Editor’s Perspective
2018 PREDICTIONS T
wo Zero One Eight. No, not the follow-up to the highly acclaimed mix tape by Chief Keef entitled Two Zero One Seven. Twenty Eighteen. Two Thousand Eighteen. Depending on your math, that’s 81 generations A.D. And we still haven’t destroyed this place, so we humans have that going for us. Here at VTC headquarters, we realize you don’t move forward by looking backwards. No, wise decisions now can be made only by gazing into the future. In that vein, we once again have gone to great lengths to get this vital information to you, our readers and members FIRST, before it is leaked to every major news outlet, and then twisted and turned. Disclaimer for THE MAN: If you do not wish to be offended, you should probably stop reading now.
#1 In an effort to lure more students into its turf program, the Virginia Tech CSES Department makes the bold move of hiring Thad Turnipseed, director of recruiting and external affairs for Clemson. Turnipseed — great, great grandson of Johnny Appleseed — was lured away from Clemson after directing the development of the new $55M football complex and performing similar duties at Alabama in years past. “People have scoffed at the old ‘Build it, and they will come’ line, but here in Blacksburg, we believe it’s the wave of the future,” says Turnipseed. The old-school days of nonair-conditioned dorms, hot and
sticky greenhouses and walking across the drill field in subzero wind chill are over! Modeled after “The Truman Show,” a new climate-controlled dome dubbed the Hokie Hump is built over the remaining nine holes of the campus golf course. “Our turf students will never leave it,” waxes Turnipseed. “Our artificial sun rises in the morning and, like clockwork, sets every evening. Rain is scheduled over certain sectors of the dome on certain days of the
Mark Vaughn, CGCS Virginia Turfgrass Journal Editor
week. All our instruction is performed by, ahem, ‘faculty’ using the latest A.I.” Responding to the chuckles in the audience, Turnipseed responds, “Yeah, they laughed at Patrick O’Brien when he said ultradwarfs would be in Richmond, too.” In related news, departing CSES Department Head Erik Ervin says, “Oh yeah, sure. Hire the NEW guy, and give HIM all the money. That’s NEVER happened in this business before.”
Sidebar: Using the paragraphs above as an example, let’s investigate how a professional such as yours truly can weave the narrative and take you lemmings down the fake news path to Grandma’s house. In an effort to lure more students into the turf program, the Virginia Tech CSES Dept. makes the bold move of hiring (false) Thad Turnipseed, director of recruiting and external affairs for Clemson (true). Turnipseed — great, great grandson of Johnny Appleseed (false) — was lured away from Clemson (false) after directing the development of the new $55M football complex and performing similar duties at Alabama in years past (true). “People have scoffed at the old ‘Build it, and they will come’ line (true), but here in Blacksburg, we believe it’s the wave of the future (on ANY college campus, definitely true).” The old-school days of non-air-conditioned dorms, hot and sticky greenhouses and walking across the drill field in subzero wind chill (all true) are over! Modeled after “The Truman Show,” a new climate-controlled dome dubbed the Hokie Hump is built over the remaining nine holes of the campus golf course. “Our turf students will never leave it,” waxes Turnipseed. “Our artificial sun rises in the morning, and like clockwork sets every evening. Rain is scheduled over certain sectors of the dome on certain days of the week. All our instruction is performed by, ahem, ‘faculty’ using the latest A.I.” (All false) Responding to the chuckles in the audience, Turnipseed responds, “Yeah, they laughed at Patrick O’Brien when he said ultradwarfs would be in Richmond, too.” (True) In related news, departing CSES Department Head Erik Ervin says (false), “Oh, yeah, sure. Hire the NEW guy, and give HIM all the money. That’s NEVER happened in this business before.” (Sarcasm: Oh, how true.)
10 | VIRGINIA TURFGRASS JOURNAL January/February 2018 www.vaturf.org