My first document

Wounded Hearts

By: Mary Cowdin

Wounded Hearts

By:

Mary Cowdin

Dead Heart

Ilearnedthehardwaythatloveisdeadandburied

NowIkeepthemallawaysoIdon’tgethurt

I’veseenwhathappenswhenyouarefoolishenoughtobelievethatlie: “Iloveyou.”

Lies.

Iftheygivemetheirheart,I’llrunawaybecause

Itremindsmethatthere’sabigemptyholeinsideofmysoul

Youcan’tpossiblyloveme.Youdon’treallyknowme

Andonceyoudo,you’llbesorrythatyoueverdid

WhatIreallyamisunlovable

Itdoesn’tmatteranywaysbecausepeoplemyagethinkthatloveisentirely superficial

Don’tbelieveme?Lookonsocialmedia

Don’tget attached.

AtleastIlostmyv-card.SeventeenyearoldmewouldbehappytoknowthatIwon’tdieavirgin.

Iftheygettooclose,run.

Youdon’twanttoenduplikeyourmother,doyou?You’veseenwhatshewaslikeintheaftermath.

C.S.Lewissaiditbestwhenhesaid:

“Toloveatallistobevulnerable.Loveanythingandyourheartwillbewrungandpossiblybroken.”

Hewasright,youknow.Youeitherhaveyourlifedestroyedorlivewithadeadheartlefttodecayinitslittlepine box.

Choosewisely.

Anger

There’ssomethingbadinsideofmybones

Thebloodinmyveinsismadeupofacid

IwanttodestroyanyonewhoharmspeopleIcareabout

BecauseIcouldn’tprotecther

Icouldn’tsaveherfromthescorchedearththatshehadbeenleftfordeadon I’msosorry

Therewasnothingyoucoulddo

Icouldhavesavedher

Youwereachild

MaybeIcouldhavepreventedherpain

Therewasnothingyoucoulddo.Youwereachild.

SowhydoespartofmefeellikeIcould’vedonesomething

Itwasoutofmycontrol.Iwasa child

Butitdoesn’thealanywounds.Orfillanybulletholes

Ihadtowatchasshebrokedown.Asherlifewasrippedfromher

HerwholelifehadbeenfilledwithtragedysinceshewasyoungerthenIamnow

IhatetothinkofsomeoneIcareaboutinthatkindofpain,somuchpain

It’slikeI’mtryingtomakeforthefactthatIcouldneverprotecther

NowI’mstuckbecauseIdon’twanttoenduplikeher

It’sbecauseofhimthatshe’sinpain,thatIwilldiealonesoIdon’tgethurt

Thiswasn’tyourfault.Herpainisnotyourstobear.Youhavetomoveon.

Orit’llkillme

No Home

Lostintheworldwithoutsomewheretogo.ContinuouslylookingforthatplaceIusedtoknowsowell.Thathome wasdestroyedalongtimeago.Demolishedbyastormthatdidn’tcareifIlosttheonlyhomeIhadeverknown.

Iwanderedthestreetslookingforanewone,constantlyshunnedbyothers.Otherswhodidn’tunderstandthatI waslostandIneededanewhome.Whenyouhavenohome,you’llrunrightintothearmsofanyone.

IhadanewhomeinhimthatIwastakenawayfrom.Itriedtolookforitagainbutcouldn’trememberthe address.Thenhefoundmeonthesideoftheroad.Iwentbackwithhim,wantingtogetawayfromeveryoneelse.

IwishIcouldtellyouthatIstayedinthathomebutthat’snothowitended.Ididn’tthinkthatwe’dmakeitsoI leftseveraltimesbeforeIcamebackagainandagainbecauseIdidn’twanttobewithoutahome.Minewas destroyedsoIhadtolookforahomeinsomeoneelse.

Bouncingfromseveralhomes,lookingfortheonethatwouldmakemefeelsafe.Lookingforahomethatwould givemesomethingthatIdidn’thave.SomethingImighthaveneverhad.Tryingtocompensateforamissing piece.Intheend,Iresignedmyselftonotstayingforlongineachplace.

Iwouldratherbeoutthere,lostandalonebecauseIdon’twanttogethurt.Iwon’tmakeitthatlongifIstay.SoI stayoutinthecoldtogetmyselfsafe.It’salonelylife,nomatterwhatIdoorwhereIgo.

Iwenttoaplacethatwasbuiltintheaftermath.ItendedupbeingtheonlyplacethatIfeltlikeIwashome.Butit doesn’thealanywoundsortakeawayanyscars.There’sstillpain.MaybeIneedtostoplookingforanewhome andrepairmycurrentone.

OrI’lltrulyhavenothinglefttogohometo.

