Stages of limerence

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Be limerence free – start your recovery today I am Dr. David Perl, the founder of limerence.net. I set this site up after struggling with my own limerence more than a decade ago. We have now grown to a community of more than 3,000 members. We o er a range of support from our free forum and public facebook group to more focussed memberships through to private coaching and therapy.

Watch the 1 min introduction to limerence.net by clicking the video below.

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The largest limerence and a air recovery community Welcome to limerence.net. If you’ve found this place, I suspect you or your partner are hurting from the fallout of limerence. If so, you’ve found the net’s oldest and most trusted community for those impacted from this condition.

Developing my own limerence

When I developed limerence it had a devastating impact on both myself and my wife and our decade’s long marriage. I discovered no therapists had heard of limerence and those I saw had no clue how to help so I had to learn the hard way. It took me years of therapy, reading hundreds of books and actively participating on the limerence.net forum to discover what helped and what didn’t. You can now bene t from my experience thus saving you many of the mistakes I made.

Setting up limerence.net

I set up this site which has helped and continues to support thousands of members. Over the years, I’ve often been approached by people asking for help and whilst the one to one support I o er as a psychotherapist and coach is great, its not accessible to everyone.

To address this, I along with my wife, Ruth have developed an online programme of videos and worksheets which helps those impacted to begin their journey of recovery.

For those wanting more intensive support, we have range of membership programs from private groups, weekly zoom webinars with Q&A’s through to private one to one sessions with myself or Ruth who is also a quali ed therapist and coach. I understand limerence from the perspective of the betrayer , Ruth understands it from the perspective of the betrayed. I dislike these terms as they are shaming, however they are descriptive.

Our experience

The experience we gain through our LoveRelations practice as coaches, counsellors and psychotherapists continues to inform us of this condition and just how many a airs have limerence at their core. For any hope of the relationship being repaired, the limerence has to be addressed. Few practitioners are aware of this. We are.

Whilst there are others o ering help on the internet, most are anonymous and thus its impossible to know of their credentials and experience. You can read more about our experience and expertise here.

Are you struggling with these symptoms of limerence:

 Intrusive obsessive thoughts of LO? Thinking 24/7 Fantasising of a future together Feel you’ve met your soulmate Overly focussed on cues

 Replaying and rehearsing?

Over sensitive to cues Replaying interactions Rehearsing events Fantasising about being together Longing for reciprocation

 Anxiety and self consciousness?

Constant e orts to impress LO Shyness and embarrassment Heart ache and increased stress Fear of rejection by LO Social ineptness around LO

 Emotional dependency on LO? Yearning for reciprocation Ecstatic when signs of reciprocation Mood swings Uncertainty driving despair Push/pull from LO

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A partner with limerence?

Lying and deceit Belief they have met their soulmate Emotional withdrawal Rewriting history Loving you but not in love with you LO is just a friend

If you answered yes to the above you likely have limerence To get quick, private and con dential support, book an exploratory session now BOOK NOW

Join our support community

 Public facebook group

 Limerence.net public forum



Limerence.net private forums

 Zoom groups with Q & A’s hosted by David

 Focussed small group Zoom sessions with a maximum of 8 people, hosted by David

 Self discovery online course on healing from limerence

 Private one to one email / Voxer support

 Private individual and couple’s sessions

BRONZE PROGRAM

$49/£36

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A complete structured online programme of videos and worksheets to take you through the steps of becoming limerence free CLICK FOR EARLY ACCESS Limerence.net public forum Limerence.net public Facebook group

Self discovery online healing from limerence course including videos and accompanying worksheets on a guided and structured process to help you heal from your limerence An extensive range of exclusive podcasts about limerence Book reviews

SILVER MEMBERSHIP

$27/£20

MONTHLY Join the private community for those seeking more day to day support from limerence with zoom webinars and private groups CLICK FOR EARLY ACCESS All the bene ts from the bronze program plus: Limerence.net private forum Private Facebook group for men and relationships Private Facebook group for women and relationships 2 per month 90 minute zoom groups with Q & A with David Minimum 1 month subscription

