Overheard in Notts Book 2 2020

"I'll see their tape recorder and grab it. No, you can't have it back silly rabbit."

Public Enemy

Overheard in Notts Volume 2

Now

what you read is not a test, we’re listening on the street. You, the groove, and your friends better think before you speak.

This book contains the best of LeftLion Magazine’s Overheard in Notts, originally printed between Issue 108 (December 2018) and Issue 118 (October 2019).

There’s

a few things I wanna see in a rave and one of them is a puppet show. Because I’ve got bare puppets.

"Don't touch my toast, that finger's been up my arse."

and“Youbethegrass lawnmower.”I’llbethe

Girl: I'm gonna put it in my throwing-away box. Man: Do you mean the bin?

“I'm 55 tomorrow. That's the oldest I've ever been.”

Hooch is the best. It beats Fentimans hands down in theposhlemonade stakes.

“IfIcouldfollow onereligion,I thinkitwouldbe hiphop.”

OhmyGod. I’m26andI’vegot threedifferent babyfathers.

“Communism and capitalism. They’re different things aren’t they?”

yuh"Yougotpicturesof batty?"

“AskingHillarysBlindsto comeroundislikeasking Waitrosetocomeover andshowyouhowto cookanomelette.”

"I feel ten pregnant."monthsStudent after a big meal

“It was like when you can see what’s going to happen before it happens. I knew exactly what would happen. But then it didn’t happen.”

I would love to beahipster.

GrinchWhy’sthat sucha mardypr*ck for?

incense“IfIsmellrubbishandtogetherittakesmestraightbackthere.”

Did you know Chris Kamara was born on Christmas Day?

"I can't believe it! They ent got my c**ting CRACKERS!" Man in ASDA

Fat Man’s got yer a present.

“Pots of pigs in blankets in Greggs? The guy behind that needs a payrise.”

OfcourseI likevibrators. Butnotonmy head.

"Public

anal sex? aboutWhat'sChristmassy that?"

“I f**kin’ bought this pizza yeah, and it was f**kn’ dead fit.”

Do you want to go halves on a tenner’s worth of gak?

“Myfellaisn'tbotheredbya five-hourdrive;thatsaid,he hasbeenalorrydriverfor thirtyyears.”

Your boyfriend’s mam bought you something to cover your nipples with?

Lorraine, theglitter onthisdress isgoingeverywhere, it’sallinme knickers.

hungover.I’msosadand IwantwatchtobeinbedandHomeAloneandcry.

“He went back and saw the dinosaurs, Vikings and Romans in a washing machine. Err... I mean a time machine.”

Lad 1: taseredSawablokeget in Buxton lastThursdayafternoon.Lad 2: I’d love to see someonegettasered.

Woman: Have you ever been in The V Spot? Man: I don't know. You tell me.

The tomahawk steak’s the one that looks like an axe, innit? I just want one for the novelty.

but"Can'trememberexactly, it’ssomethinganus"something-something-

"MedoctorsaysI'vegothigh cholesterol,soI'vegottastart eatingallthishealthysh*t."

Man in Wilko:Yeahyeah.Just get as many as you want. spray[Wifepicksuptwocansofbody andreachesforathird] Man: Woah woah woaaah. That’s ComemorethanenoughDoreen. on,let’sgo.

They say British people are always moaning. I’m not bloody surprised!

Old man in a queue

I would try walking up hills backwards, but I’m afraid of falling over.

“Why are you saying ‘sneakers’? You are literally from Mansfield.”

...and

Woman: What's in your faggots?

Butcher: Lung, kidney, bit of onion.

Woman: I thought they were supposed to have brains in 'em?

Butcher: No duck, that's who meks 'em.

his gusset was right down here. I thought ‘Ooh God!

“I think I've got that attention definite disorder.”

"I'm nearly done. I need to get something for Craig, then I need a poo, then we can go home."

roulade.Don’tsitonmy

I can’t believe you can be found guilty for stroking a back.

Kid: Can you tell me what the soup is? If I don’t like it, I’ll just have a garlic chewbacca. Mum: Do you mean ciabatta?

"Youknowwhenonespliff fourturnsintoabagofcokeand tinnies?"

Do they do toilets in here?

Man in Wetherspoons

Person 1: WhereisGuernsey?

Person 2: It's in the Channel Islands

Person 3: Noit'snot,it’sanisland initsownright.

Person 1: Sorry,IwasthinkingofGrimsby.

My

driving ban’s up now. I need to drive, but I keep drinking too much.

