Exploring my Fear and Anxiety Through Photography

Photo Essay: Exploring my Fear and Anxiety Through Photography

Lauren Takach School of Communication and Culture, Royal Roads University COMM 375: Visual Communication Dr. April Warn December 13, 2020

Exploring my Fear and Anxiety Through Photography I always felt like fear controlled my life. Ever since I can remember, I have continuously experienced anxiety. Up until a few years ago, I felt my worries defined me, and I constantly questioned why I struggled to stay afloat. It was not until I discovered that I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder did I feel a weight lift off my shoulders. After taking part in a cognitive behavioural therapy group for several weeks and finding a therapist I connect with, I commenced my recovery journey.

To me, recovery does not mean my anxiety will one day disappear; it means learning new tools and doing what I can to help myself when I am struggling. Through recent therapy, my Psychologist recommended I do more things that make me uncomfortable more often, which is a type of treatment called exposure therapy. With this in mind, I wanted to explore this concept through photography. Even though I had no intention of pushing myself to do things that make me extremely uncomfortable, I tried to push myself within reason, with my utmost safety in mind. I created this photo essay to portray the fear and anxiety I experience to an audience by transforming my encounters of vulnerability in a series of photographs (Sontag, 2001, p. 9).

Figure 1. Some days, I have the strength to cross the bridge to discover the adventures that await on the other side.

Figure 2. Other times, my vision clouds with unease, and I seldom see the beautiful colours before me.

Figure 3. Anxiety washes over me, flooding my head with unpleasant uncertainties and thoughts.

Figure 4. I catch a glimpse of the brilliance around me, only to be stifled by the fog that rushes in.

Figure 5. Everything appears too far to reach, even though a clear path stands before me.

Figure 6. Alas, panic floods my system; I want so badly for it to dissolve.

Figure 7. Stormy skies begin to clear, and the wave’s grip slackens.

Figure 8. My gaze begins to refocus.

Figure 9. The light allows me to see again.

Figure 10. The sturdiness of the trees reminds me I am safe.

Figure 11. He reassures me that I am not alone.

Figure 12. Storms will come and go, and the waves will crash again.

Figure 13. Although, now I know to ask for a hand when I feel I am drowning.

Figure 14. I don’t have to face my storms alone.

Composition Analysis While aligning my narrative, I wanted to translate a moment of powerlessness through photography by depicting how the world around me changes when I experience high anxiety. Sontag (2001) clarifies that photographs represent moments of reality (p.

2); therefore, I wanted to portray short snippets of my life while experiencing a panic attack to elucidate living with anxiety and constant fear. With the use of mostly my Pentax-k1000 film camera, I captured the rugged texture that surrounded me to represents the vulnerable but exhilarating process I experienced while challenging a few of my fears. Furthermore, I chose to integrate black and white film to embody a loss of a sense of reality and dissociation from my environment when dealing with an intense moment of panic. I direct viewers with my captions to insinuate a shared connection between my text and images, to further one’s understanding of my experience (Pauwels, 2011, p. 1-2). As the images progress, colour reappears in a way to demonstrate a reclaim of my senses and my vision, as my anxiety dissipates. Aiello and Parry (2020) explain the representational meaning uncovers the story hidden behind a series of photos with how the images are portrayed (p. 28). The last few snapshots demonstrate my narrative’s progression by depicting a feeling of strength and support, conscious that I am not alone. Even though this experiment allowed me to express my intense feelings of panic, I did not experience any distress while creating this piece. This photo essay permitted me to gently explore the anxiety that continues to prevent me from trying new things every day. Although the storms I experience make me feel like I am suffocating, I know the feeling is only temporary, and help is always an arm’s length away. Not only did this process remind me that my anxiety does not and will never control me, but it also reassured me that it does not define who I am.

Photo Analysis Figure 12. represents the storm I face with my anxiety. My partner was the one who first introduced me to storm watching four years ago, and I took this photo on one of the windiest days this fall. It always made me feel uncomfortable because I was terrified to be out in the elements where one could easily feel weak and powerless against the wind’s choke. This image represents a “visual symbol” that portrays my feelings of unsteadiness that storm watching has always given me (Birdsell & Groarke, 2007, p. 105). The crashing waves represent fear itself, while they also represent the ebbs and flows that come with the panic and anxiety attacks that I experience. In many ways, this image captures my essay’s overarching theme because it demonstrates how powerful and convincing fear can be. Sometimes my panic attacks make me feel like I am drowning, although I know deep down the storm will always clear, which embodies the reality of anxiety and panic being temporary. Pauwels (2011) explains that visual science refers to being able to express one’s perception and awareness through visualization in exploratory ways (p. 1). This image exemplifies my willingness to brave the storm to capture a photo closely equating feelings of anxiety and fear. Not only did this photo reveal the relationship between myself and the fear I experience, but it also allowed me to focus on the act of capturing a moment of discomfort rather than fear itself. The blue sea denotes a sense of calm and peace (StefanescuGoanga qtd. in Kress & Van Leeuwen, 2002, p. 353-354), while the visible peaks of the crashing waves contrast deeply with inferences of fierceness, wildness and a sense of loss of control. This photo portrays the battle I feel inside my head when I try new things and face the unknown head-on.

References Aiello, G. & Parry, K. (2020). Visual Communication: Understanding Images in Media Culture. SAGE. Birdsell, D. S., & Groarke, L. (2007). Outlines of a theory of a visual argument. Argumentation and Advocacy, 43(3/4), 103–113. https://doi-org.ezproxy.royalroads.ca/10.1080/00028533.2007.11821666 Kress, G., & Van Leeuwen, T. (2002). Colour as a semiotic mode: Notes for a grammar of colour. Visual Communication, 1(3), 343368. https://doi-org.ezproxy.royalroads.ca/10.1177%2F147035720200100306 Pauwels, L. (2012). Conceptualising the ‘visual essay’ as a way of generating and imparting sociological insight: Issues, formats and realisations. Sociological Research Online, 17(1), 1-11. https://tandfonlinecom.ezproxy.royalroads.ca/doi/abs/10.1080/00028533.2007.11821666 Sontag, S. (2001). Chapter 1: In Plato’s Cave. In On photography (pp. 3-24). New York: Picador.