GOLD MEMBERSHIP

$123/£90

MONTHLY Join the private community of people seeking even more focussed support with small private zoom groups with a maximum of 8 people CLICK FOR EARLY ACCESS All the bene ts from the bronze program plus: 2 per month 90 mins focussed small Zoom groups hosted by David Maximum 8 people per group Online bonus content Early access to published videos Minimum 1 month subscription

PLATINUM MEMBERSHIP

FULL

For those seeking the best support through individual face to face private sessions with David or Ruth via zoom or in person JOIN WAITLIST All the bene ts of the silver program plus: 10 x 60 mins private individual sessions over 3 months with David or Ruth 30 mins per week online private support per person Online companion journal Bonus content Couples sessions also available. We only work with couples as a couple.

Contact us for more information.

Testimonials I have worked with David (and to a lesser extent Ruth) for roughly 6 months and they have both been amazing and helped me to make some powerful changes to my life. David has shown me how to 'wake up', look within, become honest and authentic and meet my needs without the need to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms that had caused harm and damage in the past. I have previously worked with counsellors and a hypnotherapist, but none of them did much more than scratch the surface. David is not afraid of getting to the root of the problems (even though this can feel challenging in the early stages of therapy) and has worked with me to help rip the roots out of the ground. These days I am way happier than ever and feel as though I am improving all the time with continued self-development. David has become a mentor, role model and a father gure (that I never had in my life) - on top of that, he is a brilliant therapist. Thank you both - you have changed my life for the better!

Simon Sobriety coach.

Dear David and Ruth, Gavin and I have recently nished 8 months of couples coaching/therapy with you both. We wanted to thank you for the help and guidance you gave us in helping to communicate and understand each other better. This year has been very di cult, we now have more hope that next year will be better for us and our family.

Sally& Gavin Professional working Mum

Went to see David as was struggling with limerence and being love addicted and obsessed over a work colleague. He really helped me understand and cope with this condition and helped me through a very dark period of my life. I always have found it hard to invest in myself and this really was one of the best investments i made.

Rick Working father

"Ruth and David - how can we ever thank you enough for saving our marriage. When we rst arrived at your o ce, we felt nothing would work as the love had gone. With your sensitive experienced guidance, we gradually healed the deep wounds in our relationship. It really helped us to understand how we brought our own issues into our marriage and working on these has been an extra bene t."

Karen and Les Retired Couple

"I will take this opportunity to thank you for all of the hard work you have put in with me. It has been, and continues to be, truly transformative and what could have been a profoundly traumatic experience for me has been and is being processed in what I feel is a really healthy way, leaving me in a position of positivity, understanding and empowerment."

Keith Father of 3

"Discovering my husband's a air was one of the most painful issues i've dealt with. With time and your gentle guidance and expertise, we have been able to rebuild our marriage into something even stronger than it was before his a air. We know communicate with honesty and are no longer afraid to express how we are feeling. My gratitude runs deep."

Karen Retired grandmother

You can read what other visitors to this site have said below. Why not post your own comment at the bottom of the list?

100 Replies to “Home” Veroni 22 J A NUA RY 20 1 5 AT How do we know we are limerenced or if what we feel is just a strong crush?

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Darren 1 8 S E PT E MB E R 20 1 7 AT I am a love addict.

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David

22 J A NUA RY 20 1 5 AT Veroni, you will get more responses if you post on the main forum

http://limerence.net/forum/index.php Reply

Arlene 1 2 J ULY 20 1 5 AT I have been trying to gure out what has been wrong with all these years since teenage years I nally have a word for it. All my life I have developed crushes on people who would never return my a ections and it is comforting I am not the only one.

Is there any hope for people like myself?

Are there any counselors, psychotherapists in the Boston, MA area that can help?

Limerence seems like something people in English novels would frequently be a icted with like a “Wuthering Heights” something from the Edwardian/Victorian era.

I am curious to know if certain populations have a greater tendency for Limerence?

Will there be a genetic therapy for this someday? I wouldn’t wish this on anyone it is a cruel a iction.

Thanks for having this website.

