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No. 9, MAY . . . .

1/6


Sir, I suppose after twelve m onths of publica­ tion you reckon that you have “burnt off” any readers w ho believe in Christianity, decency or any of those other stuffy old ideas. H ow ­ ever, as a practising Christian myself, I occasionally buy OZ “to see how the other half lives”, as it were, and I am not beyond raising a protest at the utter tastelessness of Sharp’s little E aster message last issue, where the Resurrection, the most sacrosanct event in all history, is com pared to some sort of levitation stunt. ( thought you chaps had so ravaged the laws of obscenity, libel and sedition th at you might have had enough restraint to avoid the fourth mem ber of the quartet, blasphemy. Jack Ferguson, Padstow, N.S.W. Sharp replies: Let's hope G od has a sense o f hum our. I f he hasn’t he’s hardly worth worrying about. Sir, 1 have read most of the editions of your magazine. Whilst pleased with the fact th at attem pts at satire are being made, because I believe political and social satire is essential in a society such as ours, I have been alarm ed at the shoddiness of some of the m aterial printed. In this field I feel you have reached an all-time low in the article "Once Upon

All About OZ EDITORS: Richard Neville, Richard Walsh. ART DIRECTOR: M a r t i n Sharp. ARTISTS: Gary Shead, Mike Glasheen. STAFF: Anou, Winifred, A. G. Read, Gina Eviston. * O Z is p u b lis h e d by O Z P ub­ lica tio n s Ink L im ite d , 16 H unter Street, Sydney. BW 4197: X M 1448. * O Z is n o t sponsored b y a n y in s titu tio n , o rg a n is a tio n or pres­ sure g ro u p — it is th e o n ly g e n u in e ly in d e p e n d e n t m a g a ­ zine in A u s tra lia . * OZ needs co n trib u to rs . Please send m anu scrip ts o r a rtw o rk to the a b o v e address. * OZ a p p e a rs on th e firs t o f every m o nth. It is a v a ila b le fro m street-corner news vendors an d la rg e r city new sa ge n ts. C o l­ lins Book D epot d is trib u te s OZ in M e lb o u rn e ; M a ry M a rtin 's Bookshop sells OZ in A d e la id e . * Back copies o f O Z are a v a il­ a b le fo r a s h illin q each — issues 2 to 8.

A T im e . . . ” (OZ, A P R IL ). The only out­ standing fact about this article is th at the w riter should actually have the nerve to p u t his nam e to such trash, which is barely of F irst Y ear H igh School standard. T hat such naivety and sensationalism should m as­ querade under the guise of satire is a slur upon the purpose of the magazine and an insult to you r readers’ intelligence. O. C. Tilbury, Campsie, N.S.W. Sir, U pon reading the latest edition of OZ I noticed your advertisem ent for literature on ‘‘H ow to beconte a King H am boner and a King H itter”. One never knows when to take you seriously but I have enclosed a 5d stamp and shall expect such literature to be forw arded in the near future. Patrick Barry, Killara, N.S.W. Sir, lo h n Jarred in his letter in the April OZ seems to have analysed you and found your personalities deficient. Y ou are frustrated and consequently need to challenge authority. You have no control over your emotions and will soon be in trouble again. (I don’t wonder.) You are insecure and compulsively show off in order to prove yourselves. Y ou are cunning and sly, but not the right sort, because of your hidden anger and covert hostility. Well, look. I ’m perfectly willing to adm it th at all this is true, but I would like to point out to M r Jarred th at psychological condi­ tions such as he detects have nothing to do with the effectiveness or quality o r astuteness of literary endeavours. A good p art of our most im portant literary heritage has been produced by people of genius who were m oti­ vated bv m ental disturbances of various degree and kind. G reat w ork is not produced, of course, as m any seem to assume, because the w riter is sick, but em otional im balance often provides the steam to run the boat. H appy people tend to sail through life m ore leisurely, enjoying the scenery, even when they’re geniuses. T he point is, analysing you doesn’t analyse OZ. A w riter is not his work. His w ork is a reflection of him, but you can do a lot with m irrors. M r Jarred seems to have fogged his u p and he w ould be well advised to put away his Pocket F reu d and go back to his W itchcraft fo r Beginners. W e don’t care how sick you are as long as OZ continues to improve. A n d if he prom ises to do that, I prom ise n o t to ask him how to edit the per­ fect magazine. Ross Smith, Buiideena, N.S.W. Sir, In 1961 I daringly m ade a trip to Hong Kong, despite the warnings of respectable A ustralians to the effect th at it was a sin city and I would be raped on every street corner. Whilst in the Crown Colony I led an abandoned life — going to num erous movie houses and seeing perfectly innocuous m otion pictures! One reason I enjoyed moviegoing in H ong K ong is because there is no film censorship there and one goes to a motion picture knowing full well that, whether the picture be good, bad, or indiffer­ ent, it will ru n through w ithout a cut. One of the movies I saw there was B U T T E R F IE L D 8, and early in the piece the tarnished heroine, Liz Taylor, explains to a sym pathetic Eddie Fisher th at as a child of 12 or 13 she had been raped by an old friend of the family. Liz then adds, “But do you

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know something? I enjoyed it. I enjoyed every bit of it!” U pon my return to A ustralia, I went to see B U T T E R F IE L D 8 again. Knowing the fan­ tastic idiocy of A ustralian censorship I should not have been surprised — but was — when a vital cut occurred in the sound track. Here, South of the E quator, where Men are Men, etc., Liz was allowed to say th at she had been raped, but the piece of dialogue in which she expressed her enjoym ent of the act was neatly excised. M oral: U nder A ustralian censorship laws it is O.K. for a girl of 12 to be raped, but she must not enjoy it. Roger Dard, Perth, W.A. Sir, Anything which attacks the Sacred Cows of A ustralia will have my undying support, w hether it contains sex, politics, religion, royalty or even “lavatory” hum our. However, if it involves crudity merely for the sake of seeing how far OZ can go w ithout being prosecuted fo r obscenity and not because of sincere exposures of stupid official attitudes, then I fear your m em bership will never reach the heights of good circulation. T his I feel applies to the article on page 6 o f your M arch issue. It gives an unfortunate impression o f being one m ore attack on homosexuals. I find this strange in OZ as surely the hom osexual has suffered under the hooves of A ustralian Sacred Cows too long as it is? P erhaps I misunderstood it, but th a t’s the im pression given to both my wife and myself. A lthough I subscribe to the views of Vol­ taire (“ I do not agree with what you say but I will defend,” etc.) I would also hope th at OZ keeps its integrity. 3. Barnard, Bexley, N.S.W'.