Of course I’ve tried it, I’m a gay man!

Woman:Ifancysome-thingspicyfordinner.Man: Well,whydon'tI make us some of those fanjitas?

“I don't like the rain. But if it pisses it down when you're out, then it's fair cop. Fair dos.”

“No,

I don't want to babysit. If I wanted to babysit I'd go home and see my own kids.”

thing.I’mdonewiththejail plasteringI’mstickingtomy now.

Icanonlygetinto twonightclubsinNotts, and that’s when I’m wiv me mam!

Man 1:She’shavingagoatmeforbeingtooreal.

Man 2: Mate,youweren’tbeingreal,you’rejustadickhead.

Woman 1: The worst thing about getting old is getting a moustache.

Woman 2: What?

Woman 1: Wait, you don’t have one?

I’m growing a f**king beard!

"Ischangingfromsweet thepopcorntosaltedpopcorn adult?markofbeingaproper Because I'm not sureI'vegotmysh*ttogether enoughforthat.”

The fact he’s not been in the office makes him a lot easier to ignore.

the“Iwasthinkingofgoinginto policeforceandbeing a detective innit. But then I MightrealisedIlikedrugstoomuch. havetobeacounsellor or summat.”

Man 1: So where's Swansea then?

Man 2: I think it's down near London. Man 1: Near Watford?

Man 2: Yeah, that’s it.

Being good to people we meet. That’s something you could do for me. Man to dog

And I said, well, if you’dyoudidn’tsmokecrack somethingbeabletoget toeat.

She thinks she’s hard cos she’s got a double-ear piercing, it’s like ‘come on, mate’.

“You just know she's one of these people who's going to end up a f**king millionaire from doing nothing.”

Woman 1: You'd love him, he's like a mixture of Chandler and Ross. Woman 2: He sounds like a c**t.

Come onnnn, it’s 2019, c**t is a term of endearment.

She’s got other stuff going for her... Her personality, I guess.

What happened to the F**KIN’ WHEEL?!

“If you've got a fanny, you've got a fanny. If you've got a dick, you've got a dick. So long as you're not hurting anyone, just be what you wanna be. But, you know, if you're a bird, you're a bird. I dunno, so long as it's not hurting anyone.”

Mate, a male bus driver just called me ‘duck’. Is that normal? when"CanyourememberonTitanicthemthreeblokesareplayingwhiletheshipgoesdown?That's warrit reminds me of." Woman watching violin busker

boss.I’vegotanew 25-year-oldYep,another c**t.

weight.I’mtrynaloseI’llsavea fortuneonsoapin the shower.

“So I called the five-o to tell them what had happened and halftheysaidthey'dbearoundabout won't,one.AndIsaid‘Youf**king I'llbeasleep.’”

Person 1:Escuseme,doyou know wh…

Person 2:I'mfromNewYork, I don’t even know where I am.

Person 1 Japanese:Didyouknowthere'safanclubforthegrandfatherBramleyappletreeinSouthwell? Person 2:IlikeAspley.

Tell

you what... I feel like a bleddy forty pence piece.

Justwaveto themandstop chewingyour dress.

“Allthesebloody remainers who thinkfromthey'retrynasaveus ourselves… It annoysmeintensely.”

to"BackinYearTen,Iused troll ballet forums andtakeseehowlongitwould togetbanned.”

These remainers, they all kick up a fuss about human rights and that...

Man 1: I mean... May, Putin and Trump?!

Man 2: There's a joke there somewhere Woman: That is the joke, mate.

“Oi, Jermaine! Ya ugly, alligator-mouthed ba***rd.”

spermWhat,ismy fordelicacynotaenough you?

Ibought some Creme Eggs,they’rein season at the moment.

train“Igotachoochoo inmybelly.”Youngkid

So does dragon glass kill the Skywalkers then?

Why aren’t we allowed straws any more?

Man 1: Do you want sugar?

Man 2: Two please. I'm not quite sweet enough.

say“MymumsaysIcan't crackheadbecause it's a swear word.”

When I say mop, you say head.

“That was alright, I went to see the Mono Lisa and it was shit, it was only this big...” Woman coming out of Contemporary

Mum: beltingWillyoustop thatball? Lad: mum,Ican'thelpitit'smepower.

Lad 1: It was like that time you found out Haribo was German.

Lad 2: It’s not that I didn’t like that, it just took me by surprise.

"I've done 94 chickens and it's not 3 o'clock. That's not even the record.”

