Editor’s Perspective
Prognostications for
2016
2...0...1...6.
Do you realize if you divide 20 by 16, and multiply by 8, and then subtract 7.25, you’ll come up with 2.75? Checked the math, didn’t ya? Okay, but how many of you could do it in your HEAD like me? Yeah, I still got it. You think this shiny head is just a solar panel for a love machine? Oh, no. Speaking of solar, it’s time to fire up the ol’ solarpowered crystal ball. I got rid of that coal-fired one years ago. Besides, who cares about the people of WV and Eastern KY as long as the good folks in D.C. are fat and happy? As I’m sure you’ll remember from last year’s predictions, we’re finally free of the downer Year of the Sheep, and we’re barreling into the Year of the Monkey. But not just any monkey — the Red Fire monkey. Being red headed and born in the Year of the Monkey, I was ecstatic about this until I realized subsequent years of the Monkey are disastrous for Monkey babies. Plus, after 40+ years of being married to another Monkey, I suddenly find out that I would have been better off with an Ox or Rabbit. Why don’t they teach you this stuff in school? Oh yeah, the annual disclaimer. Ridiculous statements, politically incorrect references, inflammatory language, inciteful quips, race-baiting insinuations and out-andout-lies are not the views nor the responsibility of this publication. What do you think we’re running here, a political campaign, for goodness sakes?
Prediction #1 Well, since it is an election year, Emperor-elect Trump announces an inauguration unlike any other. The asphalt paving of Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House will be removed and replaced with 8" of solid-gold paver bricks. The Donald also reveals that work will soon begin on adding a fifth face to Mt. Rushmore.
Mark Vaughn, CGCS Virginia Turfgrass Journal Editor
Prediction #2
The latest Super Bowl victory by the New England Patriots is marred by yet another cheating controversy. Cam Newton of the Carolina Panthers is livid when sideline helmet communications are “mysteriously jammed” and replaced by a loop of Celine Dion’s greatest hits. “You ever tried to do the Superman celebration to the ‘The Power of Love’? I looked like some fool white boy out there stomping around!”
Prediction #3 Supt. Sting finally gives up on the wild, carefree life of a golf course superintendent and reinvents himself as cuntry sanger Bo Dacious. In his newfound Southern accent, Dacious explains, “I finally figured out sangin’ ‘bout girls, cold beer, pickup trucks and tight jeans was a lot more fun than hangin’ out with spray techs, drinkin’ energy drinks, wearin’ khakis and dealin’ with greens chairmen.” His first song “She Was Worse than Pythium” rockets up the charts.
Prediction #4 The Golden State Warriors finish the season a perfect 82–0 (hey, right now they’re 22–0, so only 60 more to go; it could happen). After losing in the second round of the playoffs, owner Peter Gruber fires interim head coach Luke Walton, citing his inability to “take us to the next level.” “Whaaaat? This thing happens all the time at my club,” an exasperated Gruber exclaims.
Prediction #5 The Prez elect shocks the nation by suggesting Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. In a press conference, the always-candid Trump says, “C’mon, really? The only entity that has more money than me is the Clinton Foundation. I told Hill I needed her to get back on the road and rub some elbows for us… ah, I mean… for the good ol’ USA.”
Prediction #6 The ban on long putters takes effect as promised on January 1. By January 31, there have been 612 citations
10 | VIRGINIA TURFGRASS JOURNAL January/February 2016 www.vaturf.org