Sincerely,

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Sebastian 7 OCT OB E R 20 1 6 AT [quote name=”Arlene”]I have been trying to gure out what has been wrong with all these years since teenage years I nally have a word for it. All my life I have developed crushes on people who would never return my a ections and it is comforting I am not the only one. [/quote]

I cant believe how accurate this is to my situation. “having a word for it” changes everything. How is it posible that I need someone to tell me this kind of knowledge? That I need to say it, to become aware of it when others know it subconsciously.

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Taylor 24 A UGUS T 20 1 5 AT I’m more than happy to have found this site. I don’t want to self diagnose, but I STRONGLY believe im su ering from Limerence. It’s happening to me now, and it’s happened MANY times in the past, since I was 12. My longest episode lasted for about 2 years, and my LO was a guy that I didn’t even have a relationship with to begin with. Right now, it’s been about 14 months for me since the start of my Limerent epsiode, and the LO and I “broke up” about a year ago, even though we had an on-and-o FWB relationship.

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Serie 7 J ULY 20 1 7 AT I as well do not want to self diagnose but according to this site I can’t help but to feel like this is what I am su ering. You said this has happened since you were 12? I am 17 and feel I am in a episode. My LO moved states away and clearly doesn’t have feelings for me. I’ve known this for 10 months and I still haven’t gotten over him. Our “relationship” started 2 years ago. It was a year ago that I realized I had to let go of him but I haven’t been able to. Do you have any advice? Do I just let it take it’s course? Is there anything I can do to, I don’t know, help it?

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Thai 4 S E PT E MB E R 20 1 5 AT Ive been feeling really strong feelings for a girl in my school ever since i started and now 5 years later those feelings are as stong as ever. She hates because she thought i was stalking her a while back and

now i dont know what to do. Every morning and every night i think about her and me together because i know ill never be with her but i try to forgot that by imagining.

What makes it even worse is that i didnt even talk to her before she thought i was stalking her. Now we’re both in collage and im in her business studies class, i really wanna talk to her but im scared she or her friend will ignore me or just diss me. I just hate the feeling of not meaning anything to her in life while she means so much to me. Sometimes i even have these days where i cant go to sleep because i can only think about what would happen when we nish collage and we both go our separate ways. I’ll never see the love of my life ever again. Please, i need help

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#hurt 1 9 NOV E MB E R 20 1 7 AT So sorry to hear that. I am in the same boat. If you think that there is some chance you two can be together, then confess to her otherwise it’s best if you cut o all contact.

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Jon 1 0 S E PT E MB E R 20 1 5 AT Hi David, The email listed keeps bouncing. Is there another one to reach you at?

Thanks, Jon

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David 1 0 S E PT E MB E R 20 1 5 AT try info@limerence.net

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Barbara Val 29 S E PT E MB E R 20 1 5 AT Hello thanks for your site. I’m a 45 year old lady from Spain. I have su ered limerence many times in my life and I strongly believe this and other patterns are due to being raised by narcissistic parents. Thanks for helping nd me voice

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Shelly 1 J ULY 20 1 6 AT Wow, I have a Narcissitic Mother who I discovered was Narcissitic about a year ago, Its been very hard to handle. Now, for some reason I was checking into obssesions, love addictions, etc.. and I found “Limerence” and I totally believe I am Limerent. So its very interesting to nd that a probable cause would be having Narc parents. Thanks for sharing Barbara

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Stella 1 0 J A NUA RY 20 1 7 AT Hi Barbara, I would agree with this…narcissistic parents. I think it is something that develops because of a lack of parental a ection, abandonment, narcissistic parents, etc, etc, etc… Basically not receiving the love, care and attention needed as a child sets one up for life-long struggles and issues down the road.

Being aware of these issues at least helps one not to act on the impulses even though it is SO torturous to live with them. I have been experiencing this of late and it has been hell.

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# missLee 25 J ULY 20 1 7 AT Spot on!!! I was raised by them also!! I cannot talk truthfully to any of my siblings either. Robots to the Narcs while im thrown under the bus. Anyhow, limerence is So safe!! I guess I dont have the belief in anything real because it has all been squashed by the Narcs!! A real boyfriend or husband is too precious and they will Not validate so I live in limerence!!