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fiji or n o t fiji “ Poverty is a re la tiv e th in g , a n d it can be said o n ly th a t m a n y c h il­ dren in A u s tra lia a n d Fiji a re b e ing raised w ith o u t distress b y parents in m uch less c o m fo rta b le c irc u m ­ stances th a n those o f N a n c y ’s fa th e r, w h o is th e o w n e r o f a house p ro p e rty a t Suva a n d is a s k ille d tra d e sm a n in a fie ld w h e re there is a steady d e m a n d in F iji.” — “ The Times of Fiji.” M r Prasad fo rm e rly w a s a Public W orks D e p a rtm e n t fo re m a n , b u t has not w o rk e d since his return fro m v is itin g m em bers o f his fa m ily in A u s tra lia . He sa id he o w n e d tw o houses a t Suva, liv in g in one a n d re n tin g out th e other. " I have been o ffe re d several jo b s ,’ ' M r Prasad s a id , “ But the m oney w a s lo w e r th a n I w a s g e t­ tin g w ith the P ublic W orks D e p a rt­ m e n t." — Sydney “ D aily Telegraph, A pril 6 , '64. As I finished pouring their cool drinks, the faithful old retainers commenced fanning the Presshard family, including the newly arrived young ones who had come back to Fiji to invest in the family corporation. And I reflected back to that day when it all began I had been polishing their shoes at the Presshard home on the outskirts of Suva, the capital of Fiji, with one ear cocked to the excited babble coming from the den. I was beginning to get rather frustrated trying to make out w hat was going on. Then I spotted Ahmed, their courier, coming out of the den. Truly, yes, he had heard most of the conver­ sation, for he’d been kept waiting while the old man double checked the rent Ahmed had delivered from the Presshard’s other property. It seemed, according to Ahmed, that after consultations with their accountants, the Presshards discovered that they could afford a little holiday. Like a four m onths’ trip, across the seas to Sydney, A ustralia. Now, with a sly grin and a chuckle, Ahmed told me what had eventuated when the family got to Sydney. Startled to find out that the basic wage was triple th at of Fiji, the enterprising Presshards. forsaking all plans for a holiday, were loath to miss out; so they all took jobs. They pooled their savings, in the good old fam ily tradition and purchased a house in one o f the outer suburbs, N ot too elaborate a place of course — they d idn’t want to make the T axation Dept, suspicious — just a small place th a t they figured would gain a capital appreciation of between ten and fifteen per cent, per annum.

One night, setting aside his Financial Review, old m an Presshard began to muse, something was worrying him; something disturbed his sense of security —■ their visas had expired! H e contem plated changing their name to O ’Pressard but rejected it because being a Black Irishm an would not help at all. He wondered if he might buy each mem ber of his fam ily a Star o f David? No, he con­ sidered th at too expensive. Besides, that trick was passe. Suddenly he jum ped to his feet and hastily sum moned his comely daughters, who were at this time weaving baskets in the kitchen, following their shift at G .M .H . He decreed th at they must prom ptly snare them ­ selves fair Aussie husbands so that perhaps they could all rem ain in A ustralia. D utifully the daughters carried out Pop’s orders and pretty soon they were paying more attention to their newly acquired A ustralian passports than they were to their newly acquired A ustralian spouses. D ad and M um and G rans held out till the bitter end, fighting their deportation order, but very shrewdly, fearing a M eans Test investigation, flew the coop. But not before they form u­ lated a certain plan with kindly, courteous, w ell-regarded daughter Raye. If only the sweet little six-year-old Clancy, with the big eyes could be allowed to stay . . . mmm., then perhaps the old folk back in Fiji, pining for him, w ould be perm itted to come back and be with him. Pretty sneaky, eh? Hastily vetting the Comm onwealth H ealth Benefits Act, they shoved young Clancy into a hospital and forestalled his deporta­ tion by having his foreskin removed. The boy improved, out of sound and out of mind, and Xm as came and Easter passed and Big Sister was too busy with all that overtime she was m aking to take tim e off from work to accom pany the child back to his parents. She was so busy, she even forgot to cash in those tickets Q antas had given her for £200. But O pp’s boys were getting a bit jack of all this stalling and decided it was a bit much. Raye hid Clancy away with some neighbourly Sicilians, who were pastm asters at this sort o f thing. Then she called D ad in Fiji.

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Poor ole Dad, she related afterw ards to the Press Conference she had called, was lam ent­ ing and wringing his wrists. How could he afford to keep poor little Clancy? Surely everyone could understand his situation. The m arket had dropped and they hadn’t really made that much money on the Brisbane TV shares and didn’t he have an ulcer and couldn’t work and if he was in A ustralia he'd be still getting his Social Service? Following D ad’s instructions that if this didn’t work, she was to invoke the AfroAsian bit, sister Raye called in that G hanaian Adjoola w hat’s-her-name. The one who saw all, did all and knew all. H adn’t she m arried a fair young Aussie and now had access to the ears at the Daily M irror'! The editorial and Over-52’s colum n really brought lum ps to the throats and tears to the eyes of many noted Sydney personalities. A ndrea broadcast th at she would never vote again. F ath er Noffs of the D ario Metho Mission cried shame. The U nion, the Town H all, lu n e Dally-W atkins, the Settlers’ Assoc, all got in the act. The Prim e M inister, inter­ viewed while filtering his w ater into a gin bottle in the M inisterial ante-room , declared that it was a frightful piece of extravagance and that A ustralia was too jolly well gene ous. Feeling like true cham pions of their faith, the Presshards relaxed with relief. Then it happened! Old A hm ed blabbed — shot off an anonymous letter to The Times of Fiji, because D ad Presshard w ouldn’t pay him for doing his laundry. Oppy and his boys said they knew the £acts of the case all along but actually it was Colonel Spry who dobbed them in — for getting Child Endowm ent. —BELROY

round the world on a limerick A U S T R A L IA “M y D y n a s ty ’s endless, I ’m M in g M y R eig n is a cyn ical thin g W e K n ig h ts o f the T h istle M a y g low er a n d bristle B u t I'v e sh o w n A r th u r C alw ell w h o ’s K in g .” E AST G E R M A N Y H err U lb rich t then got up to speak “D ea r C o m ra d es, the p ro sp ect is bleak A b a b y ’s to o sm a ll T o clim b o v er the W all B u t a to d d ler d e fe c te d last w eek.” RUANDA “W a tu tsi c a n n o t be den ied ," T h e B a h u tu p resid en t cried, “M y plan is q u ite juicy: L e t’s K I L L the W a tu tsi!” B e fo re long, ten th o u sa n d h a d died. U N IT E D S T A T E S “I ’m C assius M a rcellu s C lay T h e greatest prizefighter to d a y. I o w e m y success T o m y brilliance, I guess A n d to A lla h , w ho gives the O .K ." — G ra n t N ichol.


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APRIL If the A ustralian film industry is to develop it should be banned— Senator Have you noticed? That Liverpool Sound is getting fa in te r and fain ter. Exhausted by six months o f ballyhoo, the bandw aggon is grin ding perceptibly to a standstill. The unsold records can be m elted dow n to be re-cast into the next big sound, but the w igs w ill have to go back to the factory. The Beatle stockings, divested o f the ir distinctive labels, can descend once more to the bargain basement. A nd the young girls can reserve the ir energies fo r the next hysteria -—- be autifu l creatures biding th e ir tim e. Les belles dames sans Mersey.

The eeriest thing about the Sydney mail strike was the way in which the Letters to the Editor columns of the daily newspapers were so singularly unaffected. Talk about Ghostwriters in the Night!

