Overheard in Notts
Artificially Unintelligent Volume 6
Welcome to the sixth annual volume of Overheard in Notts. Within these pages you will encounter the silliest and funniest things that were recorded on our clandestine city-wide surveillance network and published in the pages of LeftLion magazine between Issue 160 (June 2023) and Issue 174 (August 2024).
For your free digital download of Issues 1-5 visit p38.
Sometimes it’s easier to be a fascist than argue.
“Tell you what we should do: We should get cleaned up and go somewhere nice, like Costco.”
He runs like a chicken… mind you, he looks like a chicken.
“Youshouldn'tspeakillof thedead…buthewas anarsehole.”
furloughedYourdadgotbyAvon.
“Ijustlovelaughingat peoplegettinghurt-it's funny.” situation,Inanapocalypticyouain’tgonnasurviveonquinoa.
Woman 1:
Ishedeadculturedthen?
Woman 2:Notreally.Hebeans,justdoesn’tlikebakedordrinkingsquash.
I’d like to be a teacher,ifbeinga teacher was different to how it is.
Person1:”Sothey’re lesbiansandvegetarians?”Person2:“No,thoseare twoseparateweddings.” I feel that Jesus was down with hip hop.
tastes“Ew,myface salty.”
“Ihatebottomless anything.It'sdisgusting.”
I’m basically your Greggs sugar daddy.
“Big rabbit or small dog? You can see my confusion, but luckily the owner never found out.”
really,Teeth…they’reweird aren’tthey?
Every time I meet her she just smells of candles.
It’s still fashion even if it’s from Asda.
“Ooh look, you can get Crocs to go on your Crocs!”
Riddlemethat,Jesus.
“Justacceptthefactthat you'regoingtowakeupin Heanor, covered in vomit again.”
“Your face smells mouldy.”
wantThisiswhyIdidn’t
tothreatenyou, mum.
Mysonandhiswife areofftoAmsterdam. Veryposh!
“IusedtothinkTyrone
wassoleng,thenhe triedtoplayRockPaper Scissors with me over the phone.Iendeditthere.”
“I’ve seen that kid before he’s like a… man. Like a man baby, adult face.”
WellIstandcorrectedin myorthopaedicshoes.
ImeanIlikeB&Mbut it’smainlyjustaloadof rammel,innit?
“Youhaven’tseen Toast?NowIdon't butnormallygetviolent youneedaslapinthejaw.”
you“OimateshutuporI’llwipe onthekerb!” -Schoolboyspeakingto anotherschoolboyatatraffic crossing.
Meesa Jar Jar Binks... Is that like a footballer or something?
“Matehaveyoubeen matters,christened?Notthatitthere’sdefothings beyou’vedonethatcannever forgiven.”
Have you got sea legs? I’ve got sea legs. Reminds me of a P&O cruise. - At Splendour in the rain
Woman:Whatyoudoingworkinghere?
Man:Igotsackedfrommy atlastjobforsmokingajoint work!
Avanjustpassed bythatsaid‘Student Storage.’Iwondered howmanyofthem theycouldfitin?
Person 1:“I could be a paramedic, but I hate feet.”
Person 2: “You don’t always see feet as a paramedic”
Person 3: “Hmm... but you might.”
We’re about to go on a nice date, do you have to keep going on about fascists?
I
swear I caught dyslexia off ex-girlfriend.my
I’mfull.Well,onceI’vefinishedthis.
Person1:“Stopspitting onme.”
Person2:“Ican'thelpit, I'vegotaleakymouth.”
“Ican'tbuywine, winemakesmecry”
Youdon’tevenknowifit’syour kidandyou’re buyingdesigner clothesforit?
I’d childrenforgotten had ears.
Isaiah! Stop eating rocks!
"I am all of God. All of God."
- Woman on train to herself
“AvoidCharlie,he's spreadingtheclap roundNottingham somethingridiculous. Hereckonshe'sgoing togetcancelled.”
What crisps you got for babies?
Mum to young child: No you’re redecoratingnotyour room.
Child: You can’t stop me, I've already got a floor plan.
“He said he was Igonnatwo-footme. dayonlyaskedfora off.”
Didyouusedto foldovertheskin aboveyourknee andpretenditwas aperson?
Ithinkmyarms thisaretoolong,Imean is a lot of reach to have.
Who had the malignanthumour removed from the thisteamthatput out?
Person 1:Wealwaysused intosaywe’vegotawoman everyteam.
Person 2:Wherewereyou overworking?We’vegot‘emall theplace!
sweating.Myeyeballsare
“Don’t you dare slag my daughter off. I’m not going. I’m never going to your playgroup ever again.”
voicedIcanfinddeeper squirrelsmorethathavehad interestingprofoundand incidents inNotts.
