Sp!lled M!lk! Vol 8

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY! SPILLY!

S M M

THE BOARD

Big Kid / EIC / physically incapable of senioritis : Maddy Laws ‘23

Big Kid Jr. / Vice EIC / why wear heels if tall: Vivian Teeley ‘24

Kid 3 / Articles / spunky and sweet : Grayson Salatto ‘25

Kid 4 / Interviews /actually knows what to do: Brinly Teeple ‘24

Kid 5 / Monthly Whispers / ghost: Amelie Deng ‘24

Surveys / cant get rid of us: Maddy Laws ‘23, Vivian Teeley ‘24

Kid 7 /??????/sweet highlights: Claire Chow ‘24

Kid 8 / Ask Tito and Chetta/ constantly screaming : Lyla Petito ‘25

Kid 9 / Ask Tito and Chetta / has life together: Ellie Turchetta ‘25

The Responsible Adult: Ms. Kim McMenamin

SURVEYS!

Survey Questions and Answers

SM Writers December 2022

DISCLAIMER: We did not include every answer to each question, or else that would be an entire book on its own. Just the ones we found funniest for each.

The winner for the “Best Answer” will be written in BIG LETTERS.

Question One: What is the perfect April fools prank? ducks. �� no further explanation.

Stealing their car stealing every piece of clothing someone owns Pregnancy tell your team there’s 7am practice then actually have 7am practice!!

“We have consult” (ends up being special schedule)

Question Two: If you want to find ______, do _________. If you hit ________ you’ve gone too far.

splash code, anything at all costs. a brick wall

the best house/eas twest/stan or carter (disclaimer, as the editor of this mag i disagree)

Love. u* m**. Rock bottom. diamonds, mining. bedrock

the holy grail/check mem basement/the outdoor harkness table

If you want to find a pot of gold, do not follow the gingers. If you hit up their mom, you’ve gone too far.

happiness, your skincare routine, the point where you find yourself restocking weekly

Question Three: Man, people who ________ creep me the f*** out.

stare at me with an intense longing of the abyss and dread of the end of the universe telling me about the eventual collapse of all humankind in a monotone voice and all the life drained from their eyes

wok

Live

follow me into the bathroom because im their splash target study

PDA

have free time at lville

Work at TJ’s

smile

drink milk straight up

Question Four: I let my discovery day kid see _______ and now there’s no way he’s enrolling.

hair in icecream

IRS

a Precalc BC class

my big red card spending

My best friend

my inability to open the lville mailboxes

The woods

the writing on library tables

Cleve tjs

dawes showers

Question Five: When I’m really tired _________ starts to turn into ___________.

my roommate…fellow debate connoisseur/conspiring partner

history/sig figs

class, my bed prison, Lawrenceville

assigned homework/optional

Avocado start to turn into freeshavocadoo. homework, making spotify playlists

Question Six: What is the best part about discovery days?

the end

more Lville plastic water bottles!!!!!

Terrorizing the children

nothing?

the asian moms

quietly thinking to myself that I could scare these children away so easily Warning kids of the treacherous danger.

laughing at how scared the touring kids are seeing the faculty want us to behave

Question Seven: When you’re really stressed, I recommend __________. Solid __% success rate.

doing hw. n/a DEARMAN/-47.82

Eating. 100 just forgetting about it. 0

dunking your head in cold water until you forget what made you stressed originally. 69

Sleeping. Solid 5% doing crew. 0.3

watching gilmore girls, 100 sleeping, 100%

Question Eight: (for you splash fellows) If i see my hunter, I swear I’m going to ___________.

pretend my phone died

Throw something at him and run

pee my pants

i might actually tackle him... im out :(

Leave start griddying

scream bloody murder

splash them with vinegar into their eye sockets. kill or be killed.

Question Nine: Best splash strategy?

pretend youre not in it

don’t be a popular kid

Leave campus

make them download life 360

betrayal

Dont get wet

honestly

Blend in with the squirrels. Works every time

pretend you’re not playing

hoodie tied up black leggings mask & sunglasses

smash the bottle out of the person’s hand and run

Question Ten: Most foul splash play you’ve ever witnessed?

teacher betraying student

spraying water into someone’s open backpack

I left campus for three days

someone dug a 30 foot hole, their target fell into the hole, bang splashed

a kid splashed a girl with a knee brace

this girl one time convinced me that she really wanted to help me find my target and helped me for like an hour then splashed me

Splashed by a squirrel

photoshopped their home screen to say eliminated

Ask S**** C******

Question Eleven: What transformative lessons have you learned from smeeting lately?