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David 1 OCT OB E R 20 1 5 AT Hi Barbara I agree, narcissistic parents have a lot to answer for. As with all narcs, it seems low contact or even no contact is necessary if we are to separate and individuate.

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Philip 4 OCT OB E R 20 1 5 AT This is happening to me.

2 months ago i hooked up with an old crush. She told me she ended her 6 year long relationship,and that she still have some stu overthere. We hooked up on my initiative,only to nd she was actualy still living with the bf and did not broke up with him,even if she claimed she wants to but cant do it now. I got the feeling she was playing with me. I broke up a month later because i could not trust her. I fell for her hard, and opened myself a lot very early into this a air. My ratio and my emotions went di erent directions.she wanted to keep it secret,no meeting in public. I broke up a month later. And 2 month after i am thinking about her 24/7 and replaying dialogues in my head.

How to stop? I am a wreck….

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lou 8 OCT OB E R 20 1 5 AT Its gotten to the point where my sickness and need for love has desensitized me and am no longer able to function properly. Its highs or lows, nothing in between. I can’t remember a time I didn’t feel like this but now I feel kind of scared I am gonna hurt myself and I don’t want to do that cause I do have family, they love me. Is there anything I can do to just end this already? I’m done crying

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Molly 1 4 OCT OB E R 20 1 5 AT I have been in love with the same guy for over four years, though I’ve known him since 5th grade. He was one of my best friends and I saw him every day during school until I moved to Europe with my husband. Yes, I’m married and I still love him. I’ve tried everything in my power to forget him but I always nd myself getting back in touch with him and falling all over again. I told him 4 years ago that I had fallen for him and he basically said he appreciated me telling him but never said anything else.

He is kind of a loner so I don’t know if he might have had feelings and just wasn’t ready for a relationship. Regardless, I can’t stop loving him and it makes me feel awful because I love my husband but it just isn’t the same. I truly think that my LO was the “one” and I hate it. I hate feeling like this. But I love him.

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Weeza 1 2 J UNE 20 1 7 AT Hi, I just discovered today I’m 100% limerant! OMG. Obviously you are as well. Your LO hasn’t reciprocated your feelings. one strategy I use is avoidance of my LO. I was planning on seeing him at an event know Aug I thought he’d go to, but now that I see my illness described, I think I should probably avoid going.

My advice to any limerent is to read “He’s just not that into you” a fantastic book. It’s funny and will help you more quickly realize your LO does NOT reciprocate your feelings. This is the best way to recover as quickly as possible from this ridiculous fantasy state of being! I wish there was a cure. Now that I’m aware, I’ll learn everything to rid myself of this.

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Michelle 1 9 OCT OB E R 20 1 5 AT Oh I have been married for several years in which I often caught my spouse sexting other people so I had an a air. I was angry and bitter and wanted to show him how much it hurt, unfortunately I developed feelings and I am way over my head. This person is not one I would see myself being with but as many times as I have tried to back away, the more I get wrapped up. It has been almost 3 years and I am living in a separate room than my husband but not sure if I really love this other guy. I never thought I would be in this position, I have always tried to do what is right and I have screwed up beyond belief. So who do I choose? A cheating spouse (who says he has changed but I do not trust) or the guy who I may be an LO and will shorty be my remorse for not trying again in my marriage?

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Kayla 22 OCT OB E R 20 1 5 AT I’m so glad for this post…I’ve always read into transference but this is spot on. I’ve always felt weird or out of place like no one would accept me in this state except for my best friend who is also limerent.

But this is just soo comforting. Anyone wanting to chat about it with me?

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Jacko333 1 NOV E MB E R 20 1 5 AT As we all know, Limerence is an illusion that provides the muse for poetry and song. I am reminded of a Paul McCartney song entitled “Just another silly love song.” At its core, Limerence is sel sh. In his or her own mind the LE forces the LO to comport with their own fantasies and exaggerates the attributes and characteristics of the LO. In reality, this does a disservice to the LO by imprisoning him or her in this painting or portrait that is not really who they are but rather an idealized approximation of the LO. Limerence is a sel sh thing in that it demands reciprocity from the LO who is largely a construct of the

LE’s imagination. If an LE truly cares for the LO’s well and that of their own, they would let the LO be free of this burden.

