I AIN’T AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS

Bex Evans talks us through the harsh realitiy of dating and looks at the negative affects ghosting can have on a person

For all that the dating scene has gained in the last decade with the advent of apps that allow us to meet potential partners we might otherwise never stumble across, it seems that along the way we've lost something far more important. Where have our good manners gone?

While many a happy relationship has started with a swipe, the idea that something better could be coming up in the next profile, along with the relative anonymity of being behind screens has chipped away at the respect and consideration that we would usually offer to someone we meet face to face. 7 years after the launch of Tinder these new dating behaviours have become common enough that names have been coined for each of them.

'Ghosting' is probably the most frequent form of bad behaviour, and certainly the one that receives the most knowing looks when referred to. Ghosting is the act of suddenly and without any warning or explanation cutting all communication and disappearing into the ether, leaving the injured party wondering what on earth went wrong.

Variations on the above, and from personal experience, are more likely to occur here in Jersey (where let's face it, completely disappearing is tricky given that you're likely to bump into each other at some stage) are 'orbiting' and 'bread-crumbing'. The former is where all communication has stopped, messages go unread and calls unanswered, but the ghost continues to haunt your social media accounts, watching stories and dropping likes, just to remind you they're still around. Breadcrumbing is similar, but crueller in that the perpetrator puts in just enough effort to keep you interested without any real intention of taking it further. Also known as benching, they are quite literally putting you on the bench, keeping you in reserve in case other (better) options don't work out. I've done some research amongst single friends and every one of them has experienced at least one of these practices, most have been through them all several times over, and a few have now decided that if you can’t beat them, join them. Unsurprising then that this kind of behaviour appears to be becoming the norm, rather than the exception; somehow we’ve reached a stage that when getting together for an initial drink, we consider our date more disposable than the straw we’re sipping from.

Given the nature of online dating and using apps as an introduction, this lack of effort can just about be excused in the early stages; I think most people have quietly dropped out of chats when the conversation just isn’t flowing. But once you’ve met in real life, be that for a single date or a dozen, then the discourteous act of simply disappearing becomes plain old fashioned rude.

Of course, nobody enjoys sending that ‘thanks, but no thanks’ message to someone they haven’t clicked with, it’s awkward and risks hurt feelings, but surely we should treat each other with enough consideration to bite the bullet and be honest? I’ve talked around this subject a lot, and I’ve never encountered anyone who has been even remotely offended by a polite message drawing a line under a less than successful date, but I’ve spoken to many daters, of both sexes, who have been left confused and upset by being ghosted or benched. The consequence of what appears like the easy way out to the ghoster can have far-reaching effects for the ghostee. When anyone vanishes into thin air they leave behind questions from ‘are they ok?’ to ‘what did I do wrong?’ and many dozens more. When the suddenly invisible man (or woman) is someone that you felt a connection with then so much the worse; reports of being left feeling used, disregarded, disrespected or just not good enough aren’t at all unusual. The bewilderment and lack of any kind of closure can be far more painful than an honest brush-off would ever have been. But would-be ghosters should consider that the ill-effects aren’t just limited to the victim in this toxic game; particularly in a community as small as ours where word gets around, people talk and a reputation can precede you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In a time when our collective mental health has never been on more of a knife-edge and ‘be kind to each other’ is a buzzword, somehow dating seems to have been left out of the trend. As far as I see it we have two ways to move forward; either we remember our manners, treat each other with respect and stop being shy of calling out those who don’t, or eventually we reach saturation point when we’ve all ghosted our way through the entire single population. I know which I option I’m more afraid of. 

What’s their love language?

Laura Butlin-Policarpo discusses the 5 love languages, a concept initially founded by Dr Gary Chapman

Love is an emotion, a feeling… a unique experience for all of us. Have you ever felt like you were on a different page to a loved one? Be it your other half, a close friend, sibling or other family members. Chances are the way that you communicate love is different and the key is to address how you express your affection lies in understanding their love language. The theory shares 5 love languages; each of us will have a prominent way of giving and receiving love. Identify the way those closest to you communicate and use it as a way to connect.

Words of Affirmation

Using words to build up the other person. Look for opportunities to give sincere compliments. It’s not just about saying ‘I love you’ try to explain the reasons why you feel this way. You’re looking for ways to positively recognise them, whether written or spoken.

Quality Time

Rather than spending time physically together but immersed in other things. This requires giving your partner your undivided attention. Put the screens away, play your favourite album and light some candles. This is all about being together and sharing a moment.

Receiving Gifts

This isn’t about being spoilt. This act is about the thoughtfulness behind the gift. Knowing that you have gone out of your way to think about your loved one and put in the effort to show them that. For example, buying them their favourite bar of chocolate when you went to the shop. It shows that you understand them and that you know them.

Acts of Service

Anything you can do to lessen the burden on the other person. Chances are you’ll know if you partner resonates with this love language. You might have heard them frustrated about always doing the dishes, doing the foods shops, juggling cooking meals with monitoring homework. Well, what if you walked the dog, hoovered the house? How about letting them lie in at the weekend and making breakfast in bed. If you’re really stuck for ideas – just ask!

Physical Touch

If you’re not a hugger – then physical touch may not be the language you relate to the most. Be intentional about finding ways to express love using physical touch. Holding hands can calm, heal and reassure. Offering a neck or foot massage in the evening can show you want to help them relax. Touching their arm in conversation can offer support and reassurance.