…sorry what?

dogbread

Best napping position

I should maybe give sleeping a try!

it’s reimagined

Sleeeeeeeeepppppp

not hard to nap if lights are off

Sleep is cool what not to do when you order fake ids

sleep is very important which is why i decided to sleep past the speaker

mental health is cool, chill, lit, live & woke

technology is ruining us

Question Twelve: What is your typical arrival time for morning classes? (best estimate is a-ok!!)

Question Thirteen: If I tried to give a speech to be on StuCo, I’d probably ________.

get laughed off stage

not be tall enough to reach the mic

Piss myself win

be yelled at for dropping an f-bomb on stage

Face plant walking to the podium

Question Fourteen: Thoughts on faculty playing splash?

yoinkers

unreal

It’s so weird but funny on occasion

what is life?

Slay

WHEN DO THEY LEAVE THEIR CLASSROOMS? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SPLASH THEM??

You do you, bae

that’s cheating.

YES YES YES.

really brings the community together

Question Fifteen: Thoughts on faculty playing splash?

yoinkers unreal

It’s so weird but funny on occasion what is life?

Slay

WHEN DO THEY LEAVE THEIR CLASSROOMS? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SPLASH THEM??

You do you, bae that’s cheating. YES YES YES. really brings the community together

Question Sixteen: Only psychos order ________ from starbucks.

paper bag

water

Blonde flat whites

egg circles

Black coffee

nitro cold brews

Snickerdoodle frappe

frappucinos

plain water just to get it for free

Caption This!

Teacher says “happy long weekend”/happy because you think you’ll have free time/realize they meant no saturday classes

Sophmore year/ junior year/ When senioritous hits

I go to Lawrenceville/ I go to a n elite private high school/ i gO tO sChOoL in nEw JeRsEy

He always in his own world. before coffee / during coffee / after coffee

ARTICLES

The Forgotten Milk

Maddy Laws ‘23

We all love milk (except the lactose intolerants). Why? Because it’s diverse. It can be chocolate, vanilla, strawberry (get some sanity if you like this one though), but that’s not where it matters the most. No, it is the fat composition which defines the true glory of milk. Rather its whole milk/4%, 2%, 1% or skim (ew), milk truly encompasses all the different flavors we as humans savor. So, my only question to you now is, WHERE IS THREE PERCENT MILK??? It’s not a question we typically ponder, but I pose this now because the more I think about it, the more I’ve realized what we are missing. A balance between the creamy but a little to dense flavor of whole milk and the just a little bland 2% milk. Why are we missing the best of them all? Well, I’ve pondered this question for some time, and I’ve come up with a few theories as to where the milk has disappeared to…

1) I can only think that for a milk composition so perfect, that once entered into circulation, it would have to be the most popular milk of all. Sales would skyrocket, everyone would want milk. More cows are making the milk too. So, one can only question: who wouldn’t benefit from this? Well, here’s my first theory: the vegans and lactose intolerants teamed up to rid this world of 3% milk once and for all, knowing that if it had gone into circulation they would have lived every day yearning for the sweet milky delight without being able to drink it. They stole the 3% milk from stores, then hacked into the grocery stores and reported 3% milk as the most poorly selling milk, even when it was in super high

demand, until the point where stores stopped selling it. However, legend has it, all the 3% milk is still out there, hidden, waiting, watching for the right time to change our lives.

2) In the height of all of those health trends, with the creation of almond milk as a healthier alternative to real milk, the supreme milkman deity viewed these times with disdain. How could humans attempt to replace such a perfect drink with a mediocre one just for one’s health? In a fit of rage, the supreme milkman deity revoked the human’s ability to create 3% milk, leaving us with only whole, 2%, 1%, and skim as punishment, until we can once more truly learn to appreciate real milk.

3) Perhaps 3% milk is so special, so perfect, humans cannot fathom how amazing it is. We are not yet ready for the glory this milk brings. Yet as humans grew to take milk for granted, the supreme milkmaid deity declared us unfit for the perfection of 3% milk, and banished it from the earth. All milk 3% would turn skim, leaving us without our perfect milk. However, that’s not to say it doesn’t exist. No, the last remnants of 3% milk have been saved, for only those who are truly worthy might taste it. The last bit of 3% milk is stored in the holy grail. When the chosen one drinks this special drink, they will finally unlock the means to synthesize 3% milk from that of whole. But in order to find the last bits of milk, one must be pure of heart and stupid enough to care. Legend says it might never be found.

Anyways, if you happen to be that chosen one, you mind hopping on that? I’ve got major assessments coming up and could use some 3% milk to cool me off. Seriously though, if you actually can please make me some 3% milk I need to try that. NEED.

Where is Irwin? A Love Story

“Irwin, oh Irwin? Where did you go?” My voice echoed through the construction site. Where Irwin once stood, where I had eaten many meals over the past two years, had disappeared over winter break, leaving behind nothing. The view from the upstairs of the KMSC suggested that Irwin was never coming back. Our love had been cut short, leaving me alone, longing for the comforts the food once provided.

