own popped.

And the spell was broken. Now I will never believe anything that you say

Because I saw the truth.

I remember when you were truly happy It was when we would walk by the ocean

As a child I would try to outrun the waves and wish that I could fly along the water

You didn’t know that a storm was coming to destroy our happy world Our once lovely beach was destroyed

The memories slip through my decaying brain like grains of sand A time where I too was once truly happy is gone

Why can’t I remember what it was like?

Some of my favorite inklings of a demolished past are getting harder to replay

All of it’s a foggy blur of sunlight and innocence

As the sun starts to set

And I try to forget the pain the comes with once happy memories

The beach is gone

I’m left with the cold gray reality of my life.

No Father

My dad wasn’t around for me

Always traveling, never present

The empty seat at every performance

The other little girl’s would jump into their dad’s arms

While I only watched on my way to my mom’s car

Try to be happy for her but my own pain blocks the way

I don’t have a father

The man that hurt my mother, who hurt me, isn’t my dad. I don’t have one of those anymore

So I always say that I don’t have a dad. Because it's pretty much true at this point.

Rock Bottom

She’s barely hanging on. The rope is slipping away She’s drowning. No one can pull her up She’ll fall

And fall

Until she splatters onto the pavement

She tries to reach for someone. Grabbing onto clouds and stars as she falls Hitting rocks on the way down. About to meet the cold, merciless ground She breaks the world in half on impact

While she lays there the dust settles

Her face looks peaceful as the flowers and grass grow around her What could’ve pushed her off of the heavens? Who could’ve let her drop so hard and fast?

The bruises fade away and the cuts heal as the earth consumes her

I can’t say I didn’t try to hang on. But I can’t say I haven’t thought about it This world gets so lonely and I feel like I’m nothing some days… If I had done it would it have saved me a lot of grief?

I look ahead and see a light at the end of a tunnel

There’s got to be something on the other side

Some shred light and hope out there

I want to live

Acknowledgments

To my mom, who's been there for me since day one.

To my family for all of the love and support.

To my friends who have put up with my stories and poems since we met.

To my professors who have encouraged my writing.

To my dog who gives me endless serotonin.

About the Author

Mary Cowdin is a 21 year old junior in college who has a passion for writing and storytelling. Since her childhood, she has been making up stories in her head and longed to share them with the world. When she isn’t writing fiction, poetry, or fanfiction, Mary can be found, zoning out, daydreaming and/or coming up with storylines in her mind that very few will understand. She currently lives in Indiana and goes to the University of Indianapolis.