Editor’s Perspective
It’s Time Again for
My Annual Predictions Mark Vaughn, CGCS Virginia Turfgrass Journal Editor
W
ell, well, well. Here we are, entering a new decade, long removed from the apocalyptic fears of Y2K. When it comes to predicting the future, some people might as well be looking for weapons of mass destruction. Or forecasting the future of the stock market. Or trying to determine when NC State might have a winning athletic program. Luckily for readers of the VTC Journal, I have once again been able to draw from multiple clairvoyant sources. Using my connections with televangelists, Oprah, M.I.T. supercomputers, white witches and the crazy lady down at the end of my street — in combination with multiple viewings of O Brother, Where Art Thou this winter — I have developed a road-map for TwentyTen that is bulletproof. Warren Buffetlike. Better than a federal bailout. And I do it all, gentle readers, for free. But this may be the last year for the FREE part. Yes, budgets are tight here at VTC World Publishing Headquarters. Just like the airlines, we can’t afford to keep giving, giving and giving ad nauseam. C’mon, those bags don’t load THEMSELVES on the plane. Those peanuts aren’t donated by Planters. And those sticky, crumpled magazines behind the seats, just like this fine publication, don’t MAGICALLY appear. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. The disclaimer: Names mentioned herein are purely fictional. Any reference to any persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. 2010 Prediction #1 Lobbing a grenade back into her husband’s camp, Elizabeth Edwards goes on the Tyra Banks Show to announce that SHE has a love child of her own. While refusing to name the babydaddy, she does express a fondness for the name Eldrick. 2010 Prediction #2 Innovative supt. “Sting (nematode),” utilizing webcams mounted at every green, turns his office into a giant control room and never leaves his climate-controlled surrounds. Except, of course, for his daily journey for a
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Five Guys cheeseburger, at which time he monitors the course through his iphone. Sadly, “Sting” loses his job at the Hard Rock Club mid-season to a regional agronomist. Pressed for comment, Club President Harry “Stimp” Meter simply replies, “There’s an app for that.” 2010 Prediction #3 Master officials (yes, there had to be a Masters prediction) are outraged when non-participant Tiger Woods brings his “Girls Gone Wild Revue” to town and sets up shop directly across Washington Rd. from Magnolia Lane, causing a massive traffic jam. “Hey, didn’t we go through this with John Daly and his memorabilia tour last year?” grumbles Chairman Billy Payne. 2010 Prediction #4 Unemployed supt. and underwear bomber Trey “Poa-Boa” Triademefon is foiled in his attempt to attack the headquarters of the National Golf Foundation. Cleverly disguised as the Fruit-of-the-Loom banana, Triademefon walks through the front door straddling 100 pounds of plastic explosives, only to be busted by unemployed golf pro and security guard Tripp Leftwich. As Trey is dragged away by local authorities, he screams, “Something had to be done before these Einsteins get on their open-a-golf-course-a-day drug again.” 2010 Prediction #5 Tim Finchem is forced to resign as PGA Tour Commissioner when questionable comments surface regarding “he who cannot be mentioned.” A distraught Finchem goes on Letterman and declares, “Whaaa… All I said was that our prize bull has been castrated by the media, costing me and my boys millions. It’s not like I pulled a Harry Reid, for God’s sake!” 2010 Prediction #6 Sarah Palin is named as the new Tour Commissioner in July. Moving swiftly, she declares the Ryder Cup off-limits. “By golly, we’re just not going to compete against those Socialist