Death in the Family

Idon'twanttosaygoodbyetoher

Shedidn’thaveanyworriesorfear

Ahappymemorythat’slongsincedead

Thatgirldidn’tseeherendcoming

Shediedslowlybutsurely

Beforetherewasnothingleftofher

Soonshewasgone.Killedsoshewouldn’tgethurteveragain

Noonecanhurthernowbecauseshe’sgone

Ididn’twanttoabandonher.Ineverwantedtoloseher

Butifshestayed,I’dhavebeendestroyedlongago

Shewashappyandcarefree.Andshehadnoideawhatwouldhappentoher ButIcan’tapologizesinceI’mnotsorry

Itwasinevitable.Shehadtogrowup,shehadtochange

Theworldsawherandlaughedacruellaughbefore

Shewaschewedupandspitout.She’snothereanymore

IwanttotellherthatI’msorrysinceIknowit'snotfair

Shedidn’tdeservetodielikethis

Iheardhervoicefromthebackroom

Turnedtoseehercrying

Shedoesn’tknowwhathappenedorwhoIevenam

Andshedoesn’tknowwhereshe’sgonnago

Idon’tthinkthatanythingIsaycanhealherpain

She’sstillwoundedfromthepast,whenherinnocentworldwasshattered DoessheknowwhoIam?Doessheknowthatshe’sdead?

There’sonethingIknowforsure:

Shedoesn’tknowwhosheis.Orwas

Shedoesn’tknowthatI’mher.OrIwas Notanymore

Detached

Whensomeonetalksaboutthepainoflosingtheirfather, Idon’tunderstand.

Whywouldsomeonegrieveovertheirdad?Didtheirdad love them?DidtheyhavesomethingthatIcouldnever decipher?Likesomemysterioushieroglyphsthatnoonecouldeverexplain.

Theysaythattheyhadsuchastrongbond.Afatherwhowaspresent,afatherwhoputtheirfamilyfirst,a fatherwhoneverhurtthem.Afatherwhodidn’tdestroythelivesofotherstotryandcopewithhisdecadeslong pain.

ButallIfeelisemptinessbecauseInevergottohavethat.Igotscreamingandcrying,disappointments,and bruisesonmyarmsthatlastedforafewdayswhenIwaseighteen.Igotnothingbutanemptyspacewhereyou shouldhavebeen.

Iwasdisownedforstandinguptoyou.Iwasdisownedforfightingbackagainstyou. Butitwasn’tmyfaultthatyoucouldn’thandlethetruthofwhatyouhadbecome.

Whenyoudidn’tgetthat,youtendtolookforotherthingstocompensate

Butitdoesn’thelp

Andyoustillfeelempty

Aholethatisneverfilledafteritwasskeweredintoyou.Soyoufeeldetachedfromthatkindofgrief.

Younevergotoneandtheydidandyouenvythemforit Howsadthatyoudidn’thaveadad Howsadthathenevercared.

AndIcan’tfindthewordstoexplainmypain

Cobra

Youmissedoutoneverything

EveryplayIwasinsinceIwasagirl,I’dknowyouweren’tthere Igrewupwithyouaway,wantingtoforgetus

Untilyouleftusalonewiththepieces.Butyoudidn’treallyseemegrowup

Likeafallenangel,Iwascastasidejustforspeakingmymind

Istoodupformyselfsoyouthrewmeaway.Justlikeyouthrewawaymymom. Funnyhowthingsneverchange

“You'remyonlykid”.Asentencethatangersmetonoend

IfIwasyouronlykidthenyoushould’vedonebetter.Whatacrockofshit

Someday,I’llbedonewithyouforever.

I’llbefaraway,happy,havingabetterlife

Youwon’tbeabletohurtmeanymore.NotafterIgetawayfromyou I’lltakecareofmomtoo.Bethereforhersinceyouneverwere

AndI’llhavesomethingthatyouneverhad:happiness

Becauseyoumissedoutoneverything

IamnotlikeyouandIamnocobra

It’stimeformetomoveonfromyouandbecomesomethingmore I’mnotsorryforleavingyoubehind

Justlikeyouweren’tsorryforleavingmeandmymombehind

Iwillnotpoisonpeoplewithyourvenom

I’llburyitinthecoreoftheearthandletitburnandleaveyoutorot

There’salifeofhappinessandpeaceaheadofme

Andit'snotyourstotake

Phoenix

Partofmehadtodietomoveonfromoldwounds,stillopenandrotting.Ihadtohackoffinfectedlimbstokeepfrom killingmyself.

Justastheonethatcamebeforeher,thegirlwilldieatmyhandstobeburiedunderapileofherownashes.

Shewasn’tliving.Justsurviving.Thebirdwithtwobrokenwings.SoIguttedhertoputheroutofhermiserylikea poordiseasedcreature.

Watchingassomeonemadeoutofflamesflewtooclosetothesun.She’sburningwhilecryingtearsoffire.Acidtears thatburnedallherlovedones.