Irwin, you were more than just a dining hall to me. You were my home, my soulmate. With your delicious meals like Hotdog Au Fromage and Hamburger Soup, you nourished and fueled me after a long day of school and practice. Sometimes, the school was even graced with the blessing of fried cod, leaving me hungry, and wanting more.

But when I returned to Lawrenceville for Spring term, my heart sank to my stomach. You no longer stood, the tinted windows inviting me in for a meal. There was no aroma of the days cooking. Instead, you lay in ruins, a symbol of the way I was after winter finals.

Approaching you, on my way to my new love, Tsai, I sensed your hate. The machines and construction crews swarmed around you, cleaning you up, putting you in piles. My heart was in pieces, but I knew it was time to move on, as Tsai was here now to comfort me and bring me joy.

I still miss you everyday, but I know that everyone will be better off with Tsai. I love you, and I always will, even though your reminiscence is only sheltered deep in the archives in the Bunn Library. The pods, Hotdog Au Fromage, and Hamburger Soup will always hold a special place in my heart.

The Shocking Truth about the Paths at Lawrenceville l l l

In an investigation that has left students and faculty absolutely shocked, a recent investigation into the indirect paths on Lawrenceville’s campus has discovered the truth. It turns out that these intricate paths are not just walkways. They are elaborate labyrinths that are designed to test the mental strength and navigational skills of students. At first, students might assume all of the paths crisscrossing on campus are designed for aesthetic and symmetry. However, this is it the truth at all. It turns out that the architects at Lawrenceville secretly have an obsession with indirect paths and students being tardy to class. Upon the first time stepping foot on campus, students are immediately confused. The paths, which seem to lead to common destinations such as Pop, the KMSC, houses, and Tsai, quickly become mazes, many students not knowing which one to take. Some students say that they have spent hours wandering around, unable to find their way to their class on time. Students, on many mornings, will show up to class with their shoes wet, covered in grass, having to explain to their teacher the hassle of having to walk through the grass, at the risk of being late to their class.

So, next time you find yourself visiting late to class, be prepared for a true test of your speed walking skills. Even if the paths appear quick and direct at first glance, they may make you tardy because they are far more complicated than any problem set or class that you will take during your time at Lawrenceville! Good luck and always think: is it worth taking the long way, or getting my shoes wet?

First Love A Sad Farewell

Madeleine Laws ‘23

The first spilled milk section I ever wrote for was articles. As a scared, little freshman who didn’t want to get scolded by the Lawrence for her poor grammar, I took a leap and wrote a Spilled Milk article on one of the worlds most true and practical topics: where to hide a dead body. Fast forward, to junior year where I became editor of the articles section, and to now, as EIC (not ECI, i’ve finally figured it out!!)

Now, I could get sentimental in reflecting on how much I will miss this magazine, but instead I’m going to guilt trip all of you reading this (which better be thousands). Come on. Write for spilled milk. Literally we’re so funny and we don’t care if you mispell words. Its been a great experience to have this magazine in my life, bringing joy to me in several ways, whether it be the jokes, the board, or my frustration with being incapable of working indesign. My only wish as I prepare to graduate is that the legacy continues for years to come (and that more boys join the board. please bring back gender diversity!!!)

Soooooooo... if spilled milk has ever made you giggle when you were down, or just burst out laughing awkwardly in the middle of class when you were supposed to be doing productive work, I know my mission has been accomplished, and I entrust you all to continue the legacy. Cheers to a new era!

The Minds of Club Stan Chaperones

Brinly Teeple ‘24

Have you ever wondered what sort of insanity drives a faculty member to give up their lovely weekend to supervise a horde of screaming, yelling, children, also known as a dance? Well, you’re in luck, as here we deliver a fun insight into the minds of these chaperones at one of the best dances on campus, Club Stan!

Question 1: Name?

Dr. Noboa Berman (DCNB)

Ms. Selan

Ms. Gold

Stock

Question 2: Favorite dance move you’ve seen tonight?

Dr. Noboa Berman (DCNB) - Jumping up and down not in time to the music

Ms. Selan - Macarena

Ms. Gold - The mosh is pretty fun. They got the floor going.

Stock - “What have I seen tonight? The sprinkler.” “Really?” “Just put it down.”

Question 3: What would you be doing if you weren’t here?

Dr. Noboa Berman (DCNB) - Sleeping

Ms. Selan - I’d be asleep

Ms. Gold - Sleeping

Stock - Sleeping and watching basketball

Question 4: Best thing you’ve seen?

Dr. Noboa Berman (DCNB) - the lights are pretty

Ms. Selan - all the happiness

Ms. Gold - The uniform of guys in Hawaiian shirts.

Stock - *redacted*

Question 5: Favorite song?

