WAYS TO SHOW LOVE TO YOUR CHILD’S BIRTH PARENTS

CORRESPONDENCE

WAYS TO SHOW LOVE TO YOUR CHILD’S BIRTH PARENTS

by Jenny Riddle

“W e have learned that in order to best love our son, we must also love his birth parents well.” Morgan, a Lifeline mom through domestic adoption, explained how healthy relationships with her son’s birth parents allows him to have “a sense of security in who he is and a feeling of pride in where God has ultimately led him to be planted.” Whether a close relationship with his birth parents will happen is still yet to be seen. However, Morgan understands that a child is connected to his or her birth family, no matter how much interaction is possible. Acknowledging their presence in a child’s life and creating a safe atmosphere to think and talk about them gives a child the freedom to explore that aspect of his or her life, ultimately giving a healthier sense of identity and stability. Families of domestic adoption, especially, have a unique opportunity to love birth families through both correspondence and visits. This article focuses primarily on the correspondence aspect of these relationships. At Lifeline, a birth mother decides what level of openness works best for her and her situation and then chooses from prospective families who are open to that same level. Domestic adoptive families complete an agreement as part of the adoption process, based on this agreed level of openness. Many families and birth parents choose to do more updates and visits, and sometimes the relationships progress organically outside of the “requirements.” The following stories illustrate how a relationship can naturally progress and gives a snapshot of how families can love birth parents in various corresponding circumstances:

Lisa’s daughter was born in September 2019. The adoption process happened very quickly and didn’t allow much time for her family to develop a relationship with her daughter’s birth mother. However, Lisa and her husband met their daughter’s birth mother on the same day they met their daughter. Today, they send regular updates through Lifeline, including notes and pictures of special events. They also pray for her and talk about her regularly by name with their daughter. Making sure her daughter knows about her birth family is very important to Lisa. Although Lisa has tried to include her daughter’s birth mother in their lives as much as possible, the response has been discouragingly little. Lisa desires a deeper relationship, but she loves this sweet birth mother however she can: “Even if that doesn’t happen, we pray that God works in our birth mom’s life and that she is getting the love and support she needs. We will always be here if and when she is ready to be more involved and would never push her if she’s not comfortable.”

Morgan brought her son home in September 2019. After Morgan and her husband’s first meeting with their son’s

birth mother, they were overcome with her courage, love, beauty, resilience, and selflessness. They were determined to honor her in their parenting out of a genuine love for her: “We have loved her since the day we read her story and have loved her more and more as time has passed.” Because of this birth mom’s specific difficult story, Morgan’s family has only communicated through update letters facilitated by Lifeline. In her letters, Morgan writes with love for this precious woman as she shares all of the firsts of her son’s life, how his personality is shaping, the joy he brings, and how he is unique and wonderful. Morgan mentioned in several letters that their family was open to more frequent communication, if she were ever comfortable with it. Not knowing if their birth mother was even receiving their letters, they were surprised and thrilled to receive a package from her around their son’s first birthday. The package contained a priceless letter, some pictures, and a birthday gift for their birth parents. For others, it means meeting birth families

son. Although they pray further relationship will develop, Morgan knows that they will continue to show love to his birth mother, regardless of her engagement. God has already grown their hearts to love beyond what they ever thought possible.

Wendy and her husband enthusiastically met their son and his birth parents in October 2017 in the hospital at his birth. They named him together, as a group of four loving parents. holidays, etc.

The couple was able to have hours of conversation with their son’s birth parents that first day and even more hours the next. Wendy explains how that time impacted their lives: “We left that day not knowing if we would ever meet them again, but feeling as though we had met new friends. The pictures we have of the five of us all together that day hang in [our son’s] room. We tell them good morning and good night and how much we love them on a daily basis. [He] doesn’t just have two earthly parents that love him: he has four.” Wendy has followed their agreed correspondence schedule since the beginning, providing updates for the birth mom and birth dad. She prints out pictures and writes dates and explanations on the back. She also sends child artwork, handprints, and handwritten notes to update them on all his likes, dislikes, milestones, experiences, etc. When he turned 1, Wendy made a photo yearbook of his first year and sent it to them. When her son turned 2, Wendy received a request from his birth mother to FaceTime on his birthday. It was a sweet time for everyone involved, and Wendy would love to see this happen every year, she said. However, only time will tell how these relationships will take shape. In the meantime, Wendy prays she is able to share the gospel and their lives with their son’s birth parents through each correspondence: “We love them so much. We don’t just want to share Jesus with them, but our whole lives. That is what I am praying I am giving them through our correspondence. I pray it is a picture of His love.”

Elise and her husband first met their son’s birth parents in the hospital, just 22 hours after his birth, and brought him home in March 2018. From the very beginning, the birth parents son turned 2, Elise used a separate email account to send monthly pictures and updates to his birth parents. Now, she still maintains official updates through Lifeline by using an online picture album company; she includes milestones, what he likes, pictures, and a written update of his life. In addition to the official correspondence, Elise sends a short update and pictures around every three months to the birth parents. In-person visits are also a part of their relationship. The first visit happened at Lifeline offices, with a counselor present, when this sweet child was 9 months old. As the relationship became more comfortable and consistent, the families met for a few hours at local spots like the zoo or a park. Elise’s son has even met both of his birth grandmothers. She prays that as these relationships grow, they will continue to see the benefit of having the love of all of these people surrounding her son.

Although each relationship looks different, the heart of these parents is the same — to love their child’s birth parents with the love of God in whatever way is available to them at the time. For some families, that means sending in official correspondence without ever receiving a response from for a picnic in the park. For all families, it means praying for birth families and talking about them respectfully.

Here are a few tips for corresponding with your child’s birth family: • There are many avenues of correspondence: photobooks, printed pictures, digital pictures, handwritten notes, emails, blogs, gifts, etc. Choose the method that helps you best tell your child’s story within the agreements set up with your child’s birth family. • Be consistent. Whatever you have agreed to, do it consistently and do it well. • Keep a note on your phone of little things your child does or says so that you can remember to include those in your next update. • Utilize the lifelines available through your family’s domestic specialist to give you age-appropriate ways to involve your child in your updates. • Include a Bible verse and let them know you are praying for them. • Think about what you would want to know/have/see from your child as you prepare your correspondence. Although the bulk of this information applies mostly to families whose children were adopted domestically and have the ability to correspond, the same principles apply to all families built by adoption or foster care: • Love your child by loving their birth family. • Pray for your child’s birth family. • Consider how you can include or honor your child’s birth family in your lives or on special events like birthdays, wanted to see pictures and hear updates regularly. Until her

• Talk about your child’s birth family on an age-appropriate level with them, as they are comfortable.