FROM THE HUMOUR EDITOR

“Images of rapture

Creep into me slowly

As you go into my head

And my heart beats faster

When you take me over Time and time again”

These are the eloquent lyrics of the best song ever written, “Fantasy” by Mariah Carey, the song I listen to as I write this letter. It is 00:36, the best time ever, especially for productivity and good rest. I am sitting on my bed in Douglas, TWU’s finest and most fireproof dorm. At the center of this portrait of perfection sits me, the most attractive, intelligent, popular, emotionally secure, witty, virtuous, and humble student at this zenith of academic institutions.

What is a zenith? It is not a funky instrument as I initially thought (that would be a zither). It is a good name for Gwyneth Paltrow’s second company (obviously spelled like Zyneth), but that is not a definition. A zenith is simply the highest point of something, the tip of excellence. For example, the zenith of Gwyneth Paltrow’s movie career is not The Royal Tenenbaums (2001), nor is it the Marvel Cinematic Multiverse, or even her Oscar-winning performance in Shakespeare In Love (1998). The zenith of Gwyneth Paltrow’s career is in Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002), in which she played a character named Dixie Normous, which is one of the best and most iconic names in any film.

Anyway, you didn’t pick up this copy of Mars’ Hill to read my ramblings. You came to read the Declassifieds and maybe the Christian Horoscopes before chucking this issue into the garbage, or maybe the recycling bin if you’re not a loser. Before you do, though, you should browse the Opinions section to read “Math 191: Take This Course!” by Michael Plenits to figure out how the heck you can fill that pesky Computational Core Requirement without wanting to bash your brains out, or learn “How To Save A Failing Marriage” from Lorin Scaiano in the Humor section if you need romantic and stylish advice.

It is now 01:39, the other best time of the day. I have spent more time this week on Mars’ Hill than the many, many essays I need to write, which means my life is more meaningful and productive than yours. Every surface in my dorm room, including my bed, has at least 30 pieces of paper on it. I inhale and exhale, vibrant and thriving. Altogether, my life is a sweet, sweet fantasy baby.

—Bailey

News (World-Wide Happenings)

Opinions (Spicy Takes)

Sports (Athletics Updates or Musings)

Arts & Culture (Stuff That’s Popular or Should Be)

Humour (The Funny Stuff)

Is there something you’re passionate about more than anyone else? Is there an idea or story you’re dying to share with the world? Do you like to make people laugh? Send your pieces or ideas to: