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Lovehoney pulls back the covers on sexual wellness and intimacy at every stage of motherhood

Background Welcome to the Lovehoney Mama Sutra...

As the UK's leading expert in sexual wellness, Lovehoney believes that pleasure, intimacy, and self-care should be part of every stage of lifeincluding motherhood.

Motherhood transforms every aspect of life - including our relationship with sex and intimacy. Yet, pre and postnatal sex remains a taboo topic. That’s why we have created The Lovehoney Mama Sutra eBook. Here to pull back the covers on a topic that’s all too often surrounded by silence, stigma, or misinformation.

With motherhood comes a whirlwind of changes - physically, emotionally, and in our relationships. Yet, these experiences are rarely discussed, acknowledged, or truly understood - whether that’s in the media, among loved ones, or even with our partners. Motherhood is a deeply personal journey that can be both beautiful and overwhelming at the same time.

Whether it’s navigating postpartum recovery, rediscovering intimacy after childbirth, adjusting to a changing body, or simply seeking reassurance that what you’re feeling is normal - you’re in the right place.

A one-stop resource for expert guidance and real-life perspectives on sexual wellbeing throughout every phase of motherhood, Lovehoney has teamed up with leading campaigner, broadcaster and writer, Anna Whitehouse, aka Mother Pukka, to break the silence on the topic, bringing together insights from top sexual health and relationship experts alongside real stories from three incredible mums at various stages of motherhood.

Let’s open up the conversation, break the taboos, and make space for every mum to feel informed, empowered, and supported when it comes to their sexual wellbeing. Because motherhood and pleasure are not mutually exclusive – and this is a conversation that’s long overdue.

Foreword by Anna Whitehouse

Campaigner, author, journalist and mother

Sex after motherhood. Even saying those words feels like stepping into some uncharted, slightly awkward territory. Prebaby, it’s all smouldering glances, lingerie sets, and spontaneous passion. Then suddenly, you’re postpartum, leaking from places you never thought possible, surviving on three hours of sleep, and wondering whether you’ll ever feel like yourself againlet alone feel sexy.

I’m Anna Whitehouse, founder of Mother Pukka, campaigner, and mother to three girls. I got involved in Lovehoney’s Mama Sutra because, quite frankly, sex and intimacy after kids is something we need to talk about more. It’s not just about ‘getting back to normal’, because what is normal after you’ve grown and birthed a whole human? It’s about understanding your body, finding confidence in the chaos, and redefining pleasure on your own terms.

I remember the first time I tried to be intimate after giving birth. I was so aware of my body - how it had changed, how I felt in it, how my partner saw it. Everything that had once felt effortless suddenly needed recalibrating. My boobs weren’t just for show anymore; they were functional, occasionally rockhard, milk-producing entities. I had to learn a whole new way of being in my skin - and it wasn’t easy.

What surprised me most was the mental shift. Nobody tells you about the overwhelming protectiveness that can make even a touch feel intrusive. Nobody talks about the fact that, yes, you can feel hornier than ever when you’re pregnant, but post-birth, you might not even want to be looked at, let

alone touched. Nobody prepares you for the physical realities either - the scar tissue, the discomfort, the sheer exhaustion that can make the idea of sex feel about as appealing as running a marathon. And yet, intimacy doesn’t have to mean diving straight back into the deep end. A kiss, a lingering touch, the simple act of holding hands againthese things matter.

I think there’s a real ‘Madonna-Whore’ complex when it comes to motherhood and sex. Before kids, we’re sold this idea of women as sexual, desirable, spontaneous creatures. After kids, it’s as if we’ve been put on a shelf labelled ‘mother’ and quietly stripped of any sexual agency. Brands, media, society at large - it’s like they stop acknowledging that we might still want pleasure, still need connection. But here’s the thing: motherhood doesn’t erase your sexuality. You don’t stop being a woman the moment you become a mum.

When I was navigating those early months postpartum, I found myself desperate for reassurance that what I was feeling was normal. That struggling with body confidence, libido, and intimacy didn’t mean I was broken. And that’s exactly why this eBook exists. The Mama Sutra: is here to remind you that wherever you are on your journey, whether you’re raring to go or still working out how you feel, it’s okay. There is no right way to return to intimacy and selfconfidence, no deadline you have to meet.

My biggest piece of advice? Take the pressure off. A hug is intimacy. A kiss in the kitchen while the baby sleeps is connection.

A moment of self-care, whether that’s a bath, a solo orgasm, or just putting on fresh underwear, can be an act of reclaiming your body for yourself. There’s no rush. Your body has done something extraordinary, and it deserves kindness. So, to every mother who’s ever wondered if she’ll feel like ‘herself’ again - I promise, you will. It might not look exactly the same as before, but that’s not a bad thing. In fact, it might just be the beginning of something even better.

"When I was navigating those early months postpartum, I found myself desperate for reassurance that what I was feeling was normal. That struggling with body confidence, libido, and intimacy didn’t mean I was broken."

Anna Whitehouse

The Mama Sutra: Pregnancy

Pregnancy brings a whirlwind of changes, and that includes shifts in sexual desire. Some people find themselves feeling more connected to their bodies and eager for intimacy, while others experience a drop in libido.

And this can change throughout the journey – with studies showing that, generally, people see a decline in sexual intercourse in the first trimester, a gradual increase during the second, and then a steady drop in libido towards the end of pregnancy. But what’s clear is that there’s no ‘normal’ way to feel and everyone’s journey is unique.

Sex during pregnancy can also require some adjustments. As the body changes, certain positions may become uncomfortable, and physical symptoms like nausea, fatigue, or soreness can impact intimacy. However, with a little creativity and communication, many couples find ways to maintain closeness, whether through physical intimacy or other forms of connection.

Search trends reveal that, on average, 4,400 people in the UK search daily for "Can you have sex during pregnancy?" Other high-ranking queries, such as "Is having sex during pregnancy safe?" and "Is it safe to have sex during pregnancy?" receive between two thousand four hundred and three thousand six hundred searches per month. Clearly, there's a lot of curiosity, and Lovehoney is here to help.

This chapter explores the realities of sex during pregnancy. From common concerns to practical tips, it provides guidance for navigating intimacy during this transformative time.

Whether experiencing a surge in desire, a dip in interest, or something in between, understanding these changes can help mothers-to-be and couples maintain a healthy, connected approach to intimacy.

What’s going on with the body during pregnancy?

Understanding the body's changes during pregnancy can help explain shifts in sexual desire and intimacy. However, it's important to remember that everyone's journey is unique and may not follow a standard path. While this information explores the biological changes and their potential impact on sexual desire during pregnancy, it is not a definitive guide. Some women may maintain a high libido throughout, while others experience consistently low desire. Libido can also vary from one pregnancy to another.

It’s completely normal to experience these changes, as the body focuses on the critical early stages of pregnancy. While the first trimester may be challenging for some in terms of libido, these shifts are temporary and often ease as the pregnancy progresses.

The first trimester

Navigating the early storm: Hormonal shifts and emotional adjustments

During the first trimester (weeks 1 to 12) of pregnancy, a woman's body undergoes significant hormonal changes as levels of hCG, oestrogen, and progesterone rise rapidly. These changes often trigger a variety of early pregnancy symptoms. Morning sickness, fatigue, and heightened sensitivity in the breasts and genitals are common as the body adjusts to the new hormonal environment. The surge in these hormones is essential for supporting the growing baby, but it can also leave women feeling physically drained and emotionally vulnerable.

As a result, many women experience a dip in libido during this time. The combination of nausea, constant tiredness, and emotional shifts that accompany pregnancy, can reduce interest in intimacy.

The second trimester

A time of renewal: Rediscovering energy and intimacy

In the second trimester (weeks 13 to 26), many women begin to feel a sense of relief as some of the early pregnancy symptoms subside. Morning sickness typically fades, and energy levels start to rise, making this period feel like a more comfortable phase. Hormonal changes continue to support the growing baby, and the body adapts, with the abdomen expanding to accommodate the developing foetus. Breasts may remain tender or even grow, and women may notice increased blood flow, causing their skin to glow and hair to become thicker.

Libido during the second trimester often sees a resurgence for many women. As fatigue lessens and nausea subsides, many experience a boost in sexual desire. The increase in lubrication, along with heightened sensitivity, makes intimacy feel more pleasurable. This period is often marked by greater sexual arousal, with many women feeling their most connected to their bodies, making the second trimester a time of increased intimacy and physical enjoyment.

The third trimester

Preparing for the final stretch: Emotional bonds and physical discomforts

In the third trimester (weeks 27 to 40), the body prepares for labour and delivery, with significant hormonal changes occurring. As pregnancy progresses, oxytocin levels rise in preparation for childbirth. Known as the "bonding hormone," oxytocin helps stimulate uterine contractions and fosters emotional connections, both with the baby and between partners. This surge in oxytocin can deepen the emotional bond as the couple anticipates the arrival of their baby.

However, the physical discomforts of the third trimester, such as a growing belly, back pain, and increased fatigue, can lower libido. This can make sexual activity less appealing for some women. Despite the decrease in sexual desire, emotional intimacy often deepens during this period. The anticipation of childbirth, along with the physical closeness of the relationship, fosters a stronger emotional connection between partners as they prepare for the new arrival. The third trimester becomes a time to nurture the emotional bond, even as physical intimacy becomes less frequent.

The Hornometer Red indicates an increased libido and more sexual desire

It’s really common for couples to worry that sex might harm the baby, but in a healthy pregnancy, this simply isn’t true. The baby is well protected by the amniotic sac, the uterus, and a thick mucus plug in the cervix.

Unless a healthcare provider advises against it due to specific complications, sex is completely safe throughout pregnancy.

Sarah

Mulindwa,

Sexual Health & Wellness Expert & Sexual Health Nurse

Body talk: Changes during pregnancy

The first trimester

The first trimester can bring a whirlwind of emotions - excitement, anxiety, and physical discomfort - all of which can affect intimacy. Many women experience fatigue, nausea, and sensitivity that can affect libido and that’s completely normal. It’s very common for a woman to experience a heightened sense of smell (Hyperosmia), which can lead to nausea and even feeling repulsed by her partner’s body odour due to the hormonal changes during the first trimester.

The key is to listen to your body and find out what feels good for you. Explore different forms of self-pleasure. Get yourself as comfortable as possible and consider incorporating a sex toy.

If you have a partner, communicate openly with them. Rather than focusing on what intimacy 'should' look like, explore new ways to connect. Expressing how you’re feeling, both physically and emotionally, allows your partner to support you without pressure or expectation.

With the rapid changes to the body causing nausea and tiredness, experiment with positions where you can connect, while at the same time, feel safe and relaxed. For example, The Modified Missionary as below:

Masturbation pose

The Pillow Palace

Prop yourself up on a big pile of pillows and support your knees by putting more cushions underneath them. This supports your pregnant body while also giving you easy access to your clitoris. Try propping your bum up a bit on a cushion and adjust to try different angles.

Remember, don’t put too much pressure on yourself. If you’re not in the mood for masturbation, consider other forms of self-care that feel nice for your body instead (a warm bath, gentle exercise or applying body lotion).

Sex pose Modified Missionary

This classic position can work well in the early stages of pregnancy when the bump is not yet prominent. Partners face each other lying down with the giver on top, adding intimacy through opportunities for eye contact. To enhance comfort, a slight modificationsuch as placing a pillow under the hips or having the partner support their weight to reduce pressure - can make the experience more enjoyable.

If you’re not in the mood for penetrative sex, participate in other forms of intimacy with your partner (such as cuddling, holding hands or giving each other a massage). Every pregnancy is unique, and so is your experience - what matters most is maintaining trust and closeness in a way that feels right.

The second trimester

The second trimester is often considered the "honeymoon phase" of pregnancy. Many women feel more energetic and experience a boost in libido as nausea and fatigue from the first trimester fade. However, changes in body shape and increased sensitivity might still require some adjustments.

It’s a great time to explore different types of intimacy and self-pleasure, whether that’s experimenting with masturbation, sex positions with a partner or simply enjoying each other’s company through non-sexual forms of affection like holding hands or sharing quiet moments.

If you’re not feeling up for penetrative sex but still want that physical connection, your partner could give you a gentle massage (for example, a foot massage), which can feel amazing. You might also like to try an imitate position such as:

Sex pose Table Top

In the Table Top position the receiving partner sits or lies at the edge of a table, counter, or bed while the giving partner stands or kneels, entering face-to-face. It fosters deep emotional connection with eye contact and allows the receiver to control the tempo and depth of penetration, ensuring comfort. With increased energy and libido, this position provides comfort by not putting pressure on the belly, allowing for greater intimacy and control during changing body dynamics.

Intimacy position Spooning

Lie on your side and have your partner lie behind you and hug you. If you’d like to take things a step further, have your partner stimulate your clitoris. This is also a great, gentle position for penetrative sex (if desired).

The second trimester is a great opportunity to experiment with self pleasure too. To enjoy your potentially heightened libido, you could purchase a new sex toy or masturbate in different positions that feel comfortable.

If you have a partner, communicating openly with them about what feels right will help both of you stay connected and comfortable as your body continues to change. A sex position you may like to try during this period of pregnancy:

The third trimester

The third trimester brings its own set of challenges as physical discomforts like back pain, restless leg syndrome, and the growing belly may make traditional sexual activity feel less appealing. Use this time as an opportunity to focus more on emotional connection and intimacy through touch, cuddling, or even shared laughter. Some couples find that mutual masturbation or other forms of non-penetrative intimacy help maintain closeness without discomfort.

As you prepare for childbirth, this is a good time to lean on each other emotionally, talk about your upcoming transition into parenthood, and deepen the bond in ways that don’t always involve sex but still feel deeply intimate.

It’s a commonly held belief that sex can bring on labour for those looking to induce themselves naturally.

According to Sarah Mulindwa, Lovehoney’s Sexual Health & Wellness Expert & Sexual Health Nurse, “Despite it being a commonly held view, there isn't much evidence to suggest having sex brings on labour. However, orgasms release oxytocin, which can cause uterine contractions. Other labour induction methods to try with your partner include nipple stimulation, which can increase oxytocin levels."

Some ‘positions to consider’…

Spooning

In the spooning position, both partners lie on their sides, with the giving partner behind the receiving partner, aligning their bodies in a close embrace. This position allows for gentle penetration. Spooning is ideal during the third trimester as it provides maximum comfort and minimal strain on the belly. It reduces pressure on the abdomen and allows for slow, gentle movements that can accommodate the bump. The position fosters closeness, making it easier to maintain intimacy without causing discomfort.

Foot and Hand Massages

The third trimester often brings swelling and discomfort, making gentle foot and hand massages a simple yet powerful act of care. Whether massaging your own hands and feet with a nourishing oil or having a partner do it for you, this ritual encourages relaxation and mindfulness. The slow, intentional touch is a way of expressing love to yourself or receiving it from your partner, creating an intimate and grounding experience.

Bathing

Turning a bath into a loving ritual transforms a daily act into something deeply soothing. Adding elements like Epsom salts, essential oils (pregnancy-safe choices like lavender), soft candlelight, and calming music creates a sanctuary for self-connection. Taking the time to soak, breathe, and reflect on the transformation your body is going through can be a profound act of self-love. A partner can support by preparing the bath or sitting nearby to share in the peaceful moment together.

Advice to partners

Pregnancy brings massive changes, and as a partner, the best thing you can do is embrace the shift rather than resist it. Expect intimacy to ebb and flow - some days, they might want nothing more than a long cuddle, and other days, they could be feeling more adventurous (especially during the second trimester when energy and libido often peak). Small acts of love - like unloading the dishwasher, running a bath, or rubbing their feetcan be incredibly sexy because they show support and care. As they reach full term, physical touch like kissing, gentle massages, and simply holding them can offer immense comfort, even if sex isn't on the table. The key is communication - check in with them, be patient, and remember that intimacy is about connection, not just sex.

Lovehoney: The Mama Sutra

Nell’s story

Nell is a 30 year-old Mum who has a young daughter and is currently 30 weeks pregnant with baby number two.

The past couple of years have been a whirlwind. Two pregnancies in two years, a toddler to chase around and another baby on the way - it’s been a journey I could never have fully prepared for. Right now, I’m rapidly heading toward life with two under two, and as exciting as it is, I’ve had to navigate unexpected shifts in my body, mind, and relationship - especially when it comes to intimacy.

When I got pregnant the first time, my interest in sex completely dropped off. Despite feeling more at peace with my body than ever before, I just didn’t want to be touched. Pregnancy felt deeply personal, something entirely mine, and I felt like no one else, including my husband, could truly understand what I was going through. He was patient and supportive, but we only had sex three times in nearly ten months.

I was still comfortable with self-love, but I wasn’t open to anyone else being involved. Looking back, I think it was because carrying the baby felt so entirely mine.

At first, I felt guilty. No one warns you that pregnancy might make you feel this way.

I had expected the stereotypical surge in hormones, the kind of heightened desire you see in movies, but that wasn’t my reality. Because no one talks about it, I felt alone in my experience.

Eventually, we found ways to stay connected beyond sex - cuddling, bath time together, and date nights. Small acts of intimacy that didn’t feel like pressure.

After our daughter was born, things slowly got better. But then, I got pregnant again, and everything changed.

This time, I feel like I could have sex all the time. My body is full of energy, craving connection in a way that feels completely foreign compared to last time.

The irony? Now, it’s my husband who’s exhausted. Our daughter still doesn’t sleep through the night, and he’s running on fumes. I can see his confusion, wondering where this shift has come from. Honestly? I don’t really know either. Pregnancy is unpredictable - no two experiences are the same.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that we don’t talk about this enough. No one told me it was normal to feel completely detached from sex in one pregnancy and insatiable in the next.