H A P P Y E N D IN G : W ith an absolute m inim um o f fuss, M r Justice G ibbs delivered his report on Brisbane’s N ational H otel. H e found that there had been no neglect or violation o f duty in relation to policing the hotel. A ll the witnesses, w ithout exception, were unreliable and their testim ony im ­ possible to accept. H e reported that the liquor laws had in fact been broken at the hotel and M r M ax R oberts, the proprietor, should bear som e responsibility for a “certain laxity” in the booking o f “un­ desirables” into the hotel. H e found that there w as “a friendly relationship” between the R oberts fam ily and m any m em bers o f the police force, including P olice C om m issioner Bischoff. But, o f course, the police knew nothing about w hat w as going on— or, rather, there was insufficient evidence that they did, w hich is m uch the sam e sort o f thing. T he really w onderful thing ab ou t it all was the tim ing o f the publication o f the report. It cam e out right in the m iddle o f Q ueensland’s P olice W eek. The very next day, w hat the “ Courier M ail” called “an unexpectedly big crow d” turned out to cheer through Brisbane’s streets a procession o f 300 police from all States m ounted on bikes, old style police cars and other P.R . paraphernalia. In the flush o f nostalgia, Brisbane’s fearless, independent Press entirely fo r­ g ot to raise any o f the niggling doubts a few people entertained about the N ational Hotel Report.

Rice and Turkey. M andy Rice-Davies — “Lady H am ilton” to those who rem ember — may never have got her W aterloo but this m onth she did experience her Gallipoli. A fter entering T urkey for an Istanbul nightclub engagement, she was routed by the Turkish M others’ U nion, w hich com ­ plained that her example might send the young girls dow nhill and up veil. A fter the M inistry of the Interior (come again?) issued an order expelling her “for her unwelcome behaviour in T urkey” she went to the British Embassy fo r consulation. T urkey is a country of enorm ous political upheaval, with strong parties on both the Left and Right. But young M andy did not allow her allegiances w ander. I guess she just had too m any friends in the Middle.

An American dental report has revealed that kissing m ay cause the spread o f tooth decay. The M inister fo r Health, Senator W ade, confessed to Parliam ent th a t 4 0 years ago he w o u ld not have considered tooth decay a heavy penalty fo r kissing. A pretty da ring sort o f statem ent fo r a p a rlia ­ m entarian tha t! I d o n 't know w h y w e do n’t just go ahead and make kissing an offence.

Poor Irene, disowned and disinherited because she wasn’t going to have her wed­ ding in Holland. She will go down in pos­ terity as the princess who forsook the dykes for a Reign in Spain. * * * These anim al graft operations are becom­ ing increasingly common. A friend of ours recently had one of her kidneys rem oved and replaced with a m onkey’s. Then she had p a rt of her pan­ creas similarly exchanged. Finally, faced with sclerosis o f the liver, she had to have the left lobe of a m onkey liver grafted. Everything is just fine now. T hat is, she looks to be quite healthy, if only they could persuade her to come down off the roof * * * r l 'H E two greatest living clowns both this m onth celebrated an im portant birthday. C harlie Chaplin celebrated his 75th in Switzer land and N ikita K hrushchev celebrateed his 70th in Moscow. Soviet author Svet K otenko eulogised: “the years have proved powerless to extin­ guish his kind, happy smile, his great love of mankind. He created and made dear to millions of people the character of a little man suffering under the brutal laws of a brutal society” (M elb. H erald. April 17). — nelson


££ ££ £ This m onth over half o f the, tw o million shares in United Telecasters (Queensland) Pty. Ltd., recently granted Brisbane’s third T.V . licence, changed hands to “southern in­ terests". For a fortnight it was anyone's guess and everyone’s side-bet as to which o f the Big Four in newspapers, radio and television (Reg, Sir John, R upert or Sir Frank) had bought the shares. A n d now we, know . . . . E G A N SE T T was outright favourite as perpetrator of the coup from the start. Once a bus-driver, he has never quite m an­ aged to transcend the lack of m anners characteristic of his form er calling. H e is the greatest unknighted sycophant o f the Liberal G overnm ent. A t the last Federal elections he inserted advertisements in the Press favour­ ing the return of the M enzies Government. H is form al title is C hairm an o f Ansett Transport Industries Ltd. Came to public notice when he took over A ustralian N ational Airways. Extensive interests in road haulage, Pioneer buses and hotels. Came into the big com m unications biz 'ate. H as a vital 5 p er cent, interest in le new Perth and A delaide television chan­ nels. A ustaram a Television Pty. Ltd., granted M elbourne’s new channel in April, is a wholly owned subsidiary o f Ansett Transport Ltd. H e has never been one to avoid unpopu­ larity. The V ictorian G overnm ent was re­ cently forced to initiate an inquiry into the methods by which he m anaged to forestall a V ictorian State Rivers and W ater Supply Commission plan to put a reservoir on part of the Mt. Eliza estate, from which he heli­ copters to w ork daily. Since then he has annoyed D andenong residents by the enorm ity of the land clear­ ance undertaken in the construction of his new TV tow er and chastened sm all punters who recently lost tens o f thousands of pounds when he withdrew the favourite from the A ustralian H urdle because he claimed the prizemoney of £1,300 was too sm all to be w orth his consideration. Senator Paltridge is reported to be in­ clined to underw rite A nsett’s television in­ terests as generously as his airlines: Sir R obert is reported to think th a t Ansett has

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gone too far. T he nigger in the Liberal woodpile is the new A ttorney-G eneral, Billie Snedden, avowed opponent of restrictive practices, w ho represented interests opposed to A nsett at th e Mt. Eliza Case. H e is anathem a to all present and poten­ tial L abour G overnm ents, particularly that of N.S.W., which prevented his bulldozing East-W est A irlines out of business. H e is the golden boy of all true Liberals: particularly H enry Bolte (w ho took the witness stand for him during the Mt. Eliza c a se ), M r Anderson, the D irector of Civil A viation (w ho gave evi­ dence for him before the Broadcasting Com­ mission) and, last, but not least, Senator P alt­ ridge, the M inister for Civil A viation and his unflagging ally, w ho has undertaken to m ani­ pulate things so th at A nsett is able to pay its shareholders 10 p er cent, on capital after tax and “reasonable reserves”. SIR FR A N K PACKER is no stranger to com pany take-overs. H e bought into G TV M elbourne after it was awarded its television licence, has devoted some of the best years of his life to brow beating the directors of A ngus & R obertson’s and on one fam ous occasion actually used physical force in an attem pt to take possession of Sydney’s Anglican Press. H e was second favourite in the Brisbane Stakes. As well as G TV , he is chairm an of TCN Sydney, has a strong share in the new New­ castle channel and smaller interests in M ur­ doch’s channels. The Postmaster-General recently gave him a direct-line link between his M elbourne and Sydney channels at u n ­ disclosed, but presum ably generous, terms. The source of his w ealth is “The A ustra­ lian W om en’s W eekly”, his extravagant baby is “The Bulletin”, the great disappointments in his life are the now defunct “A ustralian Financial Tim es” and th e ill-fated Gretel. His Sydney “T elegraph” is so one-eyed that even the Libs, take it with a grain of salt. But he has his knighthood fo r all of that. * » * SIR JOHN WILLIAMS, knighted for his services, is the M anaging-D irector o f the Mel­ bourne H erald and Weekly Tim es group. His principal new spaper interests are: The M elbourne “H erald ”, the M elbourne “Sun-