I thought they’d died or gone missing, but they just lost weight.
Person 1: We did a big house, Forest Fields. Down that way on, what’s it called? Lethal street yeah.
Person 2: We used to call Alfreton Road "I'll threaten you road." If you say it quick it sounds similar.
Person 1: “Ijustwant a banging night out mate.”
Person 2: “Let'sgo Wetherspoons, it's always banging in there.”
Iwassobattered
duckIthoughtIsawa fly.
Howcanyoubea
filmcritic?Youcannever rememberanyone’sname. Youcan’treviewsomething saying‘thingymagig,that wasinwotsit.
Kid1: cheeseburgerYouaresuchaKid2: peroniWellyou'reapeppizza!
“Yourunlikeyou'remade entirelyofelbows.”
Idon’tneed Bluetooth,I’vegot dentures.
Ithoughtrivers couldn’trunnorth becausenorth isuphill.
She won’t last. Her eyes are too close together.
Person1:“Youknowwhen yougetolder.Whenyou’re 25orolder?You’renot allowedtogooutanymore”
Person2:“What?”
Person1:“Yeah.You’re notallowedonnightsout. You’realreadygettingona bit,you’reeighteennow.”
“It seems unfair that somethingthatbadforme shouldbesoexpensive.”
There was thisthemassivepooon floor! And asomeonehadput pencilinit!
An Austrian breakfast?What’s inthat?
Person1:I’mtotallyateasewithmyself.
Person2:Why? A“Hegotmeasingleflower. man'sbouquet!”
Person 1: Peopleare havingaChrist-sis... Imeancrisis. Groupofgirlslaughing: It'saChrist-sis!
beenI’verecently
rockpsychedeliclisteningtoAfrican seventiesfromthe .
noodle“Isthatmadthough?Pot boyfriendisliterallymy inreallife.”
That’sthe problemwith speaking,there’s nogrammar. thinking,Upherefor down thetherefordancing, middleisjustabonus!
There’s nothing I love more than a horse in a gilet.
I“I'mnotactuallysureif findinghaveADHDorifI'mjust anexcuse stuffforalwaysgetting wrong.”
“Is peanut butter like Nutella for old people?” Rotterdamis likeAmsterdam, butdifferent.
Youcanspeak withoutspeaking youknow.
“My daughter's at Glastonbury, she wants to see Duo Lingo.”
workSoshewentto
naked…
SomeoneonaZoomcall:“I canseeyouandIcanhearyou”Sameperson: “Saythatagain?” of“Honestly,I’msick capitalism.”
IhopeImakeit tofifty,that’sreally old.
Children to teacher:Sir, whydon’tyoulivenearer toschool?
Teacher: DoyouthinkIwant toseeyoulotonSaturdays andSundays?
Iwishwe’d domesticatedbears. someNahman,you’re salad.
“Get some 'ash browns... Yeah, 'ash browns... With an' h'...”
Person1:“Leaveit mate,it'snotworthit."
Person2:"Yesitis. He'sgotmyshoes."
window,Canyouopena Icansmellmykneepads.
Thisearismuchmore detailedthanthisear.
againstWhatyougot arachnids?
“Oh, that's the venue isn'tthattheboyswentto, it?MusicCity”
I’mnocapybara,Ikilledsomebody!
Person1:“Doyoulikewhitechocolate?”
Person2:“WellI'lleatitbutIwon'tenjoyit.”
I don’t know bro, there’sjustbarewhite getcorridors.QMC’sgonna battered.
*unintelligibleangryshouting* “BloodyKlingons!” *moreunintelligibleangry shouting*(PresumablyinKlingon)
Person 1: “Ihadchipsfromthere.Theywerecold,Iwasfumin”
Person 2:“Why?”
Person 1:“Theymademewaitfortenminutesforhotandfreshchips.”
Ihatepigeons.
NorthKorea?Isn’tthatamadguyplace?
farting“Youneverlisten.It'slike atatornado.”
PeppaPighasapet guineapig.Herfriend whoisacathasapet chick.Andtheirdoctoris ahamster.Howdoesthat work?
“Eitheryougivethe
now,lightsabertomeoryoucangive it back to Santa.”
I think you might be what they call
Artificially Unintelligent.
"NevermetanyoneI
wantedtomarry.Ijust meetpeopleIwantto murder.”
Youcan’tliveyourlife
infearofteenagerswith sillystring.
makesBeingnakedjust thingseasier.
Person 1: The doctor said to outputoliveoilinthatear.Turns it was chilli oil.
Person 2: Bet that hurt.
Person 1: What?
Yeah, she left her own dad on the roof for about 5 hours. called“ForagesIthoughtitwas no-one‘PizzaMe,Sue’and correctedme.”
