This Is Where I Will Leave You by Maikz Tomas

This Is Where I Will Leave You

Maikz Tomas

For a friend across thousands of ocean, You are a constant inspiration in all of this. Thank you.

CONTENTS

I

Ocean Introduction Flaws Metaphor Love II Moving Lost for words Made up of Senses More than anything Words

II

You Silence A peek of the future Searching She Have we met before?

Depth over distance A story maybe Heights 12: 01 am This is where I will leave you

This Is Where I Will Leave You I

Introduction

I'm made up of garden full of tulips My hands are as cold as the rainy mornings every July I tour the world like Columbus I have a smile that can move mountains And maps will no longer be an essential I want to introduce myself to you again In this tone - maybe this time it will make sense Maybe this time you'll no longer ask why things are complicated I thought maybe this will come off as a permanent answer If I tell you my mind works like ranging waves Would you stop meeting the ocean?

If I tell you I don’t sleep after every good night Would you go back to our very first conversation?

If I tell you my love for you wouldn't fit in my heart anymore Would you even bother to ask why?

If I tell you I don't want to be a secret memory in your brain anymore Would you let the world know how I said hello the first time we met?

I want to introduce myself to you again In a way that it would feel like an arrival to some destination Like leaving isn't an option Like settling won't feel like forced Like moving in would feel like home sweet home

Flaws Flaws - five letters, one word, thousands Of them belongs to you You who brings tragedy along with heartaches In a suitcase in red and blue Red meaning stop Blue speaks sob You are a combination of emotions and thoughts That somehow resembles to the taste of whiskey and coke The word flaw begins to sound like your name A rhythmic noise to my ears A pounding bliss that sore And a dying beat that is in my core Your flaws look so good on you It's like you're wearing constellation each day Aligned beneath your skin, tattooed in my mind Your flaws unbelievably look nothing like mine

Love II If I’m going to meet love one day I would say all the words on top of my head Without stuttering, Without glancing As if I’m a little 5 year old brat kid “Love’s wonderful” “Love’s something you see in the morning” “Love’s something you dream about at night” “Love’s not really on the first sight” “Love’s something I wait on the other side of the line” “Love’s too good to be true” “Love’s all about leaving” “Love’s shit” “Love’s…..well, shit”

Love is something you put inside a box and show to a girl Love is something you see on a scrambled paper Love is something you recite in front of the mirror Love is something you can’t actually say but it’s there Love is something beautiful until it’s not It’s something you hold between your hands until its gone Love is something you share, something you look forward to Until you get tired, until you realize you’re not there anymore If I’m going to meet love one day I hope it has a mouth to constantly remind me of my worth I hope it has an ear for my-never-ending I don’t knows and flaws I hope it has an eye for what could possibly be a good beginning If I’m going to meet love one day I’m not going to write about it anymore I’m going to give it a hug as if it is a human being I’m going to hold its both hands tightly And end its agony; by waiting for me like it always does

Moving I’ll come out and look for you Through mountains, seas and blurry stations I’ll use a string telephone Just so I could move hell and earth to get to you We are kind of stuck between two islands I’ll get moving Better get things into changing From buying plane tickets to quietly sleeping in Think about distance, you said In my head it’s just galaxies and numbers Pretty amusing, quite terrifying Seemingly a destructible word It’s not every day we are okay We’ll move this giant fat ass together someday I’ll come out and look for you I’ll keep moving things just to get to you

Lost for words I’m taking it one day at a time Knowing your rough edges; Your lovely bones and senses If meeting you has to get me through mud and spaces I wouldn’t mind taking all the time Your presence - You being present It makes everything so alive Every spoken word, every tiny gesture It cuts through the viscous cycle of our little world Here’s the thing: I can only say what I know about you But I can never put into words how you make me feel about things Like the same feeling you get when your feet touches the sand The same actual feeling when you get a hug after a long day of getting by I’m always lost for that word; those appropriate words for those feelings Although it makes sense to my heart more than in my mind It would always be at the tip of my tongue And would always just be hanging at the corner of my stomach If only I could say those words a hundred times more I’d say it; I’d be more than happy to write it on a tiny paper and mail it I’d be more willing to illustrate it and hang it on my dead wall If only I could, I’d do everything to express it a hundred times or even more

