PHASMA by lgbtqymru

FOR THE QOMMUNITY BY THE QOMMUNITY

Welcome to the very first Glitter Cymru X LGBTQYMRU poetic anthology. We are very excited to be showcasing so many powerful bisexual poets. The bisexual voices that have landed on your pages come from all over Wales, Nigeria, India, and the United States. These are the roaring voices of a community who actively questions, de-constructs and exposes the bisexual experience in all of its phasma. The idea behind this creative endeavour developed organically over the years by the Glitter Cymru and Glitter Sister’s members. This collaboration with LGBTQYMRU is primarily our way of taking over the center stage and honouring the brave and passionate bisexual lives of our members. In order to make this special issue even more impactful, we decided to include the voices of our white/non-PoC bisexual allies, as we firmly believe in uniting the community under our very own a glittery rainbow. This anthology is of paramount significance as it is published in a year where our LGBTQ family saw an alarming increase in violent homophobic attacks, police brutality, terfs trying to stomp over trans rights and the Home Office denying the sexual identities of our refugee and asylum seeker siblings. Therefore, now more than ever, we need to embrace the power of art in order to make sense of harsh realities, accelerate our community healing, and find strength by celebrating our vulnerabilities. Wales is the land of poets and the adoptive home of many bisexuals, PoC, immigrants (like me), and bisexual refugees and asylum seekers who have contributed to this anthology. Wales is a Nation of Sanctuary and the epicentre of what sexual freedom means to many of us, who come from countries where being bisexual is dangerous, life threatening or even illegal. This anthology is a small window to how the bisexual experience is constructed in Wales, what similarities or differences we can draw with our bisexual family from around the globe and how race could impact such experiences. I want to thank Bleddyn for embracing the idea for this special issue and for helping me turn it into a reality (especially in such a short notice), the LGBTQYMRU team for all their support, our Glitter allies who are always ready to showcase their active allyship, the Glitter Cymru/Glitter Sisters committees for allowing me creative control, and finally, I want to thank our fabulous Glitterattis who poured their hearts and minds over their keyboards and onto these pages. We hope you enjoy the fruits of our creative labour. Happy Bisexual Visibility day everyone! Rania Vamvaka (she/her) Co-chair, Glitter Cymru Founder & Chair, Glitter Sisters International 3

Editor Rania Vamvaka (She/Her) Poets Samuel Elijah Allen Thania Acarón Tobi Owolabi Bella Biggs Rania Vamvaka Lily Frost Cat Rose Amber Wheatley Ananya Dcruz Beth Rabjohns Ashton Datta Jamie Everett Penny HC Dinh Cover Jaz Wood Branding & Design LGBTQYMRU Publisher LGBTQYMRU The mention or appearance or likeness of any person in the content of LGBTQYMRU, or on any of our social platforms, is not to be taken as any indication of sexual, social, or political orientation of such persons or organisations.

CONTENTS 6

Publisher’s note

Kissing the Sun

Mixology’s Jazzology

The Best of Both Worlds

Gold Rush

Erased

Bi-everything

Love Songs are Stupid

Hover

Colours

My Life, My Light, My Future

She

I Like Girls

A Lanzarote Moment

Pre-release

Perfect

Publisher’s Note

It is with great pleasure and enthusiasm that I welcome you to the first Edition of LGBTQYMRU’s The Queer Collection, a Qommunity-based initiative to collaborate and publish the creative content of individuals from within the Queer Qommunities in Wales and the wider world. This, our first collaboration with Glitter Cymru, is one I am particularly excited about: through poetry, there is an exploration and celebration of the shared - but not always similar - experiences of being bi across the world. In what has been some dark times for the LGBTQ+ communities, let this Edition of The Queer Collection, its tenderness and honesty, be an abundance of brilliant light. Let it be your phasma. Bleddyn Editor-in-Chief, Chair LGBTQYMRu

PHASMA

Kissing the sun An elegy For myself My past self Soul separate Entered my new Body Now I Blessed Risen Stand before myself Image reflecting soul I am an icon to myself I worship my new name I weep for my lost self I weep for my current self So much time Wandering Starving in the dessert And for what? Twisted faith That I followed But demons followed me And now I’ve killed that figure Long hair rippling I kissed the cheek And sacrificed my life To live truthfully To be who I was Born to be Set my soul free Samuel Elijah

Mixology's Jazzology: A Recipe for Being Queer [Cue loungy jazz music] It starts, of course with some gin add two ice cube stares just to cool it off a sprinkle of uneasiness a pinch of flair and diced despair and a kilo of fabulousness concentrate stir in a cup or two of underground seedy bars you know, the ones with gargoyles in the walls a tablespoon of hesitation add finely chopped labelling pour some kisses, rainbows peeled into pieces and a red queer Latinx cherry on top! And then you… Shake it for a bit Shake it for bit Shake it, shake it Shake it for a bit You set that drink aside And start over Which liquour did you say? [evil laugh] it HAS to be gin again grate some nutmeg into some bitters just for those online dating days slide in a slice of orange recognition and squeeze, and another squeeze... OF LEMON! you have dirty, dirty little minds