Didyouknowthere are37trams?Idon’tknow howIknowthat.
anyone’sI’mnotsittingonface.I’dratherhaveabagofchips.
Person1:“Oh,Ididn't know!Whendidhedie?”Person2:“Justbeforethefuneral.”
“Can tell you’re my kid when ya choosing Wetherspoons over McDonalds.”
- Proud Mum to small child “We’retwinsbecausewe havethesameuniform.”
-Schoolkidtoherfriend
Chickens love likespaghetti.Itlooks worms.
“DoesMummylikethings upherbottom?” -3-year-oldaftergetting anaccidentalwedgie
You know what? I thinkreallyrattlesnakesaregivena hardtime.
You’re pragmatic, but you’re socially inept. It’s good.
fineSchoolshootingsare but…
“You know that bald man with the wonky bush…”
Kid1:Fam,thiscerealisdryas!
Kid2:Innit,Tescogotthedryestcereal,properdrytings.
Woman 1:Stopputtingyourtoeinmybum.
Woman 2: I'm not, bumyou'reputtingyour onmytoe!
How can I love my neighbour when he wears socks and Greggs sliders?
You don’t find a wife inRockCity.Gototemple to find wife.
doomsdayOhcrapareyouthose people?
it“Ididn’tknowwhether sowaspastorpassed Ijustsaidbeyond.”
You know people have cows for farming and some people have cows for fun?
I’d like cows for decoration.
Man 1: My sister's married to a professional stamp collector.
Man 2: Professional?
Man 1: We always assumed it was a front for drugs.
...andhemarriedagimp.
Man1(leaningovertopata dog):Helloboy,what’shis name?
Man2:Nazi.(Man1patsdogandleaves)
Openingdoorsistoomuchfor resurrectedJesus .
I didn’t break your nose, there was just a slight crunch.
“I went to West Bridgford Library yesterday morning. Not for books.”
pig’s“I'mnotticklingnobelliesPamela!”
City-ManatStonebridge Farm
Man:Naughty,likenaughty?Orlikenaughtynaughty?
Woman:Naughtynaughty.
Man:Ohhhthat'snaughty.
I’m doing well tonight because normally I have to be taken home or I’m sick out the little bus windows. Come on Calverton!
“It’spracticallysaladbecause it’smadefromplants.” -Personholdingavegancake
"Smellslikeburgers. Ordoughnuts." - Man in Arnold town centre.
him“Eversinceshegotwith she's become like one of those Stratford Wives."
That’s Wollaton Hall, where they filmed the Spider-Man movies.
Person 1: Isthisavestoragilet?
Person 2: It doesn't know what it wantstobe.That'swhyit'sonsale.
“Don’t catch the ball with yourface!” -Mumtokidsplaying
It’s basically hips downwards and incredibly
furry.
“No thanks. I saw some cleavage reflected in a shop window yesterday. Turned out it was mine.” - Man being offered a cheesy nacho.
“Ivaguelyremembertheface butI'mgettingflashbacksfrom thetraumatenyearsago.”
revealShe’sdoingagender party.Shouldbeafatherrevealparty.
The Gladstone is the clitoris of the Carringtontriangle.
“They're made locally. In Scotland.”
Ooh, I wonder what the lime and mint cooler tastes like?
“Yobabejustcallingcauseyou sentmelike10textmessages. Yeahsorrybutyousentlike100 textmessages.It'snotlikethat. You sent me 1000 text messagessoIthoughtIshould callyouafterthoselike1 milliontextmessages.Yeah, okay,butwhyyousentmelike abilliontextmessages?”
Person 1:You'venotgota sportyboneinyourbody.
Person 2: I'vegotthesame bonesasyou.
“There's loads of people just aimlessly walking around down here."
- Teenage boy on phone in Lady Bay during Open Gardens weekend
Kid1:Ithappenedmanymoonsago.
Kid2:Whatdoesthatmean?
Kid1: years,Well,eventually,afterhundredsof themoondiesandwegetanewone,soitmeansalongtimeago.
Kid2:Haveyoueverseentwomoons?
Kid1:Yes,butIdon'trememberitverywell. "Idon'tlikeAbba.We'vehadthisargument before."
I don’t like Abba. We’ve had this argument before.
I’ve killed a cactus. They can survive the desert but they can’t survive me.
Boy: Has anyone got any cough medicine?
Girl: It hurts when I swallow. It's gone down my jugular.
Boy: That's a big word for you.
Girl: (Out of earshot) It's only seven letters. That's not a big word. And it's the wrong word. I meant oesophagus. Now that is a big word.
Ithoughttheones inyourlegswerecalled legaments?
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