I spent months feeling guilty, like I was letting myself and my relationship down, when in reality, my body was just doing what it needed. If more people shared their experiences, maybe we wouldn’t feel so lost, so unsure of what’s ‘normal.’

What I do know is that intimacy isn’t just about sex. It’s about patience, small acts of love, and adapting when things change.

Whether that means quiet nights with a hand on my belly or stolen moments of passion when energy allows - it all counts. And as we prepare for life with two under two, I trust that we’ll find our way, again and again.

The Mama Sutra: Postpartum

The postpartum period, often called the "fourth trimester," is a time of physical recovery, emotional adjustment, and transformation. While new mothers focus on their baby’s needs, it’s equally important to acknowledge their own wellbeing.

This stage typically spans the first 12 weeks after childbirth, but its effects on self-image and sexual health can last for months, years or indefinitely.

This transition is part of matrescence, a term coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the mid 1970s, which describes the profound psychological and physiological shifts that occur as a woman becomes a mother. Much like adolescence, matrescence involves hormonal fluctuations, identity shifts, and emotional challenges.

For many women, the transition into motherhood brings complex changes to their relationship with intimacy. Our research reveals that 49% of Brits report having less frequent sex after having a baby. These shifts can be influenced by hormonal changes, exhaustion, and body confidence struggles, making it challenging to reconnect with partners, or yourself.

Our research also indicates that up to 83% of women experience changes in sexual function postpartum, including pain, reduced libido, and body image concerns. Nearly half of new mothers report feeling disconnected from their bodies, grappling with scars, weight changes, or a new sense of unfamiliarity. These challenges can lead to anxiety around intimacy and a loss of confidence.

This chapter explores the complexities of postpartum body confidence and sexuality, offering expert advice from leading healthcare professionals on navigating these changes. You'll also hear a real-life story from a mother who found her way back to self-acceptance and pleasure after birth. From understanding the impact of hormones and pelvic floor recovery to practical strategies for rebuilding confidence, this section provides an honest, supportive, and empowering guide to rediscovering intimacy on your own terms.

By taking small, compassionate steps, you can reclaim confidence, pleasure, and a renewed connection with your body - when you're ready and in a way that feels right for you.

What’s going on?

Our experts weigh in:

Physical changes

Healing from childbirth

Healing from childbirth – whether that’s vaginal or a C-section - is a gradual process. Soreness, stitches, or perineal tearing can take weeks to heal, and postpartum bleeding (lochia) may last 4-6 weeks, making some women hesitant to resume intimacy.

Hormonal shifts

Hormonal shifts after childbirth and during breastfeeding can affect libido and intimacy. Oxytocin (the “love hormone”) can trigger milk leakage during orgasm, while prolactin (which aids milk production) lowers dopamine, reducing arousal. Testosterone, key for sexual desire, also drops. Many mothers feel “touched out” from constant physical closeness with their baby, making intimacy less appealing.. In fact, our research found that low libido is the most significant barrier to postpartum intimacy, with 25% of women citing it as their biggest concern.

Vaginal changes

After childbirth, vaginal changes can affect comfort and intimacy. Stretching, tearing, or episiotomy scars may cause discomfort during intercourse, while lower oestrogen levels can make vaginal tissues thinner and drier. These changes can lead to sensitivity or pain.

Pelvic floor weakness

Pelvic floor weakness after childbirth can impact both comfort and confidence. Weakened pelvic muscles may cause a sensation of looseness during intercourse, while urinary incontinence is also common, leading to self-consciousness.

Lovehoney findings show that low libido (25%), body confidence (20%) and physical recovery (20%) are the most significant barriers to women enjoying sex postpartum.

Emotional changes

Body image

After childbirth, emotional changes around body image can be significant. Weight gain, stretch marks, and physical scars may lead to insecurities, making some women feel disconnected from their pre-pregnancy identity. 20% of women cite this as a major concern when it comes to getting back to regular sexual activity postpartum.

Fatigue and stress

Fatigue and stress can make intimacy feel like an afterthought. The demands of caring for a newborn, combined with sleep deprivation, often leave little energy for physical connection. Additionally, postpartum depression or anxiety can affect emotional availability and reduce sexual desire.

Redefining intimacy

After childbirth, many women experience a shift in how they see their bodies, moving from a sexual being to a caregiver. This change in identity can temporarily impact libido, making intimacy feel different.

When to resume sex after childbirth:

Doctors generally recommend waiting at least four to six weeks after childbirth before resuming sex, whether after a vaginal or C-section delivery, to allow the body time to heal. This time frame may differ depending on how difficult or straightforward the birth experience is, as every birthing experience is differen. Our research highlights that 77% of mums wait at least one month after birth until having sex and many women take much longer. While 40% of British mothers wait three

to six months postpartum before having sex again, 23% wait even longer, six to nine months. This can be due to a myriad of factors, or simply not knowing what is advised. It’s important to do what is right for you, without any pressure. What’s right for you might be different for someone else, and that’s okay. Partners can help support a new mum by offering patience, emotional reassurance and non-physical affection, reminding her that healing and adjustment take time and that their external bond extends beyond intimacy.

Sarah Mulindwa

Sexual Health & Wellness Expert & Sexual Health Nurse

Expert advice

Emotional disconnect

The exhaustion of caring for a newborn can leave little room for intimacy, both physically and emotionally. Try and focus on small, meaningful moments of connection - whether that’s holding hands, cuddling, or simply checking in with one another at the end of the day. Intimacy isn’t just about sex; it’s about maintaining emotional closeness. Even short moments of undivided attention can help rebuild that connection.

Vaginal dryness

Postpartum hormonal shifts, particularly if you’re breastfeeding, can lead to vaginal dryness, which can make intimacy uncomfortable. The good news is that this is temporary, and there are simple solutions. Opt for a a high-quality water-based lubricant for immediate relief. Staying hydrated and incorporating omega-3-rich foods into your diet can also support natural lubrication. If dryness persists, speak with your doctor about possible hormonal treatments.

Pain during sex

It’s common to experience discomfort when you first resume intimacy, especially if you’ve had a perineal tear, stitches, or a C-section. The key is to go slow. Start with non-penetrative intimacy - such as sensual massages, kissing, and mutual pleasurebefore reintroducing penetration. When you do, using plenty of lubrication and opting for positions that give you control can help. If pain continues beyond the initial healing period, a pelvic health physiotherapist can assess any underlying issues and provide targeted exercises to aid recovery.

Low libido

Many women worry about a lack of desire after childbirth, but this is completely normal. Between sleep deprivation, hormonal fluctuations, and body image concerns, libido can take time to return. Instead of focusing on getting back to "normal," prioritise emotional intimacy first. Feeling desired, appreciated, and connected to your partner can naturally reignite physical desire over time. Small acts of affection - like cuddling, holding hands, or even sharing a bath - can help ease you back into intimacy without pressure.

Pelvic floor weakness

Many women worry about a lack of desire after childbirth, but this is completely normal. Between sleep deprivation, hormonal fluctuations, and body image concerns, libido can take time to return. Instead of focusing on getting back to "normal", prioritise emotional intimacy first. Feeling desired, appreciated, and connected to your partner can naturally reignite physical desire over time. Small acts of affection - like cuddling, holding hands, or even sharing a bath - can help ease you back into intimacy without pressure.

Our experts give their advice on how to navigate intimacy after childbirth…

Navigating intimacy after childbirth can feel both exciting and overwhelming. Your body has undergone immense change, and whether you’re a single parent or in a relationship, it’s natural to feel different from your pre-baby self. But different doesn’t mean lost.

Rather than chasing who you were before, embrace the person you’re becoming. Regaining intimacy - whether with a partner or within yourself - is about patience, self-compassion, and honouring your own pace. There’s no universal timeline, only what feels right for you.

Motherhood doesn’t erase your needs. Prioritising your own pleasure, connection, and confidence isn’t selfish,

Spooning

it’s essential. Every new parent experiences shifts in intimacy, and there’s no ‘right’ way to approach it. What matters most is moving forward in a way that feels good for you. The following provides advice on sex positions and tips from our experts to help you through this stage.

What you can try:

Discomfort during intimacy is one of the most common concerns new mothers have. The key to easing back into sex is realising that sex doesn’t always mean penetrative sex - intimacy can be fostered in many ways (as this book has already explored).

Spooning is often the gentlest option, allowing you to lie on your side with your partner behind you. This position reduces pressure on the abdomen, particularly helpful if you've had a C-section, and allows for slow, controlled movement. It also fosters closeness and emotional connection, which can be reassuring if you’re feeling vulnerable.

Kissing

Kissing can be a powerful way to maintain closeness, reignite passion, and strengthen emotional and physical connection with a partner. It releases feel-good hormones like oxytocin, which helps build trust and deepen bonds, making it a perfect way to ease back into intimacy at your own pace. Whether it’s slow, lingering kisses or playful pecks throughout the day, this simple act can remind you both of your desire for each other without any pressure.

Masturbation

Start slow, focusing on external stimulation rather than penetration if you’re not ready. Using a water-based lubricant can make things more comfortable, especially if hormones have caused dryness. Try exploring new sensations with your hands or a soft-touch vibrator, paying attention to what feels good without any pressure to reach orgasm. Masturbation can also help increase blood flow, relieve stress, and boost mood - perfect for those overwhelming early days of motherhood.

Sarah Mulindwa, Sexual Health & Wellness Expert & Sexual Health Nurse, encourages new mums to ease back into sex at their own pace, without pressure or guilt. "Your body has been through an incredible transformation, and it’s completely normal to feel different about intimacy after birth," she says. She advises starting with open conversations with your

partner about how you’re feeling - whether physically, emotionally, or mentally - so you can set expectations together: “Focusing on non-penetrative intimacy, like sensual touch, massage, or mutual exploration, can help rebuild confidence and desire before jumping straight into full sex”.

Essence’s story

Essence is a 26 year old, single mum with a five-year-old daughter who has recently rediscovered her sexuality.

Disclaimer – Essence’s story references abuse.

‘I never expected that becoming a mother would redefine my relationship with intimacy. But it did, completely.

Before I had my daughter, sex felt transactional. It was the glue holding together something that was already cracked beyond repair. I didn’t know what real intimacy felt like, because for so long, I had been taught that sex was the thing that defined my worth.

I was 21 when I found out I was pregnant. The relationship I was in wasn’t healthy, it was suffocating, unpredictable, and built on control. During my pregnancy, I had a high sex drive. Maybe it was the hormones, or maybe it was just one of the few ways I still felt like myself. Sex was an escape from everything else that felt overwhelming. It even eased some of the pain, made me feel closer to my body instead of like a stranger inside of it.

After I gave birth, everything changed. My body was no longer mine in a way I hadn’t anticipated. I was exhausted, touched-out from breastfeeding and constantly giving all my energy to this tiny, perfect human who needed me more than anyone ever had.

My libido vanished. Sex became a chore, something I felt pressured to do to keep the peace in my relationship. It wasn’t about desire anymore; it was about duty. And that only deepened the fractures that were already there.

I was in an abusive relationship at the time and found these dynamics intensified during pregnancy and postpartum.

When someone craves control and feels like they’re losing it, they fight harder to hold onto it. The rifts grew wider and the abuse worse.

Leaving that relationship was the hardest and best thing I’ve ever done, but it left me with so much healing to do, emotionally, physically, and sexually. I had to unlearn everything I thought I knew about sex.

I had to relearn what it meant to feel safe, to feel desired in a way that didn’t feel like an obligation. I had to rediscover what I wanted.

For the past two years, I’ve been embracing my queerness in a way I never had the freedom to before. I came out as bisexual when I was a teenager, but my experiences had always been tied up in the male gaze, in expectations that weren’t really mine. Now, as a single mother, as a woman who has broken free from that toxicity, I’ve finally been able to explore intimacy in a way that feels good.

Being with women has been a revelation. The ease, the joy, the excitement of discovering new things without fear, it’s been the most freeing experience of my life. Women understand bodies in a way that feels natural, without shame.

There’s no pressure, no unspoken weight of expectation.

Motherhood changed my body. It stretched me, scarred me, softened me in places I didn’t expect. And for the first time, I don’t resent those changes. I don’t long for the body I had before, because that body didn’t know what I know now. That body belonged to a version of me who hadn’t yet learned to love herself.

So, if you’re a mother struggling with intimacy, with confidence, with feeling like yourself again, I see you. Give yourself grace. Speak to yourself with kindness.

Now, as a single mother, as a woman who has broken free from that toxicity, I’ve finally been able to explore intimacy in a way that feels good. Being with women has been a revelation.

You don’t have to rush back into anything before you’re ready. Your body has done something incredible. It deserves patience, it deserves love. And so do you.

I’m still on this journey, still learning, still growing. But for the first time, I’m doing it on my own terms. And that, in itself, is the most intimate thing of all.’

The Mama Sutra: As a parent

Once children become part of your life, everything shifts - your priorities, your sleep schedule, your capacity for spontaneity. Parenthood is an allconsuming role, often leaving little room for intimacy, both physically and emotionally. Between school runs, meal prep, bedtime routines, and the neverending to-do list, finding time for sex can feel like an afterthought rather than a fundamental part of your relationship.

Yet maintaining a sexual connection, whether with a partner or in your solo journey as a single parent, isn’t just about desire. It’s about preserving intimacy, emotional closeness, and a sense of partnership.

Our research shows that sexual frequency declines after having children, with 46% of parents having sex less frequently after birth. But the reasons behind this shift are more complex than simply being "too busy."

In fact, 19% of parents rank the challenge of balancing childcare and intimacy as one of their top issues, while 25% struggle with persistent low libido. Tiredness is another major factor, with parents ranking exhaustion as their biggest barrier to intimacy in our research findings.

Despite these hurdles, intimacy remains a critical part of a healthy relationship. It fosters connection, reduces stress, and reinforces your bond as partners, not just as co-parents.

Yet, too often, sex becomes another task on an ever-growing list. So how do couples reclaim intimacy in the midst of parenting? How can they reignite desire when exhaustion and daily logistics seem to stand in the way? The answer isn’t about forcing sex into an already packed schedule, it’s about redefining intimacy, prioritising connection, and finding new ways to sustain a fulfilling, passionate relationship, even in the chaos of family life.

This chapter explores how parents can navigate the evolving landscape of intimacy, break free from common roadblocks, and create space for sexual connection in a way that feels natural, meaningful, and, most importantly, enjoyable.

Lovehoney: The Mama Sutra

What's going on?

Every parents experience is different, but there are some common struggles that many mothers face. From sheer exhaustion to shifting relationship dynamics, changes in body image, and the constant demands of parenting, maintaining a fulfilling sex life can feel like an uphill battle. However, recognising these challenges is the first step in finding ways to reconnect with your partner. Below are some of the most common experiences that can impact intimacy after becoming a parent.

Time and energy constraints

Parenting, especially in the early years, is physically and emotionally draining. Long nights, early mornings, and the never-ending cycle of feeding, cleaning, and soothing leave little time, or energy, for intimacy. Many couples find that their relationship starts to revolve around their children’s needs, making it easy to forget about their own.

Changing roles

The transition from being a couple to being co-parents is a significant shift. Many partners start to feel more like teammates managing a household than lovers. This change in dynamic can impact attraction, spontaneity, and emotional connection, making it harder to maintain a romantic bond.

Body image and confidence

For many mothers, the postpartum period brings changes that can affect body image and self-esteem. It takes time to feel comfortable in a body that has been through so much, and the pressure to “bounce back” can make things even harder. Fathers and non-birthing parents, too, may experience stress-related dips in confidence, which can affect desire and intimacy.

Mental load and stress

Parenting is more than just the physical tasks - it’s also the relentless mental load of remembering appointments, planning meals, managing school schedules, and keeping life running smoothly. The weight of these responsibilities can leave little mental space for desire, making sex feel like just another thing on an alreadyoverwhelming to-do list.

Lack of privacy

With little ones around, privacy can become a rare luxury. Whether it’s toddlers climbing into bed at night or an ever-present baby monitor, the idea of being intimate without interruption can feel impossible. Many parents also struggle with the psychological shift of having their children so physically close at all times, making it harder to switch into “partner mode” when the opportunity arises.

Body confidence struggles is one of the biggest barriers to intimacy postpartum.

50% of parents under 30 engage in sexual activity on a weekly basis, with this percentage decreasing to about 30% for parents aged over 35 1 2 3 4

Higher stress levels associated with parenting correlates with lower sexual satisfaction for mothers.

At 12 months postpartum, approximately 31% of mothers and 45% of fathers reported not being satisfied with their sex lives.

The Mama Sutra

Expert advice

Reclaim the bedroom

Reclaiming the bedroom as a kid-free zone after bedtime helps set clear boundaries and allows you to reconnect with your partner in a space that feels like your own. To enhance intimacy, create a cosy, sensual atmosphere by dimming the lights, lighting scented candles, and making the bed as inviting as possible. Keeping the bedroom free of screens and other distractions ensures you stay present with each other. Consider establishing relaxation rituals such as taking turns drawing a bath, giving massages, or simply unwinding together in a peaceful setting. Playing soft music, such as jazz or R&B, can also help set the mood and make the space feel special.

Utilise nap times and bedtimes

Even short pockets of quiet time, such as nap times or after the kids are in bed, can be an opportunity to reconnect. Small but meaningful gestures, like making your partner a cup of tea, running them a bath, or giving them a quick massage, can help you both feel appreciated and closer. Even just cuddling or sharing a warm drink while having an intentional conversation about something other than daily responsibilities can strengthen your connection. These small acts of affection reinforce intimacy and, in turn, make you more likely to feel in the mood for sex.

Get creative

If life feels monotonous, finding ways to be creative in how you connect can make a big difference. Unexpected touches, spontaneous kisses, or flirtatious whispers while cooking together can reignite excitement. Playful communication, such as sending cheeky text messages or leaving surprise love notes, can build anticipation throughout the day. If you’re looking to add more excitement, try introducing novelty with intimate games, new outfits, or even role-play. Surprise at-home date nights, like a candlelit dinner, a living-room picnic, or a slow dance in the bedroom, can help break up the routine and keep things fresh.

Get back into the dating world (if single)

Dating as a mum can feel daunting, but it’s important to remember that you’re not just a parent - you’re a person who deserves love, fun, and connection. Start with selflove, rediscovering what makes you feel good, and set clear expectations about what you want from dating. Whether it’s casual fun or something serious, own your desires and don’t be afraid to communicate them. Online dating can be a great way to ease in, but trust your instincts, take things at your own pace, and remember that the right person will respect both you and your responsibilities as a mum.

Take care of you

Taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of your relationship. Feeling confident and comfortable in your own body can directly impact your intimacy and overall connection with your partner. Prioritising movement and exercise, even in small ways, can boost endorphins and self-confidence. Making time for quality sleep and engaging in self-care rituals, whether that’s skincare, meditation, or simply taking a quiet moment for yourself, helps you feel more relaxed and present. Eating well and staying hydrated can improve energy levels and overall wellbeing, making it easier to feel good about yourself and your relationship. When you take care of yourself, you bring your best energy to your partner, strengthening the bond between you.

Our experts give their advice on how to navigate a healthy sex life as a parent

As parents, it’s natural to prioritise your children’s needs above all else. However, maintaining your own wellbeing is important too. After all, when you feel good within yourself, you’re better equipped to show up as the best version of yourself for your family.

So, how can you reignite intimacy and feel confident in your own skin, while navigating the demands of parenthood? There’s good news… it’s absolutely possible. With small tweaks and intentional changes, you can begin to reclaim your sense of sexuality and feel more connected to yourself and your partner. Our experts weigh in.

Sex position - The lazy dog

For parents who want maximum pleasure with minimal effort. Similar to the classic ‘Doggy Style’, but with a relaxed twist, the receiving partner lies flat on their stomach while their partner enters from behind, resting their weight on top. A pillow or bolster under the hips can enhance the angle for deeper penetration. This position requires less energy, making it great for when you're exhausted but still want to connect.

Sex position - Silent scissors

For parents who need to keep noise levels to an absolute minimum, this one is perfect. Both partners lie on their sides, facing each other in a scissoring position, with one partner’s leg hooked over the other’s hip. This allows for deep penetration, full-body contact, and an intimate, slow rhythm that keeps things virtually silent.

Sex position - Camouflage cuddle

Masturbation pose - The side spoon

Perfect for a relaxing yet intense self-pleasure moment, lie on your side with a toy or your hands between your legs. Gently press your thighs together to enhance friction, and rhythmically open and close your legs, focusing on the subtle sensations. Feel the intimate connection between your thighs and vaginal lips as you explore pleasure both externally and within.

Anna’s story

Anna is a 40 year-old single Mum, who has a 16 year-old son. Anna has been single for most of her adult life and spent years focusing on her personal growth and sobriety.

Motherhood changes everything. Your body, your emotions, your sense of selfand, for me, it completely reshaped my relationship with intimacy.

I’m 40 now, a single mum to an almost -16year-old son, and I can honestly say that I’ve only recently begun to understand what intimacy really means. It’s been a long journey, full of shifts in my body, my mindset, and my confidence.

When I was younger, sex was something I didn’t question much. I did what I thought I was supposed to, responded in the ways I thought I should. But getting pregnant at 23 and becoming a single mum changed everything. My body became something else - it wasn’t just mine anymore. It carried life, nurtured another human, and, in many ways, that became its sole purpose. My body felt stretched, exhausted, unfamiliar. Intimacy? That felt distant.

I didn’t date. I didn’t bring men into my son’s life. My last relationship was when I was 22, and after that, it was just me and him. There was no time for romance when I was balancing nappies and night shifts, cuddles and chaos. I poured every ounce of love I had into being a mother, and somewhere along the way, I forgot that I was a woman too.

Losing my mum almost 11 years ago set off a chain reaction in my life. I spiralled - drinking heavily, gaining weight, struggling with my mental health. And then, one day, I stopped. I got sober in December 2015, and in doing so, I stripped everything back to its core. No more alcohol, no more toxic habits, no more relationships. Celibacy wasn’t something I planned - it just felt like the right thing while I was rebuilding myself. It was peaceful, freeing even, to focus solely on my own growth. I didn’t have to worry about anyone else’s expectations, just my own healing.

But healing also meant learning. When I finally did open myself up again, I was a different person. I was sober, confident, and completely present. I met someone - a man about 10 years older than me - and for the first time, intimacy wasn’t about seeking validation or filling a void. It was about connection, respect, understanding. It was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had, not just because of him, but because of me. I finally understood that intimacy is so much more than just sex. It’s trust, it’s vulnerability, it’s feeling truly seen.

Pregnancy may have changed my body, but time has changed my perspective. I used to worry so much - about my weight, about whether I was desirable, about what others thought.

Now, I’m unapologetically myself. I’ve put in the work, physically and mentally. I lost weight the right way, through structured training and a healthy lifestyle. I walk into new spaces with confidence, no longer needing alcohol to feel like I belong. And when it comes to relationships now? I don’t settle. I recognise red flags quicker. I don’t chase validation. I ask myself, why am I attracted to this person? Is this good for me?

I spent years feeling guilty about sex, ashamed to express what I wanted. Now, I embrace my sexuality without shame or pressure. I’m still learning about myself, still exploring, still growing. I don’t feel the need to rush into a box labelled ‘relationship’ just yet. Pregnancy changed my body, but my journey changed my relationship with intimacy. And for the first time in my life, I feel truly in control of it.’

Pregnancy may have changed my body, but time has changed my perspective. I used to worry so much - about my weight, about whether I was desirable, about what others thought. Now, I’m unapologetically myself.

In summary

Your sexual desire will fluctuate during pregnancy

Libido changes significantly across trimesters, often declining in the first due to nausea and fatigue, peaking in the second with increased energy, and dropping again in the third as physical discomfort increases.

