But below the surface, something is missing. They struggle to uncover what could give them fulfillment. Some get frustrated that they can’t figure out what they want on their own. Others feel guilty. By the time they meet me, many need tissues during our first session. When I opened my practice, I didn’t know how to help these women. The usual weapons in a coach’s arsenal— creating a vision, making a plan, setting goals, and staying accountable—didn’t apply. After all, how can you set goals for an unknown objective? I was stumped. It was unbearable to see such bright, thoughtful women feel torn up. So I stalled by persuading those early clients to take a short break from trying to figure out an end goal and instead do something pleasurable. We stumbled upon a strategy that not only worked to cheer them up but also helped them find meaning and purpose. Distilling their steps into an analogy, I discovered what I call the Lighthouse Method. If you want to make a life change but have no idea what it should be, think of that change as a lighthouse far away. You know neither what the lighthouse looks like nor its location. You can only see its dim, distant light. To reach it, you need to step offshore, point your boat in the direction of the light, and row. Described this way, the Lighthouse Method seems logical, but it’s not the approach most of us take. We default to planning before doing. If you want to get good grades, lose weight, or find a new job, you set a goal and plan of attack. But if you don’t know what you want to achieve, making a plan is like driving to an unknown destination. Talented women with perfectionist tendencies especially will search for the perfect plan before taking action, in order to avoid missteps. And this is why so many get stuck. If you feel unsatisfied but can’t quite pinpoint what you want—in your career, your home life, or your free time— use these steps to draw the map to your own lighthouse.
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O S TA R T T H E L I G H T H O U S E M E T H O D, you need to get in your boat and pick a direction. The best way to begin is to do something purely enjoyable. Many busy women, like Valerie, find this challenging. “Though I had wanted to sew myself a skirt for a while and even purchased the pattern and fabric, it felt incredibly indulgent, wildly wrong, and frivolous,” she said of her first activity. “But after a half hour, I found myself in a
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mental state of just doing. I lost track of time. I loved it.” Most of us tightly bind our identities to our career, unknowingly deemphasizing other aspects of our lives. We bifurcate the spheres of “work” and “leisure,” believing that work can’t be amusing and leisure can’t be arduous. Yet doing pleasurable things is critical. It not only makes you happier but helps you identify what gives you “flow,” a term coined by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, professor of psychology and management at Claremont Graduate University, to describe the revitalizing sensation you get as you become completely absorbed in a task. Once you add gratifying activities into your life, you can’t help seeking out more while abandoning those that don’t satiate. When Valerie finished her skirt, she felt emboldened to start other career explorations. “Making something is taking a creative risk,” she said. “It feels fantastic. [I got] into the mode of, ‘OK, I’m going to take another risk today.’ ” Valerie began to network, catching up with friends who used their advanced degrees outside academia. They introduced her to new people, and her newfound enthusiasm made meeting strangers less intimidating—even exciting. Sewing helped Valerie see she yearned for more creative and entrepreneurial work. Eight months later, she launched an online education business, Be Naturally Curious, which makes it fun for parents and educators to teach kids science. To this day, she turns to sewing whenever she feels stuck. T RY T H I S : Find what gives you flow. Rekindle an old hobby or give a current one a few more hours or challenges. For some, it might be cooking. For others, it’s exercise. Make sure it’s something you want to do. Then aim to expand your repertoire by making note of when you are doing anything else that makes you feel strong and energized.