Made up of Here I am feeling so small Beside all the things you wanted In between your pauses and longer sentences I have never felt so cold I'm scared that one day you'll realize That I'm made up of uncertainties and doubts More than bones, more than a breathing flesh And leave me without a single call Apologies for not being solid For whatever I have broken again and again For I am fragile and not the one to speak up For I am needy and not consistent I am made up of a destructive atom Will soon be needing a hold - a warm satisfying home I might soon burst into tiny particles and be nothing You don't need to fill me up; you've already done your part

Senses I can hear you - everything you’re trying to say to me; I can hear it Even if I’m complacent about not feeling it I can hear all the words even in the shortest breath Now we welcomed silence With it’s stupid concept and useless presence I still feel you - in every corner of this empty hall In a heart wrenching motionless form I have your box - everything that would remind me of you; I can smell you in it In between of your most valuable things I can smell emotions you have collected As I stand here in the middle of the ocean To what you refer as home or shelter All I see is you, only you In a perfect bird’s eye view

More than anything He loves her with all his heart He describes her with all his perfect words With all his mouth could ever say With nothing but perplex enthusiasm Little did he know Her heart was breaking into tiny pieces Inch by inch she’s picking herself up Day by day she’s losing her private parts Her will to say what’s on her mind Her power to agree and disagree Her complex gut and identity Little did he know; he’s slowly losing her Those perfect words being thrown at her “Weird, lovely and very interesting” She doesn’t want that Nor she wants to be objectified as that More than anything She wants to be remembered She wants nothing but appreciation She wants nothing but to be put first Every perfect words he’s saying Her brain shuts, her heart aches For she knows that each time those words being thrown at her All she could think of is: “No one settles for that person”

Words Utter those words in a wondrous poetry verse Unblemished every single line like a tint blush on her face looking oh so fine Those hopelessly romantic everyday people we see just waiting to speak those words in such moments; Patiently waiting at a transit sitting quietly holding a book by john green Looking at those lovely faces like they’ve never seen such a beauty maze Yet you are to speak those words more than anyone else More than any stories could tell more than those people who are remarkable Because you are more than that

This Is Where I Will Leave You II

You Knowing you as part of my whole being Leaving me thoughts about being competitive in this life Not losing you, this love, this boundless connection Makes me go insane just by thinking about it You, me and the dark gray sky Pretty much a good title for what we have at the moment Gives me mixed feelings - good and sad; kind but unpleasant You being me, me being You I am kind of just shy to say that I am jealous Sadly about your environment; your thoughts without my thoughts Placing distance between your heart and my heart This is me being repetitive for the nth time even with my words You are a pusher of what’s good and bad in me You are a pusher of goodness in jealousy You are my literary high And as always, you, me and the dark gray sky

Silence Silence left a hole in my heart; It bled deafening sound of belongingness, attention & wholeness What remained untouched is a part of you that calls out for more aches from you – in between the noise of thump thumps of our heartbeats, the tick tock tick tocks of clocks passing by the numerous talks & all the sighs we make whenever we miss out on each other.

Now, there’s the presence of a painful silence Which may make or break us depends on how the universe would trick us Well it’s there – the end, the highest peak, the turning point all similar to silence We are already at our destination – where beginnings meet the end; where hello’s today, tomorrow’s a goodbye Painful yet silent But dear this is where we’ve all started

A peek of the future

The ache after you said goodbye That moment between 4pm and 6pm Those spaces between your feet to my feet The slightest sight of you walking towards the airport gate We moved apart - inch by inch We have moved towards distance You slowly built sand castles towards my way As if you're making an argument if I may say These are all in my head; a blurb, a peek of the future Presented to me like I'm in a movie club or theatre Half of the story is about distance The rest of the story is about moving apart