It’s okay to not know all the answers

Search data shows 4,400 daily searches in the UK for "Can you have sex during pregnancy?" along with thousands more queries on its safety.* Most of us don’t have all the answers, and its okay to seek advice.

The postpartum period is a major transition – don’t put too much pressure on yourself

Our research indicates 83% of women experience changes in sexual function, including low libido, body image concerns and pain. These changes are to be expected, and this might be a big change to what you are used to. There are things you can do to improve how you feel!

You will learn a lot about your body – and maybe won’t be so harsh on it

The Mama Sutra: highlights how pregnancy, postpartum recovery, and parenting reshape the body and mind. By understanding these changes, hormonal shifts, libido fluctuations, and body image struggles, many will have greater self-compassion.

"This will be one of the biggest journeys you’ll ever undertake, and with it comes change, physically, emotionally, and in your relationships. Your body will shift, your desires may fluctuate, and exhaustion will hit hard. But that doesn’t mean you can’t do it. With self-compassion, patience, and the right support, you’ll find new ways to connect, feel confident, and embrace intimacy on your own terms."

Sarah Mulindwa, Sexual Health & Wellness Expert & Sexual Health Nurse

It’s not all about achieving the big ‘O’

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself if you’re not feeling sexual during the pregnancy journey or beyond. There are plenty of other things you can do to make yourself feel better – such as looking after yourself by taking a nice bath or doing gentle exercise; or with a partner cuddling, sharing laughter, and having open communication to help maintain closeness when traditional sex isn’t feasible or desired.

Becoming a parent isn’t easy – in more ways than one

46% of parents report having sex less frequently after having children, with the biggest barriers being exhaustion, lack of time, shifting relationship dynamics, and changes in selfperception. This is normal and you are not alone!

Your mental health might be impacted

Hormonal shifts, exhaustion, and changing identity can take a toll on mental health. From postpartum anxiety to feeling disconnected from your body. Take time to recognise that this may be happening and remember you can ask for help. Speak to a professional if you need to about libido, mental health or anything else.

Don’t let them fool you

Social media is filled with unrealistic depictions of motherhood and post-baby intimacy. We hope this guide reminds readers that real-life parenting is messy, exhausting and unpredictable - and that’s completely normal.

Lean on those you love

Friends, partners and your support network should be supportive and understanding through every stage - from pregnancy to postpartum recovery, offering strength, patience and reassurance when you need it most.

#10

We are all different

No two pregnancies, postpartum experiences, or relationships with intimacy are the same. The Mama Sutra: reinforces that there is no “normal” when it comes to desire, body changes, or emotional responses. Comparing yourself to others only adds unnecessary pressure, your journey is uniquely yours.

Contributors

To provide expert guidance and real-world insights, The Lovehoney Mama Sutra features contributions from:

Anna Whitehouse, aka Mother Pukka

Anna Whitehouse is the founder of Mother Pukka, a platform offering news, events, reviews, and candid commentary for parents. A seasoned journalist and editor, Anna has contributed to The Telegraph, Independent, Stylist, and Marie Claire, and was once Vice Editor at Time Out Amsterdam. She is a columnist for Grazia, hosts a Sunday night show on Heart Radio, and campaigns for flexible working through Flex Appeal. Anna has co-authored two bestselling books and her debut novel, Underbelly, was released in August 2021

Sarah Mulindwa Sexual Health & Wellness Expert & Sexual Health Nurse

Sarah Mulindwa is a Specialist Sexual Health Nurse, TV Presenter, and Fashion Stylist. With over 15 years in nursing, she has spent a decade as a Senior Sexual Health and HIV Nurse, training at the renowned 56 Dean Street clinic. She is best known as the witty and glamorous Nurse Presenter on Channel 4’s The Sex Clinic, where she educates and empowers young people on sex, relationships, and wellbeing. Beyond healthcare, Sarah is also a respected figure in fashion and media, making her mark in sexual wellness, health, and entertainment.

Annabelle Knight Sex & relationship expert

Annabelle Knight is a sex, relationship, dating and body language expert, a bestselling author, sex toy expert and celebrity relationship coach. She is qualified in life coaching, couples counselling and psychosexual therapy. She regularly appears on television, in the press, and on-air to offer her expertise and guidance on a range of topics and currently is resident sex and relationship expert for Lovehoney. Annabelle has her own range of sex toys, is a published author and is ITV’s flirt expert for Love Island.

References

Lovehoney research as referenced throughout:

Conducted by Savanta commissioned by Lovehoney (January 2025), 2,022 respondents, GB representative. 1,363 parents, 682 mums.

Google analytics data source - SEMrushwww.semrush.com, December 2024 – February 2025 YoY Feb 2024 – Feb 2025

Photography:

Photo credit - Alexandra Cameron for Lovehoney @alex_cameron

External references:

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Skjeldestad, F.E., Rønningen, H., & Nesheim, B.I. (2023) ‹Sexual intercourse frequency during pregnancy: Weekly surveys among 237 young women from a random population-based sample›, PLOS ONE, 4)18), p. e0283542. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0283542

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Wilson, K. N., Jensen, J., Ballard, S., & Taylor, A. (2022). Tell me more: Parent–child sexual talk and young adult sexual communication satisfaction with romantic partners. Journal of Social, Behavioural, and Health Sciences, 39–19 ,(1)16. https://doi.org/10.5590/ JSBHS.2022.16.1.02

Oster, E. (2023). Your sex lives after kids. ParentData. https://parentdata.org/your-sex-lives-after-kids/

Leavitt, C. E., McDaniel, B. T., Maas, M. K., & Feinberg, M. E. (2017). Parenting stress and sexual satisfaction among first-time parents: A dyadic approach. Sex Roles, 355–346 ,(6-5)76. https://doi.org/10.1007/s-11199 8-0579-016

Leavitt, C. E., McDaniel, B. T., Maas, M. K., & Feinberg, M. E. (2015). Parenting stress and sexual satisfaction among first-time parents: A dyadic approach. Sex Roles, 306–294 ,(6-5)72. https://doi.org/10.1007/s-11199 4-0487-015

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