The Ultimate Guide to Surviving: A Pigeon Attack

D A N G E R

THE

ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SURVIVING:

A PIGEON ATTACK MARET BONE

DEDICATION: This work is dedicated to the countless lives lost in pigeon warfare.

Thank you for your sacrifice.

PHOTO CREDITS: Alekon Pictures Alfred Kenneally Duy Vo Sneha Cecil Syed Ahmad Tejas Patel Tim Mossholder Tina Park Viktor Forgacs Vladislav Nikonov Zac Ong

TABLE OF CONTENTS: Scope the Area Make a Plan Take Action Sacrifice Intimidate Run Take Cover Abandon Hope Conclusion

P. 6 P. 8 P. 10 P. 12 P. 14 P. 16 P. 18 P. 20 P. 22

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STEP 1 SCOPE THE AREA The best way to survive an attack from a pigeon is to avoid it altogether. Pigeons are very dangerous creatures, so the most successful tactic in surviving the terror of pigeons is to stay as far away from them as possible. Take a look at your surroundings and if there is a pigeon near you, take an alternate route immediately.

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STEP 2 MAKE A PLAN Although avoiding a pigeon is the most ideal situation, it is not always possible. In situations in which it is impossible to go around the pigeon, the best course of action is to sneak around it very quickly and quietly. Make a plan to go around the pigeon giving yourself as much distance in between it and yourself as possible. Take note of all possible exits in the area, and do not lose sight of the flying fiend. Account for wind direction and the sound you may create in following your strategy.

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STEP 3 TAKE ACTION Once your plan is laid out, take great care as you put it into action. Use minimal eye contact with the winged beast, only looking at it to ensure its distance is at least 15 ft. from you and your nearest exit. Silence all noise, even that from your headphones, as pigeons are more able to sneak up behind you in midst of your distraction. If all else fails and the pigeon notices your presence, move very slowly and do not lose sight of the windborne rapscallion. Slowly back away from its presence and move to the nearest exit in the aforementioned plan.

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STEP 4 SACRIFICE Pigeons are demonic creatures, and should one find themself cornered against such a beast with no escape, offer it a sacrifice in replacement of your soul. Bread crumbs work best. Throw the offering as far from you as possible, making sure not to block your nearest exit, then slowly make your disappearance.

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STEP 5 INTIMIDATE Should one find themself trapped by a pigeon without any offering to give to it, one must act stronger than reality. Put on the best performance of your life, yell, scream, and stomp, in an attempt to convince the flapping miscreant that you are the stronger of the two. Then, pray that the pigeon falls for your act and flies away.

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STEP 6 RUN While intimidation may be your saving grace, it may also be your downfall. Should the pigeon remain in its position trapping you in place, the intimidation tactic may anger the beast, in which case there is yet one last option left. Run. Run like your life depends on it because it very well may.

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STEP 7 TAKE COVER Now is the time in which the pigeon will likely take action against you. When the fiend first reaches you, cover your face with your hands and arms protecting your most valuable features, your eyes and neck. Continue to run as fast as possible. These ruthless creatures know their enemies’ weaknesses well. Should they happen to make it past your barrier of defense, fall to the ground and attempt to protect yourself more thoroughly. Pull yourself into the fetal position and let out screams warning strangers to not take foot in the area.

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STEP 8 ABANDON HOPE At this point, one has done all that is possible in defeating the pigeon’s wiles. There is no other action to take other than abandon what little hope you have left, and surrender yourself to the pigeon’s mercy. With time, the pigeon will sense your defeat, and will leave in triumph. If you are still alive at this point, leave the battlefield and tend to your wounds. Make sure to clean the injuries very thoroughly, it is important not to lose to the pigeon once again in the battle against the diseases it may carry.

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STEP 9 CONCLUSION If one has managed to escape the talons of death, and has made it to the end of these instructions, it is highly recommended to place several wagers and bets. It is not often that one avoids the doom that a pigeon presents, and for having survived, you surely have luck on your side. Peace be with you and your newly found fortune.

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And should you ever find yourself in battle against a flock of pigeons...

...may heaven bless your soul in your very near afterlife.

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-Dr.Phil “Good.”

-The New York Times “An incredible work that teaches skills necessary to every day survival.”

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