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Erata 1 8 J A NUA RY 20 1 8 AT I was the LO of a songwriter, and my experience was that even though he referred to conversations we had in his songs, I sensed that he loved not me, but some version of me in his mind. I also noted that he sent his friends to try to get me to date him, but would become speechless when we touched on the subject of our relationship in person. Meanwhile, he was dating more than one woman at the same time. Clearly, he was at high risk of failure to attach.

My response was to keep our relationship in friendship mode and not encourage romantic involvement.

This was not e ective in preventing his illusions, either, I found. I married someone else and moved out of state. This did not help. My marriage was abusive. My husband, jealous of him, threatened to kill us both. After sixteen years, I left. The songwriter kept trying to get in touch with me for three more years, never comprehending the danger he put me. himself, or my children in. Then he died in a car accident.

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Rob 1 8 NOV E MB E R 20 1 5 AT Clare 1/2 I quit smoking when my life burnt up into ashes.

I had tried before but it was so easy to just have one and then another. because you think about them. they are on your mind and so is the memory of the feeling of breathing deep into yourself. in actual fact it tastes awful, makes your lungs feel wrecked and spins your head. easily forgotten.

But then everything turned to shit and I decided I couldn’t a ord cigarettes. I stop identifying as a smoker, more importantly I stopped identifying as a non-smoker. it wasn’t on my radar at all.

Likewise my nal escape* from LO was only because of catastrophe. a massive brutal dose of reality that left no room for idle thought or romantic intention. and in the clarity that followed, I made sure I wasn’t going to just drop back into old habits. here was my chance. the cell door was open, I wasn’t

going to loiter.

1/2

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Crystal 5 MAY 20 1 6 AT Hi Rob! It’s amazing how you quit both! I’m have the same problems and somehow I know that when I quit smoking I will quit him too.

How did you quit her?

Btw, I haven’t smoked for a week now and planning to keep strong…

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Rob 1 4 J UNE 20 1 6 AT Hi Crystal, The smoking analogy and LO were actually years apart. I brought it up because I felt it was two parts of the same kind of problem. Keep reading comment 2, sadly this wasn’t the actual answer. She’s gone now, no contact. still thinking of her most days, but its a passing thought and I’ve got better things to do. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Thank god, absence does not make the heart grow fonder.

Also, really want to edit those previous comments.

Good luck Crystal.

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Rob 1 8 NOV E MB E R 20 1 5 AT

Clare 2/2 I marked down all her negative points and reevaluated how she treated me. There were absolute deal breakers I had glossed over for months.

So I rebuilt my image of her, somewhat monstrous. something to avoid and resent. not true, not fair, too bad Ive had maybe 6 “days o ” when she wasn’t totally dominating my thinking and each time I felt more like me, more in control, more con dent.

Yes the gloss comes o everything and i miss the soft lull of dreaming about somebody else and in weak moments, I mourn the girl that she was and hate the girl that she is. a deliberate choice to divide her into two di erent people, so I can mentally breakup with that beautiful soul with the eyes that I get lost in fuckfuckfuck.

Quitting drinking helped. maintain strict discipline whatever you have control of but usually let yourself get slack on good luck everyone, its worth trying to beat it.

2/2

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Jacklyn 7 MAY 20 1 7 AT Rob Your story gives me hope

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Weeza 1 2 J UNE 20 1 7 AT I believe I read somewhere there is a link to addiction for limerant people. I believe limerance is a form of addiction. It de nitely generates dopamine. I used to think I was an “addictive personality ” because over my lifetime I’ve said I always needed a vice (cigs, weed, alcohol, LO), but now I believe as a result of childhood trauma, my brain did not develop optimally, that I have a dopamine de ciency which produced ADHD symptoms (Scattered: Dr Gabor Mate) and addictions were self medication to get