Butnowshehasnoreasontostickaroundanymore,obsolete.I’dliketosaythatI’msorrybutI’mnot.

Ihadtoguthersoshewouldhavepeace.Letherrestforonce.

Thatpoorgirldidn’tmakeitfar.Shecouldn’tsurviveanymore.SoIletherdie.Iletherburnherselfup.

Ilayherbodytorest,mangledandbloody.Hairandteethmixedwithburntflesh.HercorpseburntupbeforeIlaid herashesinarosegarden.Tearswateredtheplantsasshewasgivennewlife.

It’stimeforhertodieandendupsixfeetunder.Sothatshewillberebornforasecondtime.

Stillmadeofflamesthatnoonecanputouteveragaintostartanewlifealloveragain.Tobecomesomethingelse entirely.

Reanimation

Shelaiddormantunderground.Inhercoffinshewaitedtobeputbacktogether.Shewaitedtoriseagain.

Dr.Frankensteinandhisteamofsurgeonsdidtheirbestworkwiththisone.Let’sseewhatrepairsweremade.

Firstherinfectedandfesteringwounds.Thesmellwassomethingthattheycouldworkpastasthewoundswere cleanedandsewnbackup.Bulletsandpusremoved.Bloodtransfusionstoinstillnewlifeandpassion.

Thenhermind.Itwouldneedworktoo.Giveitwaystoslowdown,giveithealthierwaystocope.Tellitthatthings aredifferentnow.Tellitthatit’stimetoheal.

Thenherheart.Theoncecrudestitchwork,staples,glue,andtapeareremovedandthedeadbutstillbeating organispiecedbacktogetherwiththeskillofasurgeon.Itsloveisbeingreturnedandgivenbackslowlybutsurely.

Hertearsarewipedawayassheistoldthatherpainwasn’tfornothingandthatshe’schanged.Butit’suptoherto getbetter.

Thefireisreturningandshe’sslowlybeenrebuiltineveryconceivableway.Shewillsurvivethisandcomeback better.Shewasmadetofightandmadetolast.

Soon,herfirehasgottenstronger.Assheiscontinuouslyworkedon,shechanges.It’lltakeawhilebutshewilllive andshewillheal.

Shedoesn’tgodownwithoutafightbutknowsnowwhatthattrulymeans.

Phoenix Pt. 2

Icrawledout.Pastdirt,andashes,andthesmellofdecayedflesh.Finallyfreefromdeadweight.

Fromthedarknesscomesthelight.ItshinesthroughthebloodredskyasIfeellikeI’vebeenasleepforcenturies. Asthedarkestnightfadestothebrightestdawn.

Aftersheddingrottenflesh,Iawakenasanewperson.Anewfireburnsbrighterthananystarinthesky.

She’salive.Finallyalive.AfteralltheseyearsI’mnolongeradeadgirl.

Thesmellofdeathisreplacedwiththesmelloflife.Fromtheashescomessomeonenew.

She’sbeautifullikeasupernova.Andherfirewillneverbeputouteveragain.

Woundscleaned,thathaveslowlyhealed.Leavingbehindscars.Butthescarsarehardtomakeoutthroughthe explosionofstarsandfire.

Sheisalive.

Anewcreatureoffirereadytostartanewlife.

Bleeding Stars

Lookintomyeyesandholdmyhand

Letmeloveyou

SothatImaycutyournameintothesky

SothatthestarsbleedcelestialessenceandtheheavensweepasIhave Youaremysky

AndI’dholduptheuniverseforyou

I’dfuelthelifeforceofthisplacewithmyloveforyou

Howhadn’tIfoundyoubefore?

SolostinahazyfogbeforeIcaughttheglimpseofus

Thenthelightcamethroughthecloudsandyoumademefeeldifferent

Afterallofmypainthereisjoy

Somethinghaswipedmyslatecleanandinitsplaceissomethingelse

IlookandIseethatinitsplaceisyou

NowyouandIhaveachanceatpeace

Wecouldbesomethingmore

Haveaneternitytogether

SomuchIwanttosaybutI’mnotsurehow

IfonlyIwasbetteratspeaking,speakingmoreeloquently Butsometimesthingsdon’tneedwords

Andyoudon’tseemtohaveanyeither

SoIholdyouhandandcan’tseemtoletgo

AndnowyouandIcan’tgetridofeachotherthateasily

The Fall of Your Humanity

Wedon’ttrustthenews

Puppetmasterplasma,theytellyoulies

Wedon’ttrustthegovernment

Wantallforthemselves,theylietoo

Wedon’ttrustbusinesses

Bleedyoudry,wanttoleaveyoupennilessinthegutter

Wedon’ttrustreligion

Theytakeyourmoney,brainwashyourkids,sheeple,idiot

Wedon’ttrusttheinternet

Conspiracytheories,nooneknowsshit

Wedon’ttrusteachother. Liar,traitor,liberal,conservative,killyourself,Iwishyouweredead,gotohell

Wedon’ttrustourselves. Worthless,wasteoflife,youwillneverbeenough,youshouldn’tlive

Don’tbelieveanythinganyonesays,don’ttrustanyoneoranything. Everyoneandeverythingisouttogetyou

Weliveinatimewherepeoplecaremoreaboutacelebrities’privatelifebutnotthechildrenthataredyingin Africaandexternalvalidationfromstrangersonsocialmediaisvaluedoverprivacy.

Thesedays,everythingisalieandeverythingisfake.

Whatatimetobealive(sarcastically)!

Suffering

I can run but will never hide

Hope that it won’t catch up to me

Tears run down my face as I fall over the jagged rocks

I fall to my knees and hope and pray

As the darkness swallows me whole

Down a beast’s endless gullet as my stomach drops

Clock is ticking as I lose time to stay still

I’m so scared to move but know I’ll die if I don’t

Fear is going to kill me

Fear kills us all

We can’t run or hide

At least not forever

Anxiety

Youcanfeelit

Thecrushingfeelinginyourlungs

It’sspillingintoyourstomach

Andnowyoucan’tbreathe

Allyoucanfeelisdread

Dreading,dreading,dreading

Fearconsumesyou

It’stakingoveryou

Itconsumesyou

Ican’thearanythingtheysay

Ican’tthinkstraight

It’scloudingmymind

Ohmygodit’scloudingmymind

Cloudingmysanity

AllIcandoiswaitforthestormtopass

Thefear

Thedread

Theuncertaintyofitall

It’sswallowingmewhole

IfonlyIwasn’tsoworriedallthetime

IfonlyIcouldjustchilloutforonce

It’sgoingtofadesoon

AndI’llbestuckcleaningupthemessafterword

IfonlyIwasn’tsoworriedallthetime

Untitled

Ican’tleavebutIcan’tstay

Nowheretorun

I’lldieeitherway

Hidingisbetter,easier,Iwon’thavetofacetheday

Tofacewhatyouhavedone

It’seasiertopretendthatI’mokay

Theycalledmeselfishforwantingtodie

ButtheyneversawwhatIhadbeenthrough

Andnooneeverheardmecry

Inthedark,Iwasignored.It’stimetosaygoodbye

Idon’tknowwhattotellmylovedonesexcept “Ican’tsayIdidn’ttry”

Mypastisstartingtodecay

Thesmellissuffocating

AndnowIlookforaway

Outofthishell,outofthedarknessandintothelight

WouldIbeabletocomeoutalive?

There’savoiceinmyheadthatsays“Youmight”

Iwon’tletanythingoranyonedragmedownagain

Turningtostarttorun

Iwanttomakeitoutofthewastelandalive

Iwanttoleavethisplaceandsurvive

Uncharted Territory

WhenIlookatyouandseeyousmile

It’slikeaperiodtoasentencethatIdon’tknowhowtosay

IthinkI’vefallenforyou

WhenIthinkaboutthesinkingshipthatwasmyparents

IfeellikeI’mdrowninginfearofthefuture

IthinkI’mtooafraidtogiveyoumyheart

Idon’twantsomeonetohanditbacktomedestroyed

Idon’twanttogethurt

Idon’twanttogothroughanymorepain

Fearstopsmefromputtingmyheartontheline

Fearstopsmefromknowingtheanswerthethatonequestion

Ifyouloveme

YoumakemethinkthatIwon’tenduplikemymom

Youmakemefeelhopefulthatlovedoesexist

Youmakemesohappy

YouarethepunctuationtoasentencethatIdon’tknowhowtosay

Themostterrifyingquestiontoasksomeone:

“Doyoulikeme?”

Stuck

Youaren’tworthit.Justletyourselfdie No.Idon’twanttobestuckanymore

I’mgonnafightback

I’mgonnafight…

AndthenIwon’thavetosufferthisburdenI’vecarriedfortwentyyears

ThenI’llbefreefromyouandthepoisonthatIletyoufeedme

I’mfightingadeathbattlewithmyselfandtryingtocomeoutunscathed

~Fin~

Acknowledgments

To my mom, who's been there for ,me since day one.

To my friends who have put up with my stories and poems since we met.

To Professor Haney, Professor Vice, and Professor McKanna who have encouraged my writing even when I haven't.

To my dog who gives me endless serotonin.

About the Author

Mary Cowdin is a 20-something college student with a passion for writing and creating stories. Aside from creating this super dope chapbook, she has self published the poetry book Love Letter to the Apocalypse in 2022. When she isn’t writing fiction, poetry, or fanfiction, Mary can be found daydreaming and coming up with storylines in her mind that very few will understand. She currently lives in Indiana and goes to the University of Indianapolis.