Editor’s Perspective
Creative Mark Vaughn, CGCS Virginia Turfgrass Journal Editor
“Inventions”
N
ecessity is the mother of invention, according to Old Tom Morris. Actually, no one knows for sure who created this catchy little ditty, and it probably wasn’t Old Tom since he was too busy doing “Golf Now” commercials to come up with something this clever. Besides, I heard Old Tom lost his job at the Old Course because he had become “too big for his britches” after making all those commercials. Or maybe he played too much golf. Or had a drinking problem. Or took a liking to the greens chairman’s wife. Anyway… This catchy phrase rolled around in what’s left of my right brain the other day as I struggled with what has to be one of the dumbest inventions perpetrated on mankind. I speak, of course, of the mighty SPORK. As I sat in one of this nation’s great culinary establishments, trying to eat my dirty rice out of that special cardboard container, I’m sure I resembled either a twoyear-old or a nursing-home resident to those around me. Most of this southern delicacy ended up on my tray or in my lap. And as to why a heart patient was in deepfry heaven, as Jake Delhomme says, it was “BO TIME.” As a sidebar, I never understood why Bojangles doesn’t hire Bo Derek and be done with it. Now THAT girl could sell some chicken and biscuits. Back to necessity and invention and all that stuff. I’m pretty sure when the half spoon/half fork emerged from the resin bowl of its creator, he felt as proud as the NASA team that sent Apollo 11 to the moon. “I have solved one of mankind’s great issues. One utensil to do two jobs. Wwhhhuuuuuuwaaaaa!!!” The problem is, while I’m sure it looked good on paper, it sucks at being a spoon and even more so as a fork. I challenge any and all comers to keep every grain of rice on that jagged little edge until it reaches your mouth. I’ll even let you smug, steady-handed, hand/eye-coordinated 10 | Virginia Turfgrass Journal July/August 2014 www.vaturf.org
folks go down to your local Bo’s and grab a handful of these tools of the devil, and take them home to practice. Then we’ll invite your neighbors over for a little stir-fry and all watch. And try eating eggs with it. Only thing worse might be if Awful Arthurs starting serving their raw oysters with this thing. No, the “Wwhhhuuuuuwaaa!!!” was more likely the huge laugh the inventor had at the thought of people using this thing for years to come. So, what have we concocted that seemed totally necessary and a good idea at the time, but ended up on the trash heap of invention? Come on… I’ve sat around at enough turf conferences and listened to your stories to know I could write a book (and would actually like to) someday. Okay, I’ll start. One of my employees rather proudly strutted into my office (okay, I didn’t have an office; it was a desk in a corner of the “barn”) one day and announced that he’d discovered a more efficient way of mowing greens. He had performed his new technique on #6 green. As we made our way excitedly on the three-wheeled Pargo (bar steering, of course) golf cart through the bumps and mud holes that passed for cart paths, I marveled at how this guy was going to put us on the map. We were going to be mentioned in the same breath as Augusta and Pebble Beach, and I imagined myself walking across the stage at the GCSAA show to accept our award (whenever that crotchety greens chairman approved the $150 for me to join, of course). When we crested the hill, there it was — his masterpiece. Yes, he had started from the outer edge and worked his way in a circular fashion, never lifting his mower, to the middle of the green. No wasted motion, no lifting and twisting, just a lot of bruised bentgrass in the middle. A great idea, wouldn’t you say?