Modern Manners RE AL SIMPLE’S E TIQUE T T E E XPERT, C ATHERINE NE WMAN, OFFER S HER BE ST ADVICE ON YO UR S O CIAL QUANDARIE S.
My husband and I recently went out for dinner with another couple at an upscale restaurant. Both parties could easily pay for the meal. However, my husband asked the waiter, as he usually does, for the unpublished wine prices and the cost of the special of the day not listed on the menu. Is this socially acceptable? A. T.
P O R T R A I T BY S A R A H M AY C O C K
Absolutely. What’s unacceptable, in my opinion, is a restaurant not listing wine prices or telling you the cost of the specials. I’m offended by the suggestion that money is, or should be, no object. And I can find no example of a manners columnist thinking it’s anything other than good common sense to ask the price of a menu item. You would never hand over your credit card for a pair of shoes without knowing the cost; it should be no different for food. So ask away. You may well decide to splurge on that bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape, but at least you’ll know what it’s going to set you back. And if you’re splitting the bill, your friends will be glad for the information as well. Nobody craves an unhappy surprise.
reply all on e-mail. I find it maddening and degrading. I’m not sure how to remind him that “please” and “thank you” never hurt anyone. How do I ask him to speak to me politely? S. T.
About Catherine The author of the parenting memoir Waiting for Birdy, Catherine Newman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionated children in Amherst, Massachusetts.
I work with an advisory board. One of the members is an accomplished, pleasant person, but he has the terrible habit of barking orders at me. I am in no way his secretary (not that this would make it OK), but I am often the person who manages logistics. Therefore I have to deal with his directives. He does this in meetings and via
But you agreed to be his secretary, de facto, just by being a woman! Oh, wait. No, you didn’t. And you’re right to be maddened by this man’s rude, patronizing behavior. Model politeness and try transparency. Take this person aside—or send him an e-mail— and describe your experience. “You’re probably accustomed to being in charge at work,” you might say. “But this is a more collaborative environment, and I would appreciate greater courtesy and respect in our interactions.” That’s what I would advise you to say. But I confess that my actual behavior has occasionally diverged from my own sensible advice. When I’ve received rudely imperative e-mails from coworkers, I have sometimes responded, “What’s the magic word?” followed by—wait for it—a smiley-face emoticon. (“Sure, happily,” I’ll always add afterward.) Passive-aggressive? Maybe. Gracious? Not exactly. But sometimes a gentle, good-natured reprimand just feels so right. I invited a friend and her family (her husband and two children) to vacation with us at my parents’ home this summer. Then, at a party at my friend’s house, she began discussing the trip in front of a friend of hers, who said our plans sounded like fun. My friend invited her—and her two children—to join
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