30 | READERS’ SCRIBES | QUICK PRINT PRO | September 2014
TWO SNAILS WENT TO A CAR RACE. There were twenty six cars, so instead of numbers the cars were identified by letters from A to Z. As the race started, the S car quickly sped away from the trailing pack of cars. Seeing this, the one snail said to the other, “Hey, look at that S car go!”
SALES LADY SLAGGED OFF A blonde pushes her BMW into a garage. She tells the mechanic, ‘It died.’ After working on the car for only a few minutes it runs nicely and idles smoothly. The young lady asks, ‘What’s the story?’ The mechanic replies, ‘Just crap in the carburettor.’ After a moments contemplation, the blonde asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’
UK TOP HUMOUR Comedian John Cleese, of Monty Python fame, was on American TV recently and was asked to describe the difference between British and American people. In reply Cleese said that there were three basic differences from the British viewpoint: 1. ‘We speak English and you don’t.’ 2. ‘When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries to play, as well.’ 3. ‘When you meet the head of state in Great Britain, you only have to go down on one knee.’
it is!’ The accountant signs back, ‘Okay! Okay! The money’s hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!’ The Godfather says, ‘Well, what did he say?’ The attorney interprets to the Godfather, ‘He says that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.
TIME FLIES A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him. To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid. The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall.”
the mortician. ‘Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Clive with them two assholes!’’
MATHS PROVES ALL There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
WHAT IS WITH PRINTERS AND POEMS? Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps, Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants! I’m about to tell you a story I’ve never heard before, so pull up a chair and sit on the floor. Admission is free, so pay at the door. One fine day, in the middle of the night, two, dead boys got up to fight. Back to back, they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys. If you don’t believe my lies are true, ask the blind man, he saw it too!
ROCK ON HONEY
A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was USA BOTTOM getting married for the fourth time. HUMOUR The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and The National Game warden put out the commentator asked about what a warning to all hikers in his area. IRONY – it felt to be married again at that Warning that they should wear small SALESMAN BURNT age and would she share part of her bells on their boots so not to startle A salesman named Clive died in a previous experiences, since it seem the bears. To distinguish the grizzly fire and was burnt pretty bad. The quite unique the fact that her new bear the notice read-- small bears morgue needed someone to identify husband was a ‘funeral director.’ droppings are small with nut and the body. So his two best sales After a short time to think, a smile berries in it. Grizzly bear droppings came to her face and she proudly are much larger with nuts and berries friends, Simon and Mark, were sent for. explained that she had first married and little tiny bells in it. Simon went in and the mortician a banker when she was in her AMERICAN PAY OFF pulled back the sheet. Simon said, twenties, in her forties she married a ‘Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him circus ring master, and in her sixties The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three over.’ So the mortician rolled him over she married a pastor and now in her and Simon looked and said, ‘Nope, eighties, a funeral director. million dollars is it ain’t Clive.’ The mortician thought The amazed commentator asked The attorney, using sign language, her why she had married men with asks the accountant where the three that was rather strange. Then he brought Mark to identify such diverse carriers. With a smile million dollars is. The accountant on her face she explained, ‘I married signs back, ‘I don’t know what you’re the body and Mark took a look at one for the money, two for the show, talking about.’ The attorney interprets him and said, ‘Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.’ The mortician three to get ready, and four to go.’ to the Godfather, ‘He doesn’t know rolled him over and Mark looked what you’re talking about.’ The SALES CHAT Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to down and said, ‘No, it ain’t Clive.’ The mortician asked, ‘How can you Three rather dim salesmen meet on the temple of the accountant, cocks tell?’ the street; “Windy, isn’t it? Said one. the trigger and says, ‘Ask him again Mark said, ‘Well, Clive had two “No, it’s Thursday,” said the second. where the money is!’ assholes.’ The attorney signs to the “So am I,” said the third. “Let’s go and accountant, ‘He wants to know where ‘What? He had two assholes?’ said have a beer.”
BATTLE OF THE SEXES The ways girls turn romantic guys down! HE: I’m a photographer I’ve been looking for a face like yours! SHE: I’m a plastic surgeon, I’ve been looking for a face like yours HE: Hi! Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must’ve been once, I never make the same mistake twice! HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance? SHE: No, I’d like to have some pleasure too! HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must’ve been given your share! HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry! I’ll have a headache this weekend! HE: Your face must turn a few heads! SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs! HE: Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out! SHE: Okay, get out! HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time! HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together? SHE: Nah, It was just plain bad luck!
SALES PATTER FROM PITTSBURGH A sales guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye. ‘Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?’ ‘Well,’ explains the other salesman, ‘I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out ‘I’d like a picket to Tittsburgh’ and so she sucker-punched me!’ The man continues, ‘What’s your story?’ The other sales guy explains, ‘I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of cornflakes,’ but I accidentally said, ‘You ruined my life you stupid bitch.’’
IN LOVING MEMORY Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other,” Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?” “Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualisation, association, etc. It was