News Pictorial”, the Adelaide “A dvertiser” and Brisbane “C ourier M ail”. T he H erald and Weekly Tim es owns 85 per cent, of the shares in H SV Pty. Ltd., o f M elbourne. T hrough its interest in Queensland Press it owns approxim ately 14 per cent, o f the shares in BTQ Brisbane and, through A dvertiser N ewspapers, approxi­ mately 13 p er cent, of the shares in A DS Adelaide. Sir Jo h n ’s group has been described as the greatest purveyor of news in this country, but it is fairly selective about w hat news it sees fit to print. F o r example, N A T IO N recently (D ecem ber 14, 1963) revealed that in its coverage of the interim report on the Reid M urray collapse, this group omitted any m ention of the p a rt played in the disas­ ter by the E quity Trustees Executors and Agency Com pany, one o f whose directors is M r G. A. Caro, chairm an o f H erald and Weekly Tim es Ltd. iMR RUPERT M URDOCH is the undis­ puted king o f the yellow Press. H is newspaper interests are: Sydney’s M irror N ewspapers Ltd. (including a string of m etropolitan weeklies), the A delaide “News”, Brisbane “T ru th ”, M elbourne “T ru th ” and “TV News”. H e controls one television licence in A delaide and one to a lesser extent in Wollongong. Rupe is the w hite hope o f fearless, in­ dependent journalism in A ustralia and re­ mains unknighted fo r his endeavours in this field, unlike his father, Sir K eith. H ow ­ ever, he has recently been engaged in un­ disclosed share-swaps with Sir F ran k Packer, whose news-values are notoriously con­ tagious. This month the Prime Minister, with that over-weaning humility so characteristic of him. predicted that the Liberal-CP coalition would win the next five Federal elections. But even Sir Robert has to admit that, even if it takes twenty-five years, one day the Labour Party must come to power. A Labour Party secretly committed to nationalisation of Press and communications utilities, frus­ trated by electoral! failure and ready to blame tbe Press for its protracted humiliation. What will happen to Sir Reginald, Sir Frank and their cronies then? Nothing. By that time they will have things so sewn up that no one will even know that tbe Libs have quitted the Treasury benches.

OZ, May 7


And they’re all made out of Ti SPORTS ambitions Church

To M ake Love to A lbert Schweitzer

The Peter P an Ball A dultery

To Learn Indonesian To become dresser

Tax Evasion

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Entertain the Beatles “at hom e ”

Shop-lifting

Eunuchs

Turning Grass into Lawn

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Beatlemania Commuting

Beatniks State-schoolboys Indigenous Austral Greengrocers Friendly Electrolux

Atheists

Stam p Collecting — from A m pol Garages

W riting Letters Herald

people tl hate

Russians

th e To throw a boomerang To Pick a Box To Ban the Bomb To enter the Herald Garden contest

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To Open an Account at DJ's Coitus Interruptus

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Poofter-bashing K ey mania V.D. Two-up Drowning M oving to the Mirror Christianity

To Own a Set of the Great Books of the Western W orld To M ake the Social Pages To M eet ci Disc-Jockey

U p per-class Middle-class A b o ’s Cops A rtists Gordon Chater


This is a beetle. It is defined by W ebster’s Dic­ tionary as: “ a heavy ham m ering or ram m ing instru­ ment, usually w ith a wooden head, used for driving wedges, ram m ing pavements, etc.” .

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These are four effem inate pop-singers from Liverpool w ho are quite nice guys w ith average talent.

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This is Brian Epstein. A slick entrepreneur. He decided to m anage the boys and call them the 'Beaties’. These are a fe w English teenagers. They dig the Mersey sound.

W hite Australia Policy Smoking does cause Cancer but we don’t care

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This is a hack journalist. He was rung-up by Mr. Epstein and told how the kids were going crazy over the Beaties’. He w rites lots of lovely stories.

Export Action Here are some English teenagers w ho read the stories and fa ll in love w ith the Beatles .

Legalised A bortion Sir R obert

This is a Sydney disc-jockey w ho is bored stiff. He reads about the ‘Beatles’ in a London magazine. He loves their records and can’t w a it to spin plenty.

“Hush P u p p ies’ Test Cricket

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Pure fruit juices “The Group ' Standing for the National Anthem

These are some publicity-hungry teenagers w ho queue up 48 hours early to buy tickets to the Beatle concert.

Eating an Extra Egga D ay Colour TV

These are the dreary mazagines th a t thrive on reprinting syndicated photos and phony articles about the m ythical fifth ‘Beatle’ and the girl ‘Beatle’. This is a departm ent store w ith a special 'Beatleshop’ (only they spell it Beetle ’cause they’re too stingy to pay copyright). They sell Beatle wigs , 'Beatle jew ellery’, 'Beatle suits’ and ‘Beatle briefs'. These are a lot more disc-jockeys, crap R.R. men and unim aginative advertising executives w ho cash in and tell us the w o rld has gone ‘Beatle-mad’.

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That “O m o” really does wash whiter “Pimplex” Surfers Paradise The Hasty Tasty Santa Claus That Sir Francis Bacon really wrote the plays at­ tributed to Shakespeare

These are the rows of concert seats that still haven’t been hooked three weeks later.


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D am e M argot Fonteyn. Margaret Partridge. A n n e van Bochove. K atie Galbraith. G illian Sharpe (nee G arland). Lady L lo yd Jones. Sim one D ekyvere. T im D uval. Mrs. John Laszlo. Gillis and N aiom i Broinoiski.

11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20.

M rs. Peter M cA uley (nee Sue B ookalil). Bill and Diana M ilne. D oug and M olly Lam b. Sue Duval. Peter and Jan Hanlon. A nnabelle Stirton. K erry Henderson. A lan and Sylvia Beeman. D enis O 'Neil. N ola Dekyvere, (H om e thoughts from a broad).

social F or sheer nerve, you’ve got to hand it to Alan and Sylvia Beeman. E ither they don’t like their friends very much, or they have so m any they can afford to alienate a few. The big ‘'tre a t” at tneir dinner party was not a llaming bom balaska or a rare Old pori, but— G od help those poor guests—slides of S s and her daughter L y n n es trip! W e feel that S’s “very witty and knowledgeable com­ m entary” did litue to relieve m e dreadtuJ boredom. In any case, we were so staggered by such a bourgeois form of entertainm ent am ong o ur so-caiied upper-crust we couldn't resist giving the Beeman s a position on the charts. Talking of bourgeois entertainm ents we are getting heartily sick and tired of Denis O ’N e ils fancy dress parties at his Darling Point boatshed. Sydney seems to be desper­ ately in need of new young social stars with original acts—in the m eantim e we simply have to include Denis. This time it was a “Wild West P arty” (S.H. 29/3;. W hat fas­ cinated us were tne guests coming on from the opening o f H enry V. Did they wear their Wild Bill H ickock outfits to the show or did they slip on their holsters over the beaded brocades afterw ards? We predict th at Simone Dekyvere is a young star that we are going to see a lot m ore of. She has been m ore or less pushed into the lim elight by her am bitious parents —and the silver m ink stole they guve her for ner 21st birthday. (S.M. 19/4). A s Hedda H olt rem arked, she could not have worn it to the party a t her M osman home. This m eans th at she’ll have to go to lots of balls, etc., so th at all th at money w on’t have been wasted. Simone and her fu r will become a well-known twosome on th e Sydney social scene this winter, unless we are mistaken. Social T op Twenty fans will feel a twinge of sadness when they learn th at the second of the fam ous G arland sisters, Gillian, has been m arried. (Trinity and G illian were one of the m ost popular teams perform ing on the social stage.) Still, it was good to see that Trinity, playing m atron-of-honour, was on this show, which was quite a trium ph. There were the usual pre-wedding publicity stunts— stag parties, kitchen, shower and pantry teas (S.H. 5/4/1964) leading up to the Big P er­ form ance. T he F irst A ct took place at wellknow n St M ark’s F u n P arlour at Darling Point, the Second at the equally well-known Fernleigh Castle, and for the T hird and Final A ct the couple moved on to Lord Howe Island. (Best coverage S.H. 12/4). Probably