Woman behind deli counter

Girl 1: Who did you go home with last night?

Girl 2: His name was Adam. I think I've slept with him before but it might have been his brother.

Seen somewhereyoubefore. Have you been in prison?

Go away, all you do is poison me and waste my time.

"WhywouldIwantatrainee

doctorfiddlingaroundinside me?Idon'tevenlikegoingto a trainee hairdresser."

Did you guys ever find like Disney characters sexually attractive? Like, Simba when he goes through puberty?

Woman:Doyouwanttogetsomegingertea?Man: enough.Nah,I'mginger

Man: The only pizzas I like are them cheese and marigold ones. Woman: What? Margheritas? Man: Them’s the bleeders.

Can you drink cider on a juice cleanse?

“Eat all them strawberries and you'llbeshitting overninehedges.”

Woman: Ireally thinkyou’relosingit. Man: What? For bollockingpigeons?

Bloke:I'vefiguredoutwhat I'vegottodotoloseweight. Woman:Isitstopeating?You fat c**t?

Argh! I just farted where my head’s going to be.

“I'm not ready to adopt a monster.”

Stop running. You’ll mek yourself ill.

I’m on the end of a doodah. I’m two sheets to the wind darlin’.

Man 1: When was the last timeyouwenttothegym?

Man 1:Tuesday Man 2: … About 2009.

Man 2:Whatdayisittoday?

“I'm15stone,lostfour year.That'sallI'm bothered abaht.”

allergy’“Ithoughtshesez‘Igotapenis andIthought‘Asif’.”

“You don't want to have your elastic snapping in crocodile-infested waters, do you?”

Sugar on strawberries? You bloody wimp.

His dad won a dogatafair.

“If

I had a choice of living in Radcliffe or Gamston, I’d live in Radcliffe or Gamston.”

This one didn’t need two flushes mate, it needed a midwife.

sexualIonlyreallylike sad music.

“Don'tgetmewrong,I couldabsolutelyf**king battergrandma.”

Ooh I like your dress, is it from HMV?

Woman: Andthat’swhyyoudon’t call the police on people! Man: I know, I’m stupid.

I like sorting through old drawers, it’s like going shopping but you don’t have to spend any money.

“First time I went to the canteen at work they said, ‘Bacon cob, duck?’. And I was like ‘You what? Bacon? With corn? And duck?”

I’m just not sure Nottingham is ready for couture.

“Just put your hand over your Stone Island patch as you walk in, that should work."

“Mum packed everything but my pants so I played free willy all the way home.”

I think it’s Joanna Lumley’s cousin on keyboards.

[Kid picks leaf off privet hedge, gives it to dad.]

Kid: This is for you, Dad. Dad: Aw, thanks.

Kid: That’s because you’re the best dad ever.

“A tenner for twelve donuts? I wouldn't mind that, especially if I'm feeling particularly donutty.”

I go shopping twice a week. I likes to splash out, does me.

“Look at the turd cutter on that.”

I got a new bike, but a couple of months ago I stained the seat.

I

have seen THE WHOLE ASS.

Ugh, you can tell you’re a Hufflepuff.

Cyclist: If I were to video you standing in the cycle forward box you would get three points and a fine.

Range Rover driver: If you were to video me I would kill you.

Lad: Dad, can water kill you? Dad: No.

Gary“Nowadaysthere'stoomany BarlowsandnotenoughBrianHarveys.”

I‘m gonna eat my crisps off the floor because I’m in a good place in my life right now.

“I don't think you can make dogs have a wee just by shouting at them."

He looks like the gay Antichrist.

“Hello? Hello? Oh, it’s you, you f**king tithead.” Man on phone

Woman: Well, we’ve always been Beeston people, an’t we? Man: Yes. Seventy years.

“It’s like Chariots of Fire... all over again.” A woman dragging three canoes full of kids back to shore on a boating lake

“I don’t do that funeral business no more. Too many people dyin’.”

lately,IamsotiredIfellasleepcigarette.whilesmokinga

I can’t walk to Shirebrook with a bag of coal on my back.

“I bet he’s the kind ofpersonwhoeats bacon sandwiches at lunch time.”

I could eat a buttereddonkey.

Girl 1: What's the royal family's last name?

Girl 2: I don't think they've got one... actually maybe they've all got different ones.

Girl 1: Like Meghan Markle.

Girl 2: Or Prince Charles.

Girl 1: I think that’s his first name.

This bus is so hot, I can feel my eyebrows sweatin’.