She The quiet girl was once lost She had lose herself in the darkest hours No light rails, just confusing routes Once before she knew all about the ins and outs She welcomed helping hands Which she trusted her gut Eventually, she was betrayed by these hands For she was naive and a believer of mankind She stayed true to herself and stayed quiet While trying to get to know the current In the palm of her hand - there was an encouraging sign She read it out loud which says: “Stay curious, be present�

Since then, the quiet girl began searching for something A quest, a misadventure, a question, a riddle Each day she would encounter helping hands She knew they were mere signs than plain humans Day by day, she would go on for a walk As to calm the storm inside her head running down to her heart For she is the quiet girl as she is from the beginning She would first listen to riptides and let her curious mind sing

Have we met before?

A lost in translation place I think I saw you You were wearing phrases And I’m wearing confidence Do you wear your glasses upside down?

Or do you hate milk on your coffee so much that it makes you frown?

Everything’s written in here; inside my rubix kind of mind Feels like a stranger I’ve known in another timeline Have we met before?

The familiarity of that smile brings me home Something similar to a peaceful blackbird Absurd, curious and amuse Something I’d always want to see than an awkward crowd Pretty sure I’ve seen you somewhere In my past life or in a perplex dream Facing forward firmly as present Towards me and through things we could build

Depth over distance Love's actually like a connecting flight Full of stopovers, hoping & laying down They say distance makes the heart grow fonder But dear, isn't it depth over distance?

I would always wonder

It has always been like passing greater heights With curiosity, harmony & hiding under the same sun So many shades of brown to blue to green Two people stoked for the tiniest scenes

I'm writing this on a cold morning Wondering what if we're both on the same plane Will you be thinking about how we've come so far While placing your hands around my arms

Depth over distance A thought 6 feet under the ocean Of love, grace and perseverance You are the depth inside me and a greater distance

A story maybe I will write a story with the letters U & S together Be it a sad one or a plain comedic story told by so many It will begin with a pretty introduction like “So I’ve met a boy” With hopes of not finishing it ever with the words “The End” To be honest, I don’t know how to write a story Do you actually end with a climax? Or do you introduce your characters at the end?

How will I start writing about someone when all I have is a pretty unexplainable plot?

Plot twist - I’d be left with one thought: stay away with the pen I’d still be writing a story but only us can understand A story of a girl and a boy and a vast ocean or a story of two people with a crappy connection Friends but kind of want to be more than friends; so in love but trying not to be Its like measuring a glass of water; sometimes half full, sometimes half empty Oh, If he ever come across with my stories one day I hope he won’t be as confused as he is right now Writing a story about someone has never been my forte nor my favorite thing But I hope one day he’d see the good in combining the most odd letters in the alphabet: U & S

Heights Stuck here In between longer pauses Do you really love me or the idea of me?

Say it and let me long for the consequences Sitting here With thoughts of not moving anymore Let me stay here, for myself and for you Until I forget the distance from where I am and your heart Looking up Convincing myself I'm enough I'm full of words; I'm full of intertwining conversations But not enough to make you fully answer back I will never guard you with my words You are free to make another conversation You are free to explore another breathing flesh You are free from the blackbird inside my shelf I'll be staying here quietly not moving I'll wait for your answer even if it takes forever I was never scared of heights But this time, I think I am

12:01am Your face, what a wonderful distraction Beaming of million truths and deep thoughts An introduction like some sort of prologue I cannot seem to break down in words Strange noise often interrupts our quiet company Was it the people outside or my heart inside?

I wouldn't know, I guess I'm drawn to the image of you in my mind Tell me all your worries and stories Let them out like letting a rope slip through your hand Like placing a tiny part of you to every strange part of me Up, my chest, we have our own little story

This is where I will leave you It may not be written in any book, but it is written In memory flicks and foreign country In the affinity of our affection In our so-called world and serenity We were once the sign and the letter A secret language and a resting place to one another The October sky and the February mess We were once whole with the hurricane and haze I will leave a blank for what I don’t know For I will never know what is in between comforting and hurting I may have found a place for everything in these pages – Perhaps, for now, this is where I will leave you

Credits: (for the illustrations & photography)      

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