Editor’s Perspective Mark Vaughn, CGCS Virginia Turfgrass Journal Editor
The Forecast for
20Thirteen Hmmm... 20THIRTEEN. Does the sound of that make anybody else besides me nervous? I mean, look at all the crap that has happened since the turn of the century WITHOUT a year that had a THIRTEEN it in. Now, we are just going to smugly spit in the spirits’ eyes, I guess, and plow head-on into it. 20THIRTEEN. You and I… we’ve never been alive in a year that ended in THIRTEEN. On the bright side (or dark, depending on how you look at things), it ain’t gonna happen for any of us again. So, if we all just put our heads down, stay busy and don’t break any mirrors, we should be okay. I sense all you owners of black cats out there smirking, so let’s just take a little look at the last year with a THIRTEEN in it – 19THIRTEEN. #1. The U.S. post office begins parcelpost deliveries. And what did THAT just cost the taxpayers in the last year? 15 BILLION dollars. #2. The 16th Amendment is ratified, which all you constitutional buffs will recognize as Federal Income Tax authorization. The government wastes no time in setting up the IRS and quietly slipping its hand into your pocket. #3. The first Balkan war ends, and 30 days later, the second Balkan war begins. #4. Jim Thorpe is forced to give up his 1912 Olympic medals for being a pro (and yet he is STILL playing
on the Senior Tour — now that’s an athlete). #5. Death Valley hits 134 degrees, prompting Mercury Gore (the greatgreat grandfather of Al Gore) to declare humans a “pox on the planet.” #6. The first elastic bra AND the zipper are both patented. The downfall of politicians is accelerated. I could go on and on, but by now, I’m thinking that even you non-believers are beginning to see the light. So, grab your rabbit’s foot, go out the same door you came in, don’t walk under any ladders, follow these predictions, let’s all hold hands and MAYBE we can make it to 2014. Oh, yeah… the annual disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. Any references to… Wait a minute. I can’t do it this year. After all the lies I just heard in the recently completed political campaigns, I think I’ll just take my chances. So let’s just say, “This is some guy (but not the same one as in the photo at the top of this page), and I approve these messages.”
on opposite sides of a Ouija board. One by one, the answers are revealed to a waiting nation. The process almost falls apart as both Obama and Boehner alternately accuse the other of pushing or pulling the planchette, but in the end, both sides accept the results. The “Replace Politicians with The Planchette” movement is born.
Prediction #1
Prediction #3
Unable to break the stalemate about to take the country over the fiscal cliff, President Obama and Speaker Boehner agree to meet one last time and, in the spirit (no pun intended) of 2013, decide to let the “fates” decide the issue. In a historical meeting held in the House of Representatives with both chambers of Congress in attendance and millions of Americans watching by TV, the two leaders place their hands
Competition increases for the coveted “Senior Golfer,” who travels in packs of 20 or more, packs his lunch, buys his golf balls at Walmart and demands a “special deal” in order to bring his homies to your course. Desperate facility owners decide that slashing their fees by 50% and offering a free lunch just isn’t enough to entice them. The Divots and Dirt Golf Club throws in a free wash, wax and tire rotation by
8 | VIRGINIA TURFGRASS JOURNAL January/February 2013 www.vaturf.org
Prediction #2 Buoyed by recent legislation in their state, professors at Colorado State University find a way to boost slumping enrollment in the Agronomy department. The new “Mary Jane” curriculum will offer candidates the option of pursuing a B.S. or going to the next level and getting their Marijuana Masters. Researchers at Virginia Tech issue a terse statement, the gist of which says: “Duh, why do you think we developed Blacksburg Sensimilla? We saw golf courses going down the tubes and the liberal tide coming years ago. Fire one up now, Virginia. Our department is depending on you!”