the m ost popular of the supporting cast was Tweed W alton, skiing enthusiast, w ho flew hom e from A ustria to be bridesm aid (Herald 9/4) w hich just shows that Nancy w asn’t the only one born to fly. A t first we thought Lady Lloyd Jones was merely trying to one-up Sydney s puoncityhungry Patrons des A rts in m anaging to endure both Patrick W hite and Sidney Nolan for a w hole evening (S.T. 29/3/64) (though we nevertheless adm ired such stam ina in a woman of her years. Perhaps old socialites are like old soldiers.) But it seems her alacrity in opening “stately R osem ont” to Sir W illiam W alton springs from nner sen­ timents m an a desire to r prestige. T his touch­ ing twosome has graced a num ber of gather­ ings lately, and after Sir W ’s coy rem ark, “I could steal your h a t” (S.T. 19/4/64), nothing would surprise us. Of course the best thing about this rom ance is th at Lady L.J. w ouldn't need to sacrifice her precious title—doubtless a consideration th at has held her back on previous occasions. A pparently undaunted by her recent rom antic reversals, Anne van Bochove is one perform er who refuses to let her private life interfere w ith h er social career. A fter taking things quietly for a while, Sydney’s own D utcn Delignt has come back onto the local scene in a Dig way. The Telegraph (9/4/64) spotted her ‘'dancing divinely” on board the EHems this m onth in a dress whose top (according to one rep o rter’s description) was scooped to the beaded hipline. So much bared bosom may be divine to some, but it’s hardly o u r cup of ambrosia. A nd as a pre-ball publicity stunt A nne lunched at the Bistro with well-known social exhibitionist N icholina K uner (nee Ralston), ostensibly discussing final plans for the dance (M irror, 2/4/64). A fter this act, we think A nne is ready to appear at C annes’ one Film Festival. Though a newcomer to the OZ charts, M argaret Partridge has m oved straight into No. 2 position on the Top Twenty. T h ere’s something insidious about M arg’s publicity —she’s been climbing the social ladder in sneakers. However, we m ust say at once that it’s the quantity of her m entions and appearances rath er than their quality that has p u t h er where she is today. Every photo and press release is the same. She lacks originality and initiative and we predict a very short run for M arg. In a word— definitely not star material.


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The liveliest, most unpredictable, all A ustralian, all live variety show of the month was the Senate's debate on the A ustralian television industry. They were discussing the Select Comm ittee’s report on the Encouragement o f Australian Production fo r Television. Here are some of the acts: Senator Drake-Brockman: W h y do w e w a tch te le v is io n ? People w a tc h te le visio n fo r d iffe re n t reasons. Perhaps no tw o o f us w a tc h it fo r the same reason. like it. T hat's w h y Senator Henty: I w a tch it. Senator Drake-Brockman: That is a p o in t. Perhaps some p e o p le w a tc h te le ­ visio n to be e n te rta in e d a n d to relax. O th e r p e o p le m ig h t p u t some o th e r reason first. Senator M aher: I g o to sleep. * * * Senator Kennelly: O n ly one per cent, o f the d ra m a te le vise d in A u s tra lia is o f A u s tra lia n o rig in . M o st o f th e re­ m a in d e r o rig in a te s in th e U.S. o f A m erica. I have no q u a rre l a b o u t th a t, b u t nonetheless te le v is io n is a m e d iu m w h ich w e sh o u ld e m p lo y to e sta b lish our o w n tra d itio n , a n d , as I heard som e body else say, to im m o rta lis e our o w n culture. * * * Senator Kennelly: By w a y o f in te r­ jection he (Senator H a n n an ) to ld the Senate th a t one A u s tra lia n d ra m a had a ve ry g o o d ra tin g . I w a s interested b u t I fo rg e t its nam e. Senator Brown: It w a s ‘C onsider Y our V e rd ic t” . Senator Kennelly: Yes. I lo o k a t it som etim es. Senator Brown: There w a s s p le n d id a ctin g in th a t. Senator Kennelly: I w ill n o t com m ent on th e acting. * * * Senator Breen: I th in k it e xtre m e ly im p o rta n t there sh o u ld be a w o m a n on both these bodies (A.B.C. a n d the B roadcasting C ontrol Board).

Senator Gorton: You w o u ld settle fo r a w o m a n o f experience, w o u ld yo u ? Senator Breen: Yes, a w o m a n o f experience. * * * Senator Cant: The sta te m e n t o f the te le v is io n sta tio n s th a t th e y are g iv in g p e o p le w h a t th e y w a n t ra th e r rem inds me o f a story o f a m an th a t w a s b ro u g h t b e fo re the O ld B a ile y in Lon­ d on ch a rg e d w ith h a v in g d is trib u te d p o rn o g ra p h ic lite ra tu re . The basis o f his defence w a s th a t he w a s g iv in g the p e o p le w h a t th e y w a n te d . * * * Senator W right: I say a t the outset th a t I th in k I w a s d ra fte d on to the C o m m itte e h a v in g no a rtis tic a tta in ­ m ents o r e xperience in m atters p e rta in ­ ing to d ra m a , n e ith e r as a n a rtis t nor an actor. * * * Senator Cant: "B onanza” is a w e s t­ ern th a t is supposed to ha ve ve ry h ig h ra tin g . A lm o s t e v e ry b o d y in this ch a m b e r w o u ld ha ve seen th is p ro ­ g ra m m e . It d epicts the o n ly ca ttle ranch I have '^ e n d e p icte d w ith o u t an y ca ttle on it I th in k the yo u n g p e o p le o f A u s tra lia w o u ld w a n t to k n o w w h y a ca ttle ranch d id n o t ca rry a n y cattle. Such film s lead to b ra in w a s h in g and g iv e v ie w e rs an im p re ssio n th a t such c o n d itio n s w o u ld be fo u n d i f th e y w e n t to the U n ite d States. * * * Senator W right: W hen I s it b a ck in m y a rm c h a ir w ith m y s lip p e rs on and w a tc h a te le v is io n p ro g ra m m e , I like to see a b it o f fu n ; b u t a t th e same tim e I am one o f those fe llo w s w h o d id not have th e o p p o rtu n ity to go to