[Interlude with 90s R&B-style track] Sprinkle a bit more Of the questions galore Are this one or this? Have you done this before? Put some elbow grease in the mix And don’t diss that future Mr, Mx and/or Mrs Shake it for bit Shake it, shake it Shake it for a bit And just when you have the right combination of sweet and salty in-betweenness shake that queer- I mean- cocktail for a bit top it off with a pink toothpick umbrella and SHAKE. THIS. SH*T. UP Thania

The best of both worlds What do I crave? Bàbátúndé or Yéwándé? It all depends on the wave, Today I feel tamed. When he touches me, I submit to his will. A sensation so real. He is deep, what a thrill. Her voice makes me gasp for air. Laying next to her, our bodies bare. So much passion in her stare. She wants me, I know she cares. What do I crave? Today I am feeling brave. I want a cocktail, The three of us on a sail. It’s the best of both worlds. No gender, no walls. We are souls that fall, For a love that encircles all. Tobi

Gold Rush I’ve got a talent for making bad choices, I’ve got a talent for listening to the wrong voices. I’ve got a heart of steel but I want a heart of gold. I’ve gotta work on it, but my soul is long gone sold. There’s a gold rush. There’s a gold rush. There’s a gold rush, When we touch. There’s a gold rush. There’s a gold rush. When we touch, There’s a gold rush. I’ve been digging through all the dirt, I keep on trying, but I’m only getting hurt. I’ve got a heart of stone but I want to make it real. I’ll squeeze the blood from it, if that’ll make me feel. There’s a gold rush. There’s a gold rush. There’s a gold rush, When we touch. There’s a gold rush. There’s a gold rush. When we touch, There’s a gold rush. Bella

Erased Swaying between the pink, blue and purple hues This is where I stand, this is where I float My hues are not rainbow glossy An illegitimate afterthought, a fake bandit, Erased. Forced to pick a side to feel safe Threatened to correct my straight pace Reveal my gayness or be ostracised They are loud, I can hear them, Erased. I will not play the game My hues are my emblem I carry it with pain, I carry it with Pride I re-birth their rainbow, I make it mine, I am visible. Rania

Bi-everything Flip a coin. Time to divide. Have to pick a winning side. Hop the fence. Get on the ride. Come over to the other side. Cup half full, half empty, half love, half hate. Half of anything and everything, not enough gay not enough straight. Well fuck the coin and fuck the fence. Fuck picking sides, I take offence. Not two halves, or two parts, It’s one whole of my one heart. Lily

Hover Bring your fingers to my face, gently caress my flushed skin. A slow and purposeful pace, graze my blouse, but just the trim. Swipe across my collarbone, make my skin raise with your touch. In the dark, we’re all alone, place my waist within your clutch. Trace lines up and down my neck, with both hands and all fingers. Consumed by what’s coming next, anticipation lingers. Run your fingers through my hair, grab my face and pull me in. Our heavy breath fills the air, tease me, tempt me with this sin. Baking in your body heat, my lungs let out little sighs. Toes are curling on my feet, shared passions are running high. Hover your lips next to mine, kiss my dimples on each cheek. Slow this moment down in time, make it turn into a week. Press me slightly, just a taunt, move in with a pelvic tilt. Make me sweat and weak with want, Push until I start to wilt. Please, oh please, just kiss me now. Kiss me now and never stop. CRMC 15

Love Songs are Stupid I always thought that romance was a waste, that people settled in a stupid haste. But Hon, I’ve changed, this time has shown, that love is real, my heart has grown. Love songs are stupid, but I feel it with you. Sitting here hoping you’re feeling it too. Can you see the currents? Electromagnetic waves. Fate has come to put our pasts in the grave. We can’t escape this, don’t try to fight it. See that tidal wave? Honey, let’s ride it. I know love is scary, but Darling, don’t lie. Come inside me, Baby, don’t hide. Ooo, you’re slippingam I too expensive? Is your hesitation just too extensive? Talk to me, please. Love, come back. Can’t you see my heart is starting to crack?