I can’t believe I’m getting to meet an internet-famous dog today!

Man 1: Whyyoualwayssoangry?

Man 2:I'mnotangry... Alright,I'mfairlyangry.

money“Ithinkhe'sstrugglingfor atthemoment. HismambuysBramwell's tomato sauce.”

...so I dotted that t and crossed that i.

“He’s one of those boys that you can’t get feelings for because you know you might get chlamydia.”

Woman 1: What do vegetarians eat for breakfast?

Woman 2: Haven’t you ever heard of Weetabix?

"...but if I do a toe reveal, they can at least confirm that I am a white man."

The acid’s turned him gay.

Is everything virgin?

Kid at a vegan food stall

"You ain't lived until you've had the poops from Shaks."

"I once shaved my minge so I could get my last pound off for the One Stone Award at Slimmin’ World."

My crotch is sooo sweaty right now.

Batty aht. Belly aht. Everyting aht. D’you know what I mean?

What you doing? Just having a plate of wedges and ham?

"Run! Run while you

still

have freedom!" Dad to child

drive,"Ifyoudon'tdrinkand supposedhowthehellareyou togethome?"

"What's wrong with you? You've really got it in for Jurassic Park."

Prime Jaffa Cake weather. That’s

what this is.

Is Europe, like, Spain and shit?

The travel insurance was about £600. I’m thinking of dying out there just to spite them.

"I was gonna be in the papers for being the youngest grandad in Nottingham at 31 but they found a Romanian bloke in Bulwell who beat me."

He’s not that packed. I thought it’d be like a Stella can.

"I just had my wig and my boxers on, and she always goes crazy when I wear my wig."

Man 1: You don't need to go to private school to know what a chickpea is.

Man 2: Well, they teach you nothing at Redhill.

It was sick. Like shooting fish in a barrel. 25% commission on life insurance sales. I was 21.

1:Oi,parkalabiaboy!Doyoulikea that’saninnyoranouty? Woman 2: I can zipmineuplikea sleepingbag!

and"I'velived82longyears bingeIpurritdownto drinking."

"I wore them on Valentine's Day and got wapped out let me tell you." Girl in Primark underwear section

...Fforfire,Qforcute.

Haveyouever triedPoundshopmilk?

It’s like summat aht Chernobyl. Had to unload his bloody van. Full of eggs and Hoovers.

"He dumped her at the cinema because she farted. Only it turns out it was his friend who farted."

Man on phone: Yeah, it's great to speak to you again. [Pause] Thanks for giving me your phone number. [Longer pause] I had a great time. [Really long pause] Do you wanna hear me spit some bars?

Lad 1: Is it your payday? Lad 2: No, not till Friday. Lad 1: Bro, this is why we need to do a revolution.

"What's healthier, a chocolate bar or chocolate chip cookies?" Kid in Aldi Iknewthisgirlat uniwhokeptgetting Ubers to our house cos she fancied one of mymates.Shelooked like Uma Thurman, so we called her Uber Thurman.

The thing is, it’s a waiting game here.

Bloke in the QMC

Woman:So,GooseFair,talkmethroughit.Man:Food,lotsoffood,and that’stheonlyimportantbit.

Man: Thistramisforhotdog? Woman: Hucknall.

"Ienjoyedthatjungleset but all I could think about wasmunchingdownon them rocks."

It must be nice having fur... It’d be like wearing your pyjamas all day.

Woman 1: What day is it?

Woman 2: Today is Tuesday tomorrow.

Would you like the beans in the second hole?

Kid: Grandma's dead good at juggling. Can you juggle grandad?

Grandad: No, but I do admire your grandma for it. In fact, there were many women to choose from back in the day, but I thought I'd go for the juggler.

Woman: What's a passage man?

Man: I dunno, probs like a roadman who's a bit more discreet.

Greenhouses don’t throw stones.

"I’mnotwatchingthatDavid Walliamsontellytonight.He’s aprat.He’saboutasfunnyasa boilonyourarseandletmetell youthatisnotfunny."

Those

yeah,ThisisproperIlkeston butweusedtoputwayourcoatsonthewrong roundwithourhoods on our faces and run at eachothertotryand knock each other out.

Mam:Whydoyouthinkitis?

Kid:Why'sitcalledazebracrossing?

Kid: Is it cos zebras cross on it?

guys that made the pyramids, they weren’t no small pec ting.

"If talk is cheap, then my silence is diamonds." Lupe Fiasco