Editor’s Perspective
Prognostications
for the YEAR of the
Mark Vaughn, CGCS Virginia Turfgrass Journal Editor
FIRE ROOSTER
W
ell, well, well — it’s 2017. No, I’m not talking about the number of fake degrees they’ve given out at Carolina over the past 25 years or so. That would be a smaller number, though not by much. Of course, I speak of the YEAR of our Lord and, if you’re Chinese, the Year of the Rooster. And not just any rooster, but the FIRE Rooster. Now, I don’t know about you, but after the summer of 2016, I feel like the ol’ Fire Chicken might have gotten his timing off a little and arrived early to the party. Then again, I could argue the Year of the Monkey(s) was oh-so apropos for the election cycle that we just survived. At any rate, is there ANYONE who isn’t glad to see 2016 in the rearview? Oh, sure, I’m guessing some of you may have gotten married, had a child or hit the lottery. But for the rest of us, we’re putting the last 12 months in File 13. And let me tell you — 2017 is going to be spectacular! We’re all going to quit doing those things that are bad for us, stop buying into the negativity, love will trump hate, we’ll be stronger together, and we will make America great again! Before you smug cynics out there discount my psychic powers, let me review with you my #1 prediction (written, I might add, in early
December of 2015) for 2016. And I quote: “Emperor Trump announces an inauguration unlike any other.” Bada bing, bada BOOM! Once again, I know that satire and biting humor are no longer allowed in the U.S., but for the sake of The Man and her daily intake of Tums, I must remind you that this is a poor attempt at such. But take to Facebook or Twitter or whatever is the latest rage (pun intended), and cut me to pieces if you must.
Prognostication #1 Universities face a budget crisis as thousands of college students drop out and return home. Citing “the stresses of just living,” those few willing to face the trauma of being interviewed and voicing their opinions say, “Going to class for four hours, three days a week, is such a grind. Then, we have to go to the dining hall and decide between lobster bisque, oysters Rockefeller, prosciutto sliders or the smoked salmon. When weekends come, the pressure can be crushing. Do we hang out at the all-day tailgate, go to Biff’s parents’ ski chalet or join the drum circle downtown? We just want to go back to those days when Mom did our laundry, Dad cleaned our room, and they both sat mindlessly for hours watching us run up and down a field
10 | VIRGINIA TURFGRASS JOURNAL January/February 2017 www.vaturf.org
on weekends, kicking a ball.” In response to the crisis, Chancellors agree to end the “barbaric” practice of exams and adopt the UNC athletics model.
Prognostication #2 In a stunning (wink, wink) turn of events, His Highness Trump announces he will NOT really do the things he talked about in the campaign. His first 100 days in office will center on… wait for it… golf. Asked to elaborate, the T-Man says, “Over the past 25 years or so, there’s been some bad golf courses built. Really bad. Moronic, stupid holes. Ridiculous greens complexes. Ugly, fat clubhouses. Railroad ties. Who built these things — Norfolk Southern? So first, we’re going to rebuild them all, using federal monies designated for infrastructure improvements. Secondly, we’re going to rewrite the rules of golf. There are some really Bad Hombres in that book. Spike marks — stupid. Ball moving on green — dumb, really dumb. Long putter ban — nasty. Medal play — Socialist. They’re gone. All gone. R&A — done. USGA — history.”
Prognostication #3 Safe spaces are declared at the MidAtlantic Turfgrass Expo for all superintendents still growing Penncross