Readers’ Scribes
Something to share? HEIGHTISM I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years. “This is Beth,” I said, introducing my kid. “And what’s Beth short for?” he asked. “Because she’s only three,” I answered.
SPECIAL PRINT ORDER A man goes into a print shop and says, “I would like ten copies of my CV please.” “No problem,” comes the reply from behind the counter. “But I want it my way,” says the man. “What do you mean ‘your way’?” asks the print shop assistant. The man says, “Well, I want the Powerpoint document to run into a different number of pages than my original. To choose its own typeface and size. Can the columns all get shaken up and add some different colours in the text and background. “I don’t have the time to do all that!” replies the print shop assistant. “Well, you did yesterday!” replied the customer.
TWO SALESMAN SKIVING Sid and Barry head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only nine holes. Sid offers Barry, “Let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot £5 on the lowest score for the day.” Barry agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barry is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball, you look over there,” he says to Sid. After five minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barry pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.
The dog keeps woofing down my food.
Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five quid?!?” “What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!” “And a liar, too!” Sid says with amazement. “I’ve been standing on your golf ball for the last five minutes!”
BRAVE WIFE A husband and wife entered a dentist’s office. The wife said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or novocaine because I am in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.” “You are a brave woman,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”
COVERING THE BIRD We visited our newly-married daughter, who was preparing her first Christmas dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey. Our daughter turned to my wife and said, “Mum, you always did it that way.” “Yes,” my wife replied, “but you don’t have a cat!”
IT’S NOT FOR EVERYONE What is tact? Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic.
REVIVED 45 A man spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The man is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
THE WORLD’S MOST-USED LIES (CLEAN VERSION) Having a great time. Wish you were here! It’s a good thing you came in today. It’s the last one we have. You made it yourself? I would have never guessed.
So we put her on a vegan diet.
Go ahead and tell me, I won’t tell another soul. It’s delicious but I can’t eat another bite. The doctor will call you right back. You don’t look a day over 50. Your baby is just beautiful. Put the map away. I know where we are.
OUT OUT I love going outdoors. It’s so much easier than going out windows.
NICE SHOES People who say I’m pretentious need to walk a mile in my Louis Vuitton’s.
RIGHT NEIGHBOURLY My neighbour, she’s single, shapely, beautiful, and she lives right across the road. I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the road, up my driveway and knocked on my door. I opened the door, she looked at me and spoke. “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?” I quickly replied, “No, absolutely I’m free!” “Great” she said.” Can you look after my dog?”
She is doing really well.
She’s eaten two so far.
F E L I X T H E C O PY C AT 34 | FEBRUARY 2024
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