Editor’s Perspective
Drum Roll, Please…
My Predictions for 2011 Mark Vaughn, CGCS Virginia Turfgrass Journal Editor
Two
Thousand Eleven, Twenty Eleven… whatever you call it, wherever you go, here we are. Might as well face it armed with the best info you can get. Which is right here from VTC World Publishing Headquarters, located fittingly in the same building as the National Enquirer, The Globe and True Detective. Yes, I hesitate to brag on my connections to a higher power, but after watching the infomercial and sending him $5,000, I don’t believe Master Prophet (Google for more info) would mind me doing a little name-dropping. Oh yeah, for THE MAN, the disclaimer: Names mentioned herein are purely fictional. Any reference to any persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Besides, we all know words don’t MEAN anything anyway. Talk, talk, talk, talk. And sentences? C’mon… just a bunch of words strung together. Void where prohibited.
Prediction #1 Following the California model, and seeing an opportunity to continue the revenue enhancement started by the privatization of ABC stores across the Commonwealth, Gov. McDonnell changes the state slogan to “Virginia is for vices” and declares Blacksburg Sensimilla legal. Flashing the “V” sign at a news conference, McDonnell (in a tie-dyed shirt) smiles, steps up to the microphone and proclaims, “It’s a new day for grass in Virginia. The royalties going to Tech for this will be enormous. They’ll have enough money to put that second deck in Cassell Coliseum. I’m sorry we had to ban tall fescue as a threat to the environment, but once we reordered our priorities, it became clear what the real danger to society was.”
Prediction #2 Taking advantage of the 2011 locale of the Open, and desperate to appeal to a new generation of viewers, the USGA rents a house near Congressional, wires it with cameras and stocks it with Virginia vices (and the occasional lobbyist). “Golf House” is inhabited the week prior to, the week of and the week after the Open. Residents
include Nancy “Snooki” Pelosi, John “Tan Jovi” Edwards, John “Waterfall” Boehner, Harry “Vegas” Reid, Lindsey “Dixie” Graham, Sarah “C-Barb” Palin, Michele “Overdrive” Bachmann and Christine “Witchie-Poo” O’Donnell. Sparks fly, and tempers flare, but the USGA coffers grow larger as Golf Channel viewership soars.
Prediction #3 After the 2010 debacle at Whistling Straits, the PGA of America continues the generation gap-bridging started by the USGA and announces that the 2011 tournament at Atlanta Athletic Club will be played under “winter rules.” Rules chairman Vinny “The Dude” Petraglia declares that all participants will be allowed to move the ball one club length through the green. In addition, a small ball of twine will be issued to each player and can be used to continue the previous stroke by stretching it to the hole and cutting off whatever length is used (known to golfers as the “string” rule). Three tour players withdraw after the first round after suffering self-inflicted stab wounds (didn’t their momma teach them to carry scissors pointing away from them?).
Prediction #4 Tiger Woods shocks the golfing world by announcing his retirement. Pressed for comment, he reveals that he will be opening a chain of “adult… uummmm… entertainment venues.” Tiger adds, “Like many golfers, other athletes, politicians, etc., I have enjoyed my time in the limelight, but it is time for me to move on to other ventures.” When asked how he could give up so close to his dream of eclipsing Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 majors, Tiger responds, “Dreams and goals change.” Then, with a big smile he adds, “The record I’m chasing now is Wilt Chamberlain’s, not Jack’s.”
Prediction #5 President Obama saves golf from a meltdown by announcing a stimulus package for the game he loves. In a White House press conference, he states, “There are 18,000 golf courses in this country. Uh, wait… 17,999. What’s that?
10 | VIRGINIA TURFGRASS JOURNAL March/April 2011 www.vaturf.org