Dr. Noboa Berman (DCNB) - Mr. Bright Side

Ms. Selan - “what’s that killers song” “Mr. Bright Side?” “yes”

Ms. Gold - Single Ladies

Stock - Was there some Brittany Spears that happened earlier?

Question 6: Ootd?

Dr. Noboa Berman (DCNB) - Polo sweater and jeans

Ms. Selan - Vineyard Vines shirt, American Eagle jeans, Stan merch, and Vans

Ms. Gold - Lawrenceville softball gear

Stock - Lululemon x Mad Happy what I normally wear

Question 7: What have you learned while chaperoning?

Dr. Noboa Berman (DCNB) - I should stop signing up to chaperone.

Ms. Selan - I don’t want to say/ this building has more structural integrity than I thought it did

Ms. Gold - Mem has a basement.

Stock - Of my dislike of dance events

Question 7: How do you feel about the mosh?

Dr. Noboa Berman (DCNB) - I hope the floor doesn’t give out.

Ms. Selan - I’m pretty metal so I’m pro mosh. There’s no crowd surfing

I don’t know why.

Ms. Gold - Less good because mem has a basement.

Stock - *blank stare* I don’t know

A Call to Action

Mads ‘23

Oh Tsai, oh Tsai.

how we love you dear. With your several wok stations and kegs of root beer. Yet amid your great beauty, a new problem grows.

That no longer do we have 6 milk dispensers but only three of those.

When I go to get chocky milk after practice, my heart often sinks in despair. To discover so tragically there is no more milk left there.

And so in these trifling times I ask restore our milk so dear.

So that when I come back after break, I might pour me some ice cold milk here... or spill it ;)

MONTHLY WHISPERERS

Monthly Whispers

Whispers are quotes that you, the Lawrenceville students, send us that are funny, weird, or out of context. Studies show that there are about 100 Whispers every day, but not all are sent to us. Here are the best of the ones that were. You’re welcome.

“First you compost a banana then an orange then maybe a napkin. Then a human”

“I can draw hot ankles”

“I’m gonna need so much caffeine before that date”

“i feel like, personally, you look a lot like robert pattinson. idk if ive told u this before. yk, batman. cedric diggory. the vampire dude”

“If you were a beverage what would you be?” “Cough syrup.”

“I look seductive as pasta”

“2008 recession was a slay girlboss time in our country”

“My umbilical cord is buried on Princeton campus”

“You look like an egg” “say that agin” you look like an e-*gets slapped*”

“This is how your computers get STI’s. You’re just plugging it in hoping it will fit.”

“i voted for bryce. i flipped a coin”

“if i don’t get a major before senior spring, i would repeat”

“Isn’t Shakespeare, like, a founding father?”

Ask Tito & Chetta

Anonymous responses, anonymous writers

Question #1: How do I have a successful long distance relationship?

The best way to survive a long distance relationship is to simply not be in one. If you get married to your high school boyfriend, what does that say about you? However, if you do find yourself in the long distance trap, here are some tips:

1. WE DON’T KNOW WE’RE NOT IN LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WE ARE NOT THE PEOPLE TO ASK. Ask your seniors... oh wait. They’re the ones asking for this advice.

Question #2: What is the best house that’s not your own and why?

Hamill. Its very pretty. On the outside. Maybe not so much on the inside. But I guess that’s up for debate. Hamill thinks that they’re so different and quirky because they’re right on main streeet and they’re not made of red brick but in reality they are just the same as all of us; a weird cult no one else will ever understand.

Have you ever considered what the people who live on Main Street think when we do our house runs? Surprised there hasn’t been a 911 call.

Question #3: What’s the secret to a good nickname?

In order to have a good nickname, just have sick last names. That’s all there is to it. If you’re not blessed with a good last name, then you should be stressed. You’re never getting a nickname. Live with it.

Question #4: How many holes does a straw have?

Here is the natural reaction from your one and only Tito: Well there’s obviously only one because it’s a straw... oh wait. nevermind.

As Tito spent a whole 5 minutes piecing together her thoughts, we have come to this conclusion: it’s a cylinder. it’s not that deep.

Question #5: Why am I sticky?

While we’d rather not concern ourselves with the process you took to get yourself in a sticky situation, we have some recommendations as to how you could unstickify yourself.

1. The good old classic shower always hits the spot. Hot water only.

2. Bleach yourself. It might undo your tan but let’s be real we’re about to hide in Bunn library for finals week anyways. It’ll come back.

3. Go to the infirm it’s obviously a you problem.

Question #6: How do you feel that it’s your last issue of this year?

Like we’re lowkey fine with it, we don’t get paid and it’s our side quest to our mission to get an award at the underformer prize ceremony. But clearly that didn’t work. Bye pookies!

THANKS FOR READING

- tito and chetta <3