O x fo rd a n d w h o d id n o t have lo n g to spend in e d u c a tiv e channels w h ic h w o u ld g iv e to m a n y o f us, p a rtic u la rly the m en o f a d u lt years in th e co untry, a n d th e ir w o m e n fo lk , th e d e lig h ts o f lite ra tu re ’s a cq u a in ta n ce , h is to ry ’s s tim u la tio n and o th e r e d u c a tio n a l pleasures. I b e lie ve there is a g re a t p ro p o rtio n o f p o p u la tio n w h o se th irs t fo r k n o w ­ le d g e w o u ld d e riv e tre m e n d o u s sa tis ­ fa c tio n , w h o se souls w o u ld be s tim u ­ la te d a n d w h o se life w o u ld be e n te r­ ta in e d i f e d u c a tio n a l purposes w e re in the m in d s o f those w h o are d e v e lo p in g this new and te rrific a lly e xcitin g m e d iu m b y w h ic h k n o w le d g e , e n te r­ ta in m e n t a n d in fo rm a tio n can be co n ­ veyed. Senator Orm onde: You co u ld n o t sell it to a d ve rtise rs. *

*

Senator Orm onde: W hen I s a w it I th o u g h t th e re w o u ld be a lo t o f m others a ll o ve r A u s tra lia w h o w o u ld be fe e lin g a b it w o rrie d on S a tu rd a y n ig h t, if th e y s a w th is film , a b o u t w h a t w a s h a p p e n in g to th e ir sons a t K ings Cross. It w a s s u g g e sted to m e th a t in a se a b o a rd to w n yo u m ust h a ve this sort o f th in g , th a t w h e n th e sailors com e in th e y ha ve to be lo o ke d a fte r. A n d yo u d o h e a r th a t expression o f v ie w in m ost u n e xp e cte d places. Senator H annaford: W o u ld it not be ju st as lo g ic a l fo r m a n y o f th e m others to be w o rry in g a b o u t w h a t w a s h a p ­ p e n in g to th e ir d a u g h te rs? * * * Senator W right: There is a tendency to ju m p o ff the w a ll a n d say "W e w a n t A u s tra lia n d ra m a ” . I, fo r m y p a rt, y ie ld in g to no one in m y a p p re ­ c ia tio n o f th e v a lu e s th a t m ake the A u s tra lia n character, w a n t to see the European w a y o f life , th e B ritish w a y o f life a n d , p e rh a p s, the Japanese w a y o f life.


®f)£ perfect jtlurber *<> 0only

it aint murder)

the colum n o f lasting insignificance b y John W ilcock

Notes on the Nature of Things T he m ain idea is to have foresight— plan your slaying fo r som e time. N one of this hotblooded “crime passionelle” stuff. It doesn’t wash with Rotarians. T he only foolproof defence is insanity— tried and tested, the m odern way to live. A nd to be a success with insanity, as with anything, you need background, a certain presence and good references. It helps to be truly comm itted to insanity. T hink it out carefully. H ave some lousy early experience, like taking a bite out of m um ’s left breast or being toilet-trained with a pineapple. Any jury encountered in later years will latch on to things like this. W atch them shift about uneasily as the ghostly image of a pineapple rises w ithin them. In your childhood, play it shy, unhappy, withdrawn. Peep around th e do o r when mum m y and daddy m ake those funny noises. T hen throw a tantrum . T he onslaught of puberty is the time for your first onslaught, too. W hen you feel the first pube inching around the blood­ stream, swear at parents, go religious, d o n ’t wash, go on a sexual ram page. (D on t get carried away at this stage. It s fun but first things first—you’re after a real killing.) U p to now it’s all been preparation, mere groundw ork. N ow you’re ready for the big event. . Since your insanity is judged by the jury from the type of colourful crim e you com ­ mit, ask yourself: Is it novel, is it A ustra­ lian? • Be thorough, do the w hole bloody family. (A n old and infallible favourite.) ® M ake it bizarre, get a gim m ick. Some

M elbourne w om an was curiously satisfied by dismembering hubby and spreading his charm s around Collingwood. Lawson did a nice job autographing his victim with lip­ stick (and a sheathknife). A nd rem em ber the M utilator? # Play it dum b after the event. Stand there, if y o u ’re not attem pting suicide, and say there was a red haze, everything went blank and you loved her. One nit tried to say h e’d thought it all out and decided the best solution was to shoot his young son. Obviously a fiend: no good A ustralian would think in his position. W hat a laugh—he didn’t deserve a recom­ m endation fo r m ercy (didn’t get one either). There are always openings for experienced men in this field. Insantly is pretty easy to prove if you’ve got off on it before. Some old hands have got it dow n to a fine art. Lawson is a shining example o f a cobbler sticking to. his last; another cobbler is due in court any day now in Sydney. With a good juicy background and a solid sort of crime under the belt, you can approach the trial with com plete equanimity. By the second day you’ve im pressed psychia­ trists, jury and journalists. W hen the trial collapses after your sensational attem pted attack on the judge, you can go off and be content to weave baskets or clip the hedges until quite recovered from the ordeal of the court case. Then, in a flash, away with dull delusions and pallid hallucinations! Be your norm al self and you’ll be out, free at th e governor’s displeasure. —D.L.

“Apartheid is perfectly right For those who are per­ fectly white. For those who are black It’s a stab in the hack

They will also be raising money

And hatred is hlack as the night”

spondence course at London Uni­

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SACHED stands for the “South African Committee for Higher Education” . Under Apartheid, the coloured South African is for­ bidden to enrol at the white man’s University. SACHED en­ ables non-whites to do a corre­ versity, thus providing him with the advantage of an education unattainable in his native land.

(G rant Nichol)

Next Wednesday,

for SACHED.

M ay 6th,

Give to SACHED on Commem

Sydney University students will be

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celebrating Commemoration Day.

help a South African.