Don’t leave me. This is the first time I’ve been loved right; A perfect Venus trine. You kissed me, and it felt so right. I want to love you all through the night. Let’s do this again, just grab my hand. Follow me, Sweetheart, let’s play pretend. Just like ABBA said, Take a Chance on Me. I might not work out, but Baby, let’s see. I’m closer to what you need in the end, than anyone you know or any prior friend. I know you know how amazing this feels. Come to me, Honey, let’s make this real. CRMC

Colours You stay on your side with red And leave me here with my blue Let the colours swirl between us Conversations in purple, pinks, mauve, and cherry Let colours fill the space that ‘I’m sorry’ can’t reach So much of my life has been red Maybe there is room for blue too So much of my life has been pain It is time to make space for healing too My pain is Yellow And hot A deep, golden yellow But not of real gold It’s deep yellow like concentrated urine Another sign that I’m giving far more than I’m being nurtured with Yet again So much of my life has been red Pink Bleeding Angry Orange when the rage is settled I’m learning now There is room for blue too Mountains of it My pain is Blue A deep blue cold, with flashes of white and ombre swirls It is cold and hard Smooth under my fingers Like a porcelain bowl, fixed Its contents are fruit, abandoned Cold, dark This is my body Given for you 18

Amber

My Life, My Light, My Future. I hide from the world, afraid what it might think; Stripped of my shine, so close to the brink, I swayed, I swayed, I sway. The whispers I hear, messed with my head; The feelings I bear, stemmed from the else. Stumbling on the edge, I want to give in. She pulls me back, the verge away; She holds me close, is she a faye? I close my eyes, I can’t give in. I hear the whispers, fainter still my eyes stay shut; Through the darkness she leads me, is this the final cut? Steadier still, my path grows strong; My strength I draw from her. I didn’t give in, started to rise the veil I used to hide. Sparks ignite, my light long lost; I start to shine again. There’s no fear with her, she loves me I know; Save me she did, from the night. I open my eyes, the radiance creeps in; I look at her for the first time. Beauty did blind me; Words didn’t find me; I cried as I realised who she was. Ananya

She She is rooted in expectation A projected vision of what I should be Your perception feels like deception of how I truly see Myself, a mirror, a moment unstuck Until the weight of your gaze Slides down on me Bearing true to no one else I make space for your face Reflected back at me She is not me But you call her as seen Beth

I like girls Not the ones who wear pearls But the ones who look at me And all they see Are the insecurities Not the impurities And tell me they love my scars, Confiscate my cigars. Loving a girl is right According to society’s lies tonight But is that really true? Says who? I like boys too Don’t worry, I’m not into you I love boys who will be proud In front of a crowd, Not be ashamed of me, And I will treat with respect, I guarantee “But dating boys is wrong, In hell gays belong. And being bi, You might as well die, Too greedy, too needy Just an attention seeker!” Each word like that makes me weaker. If we were supported Teens lives less distorted, From alcohol and drugs, To family time and hugs. Life without lies, Life with less cries And a life with parents as allies. Support your kids and be happy So for once they don’t feel crappy And they understand they are cared about And to the kids please reach out Ashton 21

A Lanzarote Moment

On the beach, The olive skinned boy meets my Inquisitive eyes With his own. His eyes look like someone from the telly, His lips, too, take a familiar shape. I walk on and clench my toes in the sand, Feeling it rub and scratch and fall away back into where it came from With each step. I steal a quick glance back, He’s still sat there on his towel, Looking up And looking at me. His young smile Is a welcome sight I smile back with no teeth, I turn around once more And walk on: I’ll never see him again. Not in the flesh, at least. Jamie

Pre-Release

The more I think of it, The more I want to shout it aloud. The more I keep it in, The more I want to let it out. The deeper I push it down, The larger my urge is to splurt this ‘secret’ out. The longer it goes under wraps, The more eager I am to uncover it. The less my friends know, The more I wish they knew. Soon, I can feel it coming, Soon it will be the time for me to tell — Who knows how the world will react, But I know this is how I feel I know this is who I am, So I don’t imagine that there can be anyone (In their right mind) Who thinks they can condemn me and tell me anything different. It’s coming out, And in the public it will stay. Jamie

Perfect You want me to be poised, polished, and perfect. You want straight A*’s. You want me to go to Oxford to read Law And Medicine. You want me to have a perfect job Where I put on a perfect suit And a perfect smile As my boss asks me to make him coffee. You envision me in a perfect family Married to a perfect man Devoting my life to perfect kids. I’m not poised, polished, or perfect Not with only 2 A*’s. I never got into Oxford Double majoring in Medicine and Law. I waste my youth and talents On a dead-end minimum waged job That just about puts up with my perfectly campy clothes And perfectly cocky attitude As my boss asks me to smile. I probably won’t marry, Probably not to a man, Let alone a perfect one, A perfect parent to our perfect children. I’m not poised, polished, or perfect. I can’t hide who I am, Not with my brightly dyed hair, My nose pierced, And my jeans cuffed. I can’t hide who I am To the girls and boys that I have kissed, The girls and boys to whom I am poised, polished, and perfect. Penny