Esquire’s Christmas issue had 215 pages of ads (out o f 334) and its inevitable nostalgic articles tha t yearn for better days. The men w ho started Esquire, in another generation so long ago, are still running it. In those days, as male fashion reporters, they endeavoured to set styles for the ir ow n commercial ga in ; now , 30 years later, they're still tryin g to impose eq ually lim ited view points about w ho's “ in ” and w ho isn t on a generation th a t (hopefully) is too b rig h t to accept the ir edicts. M ost in te llig e n t readers can reach the ir ow n conclusions about w h a t is the real and w h a t is fake w ith o u t any assistance from a hypocritical m agazine whose aging p u b ­ lisher has com plained th a t “ sex just isn’t smart any m ore.’ ’ . . . As Esquire has become more and more entangled in the roots o f its past, Play­ boy has been getting better and better. P layboy’s w ritin g , these days, is the most interesting o f any o f the slicks, and its unin hibite d discussions of such topics as sex, drugs, religious hypocrisy are the furthest out. Hefner, w hatever other lim i­ tations he m igh t have, obviously possesses the courage to stick his neck out fo r some o f his convictions. . . . Ask the W ar Resisters League (5 Beekman Street, NYC 38) fo r its list o f people w h o ’d like Christmas cards — people in gaol around the w o rld because they w o u ld n 't be drafted. . . . A ll the reasons w h y you shouldn't waste any tim e in England w o u ld make a good book, and I've often tho ugh t o f w ritin g it. But British p la y w rig h t Ted Hughes gives the most accurate summation o f the English character I’ve ever read in the Novem ber issue o f Canada's Saturday N ig h t m agazine (25 cents from 55 York Street, Toronto). A bout the English accent, he w rites: “ The a lo o f, condescending superiority, the dry fo rm a lity , the im p licit contempt, the routine thought and extinction o f fee lin g— above a ll, tha t pistol-shot, policing q u a lity .’ ’ . . . D on't dismiss the Black Muslim s too lig h tly . Take a look at the M uslim Creed, printed in each issue of Muham m ad Speaks (15 cents from 63 4 East 79th Street, Chicago 19)— it's just w h a t Christians be­ lieve w ith “ black’ ’ substituted fo r “ w h ite " . . . . When w ill some N ew York ba r or coffee house im port those great jukeboxes w ith tw is t movies th a t are m aking a fortune fo r th e ir operators in Europe and Japan? . . More off-beat are the items listed in Hoover Hong’s m ail order catalogue out o f Taiw an (P.O. Box 4 1 1 1 , Taipei). Everything from painted scrolls to snakeskin handbags, prices from 1 d o lla r u p ­ w ards. . . . Since the British developed their “ Fylingales Early W arning System’ ’ , g ivin g four m inutes’ notice o f an im pending nuclear attack, a popular lite ra ry gam e over there has been to speculate on how to best spend th a t fin a l fou r minutes. . . . Ten slogans— including Support New Y ork’s liinest, Bribe a Cop Today; Employ the Handicapped, Hire a Faggot; Report Obscene M a il to Your Postmaster, He M ay W a n t to Buy Some— are offered fo r 55 cents by M ax Zpod (724 East 27th Street, Brooklyn), w ho also offers a “ tape-sw apping service" comedy, reviews, o ff­ beat radio shows, discussions, etc.) fo r 4 dollars an nually. . . . FYI, the Time-Life organisa tion’s house m agazine, has been running household hints. The current one suggests th a t a ll odd nylons o f the same general shade (beige or grey) should be boiled together fo r 30 minutes, a t the end o f w hich a ll w ill match.

(By special arrangem ent w ith the ‘V illa g e Voice’, N e w York.)


( “T h e censor and the p o rn o g ra p h er are tw o sides o f the sam e p erso n .” — M ary M cC arth y .) Mr W. A . Chaffey, Deputy Leader o f the N.S.W . Country Party, in mid-April was lured into the N .S.W . Art Gallery by what he described as “adverse rumours” . After inspection, he emerged protesting that en­ tries in the N .S.W . T ravelling Art Scholar­ ship were rude and obscene: “Even worse than som e o f the things som etim es scrawled on the walls o f public lavatories,” The next day, our w atchful D aily Mirror caught Mr Chaffey m aking a return visit to the gallery and snapped a candid shot o f him exam ining a nude— “ It m akes you w onder w hether the drawings were taken from real life or im agination,” he mused. Aware that the exhibition could not last forever, M r Chaffey decided to preserve a sample on celluloid and send to som e friends . . . — er, “to warn them what to be on guard against”. One recipient, M r W etherell (M inister for Education), w as predictably aroused: “I strongly advise him not to try to send copies o f it through the post or deliver them to his electorate by hand. If he does so, he is likely to be arrested, and quite rightly lumbered off to Long Bay.” Mr Chaffey referred to the original nude as “gross depravity masquerading as cul­ ture”. We know a “gross depravity” w ho is masquerading as a censor.

The “Bulletin” is not a radical magazine. It does, occasionally, become pretty irritated about censorship (OZ has received sym pa­ thetic coverage), but a careful reader senses in its middle-aged pages an intrinsic prudish­ ness. T heir M elbourne columnist, for instance, was particularly unenlightened when com ­ menting on “the G ro u p ” incident. His angle seemed to b e : “hell, if you think ‘The G ro u p ’ is bad, let me show you some really juicy stuff (which he distastefully described)—get hold of this instead”. Then, with a display of virginal naivete, he proudly announced his ignorance of “voyeurism ” . In the A pril 25 “B ulletin”, a colum nist wrote on the Christine K eeler movie recently premiered in Brisbane. His them e was “Britain banned it—why didn’t we?” He was startled by “a very fleeting glimpse of her naked body complete with w hat appears to be a patch of pubic hair”. Similar still life pic­ tures are considered obscene by A ustralian Courts .. .” H e later continues: “sex rears its ugly and sometimes unctious head in every m ajor scene” and notes the one exception. Oh well, nothing like a suspected patch of pubic hair to send our local liberals scurry­ ing in mad retreat.

P its “Most Australians are well off in regard (o creature coinforls . . . yet Ihe absence of the expressed desire for culture and for higher things, and their conlenledness with ihe mediocre, make them perhaps the poorest rich people in the world to-day.” —Sir George H u b ert Wilkins, the A ustralian-born explorer. * * * G o d S a ve O u r S p ec io u s M in g H e's m o re than h a d his fling G o d S a ve O u r M in g ; S e n d h im V icto ria n W ith ch a n t G regorian T o the historian, G o d S a ve O ur M in g . * * * A short, balding man with a stubby black m oustache denied there were, any National Socialist Party m em bers in the house. “This is a gathering o f the Croatian M ovem ent,” he said. “Y o u can tell that by our accents.” A s he spoke, there was a chorus o f voices o f “Seig H eil” from a room towards the back o f the house. — Sydney “Sunday Telegraph,” April 19.

j V S C U S S IN G the burning of Fanny Hill in a recent editorial (20/2/’64), the authoritative Times Literary Supplement set out to discover how m uch effect obscenity had on readers. The answers it received were enlightening: “Thus the Perm anent U nder-Secretary to the H om e Office, on being asked if there was any relation between obscene publica­ tions and sex crimes or crimes of violence: We have often asked ourselves that question. I do not know the answer. We have asked the police and they do not know. “The Chief Constable of Liverpool: Well, it is aw fully difficult to say how they affect people- 1 should think it is well nigh im ­ possible to say that. “Finally, the D irector of Public Prosecu­ tions: / do not know , and I do not suppose anyone else knows, what corrupts. “It is a pretty w eak position fo r those who adm inister the law on this subject to find themselves in, and the result is that all along the line, from the investigating policeman and the sorter in the D .P .P ’s office right up to the final judgm ent in court, the authorities are trusting to instinct. “N inety-nine per cent., the D irector told the committee, o f the material that we look at . . . falls on one side or th ’e other w ith­ out having to go through any elaborate m ental process . . . ” Mr. Rylah, employing a sim ilar lack of elaborate m ental process, w ould undoubt­ edly agree.

W A N TED : The right kind of young thug for active police work. Hear N o Evil Speaking at a graduation o f A rts students, the new professor of Ita lia n at the University of Sydney departed from the tradition of uncontroversial graduation speeches to say th at censorship is never less than im pertinence, but becomes a wilful act of destruction if pursued or tolerated by an intellectual community. Professor May continued: “The desire to censor is in direct propor­ tion to squalor of m ind and in inverse proportion to intellect and em otional maturity. “Tacit acceptance of censorship by u n i­ versities am ounts to a deliberate stultifica­ tion of the educational system.” The Prem ier of NSW, Mr Heffron, who holds an honorary doctorate degree at the university, was guest of honour at the cere­ mony. W hen asked to comm ent on Professor M ay’s speech, M r H effron said: “U nfortunately, I was in a difficult position from which to hear and, so, cannot make any statem ent.”

Sergeant Crowley, secretary of the Vic­ torian Police Association, hit the headlines this m onth with some rem arkable obser­ vations on how to attract police recruits: “I agree th at the w earing of pistols is not really necessary in our service. But anything w hich will stim ulate interest in a police career m ust be considered. “A lthough this m ay not appeal to our commissioner and senior officers, I feel that to attract the right type of men between the ages of 19 and 22 in 1964, we must attach m ore glam our to a police career. “Pistols w orn openly in belt holsters are frowned upon in the Victoria police, but they are undoubtedly an attraction to the potential recruit who w ould derive con­ siderable pride in being allowed to wear a gun.”

* ALBERT OZ SLOPPY JOES ARE COMING.

T h e Q ueen M u m . bless h er heart, d id h a ve an a p p en d e c to m y , I su p p o se. I m ean, y o u c o u ld n ’t b la m e h er fo r cancelling her visit to A d ela id e un d er the circu m sta n ces. A n d her sc h ed u led sto p o v er in M a la ysia . B u t w e’re all glad she w as w ell en o u g h to m a k e a visit to N e w Y o rk , a n d to Jam aica, a n d to T rin id a d , a n d to B arbados, a n d to B erm u d a , instead. T o o b a d T o n y c o u ld n t stand in fo r her at the Adelaide Festival, but we m ight be lu c k y en o u g h to get h im fo r A n z a c D ay.


dunciad book V

Being a review of the cur­ rent issues of the Sydney University literary journals, “ Arna ” (edited by Ron B lair) and “ Hermes” (edited by Neil MacPherson and Donald An­ derson ). Plus a comment on OZ.

LA U R IE PAYNE

I walked the silent, darkened quad And felt the presence of a God; An awful voice within my head Cried: Weep, for literature is dead. Nothing’s left but recitations Of good old days and reputations. Oh, why are the P ro’s of yesteryear Still melting in Arnos produced by Blair? Who, safe in that bard’s Valhalla Hall Squeaks “No-one else can write at all.” And scattering his pearls upon the ground He writes like dead and raging Pound In his own inimitable parataxis That this his stunted age gone lax is. Too great, too proud, to stoop or plod John Cummings died a literary God. Gone his mind, interred; his figure, In R on Blair’s sight, keeps getting bigger. And all the rest keep coming back Like a cureproof literary gout attack. Turn to Arna, see inside The passe wits that flowered and died; See all the scribbling corpses there That R on once knew brought out to air. Clive Jam es’ snap-crack wit repartee In smoking packets leaps the sea Brilliant, topical, we’re assured (Though no-one understands a word). While M ungo’s disembodied whine, Becoming fainter all the time, Like Agamemnon’s beacon flame That telegrammed Illyrium’s shame Garbed — nay, pastiched — in Sitwellian verse, Keeps getting weaker, getting — no, that’s impossible! Ah, sighed the God, perhaps Blair’s right And time has dimmed our talent’s light. See Hermes, Id a’s G.P.O., Has lost his wings and walks so slow — Nay crawls from great lame Neil MacPherson With sixty-three’s bumauthorised version; And Donald Anderson drags behind Out-bid, out-bragged, out-fooled, out-rhymed, Both wide awake (the reader’s bored) Like Echo and Ass, du bon accord'. “L e t’s ask the readers to write,” brays Ass.^ “Yes, man, yes!” says Echo. “That’s gas!”

“Then tell them we destroyed the muck “A n d Puff! goes our ego, up, uP, UP.” “W e’ll plague the hacks, however hoary, “W ake up Geoff Chaucer! But get a story. “Since no-one reads beyond the name “The first two iteins will be the same. “The highest place for the lowest rot “Will make our Hermes unjorgot.” Poet Powell in his rotten eclogue Wishes he were a cocking-leg dog Perpetually dripping on tree after tree. So do we, Craig, so do we! Clem Gorm an’s bewildered, he doesn’t know, But wants to affirm the status quo. Must have battleships, must have beans, Must have am ateur poets it seems. And Geoffrey Lehm ann’s epic song Like parallel lines goes on and on, Convinced that talent and productivity Must meet up beyond infinity; And in his cosmopolitan verse (If you’re Oriental read reverse) Free from meaning, innocent of rhyme, A total stranger to metre or time, He shows that verse must be unspecific To be an effective soporific. Is it terrible poetry or terrible prose? No-one — not even Geoffrey — knows. Said the God, Of only one thing I ’m sure ‘Twas OZ that killed poor literature. OZ, the newest magazine, Almost satirical, almost obscene, Our own Australian Private Eye, Unconsciously sending itself sky-high. OZ, Civil Liberty’s errant knight Fast with the gage, slow to fight; Roaring the Censor Dragon’s death Sighs “Guilty, sir” the very next breath. Throws it a maiden to quiet its roar And sets out to fight its shadow once more. OZ the Wizard, best defined As magically foolish, dull, purblind. OZ and buyer, madman and fit, Clutching his Guide to Secondhand Wit. “C om e,” said the God. “Parnassus falls. “ Let’s go and write CRA P on lavatory walls.’


THE JUMPED-UP UNI REVUE C ensorship; In g m a r Bergman,- Racial p re ju d ice ; th e V o y a g e r; A lfre d Deller; R estoration O b sce n ity; the Stom p; U n i­ v e rs ity a d m in is tra tio n ; A n th ro p o lo g y ; S ydney A rch ite ctu re ; L ind ley Evans an d Frank Hutchens; Robert H e lp m a n n ; Shakespeare; C yprus; the A.B.C.; h o m o ­

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THE JUMPED-UP UNI REVUE Richard W a ls h , Richard N e v ille , M a r­ tin S harp, Chester, C live Jam es, A n d re w Fisher, Paul Thom a n d V a sh ti Farrer ha ve w ritte n scripts fo r

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THE JUMPED-UP UN! REVUE D evised b y V a sh ti Farrer a n d M ichael D ay,

THE JUMPED-UP UNI REVUE

CM

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It’s a lie. It doesn’t pay to adver­ tise.” O f course it doesn’t — until you advertise in OZ!

But why should I advertise in OZ when I can get gigantic circulation in the daily papers? Because people w ho read O Z are n ot d rears w h o ’ve thrived on the same b ran d o f cig arette-p ap e r, g ram o ­ phones and candlesticks fo r a century. O Z readers are Swingers— they are all p o ten tial consum ers o f your product. (A nyway, your a d in a tab lo id is suffocated by the “ F lem in g s-are-F ab u lo u s” spreads.) I m ean O Z readers are just so curious and snoopy. Even now , som e o f th em (who a in ’t going to ad v e r­ tise anything) are scanning this ju st o u t o f sheer nosy ness. If you want to b oost your business, tak e an ad now ; if y o u 're an ad -m a n , p ersu ad e y o u r client im ­ m ediately. Sure, only 11,000 cats buy us b u t (and here’s the difference)— 11,000 hungry custom ers read every w ord. Let them read a b o u t your p ro d u ct, too! Phone our advertising m anager an d ask him to give you six good reasons why it w ill pay you to advertise in O Z —you m ight even be in tim e fo r o u r next issue. BW 4197.

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The Times Press, 3-13 Queen Street, Sydney.


OZ magazine, Sydney, no.9